AN: Thank you for the reviews, I love reading them so much!! Progress continues this chapter, even with wrenches being thrown at them by the prison. Enjoy the twists and turns, and I'll be back on Tuesday.
I wish my body and my brain were on the same page this morning. I'm exhausted physically, but mentally I just keep going over the progress I've made with Eric so far. I've already showered, and dressed for work, but it's entirely too early to do much else and risk waking my son up. I decide to type up my case notes, curling up on my couch with my iPad. It's only a little past four am, so I'm surprised when I hear shuffling footsteps coming down the hall.
I look up and see Miles, his curly hair sticking up everywhere and his trusty dinosaur blanket dragging behind him.
"What's wrong buddy, are you feeling bad?" I ask. He shuffles over and climbs onto the couch with me.
"I just woke up." He shrugs. He lays his head in my lap and pulls his blanket over his lanky body. I play with his curly hair and he sighs. "I was sleeping and I thought I saw my dad. It felt like he was right there, momma. Like right inside my bedroom, but he wasn't."
I continue to run my fingers through my son's curly hair and sigh. I'd been talking to Miles about Eric more often, making sure he was ready to finally go see him, introducing the idea slowly into our everyday conversation. The last in person session with Eric was a breakthrough, while I didn't expect him to break down in tears the way he did, it seemed to finally start tearing down the walls he's so carefully built.
Eric clung to me, saying how sorry he was, and how much he wanted to change. I held him while he cried, and whispered soothing words to him in an effort to calm him down. Eric has always been on the cusp of breaking through, and in that moment he was as open and raw as he's been since I've known him. We sat, wrapped around each other while he opened up in detail about the sexual abuse he suffered for months in Erudite, his several brushes with death when he was first locked up, the fights and angry outbursts that caused him to be shipped from facility to facility, and even Bud's impact on him when they were reunited in El Paso, and how he still mourned the death of his mentor and friend.
During my session with Eric, Hector had been called away, and when the guards who replaced him at the door saw Eric and I wrapped around each other they burst into the room and physically removed him from my arms. Even though he made no effort to fight them, they called him combative and uncooperative, and made a report to the unit supervisor. I am terrified that it will turn into a major setback in his recovery. He was not allowed to meet with me in person the rest of last week, and so far all of this week, and his professional and personal visitation privileges were revoked, making it so our therapy sessions were reduced to phone calls only.
He couldn't even talk to his son, but Miles made sure he always shouted encouraging and loving words to his father in the background of all of our calls. Much like his parents, our son is a bit of a rebel in his own right. Hearing his son's voice for the first time, sharing love and encouragement unprompted seemed to have a huge impact on Eric. We have made a considerable amount of forward progress these past two weeks, even with the inability to see or touch each other. He's been much more willing to talk openly, however there are still some questions he's danced around. It's easier to get a read on him in person, and he's admitted that just being able to feel a friendly touch helps him when he can't find the words. My hope is that we can move past this incident.
Johanna and I immediately filed a petition in court to reinstate his rights to meet in person with all members of his probation and legal teams and we are waiting for a judge to review our request. In the meantime, we're unsure of when we will be able to have Eric finally meet his only son.
"Did it scare you to feel like your daddy was there with you?" I ask.
I feel him shake his head below my hand, "Nuh uh, I liked seeing him. Will you tell me what happened to his neck? In my new picture of him he has the weird mark across his tattoo. You told me you would tell me about it some other time, remember?"
"I do remember, and I will tell you. I've always told you that during the war, there was a lot of intense and scary things that happened, right?" I ask and he nods, "When your dad and I were trying to make it to Nana and Grampy, we were on a train, and some really bad guys jumped on it. They hurt your dad…"
"Why?" He asks.
"I'm not exactly sure why." I shake my head, "They had a knife and they cut him, here," I trace my fingers across Miles' neck, "and he has a really bad scar because of it. It makes his tattoo look different than the first picture you had of him."
"You don't want me to be scared when I see it in real life." He says. His grey eyes sparkle, just like his fathers, and it's almost heartbreaking.
"That's right." I agree.
"When will they let me see my dad?" He asks.
"I don't know, buddy. They have weird rules at prison, but Nana and I are trying."
