AN: Thanks again for the reviews and follows.
I went back the next day, as Hector suggested, and as promised he escorted Eric himself to our session. Once they crossed the threshold of the room, Eric demanded to be returned to his cell. We repeated the same pattern for four straight days and by day five it was only Hector that showed up.
Eric had refused to leave his cell, which Hector was covering up by reporting it as an illness. Time was ticking away, if Eric kept this behavior up it would be reported to the parole board as prisoner refusal to cooperate. He would be guaranteed to have his parole denied, his appeal case would stall, and he would be locked away for another five years until his next parole review.
I couldn't let that happen. I asked Johanna to step in, and she accepted. On day six of Eric's holdout he was brought into the session and immediately angered to see Johanna there, and unsurprisingly he refused to cooperate. Day seven Johanna went again, and Hector escorted Eric down to the room. This time, Johanna stood between the door and Eric, and told him that very day was his last chance, if he didn't sit down with her for a session she'd have no choice but to report the issue to the parole board, as by law he could only refuse seven phone or in person sessions before it was considered case abandonment.
He told her that he was done, and that she was also fired, and he'd see her in five years. He then had Hector take him back to his cell.
When she came back to the office she assigned me a new case, one I could ease myself into since I was reeling from Eric's rejection of Miles. On this case, I'm just assisting another psychologist in reviewing their recorded sessions to provide my opinion on the interactions between the prisoner and client, much like Johanna and Jason had been doing with my sessions with Eric.
The client was one I didn't immediately recognize by face when I first saw her, but she was identified as someone who worked in the labs with Jeanine. Once the video started, I could feel my stomach drop when her name was announced. It was Cara Phelps, the Erudite sister of Will Phelps, my friend who killed my mother in front of me, and who I turned my gun on to save myself. Cara looked completely different, her once vibrant platinum blonde hair was now grown out to a more natural brown color, the celery green eyes she shared with her brother were dull, and her already pale skin had the unnatural pallor of someone who had been in prison for years.
I had met Cara once during my initiation, on visiting day, when she insulted my home faction and peered down her nose at me. She had been there visiting her brother, and he had been excited to introduce her to his girlfriend Christina, and he then introduced me as one of his best friends. I still remember killing Will that day in Abnegation, just like it was yesterday, and the guilt I carry may have lessened over time and my own years of therapy, but it didn't make me forget that day.
Cara worked for Jeanine during the war, although not as part of Jeanine's inner circle. Cara developed serums, and those serums were used to control the Dauntless so Jeanine could create her army. Cara knew that the serums were for mind control, however she did not necessarily participate in the war, nor did she personally experiment on the divergent who were brought to Jeanine. However, she willingly developed and provided the chemical stimulation weapons needed to do both. Cara loved science, which is apparent from watching this video and reading the transcripts, and her obsession with her craft caused her to turn a blind eye to Jeanine's crimes just to further her own career.
She also loved my older brother Caleb, which is something I was unaware of before watching these videos. Caleb and I were never overly close, but I certainly didn't expect to hear he had a girlfriend for the little over two years he had been in Erudite that I didn't even know about. Especially one who seemed to be disgusted by anyone who was raised in Abnegation.
Through part of Cara's sessions, I got to know my brother, the same one who willingly helped Jeanine torture me while I was in their custody. Cara had saved herself when she refused to help Jeanine any further, once she realized her mind controlling serum had been used to create the army that invaded Abnegation she halted the production, but it was entirely too late, irreversible damage and destruction had already been done. Cara had blood on her hands due to her willingness to develop serums, without questioning what they would be used for. She also never helped any of the divergent that Jeanine continued to have brought in. While Cara herself never conducted the torture sessions like Caleb had, she had provided the weapons to do so, and she turned the other cheek while knowing what her boyfriend was involved with.
Her boyfriend, my brother, never had the moral conscious that Cara had. She loved Caleb, they shared a life together in Erudite, but he was also driven by the want of power. He had his eyes on the ultimate prize - a place in Jeanine's new government, right by her side. He would help her lead, along with Max, and he couldn't wait to make that happen. She kept quiet due to her love for Caleb.
Cara's life was spared, and it's evident that the now twenty nine year old woman has regrets, like so many other people who were involved in that war seem to live with. Cara knew what she was doing was wrong, and she still went along with it because she wanted her name to be made famous when her serum development was successful, and because the man that she loved was making moves that would secure their future. She is guilty of the crimes she was accused of, and she has been a model prisoner who is completely focused on her rehabilitation.
She's a perfect candidate for parole, everything that Eric refuses to be. Jeanine Matthews left so many broken people in her wake, her quest for power and control knew no bounds, and those on the fringe like Cara are making leaps and bounds in their recovery progress, while Eric remains frozen in time as an angry eighteen year old who doesn't realize his own self-worth.
