Their first fight as a couple happened a week before Christmas.
They had moved into an apartment together a couple of months prior and it had been a surprisingly smooth transition. The boys were both able to stay in the schools they were enrolled in for the remainder of the school year, and the apartment was centrally located for both Elliot and her. They had even agreed on furniture and decor...for the most part. The place quickly took on a feeling of home, not just because of the accessories. The four of them were so comfortable with each other. She had worried that it would be harder for herself and Noah to adjust, but everything about being with Elliot and Eli had just felt so right. Some days she would find herself just watching Noah interact with them from a distance...her three favorite men in the whole world, together under one roof.
There were so many things she was enjoying about having him here permanently, but waking up next to him was one of her favorites. New York winters could be bitter cold, but they could also be beautiful. She loved the feeling of opening her eyes to the brightness of snow on the ground and the feeling of him wrapped around her...a comfortable warmth that no blanket could duplicate. He almost always fell asleep spooning her, his leg covering her and his arm wrapped around her waist, as if he was afraid he might fall asleep and she would disappear. There was no need to worry though...she had no desire to be anywhere other than next to him.
If waking up with him was one of her favorite things, falling asleep next to her was one of his. There was something about the way she relaxed into him before she fell asleep that gave him a sense of contentment. He knew she felt safe in his arms, and after everything she had experienced in her life, it made him feel so damn good to know that he could give her that. He would drape his arm over her, letting her lace her fingers in his and hearing the sigh escape her lips. The scent of her on his pillow and the way her body rose and fell steadily with each breath lulled him to sleep.
Their morning routine throughout the week had become pretty familiar: showers, breakfast, and off to work. She usually dropped Eli off because his school was closer to the 1-6, and he usually took Noah. She enjoyed getting to spend time one on one with Eli, and she was thankful Noah had the opportunity to do the same with Elliot. Spending time with his son was always a little bittersweet though. If things had been different all those years ago...if either of them had dared to take that step when he was separated...but she never let herself dwell on that. As she pulled up in front of his school, she put her hand on the young man's shoulder. "Have a good day, sweetheart. See you tonight." "See ya, Liv," he called as he hopped out of the car. She watched him go, shaking away the feelings of regret as she pulled back into traffic.
A few blocks away, Elliot was on his way to work. He had dropped Noah off already and then stopped to grab coffee for himself and Bell. "G'morning," he said as he handed her the cup. "Yeah," she said distractedly. "Everything ok?" Ayanna was a lot like Olivia in so many ways that they had fallen into a comfortable rapport early. He knew she had his back and had been there to listen, especially in the beginning, more times than he could count. "I'm fine. Little man is teething and I didn't get much sleep last night. Thank you for this," she said, raising the cup in a gesture of gratitude.
"You know, if you ever need someone to watch him for a couple of hours...give you and Denise a chance to go out to dinner or even just sleep, Liv and I would be happy to watch him." He felt a little guilty volunteering Olivia without her knowledge, but he was sure she wouldn't mind. "Consider it part of your Christmas present," he grinned. "I may just take you up on that, Stabler," she smiled back.
Bell took him up on his offer that weekend.
The four of them had been decorating the Christmas tree when his phone buzzed. "Hello?" he said into his cell.
"Stabler...ummm...are you and Liv busy today?" He smiled at the hesitation in her voice.
"Just a Saturday in with the boys. You?" He could hear the exhaustion in her voice, but he couldn't help tease her a little.
She sighed, well aware of his game. "If your offer still stands, we plan on sleeping for a couple of hours. Are you sure you don't mind?"
He looked at Liv hanging ornaments next to him and smiled. He had already told her that he had offered up their babysitting services, so he was able to answer Bell honestly. "We don't mind at all. Swing by any time."
An hour later Liv sat on the couch with Bell's son resting against her chest. It had taken a little while, but she had finally gotten him to sleep and she wasn't about to risk putting him down. Besides, she hadn't had the opportunity to hold a baby like this in a long time, and it felt good. The boys were in Eli's room playing video games, and Elliot was in the kitchen making dinner. She closed her eyes and cradled him closer, letting herself savor the moment.
He kept stealing glimpses of her from the kitchen while he cooked. She was such a natural with children. Over the years he had marveled at the way she interacted with countless kids, all different ages. It was one of her many gifts. She looked so beautiful, the lights on the Christmas tree dancing against her face. He watched as the little guy snuggled in closer, relaxing against her, and it hurt him to think that he never got to witness these moments between her and Noah.
Usually they all ate at the dinner table when they were home together, but tonight they ate in shifts. Elliot and the boys ate first, and then he brought a plate to her in the living room. He sat down next to her on the couch, placing the plate on the coffee table in front of her. "Want me to take him so you can eat?" She smiled, handing the sleeping boy off to Elliot. He fussed a little bit, but then settled again. "He sure is a sweet little guy," she said as she grabbed her plate. "I hope Ayanna and Denise are getting some sleep." "Me too," he said.
She finished eating and told him she would clean up. She put the leftovers away and loaded the dishwasher before checking in on the boys. They had given up on the video game and were watching TV, so she let them be and headed back to the living room. This time when she sat down, she settled in right next to him, feet curled under her and her left arm draped across his shoulders. His right hand was resting on the little guy's back, and she placed her hand on top of his. Leaning in, she kissed his neck and whispered in his ear, "I'm glad you volunteered us to watch him. This feels nice." He leaned over and kissed her gently on lips. "Mmmm, this does feel nice," he said with a wink. "Easy, Stabler...there are kids here," she replied as she rested her head against his shoulder. He looked so at ease, which was not surprising after five children. Still, seeing his large hands resting so gently on Bell's son once again brought up the same feelings from this morning.
