A Time to Look Back
It had been a hot start to the day, the sun high in the sky and as Mary flicked through her notebook it occurred to her, that she hadn't seen Will for a couple of hours. She jumped up, brushing the crumbs from her biscuit off her jeans and went looking for him. She found him eventually packing his back pack, he looked up as she entered the kitchen an absent-minded smile on his face.
"I was coming to find you, I'm just off for a walk." He explained, throwing his bag onto his back.
"Oh, do you want some company?" Mary asked, ready to spring for her jacket. She noticed his hesitation, "or would you prefer your own company?"
Will looked away, as if finding it awkward to answer this particular question.
"Do you mind if I go alone?" he asked, a look of concern on his face.
"No, of course not. You are free to do what you want, haven't I always said that?" Mary smiled.
"Thank you. I will be back in a couple of hours. We can catch up then." Will said, moving towards the door, Kirjava brushing his leg. He looked back before going through it and gave a brief wave.
As the door shut, a sudden thought came into Mary's head. It was mid-summer's day today she realised and went back to the table and picked up her diary. It was one of those five years diaries, which her sister had brought for her birthday one year. Mary had never been a big fan of them before, but since returning to her world, she found she had changed in certain ways. So having received it she decided to make use of it.
There was also of course the fact that Will was now living with her. It was the third year that he had been with her, and she felt things were beginning to change between them. To begin with, it had been hard to get much out of him, and she didn't feel it was right for her to pressure him for details. She would tell him about her time with the mulefa and about taking Angelica and Paola back to their family. He in turn, would tell her bits and pieces of his and Lyra's adventures. But she always felt he was holding a lot back. She understood what it was like to be a teenager when feelings developed and the awkwardness that accompanied them. She also realised that she wasn't his mother, so it could be that which made him hesitate. All she could do was be there for him when he needed some support.
As she sat down at the table and took another biscuit, she opened the diary and thumbed her way through the pages. She came to last year's mid-summer day and sure enough the words on the page confirmed her suspicion. She realised that this day was a significant date for Will, but why she wondered? She tried to remember the day they returned to their world. It wasn't on that day that much she knew. As she thought back, a sudden image of Atal came into her mind. For an intense moment she longed to be back in the land of the mulefa. It had been such an incredible time for her, to have the privilege of living with this amazing community of creatures. She had learnt so much from them, had gained such a volume of valuable information as well. But more than any of that, it had taught her to make the most of the simple things in life. This brought her back to Will.
The poor boy had such an awful start in life, even before he was wrenched away from Lyra. She was aware that his mother was still receiving some treatment, though she now appeared to be making some progress. She did wonder whether Elaine would ever be well enough to come out of the clinic and live with Will again? She knew he still missed not having her around and though she did her best to be there for him, she wondered if she was doing enough? She had always assumed that Will preferred to deal with his mother alone, but now she wondered if that was the case? Was this the reason why sometimes he seemed isolated or downbeat she asked herself. Or was there something about this day in particular that was special? Maybe Will and his mum had celebrated the day in some way? She suddenly felt angry that it had not occurred to her before to ask the question.
At times she wondered whether this was down to her not having children of her own. She wondered if being a parent made you recognise certain signs of behaviour? Or was she just being the typical scientist over thinking everything? She grimaced at her own puzzled thought process; she was so used to being able to look at things in an analytical manner but sometimes she realised it wasn't enough. Either way she knew she had to try and broach the subject with him.
Then something else came into her mind. Could it be something which had happened in his adventure with Lyra? That was another possibility. She had often tried to get him speaking about his and Lyra's adventures, but it was not easy. She sighed, her mind suddenly in a vacuum. She decided to get a coffee to see if that would help her. She looked over at her where her dæmon, Malon sat, preening his black feathers meticulously.
"Am I being foolish about this, Malon?" she said, looking over to him. In truth, she was still getting used to having a dæmon, but in moments like these found it a mercy. Before, she would keep things to herself but now at least she could consider things which concerned her. Even if she didn't always like the answer, he gave her.
"You cannot force him, to tell you Mary. Sometimes you have to be patient. If he wants to talk, he will do,"
She thought about his answer and realised after a few minutes that he was right. She would do more damage by pressuring him, if she had to play the long game, she would she decided.
She went back to the table where her books were scattered around. She was in a new study about dark matter and was using her experiences based on what she'd found out from the mulefa. Being unable to write anything she decided to take a quick break. She went into the kitchen making a pot of coffee and decided to attempt a couple of hours of work. As she settled down again, she pictured the land of the mulefa and saw Atal once again and before she knew it, she was writing furiously away. On days like these she could almost feel as if she was back there. She had never forgotten the smell of the place, or the uniqueness of the landscape. The trees she had studied minutely, the way the creatures lived as a community. There was so much the modern world could learn from them, she mused.
She couldn't get over how some people she met were pre-occupied with matters that were trivial. At times, she longed for the power of showing people the ways of the world she had been privileged to see for herself. But then she remembered how people could so easily mess with the wonders of her own planet, and suspected it was for the best that the mulefa were lucky to be isolated from her own world. But in the mean time she thought, I will write down everything I can remember from my time with them. That for now would have to do. She looked at the clock and noticed an hour had almost already slipped by. She began furiously writing.
