Trigger warning: discussion of sexual abuse

The next day, I successfully make an appointment with Eric, after explaining that he had requested to continue the program. The earliest the prison would let me see him was lunch time, and I brought some of the homemade chili I had made for Miles, Johanna and Pedro. I've packaged it up to keep warm in a thermos, along with the fizzy drink that I know Eric prefers, and a large piece of chocolate cake for us to share, if we get that far.

He's brought into the room, escorted by Hector, and his right arm is in a sling. Eric struggles to put his arms out for the cuffs to come off, but Hector helps him, and nods to the chair.

"I'll be outside, good to see you Tris." He grins.

"You too Hector." I smile back.

"It'll just be me out there, whatever you two need you have." He says as he walks out the door.

"I didn't think you were coming." Eric says.

"Are you ok?" I ask, pointing at his right arm.

"Pulled something in my shoulder when I was working out," He replies.

"If you're in pain we can reschedule..."

"I went to the clinic, they gave me healing serum, and I'll be fine. I just look like shit." He grumbles.

His wits, and his words are sharp, much like our sessions before I blurted out that he had a son. If he's still using peace serum I'm worried that this session could go sideways quickly.

"I tried to schedule us for this morning, the best they would do was lunch. No peace serum today?" I ask carefully.

"No, none at all, they've followed your orders Dr. Prior." He replies with a smile.

"Good." I smile back. "I know you said before it wasn't bad in low doses, so if you need it please let me know."

He shakes his head, "I like how I feel without it. I feel like me."

I notice that his hair is damp from his shower, and I can tell he's been unable to brush it, as it is a nest of his tangled waves and curls. He tries to run his left hand through it to get it out of his face, but it gets stuck.

"I have a brush and some spray detangler in my bag." I offer, "I could help you with it. I keep it for Miles' hair after his swim lessons. I also brought you some of the chili I made for dinner last night. I can work on your hair while you eat."

He agrees, and I pour some chili from the thermos into a cup and give Eric a spoon, "Can you eat left handed?" I ask and he picks the cup up and drinks the chili, winking at me. I laugh and shake my head at him.

I grab my tools to get to work while he hungrily eats the homemade lunch I've brought him. His hair is past his shoulders, and it's very tangled. I spray a generous amount of the detangling spray and begin to comb my fingers through it. Eric sighs and seems to relax a bit, I scratch my nails lightly on his scalp, and he stops eating and leans back against me fully.

The moment feels much more intimate than we've shared in a very long time, and it catches me off guard because of how much I like it.

I take my time with his hair, gently pulling the brush through his long locks, and I continue to alternate scratching my nails lightly across his scalp, feeling him relax against me.

"I'm sorry Tris," He says, "It was a lot, and I did get jealous when I heard about another man with my family. I'm scared to start something with Miles, he won't want me in his life if he's an adult by the time I get out of here. He needs a father now."

"You can be a father now." I argue.

"How while I'm here, and once he knows why I'm here?" He retorts.

"He's heard the good, and the bad, but he still wants you in his life."

I pull Eric's untangled hair into the bun he prefers and then reach into my bag and pull out a huge folder, full of construction paper creations, reports, drawings and even short stories, "He's been doing these since Pre-K. Every time there's been any type of assignment where he can talk or show his daddy, he has."

I pour some of the chili from the thermos into an extra cup and eat quietly while I watch Eric flip through the contents of the folder, which has everything Miles has ever drawn, created or written about his father since he was a toddler, including the report he had just completed. The usually stoic former leader has an occasional tear rolling down his cheek as he goes over every inch of paper in the stack. It takes him almost a full hour, and he asks the occasional question to clarify what he's seeing, but for the most part he is quiet and reflective.

"Can I keep a few? I can have certain things in my cell." Eric asks.

"Of course you can. Does this mean you want to be in Miles' life?"

"I never knew who my father was, I don't want to do that to him." Eric states.

I open the cake and offer the first bite to Eric, who gratefully takes the bite from my fork.

"Will you tell me about your childhood, Eric?"

"What do you want to know?" He counters.

"Were you ever close to your mother?" I finally ask.

