Chapter 5: From the Snowy Depths of Winter

Day 3

The journey was cold and quiet as Kirito and the others marched on in silence. He had insisted they begin at dawn, even as the winds were bitter and unforgiving, even as he had to painfully drag Asuna away from Rika's grave - for if he had stayed, he may not be able to leave. Fortunately, his friends understood, pushing on despite the obvious lack of sleep, unable to bring themselves to be in the mood for anything else amidst their grief.

Somehow, the sled seemed that much emptier with Alice's lone figure, yet also that much heavier on his aching shoulders, his leaden feet sinking deep into the icy snow. He found himself calling for frequent breaks, if only to compose himself and regain his strength, not that anyone had the stamina to protest or complain. Keiko, Yui and Iroha fell to the ground at every opportunity, the latter two still weak from their injuries, and even Suguha, Shino and Komachi were starting to crack under their own resolve, panting to catch their breaths at each turn.

Everyone's at their limits, Hachiman thought aloud as he rubbed his blistered feet, the inhospitable frost and constant exertion having taken its toll. At least he did not have to carry Yukino whenever she needed to relieve herself - that was on Komachi, Iroha and Yui, and it was certainly a task that was more difficult that it appeared when the girls were barely able to hold their own.

In the speechless silence, darkness came quicker than expected as an obscure white fog loomed in the horizon, frigid temperatures plunging by the minute. A sense of doom and dread fell over the group as the storm gathered and became a blizzard, and it was only out of sheer luck that Kirito and Shino found yet another cave to shelter in, where a fire was hurriedly set with one less person to huddle around the trembling flame.

Dinner was hastily consumed, and amidst the incessant echoes of howling gusts, Komachi volunteered the Service Club to take on nightguard duties, with each member assuming a shift of two hours to allow the worn-out Kirito and his fatigued party to rest the day off. Everyone agreed, or rather, none disagreed, and as Kirito and his friends bowed in deep, sincere gratitude, Hachiman sat at attention to begin his watch, only to be joined by a certain pink-haired airhead.

"Yui," he sighed as she inched closer, "Shouldn't you be resting now?"

"I-I just thought to keep you company," she stammered, turning a little red, "It's a little cold and lonely watching everyone sleep, isn't it?"

Not for me, I'm a loner and all I need is my MAXX coffee, he almost replied, but stopped himself before he did.

"You're the cold and lonely one, aren't you?" he muttered, offering the loose end of his scarf, "If you don't mind sharing."

Blushing, she bowed in thanks and wrapped it over her quivering neck, snuggling in the warmth.

"All this snow - it just feels like that time, after our trip to the aquarium, the three of us–"

"Many things have happened since then, Yui," he interrupted, not wanting to be reminded of the nostalgia.

"I-I guess some things have stayed the same too," came the reply as she bit her lip, unsure of her words, "And I'm glad that we're still together, the three of us, even if I've lost an eye in that terrible disaster, even if Yukinon is–"

"She's fine," he assured, "She's probably just a little tired being dragged along for hours. I guess it's really harder than it looks being bumped around on a makeshift sled."

Though she certainly hasn't been eating much, he thought, but decided not to say so.

"I-I don't know, Hikki, was it something I did? I hope she isn't avoiding us, or me," she stammered, staring dejectedly at the floor, "It just feels so different without her around when she's just sleeping all day. Even if it's just the two of us, it somehow feels a little…lonely."

"I see," was all he could utter, unable to bring himself to disagree. Somehow, the silence was awkward and lacking, as if it was missing something, or someone. He may be a loner with poor communication skills, but he cared, if only for that other loner, and while he had relented to her tacit insistence on giving her some personal space to deal with the pain and trauma herself, she had indeed been unusually quiet and withdrawn for the past two days, and he was feeling her absence.

"Let's check on her, shall we?" they found themselves saying at the same time, turning to face each other before looking away in embarrassment, having forgotten that they were sharing a scarf.

"Sorry, Hikki," she spluttered, hurriedly returning the piece of fabric.

"Let's just go," he breathed, crawling to his feet and turning on his flashlight, "She's just around the corner."

With that, they proceeded towards the semi-secluded spot where she had requested to be, away from the rest of the group, apparently not used to sleeping in the presence of others, not that she had seemed to mind while he was dragging her along in the sled. Nonetheless, he had not been comfortable with her being too far off from the fire, thus it was the best compromise that they had managed to settle on.

In the partial darkness, the pale, dim light reflected off a puddle of glistening red liquid, and he quickened his steps, only to find her fumbling with a half-empty bottle of pills which had spilled onto the floor. Crying in frustration and agony, she crawled out of the sled to retrieve them, packets of uneaten aircraft snacks falling out of her pocket as she did.

"Yukinon?" Yui managed to whimper, her face pale with absolute shock and horror.

For a moment, she tensed, freezing in the deafening quiet, only to force a smile as she wiped the blood from her lips.

"I'm fine, Yui," she breathed, "Just let me be for a while, okay? It'll be over soon enough."

