Chapter 13: Imperfect Love
Day 10 - Night
Yui stared at the mirror, glancing at her reflection. She had found the bathroom that was serviced by an enclosed water tank, protected from radioactive contamination, and it was certainly a pleasant surprise for her friends who had gone for days without a bath. Hachiman had volunteered to be the first to test the shower, and she was glad to see his sullen face brighten a little, at least for a moment, having washed the tears from his eyes and cheeks.
Now here she was, naked in front of the glass, staring at her face that was missing an eye and an ear, and in the cold darkness that had to be illuminated with candles and flashlights, she could not help but feel depressed, overcome by a growing sense of self-doubt and inadequacy, even if she knew that it was an insult to those who had lost so much more.
All I've been is a trouble and a burden to everyone.
Why am I even here when Yukinon, Iroha-chan and Komachi-chan are dead? What have I ever done to deserve the privilege of being alive? Why me? Why Yuigahama Yui?
Pounding her fist in frustration and self-hatred, she looked away, unable to find the answers in the silence. She was certainly not the same Yui that was two weeks ago, the one who had died in the plane crash, buried in the snow. Would he even come to accept the new her, much less love her the same way she loved him?
It's okay if you can't, Hikki, she thought as she doused her head in cold water, I just hope you don't hate me the same way I'm starting to hate myself.
A knock on the door startled her, and she jumped back, hands covering her chest, only for a familiar voice to ask if she was alright.
"I-I'm fine, Hikki," she stammered as she rushed to dry herself, pulling on her shirt the wrong way and nearly tripping over her underwear in her haste. Hurrying out the door, she nearly crashed into him, not expecting him to be on the other side.
"T-Took you long enough," he spluttered, averting his eyes from her exposed thighs, "I hope you didn't waste any water."
"O-Of course I didn't!" she huffed, blushing hard as she pulled down her shirt to cover herself, "Did you need to use the bathroom? Were you waiting for me?"
"I-I really didn't expect you to come out looking like this," he apologised, backing away in awkwardness and embarrassment, "I-I just wanted to talk to you about something."
"We can talk in the room," she giggled sheepishly, happy that he was being forward with her, having avoided her for days, "It's a little chilly here, I forgot to bring a fresh pair of pants with me into the shower."
"Just let me know when you're ready–" he protested, but was cut short as she grabbed his arm to lead him to the room that they were supposed to share for the night. He had wanted to sleep on the couch, but she had insisted otherwise, and he could not find it in himself to turn down the offer.
"I'm ready when you are, Hikki," she declared, inhaling deeply to calm herself before shutting the door behind her, "What's it that you wanted to tell me?"
In the speechless quiet, he hesitated, opening his mouth and closing it again as he struggled to find the words.
"Yui," he finally said, "I-I love you. Let's be a couple, just like what Yukino had suggested."
"Huh?" she could not help but exclaim, hands falling to her sides in disbelief.
"Yukino, Iroha, and now Komachi - they're all dead," he explained, his expression sombre, voice quivering with emotion, "We're the only ones left. I'll take care of you, and we'll take care of each other, just like what Yuki–"
He did not expect the tight slap across his face. Stunned, he looked up in shock and confusion as she fumed with tears in her eyes, deeply hurt by his confession.
"I'm sorry, Yui," he managed to stutter after a long moment of silence, "I-I thought Yukino said that you loved me. It seems that I may have misunderstood."
"I do!" she exploded, unable to restrain herself any longer, "I really do. But do you, Hikigaya Hachiman? Do you really love me?"
"Yui, I–"
"I don't want you to love me just because you can't get over Yukino, or Iroha, or Komachi. I'm sorry I can't replace her or them and I really can't bring myself to. I know I'm selfish, useless and ugly, but I really want you to love me because you do, Hikki, not out of pity or sympathy, not because there isn't anyone else for you to love, and not because someone else asked you to take care of me!"
"I love you, Hikki, and it hurts when you tell me that you love me when you really don't."
For a good twenty seconds, he froze, unsure of what to do or say but to let out the words from his chest.
"I'm sorry, Yui, I really don't know. We've always been together, the three of us, even after Yukino and I became a couple. Now that we're the only ones left, I'm torn on how to deal with this, on how to deal with you."
"I've been thinking, what does love even mean? Is it the pursuit of an ideal to the ends of the earth, even if we may never attain what we seek? Is it letting go of what we can no longer reach, to sacrifice for the happiness of another? Or is it the harsh but realistic acceptance that what we want may not be what we get, and that the efforts to make the best of what we have is no less sacred or valid as a romance of undying idealism and selfless sacrifice?"
"If you really must know, and this is going to sound absolutely horrible to the both of you - but I've always had something for you, Yui, even if I ultimately chose to be with her. Is it wrong for these feelings to return after she's gone? Is it wrong to go back on a decision that we'd made, if it's going to make us happy? And is it wrong to want to love and care for you, even if all the other factors that you've mentioned have undoubtedly influenced me?"
