Disclaimer: I do not own anything but this chapter is mine.
A/N: Hi everyone! Thank you for your patience in waiting for this story! I appreciate your support very much! I would like to apologize for not being able to update in a while but I promise you that, regardless of my very busy and strict schedule, I am still thinking about this story and how I should start the next chapter. I'm not going to keep you here any longer. Here's C19 of TGR.
Happy reading!
-A
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No one was able to know how much pain Ayuzawa Misaki has seen, how much torture she had undergone, and how many deaths she had witnessed.
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Nineteen:
Usui was waiting for me by the parking lot when I stumbled out of the building.
Like what Shizuko told me, he was sporting probably the darkest frown I've ever seen ever since I met him. He was standing right next to his big bike and is looking much deadlier and dangerous than the vehicle that I've once considered as a death contraption. I hesitated for a moment, feeling slightly guilty for what I've done earlier in the morning, and even considered running off in the opposite direction.
But aside from the fact that he's already seen me, I remembered Shizuko's threat that she'd kick me out of the dorms if I pulled up a stunt of escaping Usui Takumi.
Dammit.
He straightened his back when he saw me. But the expression on his face remained fifty shades darker. I wasn't the only one who's noticed the sour expression he's sporting as other students who were also on their way back to the dorms were giving him curious glances.
Ugh. I hate it when he goes ballistic on me.
He probably suspected that I had plans to run off because as soon as he spotted me making my merry way towards his direction, he locked his entire attention on me while still dripping with very obvious yet controlled anger and irritation.
I knew then and there that I wasn't going to be forgiven any time soon.
Even from such a distance, I can sense the tension coming off his skin. And it surprised me because he seemed very much affected by my earlier stunt this morning. Guilt was quick to eat me up from the inside and when I stood right in front of him, I winced mentally when he continued glaring at me as though he was ready to incinerate the living daylights out of me.
Ouch.
We just stood there staring at each other for a few more minutes before he grabbed his helmet and gave it to me. I stared at him helplessly. If this is his way of torturing me, he can just proceed with the kill.
And to my surprise, just when I expected that he'd forcefully push me on his big bike, Usui sighed instead. "When have I ever failed you, Ayuzawa?"
Well… points were made.
I got the helmet gingerly and put it on while he climbed into the bike. I was still uncomfortable sitting too close to him so I did my best to maintain whatever distance I could maintain to give myself ample space to breathe. But he once again surprised me when he grabbed one of my arms and pulled me closer to his back.
"I don't have to remind you to hold on to me, right?"
Ugh. Why must he be so seductive? Dammit.
Despite my internal conflict, I held on to him anyway; wrapping my arms around his waist—my fists coming into contact against his abs. Ugh. Weakness. He brought the engine to life and quickly maneuvered out of the parking lot; successfully ignoring the guards who eyed him for not wearing any helmet while riding this death contraption.
The cold December wind was biting against the exposed parts of my skin as Takumi drove out of the school property. Snow had been piling up wherever I looked as the background showed nothing but the dull color of white. Trying to get myself distracted was not an easy feat—especially when the person who I've been trying to avoid the most is right here in front of me driving me back to the dorms while also still being very much annoyed at me.
I wondered how we even got this far when we've always been in each other's throats the first time we met. And to suddenly end up as lovers? To suddenly end up being aware of each other's secrets? To suddenly share a fate as deadly as my curse?
It was unbelievable.
I let out a frustrated sigh as I pressed my face against his back. But then again, I was the one who was wearing the helmet so I really can't feel the heat coming off his skin being absorbed into my face.
Hence, I've decided to press my body closer to his back instead; trying to absorb as much warmth as I could since it was a very cold ride. And Takumi must have felt the tension and rigidity of my body because he had been quick to mold his back into the shape of my front to better accommodate what I didn't need to say.
It was supposed to be only a twenty-minute ride from the school property to the dormitories but we somehow managed to make it into ten. He was driving like a maniac that it was enough to give me a heart attack. He parked on his usual spot and as soon as it was safe to get off, I carefully jumped off the bike.
"Are you going to keep refusing me, Ayuzawa?"
I didn't have an answer to that. I didn't want to refuse him, of course, and he should probably know by now how much more I wanted from him. I have become an obsessed woman. And I'm starting to get afraid that I'm spiraling down the same path that Umekoji is currently spiraling. I'm not sure how long I can still suppress the strong urge to manipulate him but I'm quite aware that I'm almost at my breaking point.
But it's going to be now or never.
I've wanted nothing more than him being safe. And if him being safe means he needs to spend this lifetime with Umekoji… then I would never try to fight against that fate anymore—I would never again attempt to gain the upper hand.
Despite the helmet being a convenient tool to hide my expression, I took it off anyway and handed it to him. Takumi accepted it quietly and when I looked him in the eye, I panicked momentarily—afraid that I won't be able to say the words that I never really wanted to tell him. Instead, I snapped my eyes closed; trying to gain control of my emotions… and when I opened them… I was an indifferent woman.
And the way his eyes darkened, I knew that he had seen what I've finally decided on.
"We're done."
"And that is your final decision?"
I nodded. "I'm done playing this game with you and Umekoji." No, don't leave.
"And you won't ever change your mind?"
Don't leave me, please. "Yes."
He glared at me—really glared at me—and I momentarily panicked out of fear that he might have heard what I've been thinking; that he might have realized I've been lying through my teeth. And that if ever he did, I was afraid I'd feel much more relieved because that way, he wouldn't have to leave me… we wouldn't have to part… and that I'd eventually leave his safety to fate as long as we could be together.
Selfish monster.
We got into what seemed like the longest staring contest we've ever engaged in and when he nodded, both eyes and face dark, my heart sank deeper under my feet. I wanted to punch him for not struggling… for giving up too easily… but then again, I know that I'm at fault too—because I'm also giving up too easily… because I'm not struggling hard enough.
Selfish monster.
