AN: Thank you for the reviews! Some of you definitely picked up on the foreshadowing of Tris and Eric sharing a child. A special shout out to my soul sister Lunaschild2016 for encouraging me to turn a couple of pages of a rough draft of this story into something worth sharing, and for always being there for me to bounce my crazy ideas off of. Enjoy this chapter, and see you on Saturday, where I can promise you things will get a little more interesting ;)
To say that Johanna was surprised to see me burst back into the office well before my session with Eric was scheduled to be over would be an understatement. I could feel her eyes following me from her open door, then Johanna herself following me when I threw my messenger bag into a chair in my office.
"Tris, what happened?" She asks as she enters.
"He's a freaking asshole. I get that he may be a model prisoner now, but he's just using me to get a free damn lunch and to watch me squirm when he gets under my skin," I reply, "I can't believe I had sex with him. That's who I stupidly get pregnant by? A sadistic asshole who'd rather rot in prison than just tell the freaking truth. He's a coward, Jo. He's refused to see me for over nine years because… well because I don't know," I ramble angrily.
"Well, that could be something you can find out when you have your next session," She encourages and I look at her like she's grown three heads, "Tris, he is a special case and you and I both know it. He has spent over nine years in prison for crimes he didn't commit because he was too stubborn to testify at his own trial, or cooperate with any appeals or parole reviews to get him released. There's something hidden deep within his walls that caused him to take such a drastic measure. He has cut himself off from the outside world for a reason. They've moved him all over the country, which had to even further isolate him. He deserves someone who will champion for him."
"He doesn't want it, Jo. I have no earthly idea why he even sees me now," I argue.
"Find out. You are the first person he has not walked out on. Find out why," She encourages, "Tris, if you decide he can't be rehabilitated you know I will support you one hundred percent, and the board trusts you implicitly, they know that you will be even more critical of Eric's rehabilitation potential since recommending him for parole also means having him be a physical part of Miles' life. We all trust you."
"I don't know that he's ready for any of that. He's utterly exasperating."
"I still strongly feel that your connection to him will serve you both well," Johanna argues.
"Our connection was apparently just him giving me good dick, and only I'm there because I want it again. Those are his words, part of our conversation today," I look up at the impassive face of my boss, and my mother figure, "I'm sorry."
"You're upset, and honestly if I got offended every time a prisoner made a crass statement I wouldn't have been long for this job," She smiles, "What are you picking up on from him?"
"Serious anger towards Four. Any conversation regarding Four sets Eric off, and usually causes his to lash out. He mentioned that Four was obsessively monitoring him, and had been trying to get him removed from leadership long before I was even in the picture. Four was also sneaking out of the compound for over a year, which I suspected when he and I were together, and also that my relationship with Four almost got me kicked out of Dauntless. Eric decided to cover for us when Max had him investigate, to ensure that wouldn't happen."
"Eric definitely seems to have had anger towards Four for many years, starting well before you were even in the picture. We won't have Four's side of the story where it comes to his reasons for monitoring Eric, but we can still explore the feelings Eric had regarding the situation," Johanna says and I nod in agreement, "Eric could have gotten Four into a lot of trouble for both him leaving the faction unauthorized and for fraternizing with you, if he had of wanted Four out of his life that could have done it. It's quite possible he protected Four in an effort to protect you, because kicking Four out of the faction for those indiscretions would have possibly meant the same punishment for you for the unauthorized relationship. I do believe Eric had some sort of interest in you before your intimacy in Erudite, Tris. It could have been a simple attraction, but he seemed to be protective of you, but in a much different way than Four had been with you. Did you and Eric interact at all outside of his involvement in your training?"
"Eric and I had an incident early in my initiation. It was actually an argument that turned into a rather heated kiss. He didn't speak to me after it happened, and during the time he was ignoring me I found out from Four that he was a plant working for Erudite. Once Eric had decided he wanted to talk, I ignored him and kept my distance, and then ended up getting involved with Four," I sigh.
"His distance from you after it happened would be expected from him, just imagine if a leader had been caught acting on an attraction to a then initiate," Johanna replies, "Again, it's just a thought. He also may have felt rejected when he saw you move towards a relationship with Four. I don't believe that Eric was in love, but he may have had some sort of unrequited feelings for you that he was working though, or suppressing. I also believe based on the interactions I've observed thus far between the two of you that he's definitely had thoughts of your encounter in Erudite, and not just in the crass way he keeps expressing it."