"How are you fine?" the airhead almost exploded, rushing forward to pick up the snacks from the ground.

"I don't need that, Yuigahama-san," she hissed, slapping her hand away as she continued to search for the pills, "All I need is some medicine and I'll be good again."

"You've got to eat, please!" Yui tried again, more desperately this time, only to be pushed back once more.

"I'm not your dog Sable, don't you dare feed me," she snarled, seething in rage and self-hatred, "I know I'm a damned burden holding everyone back but I really don't need your pity."

The pink-haired airhead finally stopped, mortified, more heartbroken at her condition than her words of anger.

"Sorry," she muttered in the cold silence, "Just leave me alone if you don't want to be hurt again."

"Yukino, stop!" he shouted, grabbing the arms that was still trying to find the pills, only to be stunned by how thin and weak and fragile she felt in his hands, as if she would break into a thousand pieces the moment he let go.

For a long while, he stared at the tears welling in her eyes as he could barely hold in his own, unable to find the words.

"I love you, Yukino," he finally said, "Please live on for yourself and for me."

"Hikigaya-kun," she replied, averting her gaze, "Take care of Yui. She probably loves you as much as I do."

"W-What are you saying, Yukinon!"

"Am I wrong, Yuigahama-san? Be honest for once and tell me if I am."

"T-This is so cruel and unfair," Yui sobbed, tears streaming down her face, "H-How can I be so selfish and horrible to my best friend?"

"Just take good care of Hachiman for me, will you?" she laughed ruefully, "Even if he's a loner who can't help himself, I'm sure the both of you can work something out together."

"I-I don't want this, Yukinon! Why can't the three of us–"

"Just promise me you won't name your daughter Yukino, that would be a little creepy," she chuckled before apologising for her sad attempt at a joke, "Nah, who am I to say anyway? Just do whatever you want. I-I don't really care."

Sighing, she crawled back to her sled, giving up on the pills to settle comfortably under her blanket. In the serene quiet, Hachiman and Yui could only stare on, unsure of what to think or do or say as pent-up tears streamed down her cheeks.

"Stop looking at me with those dead-fish eyes, you're making this much harder than it already is."

"Yukino, I–"

"I don't want to die, I want to live so badly that it hurts!" she cried with all her breath, "There are so many things I want to do - to love you, take care of you, cherish you, grow old with you, not just simply hand you over to Yui. I really hate this. I've tried so hard to do everything right, yet it seems to be all for nothing."

"Yukino, you've done so much for us and for me," was all he could say as he clutched the pain in his chest, "You've done everything and so much more."

"Hikigaya-kun," she found herself mumbling, "If you had the chance to rewind time and redo the past, would you?"

The silence seemed to drag on for years as he struggled with the answer, memories from the unexpected beginning to the seemingly inevitable end flashing past his torn mind until he could hold it in no longer.

"I-I don't know, Yukino. In that timeline, would I be able to meet you? Would I be able to fall in love with you again? Would we be able to be together for years and years and years until we–"

"We did our very best, didn't we, Hachiman?" she exhaled, reaching out to grasp his hands. The past forty-eight hours had been the longest, most excruciating moments of her life, and she had felt and lived through every second of it, alone and away from everyone like the loner she was. But now, even as he was by her side, she was just so very tired, too exhausted to feel the pain, and as much as she was afraid of the impending darkness, it was tranquil and alluring, and it was peaceful.

Would they be sad? Would he miss her? Was it selfish and horrible for her to hope that he would, if only a little, if only for a while, even if she may not deserve it for all the trouble that she had caused?

Don't wallow for too long, Hikigaya-kun, you're a loner after all, just like me.

And you have Yui too, by your side.

Sometime in the serene silence, the storm had stopped, the beautiful frost reminding her of a white Christmas that had come early. Letting go was not something that she had wanted to do, but as her breath slowed, she found herself helplessly immersed in the scene, the soft hum of a song seemingly from another world blowing gently in the wind.

Perhaps this was her destiny after all, written in her name, to be buried on a hill, under the snow.

And as she let the darkness, no, life take over for once, her fingers numb and relaxed, no longer feeling the warmth of his arm, she smiled, contented, for the first and last time in forever, uttering the last words that she wanted to tell him.

Arigatou. Sayonara.

Thank you and goodbye.

Hachiman felt her hands grow limp, and wanted to stop her, to hold her back, to pull her back, just as how he had dragged her in a sled in the final days of her life. Yet he froze when he saw the satisfied smile on her lips, as she uttered the two words which he would never forget.

He let Yui break down on his shoulder as he knelt, heaving with no more tears left to cry. Yukino's pulse disappeared in his grip, and he let go, unable to move or think or breathe in the ensuing quiet. Stricken with grief, he remained catatonic even as his little sister shook him to wake him up from his stupor, as Iroha dragged the sled out of the cave, screaming at the top of her lungs for Yukino to hang in there until she collapsed a good ten minutes later, gasping in exhaustion.