I didn't want to give up. I didn't want to give him to Umekoji. Despite the cruelty of our fates, I've always known that we have always belonged to each other—that we will always belong with each other. I wanted to gain the upper hand in this fight… even after knowing that this would most probably end up with one of us getting hurt.
Do not be a selfish monster.
I forced my feet to move—to walk away from him even if that's the last thing I wanted to do—and painfully made my way towards the dormitories. My footsteps and my entire body felt like lead as I walked away from him. And all the while, my mind was screaming at me to go back… to never give him up to Umekoji… to fight for him because that's what the rest of my ancestors did to achieve the ultimate happiness… the ultimate acceptance… the only way to break free from the curse.
Run, Takumi. Run.
No. Stay with me, Takumi. Please.
"Dammit, Ayuzawa."
I was stunned when Takumi's voice echoed right behind me as I quickly spun around to face him; momentarily startled when I realized that he's just right behind me. He grabbed me by the arm and literally dragged me back to the bike; nearly tossing me on the seat as he quickly climbed up. I scrambled into a proper seating position and clings onto him when he started the engine.
"T-Takumi, where the hell are you taking me?" I struggled to not scream at his ears as panic engulfed my entire system due to several reasons. He didn't give me the helmet, curfew is almost upon us and worst, I don't know where the hell he's going to take me. I wondered if this was an obsession—if he finally succumbed to the curse.
But one look on his face told me that he's still his normal self. And for that, I'm quite relieved.
He didn't answer and just quietly started the engine of his bike before speeding off. And if I hadn't been clinging onto his waist like a frickin' koala, I would have tumbled out of the bike and into the frozen ground. He sped off more than the normal speed and started driving into an unfamiliar road. Frozen trees and snow covered the majority of the road and just when I was about to give in to my anxiety—since he's taking me to an unknown place—there was a break in the seemingly unending trees and road and I recognized the path leading to the cabin that they showed me a few days ago.
He parked behind the cabin and as soon as it was quick to get off the bike, I jumped off the vehicle and consciously wrapped my arms around myself; trying my best to warm myself despite the biting cold.
He must have noticed that I was shivering violently because, as soon as he got off his bike, he removed his leather jacket and draped it over my shoulders. "Let's go."
"T-Takumi, what are we doing here?"
He stared at me for a minute, his expression as though he wasn't sure as well what we are doing here before he shrugged and lends out his hand. "Do you trust me?"
Dammit, of course, I trust him! There is no questioning that fact. Why he would even ask is beyond me. I glowered at him helplessly once again, still trying to maintain what's left of my walls, before finally accepting his waiting hand and allowing him to pull me inside the cabin.
It was very cold inside since it hasn't been occupied since the last time we came here. He walked towards the fireplace and started a fire so we could get warm inside. I closed the door behind me to prevent the cold and biting December wind from entering and walked up in front of the fire. Takumi emerged from one of the bedrooms with a duvet and a couple of blankets on hand and started laying one down on the floor.
"This should do."
Once again, I mentally panicked. We're not going to do something here, right? Because if yes, then God have mercy on me. "I-I still don't think it's a good idea to stay here, Takumi. I mean, it's a school night."
"I'm not going to talk to you in the middle of the cold, Ayuzawa," he says with a roll of his eyes. "Besides, I'm not going to come up to your dorm room as well with Hanazono and Kaga breathing through our necks. It's bad enough that Hanazono had such a loose mouth."
I was instantly on the offense as soon as he was done saying that. There's no way I will not defend Sakura—not after what she did for me. If she hadn't told me what she told me, I'd probably be in the dark forever about his and Umekoji's engagement. "Don't talk like that about Sakura. She's actually the only one who cares enough to tell me what she knows is going to hurt me."
"That's the reason why I didn't tell you. You might think that I probably have the lousiest reason but I didn't want to tell you something that I'm planning to get out of anyway."
I wanted to smack him right now, I really do. But I fought the strong urge to do so and when he pointed out the duvet, I removed my shoes and plopped down on the soft fabric. I flinched when he suddenly leaned forward and was quick to utter an apology when I realized that he only leaned forward so he could put the blanket over my shoulders.
He occupied the space in front of me; wrapping a blanket over him as well since it was very obvious that he's cold as well before exhaling. "I didn't want to hurt you, Ayuzawa."
"I can't see any reason how any of that is unavoidable, Takumi."
"Regardless, whether you're aware of it or not, it won't make any difference. I'm still technically betrothed to Umekoji but that doesn't mean I'd allow them to do whatever they want. I will decide who I want to be with for the rest of my life."
He was staring at me while he was saying that and I couldn't help but swallow with difficulty the bile forming in my throat as I stared back at him. This is the problem with being with this person. He can probably do the stupidest thing in the world but I'd still end up forgiving him.
"I know that I have let you down a couple of times already. But if you will have me… if you will have faith in me, I promised that I will do my best and not hurt you—even if we both see that there is no way to avoid that."
How could you even say no to that? I'm starting to wonder who's being charmed here. For a moment, I wanted to sock him on the face. He can be too charming if he really wants to. And worst, I'm up against that side of him. There's no way for me to win.
The hell.
My eyes narrowed at him. "What are you planning to do?"
Takumi wouldn't leave me alone the following days that came.
In fact, despite our departments being away from each other, he'd still managed to come to my class to walk me to the next. He even appeared in the one class I share with Sakura and Shizuko and walked with us to the cafeteria where the rest of the gang had been waiting.
The others had been confused about the very sudden shift in his behavior—and were mildly surprised that we are on speaking terms once again—although they've decided to not ask questions anymore. But I couldn't help but shrink back in my seat whenever he's acting totally out of character. And when he acted out of character—pulling a chair for me after getting my food from the counter—I wanted nothing but to incinerate the man.
He's humiliating me!