"I agree it's something we should talk about, but I have been avoiding it because of Miles. How do I discuss how much it impacted me without explaining it was partially because I carried, birthed and have been raising his child?"
"Tris, you and I both know that neither Eric nor you were in love the day you became intimate and created that beautiful boy, however a man institutionalized for over nine years, and a woman raising a child of that union could have each individually entertained different romanticized thoughts of what could have been. Eric is tentatively exploring that with you, he brings it almost to the surface then dives below again to garner a reaction from you. I believe both of you need to discuss what may have happened if you both had made it to me in Amity that day. I know you've never answered that question when we had our therapy sessions, nor have you talked about with me personally, but I believe that you should at least talk to him about it," Johanna replies.
"Agreed," I nod, and when her phone rings I make a grateful exit. I'm not sure that I'm ready to know what may have happened had we both made it to Amity. Johanna tried all throughout my early therapy sessions with her to get me to answer that question and I refused. For ten years I have thought about that very thing, with or without the knowledge of my pregnancy, what would life had of been like had we both made it off of that damn train?
While Eric was angrily fighting his way from prison to prison, it was a bit easier not to think about what could have happened. With him sitting in front of me, allowing me to slowly chip away at a lifetime of hurt, it's a bit harder.
I spend the rest of the day in my office, typing up case notes for Eric, and my final recommendation for a different case I am wrapping up for another war criminal named Edgar Hines, a factionless man who was working with Jeanine gathering intel in exchange for food and shelter.
I read over my final notes and realize that Jeanine's treatment of Edgar was more motherly than she ever treated Eric. Edgar's own testimony had shaken me when I read the transcripts, he had been caught going through one of the many large trash dumpsters close to the Erudite headquarters. The guards had brought him to Jeanine to determine if he was a possible divergent, since most factionless were in their opinions. Edgar was not, instead he was simply born to factionless parents, and he was only seventeen when he was presented to Jeanine for testing.
She had no use for him as a non-divergent, however he was hungry and homeless, so she made a deal with the young man to spy on the comings and goings of the factions who were against Jeanine. In return, she provided him the full use of a guest suite in her own apartment, and provided him with a wardrobe and points card to fit in as any other Erudite dependent.
Edgar was privy to more information than Jeanine's own son was, and one of his assignments ended up being tracking the comings and goings of Eric as well. Once Jeanine realized her own son had turned away from her, she made sure Edgar watched his every move.
Edgar was caught during a raid on the Erudite headquarters, and he cooperated completely with the investigation. He's been a model prisoner, and has repeatedly shown remorse that his actions caused harm to other people. He was young, hungry for both food and love, and desperate to get out of the deplorable conditions he lived in. He was an easy target, and he thought Jeanine cared about him.
Eric knew about Edgar, and that his mother had not only taken him under her wing, but under her roof as well. During his own trial under truth serum, he had refused to answer any further questions about Edgar, but the anger he displayed any time the other man's name was mentioned was obvious. Eric had a level of resentment for Edgar's presence, and in my opinion it's due to his own mother practically discarding him, and taking in the very 'vermin' as she called them under her own roof. She had repeatedly talked to Eric about her disgust for the factionless, yet she took one in and for the first time in Eric's life he watched her actually seem to have a motherly instinct, and truly care for someone under her roof.
Just not for Eric.
I make some notes for my next appointment with Eric. Johanna is right, even though I'm angry at him, he deserves someone to champion his cause, since he won't do it for himself.
I hear the familiar noise that accompanies my energetic nine year old, and watch as he follows his grandfather, Johanna's husband Pedro, into the office.
"I found this little scoundrel at the bus stop, he insisted he needed to see you before we went home," Pedro says with a warm smile.
"Momma, I have a report to write. We're supposed to write reports about our dad's for class," He says excitedly.
I plaster on a smile. I've never hidden who Eric is from Miles, I've done the best I could to keep his father in his life even if his father didn't know he existed. Miles has Eric's last name, which carried a certain stigma when the kids at school learned about the war. I've also made sure Miles had a picture of his dad, a copy from my old initiation folder where it had all of the leadership portraits. An angry seventeen year old Eric, with his piercings, tattoos, severe haircut and serious sneer is the only visual that Miles has of the father he's never met.
