She lay on the cold slab, tears leaking out the corner of her eye. All it took were these few words to resurrect powerful memories of how close they had become when she was first recovering in the clearing. The strength of her loss and longing threatened a torrent of tears and she breathed deeply to settle herself. She was relieved he had understood the message behind her words and backed out of the healer's room as she just could not manage court intrigue with her stretcher bearers when she was dealing with this much pain. Karigan was grateful to him although a part of her cried for him to come back and be with her whilst she endured this fresh setback.
She heard quiet murmurs outside and gritted her teeth in preparation. Boots appeared in her line of vision.
"Hi Karigan," Ben said quietly.
She grunted at Ben, her breathing laboured. Once upon a time she would have fought his ministrations desperately, demanding that he let her leave at once. But that was long ago, in a time of innocence, a time before Nyssa. Now her visits with Ben were so frequent, sometimes twice a day depending on what new concoction he had thought up, that she had lost all notion of dignity beneath his touch. Sometimes it amused her to think that at her age, when she should be taking lovers to her bed, it was instead Ben who has seen her the most naked, Ben who repeatedly took her clothes off and gently redressed her. As was her want these days, her bitter humour degenerated into anger at yet another reminder of what she had lost. She tried hard. She really did. Karigan was grateful for many things in her life even now. But in moments like this, what could she do but feel; as her soul was sucked down into the depths of black emotion, where loss and regret and anger spiralled in her viscerally, and she could taste the ash of it in her mouth.
"I see the training ground won again," Ben joked. He didn't wait for her reply, just began humming under his breath as she felt the calming glow of his gift bathe over her back, warmth trailing into her muscles and connective tissue as his hands flowed over the damaged tissue. He healed the damage caused by her actual fall and then continued all over. "We were due for a session later today anyway," he said before returning to his tune. Ben had a nice voice. It wasn't lost on her that he had started singing early on in their long sessions as a way to calm her down and make her feel less awkward. The silence had been unbearable for her initially and she had flinched as his hands melted over the intimate parts of her body. They had developed a good rhythm over the few weeks she had seen him since her return, and even though his progress was slow, at least she experienced moments of relief from the near constant agony Nyssa had left her as a legacy.
It was also not lost on her that it was Ben who was her assigned healer. Ben, who was reserved for royal emergencies. It may not be a mirror and brush, but she suspected this particular service had the same royal insignia behind it as the gift she had rejected many moons ago.
Her thoughts drifted back to the king, as they so often did. She felt jarred by having seen him again. The first since the meeting in the throne room. She couldn't decide if it was worse to not see him or have him see her like this, as if they were in the clearing again. The anger that remained permanently pitted in her stomach rose up as she gritted her teeth, fighting the urge to cry.
"All done," Ben said quietly, placing his hand on her arm gently as he noticed her frustration surface. "Thannnnks Ben," she murmured tiredly. Drent was still lounged in the corner with his arms crossed. His practiced eyes watched the movement of her back muscles as Ben helped her to sit up and eased her breast band and shirt back on.
Drent coughed. "Leave us for a minute boy," he muttered quietly as he walked to stand in front of her. Karigan sighed as Ben slipped away. She hated letting Drent down. Mustering her courage to speak, she was taken aback when his warm palm engulfed hers. She looked up into this face with a start and saw regret fill his eyes. Oh no, she thought miserably.
"Girl, you have done well to have made it back alive to the castle. To return to your training even. Your spirit is determined but your body is not..." his eyes flicked to the side as he fumbled for the right words, "not able to cope with the rigor that this training program will inflict on it. By all accounts you have done more for your country in this mission than most of my Weapons will see during their service. But heroism aside, I cannot let you continue. I have kept a close eye on you for close to a moon and I'm certain of this fact. I would like you to continue with Gresia if you prefer, in her recovery program. Aye, a bit of movement would be good for you. But the Weapons training…." He shook his head, and dropped her hand. "I'm sorry."
