Authors Note:

Hope you enjoy! If you want an angsty playlist to go along with the story, below are a few songs I thought fit the overall vibe:

Iris - Chris Lanzon

Je te laisserai des mots - Patrick Watson

All I Want - Echos

Golden Age - Ethel Cain

For Island Fires and Family - Dermot Kennedy

Poison and Wine - Black Match

Dancing after Death - Matt Maeson

Levi had known that this was going to happen.

Well, he hadn't known, exactly - nobody could have predicted the disaster that had struck them, the hundreds of scouts who had been massacred. But the second that Erwin had insisted on going with them on the mission, his gut had clenched with the certainty that it would be his last. He had tried to reason with him - platitudes, violence, appeals for the future of humanity - but it had all fallen on deaf ears. He should have known better than to try; much of Erwin's success had hinged on his unyielding pursuit of what he believed in and that fucking stubborn streak. It was one of things he hated and loved the most about him in equal measure.

And now, he crouched beside Erwin's lifeless body. "You stupid fool," he whispered, though even he wasn't quite sure who he was talking to. Hange, for their part, had known better than to say anything to him in that moment. The others were occupied with Armin, who had emerged from the Titan's flesh pink as a newborn, so the silence hung unbroken, as thick as the smoke that coloured the air and settled in Levi's lungs. He was so tired - it was all he could do to keep himself numb, to force down the warring emotions that threatened to topple him.

After what seemed like years, Hange spoke. "We have to move his body, Levi. Bring him home or bury him, I'll leave that to you, but he can't stay up here."

"I know." Another decision. Hange seemed to sense the weight of it, reaching out to touch his shoulder.

"It's yours to make, but I'm here to help you," they said softly. "You've had to make too many impossible choices today, more than anyone should have to make in their lifetime. Maybe we can just move him somewhere for the night and then make a decision in the morning." Levi opened his mouth to speak and was horrified by the way his throat closed, the hot weight of unshed tears heavy behind his eyes. He managed a scowl and a nod, digging his nails into his palms and trying to ignore the blood caked under his fingernails. Titan blood, mixed with too much of Erwin's and not enough of his own.

Wordlessly, the two of them wrapped Erwin in his cloak and transferred him to the ground, Levi trying to ignore the way his head lolled against Levi's chest, the way his arm hung lifelessly against his ruined torso. They found a nearby house that was slightly less destroyed than the others and, mercifully, had an intact bedroom, and laid him on the bed. Hange tried to muster a smile, but it didn't reach their eyes.

"There, now it's just like he's sleeping." It wasn't true. Erwin rarely slept, and when he did, he tossed and turned incessantly, his brow creased. Despite the stoic, ruthless façade he wore in the day, Levi had often heard him murmuring the names of recently deceased soldiers in his sleep. Most nights he had reached out to smooth that troubled forehead in in the dark and—

No. He shoved the wave of memories down before they could drown him. He was already barely treading water.

"Yeah," he finally managed, "Sleeping." Hange glanced at him and reached out to pluck at Levi's blood-soaked cloak. It was more red than green now.

"You look like hell. Go get cleaned up - the recruits know to signal when Armin wakes up. For now there's nothing else to do but wait." When Levi opened his mouth to protest, Hange raised a hand. "That's an order from your Commander." Their lips quivered slightly as they uttered the title, took in what it meant. "I need you among the living, Levi. The dead can wait. It's what Erwin would want."

Mechanically, Levi raised his fist to his chest in the military salute. It was a longstanding joke among the Scouts that he was heartless and, as such, had no need for the gesture.

How he wished that were true.

He found a functioning spigot in the ruins of what had once been a tavern and scrubbed furiously at his face, his hands. The water was freezing, but after the thick smoke left by the Colossal and the hot Titan blood that had soaked his hair and burned his eyes, he welcomed the sensation. The cold was numbing,and numb what was he needed to be right now. It was easy to feel nothing in the heat of battle - that was a skill that Kenny had taught him from a young age, and one that he had perfected over the years. How else could he keep going as friends fell around him?