"Not in any conventional way, no." He sighs, I want to interject to find out what he means, but I take my chances on being quiet and he continues, "In Erudite, things are a bit different. Procreation is important, and expected, but work is usually put first. Jeanine was only sixteen when she became pregnant with me, and much like you she was not in a relationship with the man who impregnated her. If she knew who it was, she took the secret to her grave, because she would always tell me she didn't know who my father was. She didn't seem to care, because she chose her partners based on their IQ, she always wanted to create children that would excel in Erudite." He shrugged.

"You don't have any siblings though, correct?" I ask. I keep alternating bites of cake with Eric while he continues to talk.

He shakes his head, "She had to have an emergency hysterectomy during my birth. Which is why she was so singly focused on making me the perfect Erudite, and why she was so forceful in anything that had to do with me helping her succeed."

"She wanted you to stay?" I tentatively ask. He pauses, and I feed him the last few bites of cake to give him time to think.

"She did at first, but then changed her mind," He shakes his head, "I wanted to stay, but she needed to find a way to get in with Dauntless. So she groomed me."

"You didn't want to be Dauntless?" I ask and he shakes his head, "You seemed to fit in well there."

"She paid Harrison to sneak me into Dauntless when I was still a dependent to train me, and by the time I turned sixteen I was already well versed in the physical aspects of what would be expected of me, along with the weapons training, I was honestly unstoppable. I was in first place all throughout training, until it came to the fear sims, and you know exactly how that worked out." He spits the last part.

"He had less fears," I sigh, "It doesn't mean he was in any way better than you."

"You seemed to think so at one point." He challenges.

"No, I never thought he was a better person than you. However, I trusted him, he allowed me into his head. He helped me to avoid detection. I do think he was a good friend to me back then, especially teaching me to hide my divergence. He was there when I needed someone."

"He was there when I pushed you away." Eric says and I nod my head, "I really wish I hadn't of, but I was in over my head with Max and Jeanine."

"I know," I reply softly.

"Did you love him?" Eric asks.

"As much as a sixteen year old girl from Abnegation thought she could." I shrug, "I know that I didn't, because had I loved him I never would have had sex with you. I was raised in Abnegation, where sex equaled love, and until that moment between us I believed that to be true."

"I had a hard time with separating sex from something more too." He replies carefully.

"I know in Abnegation, we aren't given any real direction when it comes to sex. We are told it is an act of love between a woman and a man to create a child. That's it. Was it like that in Erudite too?"

"I don't know," Eric says and I can practically see the walls going up.

"You were a virgin too before that day in Erudite, right?" I ask.

"Yeah," He agrees.

"There's nothing wrong with being a virgin at eighteen…" I begin but he cuts me off.

"In Erudite, we are encouraged to explore anything that peaked our curiosity," He says quietly. His grey eyes bore into my own, and I feel like he's once again on the cusp of something. Eric puts his hand on the table again, moving his fingers to mine much like he did during one of our earlier sessions, but this time I don't pull away when he tangles his fingers in mine.

"So does that mean you had some sort of sexual experience when you were there?" I ask.

"Not by choice," He says and I suck in a sharp breath, "Tris, what I'm about to tell you is something that I haven't talked about in eighteen years…" He trails off.

"Eric, whatever it is, I'm here for you. You can trust me with anything, I promise you."

"I know I can." He says quietly. I wait for him to be ready, rubbing my thumb across the back of his hand where it is tangled with mine. His voice is soft when he begins, and I lean a bit closer to hear him, "Jeanine was not much of a mother, and she was rarely ever around. She had a nanny for me, for a lack of a better term, honestly she was the lady who actually raised me. Her name was Elaine Waters, she was in her forties when I was born. Jeanine hired her to take care of me while she worked, and Lainie did everything. She was, for all intents and purposes, my mother. Lainie was amazing, but there were times when Lainie wasn't available to watch me. I mean, it was understandable because Jeanine never wanted to be home and actually be a mother to me, so Lainie had me a lot, and sometimes she needed a break to be with her own family. During those times, Jeanine made her assistant's teenage daughter Melanie watch me. Melanie was one of those extremely curious Erudite dependents." He says quietly.

