92 Days

by Castlefan6

Authors Note: This is Totally AU; Beckett has left the hospital after her shooting, This describes the activity of each, during those 92 days without contact, both in the hospital and out. It blends some Canon dialog, courtesy of Dust Jackets Dot Com, then goes quickly and completely AU. What were each up to during this time, Taking Literary License to fill in the blanks.

I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create.

Also, we take liberties with the timeline from Canon and use events to make this a more believable fiction, thanks.

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Chapter 23

NYPD

12th Precinct

Monday, following Kate's Announcement

"Detectives Ryan, Esposito, my office now." Barked out Captain Gates as both men had started to rush toward Kate's desk and ask her just what the fudge was going on and why hadn't they been told about it, they were her friends?

"Yes Sir," came their reply in unison,

As they walked into her office, they noticed that Kate was already sitting at the small conference table. They entered, "you wanted to see us, sir?" Javi asked, still wondering why the hell they weren't told what was going on.

"Yes, take a seat next to Detective Beckett, please." She said as she peered over her glasses then back down at some forms before she signed them.

"Before you say a word Ryan and Esposito, the reason you weren't told anything about this change was that it was just finalized late last evening. There were other parties involved that needed to be informed of the change, that they were not the selected candidate for the position. Kate was just cleared by her doctors earlier in the day, so everything was done rather quickly." Gates said as she bore a hole through each of the men.

"Well, thanks for telling us, Captain, I mean we weren't going to ask Kate why we weren't told first; I mean that's official"

"Detective Esposito, you're a skilled detective but you can't lie for shit, that's bullshit and you know it. What I wanted to talk to you about was, since Beckett has been out on sick leave, there has been no formal lead, I know Roz filled in to take care of a few matters with HR, but other than that, nothing. I spoke with her and Kate both this morning and they couldn't pick just one of you two, so you're both leads, as of today.

"In case you don't understand what that means, it is this. Ryan, you're in charge this week, you call the shots, EXCEPT personnel matters, that requires you both to agree. You have an opening now on your team, Kate is recruiting anyone below lead level, across NYPD, so you couldn't join her unless you wanted to take a demotion, another reason you weren't told first.

"Guys, you've always seen things differently but you've been able to come to an agreement so I'm betting this isn't anything different. I can't tell you what will happen if you don't co-manage well, I think you can see that pretty clearly already." Kate rolled her eyes, almost toward the Captain.

"We got it Kate, and thanks, we both know you put good words in for us both, we won't let you down," Kevin said,

"I know you won't now, I have to get going I have a department to fill, want to grab lunch later if you're not on a call?" Kate asked,

"That would be great, I'll let Lanie know the plans, and Kate, it's good to see the change in you. You look at peace, so take advantage of it as long as it lasts" Javier added,

"I will Javi, trust me, I will." She said as she turned and headed to her office, located at the opposite end of the bullpen. She had a list of potential candidates she wanted to speak to, including, Anne Hasting, LT, Velasquez, Laurie Johnson, and some others from different precincts. She found it odd to see a familiar name, Tom Demming had actually signed up, he had to have done so before he knew who would be heading up the division.

Even so, he didn't have the experience in homicide, even if she were foolish enough to roll the dice on him again. She knew that just because she had used him, feeling guilty wasn't justification for placing him higher on the list. She quickly marked a huge D, signifying that he was disqualified, or had not met the minimum requirements next to his name, and moved on.

News traveled fast, Kate's new desk phone started ringing less than 45 minutes after their private meeting with Gates and the boys. Now she was actually getting calls from people across different precincts with varying skills, some she was surprised who would be looking to move. She had talked to Roz about Anne since she didn't want to leave her blindsided,

"Kate, you know as well as I do, that I'm going to lose her soon, she's too damn good a cop to stay in her current role. What do you have in mind for her?" Roz asked,

"Well, I was hoping to talk her into taking the Sargent's exam coming up in a couple of months, it will take me that long to get everything approved, and have a functioning department. As you say, Roz, we're gonna lose her to another division, or worse another law enforcement branch.

"So, you're OK with me interviewing her?" Kate asked, showing a sign of humility she had never shown, except when she sent Roz a thank you gift for helping her with her gun and the panic attack. She had given her a gift certificate for a first-class flight, figuring she would need to get away, she knew her Mom was ill.