Of course, I was still annoyed by the earlier lie. Takumi knew that I haven't really forgiven him—and the others—for keeping his engagement a secret and he tried to make amends as much as possible. But even then, I wasn't comforted. When I asked him what he's planning to do about his engagement with Umekoji, he simply shrugged and assured me that he's got everything under control.
My eyes narrowed over the very vague assurance but decided to keep quiet about my anxieties.
And in a way, I have this inkling that Takumi can sense that anxiety as well.
I was a bit unsure if I should continue hanging around him. But every time I'd try to maintain an acceptable distance, he would instantly notice the space and would be very quick to close it.
It happened one Tuesday, during our lunch period. The cafeteria had been bustling and busy as usual. I got my tray from the counter and waited patiently in line while Sakura prattled about something that I couldn't quite focus on. As soon as Takumi entered the room, I was quick to pick up his presence in a room full of people. My eyes had been quick to snap in the direction of the entrance at the same time his eyes landed on me after a quick sweep of the room.
I turned my attention away from him quickly and grabbed whatever my hand could reach from the counter.
"Whoa, are you going to eat all of that?" Sakura asked me while staring critically at my tray. "Because there's no way I'll eat that for you. Stop wasting food, Ayuzawa." and then, she proceeded on putting back food that she knew I wouldn't eat before I could even voice out my protests.
I panicked momentarily when I felt Takumi's presence nearby. As soon as Sakura was done dumping wrapped food back to the stand, I quickly paid for it by the counter. I was on the verge of dashing off when my tray was stolen from me. Glancing up at the culprit, I was stunned to see that Takumi had finally kept up with me. He must have realized that I was gawking at him like an idiot because the next thing I know, he already grabbed me by the hand and started dragging me to our table—ignoring the sea of surprised faces watching the two of us without realizing that they are already being rude with their very obvious gawking.
"Hey, guys!" Yuki greets us cheerfully and moves to another empty seat so Takumi and I can sit together. I resisted the urge to wash my free hand over my face. They are doing things so naturally it almost looked unnatural. "Glad to see you finally made up."
We didn't. He more like coerced me to talk to him.
"Eat," Takumi ordered as soon as we settled on the table.
I wanted to glare at him and give him an earful. He really shouldn't be ordering me around. But I didn't want further drama, hence, I grabbed the nearest food from the tray and started eating. He started eating and taking food from my tray, although I didn't bother to voice out my protests.
Sakura's right. There's no way I could finish all this.
Stupid food. Stupid waste of money.
I'm stupid.
"You're still mad at me, I get that. There's no amount of explaining that could change that. But could you at least try to be understanding of the situation? I'm doing something about it, Ayuzawa."
I wanted to smack Usui Takumi on the head as I stared at the front page of the Academy website. And I had been gripping my phone so tight to the point that I'm next to crushing it. Because on the landing page is a photo of Takumi and Umekoji. The photos were taken separately, of course. But it was the caption that got into my nerves.
Kaon Umekoji (l) and Usui Takumi (r), are we going to hear wedding bells soon?
"Ayuzawa."
I glared at Takumi who was still standing in front of me. I wanted to incinerate him but thought better of it. Shoving all my books scattered on the table, I snatched my bag from the ground and started walking out of Study hall.
He had been quick to follow me as he snatched my bag off my shoulders much to my chagrin. "Stop walking away. If you don't want to talk to me, at least let me know."
I smiled sardonically at him. I don't even understand why he would think I want to be around him after what I've seen. "Then that defeats the purpose, right?"
"Talk to me."
He's pushing my buttons. "I don't want to talk to you." I pushed the words out of my mouth with venom enough to poison the daylights out of him.
Takumi sighed. "Talk to me, please."
"You're annoying." I stole my bag from his grip but it only made me angrier when he refused to let go. Stepping closer to him so I won't have to make a scene, I said, "If you continue annoying me, I swear to God, I'm going to flip out, Usui Takumi."
"Oh, so this is where you are, Usui-kun."
My entire back stiffened upon hearing that overly familiar voice. Slowly, I turned in the direction of the voice and saw Kaon Umekoji—Kaon Umekoji—standing before us wearing the most sarcastic and spiteful grin I have ever seen my entire life.
This damned witch…
Ignoring my presence, she went on with what she was planning to say to Takumi. "I was looking for you everywhere, Usui-san. Seems like news about our engagement leaked to the press and the school wants us to attend the dance together."
Behind me, Takumi said, "I thought it's not obligatory. I don't have plans to attend the dance."
"Oh, that won't do. School orders."
"Not my fault, he says rudely and I could see how Umekoji bit her lower lip as though she was trying to hold back her temper.
When she finally stared at me, her eyes narrowed dangerously. "Hello, Ayuzawa-san. I see you have no shame clinging to an engaged man."
I resisted the strong urge to smack her on the head even if I could feel myself heating up. I unconsciously rubbed my bracelet against my skin, trying to control my raging urge to control everyone around me. "And I see you have no shame forcing yourself to someone who would never choose you, Umekoji-san, like what you've been doing ever since time immemorial."
Her face colored and whether out of embarrassment or anger, I would never know. Her hands twitched and I know that she's also fighting the strong urge to slap me especially that we are in a very public place with eyes boring into our direction curiously. After glaring at me, she glances up at Takumi next. Her eyes had that hurt expression in them that she tries but fails to conceal.
Her expression suddenly changed when she gazed at Takumi, so I quickly shot him a worried glance. He might be immune to me but I'm not sure if he's immune to her—whatever it may be that she can do. But he was just staring at her as well with unconcealed disgust and irritation that startled me. "So you're aware, Usui-san."
Takumi nodded; his face hard. "For quite sometime now."
"And what do you think about our history—the three of us?"
"I think you should stop with whatever you're planning to do, Umekoji-san. I don't know how else to say it but I will never look at you that way—or even choose you. I am with Ayuzawa right now and, in the off chance that I would attend the dance, I would be attending with her only."
