AN: Thank you for the reviews, they make me so happy to read! See you all on Saturday.
I've had very little sleep, and am on my fourth cup of coffee by the time I get Miles on the bus this morning. My perceptive little boy can tell something is bothering me, but I've not told him anything so far. How does one explain to a nine year old who is eager to meet the father he only knows through pictures and stories that I've managed to screw that up, again?
I talked to Johanna after the appointment, and she had some wonderful advice as always, but it's still unsettling. I have no idea how to fix this.
I pick up more cheese danish and a thermos of coffee, and make my way to the prison. The drive there is always my time to think, to prepare myself for the tone of the visit, to at least have a mental outline as to what questions I would like to get answers to and how I can counter some of Eric's more difficult moods. Today, I have no idea what will happen, and I'm just going to wing it.
I can hear him arguing with his guards today, much like the first day we saw each other again. Their voices get closer and when he's physically pushed into the room he doesn't even look at me, instead asking the guards to take him back.
"Eric, can we please talk? I don't believe you meant what you said yesterday, please." I beg while he's still in the room.
"I want to go back to my cell." He says to the guards, who turn to head out of the room.
"Eric, please. I am begging you to talk to me. He wants to meet you, he's been begging me to talk to you about him, I never meant for it to come out this way, please."
"You never meant for it to come out at all, Tris!" He yells. His voice is more slurred than yesterday, and I wonder if there's such a thing as a reaction to being given too much peace serum.
"Coulter, I've warned you about this before. We're not staying for your family therapy. Either sit your ass down in that chair, or we're out." The guard warns.
Eric puts his arms out and they unlock his cuffs, he takes a seat across from me and stares coldly at me. Once the door is shut, I bring my eyes to his.
"I was planning on telling you…"
"Shut. The. Fuck. Up." He growls, "You're going to listen to me today. You're going to make this make sense. You held on to this for almost ten years. You robbed me of him…"
"I came here every day Eric..."
"I said shut up," He hisses, "I have questions, and you're going to sit here and answer them today Tris. None of this therapy where you get into my head, you are going to do the fucking talking today, I want inside of your head. Agreed, or should I just leave now?"
I hate that I did this to him, I hate that I let my training go out the fucking window when I took that phone call. I never properly prepared Eric for that news, and I left him without any answers for almost a week. His reaction is completely my fault, and I need to find a way to fix this.
"Agreed." I reply.
"If Four hadn't of left you, would you have let him raise my kid? Or how about if you actually had fucked him, would you have passed him off as his?" He asks.
The shock of what he asks me throws me completely off, "Eric... no... I don't..." I stammer.
"You would have, wouldn't you? You'd have told that mother fucker that my son was his, wouldn't you?" He asks.
"Eric no, I could have lied to him once he found out I was pregnant had I been that type of person..."
He laughs darkly, "If you were that type of person? That's rich, Tris, you didn't pass off my kid as someone else's but you let another man raise him after that man sent me to fucking prison..."
"You sent yourself here!" I argue.
"I said shut up, Tris..."
"I came here every day, Eric, YOU REFUSED ME!" I yell. A guard looks in the window but I wave him away.
Eric looks darkly at me, his anger so palpable that it feels suffocating. I hate this. I hate that I did this.
"I will take responsibility for not seeing you when I first got locked up. I was angry at you, I was angry at the fucking world. I got into trouble constantly here, and they shipped me away. However, at any fucking point you could have called here and let them know your situation. They would have tracked me down. The lawyers sure as fuck could track me down everywhere I went, you could have told them. I know they work on the same team as you. There have been numerous opportunities over ten fucking years for you to tell me you were pregnant, or that I had a kid. Your own fucking team came out for my five year parole, and you didn't make a single effort to have them let me know I had a kid at home waiting for me. Why didn't you?" He seethes.
"Would it have made a difference? You refused any avenues of help! You were moved from prison to prison over fighting, and other behavior infractions! Do you think I wanted that in his life?" I ask.
"No, I don't think you wanted it at all, because at that time in MY son's life you had the mother fucker who put me here raising him as his own!" He yells.
The guard looks in the window again and I shake my head, he moves away.
"Jack didn't put you here, YOU DID!" I hiss, "Jack had no idea I was pregnant when he sentenced you. He and I weren't together. I actually went to him once you were locked up and had refused to see me, I asked him for his help. He was the one I got legal advice from when it came to Miles and when it came to you. I didn't start dating Jack until Miles was three, Eric! Throughout my entire relationship with him, he helped me track down appellate lawyers to take your case, you know all of those lawyers you kept sending away, yeah he helped me find them! Jack didn't want you here either! He and I bonded over our shared concern about you! Yes, he helped to raise Miles, and for that I am eternally thankful, but he never once tried to take your place."
"I'm so glad I could bring you and yet another person together Tris. That seems to be a talent of mine, driving you into another mans bed, right? Oh and thanks for letting me know how fucking great Jack Kang was at raising my kid, Tris." He shoots back angrily.