"If I'm going to lose my best Detective, I'd rather she go to your squad than some idiot or chauvinistic pig that could thwart her career advancement, I know you know who I'm talking about," Roz said,

"I do, would you ask Anne, when she gets a free moment to stop by, I really appreciate everything you've done to help me, Roz. I know I was a terrible co-worker, and I owe you, big time." Kate said looking down,

"Well, if you want to make it up to me, don't give up on Rick, he loves deeply, and hurts deep, so just keep giving him some time. I'm pulling for you both" she said,

"Thanks, Roz," Kate said as she walked back to her office, feeling very much lighter as the tape had said, coming clean, apologizing, accepting blame, and honestly trying to do better, seemed to be working out much better than her I got this, I don't need any help attitude. Now she could only hope Roz was right about Rick, she knew that the two were close and had met for meals during her Demming, and Josh debacles. How well she knew him, well she had no right to ask, but she was almost 99% positive, it was friendship without sex, at least she hoped so.

XxX

RCE West Coast Headquarters

Long Valley Road, Hidden Hills, CA 91302

Same Time Frame

Darci Hether, Gina's favorite Interior Designer was already on-site, directing the moving of furniture, she had sent Rick a preliminary sketch of her plan to convert the bottom third to the office and professional space, leaving the balance of the home as living quarters. She had put her soul into the cabin, perhaps that's why Rick had never sold it, few if any outside of Gina and him knew it existed.

Darci was a beautiful tall lady whose parents had immigrated with her from Morocco when she was 5 years old to New York. She was built, very well built with her olive skin, but also didn't take crap from anyone. One reason Gina loved working with her. She had already incorporated the huge great room and converted it to serve as the reception and general office area, with the 4 bedrooms off the main aisle on the main floor now easily converted into offices.

Rick's was almost a duplicate of his one at the loft, except for the original painting that couldn't be duplicated, but all other aspects were already there, including a 60-inch TV monitor to serve as either a TV or a screen for his computers, already set up and operating. His toys, God, all the ladies knew how much he loved his toys and she had even disguised a section of the furniture to hold his Madden, Xbox, and other relaxation, (Stalling techniques to Gina,) to him.

"Gina," she cried out as she saw her, and ran to embrace her friend, as Gina broke to meet her.

"Darci, when did you get here, my God, you've got so much done already," Gina exclaimed as she hugged her friend, then exchanged the European kiss,

"Rick flew me out last week, and well, he wanted at least the working area completed before he got back. We fell behind by a couple of days, but, well, what do you think, it's done now, that part at least" Darci smiled, as she moved from Gina to Rick, kissing him and hugging him, "So good to see you, have you been taking care of yourself, you know love, you're not as young as you used to be" she giggled then poked him in the ribs.

Gina, saw Eva standing politely, "Oh gosh, excuse me, Eva, we've been rude, this is my friend and designer from New York, Rick knows she's the only one I use or trust. Darci, this is Eva, and Eva, this is the best decorator in not only New York but in the world as far as I'm concerned, my friend Darci."

Darci shook hands with Eva, then laughed, "She's looking for a discount, Eva, usually I'm the one behind schedule she's yelling at if not Ricky," they all cracked up laughing, more because of the look on Gina's face, then Darci hugged her again, and said, "I got ya, told you I would, I owed you." She smiled.

Darci walked them through the rest of the area she had converted into the business area, it seemed so warm and inviting, not the cold sterile usual office type of environment. When she got to Rick's office, he picked her up, and kissed, her, "Darci if you weren't married, I would make a play for you," he laughed, as she kissed him back,

"Oh sure, he only offers when he knows I'm in a relationship, other than that, I'm the wallflower that he hires me to cover with creative ideas, besides, he knows I love him too much to break his heart. We have to keep it strictly business", as Gina hugged her, knowing full well, that Darci would never go out with Rick, their friendship meant the world to both women. Darci cried harder when Gina told her of the divorce than she did.