After, though — that was the hard part. Erwin wasn't the only one haunted by the ghosts of fallen comrades. It was one of the things they had first bonded over in the early days, each trying to keep the other awake and distracted with hours of conversation after a particularly brutal battle. Eventually, they had found other ways to distract each other.

Stop it. But it was too late, and he was back in the Mitras again, pleading with Erwin to stay behind. Threatening to break his legs, though all he wanted was to fall to his knees and beg. Why didn't I? Why did I let him ride to his death? He remembered how the sunlight had gilded Erwin's hair as he refused. He knew that Erwin's father had been killed for pursuing the truth, how the guilt of the role he'd played in his death hung heavy on his Commander's shoulders. He knew that he would chase his father's dream if it was the last thing he did. Maybe that was why Levi hadn't fought harder, had walked away.

Erwin had knocked on his door later that night, his shoulders heavy with apology, and they had fallen into each other ferociously, as if they both knew that there was no turning back. After, as they lay side by side, Erwin had turned to Levi, his blue eyes glowing in the dark.

"Do you think me a monster?" he had asked, an uncharacteristic uncertainty in his voice." It's true that nobody else can lead us as I can, but I would be lying if I said that it wasn't my own selfishness driving me to spearhead this mission. If I die, humanity will suffer."

"If you die, I will suffer most of all," Levi had said quietly. "But I won't deny you your dream." He had reached out then, smoothed Erwin's brow with his thumb as he had a thousand times. "You can be a selfish bastard sometimes, but you will never be a monster." He'd smirked then, pulled Erwin in closer. "That's my job."

The memory brought Levi to his knees. He had long mastered enduring physical pain, from the gnawing hunger of his childhood to the countless cuts and bruises he had sustained on the streets, to the bones he had broken and blood he'd shed in the line of duty. But this pain was something else, robbing him of his breath and rendering him deaf, blind, mute. I won't deny you your dream. Had he not, mere days after those stolen moments in the dark, looked his Commander in the eye and told him to do just that? Suddenly he was kneeling in the dirt before Erwin again, telling his lover to ride to his death even as his heart shattered like the ruined houses around them. And Erwin had thanked him. With a quick press of Levi's fingertips, he had drawn himself up bravely once more to rally his troops for their suicide mission.

Levi gasped, fighting a wave of nausea, and doused his face with icy water. No more. He couldn't take it. Thankfully, at that moment, a cry came from the wall.

Armin was awake.

"I…I don't understand." Armin's eyes were wide with shock, seeming to swallow his face. Eren had brought him up to speed - Levi couldn't trust himself to recount the day's events without completely losing his composure. "Why'd you pick me? No matter how you look at it, Commander Erwin's the one humanity needed the most."

He felt everyone's eyes on him, then. Stay numb, the fight isn't over yet. He aimed a half-hearted kick at Eren's backside.

"I told you to tell him the whole story, Jaeger." Miraculously, his voice didn't crack. "Your friends here staged a little mutiny when they realized we were going to let you die." Armin flinched slightly at that, but managed a stoic nod. Poor kid.

"But at the end of the day, it was my choice. I chose to revive you…or rather, I chose to let this be the place…where Erwin died." He dug his fingernails into his thumb beneath his cloak and turned abruptly to look out over the ruined city. Don't. Levi hadn't cried in years, not since Furlan and Isabel, and he wasn't about to start now in front of everyone.

Mercifully, Hange took over. "You're right, Armin. I would have revived Erwin, too. In fact, to be brutally honest…" their good eye flicked to Levi's face, and their gaze softened slightly. "Never mind. What's done is done. Erwin trusted Levi to make the choice he saw fit, and he saw fit to revive you. That's the decision we have to work with now…"

He might have been able to fool the others, but Hange had always been able to see right through him. They had guessed at the truth of Erwin and Levi's relationship embarrassingly quickly, despite their best efforts to hide it from everyone, their vehement denial.

"So, does this mean I have to replace Commander Erwin?" whispered Armin.

