I found this chapter difficult to write. I hope no one reading this ever has to experience death, whether it be of a mother, a father, a friend, something more. Unfortunately with life comes death as Haruki Murakami once said, 'death is not the opposite of life, but a part of it.' I sincerely hope that anyone who has loved and lost finds acceptance in grief and are able to reach gratitude. Write your life's chapters knowing that they're looking down. Give them something entertaining to watch.

Best wishes, Jiji.

Konoha

His obsidian eye didn't snap open. It opened slowly, as if he wasn't really ever sleeping. It focused on nothing as he gazed into the darkness, his face half submerged by his pillow. His breathing was shallow and undemanding.

The heaviness within him pulled his face gaunt. The numbness he had been surviving in slipped through his grasp as the vivid dream marred his soul. He could still feel the ghost of her fingers running through his hair. The warmth of her cheek on his chest. The kiss she left on his lips. The tightness of her arms wrapped around him. The absence of her ached in his heart.

He tortured himself with his memories of her. The first time he'd seen her, like an angel appearing in a dark place. The first time he saw her sleep so peacefully on their mission. The blushes she gave him. The sound of laughter. The struggle it took her to get on a stool. The way she gazed out the tea shop window watching her first festival. Her only festival.

He clenched his eyes back shut trying to rid himself of the images, of the torment. His arms clung around his chest tighter as if it would keep it from falling apart.

A week later

Someone once told Kakashi that it was better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. He loved Obito, loved Rin, loved Minato, loved his father. It broke him but he was able to rebuild parts of himself, remake parts of himself from that. But this, he didn't know if he could survive this. The only thing that kept him breathing was the thought of her life force inside of him. Her life force keeping him alive. He'd never take that away. Not her. He stared numbly at her clothes in his room. He hadn't moved them from where she left them. He couldn't bring himself to. They reminded him that it was real.

"Kakashi," Gai's voice called through his front door. His fist battered on the wood. Kakashi pulled his duvet over his head and covered his ears with his arms drowning out the noise. Wave's of nausea rolled over him between the hollowness. The pain in his chest made it impossible to breathe. He hadn't slept really since the day she- the day she gave him her life. Every time his eyes closed he saw her disappear into the shadowy veil. She chose death to give him life.

He tortured himself with perfect memories from his Sharingan of her. Her laugh, the feel of her head on his chest, her lazy smile in the morning, watching her struggle to sit on the high stool at Ichiraku. All the memories he had of her. Repeatedly.

He wanted to wish that he'd never met her at all. Wanted to wish that he could've controlled himself and just remained professional. Wanted to wish she'd never found him in the bunker. He found he couldn't wish for it. To have never met her… he couldn't.

Kakashi withered into himself further, curling into his chest as if it was enough to keep it from falling apart. It was her face he saw behind closed eyes.

The way you screamed my name haunts me.

He lay letting the numbness eat at him, not wanting to feel the storm that brewed around him.

Gai kicked his door down the next day. He pulled the void nin out of his bed and sat him by the table. He forced food into his mouth and shoved him into the shower.

Kakashi sat dripping onto his bed, looking into nothing. Gai crouched in front of him rubbing his hair with a towel.

"Oh, Kakashi." He sighed, "my eternal rival. Youth has all but slipped from you."

Kakashi's worn gaze lifted heavily to his bushy-browed friend. He blinked at him, his face gaunt.

"She wouldn't have wanted this for you, Aki-chan would hurt to see you like this"

"How would you know what she wanted?" His voice scratched in his parched throat. He hadn't spoken for- he didn't know how long. "She's dead." His eyes grew wide at the statement as if he'd only just truly remembered that his lover was gone.

"Not all of her Kakashi," Gai spoke softer than he ever had as he pulled his hands away from the copy nins head.

"All of her Gai! She's Gone!" Kakashi was standing, panting. Tears threatened to spill but the wave of fury held them off.

"No Kakashi, she's not." Gai placed a hand over his own heart. "She gave a part of her to you. In here." He tapped on his own heart. Kakashi's heaving shoulders died down and his breaths became distant. "Don't let the part of her she gave to you, the part of her in your heart, die with her." Gai's words seemed to take a sledgehammer to the wall he'd built inside of him.

Kakashi broke down. Somewhere along the way, his knees hit the ground as his body began to tremble. He didn't feel how his face contorted into something tortured. He didn't feel his fingers pulling at the hair in his head. He didn't hear as he roared at the fresh pain slicing through his chest. Sobs ravaged through him as tears fell relentlessly.

He curled over as his forehead kissed the floor. The back of his fists slammed onto the floor as his chest ripped apart from under him. Tsunami's of devastation crashed through him, drowning him, tearing him apart piece by piece. He was collapsing under the weight of it. It hung around his heart pulling him down. Gravity seemed to want him to return to the ground.