Miles is quiet, and he turns over with his blanket. I continue to run my fingers through his hair, and my nails lightly on his scalp, just like I do to relax his father, and within minutes I can tell he's asleep again. I lay my head back against the cushions and close my own eyes.
I'm startled awake by my cell phone ringing, and look around for it. I see Johanna's face on the display, and I quickly answer.
"Hello?"
"The judge ruled in our favor, your in person appointments with Eric are reinstated." She says happily, "I'm sorry, did I wake you?"
"I fell back to sleep," I check the time and see it's almost seven, I scramble down the hall and find Miles already dressed, watching something on his iPad, drinking milk from his cereal bowl, "brush teeth, bud, we have to leave soon."
"Tris, you aren't sleeping again?" Johanna asks. Her voice is full of concern, and I'm glad she can't actually see me.
"It's nothing." I lie, "I have to get Miles to the bus stop, and then I will be there. What time am I scheduled with Eric today?"
"It's another late one, Pedro can get Miles from the bus stop, and we can keep him at our house tonight if you need it," Johanna offers, "We will talk soon."
I take a deep breath as we disconnect, knowing that my boss can see through me like no one else. Miles comes skipping down the hall like this morning never happened, and I am part happy that he's in a good mood and also part concerned. We have our normal conversation on the way to the bus stop, and I decide not to bring up his dream from this morning. I walk to work, and do my best to school my features on the elevator ride up.
I check my appearance in my compact mirror and sigh, there's no getting out of this one. I walk straight to my office, and before I can even get my coat off Johanna is knocking on the door.
"Can we talk, before you get too involved?" She asks and I nod. She closes the door behind her and takes a seat, "I've gotten word back from the investigation team regarding your request to look into David Coulter as a potential for Eric's father. While we were able to validate that he and Jeanine were married when Eric was born, and she did give David's last name to Eric, unfortunately they were not a DNA match. Jeanine did try to say that David was his father, but when the paternity test disproved that claim their marriage ended."
"Dammit." I bark, "I saw the marriage was brief, but I really thought once I found that in the archives that maybe I could find his father. We're back to square one." I sigh.
"Tris, I expanded the search outside of the Erudite databases, maybe we'll find a match," She adds and I shake my head.
"Unlikely, since Jeanine based her partners on their IQ," I sigh, "Thank you, Jo."
"Tris, I know I've been pushing you to meet with Eric, is it too much?"
"No, and yes, but really no." I reply, shaking my head, "It's intense, but I want to see him. It's been difficult not seeing him, actually."
"It's been ten days now since you've last seen him, correct?" She asks.
I nod, "We had such a huge breakthrough, and we've had absolutely amazing sessions on the phone. I have no idea what I'm walking back into in person, though. We seem to do a lot better when we can physically touch."
"Are there unresolved feelings between you and Eric?" She asks. "Last night, on the phone you were pretty emotional..."
"Yes, but we're not acting on it. It's hard, because we are such a big part of each other's lives, therefore certain things we discuss can get very intense. Is this going to impact his parole or appeal cases?" I ask nervously.
"The parole board reviewed the recordings due to the allegations from the guards, and they found no wrongdoing. I'm not asking for professional reasons, because you know if I found any professional lines being crossed I'd pull you. I'm asking as your friend." Johanna replies.
"I can't explain what's currently happening between Eric and me, and I don't know that I even want to think about it yet. All I want is for Miles to have a father, and I do feel like Eric can be such a good one if he's given a chance."
"Tris, would it surprise you to learn that Eric had put you and Miles on his approved visitation log?" She asks and I shake my head, "Are you considering letting him see Miles?"
"That doesn't come as a surprise at all, I've decided to take Miles there to meet him," I nod, "Miles has been asking to meet him since he found out I was working with him, and the phone sessions between Eric and me have been amazing, you've heard them. They're ready, Jo."
"Yes, I believe that they are. Good luck today sweetheart. I know this is getting deeper for you, but I believe in you."
My conversation with Johanna is still on my mind as I wait in the private room for Eric. He's brought in with his chains on, and when they push him down in the chair across from me I speak, "Please remove his chains." The guard scowls at me, but does as I ask, and roughly pushes him down again before leaving the room, letting the heavy door slam shut behind him.
