AN: Thank you for the reviews, I can't even express how much I love reading them. You guys are making me smile ear to ear with each review! Enjoys today's update, and see you Thursday!
I'm trying my best to get ready for our visit today, but my head is swimming with the news of the DNA match for Eric that I received last night. With today and tomorrow being our first two approved family visits, I know I can't talk to him about Marcus or Tobias, and I also can't let Miles down by pushing back a visit that he's been waiting his whole life for. I have to be so careful, because lately Eric can read me like a book, and this is not something we can talk about when his son is around.
I look at Miles and a realization hits me, Tobias Eaton is his uncle. My ex-husband, who left as soon as he learned I was pregnant by someone other than him, is now genetically tied to the child he wanted nothing to do with.
What will happen if telling Eric about Marcus and Tobias sends him into another spiral? Will he be able to be a father to his son? How will any of this be okay?
I take another calming breath. I've been trained for this, I will do everything I didn't do before and make sure that Eric is ready to hear this news, and that I can offer the after care support he will need.
I'll not give up on him, and I'll never let him hurt again. I believe in Eric, and the progress he's worked so hard to make.
Miles' excitement is contagious, and he has been running circles around the apartment in anticipation of finally meeting his father today. He was approved to bring one of his Lego sets that he bought specifically to build with Eric, and he keeps asking me if I think his dad will like his outfit.
It's honestly adorable.
Miles finally decides on what he considers his most Dauntless outfit, black cargo pants with a grey t-shirt, and his camouflage hoody on top. He has his combat boots laced up, and his backpack ready with the Lego set packed carefully inside. He even has his jacket on now, and he's nervously pacing outside of my bedroom door, hurrying me along. His mop of curly hair is as untamed as his father's, however it just brushes his ears and eyebrows, causing him to shake his head often to get his hair out of his face, just like he's doing now as he stares at me while I tie my shoes.
He still refuses to cut it. Our mini-Eric is adamant that he wants long hair like his dad.
The drive, along with Miles' excitement helps to clear my mind. The family area is a little less stringent with their inspections and rules, and thankfully we just have to walk through a metal detector and allow the guards to search our bags. It's my first time having an actual personal visit with Eric too, so I'm pleased with the relaxed environment. We are led into the family room, and are surprised to find Eric already there, wearing blue jeans and a short sleeved black t-shirt, with no signs of chains or shackles.
He stands up when we enter the room, and his smile is larger than I've ever seen.
"Oh my gosh, you're really tall Dad. Mom didn't tell me you were so tall." Miles says in awe.
"You're tall too buddy." Eric says.
"Yeah, my doctor says I am in the ninety-ninth percentile, and that means that for every one hundred nine year old boys, I am taller than ninety-nine of them." Miles says proudly. He sticks out his hand, "My name is Miles Andrew Coulter, and I'm your son."
"Hello Miles Andrew Coulter, my name is Eric James Coulter, and I'm your dad." Eric shakes his outstretched hand.
"Did you know that Mom's name is Beatrice Edith Prior? She says she has two old lady names." Miles replies as I help him take his jacket off, and lay it across the couch inside the room.
"I didn't know that. I think Tris works for her though, very un old lady like." Eric replies.
"I agree. Mom was right, your hair is really long." Miles observes. "I've been trying to grow my hair out too. Do you like it?" He shakes his shaggy curls and I suppress a laugh.
"I love it." Eric replies.
I slip the elastic off of my wrist and Eric takes it with a smile, putting his hair up in a bun. Miles asks for an elastic of his own and tries to put his much shorter curls up, but huffs in frustration when he can't quite gather enough hair.
"It'll get there soon, it took your Dad years to grow his hair that long." I say as I run my fingers through Miles' shaggy curls.
"You have an awesome beard. How do I grow a beard? I've asked Mom but she always tells me to ask Grampy. But here's the thing, Grampy doesn't even have a beard. How am I supposed to grow a beard if he doesn't know how to grow one?" Miles asks.
Eric glances over at me with amusement in his eyes and I mouth "I told you so" to him.
Miles is momentarily distracted by his Lego set, which he enthusiastically brings to Eric. They dump everything out, taking their time to sort through the pieces while Eric explains as best as he can to his nine year old that growing a beard would come later in life.
