Disclaimer: as always, these characters are unfortunately not mine.
Olivia had always loved rainy afternoons, but having him here with her made it all the more magical. The steady rhythm of the raindrops on the window kept time with her beating heart. There was just something delightful about a lazy day with no need to do anything other than simply be.
The past year hadn't been easy for either of them by any stretch of the imagination. Elliot's reappearance, Kathy's death, the Wheatley trial...it was as if a tropical storm had made landfall and left nothing untouched.
Days like this though...they reminded her that sometimes beautiful things come after the storm.
She sat curled up beside him on the couch. Elliot's arm was wrapped around her, holding her close. For months this had been their routine: movies at each other's apartment, coffee in the morning before work when they could, an occasional dinner here and there. With Noah and Eli still at home these moments were limited, so they looked forward to them when they arose. Today Amanda and Carisi had invited Noah to a movie with the girls, giving them a few hours to enjoy each other's company.
Enjoying each other's company looked different than she thought it would years ago. Perhaps it was the pain they both still felt - her over his disappearance, him over the loss of his wife. Maybe age and wisdom were to blame as well. Whatever the reason, there had been a silent agreement between them to take this slow. An understanding that they both needed time.
Of course, that didn't stop her from wanting him. The chemistry between them hadn't diminished at all with time or distance. The warmth of his body, the scent of his aftershave, the way he held her...no, she had never stopped wanting him. But there were still so many mixed emotions that flooded through her when she thought about those ten years that he was gone.
Ten years. A decade without him. Another squall she hadn't seen coming. The one man she thought would never hurt her ended up hurting her more than she could have ever imagined. Since his return they had talked about it - about why he did it, how it made her feel. She had forgiven him, but forgiving had proven easier than forgetting. Something about the rain outside though, washing away the dirt and grime of the city she loved...it made her feel like maybe it could wash away the fear of letting him in again.
For his part, these were the moments he loved the most. Of course he adored it when she got dressed up for a dinner date in a gorgeous dress, her hair cascading perfectly around her face. But here on her couch, with her hair pulled up in a messy bun and dressed in an oversized t-shirt...this was his favorite version of Liv. This was the woman she was when no one else was looking.
And let's face it, there was always someone looking. She was gorgeous, and she seemed to be the only person alive who didn't realize it. To be honest, he was surprised that she was even available. He would never understand how a city full of single men could pass her by every day.
He had never wanted anything as badly as he wanted her. It was that fact that had caused him to leave. And now what did he have to show for it? He had lost a decade with her, and now he had lost Kathy as well. Here with her now, he could almost allow himself to forget...almost. As much as he loved every minute he spent with her, he couldn't shake the feeling of guilt that had taken up residence in the pit of his stomach. Just thinking about it now made his body tense.
"Everything ok?" she asked. She felt it too, the way his muscles had become rigid beneath her. He didn't respond, and she knew he was thinking about how to answer honestly. It was one thing that hadn't changed about Elliot Stabler - he was incapable of lying.
"El…talk to me." It wasn't a demand as much as it was an invitation. This had been the most difficult obstacle for the two of them to overcome. They were so used to running from each other when they felt the other was getting too close. It was one of the reasons she had a hard time staying mad at him for leaving. She had run first. Maybe it was a coping mechanism that they both shared, the result of growing up with an abusive parent. They were working on it though...separately and together.
He considered what to say and how to say it. He was grateful that she gave him time to collect his thoughts, though it became harder to concentrate when she moved her hand to rest on his chest. Everything he wanted was here in his arms, and he was so afraid to lose it.
"Sometimes I just still can't believe we are here, like this. All the things we've gone through to get here. And as much as I love being with you, I can't help but feel like I don't deserve this. I don't deserve you." He looked down at her hand on his chest and whispered, "You deserve so much more than me, Liv."
She looked down to where his hand had covered hers on his chest, then up at his face. "Elliot, look at me," she said. When he didn't, she brought his hand to her cheek and whispered, "Look at me." His gaze met hers, and the roll of thunder outside underscored the storm raging in his blue eyes. "What is it that you think I deserve?" she asked quietly.