I slip the elastic off of my wrist and hand it to him. He puts his wild curls up in his usual bun and quietly broods.
"Would you believe me if I told you I missed seeing you?" I ask and he actually cracks a smile.
"I missed you too." He admits and I grin back at him.
"Hungry?" I ask.
"Fucking starving." He replies, "Pizza?" He asks and I nod.
I busy myself by grabbing some paper towels to use as makeshift plates, "How is Miles?" He asks from behind me.
"He's good, completely recovered from the surgery like nothing ever happened. Pedro is getting him from the bus stop today, and knowing Miles he will refuse to come home when I leave here tonight." I smile as I bring the paper towels back to the table.
"Does he like staying over there?" He asks.
"Oh yeah, he has his own room, all of the toys and video game systems you could ever need, and a Grampy who loves playing those video games as much as Miles does. I'm not cool enough when it comes to that." I shrug.
"Just wait until I'm out of here, I bet I can give him a run for his money," Eric replies before taking a bite of pizza, "Fuck, this is good Tris," he says.
I stop in my tracks, completely caught off guard by his comments.
"Aren't you going to eat?" He asks. He pulls a piece of pizza from the box and puts it on a paper towel for me.
"Eric, that's the first time you've said anything about being out of here." I reply.
His eyebrows raise, and it's obvious to me that he's just now realizing what he said as well, "I suppose it is."
"Why is that?" I ask.
"Sit with me?" He asks and I take a seat next to him and he continues, "I've been thinking about being out of here a lot more, and being able to just talk to you on the phone when you couldn't be here helped me so much. I'm doing this because for the first time in my entire life I finally feel like someone gives a shit about me, I have a kid who actually loves me, I have a purpose outside of these walls."
"He does, Eric. He's so excited to spend time with you. I'm glad you've found your reason, our son is absolutely amazing."
"You're one of those reasons too, Tris. You can sit there and lie to me and to yourself and say you come here just because it's your job, and I'll call bullshit every time. You come here because you actually believe in me too, and it's not just because I'm the father of your son. I know you actually care about me Tris, more than just this case, just like I said on the phone last night."
"You're right, I do care about you." I agree.
"I keep asking you what would have happened if we made it to Amity for a reason, Tris." Eric says.
"What's that reason?" I ask.
"Because while you're getting me to open up about my feelings, I think you should do the same. You always tell me I'm holding back, but so are you." He replies.
"You are holding back." I argue.
"Then ask me something that you are ready to hear an answer to." He counters.
"Eric, why did you refuse to testify during your trial?" I ask. I begin eating my pizza to try to remove some of the tension in the room. Eric does the same.
"Initially I was pissed at you when I heard you married him. I thought maybe there was something there between us, and maybe I'd have something to come home to. So yeah, I can admit I was being an asshole when they first put me on trial."
"Eric, I know you, there's no way you would have allowed yourself to be sent here, and remained here for almost ten years over a hypothetical relationship for us," I challenge, his stormy eyes meet mine, "Please just let me in."
"This is another one of those doors we can't close once it's opened." He replies cryptically.
"It's ok, Eric, I don't want you to close it. Let me in." I reply softly.
He stares at me, but I won't look away, and I can see him slowly letting himself relax. He puts a hand on my leg, and I place my hand on top of his. When he threads our fingers together, he finally begins speaking again.
"My own mother had been using me and lying to me. Her whole purpose of even having me was to groom someone to be just like her. When she saw the opportunity for power, she changed her angle and then groomed me to help her get that power. She wanted nothing less than full cooperation from me, and when I started to balk she killed Lainie in front of me. You see, Jeanine found out I was divergent too, during her quest to get that fucking box opened, and it made her hate me. I couldn't be controlled Tris, and when I started to disagree with her to her it proved what she had believed all along, that people like us had no place in this city, because we'd never just fall in line. She ostracized me, and treated me like I was a piece of garbage, but surprisingly she let me live, but I didn't understand why until much later. When the shit hit the fan, Jeanine suddenly had a need for her divergent son. She wanted me to lie under the truth serum, because she knew that I could. She let me live because she wanted me to save her ass and sacrifice myself if a need was ever there. She wanted me to lie under the serum, clearing her name, but I refused to do it. I could have lied for her but I didn't, I just refused to answer questions. That way, she wouldn't win."