Gina and Eva's offices were directly across the hall from each other's with Gina's having a sliding door to Rick's office. A visiting guest conference room, everything they would need to conduct business both at home and from the studio completed the renovation so far. Rick began to settle into his office when he felt an envelope still in his suit coat pocket. He hadn't had time to read the letter from Beckett in New York, and well, actually he hadn't had the motivation once they arrived back in Los Angeles, after all, this all started as his idea to get away from her.

He knew she had poured her heart out to him and it had been, God was it two weeks already, he really did need to at least acknowledge that he had read her letter, even if he wasn't ready to answer it. He was sitting behind his desk when he felt a gentle kiss on his cheek,

"She really deserves an answer Rick, one that can only come from you. I give her credit, she came to the Hamptons, not knowing what or who she was going to find, so she has to care, even if she doesn't always show or say it." Gina said softly, "Want me to close the door while you read it?" she asked.

"That would be great, thanks Genes, I didn't realize it had been two weeks already, and you're right, she deserves to know that at least I read it, that's nothing more than polite."

"Be right back" she whispered, as she slipped out the door, returning a few minutes later with a cold bottle of water, and his three fingers of single malt liquor, "I didn't know which you wanted, but well, maybe you'll need one or both. I'll lock the door on my way out, see you in a bit, Eva and I are going to try out the pool." She said, once again, kissing his cheek and slipping out the door, locking it on her exit.

Rick pulled out the letter, and tossed it on his desk, staring at it for a few minutes. It had the one-fold mark in the envelope, from the day, he had reluctantly taken it from her that day, and placed it in his pocket. He really hadn't given too much thought, that was a lie, he had thought about it all the time he was in New York, but he wasn't going to cave, not again.

Once in LA, things got busy and then working with Gina, and Eva, the days went by so quickly, even the long ones. He still was surprised that it had already been two weeks since she faced him down, in his own house, and then the beach.

Gina seemed to be aware of what was going on, hell she always was. She did love him, and it was a shame neither could ever compromise enough to make a relationship work. He thought back, when things were good, they were really good between them, but when things went south, well, there's a reason for divorce courts. He knew his nerves nor hers would ever last another go at it.

He was still puzzled by Eva, outside of her early admission of attractiveness physically, she had remained in the background. She was a beautiful woman, surely, she had a history with some man or many men. If he wasn't going to pursue her, which he wasn't, one episode of mixing business and pleasure was enough, he wasn't entitled to ask.

Then his eyes found the letter, hell get it over with, as he downed the three fingers of single malt, rather than sipping it. God Bless Gina, she knew him better than almost anyone other than his daughter. He lifted the envelope, and gently slid his finger under the seal, it opened easily.

Only after it was open that he recognized the stationary as the letter floated out. He had made up some holiday to bring her a present, National Butterfly Day or something stupid, as he gave her the box of stationary, with the small daisy flowers printed discreetly in the background. She had chosen that stationery to write her letter on, coincidence? Not with Katherine Beckett, not when it came to this.

He spread the sheets of paper out on the desk, smoothing the single fold mark from them, and then opened the bottle of water, and took a long drink. He cracked his knuckles and was out of stalling techniques. He gently picked the first page up and began to read.

"Dear Rick,

"Where do I start? Especially after not seeing you or hearing your voice for 92 days as of yesterday. Well, that's not 100% true, you see those hang-ups on your phone, I did hear your voice but I was too chicken to leave a message. Even now I can hear your voice in my head saying 'most people usually start at the beginning, Detective', you're right, so here goes.

He knew how many times she called, and when, she apparently had forgotten she had given him her numbers, ALL of them including the private line at her Dad's cabin in case he ever needed to get in touch with her. That was before Demming when things were getting closer, at least he thought. Well, he had been wrong before, just not this badly or so often. He continued to read,

"The beginning is not where you think it was, you probably think it was the book launch of Derrick Storm. You see I had a great deal of alone time during my recovery, no Josh and I were not together, we broke up two weeks before the shooting, and I haven't seen him since the hospital. I thought of many things, but mostly those that contained you and me together. I know I should have told you, it was a lie of omission, and I'm so very sorry.

Well, there it was, she finally admitted to one, probably one of many he thought. She lied, it seemed she could do it so easily, and so frequently, that, well, let the shrinks figure out why, he didn't really care at this point. He had standards, and lying was his line in the sand, for anyone.