As he sat on the couch with the boy safe in his arms and her curled up next to him, he felt the very same feelings of regret and guilt. Once again he was confronted with the ways he had let down both of the women he cared about most in the world. After several minutes of silence, he spoke. "I was watching you hold him earlier, and it hit me again that I missed out on all of this with you and Noah." He sighed, moving his hand so that his was on top of hers. His thumb danced across her fingers as he closed his eyes and focused on the feeling of her body against his and the weight of the child on his chest. "I'm sorry, Liv. I'm sorry I wasn't here…" "El, stop," she interrupted. "Let's not dig up the past, please?" She kissed his cheek, hoping she hadn't come off too unsympathetic. She knew he was sorry, and she had forgiven him...but talking about it still hurt. Thinking about everything he missed still hurt. Right now, in that moment, she had everything she had ever wanted and she didn't want to ruin that.
Elliot got a text from Bell soon after saying she would be there in a few minutes. He handed the baby off to Liv so he could respond, and then got up to unlock the door. Turning around, he watched her again, but this time she was aware of his gaze. She smiled up at him, wondering what he was thinking, but she didn't ask and he didn't say. Soon there was a knock at the door, and he opened it to a much more rested looking Ayanna. "You two have no idea how grateful I am to you both. Was he any trouble?" Liv rose from the couch, grabbed the diaper bag, and handed the sleeping bundle to his mom. "He was a little fussy at first, but once he fell asleep he was out the entire time. Thank you for letting us watch him. It was nice to have a little one around again." The two women shared a quick hug before Bell turned back toward the door. "Thank you, Elliot," she said as she stepped out into the hall. "Anytime," he grinned before closing the door.
Not long after, the two of them said goodnight to Noah and Eli and headed to bed themselves. He settled in next to her and she laid her head on his chest, running her hand up and down his torso. Today had been a good day, and now she wanted to relax and enjoy just being with him before she fell asleep.
He ran his fingers through her hair and listened to her breathe. He couldn't shake the feeling of guilt that had found him tonight; guilt that he hadn't been able to give her the family she wanted years ago, guilt that he had even had those thoughts when he loved his wife, guilt that she had to do it all without him.
Guilt that they would never have a child together.
"Hey Liv?" he asked tentatively. "Hmmm?" she hummed in response. "Have you ever thought about another child?" She sat up slowly, looking into his eyes. He was serious. "El, I'm 57. You're 60. You have five beautiful children and I have Noah. That's enough for me." He thought about that for a minute, and then he said the one thing she had been trying not to think about all day.
"Don't you ever wonder...if things were different...what he or she would have been like?"
It felt as if all the oxygen had been sucked out of the room. She felt a wave of emotion crash over her as she looked him square in the eye. Without a word, she put on her robe and headed out to the balcony. It was freezing outside but she didn't care. She didn't want to be hurt or angry at his question, but she was. He gave her a few minutes before he made his way outside as well. Saying nothing, he stepped out onto the balcony and wrapped a blanket around her. He stood there next to her, waiting for her to speak.
"Elliot, we both know what we felt when we were partners. And we both know why it couldn't happen. But that doesn't mean I didn't think…" she stopped. Her need to be honest and her respect for Kathy were at odds and she didn't know how to say what she wanted him to hear.
Taking a deep breath, she continued. "You knew better than anyone how badly I wanted a family. You knew about the failed adoption application and how scared I was about the genes I would be passing on. You knew all of it, Elliot. And you were always the one there to pick up the pieces. It was always you...but I couldn't have you."
"Olivia…" he started, but she put her hand up to his chest, stopping him.
"Stop. I need you to hear me. I'm not blaming you. It's not your fault...it's not Kathy's fault...it just is. I accepted it, but that doesn't mean I never thought about it. It doesn't mean my heart didn't break a little as I held your newborn son. It doesn't mean that I didn't spend all of those restless nights alone with Noah wishing you were here." Her voice had steadily gotten louder, and she glanced inside before looking back at him. With tears in her eyes, she met his unblinking. Her voice quieted to a whisper. "You really want to know if I ever wondered what our child would be like? I've wondered for 23 years, Elliot. And it breaks my heart that we will never know."
He stared back at her in silence. The pain...the guilt...the regret...everything he had felt today was reflected back at him in her eyes. In that moment he would have done anything to take those feelings away from her, to bear them alone for the both of them, but he knew he couldn't. He took a ragged breath as he reached for her, worried she might back away in anger, but instead she took a step toward him. She drew the blanket around both of them and he held her for what seemed like an eternity, neither of them speaking. Finally he let the apology spill from his lips.
"I'm so sorry, Liv, for so many things." His voice broke and he swallowed hard. He opened his mouth to say more, but she placed a finger against his lips. "I know you are, El. It's ok. The way things are right now...our life together...sweetheart, I'm happy. I'm happier than I've ever been, and it's because of you. We can't go back now and change the past, but I'm excited for the future." She leaned forward, kissing away a lone tear that had traced a path down his cheek. With a weak smile and strong arms he held her tightly. "Me too," he whispered in her ear as he lifted her, blanket and all, and carried her back inside.