"Feel it all, Kakashi, let it all out,"

And he did.

The funeral had been like the rest of them. Impersonal and short. He didn't know if he was glad or furious. Is this all her life amounted to? He looked around to see only a few people: Taiyo, the Hokage, Gai, Kurenai, and strangely Hayate. Was she so unloved? He found himself hoping that his love made up for it all. He hoped that she felt every ounce of it.

"You've lost weight," the Hokage didn't bring up how he hadn't debriefed him. Didn't bring up how he didn't show up for missions. Kakashi's vacant stare coud only see her name engraved at the memorial. Does everyone he love end up with their name on this stone?

His thoughts were numbed and convoluted enough that he didn't answer the Hokage.

"She gave me something to give to you, a while ago. In Incase… of this event." Kakashi flinched and looked down to the scroll extended in his hand. His hands shook as he curled his fingers around the paper. Kakashi found the Hokages hand coming down and patting his shoulder twice before turning to the path back to the village.

"Come when you're ready, Kakashi. I have something I need to discuss." Kakashi didn't answer he just stared down at the scroll in his hand. He didn't think he could read it. It felt like it burned in his grip.

As the day grew on they all filtered away back to the village. Only small words were murmured between them. There was nothing to say, he knew. They all offered him sincerity and the usual. He realised the only people remaining at the stone was himself and Taiyo-san.

The older man moved and stood next to him in silence until eventually, Taiyo spoke up.

"I'd never seen her happier than after she met you, Kakashi. I can't thank you enough for that. For making her happy." Taiyo's words seemed to pierce through the numbness that surrounded him like armour.

"You should hate me." He uttered, his lips barely moving. "She gave me her life. She died because of me. I wasn't strong enough." Hot tears flowed down his face, wetting his mask. He never took his eyes off her name. It all felt too surreal. She was really gone. But, he kept hoping to see her. That she would walk into his flat, or he'd wake up and she'd be there.

"If she did, she did it for good reason, boy. Don't waste it."

"I see her, she runs through my dreams whilst I sleep, to see her is a blessing but it feels more like a curse. It's like she's taunting me." He didn't know what he was saying. He rambled on as his thoughts escaped him. Taiyo just listened and took in his words. He patted him on the shoulder just as the Hokage had done.

"Let the pain you feel be a reminder that it was real. When you grow old it'll be the only thing that reminds you that she was real. That she was alive." He spoke as if he knew. Kakashi looked to him then and the older man nodded to him as if he understood.

"Shinobi don't have happy endings. You're lucky if you have a happy beginning. We have given our happiness over to the people of this village." The words Akari once told him were relayed for him now. He looked back to Taiyo as he turned to the path back to the village.

"Taiyo-san," Kakashi's weak voice startled even himself. He hadn't expected to call out for him. The older man paused and looked back to him, "I'm glad- I'm glad she had you."

"She had us both son. She always will." He disappeared through the trees back to Konoha and Kakashi found himself shaking and crying harder.

If I had known that was the last time your hands would be on my skin, I would've lingered a little longer. If I had known that was the last time I'd see your smile, I wouldn't have looked away. If I had known it was our last kiss, I would've kissed you harder. If I had known they were my last words, I would've told you that I love you. Every night I fall asleep I hope to see you there.

He stood there long after night fell in silence staring at her name. The rain. The rain is all he was left with.

Two weeks later

It had been two weeks since the funeral. Over 4 weeks since… since that day. Gai had pestered him daily and he could function a little now. He could stomach food without it spilling back out. He was having health check-ups to monitor his recovery but the void engulfing him hadn't lessened. He was beginning to realise he'd just have to learn to live with it.

He was dressed in new anbu gear that Gai retrieved for him. He didn't know what had happened to his old gear but he was thankful for Gai. He strolled slowly through the streets as the chaos of peoples lives swirled around him. He felt like he moved like a shadow between the brightness of the life around him. Unseen and dark. It lingered around him as he wove between groups of people. The book she'd given him was weighing heavily in his pocket but he never went anywhere without it. He often read his note to her trying to imagine how she would've reacted when he first told her. He had wished he'd done it in person to see her face. He wished he could've heard her say it back to him without that day ripping through him.

His body began to shake as the memories began to fly past his eyes. He had halted and flinched away from it bringing him back to reality. Civilians began to stare at him and his strange behaviour. He plastered on an unbothered look and continued to the Hokage's tower.

It took twice as long as it usually did but he couldn't find it in himself to speed up. He took the stairs slowly making it to the office only it was empty.