"But you could have saved yourself, Eric..."
"I didn't want to." He replies.
He finally has answered, and I'm hiding the shock I feel, "Did you want to die?" I ask.
He nods once before speaking, "I expected to get the death penalty, just like everyone else did. I thought that dying by Dauntless execution would be easier than being afraid to walk out of Candor that day, because by refusing to save Jeanine I had signed my own death certificate," He shrugs, "I wouldn't have had the guts to off myself, so it would have either been someone taking me out, or me finding another way to end it all. It was the cowards way out, but the death penalty seemed quicker, and it wouldn't have allowed me to change my mind. I was just tired back then, Tris."
"Why did you want to die?" I press.
"I just told you." He snaps back.
"There's more there, Eric, please let me in."
He pulls our entwined hands to his thigh, keeping them hidden below the table to not alert the guards, "I should have done something to try to stop Jeanine. Tris, she was so fucking awful to me my entire life, and as an adult I finally had my chance to walk away from her and I couldn't. I should have tried to organize against her once I started putting the pieces together. I gave people the mind control serum without really questioning her when she said it was just a tracker, I should have pushed back. People died because of me helping her, even if I didn't know exactly what she had planned at first. My hands were dirty, even if I didn't know why. Tris, ten years ago the best thing that could have happened was for me to disappear without a trace."
"What about now, Eric? When you walk out of those doors a free man, how will you feel?"
Eric's conflicted eyes meet mine, "Like I'm wanted, like my life matters to someone. I've got a nine year old son who wants me home for his birthday, and I've got you, at least I hope I do. I want to be out of here, Tris. I want to be a better father for our son, and I want to be a better man for you. I feel like I have so much to live for now. I was so angry, for so long, and I'm sorry that I refused to see you. I could have had so much more time with you both."
"You are not your mother, and you shouldn't have to carry the weight of her mistakes on your shoulders. You were just a child when most of this happened. You were barely eighteen when you were arrested. The things she did to you were abuse, Eric, emotional and mental abuse. As your mother, she was supposed to love and protect you and she did neither. You never had a chance to unlearn the very behavior you were taught, but by continuing to talk to me about her, and about how you feel, you are healing."
"I want to make sure I don't repeat this shit with Miles, Tris. I wouldn't have been able to be a good father back then, but I think I'm ready to be one now." He replies softly.
"I think you will be an amazing father, Eric, you are working so hard to heal. Miles is very lucky to have you in his life."
"What about your life, Tris?" He asks, "Is the person I am working towards someone you will want in your life?"
"I am not allowed to think like that," I shake my head.
"I know you feel it too. This isn't me reading it wrong, I know you feel something for me."
I keep eye contact with him, but say nothing.
"I want to talk about it." He presses.
I gesture towards the camera on the wall and to the digital recorder I am required to take to every session.
"We can't." I say firmly, my hazel eyes are pleading with his grey ones to understand all of the things I cannot say right now.
We are cut off by the guard shouting from outside and we hear the keys in the door. I separate from Eric, gather my bag and watch as they chain him up again.
"Tell Miles I can't wait to see him tomorrow." Eric says with a smile. "You're going to be there too, right?"
"Absolutely. He's going to talk your ear off, be prepared."
"I can't wait," He grins.
The guard steps away and nods towards me. Eric shuffles closer and I pull my elastic from his hair and tuck his wild curls behind his ears, "You forgot to give this back," I say quietly.
He smiles at me one last time before moving towards the guard.
As I make it back to my car, I see I have several missed calls from Johanna, I call her back immediately.
"Tris, you're not with Eric at the moment, correct?" She asks.
"No, just getting into my car, what's wrong?"
"The DNA search found genetic matching for Eric, a father and half brother." She replies.
"Oh my God, that's amazing!" I exclaim.
"Tris, the match for father is Marcus Eaton, and half brother Tobias Eaton." Johanna replies and I drop my phone, listening as the glass shatters once it hits the ground.