92 Days
by Castlefan6
Authors Note: This is Totally AU; Beckett has left the hospital after her shooting, This describes the activity of each, during those 92 days without contact, both in the hospital and out. It blends some Canon dialog, courtesy of Dust Jackets Dot Com, then goes quickly and completely AU. What were each up to during this time, Taking Literary License to fill in the blanks.
I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create.
Also, we take liberties with the timeline from Canon and use events to make this a more believable fiction, thanks.
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A/N Thanks to everyone, overwhelmingly the majority want the story to continue, many have said, this was a terrible place to end, and would feel like an abandoned fic. I despise reading a story and then find out the writer gave up for whatever reason, so after reading the chapter, I agree. The story is continuing, with a potential for a sequel IF the interest is still there at its conclusion. Once again, this chapter is VERY HEAVY on psychological theories, all real, all researched, although again potentially modified to fit our storyline.
Chapter 21
Dr. Burke's Office
Two Weeks Later
Kate was back in the groove, but she had almost convinced her Medical doctor, as well as Dr. Burke, to allow her to return to work. Dr. Burke was pleased with her sessions, especially how she handled the meeting with Richard Castle at his beach home. She had been open, honest, and frank with her feelings, and that was all he asked, honesty. They could work with issues if honesty was there.
FLASHBACK TWO WEEKS EARLIER.
Kate had driven away, even managed to get back on the main highway, before she was forced to pull over until her tears stopped. He had let her walk away, with the words, "Thanks for writing the letter, knowing WHY always helps," as he turned and entered the house. If that was going to be her last memory of contact with him, at least the words were said in kindness, not hatred.
She had no idea if he would bother to read the letter, nor would she push herself on him anymore. It was true he had always been the one to forgive and just show up, even after some of her most hateful words had been spoken. She never had to say she was sorry, Rick seemed to understand that her accepting his coffee, touching his hand ever so slightly, was apology enough. He knew when to stay away, and now was the time she needed to heed his example.
She knew the act of Gina was just that, an act. Gina did love Rick, and she was pissed at how he had allowed himself to be used and abused, but she also knew, she had no chance for another round as Mrs. Castle, too many bridges were burned during the contested divorce proceedings. The jury was still out on Eva, if he wasn't sleeping with her, he sure as hell should be, as her thoughts rambled and she finally composed herself enough to finish her drive back to the city.
She was almost numb the entire trip home replaying the awful scenes that she had been part of, if not orchestrated herself with him. The look that she would never be able to lose, no matter how much time passed, was the look in his eyes at the hospital. The look when she told him she didn't remember anything, he knew she was lying and his entire spirit seemed to deflate as if someone had poked a balloon. One moment his eyes were clear and bright, the next, a look she had never seen before, it was the look of defeat.
When she got home, she decided to post the letter in her journal, Dr. Burke had been kind enough to allow her to substitute it for re-writing the events again. She looked over at the release and patient notes from the first meeting with Doctor Burke, there was some additional literature, one titled, "How to Know if You're a Habitual Liar" and the web address.
She prepared a pot of coffee, and now was intrigued to find out, was she truly the liar that Dr. Burke's evaluation, hell, 79% was past the status of a maybe in her eyes, but she wanted to know for sure. She also began to think, when did this happen, even her dad had asked her when did this become her norm?
She typed in the web address for the first publication, happy to see it was a recorded version of a section of the entire book. She pressed play and heard a deep voice that could have been Rick's, she shook that off, and began to listen, really listen, she even took notes.
"What Is Habitual Lying?
"Habitual lying is when an individual lies with such frequency that it becomes a regular behavior, the norm not the exception. This may be about something as serious as family finances, or as trivial as understating your exact weight, they are both lies with different consequences.
"It's true the bank isn't going to repossess your car if you hide an expenditure from a partner, spouse, or loved one, no more than stating you weight to be 5 pounds less than you actually weigh is apt to become the lead story for the evening news if the untruth is discovered.
"The damage isn't measured in those terms, yet each lie you tell brings you closer to choosing to lie rather than being truthful in things that do matter. Such as questions of the heart, Do you love me, or an oath to an office, swearing to uphold certain standards. Lies don't begin with major issues, they all start with small matters, that left unchecked will grow into catastrophic results, not only for the one telling the lie but those in their inner circle.
"This is oftentimes triggered by addiction and the many struggles that accompany it, although there are many other triggers as well. Your therapist recommended this recording because it is important to distinguish between denial, delusions, and lies. You are probably asking yourself, isn't a lie always just a lie, the answer is of course they are.
"We discuss the differences between the categories, not for the lie, but for the LIAR. " She paused the recording at that point for a moment, rewound it, played it back several times, especially the part where the voice repeated not for the lie but for the LIAR. She made more notes on her pad, took a bio break, and washed her face, some tracks where tears had run down her face were quite evident, even though at the time she hadn't realized the tears were flowing.
Armed with a box of tissue, a fresh cup of coffee, and a spare pen, in case the one she was using was running out of ink, she curled her legs under her on the couch and pressed resume. The recording began again with,
"Even though they are similar all three are techniques that are often used as defense mechanisms, particularly in addiction, or people nearing the addicted stage. Your therapist wants you to understand the discernments between them to enable you to do a full self-exam, not physically, but emotionally and mentally.