"He's on the roof," a female assistants' high voice rang through his ears. He was thankful that he had his Anbu mask to cover his face. He nodded and padded slowly to the roof.

The breeze seemed warmer now as spring was ending. He found himself wondering what season Akari liked best. He wondered how her face would look to see the sunsets of summer if she liked the ones from winter so much.

The Hokage was stood with his back to him as he approached.

"You wanted to see me?"

"Tell me, Kakashi." Kakashi walked to the centre of the round roof and took a knee whilst putting a fist on the ground as all anbu did. "How many years have you been in the ANBU?"

"I joined during the Fourth Hokage's tenure, so… about ten years." He tried to make his words even and stronger than usual.

"Minato's original purpose in making you a member of the ANBU was to help you deal with the sadness in your heart. He wanted to keep you close to him." Kakashi sighed quickly as his body slumped a little.

"I kind of figured that," Kakashi said sincerely. The kindness of the Fourth warmed his void chest.

"Then Minato died, and I resumed the position of Hokage, and took Minato's ANBU under my command. But keeping you by my side isn't going to help you." The Hokage turned to him then. Something hung in his gaze. "In fact, it will only darken your heart. Take off your mask." He obeyed Hiruzen's words and brought his hand to his mask. It made him feel protected like people couldn't see the darkness already in his heart.

"Ten years… Perhaps I have asked too much of you." The Hokage stretched out his hands to the mask and he offered it to him but the wind whipped it out of Kakashi's hand.

"You are hereby relieved of your duties as an ANBU, and will assume a new position."

"Yes, sir!"Kakashi fought the need to knit his brows together and tried to remain unbothered.

"You will be a jonin leader!" The Hokage smiled down to him like it was the best idea he'd ever had. His eyes flew wide-open.

"Huh?!" his form sagged in dread at the words of the Hokage.

A month later

"You wrote a letter for me," he stood at the memorial stone, reading her name in the memorial stone. He hadn't been able to come until this day. Couldn't let himself. The worst part was, they didn't even have her last name on file. It just read Akari. His Akari.

Loving her had consequences. It was dumb of him to let himself, but, it was all too fleeting. He also knew he'd do it all again.

"I haven't been able to read it yet," he admitted weakly, his vision began to blur under the saltwater. He felt too weak from the tears he had shed already to cry anymore, but it seems it wasn't the last of it, nor will it be.

"I thought we could read it together," his voice wobbled and cracked as the lump in his throat sunk into his words. His fingers shook as he slowly released the letter from the unsealed envelope. He swallowed as he looked at the folded paper. His knees felt like they were about to give way but he remained standing. His heart beat strongly underneath his bruised chest.

He slid his thumb between the two sides of the paper and unfolded it. He looked at his feet breathing in and out as he psyched himself to read the words written. Eventually, his eyes flickered to the beginning.

Taichou (She'd crossed it out and written below:)

Kakashi,

I was called in for a solo mission today. It high risk.

I've accepted them in the past without another thought. But, as I stood in the Hokage's office I found myself thinking of you. I found myself thinking for the first time, what if I didn't come back? What if I never saw you again? Whilst I felt scared I also felt for the first time maybe I belonged somewhere. That I had a reason to want to return. That's why I'm writing to you now Kashi, to tell you that I think I have finally found where I belong. It's you Kashi. I think it always has been. It just took me until I was called in for that mission to realise.

I hope you never have to read this letter, but if you do I want you to know that I have no regrets other than how little time we had. Know that you helped me heal when I didn't even realise I was broken. Know that I'd rather have risk it all for you than to live a half-life never experiencing life with you. If this is all the time we are given, then I can look back and leave having found true peace. I'll leave without regret having known your love, and to have loved you so deeply.

I am going to be my usual self and assume my loss has you 'rendered you pretty useless' as far as Shinobi go. (Kakashi laughed recalling his words he said to her). And if that's true, know that my heart is breaking for you, but, I have one last thing to ask of you. Know that I'll love you always, but don't dwell on me. I am just a chapter in the extraordinary life I know you'll have. Live life for the both of us, fall in love, have a family, save the damn world, hell- become the Hokage. Let me go knowing you'll be just fine without me.

But for now, just tell me that you like me.

Yours, always,

Akari.

Kakashi found the hot tears fell loosely as he read. He found he laughed gently through the soft sobs at parts, and found his heart clenched at her confessions at others. His hands continued to tremble until after the end. He let the weight of his grief pull him to his knees as the tears grew and he curled over slightly, gripping the letter. The pain in his chest ebbed as he let himself see the memories of her again.

"You think I could do that without you?" he whispered through tear-stained lips. "How can I fall in love without you?"

Authors note: PS still not the end