"Well that sounds fun, what kind of things about your dad do you need to write about?" I ask.
"Just stuff," Miles shrugs, he's already distracted by something on my desk - an open file that has his father's picture stapled to its jacket, "Is this him?" He asks.
I quickly pick up the folder and close it, "Miles, you know you're not supposed to look at the things on my desk," I scold and his stormy grey eyes look up at mine.
"It looked like my dad, but different," He says.
"I'm going to go talk to Jo," Pedro says quietly before exiting my office, he mouths the words "I'm sorry" and I mouth "It's okay" as he departs.
I open the folder again, and fold it back so Miles can't see any of its contents except Eric's picture, "This is your dad, yes. Remember how I told you we couldn't see him because he was in a prison so far away?" I ask and he nods, "They moved him back to Chicago recently. This is the picture they took of him."
"He looks really different," Miles says quietly, "His hair is long, and he doesn't have those things over his eyebrow, and he has an awesome beard," He traces his finger across the ugly scar on Eric's neck, "Why does his tattoo look so weird?" He asks as he crawls into my lap to study the picture.
"I'll tell you about that another day, ok bud?" I ask and he nods against me.
"Will you be able to tell him about me now, mom?" He asks.
My sweet nine year old boy has carried a heavy burden with the knowledge of his father, something Johanna and I discussed at length. She and I had agreed that being honest when he asked questions was the best policy. When Miles asked me a few years ago why his daddy never called or wrote to him, I was honest in letting him know that Eric didn't know that we had a son. I've explained it as gently as I could to Miles over the years, and he's accepted it, but now that his father is in the same city he understandably wants answers.
"I will, yes. He's someone I am working with now, so I promise you I will find the right way to talk about you with him, okay?"
"Does this mean you're trying to get him out of jail like you and Nana do with other people?" He asks.
"Miles, you are such a smart boy," I smile as I kiss the top of his head, "I'm helping your dad, yes. I don't know what's going to happen, like Nana and I have told you before we just do the best we can to help, it's up to your dad and the courts to do the rest," I feel him nod against me.
"Does my dad want to help?" He asks.
"I think he does, and I certainly want to help him. Remember how I've always said that in order for me to do my job, the other person has to want to talk to me?" He nods against me, "I'm working on that with your dad."
"Is he one of the bad guys, mom?" He asks quietly.
"No sweetheart, he's one of the good ones. I just have to make him believe it for himself."
"Can I have this picture?" He asks, surprising me.
"Let's take it over to the big printer, we can make a copy of it for you now."
Once Miles has his dad's new picture in his possession, and a promise from me that I would help him with the report on his dad, he headed out with Pedro for their normal after school homework and video game time at the Reyes house.
As I finish up my work day, I realize I'm going to have to tell Eric about his son sooner rather than later. Even though he deliberately refused to see me as a personal visitor when he was incarcerated in Chicago, and even though we are struggling to find trust in each other now, he deserved to know about the amazing life he helped to create.
Once we're at home, Miles and I worked on the report as much as we could, before he showered and went to bed. I spent a lot of the night staring up at my ceiling, going over all of the different scenarios in my head on how Eric is going to react. We haven't exactly been getting along perfectly, but Johanna is right, he has chosen to open up to me when all other avenues have failed before.
I also know that I do need to lead Eric into areas that can be uncomfortable for us both, but I believe that Eric's terrible relationship with his mother seems to be the root of a lot of his anger. He has classic signs of abandonment issues, along with the telltale signs of years of emotional abuse. Her mistreatment of him was apparent throughout his entire life, and as combative has he remains with me, the timing of telling him he's a parent himself will likely set him off even worse if we can't unpack some of the anger and resentment he carries towards the mother who emotionally and physically abandoned him when it became obvious to her that he wouldn't just do as he's told.
A young man who felt abandoned by his own mother, and never knew his father, could be very destructive as a parent themselves if they aren't ready to heal from their own trauma. It's textbook, and it's also so applicable to Eric. I need to get him to talk about Jeanine, and I need to get to the root of his anger.
Now, I just need to figure out how.