I watch them, taking notes quite often even though this is a personal visit, and what I observe pleases me. Eric is a natural, effortlessly fielding our son's mile a minute questioning, while helping him with things instead of just taking over and doing it for him.
While they build the set they talk about anything that Miles brings up, topics like Eric's favorite food, favorite color, favorite holiday and even favorite time of year. They talk about swimming, which is one of Miles' favorite things to do, and even discuss the possibility of going to one of the beaches so they can swim in the lake one day when Eric's no longer here.
The first hour is spent completing the Lego set, while hour two went straight to playing Minecraft on the console that was in the room.
I glance up from my notepad and my heart skips a beat, Miles is sitting on Eric's lap, and he's showing him something on the game.
Eric's eyes meet mine briefly, and his smile tells me everything I need to know. No matter what happens, a bond was made between father and son today, and it's unbreakable.
"Mom, come sit with us." Miles calls out, and I walk over to the bean bags they're using in front of the TV, "here, you sit next to Dad," he pulls the bean bag next to Eric.
"Where are you going to sit, bud?" I ask.
"On Dad." He says, and he plops back onto Eric's lap. Miles continues his monologue and Eric and I chuckle at his constant energy. I feel Eric lean against my shoulder and I lean into him.
"Dad, are you allowed to keep the Legos here?" Miles asks out of the blue.
"I don't think they'll let me, bud. This place has some pretty strict rules." He replies.
"Ok, I'll keep them at home for you since you'll be home with us soon." Miles states.
Eric glances at me and I shake my head, surprised since this is the first time Miles has mentioned any exact timing of Eric being out of prison, "Miles, what are you talking about?"
"I heard Nana and Grampy talking about it last night." He shrugs without taking his eyes off the screen.
"What did they say?" I ask carefully.
"That Nana and you are working on getting Dad out of here, and that she thinks it's gonna work this time because he's not being a stubborn asshole anymore."
"Miles!" I exclaim.
"I didn't say it, Nana did." He says innocently.
"You can't repeat bad words bud. Just because an adult says something, doesn't mean it's okay for you to say it too." Eric explains.
"When can I say it then?" Miles asks.
"When you can grow a beard." Eric retorts.
"That makes sense." Miles decides, "So, when are you coming home with us? Our apartment is awesome Dad, it's all the way up like twenty stories. There's this awesome bakery downstairs that has the best chocolate cake. I get one every year for my birthday. My birthday is in August which is coming up in the summer Dad and I want you to be there. Oh and Mom's bed is humongous too. You'll probably fit, even though you're really tall."
"Miles, hey, let's slow down bud. Your nana is right, I was being a stubborn asshole, but I'm not anymore. I've got you in my life, and your mom, and I have a lot to look forward to when I get out of here. I just don't know when that will be. I've been here for almost ten years now, almost as old as you are. The truth is, there's a chance I'll be here for another ten."
"I'll be twenty?" Miles asks.
"I hope that's not the case. Your mom and your nana are working hard to get me out of here, and I am too." Eric explains.
"Dad, what did you do for them to put you here? I know what Mom, Jack, Nana and Grampy tell me, and what I learned in school, but I want to know from you."
I suck a breath in, this is not what I expected at all. Eric takes my hand in his and squeezes it.
"That's a fair question, bud. I had a mom too, but she wasn't good like yours is. She raised me to believe in terrible things, and she forced me to leave home because she wanted me to break laws for her. And I did, even though I had no idea I was doing bad stuff, I was just listening to my mom."
"Because your mom was that Jeanine lady, the bad lady?" Miles asks.
"Yes, but also because I wasn't smart like you to know right from wrong, not until it was too late. I listened to my mom even when I was old enough to know better, and by the time I finally was brave enough to try to change things it was too late. Miles, I'm here because I made some mistakes in my past, because I didn't stand up for myself when I knew that people in my life were teaching me to do bad things."
"But you're not a bad guy Dad. Nany and Grampy said so, and so did Jack and Mom." Miles says.
"What about you Miles, what do you think?" Eric asks.
"I think you're awesome. I love you Dad." He says, and my heart swells as I watch them embrace.
"I love you too, Miles." Eric replies. I can see the emotions on his face and I'm willing my own emotions to stay at bay. Miles doesn't pick up on anything, and thankfully just moves forward with his usual chattering like nothing happened.