During their group counseling after the divorce, Gina learned that he hated lying almost as much as, well, not as much, but almost, infidelity and lying seemed to go hand in hand. Perhaps that was why he felt so strongly about it, if you lie to me, why should I trust you to be faithful? Twice he had, twice his trust had been broken.

"When I met Renee, I thought for sure I wasn't going to like her, I couldn't have made it without her Rick, you knew what I needed even before I did. She did tell me she loved you, she told you, and that in your kind, compassionate way you explained to her, she was still in love with the young Rick Rogers who made her life better. She wasn't convinced Rick, she loves you still, just in case you didn't know.

Typical Beckett, passing judgment on something or someone before she had even given them a try. He knew that of all nurses he knew, Renee would be the one to call her on her BS, if necessary, he didn't think they would grow as close as they seemed to have done.

As far as Renee loving him, they were kids, and he was positive, Kate was hearing what she wanted to hear. He did love Renee, but like the sister he never had. They had shared experiences being the only children of unwed actresses during a time when society wasn't kind to neither the mother nor child.

"I know now is a very lousy time to tell you this, but "I never corrected you about the first time we met, I stood in line for over two hours when I was a patrol officer, Mike Royce, God Bless his soul, covered for me because he knew how much you meant to me. That probably got you to spit out your coffee, yes Rick, you are my favorite writer, and you were Mom's as well.

That was something he didn't know, well about her. He knew his super fans, and Johanna Beckett was one of the charter members of his website. He never understood why the emails and orders suddenly stopped, until he found out about her tragic death.

As for Kate, a patrol officer? He couldn't remember a cop coming in waiting for him to sign any of his books, but then again, he couldn't remember every fan who waited for his autograph. She said Royce covered for her, and well, it was the letter from Royce that she held so secret after he was killed. Royce never mentioned her being a fan, even during all the kidding between them when they worked the grave case, with the mystery map.

His mood suddenly turned darker, as he remembered them sitting on the couch in Los Angeles, the night before they came home, they had been so close, well at least from his perspective. Suddenly she stopped the flirtations, and went to her room, even when he called out, he remembered her response ringing in his ears, "Goodnight, Castle" and the door closed.

He skimmed the next paragraph about her mom's habits and then read about her feelings during the Kyra Blaine case, even the awful treatment by Sheila Blaine. Didn't she realize that yes, he loved Kyra still, but that meant that as long as she was happy, he would learn to be happy, with and for her?

Where did she get the idea that Kyra still loved him, she had read one too many love stories? Kyra loved her husband, or she wouldn't have gone through with the wedding, he knew her so much better than Kate thought she did.

"I saw the love you still had for her, and she for you, even on her wedding day. She loved you Rick, and I'm sorry things worked out the way they did, I felt your hurt, especially when we talked to Sheila Blayne.

"She couldn't have been more wrong, you have touched millions of people's hearts, mine, my mom's and so many more just with your words. You have a gift Rick, a true talent that I often derided when you did start shadowing me.

Typical Beckett he thought as he read the lines describing her jealousy, she didn't want him but didn't want anyone to have him either, was that love? WHY she put a detail on Kyra was now clear, she wanted to keep him away from her, small, even for Beckett to misuse police funds. His eyes kept reading, then re-read the line about therapy, and it being a blessing, addressing her lies.?

I will confess this here, probably because I'm a coward, I was jealous of you and her when we worked that case. I knew, by reading your book your desire for a life partner, and she was everything you described, far more than I could ever offer you.

"Something new you won't believe, I'm seeing a therapist, as you can guess it wasn't my idea, but it is a blessing in disguise. We've met a few times, one issue he's addressing head-on is my lies, why I tell them, and why are they mostly to you, or about something we did that was so very meaningful to me, yet I dismiss it as if it were nothing.

"As you can imagine it's not going to be a quick fix, when is anything when it comes to me, but this is serious Rick. I could lose the only man I love, the only man I have ever truly loved if he doesn't give me the chance to explain, and to earn my way back into his life.

He wasn't buying that he was the only man she had ever truly loved, perhaps the only one that told her to buzz off and let him be. Will, was a pussy-whipped shell of a man who Beckett bossed around even when there was no connection as lovers, perhaps he took Boston to break up with her. Demming was a nice guy, but, well, not really her type, and the Doctor, what a blow-hard, egomaniac that everyone but Beckett saw within the first five minutes of talking to the ass.