I pack up my messenger bag and lock my office, stopping to say goodbye to my coworkers on my way out. I'd been working long hours, and I just needed to see my son. I know he's going to continue to ask about his father, and I'll continue to avoid answering because I have no idea how to tell him his father has decided to stop cooperating, and that it was completely my fault this time.
Once I'm in my car, a call alert through my Bluetooth startles me. I answer the unknown number and a recording announcing a call from an inmate in Illinois State Penitentiary requesting a psychological counseling session makes me sigh, of all nights to get an on call request, this wasn't the one. I verbally accept the charges and am connected to something that sounds just like prison noises.
"Hello?" I say tentatively.
I can hear breathing on the other side of the call, but the caller says nothing.
"Is someone there? My name is Tris Prior, I'm a board certified psychologist who specializes in the rehabilitation of prisoners, and with whom am I speaking?"
"I want him. I want you. I didn't mean any of that shit I said, I was angry, and I was wrong." The caller finally says. The heavy slur of peace serum is gone, and I would know that voice anywhere.
"Eric," I breathe out.
"I'm so sorry. I want you to come back." He says quietly, "Can you just come back, come back right now please?"
"Eric, I can't tonight, we currently have no allotted time." I reply.
"Can you get us scheduled again?" He asks, "Or is it too late?"
"I can ask that Johanna not make her report to the parole board. Are you sure you want to continue our sessions?" I ask.
"Yes," He replies, "I want the sessions, Tris. I'm of sound mind. I'm off the peace serum, and apparently I have you to thank for that."
"I am sorry I had to go without your permission, but yes I did put an order in earlier this week to stop them from giving you any more. I was concerned that you were having an adverse reaction to the higher doses of the serum."
"I would agree with that assessment." He sighs, "I want to start this again with you, Tris."
"Then this phone call can serve as an official appointment with us." I reply.
"I can't believe I am someone's father." He replies.
"I know it's a lot, Eric..."
"It's more than a lot, Tris. It's more than I am equipped to handle." He interrupts.
"This is why I wanted to be careful with the way I told you. I'm so very sorry that you heard it the way you did."
"I don't know how to do this," He says.
"That's what I'm here to help with. I want to help you, if you'll just let me."
There's silence for several seconds, nothing more than the noises from the prison in the background, "I'm sorry Tris, the shit I said to you about not wanting Miles, and leaving you in Erudite, I don't mean any of it."
"I'm sorry too." I pull my car into a parking lot, and stop, because the tears won't stop flowing, "I shouldn't have ever kept him from you."
"Yes, you should have." He replies, "I was a fucking mess back then. I still am, Tris. I don't know how to change. I don't know how to live outside of these walls. I don't know how to be someone's father. All I've ever known is following someone else's orders. I was never a leader, I was a follower, and I was weak."
"You saved my life. You made a plan, a decision, and you led me out of Erudite that day. I owe you everything. You were who I followed that day, without you neither Miles nor I would be here. I'm here to help you, Eric, I promise you that I won't give up on you."
"I don't know if I can be helped." He says quietly, "I don't know that I'm capable."
"You reached out to me," I press, "I believe that means you're at least willing to try."
"I want to see you, I need to see you, and I want to know more about Miles, I just don't know what any of that means yet." He replies.
"Eric, you don't have to have all of the answers right now. You just found out you have a child, and that you've missed a significant part of his life. I don't expect you to just be instantly ok with that or with me. You were absolutely right that I should have tried harder to tell you, and it took you calling me out like that to admit to you and to myself that I purposely kept him from you when I'd heard how bad things got for you here. I'm sorry, Eric, you didn't deserve that."
"I did. You both deserve better than me."
"You don't get to decide that for us." I reply carefully, "Eric, you are not responsible for the mess your mother made. You are a good man. Please just let me in."
"I can't stop thinking about him, and now knowing that you were pregnant with him and I denied you. I could have just seen you, even for five minutes back then, and I would have known. I'd have known you and Four weren't together. I would have known you were having my child. I fucked up so bad." He says.
"Eric, you don't need to keep replaying this all in your mind. I'm here to help you figure things out, if you truly want to continue our sessions we can work through the thoughts you're having."
"Who helped you?" He asks suddenly.
"Johanna did. She first became my therapist, and later my friend, and finally my family. Had she not picked up the phone the day I called her, I have no idea what I would have done." I admit.
"Were you angry at me?" He asks.
"For a while yes. I was angry that you refused to talk to me, and I was angry that you were acting the way you were, and I was angry that you got yourself sent there to start with." I reply.
"Are you still angry at me?" He asks.
