Meredith is shaking as she enters the large, welcoming building just over twenty minutes from her house. Cristina and Olivia are on either side of her, Olivia in full agent mode, constantly scanning for danger and keeping Meredith away from crowds or anyone suspicious.
"Appointment for Meredith Grey," Cristina checks in her friend for her. The receptionist nods, smiling a big smile, all too fake.
"Of course! Please, have a seat and you'll be called back shortly."
Meredith turns and finds the quietest spot she can, away from people. Olivia follows, standing about five feet from Meredith, giving her some space but being close enough to react in case anything happens. Cristina sits next to the blonde, tenderly placing a comforting hand on her leg.
Meredith plays with her hands in her lap, keeping her gaze towards the ground. Across the room, there's a younger woman with her hand resting atop a huge stomach, as well as a couple with another child fidgeting next to them.
After what seems like hours of waiting and hundreds of pages of paperwork, her name is finally called and the three women stand.
"Do you want me to wait out here or go with you?" Cristina stops Meredith before she can go back. After a minute of hesitation, Meredith grabs her friend's hand and pulls Cristina close to her body, following the nurse back to an exam room. Olivia trails behind, stopping outside of the room to take her post, but also give them some privacy.
"Okay, undress from the waist down, here's a nice paper cloth for you, and the doctor will be in shortly." The nurse says after the door is closed. Meredith freezes and hesitantly meets the short, brunette nurse's gaze.
"Do I have to?"
The nurse frowns, confused. "Uh, yes, the exam will be done transvaginally."
Meredith throws a helpless look at Cristina, but the nurse leaves before they can argue more. "I can leave if you want, I'll wait right outside." The cardio surgeon offers.
"No, stay," Meredith assures her quickly, not wanting to be alone. "Olivia's right outside, right? No one can..." she trails off, her gaze flicking nervously to the door.
"Olivia's right outside. You're safe here Meredith, it's okay."
Taking a calming breath, Meredith nods and strips her clothes, Cristina turning away to give her some privacy. Once she's settled uncomfortably on the table, Cristina faces her again.
"I don't like this," Meredith mumbles, pressing her thighs together. Before Cristina can respond, there's a soft knock at the door and it opens, the doctor walking in and shutting it behind her. A genuine smile appears on Meredith's face as she greets her, "Addison."
The tall redhead, gorgeous as ever, returns the smile. "Meredith, it's been too long. I'm sorry we're seeing each other again under these circumstances."
"Me too, though I wouldn't trust anyone else," the blonde laughs, her tone light but truth shadowing her words.
Addison Montgomery used to work at Seattle Grace back when Meredith was an intern. The two women bonded quickly, but when the neonatal surgeon left the hospital early in Meredith's residency, they lost touch.
"So, a Harper Avery, that's big news, congratulations." Addison starts making small talk as she moves around the exam room, preparing whatever she needs.
"Yeah. How about you, I heard you're married now? How's it feel?"
"Jake Riley is an amazing man, first and hopefully last husband," she jokes. Meredith forces a small smile, watching the doctor move in front of her. Addison wears a sky blue dress with her white lab coat over it, accompanied by some heels that probably cost a thousand dollars alone. Finally, the redhead sits on the rolling stool at the edge of Meredith's bed, an ultrasound machine not a foot away. "I've seen the news," she starts slowly, watching the blonde carefully to see how she's responding.
"Everyone has," Meredith shrugs, dropping her gaze. Cristina still stands at Meredith's side silently, as she was never close with Addison.
"I know what he did."
"Everyone does."
"If you want me to stop or slow down or do anything at any point, please don't hesitate to say something. Whatever you need, Meredith," Addison says, then instructs Meredith down into the stirrups, and when she gets consent from the blonde on the table, she begins.
Meredith closes her eyes, imagining herself somewhere peaceful...an OR. She's in the middle of an operating room, performing a simple hernia repair. It's quiet, she goes through the steps of the procedure over and over again, until a soft swooshing fills her ears and her eyes snap back open, pulling her to the present. She pushes herself up on the table a bit, ignoring the burning from her ribs.
"The fetus looks healthy, though your placenta is low so we'd need to keep an eye on that," Addison speaks, her eyes on the black and white image on the ultrasound screen.
"Is that its heartbeat?" Meredith breathes.
"Yes," Addison looks up from the screen for a moment to study Meredith, whose expression is a mix of so many emotions she can't identify even one. Returning her gaze to the screen, she continues. "From the looks of it, I'd place you at six weeks."
It takes a minute for the date to sink in, but as soon as it does the timeline falls into place and Meredith collapses back onto the table. "No," she whispers, her voice breaking, "It's William's."
"Do you want a picture?" Addison asks quietly, unsure of what response she'll get.
"Yes," The blonde breaths after a moment of hesitation as she closes her eyes once again, failing to prevent a tear from escaping down her cheek.
Cristina's hand is gripped tightly in Meredith's, the cardio surgeon studying the ground, for once not having anything to say. Addison finishes the exam and cleans up, then returns to her seat in front of Meredith, her expression unreadable.
"You have options, here," the redhead begins.
"How long do I have to decide?" Meredith cuts her off before she can even begin.
"The state of Washington doesn't have a limit to how long you can wait to get an abortion, though if it's past thirty weeks it would be considered preterm delivery," Addison answers, Meredith stressfully running fingers through her hair. "You can also carry the baby to term and give it up for adoption, or you can keep it. I can be your OB throughout your pregnancy if you want me, or I can give you an abortion."