He wanted to answer her, but he didn't know how. How do you put into words what a woman as perfect as her deserves? Someone who gives with no thought to what she will get in return. There weren't enough words to describe what he thought she deserved. But God, how could he deny her anything she asked when she was looking at him with those brown eyes.
"Everything." The only word he could think of, because it encompassed all the things he couldn't say. "You deserve everything you've ever dreamed of, Liv." And she did. This woman had sacrificed more for others than anyone he had ever known. She deserved the world.
His hand was still on her cheek and she leaned into it, considering what he had said. "El...do you want to know what I dream of?" she asked. His blue eyes looked back at her with cautious optimism. "I dream of being with someone who makes me feel safe and loved. A man who isn't threatened by my job or my rank. I dream of a future with someone who makes me better than I am alone. And no matter what past relationship I was in, or how hurt and angry I was at you for leaving, in my dreams it was always you, Elliot. It's always been you."
They sat comfortably in the silence that followed. He reflected on what she had said. She listened to the rain on the roof and the beat of his heart. It was a risk, telling him exactly how she felt, but she wasn't sorry. She had buried her feelings for him for so long that it was a relief to finally say them out loud. The hand on her cheek had taken residence on her arm, where it was trailing lazy circles and leaving goosebumps in its wake. "I'll never forgive myself for hurting you the way I did," he said softly. And there it was. His greatest regret spoken, his heart laid bare at her feet.
She pulled away from him slowly, looking at him with an expression he couldn't quite read. "I'm not going to pretend it didn't hurt, El. I won't lie and tell you that forgiving you was easy, because it wasn't. Losing you was the hardest thing I've ever gone through," she paused, taking a breath. Worse than Lewis. It was what she wanted to say but the words wouldn't come, and he didn't need them. He could see it in her eyes...one of their many unspoken conversations. "But I've forgiven you...and I hope one day you can forgive yourself."
They both felt the shift then, as if two fronts had collided. They were face to face with a past that they couldn't change and a future that remained unsure. All he knew at that moment was that he couldn't lose her again. He didn't want to rush anything, but it felt like something outside of himself was pulling him towards her.
He tentatively reached out his hand and brushed a wayward strand of hair behind her ear, letting his fingers trail down her cheek before pulling it away. She smiled, grabbing his hand and intertwining her fingers in his.
He looked into her deep brown eyes, asking her for permission to close the distance between them. She looked at him cautiously, but gently squeezed his hand. He wrapped his arm more securely around her body, drawing her closer to him. Then his lips were brushing against hers, and she was sure the spark she felt outshined the lightning that flashed outside her window.
Nothing he had ever imagined compared to how soft her lips were against his. Somehow she felt both foreign and familiar and his brain couldn't make sense of how she made him feel so many things all at once. He kissed her slowly, trying to concentrate on the smell of her hair and the taste of her lips. Everything about this moment was perfect and he wanted to savor it.
His hands never moved from her hips, which gave her an odd sense of security. Something about the gentle way he held her gave her the freedom to relax into his kiss. It was more tender than she had anticipated, but lacked none of the confidence she had expected from him. She was lost in the feeling of his lips against hers and grateful that he had enough presence of mind to be the one to pull away.
He rested his forehead against hers. It had taken him 23 years to get here. Twenty-three years of stolen glances and visions of her that invaded his thoughts as he slept. After all that time she was here in his arms, the taste of her still on his lips.
Their eyes met and they smiled at one another. "What are you thinking?" he asked, brushing the same unruly lock of hair away from her face. "I'm thinking about how glad I am that you're back," she answered honestly. And then the smile faded and her expression turned serious. "Promise me you won't leave again?"
"I'm not going anywhere. I promise," he said, gently placing a kiss on her forehead. Outside the sound of distant thunder rumbled through the New York sky, but here with her he knew nothing but calm.