"Once again, we can't stress enough that the ONLY way in which any treatment program will be successful is the HONESTY and DESIRE of the person, seeking to be more truthful every day. It's been proven that the more knowledge a recovering person learns about themselves, their motivations, and outside influences, ultimately it will allow them to formulate defenses from these self-destructive habits.
Denial is not limited to addiction. It is a subconscious, protective mechanism that the brain uses to prevent a mental "computer crash" when an experience is too traumatic to be processed immediately. Think of a room full of small children, a broken vase, and an adult confronting them about who the guilty party is. Even the myth about who cut down the cherry tree, no child is equipped to handle the potential consequences so they use DENIAL.
Lying is a more common event, especially once a child reaches the teen years. Often it starts about the friends they are keeping, or boy, or girl, they are dating and ALWAYS leads to more severe issues and impacts one's behavior. A lie is a deliberate changing of the truth, by either re-stating facts as something different or by "adjusting" or leaving out certain portions.
There are no grades of lies, a lie is a lie, regardless if it is of omission, or what some refer to as white lies, a harmless or trivial lie, especially one told to avoid hurting someone's feelings. This is as clinically damaging to a person as any other important lie. 100% of the population have told at least one white lie. Often husbands joke about a dress and adding weight to their spouse, in fear of loss of matrimonial privileges, they most always lie.
Delusions are distortions of reality, similar to "wishful thinking," where the mind subconsciously or unconsciously comes to believe that the self-created distortions are real – at least in the part of the mind where the addiction lives and thrives. Not all liars suffer delusions, this is a very serious condition, anytime someone deviates from reality, their reactions to their own world often are catastrophic.
"A patient suffering from a lying addiction suffers a mental battleground most often between Denial and Lying, two opposing mental states. Recovery happens when the truth, with all its pain and shame, is finally acknowledged. A conscious choice is made to commit to honesty and healing versus lies and self-destruction.
"Your therapist is deeply concerned with the behavior of lying, as he/she should be, it's a behavior that can cause irreparable damage to innocent people, if not checked. If you have listened to this up to this point, you have probably felt many different emotions, which is normal, we ask you to stay with us just a bit longer, it's YOUR health we are worried about."
Kate took another break and cleaned the couch of the tissues, some she had wiped tears with, some she had shred in anger, but she was sticking this out. She had quit too many times, taken the easy way out, and lied, not today. Once she had refreshed herself, she resumed the recording,
"What Causes A Lying Addition?
"We all seek approval and to avoid rejection, it starts as early as childhood. There is no ONE reason for a person to fall into the traps of a lying addiction. Most often it is a defense mechanism to protect one's self-image against a number of things. Being addicted to lying may be the result of:
Shame: Shame is believed to be the driving force behind this addiction. Shame is a recognition of wrongdoing, but it stops before the person can include themself in the act. Often shame processes mentally as " I made a mistake and I can't recover. I am a failure. I am defective,"
"After therapy, the goal is to have that statement changed to "I made a bad choice and acted badly, I realize now that I need to change and make up for my mistake." Not only changed to accept the bad behavior but also take responsibility for CHANGE, since no one can change anyone other than themselves.
"It should be noted that actions of others we feel responsible for can also be the trigger for shame, most often a partner or parent can trigger this behavior with bad behavior. We've dealt with many battered women, who although they have never done anything wrong bear the shame of a family member. Shame from the bad behavior of a parent can easily influence a daughter or son to begin lying, increasingly to cover the actions as the behavior of the parent continues to decline.
Negative Consequences: People with addictions, or those who have been influenced by someone who has hope that things will work themselves out without them having to take any action. They convince themselves that they can avoid the consequences associated with their bad choices, 'it's not going to happen to me or my family' attitude. This avoidant coping style is common in addiction, or families with members of addiction and can easily be spotted by professionals. The goal is not to SHAME someone into treatment, it is to explain things don't have to be the way they currently are.
Criticism and Confrontation: Intense shame, by family members, by friends, or just society itself often makes it difficult for addicts to handle criticism. They lie to avoid confrontation or other circumstances where criticism of them may arise. Lying becomes a defense mechanism, even as illogical as that may sound to someone outside, it's the truth to those living this hell.
Fear of Repercussions: This is not to say that addicts or members of addicted family members are stupid, or irrational. They all know that sooner or later they will have to change if they are to survive. The most common reason for NOT seeking help is fear of the repercussions of returning to a state of honesty (shame, guilt, possible additional damage to relationships). This is a winless situation that makes it difficult to commit to this path until all possible options for avoidance have been exhausted.
"CONGRATULATIONS" if you're still here, you have successfully made it through the supplemental material your therapist has recommended. The issues we discussed are difficult to think about, even harder to hear. Please discuss your feelings with your therapist, when you have had time to digest the material, and how you fit into the situations described."
Kate hit the end, and the presentation went silent. She then noticed she had over 8 pages of notes, and a half box of tissues missing, some still on the floor. She would discuss this with Doctor Burke, but not yet, she wasn't ready just yet.