"I only want one lifetime with you, my love," she says with nearly a hint of desperation that stunned me. I couldn't believe she's showing me this part of her… this vulnerability. And for a moment, guilt started eating me up from the inside. "Just one lifetime wherein your eyes would be focused mainly on me—and not on someone else."
"I'm sorry, Umekoji," Takumi says from behind me, interrupting my train of thought. "I'm afraid I can't do that."
"You can't… or you wouldn't?" her voice was low, and the question nearly sounded unpremeditated—as if she wasn't supposed to ask it at all. Her face is dark now and her eyes were blank as she stared at us with a faraway expression on her face. And for a moment, it looked as though she was going to cry.
I mentally readied myself for the bawling that would certainly attract attention when, all of a sudden, I felt it. I felt Takumi stiffened behind me as well, and at the same time, that frightening sensation crawled from the tips of my toes to the roots of my hair. I was quick to push Takumi away, hastily stepping in front of him protectively to block him from Umekoji's view. He looked stunned by what I did but was instantly on the alert as he gripped me by the arm; keeping me at an arm's length from Umekoji.
He must have sensed the danger as well because he was suddenly on the defense; ready to go on offense if the situation calls for it. One hand gripped my arm as he gently—but tensely—tugged me back and away from Umekoji.
Umekoji simply stared at us, eyes turned even more dangerous as she stared at Takumi's hand that was gripping my arm. And, to my surprise, she released a strained sigh and nods. "This is a fate none of us could get away from—a fate we're saddled with. Don't hate me just because I was the daughter of the person who cursed the three of us. Because if the two of you are suffering, so am I."
She turned her back on us and walked out of the study hall. I could sense the controlled anger and humiliation—and sadness—coming off her while her back is on us. And despite my century-old anger towards her, her statement spoke so much sense now that I'm paying attention. I couldn't consider myself as just the victim here.
But damn it, what am I supposed to do?
I risked a glance at Takumi who was also staring at Umekoji's retreating figure. His eyes had that dark expression in them and, for a moment, I thought he looked conflicted about the current situation. And despite the fear quickly eating me up from the inside, I somehow managed to control my emotions as I also watched Umekoji while she walked away from us. I'm torn—of course, I'm torn. But damn it, what am I supposed to do?
Pinching the bridge of my nose and clenching my eyes shut, I said, "Damn it, is this the only choice that we have? This vicious cycle will continue towards the next generation if we do this. I only want to lift the curse. I only want to escape this pattern. I don't want to hurt anybody while in that process."
Even Takumi looked helpless when he returned my gaze. I wasn't sure if I would be happy about it or not—because I'm quite certain that he's now beginning to realize what it means to deal with someone like me, to be with me despite what we're facing.
Facing him again, I said, "I am not normal, Takumi. The situation that we are in is more than… complicated. And it will be like this for the rest of our lives until the curse has been passed on to my successor—our child if ever we will be blessed with one. The pain and the curse are never-ending unless it's lifted."
"Why do you want to lift the curse, Ayuzawa?"
I couldn't believe why he was asking me such a question as if the answer isn't obvious enough. Why do I want to lift the curse? Of course, it's because I want to live a normal life! I want to be like other normal people. I don't want to continue hurting other people and forcing them to do things they would never do just because they made the mistake of looking into my eyes—that's why.
Clenching my fists tightly, I said, "I hate myself—my current self. I hate the current situation. You have never seen what I've seen, never experienced what I've experienced. I don't want to be like this for the rest of my life."
He simply stared at me as if there was something in my face that caught my attention. His eyes looked far away for a moment before he nodded.
I wasn't sure if he truly understood what I meant—what I was saying—but I didn't have the energy to argue about it with him anymore. These past few days have been draining me more than usual. He grabbed my bag once again and, this time, I didn't bother to fight him off. He reached out for my hand as well and dragged me out of study hall and towards the academic buildings since we still have afternoon classes.
I reveled in the warmth of his hand; trying to absorb as much warmth as I could because I'm no longer sure for how long I can hold this hand—or how long I can be with this person.
Once again, that sound echoed in my ears again. Both Usui and I paused walking as we stared at each other. I clenched my free fist tightly at the same time I noticed how his jaw hardened. Whatever that sound is, we're both not sure how to explain it.
But there's one thing we're both certain of: that is the sound of something breaking… and that something is coming… and we're not sure if it's a good thing or not.
It was the day before the Christmas dance and people of the female population seemed to be much more high-strung than usual. Everywhere I looked, they were talking about the dance that it was almost painful to my ears.
I stared at the flyer being handed to the students in the hall and quietly made my way to the pantry so I could get lunch with the others. The theme had been Masquerade and the auditorium which had been the biggest hall in the University is where the ball would be held—and preparations are done now to accommodate hundreds of students attending the said event.
I shoved the flyer in the pockets of my uniform's coat and walking alongside other students inside the cafeteria, waving back at Sakura who waved at me as soon as she saw me enter the establishment. I pointed the line, telling her that I would just get food, which she instantly understood as she nodded at me. I quickly grabbed a tray from the side and walked towards the line while choosing which variation I would get for the day.
When I was done paying for it by the counter, I made my way to our table and greeted the others who greeted me. I was in the middle of eating when Usui, Hideki, and Aoi arrived—the only ones who have yet to join us for lunch.
Usui took his usual seat by my side and was quick to grab a fry off my tray. I frowned at him. "You're stinking rich yet you can't even buy your food?"
"Sharing food with me is your job as my girlfriend."
I choke out on my drink—the same time Sakura coughed out the food she was eating—the moment Usui said that. And since his voice was way louder than necessary, it felt as though the rest of the cafeteria heard what he said. Eyes were on us instantly the moment he said that and I fought against the strong urge to smack him on the head. I simply stared at him, still shocked, while he simply shrugged and continued getting fries off my tray.
I wanted the ground to swallow me while Sakura—and the rest of our group—stared at Usui and me as though we've grown two more heads. Adjusting my neck scarf so it covers half of my face, I sunk back on my seat and fingered the hem of my uniform.