"Sorry, but this is the best answer I can give for now. Whatever it is, my feelings for you are real, Yui, and we may be able to work something out of this together."
A long silence settled in as they stared at each other. Minutes passed like years until she decided to speak, blushing hard in the pale moonlight and the gentle breeze.
"I-I guess we'll just have to try," she breathed, her voice barely a whisper, "Otherwise we'll never know for sure."
Mustering her courage, she closed her eyes and leaned forward, meeting his lips with hers. Surprised, he froze for a second, only to kiss back, the soft sensation of her lips melting in the warmth.
"That was my first, Hikki," she panted, catching her breath, "How did it feel? W-Was it as good as hers?"
"I-I don't know, Yui," he admitted, pulling her in for another round, "But a few more times and we'd really be in unchartered territory."
She could feel her pulse quickening at his reply, her chest pounding hard through the thin fabric of her shirt. They were moving past Yukino's footsteps, yet the prospect of going even further made her quiver in forbidden excitement.
Guilt and shame accompanied her wandering thoughts, telling her that she was useless and ugly, that she was the absolute worst of friends to Yukino, Iroha and Komachi, but as his breath continued to tickle her cheek and her neck, the walls of resistance collapsed, and she let her instincts take over, no longer able to hold in the anticipation welling inside her.
She pulled him closer, guiding his hands under her shirt, indulging in the sensation of his warm fingers on her skin. Butterflies fluttered across her belly, and she drew in a deep breath with the growing thrill. How much further could they go? She had no idea, and the uncertainty was more than a little scary, but it was strangely exhilarating, and she had no intention of stopping.
Before she knew it, her shirt had fallen to the floor, her chest heaving in front of him as if it was the most natural thing in the world. She fumbled with his buttons, reaching in to feel his heartbeat which was thumping as wildly as hers, and she let him push her gently onto the bed, where she sank deep into the soft mattress, clad in her underwear, immersed in the waves of pleasure washing over her body, drowning in the tides tingling her spine–
You'll have to stop me, Hikki. I can't hold myself back.
She let her imagination bring her to the end of the world and beyond before realizing that he had stopped. She opened her eyes to see him sitting at the edge of the bed, gazing at her, beads of sweat glistening in the faint glow of the oil lamp.
"Why, Hikki?" she asked, surprised and confused as he tucked her under a warm blanket, "What happened?"
"N-Nothing, Yui," he muttered sheepishly, exhaling to calm himself, "It was good but I really don't think we should–"
"I'm sorry, Hikki," she cried, instinctively hiding her wounds and her scars behind her hair, "Is it because I'm ug–"
"Please don't ever use that word to describe yourself!" he cut her short, combing the strands aside, "I don't care about that, Yui. I'm just glad that your injuries are healing well, that's all that matters to me."
In the ensuing quiet, they stared at each other, blushing deeply. This wasn't the love that they wanted, but it was the love that they had. Perhaps it was a teenage romantic comedy that was wrong as expected, but it was one that could work given enough time and effort.
"Can we sleep like this?" she pleaded, snuggling beside him, making no effort to retrieve her shirt and pants from the floor.
"As long as you don't catch a cold," he laughed, climbing into the sheets beside her, "Though I can hug you just to make sure."
"You're funny, Hikki," she giggled, "Thanks for stopping me. I know it's our duty as survivors to repopulate the planet, b-but I really don't think we're ready to–"
"Now you're the funny one."
"Say, Hikki, is this what Yukinon would've wanted when she asked us to take care of each other? D-Did we go a little overboard without her?"
"I don't know, Yui, is this what you want?"
"Of course!" she declared without a shred of doubt or hesitation, "But I miss her so, so much. I know this sounds really weird, but I wish she could be here, the three of us, together. It's just a little lonely without her."
"I don't know if she'd agree to that," he chuckled, a hint of ruefulness in his mirth, "But I guess we can close our eyes and dream about it."
"Hikki!" she pouted, only to realize how tired she truly was. Smiling for the first time in days, she let herself drift off to the steady rhythm of his heartbeat.
"Sugu, it's been years since we last bathed together when we were kids," Kirito pointed out for the third time as his little sister continued to pester him with unwavering persistence.
"B-But it's d-dark inside and I-I'm s-scared," she squeaked in a tone that was a little too deliberate, "Please, onii-chan, I can't scrub my back properly without some help. It's beginning to itch."
He sighed, tired of repeating the same line. Sugu had always been a handful, but she was being unusually petulant. Perhaps he should agree, if only to pull a prank or two to teach her a lesson.
"Just this once," he sighed, scratching his cheek in embarrassment, "But I'll shower only when you're done."
She bowed as if to thank him before turning around to peel off her shirt. Kirito looked away, taking the chance to hide behind a corner to strip out of his sweaty clothes. Draping a towel around his waist, he re-emerged to see her seated on a wooden stool, humming in anticipation.