"Your jealousy over my past relationships is uncalled for..."
"Shut up, Tris..."
"That's what this has all been, you're pissed that I married Four, you're pissed I dated Jack, but you never once told me that you felt anything for me. You said it was good dick, right Eric? I begged you to pop my cherry and you obliged..."
"You have no fucking idea what that day in Erudite was for me. You need to stop talking about it right fucking now, Tris!" He yells.
"No, because I'm sick of it. I'm sick of you blaming everything on me!"
"You kept an entire pregnancy and nine years of my child's life from me, yet this is my fucking fault? If I had of known about Miles, things would have been different," He argues but I cut him off.
"How so? Would you have stopped fighting other inmates? Would you have given a fuck if you lived or died?"
"YES!" He roars, standing and moving towards me, and the guards burst in, "I would have tried harder to get out of here if I knew there was something for me to go home to!"
"Coulter, let's go." A guard says.
"Let him stay, please, it may continue to get loud but I take responsibility for him. He is angry at me right now, and he needs the freedom to express that. Please." I beg the guard, who looks at Eric.
"Coulter, are you going to behave?" He asks.
"Yup." He replies angrily. The guard pushes him back into a chair, sighs, but leaves the room.
"I find it really ironic that you quit trying to contact me once you had someone else to help you with my kid. Make it make sense, Tris. I've spent almost ten years being shipped place to place, where at any time your own legal team could have found me. But, you had Jack raising him, right? So fuck me..."
"That's not even remotely true..."
"You could have gotten word to me. Knowing I had someone to come home to, I could have changed!" His voices raises, but he does his best not to yell.
"How long would that change have been, Eric? You weren't ready to change back then, but you want to put the entire responsibility of whether you wanted to live or die onto the shoulders of a child?" I ask, begging him to see reason.
"When I had my five year parole, had I known about Miles then don't you think I would have done everything I could to get the fuck out of here? You robbed me!" He yells, "The people who came out here at my five year were part of Johanna's team. At this point, even if you were still in school, you were on her team. Why didn't you get word to me then?"
"Eric, I will take responsibility for not trying harder to tell you about Miles. I thought I was doing what was best for both of you when I kept it from you. I knew you were combative, I knew you were uncooperative, and I will admit that I was afraid to have you in his life once I learned how closed off and angry you had become. I believed that you needed to change your path on your own, and not have it forced upon you with the knowledge of having a child. I needed you to want to change, because the way you were before would have hurt Miles and hurt you. It could have ruined any chance of a relationship with your son, is that what you wanted? You refused to open up to anyone, you were a ticking time bomb, and how do you think that would have impacted our son?"
"So you finally admit that you kept him from me?" He asks.
His face is red, the veins in his neck are throbbing under his tattoos and scar, and he looks more like the angry instructor I saw in my training than the father of my son. He's spiraling.
So am I.
"Eric, please listen to reason. I needed you to be ready to hear the news. I needed for you to want to work on your rehabilitation and want to be out of prison…."
"Admit it Tris, you stopped trying to make me a daddy when you found a much better replacement..."
"Eric!"
"Jack Kang is everything I'm not, right Tris? Educated, successful, sophisticated, kind, rich... I'm sure he even could fuck you better than me, huh Tris?"
"Stop it!" I hiss.
"Just tell me, Tris, just fucking admit that once you found the perfect daddy for that little bastard kid of yours you just gave up on the piece of shit sperm donor that knocked you up to start with... admit it, you fucking lying bitch..."
"Yes! Alright, is that what you want to hear Eric? Yes, I kept him from you. I didn't know if you could be a positive influence on his life because of what you had become! Look at you right now, calling our son a bastard! No, I don't want that in his life!" I yell.
Eric stands and moves to the door, banging on it to get the guard's attention.
"I'm out." He says once the guard enters the room.
"Eric, please…"
He turns towards me, "You're fired."
"No." I argue.
"You told me when we started this we had a choice. I don't want to see you, you are fired, and I'm done with this psychological bullshit. You were sent here to help me and all you've done is fuck me up more. You have no idea what my life has been like, or any of the shit that's happened to me and you think coming here ten years after the fact and telling me I got you pregnant would fix me? You are so fucking selfish. I don't want that kid, and I sure as fuck wish I had of left your ass in Erudite. Write that down in your stupid fucking notebook and turn that shit in to the board." He seethes before he follows the guard out of the room.
I walk into the hallway, and watch his retreating figure, until I can't see him anymore. I go back into the room and gather my things, packing my messenger bag, but leaving the bakery box and coffee behind. The tears are steadily flowing down my cheeks as I sit and try to gather my wits before having to walk out the door.
I'm surprised when a guard comes into the room, one I recognize that works with Eric often, and who Eric has spoken fondly of. I also remember him from Dauntless, he's Lynn and Shauna's older brother.