My stomach is turning, and I feel nauseous. I need him to continue though, "Curious how, Eric?" I ask.

"She was fifteen the first time she watched me, and I was ten. She would do things to me, and make me do things to her." He says shakily, "I can't talk about this, Tris."

"I promise that you can tell me anything Eric, I am here to help you, I am here for you," I say as I entwine our fingers tighter, "Were these things sexual?" I ask and he nods, "Eric, we can report this..."

"She's dead, she was one of Jeanine's divergents that couldn't open the box."

I feel numb all over, knowing that someone violated Eric when he was practically the same age as our son, "Did she touch you?" A small nod in affirmation, "Did she make you touch her?" Another nod, "Did she rape you?" I finally ask.

He just looks down at the table.

I run my free hand across the hand he has entwined with mine, noticing that Eric is much more comfortable opening up when he feels a friendly touch, "Eric, did she force you to have intercourse with her?"

"She tried, but I physically couldn't... she would try to..." He trails off, "Tris I can't say the words, please don't make me."

"I won't make you give me details, Eric, you don't have to say anything you don't want to."

"She watched me for a little under a year, until she started initiation when she chose Erudite. During that time, she was alone with me dozens of times…" He trails off.

"You've never talked about this with anyone?" I ask.

"I tried to tell Jeanine. She basically told me to grow up and to stop complaining about natural curiosity. She didn't even care, and she didn't try to stop it. The best she did was guilt Lainie into spending more time with me so she could work later when I'd be particularly vocal about not wanting Melanie around me."

"Did you ever tell Lainie?" I ask and he shakes his head.

"She knew something was wrong, but I wouldn't tell her. I felt stupid because Jeanine made it seem like it was my fault."

"It wasn't your fault, you were the victim," I explain. I'm surprised when he pulls his hand from mine and wipes a tear from my cheek.

"You're crying," He says quietly, and he seems confused.

"You didn't deserve that, what she did to you, you were just a child." I reply.

"That's why I asked who you allow around Miles, you just never know. I know you were young when you had him, but you seem so much different than Jeanine when it comes to caring about a kid," His hand lingers on my face for a minute and I lean into his touch briefly before I remember the camera and pull away.

"He's only ever been alone with Johanna, Pedro and Jack. No one else. Pedro retired right before he was born, and he's always looked after him while I'm working. I trust the three of them implicitly."

"Good." He nods, "I don't know if it was hearing about Miles, or the fact that I trust you, I just needed to get it out. It fucked me up. I never wanted to do that with anyone, as an adult."

"You didn't want to have sex?" I ask and he shakes his head, "Oh Eric, that day in Erudite…" I begin.

"Was both of our decisions," He interrupts, his grip on my hand is almost painful but I don't dare pull away, "I'm the one who came up with the plan, knowing that there was no way in hell it would be anything more than simulated sex for a camera. Before that day, something was off in my head Tris, I couldn't even think about being with someone intimately. I'd even tried in Dauntless with a girl I had been dating during our initiation class and I couldn't. My stupid penis wouldn't ever cooperate when it was a situation with a woman. I've always been able to self-stimulate, but the idea of touching someone or having them touch me made me feel physically sick. That day, with you, something changed for me and I wanted it. I wanted you. I trusted you," He explains, "I've thought about that day a lot. You were my first, and my only. I think my refusal to see you when I was here the first time had something to do with me being upset that you shared that type of intimacy with me, but then went right back to Four. I guess in my head, I somehow expected you to want me."

"I had no idea how impactful that day was for you." I reply quietly.

"Well, now you know." He says nervously.

"Thank you for trusting me with that. I know how incredibly painful that was for you to talk about."

"I couldn't talk to other therapists about that. I trust you. I also know that Miles is almost the age I was when that happened, so it made me protective of him." He replies, "I really don't want to talk about it anymore." He's looking down at the table.

"That's fine, Eric," I reply.

His eyes meet mine briefly and he nods once before speaking again, "Can I ask you something?" I nod my head, "When you found out you were pregnant... how did you feel?" He asks.