A couple of hours later as promised, Will returned. His face looked flushed to Mary as if he'd been emotional. She smiled at him, as she stirred the stew in the pan.
"That smells lovely," Will said, taking his jacket off and sitting down.
"I thought it had been a while since having this, I know you enjoy it," Mary smiled.
"It was the first meal you cooked me after returning here, do you remember?" Will replied, cuddling Kirjava as she jumped onto his lap.
"Oh yes, I do remember that now you mention it!" she laughed. "When I first moved over here from Ireland, I would often cook it. It seemed such a big world in the beginning for a young girl from a small town. I would suffer from chronic homesickness and this would be my therapy."
"Did it work for you?"
"In the end, you either adjust to something or you return home. As I began to meet people it became easier for me. I just needed friends to pull me out of my shyness."
Mary watched Will digest it, realising that making friends for him was still not easy. He had become so used to being on his own, that reaching out to other people seemed a massive undertaking for a still young boy. There was also of course, the forced parting from Lyra which brought her back to the present.
"Are you happy here now?" Will asked her.
"Yes, I would say so. I mean the odd occasion I have gone back home everything seems much smaller. Which is not a bad thing, but it just feels very different. In the end you adjust to the changes in life. I mean look at what we've both had to adjust too recently. Returning home after everything we've experienced in our own journeys." Mary noticed both Will and Kirjava looking at her instinctively and she knew she'd hit a chord.
Mary reached a decision. "Do you mind if I ask you something Will?"
"Yes, of course."
"You can tell me to mind my own business, if you want too. I will totally understand if you don't want to answer it."
"Answer what?" he asked, looking directly at her.
"I have the feeling there is something about today that means something special to you. "
There was a slight pause before he answered. "Can I ask how you found out?"
"Oh, it's taken quite a while for me to work it out. It's all down to the diary my sister brought me. I just noticed over the last few years, that you always seem to go out at the same time each midsummer's day and come back looking- "she searched for the right set of words, "Lost in thought,"
She watched as Will took in her words and seemed to immediately withdraw from her, but just as she prepared to accept it was too much for him to contend with, he spoke.
"You are right, there is something significant about this day."
Mary sat down opposite him wanting to give him support and all her attention. She could sense though that this was a challenge for him, so waited patiently for him to begin.
"You remember that visit we took to the Botanic Gardens that last day before we returned to our own world?"
Mary nodded seeing clearly even now the way Lyra had taken Will by the hand and led him forward. She and Serafina had wondered what it had been about.
"As if I could forget, Lyra seemed to be on a mission that day."
"Lyra took me to a bench the one over the bridge, she had one in exactly the same place in her own world. We agreed to meet each mid-summers day at midday and sit on our benches and for an hour we would be together, or as near as we can possibly get. We made a vow that wherever we were in our worlds we would do this each year."
Mary took his hand, feeling incredibly moved by him sharing the knowledge. "Oh Will, what a lovely idea that is. Does it help you to cope with the separation?"
She watched him consider her question carefully. She noticed every emotion that went through his eyes. It appeared to start off all hopeful, then briefly happy, before becoming emotional and ending almost distressed, not that he would fully break down. He never did, yet she could read his emotions clearly in those moments. Once again, she marvelled at how courageous he was and once again Serafina's words came back, about how the witches had almost a reverence towards him.
"Yes, in a way it does," he conceded, "But at the same time I have so many fears as well. The first year, I thought I would fall apart. I could sense her everywhere and I wanted to stay the whole day. I remember having to force myself to come back, as it felt as if I was living again. That must sound awful."
"No, no not awful at all, entirely natural considering the way you were forced apart I would say. The break up happened so suddenly after all. I know I still miss Atal and the rest of the mulefa. I often find myself looking back on those days and wishing I could return,"
"Every year I seem to have different emotions when I go back. Like this year, I felt a real fear about forgetting her."
"You have that one photograph, remember?" Mary pointed out.
"Yes, but that was three years ago now, she may look completely different. I long to know how she looks today, how she is in herself. Does she still struggle like I do from time to time? Has she managed to adjust back to her own world? I have so many questions and all I can do is ask them, knowing I will never have an answer to any of them."
"I am guessing that in spirit it will still be the same Lyra though. I also imagine she will have the same questions about you as well. If this helps you, continue to do it but at the same time don't allow it to stop you from living in the present. Also, remember you always have me to speak too about anything."
"One day, I will tell you about what happened maybe I can then come to terms with everything."
"When you are ready too, I will be here, I will make that promise to you right now."
"Thanks Mary." He replied, a smile at last on his face.
"Now, what about some dinner?"
They settled down and ate the stew in a comfortable silence, later on Will went up to bed early but looked a lot happier, than when he'd first come in. For now, Mary was satisfied. She knew that one day she would get the full story. Until then, she would just have to be patient. She grinned at Malon, as he turned his head, as ever his advice had proved to be accurate. The long game, it was.
End of part one.
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