It's not the best time to be doing this, Usui Takumi.
Usui paused due to the sudden invasion but he relaxed in a few moments and pretended as though we weren't talking telepathically. They are getting confused as to why I'm hovering around you too much. I don't want them to think that I'm bullying you.
Weren't you?
He chuckled under his breath. Back then, I guess. I like seeing you annoyed. Anyways, at least, now they know that you're off-limits. I don't like sharing you with anyone.
I couldn't help but blush over what he said. And then, I got reminded of the situation we're stuck in right now that I couldn't help but frown once again. You're not sharing me with anyone. It's the other way around, isn't it?
Takumi sighed at that. Ayuzawa, please. You know it's not true.
It's on the University website now, I reminded him frostily.
I asked Shizuko to do something about it—take it down, whatever. She can hack it, shut it down permanently. I don't care. Do you think it makes me happy seeing that? I hate it as much as you do. Need I remind you that they've decided on this without my consent?
When I glanced up at him, he was already frowning. Ugh, I don't want to ruin anybody's mood right now—especially Takumi's. Because it seems like when he's in a bad mood, the rest of the University is in a terrible mood as well.
You're not attending the dance tomorrow, right?
I nodded—and quickly stopped myself midway before the others could even notice. I'm not changing my mind about it.
And our plan for tomorrow? You're not changing your mind about that as well, right? You said yes to me.
Well… it's not like I'm regretting it. No.
No what?
No, I'm not changing my mind about it.
What time are we tomorrow?
I sighed. Do you even have the clearance to get out of school tomorrow? Because if he doesn't, there's no point asking what time we are supposed to leave.
You seem to be forgetting who you're talking to.
I frowned at him while he simply shrugged. I sighed. No point arguing with this person when he's so persistent about things. I hope we can leave as early as we can.
Then I'll be waiting for you by the parking lot around five in the morning—at my usual slot.
It was going to happen whether I liked it or not. I would not be caught admitting this but I liked it—worst, I'm looking forward to spending the entire day with Takumi while the entire University is wondering if he would be attending the dance with Umekoji.
Ah… Umekoji.
Taking a quick sweep of the room, my eyes automatically landed in Umekoji's direction while she ate in silence with her friends. Her back and shoulders had been hunched defensively regardless of the polite and friendly smiles she'd been throwing to people. When I realized that she was about to glance in our direction, I quickly dropped my gaze elsewhere but kept close tabs on her; knowing that she had been secretly glancing in our direction as well. I could taste—and sense—vitriol from her direction but I did well on ignoring it despite the strong urge to glare at her as well.
She didn't want to be hated but she's quite good at doing things that could make me hate her—although for sure, those words were meant for none other than Takumi.
I glanced up at Takumi again the same time he glanced down at me. And realizing that our faces were too close—from behind us, I could feel Umekoji's death glare multiplying tenfold (if it could even multiply—I was quick to lean away from him; chastising myself for the indecent behavior—and thoughts.
Takumi sighed. I'm not going to eat you alive, Ayuzawa.
Your engagement with Umekoji has already been publicized. I'm not planning on making myself look like the other woman here.
You know that's not true.
Doesn't matter, Usui. In the eyes of the public, you two have a relationship.
He sighed once again and I could sense frustration coming off his skin.
Of course, it's not like I wanted to dwell on that. But I really wouldn't want to be labeled as someone who goes after engaged men. I have been labeled as nothing but a troublesome student in the past and I don't want to further be under the spotlight by being too publicly involved with this person.
I stared at Usui again and noticed the strain on his shoulders… the way he was clenching his jaw irritably. The strong urge to touch his jaw… his face and his lips were strong and blinding. And somehow, I wanted to—to touch him… to show-off that he belongs to me… to just scream to the entire universe that I wanted this man the way he wanted me. I sighed once more.
Matters of the heart are so frickin' annoying.
Before I could even change my mind, and in a rare moment of affection, my hand moved on its own to touch Usui's tightly clenched jaw. He went stiff when he felt my hand against his face before he slowly turned to me, slightly confused by what I did since he's well aware of how much I hated public displays of affection.
May I kiss you?
If he was surprised, he didn't bother to show it. Regardless, I still wanted to get his permission—his consent. After all, I am nothing but a monster. And monsters like me don't get to do whatever I want. Always, I have to ask for consent. It's the least I could do after dragging him in such a dark fate.
He nodded slowly and I was quick to lean forward to place a soft kiss on his jawline; feeling the comforting warmth spread through my entire being as the impact of what I did in public finally hit me. The kiss—despite his agreement—seemed to have caught him off guard as well as he gazed at me as soon as I pulled back.
What was that all about? He asks, still confused but mildly amused.
I shrugged. I don't like it when you're frowning, that's it.
He laughed at that—out loud—which confused the rest of the group in our table before he nodded; accepting my reason. And obviously, his mood seemed to have shifted into something lighter. His temper seemed to have affected the rest of the group because they resumed with what they were doing; trying their best to ignore Usui and me.
When the bell finally rang, I quickly gathered my stuff and followed Sakura and Shizuko as they made their way out of the cafeteria. It was a relief to finally be out and away from curious eyes. But I could swear to all the saints that I know that Umekoji is burning holes on my back when we walked past their table.
"You really have no shame, don't you?"
I stopped in my tracks and darted a glance at the direction of the voice in time Umekoji dropped her books on the empty table next to mine. I was instantly aware of her presence, feeling more agitated than usual as I readied myself mentally and physically against whatever she might do.
She rolled her eyes upon seeing my defensive stance and quietly takes the empty seat and opens one book as though she was working on something. "Don't be stupid, Ayuzawa. I'm not going to attack you here in broad daylight."
"Good afternoon to you too, Umekoji," I said dryly and tries to focus on my assignment even if half of my attention is focused on my left side where she was seated.
"I can't find the good this afternoon, Ayuzawa—not after that little stunt you pulled in the cafeteria. Are you that set to piss the hell out of me?"