"Not anymore."
"I've spent a lot of time locked up behind bars being pissed at you." He replies, "I don't want to be anymore."
"Why were you so angry at me?" I ask.
"You married him, Tris, less than forty eight hours after sleeping with me." He replies. This is the first time he hasn't spat these same words in anger to me, so no matter how uncomfortable I am going down this road with him I need to keep pressing.
"Was it more than just sex for you?" I ask.
"Yes," He admits.
"You never told me..."
He interrupts me, "It was so much more, but I'm not ready to talk about why yet."
My heart is in my throat. He's no longer alluding to his feelings, he's starting to put them on the table openly.
"Will you tell me one day?" I ask.
"Yes. I'm ready to feel something again. Does that make sense to you?" He asks.
"I think so." I reply.
"They think I'm suicidal. They've put me on watch, taken my shit from my cell..."
"Do you want to hurt yourself?"
"No. I've been angry, upset, very emotional, but I don't want to die. I promise you, Tris." He replies softly.
"I am worried about you, Eric." I reply.
"There are definitely things I need to tell you, but I can promise you that I won't hurt myself."
"Eric, if I am part of this, if I caused any of this for you..."
"You help me fix it," He replies firmly, "l don't want to talk to anyone else. Just you, Tris," He replies.
"I need you to understand, if there's something I have done to cause your pain, I may not be the one who can help you. It may be better if Johanna takes over..."
"I'm listening to you, and I do understand. I'm telling you that the only person I am willing to talk to is you. You're the only person that I can do this with, Tris."
"Are you sure?" I ask.
"I've had almost ten years to think about things. I've had ten years to figure out whether or not I want to ever see the outside of these walls. I've had ten years to think about you. I won't pretend to know what the last ten years was like for you, but for me it had a lot to do with me thinking about what could have happened if we had of just made it to Amity. I'm willing to talk, but only to you."
"I need to be very clear on something else, if I continue as your therapist, it can be only that. We cannot pursue anything outside of a co-parenting relationship while I am professionally treating you."
"Does this mean you think about me as more than just your patient?"
"Eric, for me to continue to be your therapist, the only thing I can think about is treating you. I want to help you, and if you'll let me I know that I can. We can start your healing process, and we can co-parent our son. That is all we can be to each other while we are working together. I can help you, I promise you that, and I promise to never give up on you."
He doesn't say anything, and I worry that his mind and his heart are in two different places. I need Eric to want to change for himself, I need him to want to be a father to his son for himself, and I may need to remove myself from this.
No matter how I feel about him.
"I am not comfortable speaking to anyone else but you. I want to work on learning to be a father to my son, and getting the fuck out of here." He replies. I let out the breath I was holding, Eric just said the exact words I needed to hear in order for us to move forward.
"Ok, I will ask Johanna to reinstate me as your therapist." I reply.
"Did Johanna have to force you to take my case to begin with?" He asks.
"I had a choice in whether or not to take it. I didn't want to open us up to any threat of bias, due to our previous intimate relations, or because of Miles." I reply honestly.
"So you wanted it?" He asks.
"I was afraid to take it at first," I admit, "I was afraid of telling you about him."
"And of course I reacted just like you'd feared I would." He sighs.
"Hearing you have a son via an overheard conversation is not at all how I planned for that to happen, Eric." I replied.
"When were you going to tell me?" He asks.
"I was waiting for us to establish trust in each other. You've kept me at arm's length, and if I didn't feel like I could tell you and also be able to support you with proper aftercare I was going to hold off until I could." I admit.
"I do trust you." He says quietly.
"Thank you, Eric. That means a lot to me, and will help in our progress moving forward."
"Am I just a case to you, Tris?" He asks.
"You've never been just a case for me," I reply, "You are the father of our child."
"And if I wasn't his father, am I just a case for you?" He presses.
"I can't think like that right now." I reply.
"Tris, I'm willing to cooperate with whatever rules you force me to follow, but eventually we both have to acknowledge and admit what we feel for each other. You know this as much as I do. There's no way in hell to avoid talking about us once that dam breaks."
We are cut off by a warning tone letting us know we have one minute left. I'm thankful for the interruption, because what Eric just said is very true and I'm the one who is not ready for that conversation.
"Dammit." He sighs. "Tomorrow then?"
"I have to call the prison tomorrow and see what they'll allow." I reply.
I can hear the strain in his voice, "Did I fuck everything up this week?"
"I don't think so, but I'll have to see what the protocol is."
The ten second warning tone interrupts again.
"Just please come back, Tris, as soon as possible. I'll follow your rules. I need you." He says before disconnecting. The defeat in his voice breaks me, and I sob for several minutes before I'm composed enough to drive home.