By this time, everyone had long been jolted awake, watching in hushed sympathy as Komachi ran to get Iroha, only to be slapped and pushed away, the former student council president having completely lost her wits.

"This is my fault, isn't it, for inviting all of you to come on this cursed trip!" she cried, slapping herself in the bitter cold, "If I'd just thrown away those bloody tickets, nobody would've died."

"Stop, Iroha-senpai," Komachi fell to her knees, tears streaming down her cheeks, "You're making me feel terrible. I must be the worst President in the Service Club's history for having a member die in my care."

"Iroha, Komachi," a voice croaked as Hachiman spoke up, shaking with anguish, "It's on me. I-I failed her as her boyfriend, if I even deserve to call myself that. She was hiding her pain from us all this while, if only I was more observant–"

"Could you have done anything even if you were, Hikki?" Yui screeched, stunning everyone, "Stop blaming yourself when you've tried your best!

"Yui–"

"Yukino did her very best too. And she wouldn't want to hear us blaming ourselves when it'll just make her feel horrible for not trying hard enough!"

"Yui, sorry, I–"

"We'll just have to live and fight on - all of us, so that we can remember her struggle to the very end."

"Thank you," was all he could muster as he pulled her into a tight embrace, "If only she could hear what you just said, I'm sure she would be very proud."

In the quiet aftermath, the group shuffled to work, digging their second and hopefully their last grave in just under twenty-four hours, a much-dreaded operation that nobody would ever want to relive. Progress was nonetheless a little quicker with prior experience, though it still took a good two hours before they were satisfied with the size and depth, leaving them with some time before dawn. Hachiman suggested that they bury her at first light, and together they draped some blankets over the crudely-dug hole before returning to wait inside.

In the mournful silence, the members of the Service Club gathered around the sled, kneeling in solemn respect and remembrance until Yui suggested that they try talking to her instead. Thus, they took turns telling her stories, reminiscing the bittersweet past and the bygone days, and for a moment, amidst the lively chatter, Hachiman felt as if he had returned to the familiar clubroom, not as the awkward loner that he was when they had first crossed paths, but as a friend, a senpai, a lover, a brother to the not one or two but four members seated inside.

Dead-Fish Eyes. Hikigaya-kun. Hachiman.

He could almost see her at her favourite spot beside the window, greeting him without looking up from her book.

Hikigaya-kun, I love you.

He could almost hear her shy, gentle confession, hiding her face in embarrassment.

And as the girls continued to chat and banter, he found himself revisiting the melancholy and nostalgia in all its grief and glory, laughing at the memories of the fun times until they found themselves crying at the end of it all in the empty silence without her voice.

The first rays of dawn came faster than expected, time having passed quickly during the pretend-clubroom session, and the chatter picked up once more, as if everyone suddenly had a lot more words to say. Kirito and the others waited patiently from a distance, not that they would ever be able to finish, until Komachi stood up to announce that club activities were over for the day, and that it was time for everyone to go home.

"Yukino-senpai, it's time for you to go home too," she declared, choking back her tears as she bowed in sincere gratitude and apology, "Hachiman onii-chan can help you if you can't walk. Thank you for coming today, we'll see you next time."

"Sorry, Yukino, I really wanted to carry you when I was ready - not like this, not like this at all," he whispered to himself as he lifted her stiff, lifeless figure from the sled that had been her prison for the past forty-eight hours, surprised by the numbing iciness of her skin on his fingertips that contrasted so greatly with the warmth he had once felt.

Gritting his teeth, he inched forward, her head hanging limply in his arms. She felt so light even as his footsteps were so heavy, and the short journey to the altar, no, grave appeared to drag on for years, decades which he had wanted to spend with her before laying her to rest.

Don't catch a cold, Yukino, he almost said out of habit as he draped a blanket over her for the last time, her long, dark hair turning white in the falling snow, ageing finely as he had always thought she would. Komachi and Iroha joined him, sealing the surface with stones as Yui planted a snow-cone, burying it snugly in the soil before hammering a wooden plaque, on which they had carved–

"Spring blooms from the depths of Winter"

With that, they finally turned to leave. Nature would take over, and as great trees sprout from bitter winters, from under the snow, a truly magnificent pine would grow above the rest.

"Yukino," he smiled as he whispered into the wind, "Thank you and goodbye."

A/N: Chapter title inspired by Oregairu, which I think ties in nicely with both Yukino and Sachi who share the same VA. Yukinoshita translates to 'under the snow' in Japanese.

On a side note, she also voices Shiba Miyuki (kanji for 'snow' and with ice-based powers) from The Irregular at Magic High School, which is published by the same company as SAO (with crossovers within the Dengeki game-verse).

With this, we've come to the middle of the first arc (Chapter 3 to 7). The two most seriously injured characters from the crash have passed, which is unsurprising in a situation without medical assistance (which is sad, because I do like Yukino), though it also means that there won't be any more deaths for a while at least - I promise.