"Terrified," I admit, "I was barely seventeen, pregnant, and alone."

"Were you angry at Four for leaving?" He asks.

"When my marriage fell apart, I was relieved, because I shouldn't have gotten married to start with."

"Why?" He asks.

"Can we table that for later?" I ask and he nods, "Johanna answered my call. She was so supportive from the get go. I missed my mom a lot, and Jo just kind of stepped in. Neither Pedro, nor she had to take me in the way they did but they didn't even think twice. They became my family. Kind of like you and Lainie, right?"

He nods, "She was my family."

"Did Lainie ever come to visit you?"

He shakes his head, "She couldn't. She's dead."

"I'm sorry..."

"I can't talk about that, not yet, ok?" He asks and I nod my head, "I've got no family left."

"You've got me. You've also got Miles." I reply softly, "We're your family."

"Really?" He asks and I nod, "You have always been different, you know," His grey eyes meet mine, and they're softer than I can ever remember, "You've always been feisty as hell, but you weren't a typical Abnegation. It's like fear just woke you up, and it was something special to watch. I liked you, and I actually respected you because you never backed down from anyone, including me."

"I wasn't ever afraid of you, but when Tobias warned me that you were working for Jeanine, I believed him. Especially when I had seen her in the faction, and even overheard her speaking to you and Max about divergents."

He raises his eyebrows, "No wonder you refused to talk to me. There's a part of me that wishes I could have talked to you back then like we talk now."

"What do you think you would have said?"

"I don't know. I was too fucked up with Jeanine." He shrugs.

"What if you hadn't of been dealing with that?" I ask.

"I was working through some feelings when it came to you. Obviously, the kiss we shared after training that day was unexpected." He shrugs.

"But not unwanted." I add and he brings his hand back to the table and threads it with mine.

"No, it was wanted. I guess it confused me. You were the first since Skyler." He says and he picks up on the look on my face, "She was the girl from training that I had dated. Everything that happened with her was her initiating it. That kiss with you, that was the first time I had actually initiated contact with anyone."

"That confused you?"

"Yeah, considering the way things went with Skyler. Like even sitting here holding your hand, that's not something I was ever able to initiate with her. Every single bit of contact that happened between her and me, no matter the significance, was initiated by her."

"What happened with you two?" I ask.

"She was a transfer from Amity, just a really down to earth girl. Very much like you, feisty, scary at times, but sweet. We got along well, and we just kind of progressed from friends into something more, like teenagers do. She wasn't a virgin, Amity is very free spirited and sex to them was not overthought like it was where you and I were each from. Sky was ready for more, and I thought I was too, but I couldn't, mentally or physically."

"Did you ever think about what caused that?" I ask carefully.

"Yeah, I knew it had to be the shit that happened to me as a kid, but I couldn't tell her. We tried different things, but I couldn't get into it. She thought that maybe I was closeted or still trying to figure out my sexuality and I never tried to change her mind about it. That made things easier, and she thought she was keeping my secrets for me. We remained friends until she was cut." He replies.

"That day, in Erudite, when you and I..." I trail off.

"I just felt. I don't know if it was the adrenaline, the fear of dying, or what, but with you it felt right. I swear, I never expected us to get that far. I didn't know if I would ever make it through my own mental hangups when it came to sex, but I trusted you." He replies.

"And I broke that trust." I reply and he nods, "You and I had experienced something profound that day, for both of us as individuals, and together as well. When I left you on the train, I broke that trust."

"I wanted you off the train, Tris. I didn't want them to hurt you." He says, "It was you running right back to Four that broke the trust for me."

"I didn't want to leave you." I reply.

"You didn't want to leave me on the train, or you actually didn't want to leave me to go back to him, Tris?" He asks.

The door swings open, and a guard calls out that it's time for Eric to return to his cell.

"Is it possible that we could have a few more minutes?" I ask he guard and he shakes his head.

"He was lucky to get this time today with the way he's acted lately. Up and at 'em Coulter."

Eric stands and patiently waits for the guard to chain him up. His eyes never leave mine.

"Both." I reply, keeping eye contact with Eric. For the first time since we've started this, he smiles at me before he's led from the room.