"I don't know what you're talking about."
Shut up, Ayuzawa. You know what I'm talking about.
I froze when her voice echoed inside my mind and, stunned, turned to Umekoji out of unconcealed surprise.
She rolled her eyes upon seeing my dumb expression. What? You'd think I don't know how to do this as well? I'm older than you.
I scowled at her. I've had enough of her thinking that I'm dumb. You're older than me, indeed. That's why I'm confused why you're targeting someone younger than you by eons.
I— Umekoji frowned at me and quickly snaps her narrowed eyes back to her book; pretending as though something in the page caught her interest. "Shut up, Ayuzawa."
"I didn't start this."
She glared at me again and I couldn't help but glare back. Despite the animosity between us, I could somehow feel that she meant it when she said that she would not attack me—at least, in broad daylight. "You're really selfish, aren't you?"
"What does that even mean?"
"I'm only asking for one lifetime, Ayuzawa—just this lifetime. And you couldn't even give it to me."
"You've made me suffer for more than one lifetime, Umekoji. What makes you think I'd listen to anything you'd say now? And besides, we'll see each other in the next lifetime—at least, you'd see my reincarnation. You can try asking the next me, again, for this favor. Because as long as you continue cursing us, you'd eventually get cursed as well."
She glared at me once more but didn't retaliate. Instead, she fell silent and pinned her eyes on the book she was reading. I went on to ignore her as well. Since she's not planning to attack—and for odd reasons, I believe her—I tried to focus on what I'm working on as well. When she sighed, I turned my attention to her again.
I frowned irritably. "What now, Umekoji?"
"Why do you hate your curse so much?"
I froze at that question—stunned and caught off guard. I stared at her—confused—and wondered vaguely if it was a trick question. But definitely, her question rattled me. Nobody has ever asked me such a question before.
Upon noticing my hesitation, she shrugged. "I mean, I know it wasn't a very easy life. But come on. You have to admit that, in some way, your curse is very convenient."
My forehead creased. "How so?"
"Don't be dumb, Ayuzawa. Come on. Don't tell me you haven't tried using it to your advantage? And I'm not talking about ordering those students who attacked Maria-san into killing themselves. I'm talking about charming people into submission… to get whatever you want—material or not. With those eyes, you know that you can get away with anything—as long as you're using them correctly, of course. I won't believe you if you'd tell me that you haven't tried exploring your power before."
I paused once again. She's starting to hit more than one mark with her questions. "What's your problem?"
She smiled at me, albeit sardonic. "I'm just trying to make conversations with you. We haven't made a proper one, right?"
I frowned at her, a little bit suspicious. But she did look like she meant no harm. Is this what it meant with the phrase that looks can be truly deceiving? I stared at her cynically while she continued to offer me that sarcastic smile. For a moment, I thought I wanted to smack her. In the end, I sighed. I am truly a pushover. Dropping my eyes back on my book, I said, "Of course, I tried using it to my advantage. I'm trying my best not to be a sinner but that doesn't mean I'm a saint, either."
"And how do you feel about it?"
I shrugged. "Guilty. But this is a fate I'm saddled with—a fate that I'm struggling to escape from. My situation will not change no matter how guilty I feel and the lives I've taken will no longer return even if I mull about it for the rest of my life. I can only move forward and ensure that no lives will be lost on my hands in the coming future."
"We are all evil in our ways, Ayuzawa," she says and, when I glanced at her, Umekoji had that faraway look in her eyes. For a moment, I thought she aged ten years. "In your eyes, I am also evil… when the only thing I did is long for love—to see my reflection in that man's eyes."
"Umekoji—"
"I don't need your pity, Ayuzawa." She cuts me off instantly. "And I also don't need any explanation from you. The two of us are just two people who will never be able to see each other eye to eye."
"I don't have plans to."
"And you don't have plans to give me Usui Takumi as well, don't you?"
I growled at her; keeping it under my breath as to not attract attention. "He is not an object, Umekoji. He's the one making choices here, not me. Did you think I didn't try pushing him away?"
"You're probably not trying hard enough."
I want to hang this woman on the ceiling sometimes.
"What is the one thing that you want the most, Ayuzawa?"
I scowled at her again; wondering why she was asking me questions after questions. Certainly, she will not get any useful information from me—not when she's the one who knows how to lift the curse. Nothing she can do can further damage me because the curse is already doing that.
"It should be a very easy question to answer. Why are you so evasive?"
"It didn't occur to you that you're probably the last person I would like to respond to right now?" when she shrugged, I felt compelled to respond to her question once again. Why I feel that way is beyond me. "I want to be accepted."
"By who?"
"By everyone. I don't want them to look at me just because they're getting that type of influence."
"Now ask me the same question."
I stared at her cynically again; wondering where she's going with this… but decided to ask anyway. "What is the one thing you want the most, Umekoji?"
She stared ahead of us and when her eyes lingered at the entrance of the study hall, I couldn't help but follow where her gaze was leading her to as well. And just in time, as if his attention had been called, Usui Takumi's gaze fell in my direction. My eyes narrowed at the sight of him as comforting warmth spread from my toes to the roots of my hair. His eyes darkened for a bit when he spotted me and, when he looked down momentarily, I saw the ghost of a smirk plastered on his lips.
Beside me, Umekoji sighed. "That. I want that more than anything else in the world, Ayuzawa." I turned to her, about to say something when she spoke once again while gathering her stuff. She's now planning to make her exit. And why she would do that is beyond me. "I want that smile more than anything else in the world—and that is where the big difference between us comes in."
Umekoji was gone before Takumi could even reach our table. He looked confused—and slightly suspicious—when he spotted her although he didn't bother to say anything. I continued watching her retreating figure and, when she's finally out of our line of sight and hearing range, I turned to the waiting man in front of me.
"Hey." I greeted him timidly.
He simply nodded. "Trying to be friends with Umekoji?"
