AN: Early update because I will be away from my home all day tomorrow, and I didn't want to make anyone wait until Sunday. I truly appreciate all of the follows and reviews, it's encouraging to see there are still some of us keeping the fandom alive. I hope you enjoy.

Sleep eludes me, every time I close my eyes I see nothing but him. The way his steely grey eyes travel over my body, and the way they seem to see straight through me when he stares at me during our sessions. Seeing Eric today has completely thrown me off of my axis, and my mind keeps returning to a day I've never, in ten years, been able to forget.

One thing he said to me during our first session completely stands out, and I have kept replaying it over and over in my mind, "Want has never been an issue for me when it comes to you." When he said it that first day, I bit back in anger, but his words hit me deep.

Want has never been an issue for me when it comes to him, either.

Our very first personal interaction started as an argument, which isn't unusual with Eric and me, as we both have rather strong personalities and hate to be wrong. I had been at Dauntless for barely three weeks, and in training when I accused him of bullying and cowardice during a knife throwing exercise, he had ordered knives to be thrown at me as punishment by my then trainer Tobias. At this point in my initiation , I was vaguely aware of Tobias' interest in me as more than just an initiate, and I was certainly aware of him because of both his protective and intense nature. Tobias, or Four as I then knew him, was both attractive and attentive, and he intrigued me. It angered him that I spoke up, and after he felt forced to cut my ear because of the constant goading by Eric he had stormed out of the training room.

I was left there, alone, huffing in frustration over the entire situation when Eric came back in. He called me out for my insubordination, and for my smart mouth, so when I argued back to him I was violently pulled away from the view of the cameras, and the doorway. He told if I couldn't stop being so argumentative that it was going to get the attention of the wrong people. I had no idea he of what he was trying to warn me of, so I kept arguing with him, and in the middle of a shouting match he suddenly kissed me.

I'd never been kissed, and had no idea at first how to react, but once my body caught up with my mind I kissed him back, and for several minutes we stayed in that training room kissing, caught in a rare moment where we could just be teenagers instead of leader and initiate. Eric came to his senses first, pulled away from me, and then just walked away.

I was left confused.

After avoiding me completely for almost a week, he finally asked me to meet him in his office to talk. I was on my way to him when I was intercepted by Peter, Drew and Al, dragged to the chasm, assaulted and then they attempted to push me over the side, to a guaranteed death. Tobias heard my scream and saved me, taking me back to his apartment to clean me up, and helping me to calm down. He never knew about my kisses with Eric, and when I had told him I was on my way to talk to him in his office after he had sent for me, he warned me that I must be on Eric's radar. He explained that Eric was an Erudite plant, sent to hunt and kill divergents, and even though I hadn't told a soul about my own divergence that if Eric was requesting to see me it was because he wanted to hurt me, and I needed to stay far away from him.

That night solidified Tobias' role in my life as a protector, and we started seeing each other more often. We had built what I thought was a strong relationship, until I realized that he was spending more and more time away from me. I'm not a person who needs someone tucked under them at all times now, but back then being an insecure sixteen year old girl from Abnegation, with no experience with a relationship or sex, I had wanted more from him. He was very concerned with everything I was doing, yet he kept me in the dark about his own movements. I was confused, but without him, I felt alone, so I stayed with him even though there were red flags about the solidity of our relationship.

Everything between Tobias and me became centered around Jeanine Matthews, her visits to Dauntless, and her clandestine meetings with our own leadership teams. Tobias had hacked into the leadership server, and found plans that seemed to outline some sort of attack on our former faction, but we had no firm ideas on how they planned on getting any traction on such an absurd idea, until he started observing serum deliveries.

It was all too late. On my first night as a full member of Dauntless, we all ended up being injected with what we were told were tracking devices, but they were actually mind control serums, and I was later awoken that night by my fellow initiates moving around the dorm in a zombie like state.

Tobias and I fell into place, we played our part, and eventually we were able to stop Jeanine's sim, but not before losing both of my parents, and Will. Once we escaped from Dauntless, I went out to search for Christina, and in my efforts to find her I was separated from Tobias. I was eventually kidnapped by Peter Hayes himself, brought to Erudite, and put in a cell for Jeanine.

She ran all kinds of tests on me, put me through sims so vivid that I could barely tell reality from the simulation, in situations so realistic it felt like it was snippets of my actual life. I had lost track of time, and given up hope that Tobias was ever going to find me, instead I began to accept my fate which was either to die by torture of the sims that Jeanine and my own brother Caleb were putting me through, or to find a way to kill myself in my cell.

When I was blindfolded and dragged to a private residence a few weeks into my captivity, I thought I was done, especially once I was ordered to shower, shave, and dress in clean clothes. I was told nothing about my current situation, but once I stepped out of the shower and began to dry off, the bathroom door opened and Eric Coulter stood in front of me.

I was terrified.

I'd not seen him since the day he administered the serum to me in Dauntless, yet here he was, in a starched black uniform with a blue band wrapped around his bicep. His hair was perfectly gelled, his face clean shaven and his eyes sharp and focused on me.