Karigan had listened to this with eyes that slowly filled. She just sat and nodded, her mind clouded and distant. After a time of silence that was clearly more than Drent could cope with, he shifted uneasily and told her he needed return to the rings. Karigan snapped back to the present. "Drent, thank you for…everything," she finished lamely, unable to keep a choked tone from her voice as she tried to convey gratitude for all the opportunities he given her, now lost. He shook his head and walked away.
Karigan watched the white wall opposite her, motionless. The dull pain, her dull mind. Slowly out of the fog a thought emerged that her inner voice repeated over and over until it was the only thing that made any sense. "What's the point?" she whispered bleakly into the empty room. "What's the point. What's the point. What's the POINT?" There was none, her mind whispered back. Suddenly it all made sense. There was no more point to her life. She just needed to exist. For some reason.
Karigan began to giggle although this turned to a groan as she eased herself off of the slab. She was a rider who couldn't ride, a warrior who couldn't fight, a woman who couldn't be a lover. The last thought sunk her further into gloom. As she walked slowly to the wooden arched door she paused at the raised table where Ben kept his medicaments. A familiar amber bottle, laced with pain relief, lay in the middle. Her fingertips slowly caressed the glass. No point.
A thrill passed through Karigan as she stood there, deciding. Her fingers trembled with possibility. That more than anything brought her back to herself. She wasn't quite ready for that yet. Maybe it was time to visit the meadow.
Karigan trudged back to quarters through the halls connecting the barracks to the mending wing. Thankfully the common area was empty, riders either busy with errands, jobs or training. She headed to her room listlessly and lay carefully on her stomach. She slowed her breathing, inhaling deeply and deliberately until her breath slowed naturally. She focused on the pause at the end of each inhale and exhale allowing the calm to wash over her mind. Before long she was drifting off and in her mind's eye trudged up a tree lined path, the shade casting warm and cool patterns on her skin as the knee high grasses gently grazed her legs in the soft breeze. She inhaled the sweet air as she strode into the clearing, her body light and her mind peaceful. Seastaria lifted her head from the lush grasses and sniffed, her nostrils flaring. She neighed and trotted over to nuzzle Karigan gently on the nape of her neck. Karigan sighed with pleasure and leaned into her mentor's body, revelling in the sturdy warmth that seeped into her side.
"Hello you lovely thing," she whispered.
Seastaria continued to nuzzle her softly before gracefully kneeling to lie in the grass. Karigan dropped down to her usual spot in the hollow between her neck and belly and watched. Overlaying the quiet of the morning were the sounds of baby birds crying hungrily from their nests as their parents looked for bugs, singing to each other as they found food for their chicks. The grassy meadow sang in the breeze in a soft rustle and the river close by lapped at the edges of the banks. Grasshoppers rubbed their legs to release a cacophony of chirps. Peace seeped into Karigan's bones as the hours passed. She sat quietly and absentmindedly rubbed her palms down Seastaria's soft hide. After a while she wondered for the hundredth time why she couldn't just stay here forever.
And for the hundredth time since that thought popped into her head, the majestic horse goddess shook her head vigorously and made her way up as Karigan scrambled out of the way.
"Ok, ok, I get it," she mumbled. Well not really. She was not really sure why the horse always made such a fuss when she thought about living in the meadow.
Seastaria looked at her directly and Karigan was spellbound by the beautiful, starry patterns she found in her eyes. Colourful nebulas threaded the universe amongst star giants. The depth of the blackness that was the backdrop to these displays was dizzying. With a blink the horse turned away and the spell was broken. She fanned her tail at Karigan in a teasing gesture, as Karigan had come to think of it. She laughed.
"Goodbye to you too," she called after the trotting horse. She looked around and closed her eyes, breathing. She could hear a thud and cracked an eye open to see where it came from. Another thud. Hmmmmm. With a jolt she realised that it must be in the real world. Groaning, she hurried back down the path and stepped into her mind, her body screeching her into reality with the ever-present pain.
"Karigan, are you awake?!" commanded someone at her door.