Eric and I stay where we are on the two beanbags, shoulder to shoulder while we watch our son play his video game, and listen to him explain all of the different movements to us. Eric eventually takes my hand in his again, and absentmindedly traces patterns on it.
"Your skin is always so soft. It's just like I remember." He says quietly and I smile at him, "Are you okay today?" He whispers.
"Dad, will you and my mom get married when you get out of here?" Miles ask out of nowhere. Eric and I move apart and Miles just turns around and looks at us.
"Miles, that's not an appropriate question." I reply.
"Why not? You didn't want to marry Jack, doesn't that mean you want to marry my dad? You must love my dad, because you were crying when you told Nana you weren't allowed to see him and you said you missed him." He presses.
"I did miss your dad, Miles, I missed him a lot." I begin but I glance at Eric.
"Miles, your mom and I haven't been around each other since before you were born. We've only been back into each other's life for a few months now." Eric begins, "We care each other very much, but we're not ready to get married yet. We have to focus on getting me out of here first."
"But you have known each other for a long time, not just for a few months, but years Dad." He argues, "I want to keep you... I don't want you to have to move out like Jack did... you're my dad and you should want to marry my mom..." his chin trembles a bit and he crawls into Eric's lap.
Eric wraps his arms around his son, "Hey bud, it's okay, let me try this... I'm new at this whole dad thing but hear me out. I'm not going anywhere, okay? Whether I get out of here in a few months, or if its years, I'm going to be your dad and I'm going to be in your life. Whatever happens with your mom and me, no matter what I am still going to be there all the time for you. It's not your mom's fault that I haven't been around, that was mine. Your mom came here every visitation day, and I refused to see her."
"Why?" Miles interjects.
"Because I was a coward. I wasn't brave like your mom when I had to testify, I was a coward and I wouldn't answer their questions. When your mom came here, she did so in an effort to tell me about you, and I wasn't brave enough to talk to her." Eric says.
"Because you didn't want to be my dad?" He asks tentatively.
"No way, not that. It was because I liked your mom a lot, and when I realized I couldn't be with her, I got mad." He explains.
"Did you love my mom when you all made me?" He asks, I open my mouth to answer but Eric beats me to it.
"I loved her as much as an eighteen year old boy is capable of," Eric glances at me and I smile briefly, recognizing the same words I used to describe the love I thought I had felt for Tobias, "When I got locked up here, I didn't want to love her anymore, and I didn't want anyone else to love me either." He answers and I feel tears prick at my eyes.
"You didn't want us to love you because you thought you were a bad man." Miles says and Eric nods, "Nana always tells me that I shouldn't beat myself up when I make a mistake. You shouldn't beat yourself up dad. It was just a mistake."
"You're wise beyond your years, Miles." Eric says softly.
"Mom tells me the same thing," He replies, "It's okay for you to love my mom now, and for my mom to love you now because you're not a bad man, you're a good man, and you're a good dad. Mom says it all the time, Dad."
"Miles..." I warn and he turns his grey eyes to me, "Whatever happens between your dad and me, you're always going to be our main focus. There will never be a time where the two of us don't love and protect you."
"But I think that you already love each other," He huffs when he sees the look on my face, "Sorry Mom," he says quietly.
"Miles, it's okay to want to have a complete family. I think we've both wanted that for awhile, right?" I ask and he nods, "Now that your Dad is in our lives, he's not going anywhere. That means, no matter what happens between him and me, from now on, we will always come together to be your parents. Does that make sense?" I ask.
"Yeah, but does that mean you won't let him live with us when he is able to get out of this place?" He asks.
"It means that your dad and I have to figure things out between him and me, and that is a decision we will make together. It means that no matter what he and I decide, you will always be our number one priority." I reply.
"What if I want Dad to live with us?" He asks.
"Like every other decision, it's something we will take into consideration when we make it." I reply.
"Miles, were you upset when Jack moved out?" Eric asks, catching me off guard.
"Yeah," he nods, "I told Mom then that I didn't want him to leave."
"Was she able to work something out to make it a bit easier for you?" Eric asks.
Miles looks thoughtful for a moment, "Yeah, she made sure that Jack and me spent time together still. She even went with us sometimes. It was cool when he got his apartment too because I got to hang out over there with him. Oh and we got to go places too..." he trails off and I swear I can see the lightbulb moment, "You don't want to hurt my feelings if you guys break up like Mom and Jack did."