I had to laugh at that. "Don't be such a tease."
"Just trying to lighten up the mood. I'm not so sure how to approach you anymore these past few days." when I simply stared at him, he sighed. "I know it's my fault."
"I'm not blaming you."
"Not right now, at least." he sighed once again. "I've hurt you, I know that. I couldn't be any more sorry about what happened. But I want you more than anything else combined."
Oh, dear. When he starts saying that… I sighed. "I know."
"I want you, Ayuzawa—just you. No one else."
I couldn't help but blush by the very forward declaration. For a moment, I thought I wanted to hit him for embarrassing me like that. But damn, where else can you get a guy who would do and say all that for you? Nowhere.
No, I mean, only here in Miyabigaoka. Only Usui frickin' Takumi.
Damn.
I sighed. I am such a simp for this man. After gathering my stuff, and allowing him to hold everything for me, I reached out for my hand and motioned towards the exit. "Shall we?"
He simply nodded and pulled me out of the library; uncaring whether eyes are on us now because we've been holding hands in public.
And I was so lost in the moment that I didn't realize that peaceful days like this are already numbered.
Shizuko was reading quietly in the living room when I arrived back in the dorms. She gave a nod in my direction and snapped her book shut when I took the vacant spot next to her.
"You're late," she says disapprovingly while staring at me. "Were you out with Usui?"
I nodded; finally allowing myself to feel the extreme mental and physical exhaustion that I've been doing my best to ignore all day long. "He wanted to get dinner first before returning to the dorms—something about Hideki-kun and Aoi sucking at cooking."
She'd snorted at that but leans back anyway on the backrest of the couch. "What time are you guys leaving tomorrow?"
I wondered about that and frowned mentally when I remembered that I'm leaving the school grounds tomorrow with Takumi. Heaving out a deep sigh, I said, "Well, we don't want to get seen together so we'd probably leave before sunrise."
"Huh."
I eyed her suspiciously. "What?"
"Nothing. I just think it's a good idea if you won't be seen together in public as much as possible. That little stunt you pulled in the cafeteria already reached his brother. I think it's only a matter of time before you two get called back to Gerard's residence."
At the mention of Gerard's name, I couldn't help but go pale. God knows I've never wanted to see that elder half-brother of his—not after what happened the last time. And remembering that conversation I have had with him just makes me feel awkward and embarrassed all over again.
I couldn't help the groan that escaped my mouth. "Damn, why do I have to be saddled with this fate? I just want people to look at me—to really look at me."
"We are looking at you."
"You guys are the exception. For some odd reasons, you're all immune to me."
"Not all the way immune."
"But still, in some way, immune." I sighed and leaned back on the couch; placing my head on her shoulder irritably. "Something's probably off with your brains or something."
"Or something," she says with a smile. "Is that what you want? Is that the reason why you want this curse to be lifted? Because you want people to look at you."
I eyed her critically once more. "Aside from that, I don't want to hurt people anymore, of course. Is there something wrong with that?"
Shizuko shrugged. "I don't think anything's wrong with you wanting people to really look at you. But I just thought, if you want acceptance, it should come from you first. I mean, if you can't accept yourself, how are you going to get other people to accept you?"
I sighed over what she said. Of course, I'm getting this perspective from her as well. But then again, she didn't witness firsthand what I had to do, what I have to do, and the things done against me. Because if she did, she wouldn't have these thoughts about me.
Turning to her, I said, "I accept who I am, Shizuko. Whether you believe this or not, I really do. But at the same time, I hate myself—the things I did, the decisions I was forced to make, and everything else in between. It's fifty-fifty, of course. But my self-acceptance is not the answer to lifting my curse. It's Umekoji. She's the key for me to finally live the life that I deserved."
"And she confirmed that, right?"
I nodded. "She did. And obviously, she won't tell me."
I remembered the conversation that we've had back in the study hall—the huge difference between the two of us—and frowned. She wanted Usui Takumi more than anything else in the world… while I wanted nothing but freedom from the curse. For a while, guilt washed over me when the realization finally hit me.
She wanted Usui while I wanted freedom.
Dammit.
This is why I hate being put on the spot. Is it so wrong to desire for my freedom first before anything else? Of course, I want Usui Takumi more than anything—and anyone— else in this world combined. But I can't be with him fully—not when I'm a walking disaster. I would only end up hurting the two of us in the future, and I would only end up passing that hurt should our relationship bear a child.
Dammit.
"What are you thinking?"
I exhaled; mildly frustrated. "The future, and so much more."
This time, it was Shizuko who sighed. "I know this must be a very heavy burden for you to take, Ayuzawa. But tomorrow, I would suggest you take a day off from all of your worries and just focus on yourself and Usui. I think, after all the things you've gone through, tomorrow is a very much and well-deserved break."
I agreed silently over what she said and got off the couch.
I got my bag from the floor and bid her goodnight and quietly made my way back to my room. I dumped my stuff on the floor and started undressing, rushing to my personal bathroom to take a quick shower. I allowed the jet spray coming from the showerhead to wash over today's fatigue. And I showered much longer than usual.
When I was done taking a bath, I dried myself thoroughly and blow-dried my hair before walking sluggishly to the bed. It was a good day that tomorrow is a long weekend. Since the dance will be held on a Friday, the University canceled tomorrow's classes to give the students ample time to prepare.
I turned up the heater a few notches and tucked myself under the blanket, making sure that I'd set up my alarm so I could wake up on time. I was on the verge of falling asleep when I heard my phone vibrating on the bedside table. I sighed, momentarily distracted, and tiredly reached out for the small device.
All signs of weariness disappeared when I saw Usui's name registered on the screen. I was quick to get up and opened his message.
Just checking to make sure we're still on tomorrow. I'll be in front of your doorstep by five?
A shiver ran up my spine at the thought of him waiting for me tomorrow morning. Shaking my head so I can focus, I quickly typed in my response, telling him that I'll be with him before five so he wouldn't have to wait long and hit send. I was waiting for him to respond when, to my surprise, my phone vibrates once again and indicated an incoming call.