"Coming, I'll just be a few more moments," she answered back, taking her time to pant her way onto her side and lever herself of the bed, stifling a cry. She hobbled over to the door and unlocked the latch. It opened of its own accord to reveal the Colonel.
"Colonel Mapstone," she nodded.
"You look awful," Laren replied with arms over her chest as she cast a critical gaze up and down Karigan's figure.
"One of Dent's runners came to visit me earlier. Are you up for a walk?"
Karigan nodded. She could hardly say no. Laren opened her arms and indicated for Karigan to move pass and lead the way out to the pasture. Karigan was used to people asking her to take the lead so she could set the pace as they walked casually behind her. She was long past being annoyed.
They moved slowly since Karigan's stiff body was still protesting her morning disaster. At the fence they watched the herd together in silence. Karigan thought back to a time many moons ago when they had met at this same fence, as Karigan had explained to the then Captain about her Wild Ride into the Castle for the first time. It seemed like another lifetime.
"I am sorry, Karigan," came the quiet sentence. Karigan had her eyes on Condor and she kept them fastened on him, silent, trying not to cry again. After a few moments she remembered she stood with her commanding officer and let out a shaky sigh, turning to meet Laren's eyes. They were full of compassion. Tears fell onto her cheeks.
"I'm useless," she blurted out, "I can't fight. I can't ride. I can barely walk. I can't do paperwork for more than a few minutes before the pain becomes too much. I struggle to enjoy time with my friends at night. Sleep is the only time I feel any sort of relief. Mornhaven is coming and I can't do a single thing!"
Turning back to the fence she smashed her fist down on the top pole hard, enjoying the rough sensation that thudded the side of her hand. Gritting her teeth she continued.
"My friends are riding out, maybe to their deaths, and I can't even help them saddle. I know I have done a lot for this fight. I know what I decided to do and I don't regret the reason. I remember it every time I look up." Without realising, her eyes followed her words up to the parapet where tiny men patrolled endlessly, to a favourite haunt of the king.
"But it doesn't matter because I can't do anything now! I have no use, I'm just surrounded by horses and people and…" she threw her hands in the air, "everything, that constantly reminds me of what I used to be, and what I can't ever do again." Her voice grew soft and she shut her eyes as her bottom lip trembled.
"What is the point?"
After a moment Laren placed her hand gently on Karigan's shoulder. The older woman was no stranger to sorrow on the field; after all, it was a hard life. Still, it didn't stop her stomach tightening as she did the thing she hated most but was all she could ever do. She offered her support even though she could do nothing to help.
"I know. I am so grateful you were returned to us and I can't imagine what you must be feeling. I remember recovering from my own wounds and how frustrated and helpless I felt, even though I mostly recovered and your journey may look different. I also know that you alone have helped us to become as prepared as we now are for what lies ahead. I hope this brings you comfort in the dark moments."
Karigan nodded morosely. She did however feel slightly better at the simple but heartfelt empathy that Laren had given her. She laughed roughly and angrily wiped her eyes. What a whirlwind of emotions today was.
Laren checked the sky. "It's getting late. Go eat at the mess with Mara and get an early night. I want to see you in my office when you are ready tomorrow morning. I start meetings at 11 bells," this was accompanied by her normal eye roll, which prompted a small smile from Karigan.
"Thank you Colonel. I know you are busy-" Karigan was cut off when Laren briskly shook her head.
"Nonsense. I was looking for some fresh air anyway and regardless, it is important to me that you can share your story with me. My door is always open to you Karigan."
Karigan rewarded her sentiment with a proper smile. Laren watched her favourite rider slowly and stiffly shuffle to the mess hall and her heart grew heavier still. She sighed and headed back to her office to finish more paperwork on this beautiful night. She didn't mind though. She had asked the king if he would excuse her from morning meetings until 11 bells if she provided notes, so she could give Karigan as much time as her body needed before their official chat together. He had agreed immediately, and she detected again that changed undercurrent in his body language, subtle and nuanced, that only someone who had known him his entire life would pick up on. Something had happened between those two. She sighed louder and shut her office door.