He had whispered that he had a plan to escape, that we were in his studio apartment, and that he had spent weeks tunneling into the air conditioning ductwork until he'd built a safe escape route to get out of the building.

He quickly explained that he had asked for Peter to bring me to his room so that Eric could have his way with me, and in exchange for allowing Peter and Drew their turns with me afterward, they would kill the cameras in his room once they saw us in the act, giving Eric all the time he needed to have his fun.

All we had to do was make it look like we were actually having sex, and the camera would be off, giving us the window of opportunity to make it into the ductwork tunnel Eric had created. He said once the door opened I either followed his lead to make it appear we were having a sexual act, or I could refuse, and he'd send me back to my cell unharmed.

I told him I'd never had sex, and he promised to not hurt me. I didn't trust Eric when we were in Dauntless, but I made a split second decision to trust him then. He was my only hope.

We did our best to get the cameras to turn off, we both ended up naked, with me following Eric's whispered commands to put up a fight to make it more believable. The cameras remained on, and our attempts at simulating a sexual act for show were either coming across as unbelievable or there was a distraction keeping Peter and Drew from honoring their side of the deal.

At some point, what had started as just us trying to make it appear we were having sex morphed into our bodies actually reacting to what we were doing. Eric was fully erect, sliding in between my folds, where I was soaked from the stimulation he was giving me in an area I had only previously explored with my own hands. He was no longer acting for the camera, his kisses were desperate and my reactions to him were frantic. The dire situation we were in was slowly disappearing, and in its place were lust and a nagging feeling that neither of us were getting out of this building alive today. A slight buck of my hips into him, and an adjustment in the way we were both moving caused him to enter me in one long thrust, tearing through my innocence.

My scream was real that time, it was of pleasure mixed with pain, and the camera finally turned off.

Eric tried to stop, but I begged him not to. Everything felt so right with him, the kissing, the touches when he was whispering instructions to me, and once the cameras were off the tenderness he showed was all real. Eric gave me an experience I wouldn't forget, he was kind, gentle, and he spent most of our intimate time kissing me or holding our hands together as he slowly swiveled his hips into mine until we found a rhythm we both liked. He wanted it just as much as me, and when we were finished we could only lie there for several minutes, kissing each other deeply, while our bodies recovered.

A knock on the door reminded us where we were, and when Eric shouted that he needed more time before they had their turn, I heard Peter and Drew ask him to make sure he didn't wear me out. The moment was broken, but one last tender kiss from Eric told me that he would never let someone hurt me again.

We dressed and crawled through what felt like miles of ductwork, that eventually fed into an underground tunnel, and finally to manhole that Eric deemed safe enough to exit. I could tell he had given this route a lot of thought, because he seemed to know exactly where to go. We ran until we caught up with the train, and once we boarded it we searched the one car that had a viable walk through to ours, finding it empty. It was then that I finally fell apart, and tried to scrub the tears from my eyes with my dirty hands.

Eric pulled me to his chest, held me tight and told me he'd give me five minutes to let it all out before he needed me focused. We were determined to make it to Amity, where he knew that Johanna wouldn't turn us away, and from there we would get the people involved we could trust to bring Jeanine down.

His chin was resting on my head and his arms wrapped tightly around me when they boarded the train, we barely had time to even register their presence, much less react. Three men, two of which pulled Eric away from me and held him to the ground while the third pulled a knife from his jacket. I reached for a weapon, but had none, and Eric's screams for me to run were all I could hear, as I watched that factionless man drag his knife across Eric's neck.

I jumped from the train and ran, and I never looked back. Eric had fought them hard and yelled for me to save myself, and I ran until I couldn't hear their heavy footsteps behind me anymore. Eric had always told me my speed and quick movements would one day save my life. He was right.

I made it to Amity, where I quickly was taken to Johanna Reyes. I was hysterical, and I begged her to send someone for Eric, and she promised she would. I was eventually sedated and taken to their clinic for an evaluation, and when I woke up Tobias was by my side. He told me how much he loved me, and how sorry he was for not being able to get to me. I was traumatized by the entire experience, watching my parents die, killing Will, being kidnapped and tortured by Jeanine, having my first sexual experience be with someone I was not in a relationship with, and then watching that person be killed in front of me when I just was beginning to acknowledge that I felt something for him.

I had no one anymore, except Tobias, who promised to be my family now. The next morning, I agreed to marry him. I barely registered the words I was being asked by the minister to repeat, I was too numb from trauma, but I was convinced that Tobias could fix me.

Tonight I can feel the tears rolling down my cheeks and I get up from my bed and walk into my attached bathroom, where I turn the faucet on and splash some cold water on my face. The hazel eyes in the mirror staring back at me are red rimmed from crying, and have dark circles from lack of sleep. Every time I close them, all I can see is an eighteen year old Eric and a sixteen year old me, letting the adrenaline, lust and even the fear of dying take over any rational thoughts that day back in Erudite.

We were just kids, forced to stop a war that neither of us wanted, teetering between life and death, who made a lust-fueled decision that had adult consequences.

We had no idea what we had done.