Holy shi—
I pressed the green button before placing the phone against my ear; eager to hear his voice.
"Ayuzawa."
Dammit. Why does he have to speak like that? I can't even— Trying to calm myself, I ended up saying the stupidest response. "We were just together, are we not?"
But instead of getting annoyed, he actually chuckled over my stupid response. "Well, I guess, I can't stand another hour without talking to you. I wonder if I'm being charmed."
"I—" I frowned but when I heard his dark and low chuckle from the other end of the line, I couldn't help but laugh as well. "Hah. You wish."
"I wonder if I do."
This time, I frowned for real. "You wouldn't want that. You know how it goes. Remember Hideki-kun? The student who killed himself because of me? The guys who attacked Maria-san? You know how ugly it could get."
"I wouldn't know because you've zero effect on me whatsoever."
"I—" Damn, that's right. Could he really be the one? I sighed. "Well, I'm glad about that."
"I only called to check up on you. Are you about to sleep?"
"Y-Yes."
"Hmm…" and damn, even the way he hums is just so… sexy. Since when did he start being sexy?! "I guess I called… to ask what you're wearing."
What the— "Usui Takumi!" I hissed under my breath as blood rushed up to my face... I can't believe he was asking me that question! What the hell!
From the other end of the line, the man actually had the nerve to laugh. "What? You're a pervert. I was just asking you what you're wearing. It isn't like I asked you what color your underwear is."
"Usui—" I fought against the strong urge to scream. But damn, talking like this with him is, I have to admit, exciting. Gah! I'm such a pervert! "I'm going to kill you."
"Well?"
"Well, what?"
"Are you going to answer that or not?"
Ugh, dammit. I sighed and glanced down underneath the blanket. "Nothing."
"What?"
"I'm not… wearing anything." Obviously, the idiot seemed stunned over what I said. He didn't speak for half a minute as I heard the way he caught his breath from the other end of the line. Blood continued climbing up from my stomach to my head as I frowned at him. "Now you choose to shut your mouth."
"No. I'm just surprised. You're driving me crazy."
"I'm not going to have phone sex with you tonight, Usui Takumi." I said as bluntly as I could to which he laughed out loud. "Not when my roommates are in the room. God knows these dorms have very thin walls."
He chuckled once again. "Not really. But wait… what if Kaga and Hanazono aren't there? Does that mean you'd have phone sex with me?"
"I—" I flushed once again. "Idiot."
Takumi laughed. "Only when it comes to you." The sound of blankets shuffling can be heard on his side after a few seconds of silence. "Well, I don't want to keep you up too late since we'd be out early tomorrow. Get some rest and then I'd pick up before five."
"Alright. Are you going to sleep as well?"
"Did you honestly think it would be easy for me to sleep after you told me that you're not wearing anything tonight?" when I gasped out loud, Takumi chuckled darkly once again. "I think… I'd imagine you first for a few hours before I could go to sleep. I need to somehow calm down."
"You're an idiot."
"Again, only when it comes to you."
"Good night, Usui Takumi."
"Likewise, Ayuzawa. Dream of me."
That's so out of character. But damn, now it's going to be hard for me to fall asleep as well! But I have to or else, I might not wake up on time tomorrow. With a sigh, I said, "I will. See you later."
I lingered on the line for a few seconds and when I heard him chuckle—and ordered me to drop the call—I complied and finally cut our phone call. When the line was finally cut, I let out a shaky breath while staring at Usui's call card on my screen. I sighed once more, placed the phone back on the table, and buried myself underneath the sheet.
It took me another half an hour to doze off and when I finally did, I slid into a restless sleep.
I really wasn't able to get much sleep.
I wasn't sure if it was because of the excitement of leaving the University grounds with Takumi or just being completely out of everybody's unwanted observation but either way, I was just completely happy to be out.
I got my stuff ready and dashed to the bathroom to take a quick shower. Everything that I did has been rushed and when I got everything secured in my duffel bag, I got my coat from the hooks lined up on my wall and tucked it on my arm. I left a note for Shizuko and Sakura on the center table, wishing them to have fun on the dance and that I'd see them at nightfall, and made my way to the front door.
Instantly, I sensed Takumi's presence behind the door and I couldn't help but get nervous as I struggled to unlock the door. I held my breath when his tall, dark figure welcomed me. It was refreshing to see him out of our uniform and I felt like a plain idiot wearing nothing but pants, boots, and a dark sweater when he was practically wearing the same thing.
I was momentarily stunned when Takumi took a step closer, a neck scarf on one hand, and carefully wrapped it loosely around my neck to shelter me from the biting coldness.
He smiled, satisfied with what he did, and said, "Good morning."
Damn it. I'm wretchedly in love with this pervert. "G-Good morning."
He chuckled once again as though he was enjoying my awkwardness and, when I stepped out of the room, he took one step back to allow me some space while I locked the door behind me. He got my bag from me and, in silence, we made our way to the elevators side by side. It was a quiet trip to the open parking lot and, as soon as we stepped out of the building, I couldn't help but shiver due to the biting five AM air.
Takumi opened the car for me first and as soon as I got inside, he dumped our stuff in the trunk before he got in. He brought the engine to life as soon as he got in and turned up the heater to prevent the two of us from freezing to death. As soon as we were toasty warm in the car, he quickly set up his car's GPS and navigation system and turned to me, "So, where are we off to?" he asks with a smile on his face—like a kid about to go to an amusement park.
Dammit. That face and smile are cheating right there. I reached out for the GPS and typed in our destination and sank back on the comfortable leather seat of his car; even crossing my arms over my chest as annoyance got the best of me.
Usui Takumi chuckled at my dark mood and did the right thing by not teasing me anymore. He maneuvered the wheels and backs out of his lot and towards the front gates of the University.
This is going to be a very long day.
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- TGP