"Don't get me wrong," Levi said. "Nobody can ever replace Erwin, could ever come close." It took everything he had to keep his face blank, his voice steady. "But you have your gifts too. Don't let me or anyone else regret our decision…and don't you regret it either." Armin nodded, his lips tight as though he didn't trust himself to speak. He could feel Hange watching him closely, brow slightly furrowed, as though waiting for him to shatter.

They made plans to reconvene in an hour to locate Grisha's cellar. Levi stood, ready to launch himself over the wall, when Hange grasped his wrist.

"I need to talk to you," they said. Blood had started to leak through the bandage over their left eye, a stray rivulet painting their cheek like a macabre tear track.

"Can it wait?" He was so tired. All he wanted was to be alone, but Hange shook their head and gestured for him to follow. They sat out of earshot of the others, their legs dangling over the edge of the wall. It would be so easy to pitch forward, fall into nothing. Maybe Erwin would be waiting for him on the other side. As though sensing his thoughts, Hange pressed a palm against his chest and shook their head.

"Tempting as it is, I can't lose you too," Hange said. Levi could tell it was meant as a joke, but the words sounded hollow. "I need to know, Levi. Why didn't you bring Erwin back? I know what he meant to you…"

"That's why I couldn't do it," Levi whispered, his chest suddenly unbearably tight. He tilted his head up, trying to focus on the clouds, but the sky was the same color as Erwin's eyes. Instead, he squeezed his eyes shut instead and flopped backwards until his head rested on the cool stone. He felt Hange lie down beside him.

"I don't understand," Hange murmured, more to themselves than to Levi. "All Erwin wanted was to know the truth, and you had the chance to bring him back."

"Damn it, Hange!" Levi gasped, his voice echoing over the stones. The recruits probably had all heard him, but he didn't care. "Do you think I don't know that? Don't you think that's what I wanted more than anything?" Despite his efforts, he felt tears welling up under his eyelashes.

"Then why didn't you, Levi?" Hange's voice was pleading. "I saw in your eyes that you were going to. What changed?"

They were right. Even as he had fumbled for the syringe for Armin, he had hoped against hope that somehow Erwin would pull off one more miraculous victory. And then, impossibly, he had arrived moments later, bleeding and heartbreakingly beautiful, and Levi had thought for a moment that maybe there was some good in this wretched world, after all. He cared about Armin, of course, but this was his Commander.

But then, when everyone had gone and he'd crouched over Erwin, ready to bring him back, Erwin had moved his arm away. Muttered something about humans beyond the wall. His eyelashes had fluttered, and his lips had twitched into something nearly resembling a smile. Levi had never seen his face so calm, and in that moment what was left of his heart had shattered. He had almost laughed at the cruelty of his fate. Another impossible choice.

"Did you know," Levi managed thickly, "that Erwin personally signed the death certificates of every Scout lost in the field? Wrote a little note to their family, thanking them for giving up their son or daughter for the sake of humanity." He heard Hange inhale sharply beside him, but he didn't dare open his eyes. "Or he used to. I started forging his signature after the mission to capture the Female Titan, because he broke down somewhere around the hundredth certificate. The bastard kept crying all over the pages, smearing the ink."

He remembered the long night after their return, when Erwin had insisted on staying up until they were all signed. Levi hadn't noticed the tears rolling silently down his cheeks at first, nor the way his hands had trembled, until he had ruined Petra's certificate for the third time. He had wordlessly taken the pen from Erwin's hands and copied his signature with a flourish.

"I had to learn it for when I rob you," Levi had said, trying to lighten the mood, but Erwin had done was touch his cheek and murmur thanks before sinking back into his chair and putting his face in his hands. By the time the sun rose, Levi had finished the rest of the certificates, his hands aching and splattered with ink. Erwin had watched him silently, barely moving but for the faint rise and fall of his chest.

"It's done," Levi had said quietly, and those words seemed to snap Erwin from his trance. He rose in one swift movement and nodded, the armor of Commander falling back into place. He grasped Levi's hands and kissed his ink-stained fingertips.

