Zachary threw open the small door that was hidden close to the alcove where he and Karigan had said goodbye and stormed down the steps, his insides in turmoil. He walked blindly along the winding secret passages towards the royal suites. His feet were long accustomed to these dark pathways. Fastion and Donal followed slightly behind, well able to keep up with their sovereign as he threw his energy into his pace. In his position there was fair little else he could do with it. Fastion remained silent as he was tasked to do although he was filled with pity for the ill-fated couple. Although the Order was secretive to outsiders, gossip ran rife amongst their ranks and all Weapons knew of the deep love between Karigan and their king, and did their best to protect them both from any talk, as well as facilitating the odd encounter. The king had no idea that another couple had been close to them before Donal had quietly moved them along. There was more than one way to protect the king.
Zachary's pace slowed as he approached the door to the passage outside of the royal suite. His hand grasped the doorknob and he paused, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly. His wife and children were beyond that door and deserved his commitment. Guilt flooded his chest and his head bowed with the responsibility and sense of entrapment. It was a feeling that would pass as it so often did, once his talk with Karigan became a memory and he gained control of himself. He often felt grateful that his inevitably arranged marriage had worked out so favourably; his wife was smart, kind and an excellent Queen. He also loved his children dearly. But there were dark moments when his heart railed against feelings of helplessness and desire, even as his mind understood the boons he had been granted. He wanted the wife he loved. He wanted her to bear his children. He shook his head to clear his mutinous thoughts and opened the door into the passageway, walking to the end of the family suite.
Far more gently he opened the door that entered into their living area, in case Estora was asleep on the couch, as she often was between night feeds. He looked down towards the fire and his frown melted slightly as he watched her breathing deeply. His frown returned. He didn't deserve her.
He watched her a moment longer before noticing that her arms were wrapped quite tightly around herself. She must be cold, he thought. He walked over to the fireplace as quietly as he could and placed an extra log on the fire before treading softly towards the couch and shaking out the light wool blanket that lay over the arm. He spread it over her as gently as possible and was startled to see her sleepy eyes trained on his as he leaned over her shoulder. She had looked dead to the world. Impulsively, he pressed a kiss to her forehead before grimacing to himself as he felt her skin. His lips had touched Karigan's not that long ago. What a cad he was to both of them.
"Sorry for waking you, I thought you were cold," he murmured.
"Thank you, my lord." Her cool tone cut him. This was his wife. Their relationship had been strained for some time and he had done little to help the matter. His mind told him to do what he could to mend it while it was still possible and yet, he simply couldn't bring himself to play the part of her husband. Not whilst Karigan was under his roof. It felt like a betrayal to her, but more so to himself. He realised in that moment, his face but a few inches from Estora's gaze, that he still believed Karigan would be united with him somehow in some distant future. He stared at the reality of Estora's smooth skin and gripping the idea, wrestled it firmly down in his subconscious. He was incredulous that the hope had lay kindled in his soul for so long, hidden from even his own mind. The damage it had wrought to three lives barely a half candle's mark passed was all the proof his mind finally needed. It was time to let go of that idea now or at least, forget about it, to make the best of what was before him and do justice to them both. It was not a terrible marriage and he owed it to both of them to give it a chance. He felt chastened and vowed to do better by both Estora and Karigan. A small sense of peace, just the tiniest whisper, descended on him like a blanket as he reconciled himself to his future in this marriage with a women he respected, even if he may never love her.
Estora sensed a change come over Zachary as he sat over her and stared into the lounge. He was so close and she knew how to cut him deeply. She bit the inside of her mouth to control the very visceral sense of wanting to upset him and drive him away with her hurt. It would be so easy; it was tantalisingly within her reach. There were so many things she could say to him, after she had endured countless moments where he had let her know she was a definite second preference, if there was any such thing after Karigan. As good as it would feel it was always a momentary pleasure. And it hurt her the most in the end; their union gave them few options and there was no escape. Her pride wouldn't permit debauchery at this point in their marriage. She must choose the only real option left to her one more time.
She breathed out and keeping one hand on her skin to maintain her softness and courage, snaked her other arm up slowly to rest on his. He looked at her and she smiled.
"You have no idea how cold I was. Our monsters are eating me dry."
Zachary grinned and pressed her hand to his arm. "I'll have words with them in the morning."
Estora laughed softly and felt the uneasiness between them lift slightly as he sat touching her as best he could. The ice had begun to melt and maybe one day, the sun would shine on their marriage.