CURRENT TIME
"Kate is there anything you wish to discuss, for the last few sessions we have discussed your letter to Mr. Castle and your feelings when he took it, I believe you said, reluctantly, and placed it in his pocket. The contents of what you wrote I thought were open, honest, and perhaps for the first time, you actually stated your true feelings towards your 'partner'.
"We have talked earlier about setting boundaries, adjusting, or changing them if conditions warrant it, and now I think we need to wait for Mr. Castle's reaction to your letter. Have you heard anything from him?" Dr, Burke asked,
"No, but I knew he would be headed back to Los Angeles in a week, so it's not surprising that I haven't. I know if he dumped that much information on me, after acting as I had acted towards him, I would be very hesitant to believe him and what he wrote." Kate said,
"I agree, Kate, you have that look on your face that you want to let something go. Please remember this is your safe space, what's said in this office, stays here. The only reason for the tape recordings is in case dismissal is called for, and well, no one could hear the entire tape. They could only subpoena particular parts if that makes you feel better." He said, peering over his glasses,
"Well, I do have something to tell you, two weeks ago when I returned home from the Hamptons, I read some of the literature you had provided. One page had a suggested reading list, and I actually brought up the tape on my laptop, "How to Know if You're a Habitual Liar", and well, I listened to the entire subject, almost two hours long." She said,
Doctor Burke smiled, "That's wonderful Kate, I'm glad to see you taking charge of your treatment plan as well. Did the article, or audiotape reveal anything new to you, or just add more questions?" he asked,
"Actually, it revealed something as to when and why I started down this liar's path. I remember all through school I was much like Castle, one lie, and you were dead to me. I remember how when after my mom was killed and my dad, eh, I, well he started down the path he did, it brought a lot of shame to me.
"I hate to say it, but I was embarrassed many times, so often I would make up, well, LIE, if we're being honest about reasons, I couldn't do something. I also stopped dating because I was embarrassed, I never knew when Dad was going to stumble in, drunk, or worse get a call he was thrown out of a bar someplace and I needed to come to get him from the back ally.
"I didn't want to allow anyone to see that part of my life. I couldn't go from the perfect life that everyone remembered me living before mom was gone, to this, and I was angry. I was angry at Dad, at God, at anyone who had a wholesome relationship with both parents, somedays I was even angry at Mom because she left me to take care of Dad. Dr. Burke casually slid a box of tissues in front of her, as she composed herself for a moment.
"I thought it wasn't my place to take care of him, he was supposed to be there for me, to guide me through my young adult years, to walk me down the aisle with the man I found, not become some drunken bum that no one wanted to claim.
"I lied many times because I was in the drunk tank waiting for him to sober up enough to take him home, and on some occasions in the hospital ER, waiting for him to get stitched up from hurting himself when he got falling down drunk and fell.
"When the author mentioned SHAME, I at first thought it was the shame of something I had done, granted I wasn't an angel, BUT the more the tape played, actually I rewound it, and played it over several times as I took notes, I began to realize that my lying started with mom's murder.
"It's still hard to say, but then I would say my mom's death, never using the word murder. I thought if I didn't say it, perhaps I would wake up one day, and realize that mom died, and things weren't like they seemed.
"That maybe, just maybe Dad hadn't gone from a successful attorney to a falling-down alcoholic, and that I hadn't forsaken my dreams of a law degree, choosing instead a degree in Criminal Justice, with the end goal of becoming a cop and solving mom's case.
"The article made me rethink several things, Doctor. I suddenly realized that Dad entered AA, and began his behavior modification, I didn't know how to stop lying, or rather, being truthful the lies were easier than the truth. There wasn't a 12-step program for liars caused by your Dad's alcohol abuse, that isn't an excuse, but I used it as one. I wasn't strong enough to face the embarrassment, or as the author said, the shame of returning to truthfulness, at least I haven't been thus far, not without help."
Dr. Burke got up stuck his head out of his door, he said something low to his secretary, and then he brought Kate a bottle of water and held the wastebasket as she deposited the almost box full of tissues, she had either snotted up, torn up or wiped her tears away with. He smiled gently as she accepted the water, and cleared the area around her of what looked like the entire box of tissues, placing them in the wastebasket. Then she murmured a very low,
"Thank You, Doctor Burke, I've been trying to figure this out since I first heard the recording, and I got so confused. Hopefully, that's normal, and well, I didn't go too far off the deep end"
"Not at all Kate, although I have to tell you, I need to stock up on tissues if we continue this path" as she laughed, the first time the burden of shame had been lifted from her in years.
"We'll work through this Kate, but I must tell you, what you just admitted, what you discovered through your own self-examination proves something huge to me. You can be trusted to return to the force, PROVIDED we continue our sessions twice weekly." His face smiled, as Kate breathed a deep sigh, she didn't want to think about her life without both, Rick or being a cop, now she wouldn't have to, well at least one of the two.
TBC
A/N The research is real adapted for this story, from several clinical studies. I would have loved to have seen a session with Beckett and Burke with this conversation, far more than the Squab, or Headhunters, such a missed opportunity. (IMO)