Meredith is quiet, her gaze clouded in thought. The other two women give her as much time as she needs. "Can I think about it?" The blonde asks finally.
"Of course. Call me anytime, you have my personal number still, right?" Addison gives her a small smile when she nods. "In the meantime, I'm going to get you some prenatal vitamins, though you do not have to take them if you don't want to."
Meredith nods again, and Addison hands her three ultrasound pictures then leaves the room. Meredith stares at the blurry black and white images in her hand, feeling guilt, sadness, and even the slightest bit of happiness at the same time. Finally, she gets dressed and asks desperately, "What do I do, Cristina?"
Soft brown eyes meet emerald and the surgeon sighs. "I can't tell you what to do here."
Shaking her head, Meredith drops her gaze and mutters curses under her breath.
Not long after, Cristina and Meredith walk out of the OB office with a small bag. Olivia is with them and checks the car before they get in. The agent doesn't say a word, knowing it's none of her business. Once the car's cleared, they make their way back to the house in silence. When they arrive, Meredith goes upstairs immediately and doesn't come back down for the rest of the night.
The following afternoon, Meredith walks through the halls of Grey-Sloan Memorial, Maggie at her side after another shift change. The agent takes post outside as Meredith barges into Dr. Wyatt's office, slamming the door behind her and collapsing in a heap onto the couch.
After a few minutes of silence, Katharine speaks. "I can only help if you tell me what is going through your head right now."
Meredith looks up, meeting her therapist's gaze. "I'm pregnant. It's William's."
That had not been what Katharine was expecting, and it takes a minute for her to sort her thoughts. "Okay," she nods, starting slowly, "Tell me what you're thinking."
"Goddamnit, I have so many different thoughts, so many different emotions, but at the same time I'm like, I don't know...numb." Meredith can feel her anger start to fight its way to the surface, so she stands and begins pacing. "I have no clue what to do. Part of me is thinking, it's my baby. My child. I'm growing an actual being inside of me, so I should take care of it. But then I remember the whole reason there is a being inside of me. A little human I never wanted. I think about how sick of a man the father is. What if I keep it and it looks just like him? And every time I see the child I'm supposed to love and care for all I can feel is...hate because it looks like it's father, the man who ruined my life."
Meredith pauses, catching her breath. She's speaking so fast it's hard to control what comes out of her mouth, and she can only hope Dr. Wyatt is understanding any of it. "I'm scared. I'm terrified. I-I never pictured myself as a mother, most definitely not in this position. Am I being selfish for not wanting to have this baby because I'm not ready? I'm a living, human hurricane. I can't control myself, I can't sleep, I don't eat, I don't do anything right. I feel guilty for thinking of myself first because I don't think I can handle being a mother. Then there's the baby. If I have it and it grows up, it's going to ask about its father. What the hell do I say to that? A child doesn't deserve to live in a world where it can't be loved properly-"
"Meredith!" Dr. Wyatt cuts off her rant. The therapist can see the woman in front of her is about to have a panic attack and needs to calm herself down before things get out of hand. The blonde snaps her scared eyes to Katharine, struggling for breath. "Come sit," she says, moving to the couch and patting the spot next to her.
Meredith obeys, her movements uncoordinated and her mind foggy as she tries to fight off the powerful flashback that wants to take over. "Listen to me. I'm going to teach you something, it's called grounding. Say it. Grounding."
"Grounding," Meredith's voice shakes.
"Okay, good. You need to channel your five senses to bring you back here. So first, list five things you can see. Anything."
Meredith's gaze darts around the room, her breathing still rapid. "Um, the-the pillows, the fish tank, y-your desk, um the carpet, and...you. Do you count?"
"Yes, I count. Now, list four things you can touch."
"T-The couch, my hair, my clothes, the wood of the-the table."
"Three things you can hear."
"Uhhh, people outside, shouting and moving. The fish tank filter buzzing, and um, breathing, both of us breathing."
"Two things you can smell."
"Hospital, the sterile environment, and coffee, it's on your desk."
"One thing you can taste."
"Does my saliva count?"
"Sure. How do you feel now?"
"A lot better, actually," Meredith takes a deep breath, feeling her heart rate and blood pressure return to normal. "Wow."
"That is the five-four-three-two-one method. If you ever feel like things are going out of control, you can't breathe, you're terrified, anything that could be the beginning of a panic attack or flashback, you do that. It will bring you back to the moment, keep you grounded and centered." Dr. Wyatt explains. Meredith nods along, shocked that it actually worked.
"So...I told you my thoughts. What now?"
"You want me to tell you what I think?" Katharine raises a brow, and Meredith nods."I think you have every right to feel everything you're feeling right now. Guilty, sad, angry, happy, whatever. You're not selfish for putting yourself first, not one bit. In fact, I congratulate you on thinking about your own needs. You're afraid, Meredith, which is completely understandable, and you can go multiple different ways here."
"People say everyone is afraid to be a mother until their baby is in their arms, then all you'll feel is love," Meredith whispers.
"That may be true. Maybe you can love this child with everything you have. But what also may be true is that you can't handle holding another person's life in your hands right now. Did you ever take the Zoloft I prescribed you?"
Meredith's gaze drops, guilty. "No..."
"Well, there's something. You're not taking care of yourself," Katharine sighs, then changes tactics. "I'm going to ask you a question. Don't think, just answer. The first thing that comes to mind, no matter what it is. Okay? Do you want to have a baby right now?"
"No," Meredith admits, so quietly Katharine isn't sure if she heard her correctly.
"You have your answer."