Then he read the part about working with the therapist to accept the royalty check, if she needed therapy to accept something she earned she was more fucked up than he even thought when he walked away. Once again, she mentioned jealousy, of Carol, Rick put the letter down and laughed. Even the super cop Beckett bought into the ruse, no wonder Bracken's team did as well.

Once again, the hurt immersed him when she mentioned Los Angeles, the night, conveniently forgetting who walked away in the middle of the first serious talk they had had about them. Now she was asking for another chance? Another chance for what? What had they been, he knew what he had hoped they would become, but she was in a totally different universe, "THERE IS NO US, and THERE NEVER WILL BE CASTLE" rang through his head as clearly as the first day she had said it?

Perhaps this next section was the reason for the letter, but as he read it, he kept waiting for her to explain why it should have been her case, how he stole her glory, and he was surprised at what she wrote. Perhaps she was under some hypnosis with the therapist, the Kate Beckett he left in New York would NEVER have written this. THANK YOU? Kate Beckett didn't say thank you to anyone.

Now for the elephant in the room, just to be perfectly clear about EVERYTHING. I know it was your tips that you furnished to Agent Walsh that eventually solved mom's murder, Thank You. I can't lie, I was so mad at you at first, I thought I should have been the one to arrest the bastard, but when I saw the briefing of the operations, the planning, and the elaborate ruse, you were correct in your actions. I would have gotten Javi, Kevin, and myself killed in an act of revenge.

The last section he could barely read, he wasn't prepared for these words, for the whining, and excuse-making, yes, but for adult honest talk about matters of the heart, no, not with Kate, not the Kate he knew anyway.

"Rick, I ask you now, please can you spare a few hours for lunch or dinner, hell breakfast if you choose, any time, any place you feel comfortable with, to meet with me. Even if you want to tell me to go to hell, please do it face to face, I love you, Richard Castle, I've loved you since our third case together and I don't want to waste another minute of time not letting you know. I would much rather do this in person, but, I'm lucky I overheard where you were staying so I can hand deliver this myself.

This letter is much longer than I intended it, but I wanted to share with you some new facts. I don't know how you put up with me but I'm glad you did, and I'm praying you still have some feelings for me left, I guess I'll find out tomorrow,

Till then Rick, once again, I love you with all of my heart, and I would do anything to take away the pain I know I've caused not only you but all the others that love you as well. Until I finally see you and end these 92 days of self-imposed exile, remember, I'm ready for whatever you will give me. I know you'll take everything I've written into consideration, once you've taken your heart medication from the shock. I promise you, Rick, this is the new me,

I love you, Now and Forever,

Always,

Kate,

He finished the letter and knew there was no way he could formulate his answer, not one that she deserved or one he wouldn't regret later. She had him thrown for more than just a loop, she had re-invented the woman he left in New York to escape to Los Angeles for. He also knew he was too quick to forgive, his therapists' observation.

He knew he had to answer her letter, but not in such detail. He pulled his phone out, composed the text,

"Kate,

"Sorry to take so long to answer, well actually to read your letter but I've been busy. Well, that's BS, and we both know it, it's taken me this long to be prepared to deal with it. I've read it, but I'm more confused now than ever. I need time to figure out where I go from here, and I don't know how long it will take, so I won't ask for any specific amount of time.

"Just know that I'm dealing with what you said, trying to believe you, but even you have to admit, it's gonna be hard. You remember some events totally differently than I do, but then I guess, we went into our "partnership" with different attitudes, I was forced on you, and I don't blame you for some of the resentment.

"I promise I will respond to your letter, with more details, I'm just not sure how soon. I'm sorry if this disappoints you, and if you want to move on with your life, then feel free to do so, I know what it's like to wait without knowing if there ever was a glimmer of hope,

Castle."

He read it over, once, put the pages of the letter back in her envelope and placed the letter inside the top desk drawer, and hit send. What would happen next, he had no idea, but he wasn't going to lie to her. He wasn't even sure if he felt the same, after all the times he had been disappointed, was it even worth it to get the hopes of a possibility up now? He had told the truth, he needed to think this one through carefully.

TBC