"For what it's worth, you're doing good work with him." He says as he sits across the table from me, "I'm Hector Garcia, not sure if you remember me," He hands me a tissue, which I gratefully accept, "There are people in this place who get their rocks off by giving him hell, but long-timers like me know he shouldn't have been here to start with."
"No, he shouldn't be," I shake my head, "And I do remember you, it's really good to see you again."
"Likewise," He smiles, "The kid news is hitting him hard. Since the day he found out, we've had to up his peace serum almost off the charts to keep him calm. He alternates between anger and crying. I know you can't talk to me about him, but I can give you some insight on him, if you want it." He offers.
"That would be wonderful." I reply.
"He had it rough in here at first. When he was first locked down, he was hell on wheels. You notice how bad his neck scar is, right?" He asks and I nod, "That was an easy target down here, fresh with stitches, it practically begged for someone to open him back up. They got him a couple of times, once so bad we thought he was for sure gonna bleed out. He's been patched up by the prison docs a couple of times early for that cut, which is why it looks so gnarly now. Did you know Peter Hayes was held here too?"
"I thought he was executed." I reply.
"He eventually was, but he had won a stay, so his execution was delayed. We had strict orders to keep them apart, but some asshole decided to put them in a room together, and they almost killed each other. That's the time we thought for sure Eric was gonna bleed out. Eric spent several weeks in the infirmary recovering, and then he was moved to solitary after that." Hector replies, "He spent his final weeks here locked up in solitary before they moved him to Indy. Solitary is hard for anyone, especially someone who had as much self-hate as he did."
"Did he ever try to hurt himself?" I ask.
"I don't know. Places like this have ways of keeping those incidents to themselves, you know." He says quietly and I nod, "He always seemed to find someone in one of the prisons he was moved to who knew who he was and didn't like him much, but he eventually established himself as an alpha. He told he was happy in El Paso, but he said he always missed you."
"Me? Why would he have missed me?" I ask.
"Look, I don't know anything about you two's relationship, outside of the fact that the two of you have a kid together, and even that's news for me. What I do know is he's carried a torch for you for a long time. When he kept refusing to see you when he first got here, I would try talking to him, you know being from back home and all I thought maybe we could be cool. He did open up a little, but it was just to blast you for marrying Four. He was pissed about that for a long time, Tris, enough that it still weighed on him when he got back here from El Paso."
"I had no idea he even thought of me." I reply softly.
"He does. You're the first head shrink he's been willing to talk to. El Paso changed him, he did have a mentor there, ironically it was Bud Baker, the old tattoo artist from Dauntless, remember him?" I nod my head, "Bud had moved down to Texas right after the war, but his drinking got out of control, PTSD you know? Bud killed his pregnant wife while he was driving drunk, and it messed him up real bad. When Eric got there, they somehow found each other, and they healed each other. Bud was already on his way, but having someone like Eric there gave him focus. Eric respected the hell out of Bud, and he just followed his lead. Bud ended up dying there, liver cancer, and Eric got shipped back here. We thought he was going to be hell on wheels again, but he's kept his good behavior up." Hector explains.
"It's awful that he lost Bud, I can imagine that was incredibly hard for him." I reply.
"Yeah, he doesn't talk about it much. He's just been keeping his head down low and doing work since he's been back. He's a whole different person than the one we had in here nine and a half years ago. He's better now, calm for the most part, and doesn't let the shit talking bother him anymore. Just come back tomorrow, okay? I'll make sure I escort him down here. If I know him, today he's going back to his cell to brood, probably work out until he just about passes out, and then try to hide his emotions for the rest of the night. I'll try talking to him too, I always do. He's a good dude, Tris. This just hit him hard as hell, and he doesn't know how to handle himself."
"Thank you Hector, for talking to me, and for being kind to Eric, he needs that." I say with sincerity.
"Anytime." He smiles, "Also, Shauna is still in the city. I know things were rough between everyone after Four and you split, but I'm willing to bet she'd be receptive if you wanted to talk. When I told her that I'd seen you around here meeting with inmates she wanted me to tell you hello."
"Thanks, I will keep that in mind." I reply with a smile, "Please tell her I said hello. Here's my number if she ever wants to reach out." I pass him a business card and he tucks it into his pocket.
I finally feel like heading out, not before sending Hector with the coffee and sweet treats in case he were able to share them with Eric.
The rest of my day in the office is uneventful, with Johanna out visiting her own patients I am able to lay low and slip out a bit early to go home. Since I have my car with me today, I decide to take a drive to clear my head, knowing Miles is safe and sound with his grandfather.
I know I have sent Eric into a serious spiral, and in all of my schooling and training I've been prepared to fix something this deep, but not for something I personally am involved with. And definitely not for someone I care about the way I do Eric. I caused this, letting him hear about his son on an overheard phone call was not the way that type of news should have been delivered, and I don't know that I have the ability to bring him back.