"Sugu," he began, drawing a deep breath to calm himself as he walked towards her to grab the showerhead. Too embarrassed to look at her directly, he turned the tap from an awkward angle, only to jump in surprise as she yelped and squealed under the freezing spray.
"Sorry!" he quickly apologised, though barely able to hold in his laughter as he was reminded of her weakness to cold water.
"Kazuto!" she snarled, turning around to confront him, forgetting amidst her annoyance that she was no longer wearing her clothes which lay in a crumpled heap on the floor. She stopped only when she saw the bright shade of crimson on his cheeks, wailing in surprise as she covered herself with her hands.
In the speechless silence, Kirito struggled to forget the sight of her toned body, curvy chest and shapely thighs - but the scene had somehow burned itself into his memory.
Kirigaya Suguha, his little sister, his first cousin, his closest relative, had grown into a young woman whom he could barely recognise in the years that he had avoided her and kept his distance.
At this point, he wanted to leap out of the nearest window, to escape the unbearable awkwardness, but he had also seen the wounds and the scars across her limbs and torso, and the angry rash that had riddled her back. And for a moment, he felt a pang of guilt and shame welling in his heart for doubting her motives and belittling her pain, and for unintentionally making fun of a trauma that may have had deeper roots from the time she had fallen into the pond in the backyard. The claustrophobic sensation of murky water surrounding her as she drowned and suffocated must have been absolutely terrifying, which may have been why she had been scared of the cold and dark bathroom in the first place.
He should really stop pulling that stupid prank on his little sister, forever.
"Sorry, Sugu," he bowed with renewed resolve, "Let's do this again, if you don't mind."
She nodded, blushing in the pale moonlight. Carefully, he turned the tap once more, slowly this time, and she bit down hard on her lips to hold in the cries of discomfort welling in her chest, determined not to chicken out when her brother was giving his best. His hands washed gently over her back, the warmth an island within the cold, foamy sea as he caressed the scars and the rash that had lined her skin from days of endless fighting and arduous trekking.
She found herself coughing and shuddering when he was done, and she shakily took over the shower-head while he watched on, not in shyness of seeing a girl bathe, but with genuine concern for a beloved sibling. A familiar pain gripped her heart when she saw the focused expression on his face, and she clenched her fists, looking away as she prepared to spill the emotions that had been bottled up for the past many years and days.
"Onii-chan, I mean, K-Kazuto. Sorry for being so pushy. I just thought that this may be the last time that we could do this together. God knows if we'd even live to see another shower again."
"I love you, Kazuto," she continued before he could interrupt, "Always have and always will. Not as your little sister but as a girl. I–"
"Sugu, I know, I really do," he cut her short, replying with equal seriousness and sincerity, "I love you too. Even if I have to go to the ends of the earth, climb the tallest mountain or cross the deepest valley, you'll always be my one and only sister."
"Cousin," she corrected, even though the word felt strangely hollow and alien, "We're cousins, Kazuto, and we can be together as a couple."
Silence ensued as he struggled to find the words.
"I-I really don't know if we can," he sighed, "I know I've been a horrible coward of a brother for avoiding you for so long, because I didn't know how to deal with the fact that I was adopted. But I've come to accept that, and I've come to embrace you as my little sister, Sugu. I don't think we can ever go back, or be anything else."
"Not even if I try my very best?" she challenged, turning around to face him and show her intent, "Not even if I'm willing to do whatever it takes, to be whoever you want me to be, to wait for however long you need to love me back?"
"Sugu, you're already the best. You're special to me, and no other girl in the world - be it Rika, Asuna, Keiko or Shino - can ever take your place in my heart as my little sister."
"I don't want to be your imouto," she retorted, tears of anger and frustration streaming down her cheeks, "I hate this, Kazuto, it's absolutely the worst feeling in the world to have something I really want, that is so close by, that I can never reach. And yet it's a cruel fact that I can never change, no matter how hard I try. Why can't I just be your childhood friend, your classmate, or even your cousin?"
"I don't know, Sugu, maybe it's just not meant to be, but I promise you that we'll deal with this together."
"Just leave me alone," she snapped, pulling on her towel and slamming the door behind her.
In the deafening quiet, he sat alone on the stool, cold water running down his hair and his face. I hate this too, he muttered as the faint sobs outside grew softer. Everyone was dead, he had failed, but above all, he had failed her - his beloved little sister and the last surviving member of his party, other than himself and Alice, that is.
Alice. The last sliver of hope. The last spark of light in the unending darkness.
It's time to wake up.
A/N: With this, we conclude the second arc, with Hachiman and Yui deciding to compromise and cherish the present, while Kirito and his little sister have yet-unresolved issues to iron out.
We move on to the third arc from Chapter 14 to Chapter 19, which will be more action-oriented than the first two arcs.
P/S: On another note, this chapter is somehow the least-read, so if you're reading this, thank you for your support! Feel free to review, your feedback is highly appreciated - I'd be really interested to know your thoughts and comments.
This is my first fan-fic ever, and I certainly look forward to understanding the community and reader experience to improve in the future.