"You've made a mess of these," he'd murmured softly, and before Levi could protest, used the edge of his shirt to rub the ink from his hands. Levi had smirked.

"A filthy gutter rat until the end, despite my best efforts," he'd said. But Erwin hadn't smiled, his blue eyes flat.

"I am not one to judge you, Levi," he'd said, gesturing at the seemingly endless stack of papers. "My hands are stained a hundred times over."

"Do you know how many Scouts died on this mission, Hange," Levi whispered. "You didn't see the look in his eyes when he realized that there was no way to save those new recruits." He gasped as a tear finally escaped, rolling down his cheek onto the hot stones. Damn it all. "You didn't see his relief when he realized that he would be dying with them, that he wouldn't have to be the one to tell those parents why their children hadn't come home."

"Oh, Levi," Hange breathed, and Levi didn't need to open his eyes to tell that they were crying too.

"I'm sorry, Hange, but I couldn't do it," he managed finally. "I have spent countless nights beside him, and never have I seen him so peaceful as he was on that roof." He opened his eyes then, and the sky was a vast, impossible blue. How many nights had he dreamed of a chance to gaze at a sky like that? And Ervin had given it to him. He exhaled. "Damn it all, there's nothing I want more than to have him back, but I couldn't be the one to drag him back to this hell. I lo—" his voice broke, a sob escaping from his lips. I love him, more than I thought I could love anything, and I couldn't bear to see him broken again.

"I understand, Levi," Hange said softly, sitting up then. Levi saw tears mingling with the blood seeping from their bandage. He scraped his fist savagely across his own eyes and sat up too. His limbs felt leaden, as though he had run for miles. He supposed, in a way, he had. Hange glanced over at where the others huddled together – all that remained of the scouts. "We travel to the cellar soon. Then, go to your Commander." They looked at him, jaw set, and Levi could see why Erwin had chosen Hange to be his successor. "Lay him to rest, Captain. That's an order."

In the end, he decided to leave him at Shiganshina. They didn't have the horses for a cart anyway, and it felt wrong somehow to transport one body and leave behind countless others. He'd found a tree which, against all odds, had managed to grow just outside Wall Maria. Erwin certainly wouldn't have approved. Hange had found two shovels and helped him to dig the grave, then had wordlessly disappeared so that Levi could say goodbye.

He'd gazed at Erwin's face, and the stillness of it made him ache. The omnipresent crease between his brows was gone now, but he'd smoothed it anyway, had pressed two light kisses to his eyelids before shrouding him in his cloak. He'd grasped Erwin's cool hands, trying in earnest to memorize the calluses and scars, the way they'd once moved hungrily against his skin. In life, Erwin's hands had always been preternaturally warm regardless of the weather; that was gone now too.

Levi only had one blade left, but he'd used it to carve bark of the tree. Here lies Erwin Smith, who gave his life for Humanity and for the Truth. He had carefully wrapped Erwin in his cloak, painstakingly lowered him into the dirt. Then, there was nothing left to do but say goodbye.

There were so many things he wanted to say. But Erwin was gone – there was no denying it. He sighed and smoothed his hand over the green cloth one last time before scattering the first handful of dirt. He'd never been one to believe in an afterlife before, but now he hoped against all hope that maybe those believers were on to something.

"See you on the other side," he finally whispered, his lips twisting into a smile even as tears rolled down his cheeks. "Knowing me, I'll join you there soon. Or I'll be in hell – and I'll be sure to drag that Beast bastard right down with me." I love you. Thank you for giving me the sky.

A year later, they saw the sea for the first time. It was unlike anything Levi had ever imagined, and for the first time in months he felt his chest flutter with something like hope. You were right, Erwin, he thought. There's a whole world beyond the walls, and I'll leave no stone unturned until I learn every truth of it. For you.

He pressed his hand to his breast, to the spot over his heart where he'd sewn Erwin's Survey Corps patch into the inside of his cloak, and smiled.