"There's the Erudite in him," Eric says with a chuckle.
"Dad, I don't go to Erudite elementary, I go to Candor," Miles says with exasperation, "Erudite is our rival."
Eric chuckles again and I can't help but join him.
"I get it now, it's adult stuff," Miles adds as he scampers off of Eric's lap. Eric looks at me with a smile and I sigh heavily. Once again, Miles' attention is drawn to something else, and he runs over to the large shelf across the room to look for a board game for us to play.
"I hope that was okay," Eric says quietly, once he is sure that Miles is out of earshot.
"I'm so sorry, I had no idea he was going to say any of that, it's not something he's even asked me. I didn't want this visit to be uncomfortable for either of you."
"It's fine, Tris. He's nine, and he's curious just like we are. Our curiosity made him, you know?" He smirks and nudges my shoulder, and I bury my face in my hands, "You're blushing." He laughs.
"I can't believe he brought up all of the love stuff, especially about when we made him, you handled that extremely well." I finally say.
"I think I confused love and lust back then, like we talked about before. I was mad at you for choosing to stay with Four instead of wanting to be with me."
I'm trying to be careful to not react to his mention of Tobias, "I didn't know there was choice to be made. I was conflicted too, because after what happened in Erudite I felt something for you that I didn't expect. As an adult, I know it wasn't love." I reply softly.
"No, it wasn't love, not back then at least," Eric replies just as softly, "But he's definitely perceptive to the nature of things now."
"Eric, we have to focus on your case, and on making sure whatever we do doesn't hurt him, you heard him," I reply quietly, "He already has his heart set on us being together."
Eric reaches for my hand and threads our fingers together, "My heart is set on that too."
I pull my hand back, and I can see the disappointment pass quickly on Eric's face before he schools his features.
"Eric, I need you to know that no matter what happens, you and I will be in each other's lives. We will raise our son and be the best coparents we can be. You have to understand that I can make no promises outside of that," I explain, keeping my eye on Miles across the room.
"My relationship with my son is separate from my relationship with you," He replies quietly.
"Since this is a personal visit, I can speak a little more freely, and I need you to know that I'm so confused right now. I know lines are becoming blurred with you and me, and I can't let anything that I may or may not be feeling for you personally impact our case," I finally say.
"Tris, I'm not asking you for anything more, at least not right now. I know our focus is our son and getting me home to him," He replies, "You know there's something here between us, and I understand why you're being careful when we're being recorded for the case."
"Its not just the recording," I blurt, and when my eyes jerk up to his I can see the hurt in them, "Eric, I didn't mean that."
"I can tell that you have something heavy weighing on your mind today. I also know you well enough to know that whatever it is, we can't talk about it in front of our son. I understand Tris," He replies. His eyes are stormy and he's giving absolutely nothing away. My stomach is once again in knots, but before either of us can say another word Miles brings an old game called Pictionary to the table and calls us over. We proceed to play until a guard knocks on our door and politely tells us that Miles and I need to say our goodbyes so he can escort us back out so we can leave for the day.
Eric picks Miles up and gives him a bear hug, and Miles face is split with a huge grin. He kisses his dad and hugs him again tightly before he runs off to get his coat on. Eric turns to me, and he gestures towards his hair with a grin. I once again take his hair down from the elastic, and lightly scratch my nails on his scalp as I bring his messy waves back down from the bun. He leans towards me, and whispers in my ear.
"You and Miles give me hope."
"That's a good thing." I reply.
"It's terrifying." Eric sighs. Miles runs over and jumps on Eric again, and the two embrace one more time.
"Bye Dad, I love you." Miles says.
"I love you too bud." Eric replies and he holds onto his son tightly while he tries to regain his composure.
"Are you sad?" Miles asks curiously.
"I'm the happiest I've ever been, Miles. Having you here, and having your love makes me whole." Eric replies tearily.
"I'm happy too Dad, I've wanted to see you for forever. We are finally a real family."
My own tears escape and I quickly wipe them away. After Eric sets Miles down, he leans towards me and whispers, "Miles first, us second. I promise you, I do understand, take whatever time you need with this. Whatever is going through that head of yours, we've got this."
"Thank you," I reply, giving his hand a squeeze. He nods once before Miles and I follow the guard from the room.