AN: Thank you as always for the reviews, I love hearing your thoughts on the story. More development here, hope you enjoy and see you all Tuesday.
Normally, I love snowy days, but the heavy snow we've had all last night and today makes the cold air feel like it's seeping into my bones. It doesn't help that I'm still having issues sleeping, or that I'm starting to feel the telltale signs of some sort of illness kicking in. Since the snow was so terrible, and he knows I've been under the weather, Pedro was kind enough to pick Miles up and drive him to school so I could take my time getting ready for my morning session with Eric.
It's been almost two months now since Eric and Miles first met, and they've spent every Saturday and Sunday visiting together. Just yesterday, Eric helped him with a diorama project of the planets, letting me rest on the comfortable couch in the family room. He has also been able to start calling Miles, so they're often chatting away on their every other evening calls as well.
We were also allowed to visit during Eric's daily personal visitation while Miles was out of school for Christmas break. We finally got to spend Christmas Day together, even if it was in the prison family room it was still the first holiday that Eric and Miles could be together. I brought a homemade meal to share, and we were all able to exchange gifts. Both of them had agreed to make something for each other, so Eric had drawn Godzilla for Miles using colored pencils. The drawing was so intricate that both Miles and I exclaimed when we saw it. Neither of us knew just how talented Eric was. Miles had made Eric his own book, where he wrote stories about his dad and drew pictures for him as well. Eric loved it. I couldn't be more pleased with the progress he's made as a father to his son.
I had a memory book made, approved by the prison as something Eric could keep in his cell. It had pictures of Miles and me over the years, and some memories I had hand written to share with him. It was the best way I could think of to help fill in the gaps of missed time for Eric, and I could tell he was moved by the gift.
Eric's gift to me was completely unexpected, he had used charcoal pencils and drawn the huge tree that was a central gathering hub in Amity, reminding me of the place that both of had wished we had the chance to make our home ten years ago. I had both pictures framed, Miles' picture hangs proudly in his playroom and the tree is now displayed on my bedroom wall. It's the first thing I see every morning, and it makes me think of the life that I am becoming less afraid to start building with Eric.
Eric has also been true to his word, concentrating on his forward momentum and not getting lost in the negativity of his past. He has been focused on his healing, and he spends a lot of our sessions reflecting on the choices he's made, and how the person he is today would handle the same situations. He's still not yet ready to make a decision regarding Tobias, and building any type of relationship with him, but I know it remains in the back of his mind.
He's also giving me time and space to process the complicated feelings I have for him. Eric and I both know that there is something serious that is developing between us, but we also know that we have to keep any actual relationship under wraps until I am no longer treating him. I'm terrified of what I feel, and I also worry constantly that Eric's fixation on me is a reaction from the abuse he suffered. I was the only person Eric has been able to have a natural intimate connection with, but once he is out of prison he could have anyone he wants.
What if he views me as his savior the same way I once viewed Tobias as mine?
I check my appearance in the mirror, knowing that no amount of makeup is going to disguise how I'm feeling, so I don't bother with it, and make a mental note to stop by the clinic after my session with Eric today. I've been hoping that it's just a cold, but with the pain and pressure in my head and ears, and my chills and sore throat today I'm pretty sure I've picked up something from the prison.
I bundled up, grab the hot breakfast sandwiches I preordered, along with coffee and Eric's newfound favorite cheese danish. I decided to take the train over to the prison instead of driving, to give myself time to rest a bit.
Once I'm in the room, I wrap my hands around the coffee thermos to warm them and soon I see a guard bring Eric in. I smile weakly at him, and he furrows his brow at me, waiting until the guard has left before moving to sit next to me.
"Tris, you should have cancelled," He presses a hand to my forehead, "You've definitely got a fever."
"I'll be fine. I'll probably go to the clinic after our appointment," I reply in a bit of a scratchy voice and a cold chill passes through me.
Eric slips his prison jacket off, leaving him just in his uniform scrub top. He drapes the jacket over me, and I slip my arms in, relishing in his warmth, "Not probably Tris, you definitely need to go see a doctor,"
"Thank you." I reply when I'm snuggled into his warm jacket.
"I knew you weren't feeling well yesterday when you dozed off on the couch. Is Miles feeling ok?" He asks and I nod.
"Yeah, but I did have Pedro take him to school today, and he mentioned keeping him there with them until I'm feeling better. I don't want to pass whatever this is to him. Enough about me though," I pass an elastic to him, his coffee, danish, and his breakfast sandwich, "Bacon, egg, cheese on an everything bagel."
Eric eats, but he watches as I just pick at my food, "Tris, I want you here, but if you need time off to rest I promise you I will talk to Johanna."
"I must really look bad for you to be willing to cooperate with someone else," I smirk at him and he smiles.
"You always look beautiful. I can just tell that you're sick," He replies.
"Do you remember how sick you were during the sims part of training?" I ask.
"Oh when I had to administer yours?" He asks and I nod, "Yeah, I had the flu. I just didn't want Four to be alone with you. Didn't you ever notice how often I would insert myself into your training?" He smirks.
"Oh I definitely noticed." I smile back at him, "Even coming to work sick as shit, anything you could do to make sure I was never alone with him. You're just as stubborn as me, so I don't want to hear it."
"Yeah, I looked kind of like you do right now when I went to work with the flu." He retorts.
"You looked like shit," I counter and he smirks at me and raises his eyebrows, "Oh.. you asshole," I mock pout.
"I still think you're perfect." He tucks my messy hair behind my ears, "What's on the agenda today?" He asks.
"Happy things, I hope. What's something that stands out from your childhood, maybe a memory that makes you smile?"
"Buster," He replies with a smile, "Lainie had this dog, Buster Brown she called him, he was an English Springer Spaniel. Jeanine never let me have a dog, she said they were filthy, but Lainie had Buster. He was such a good dog. We'd take him everywhere with us, like to the park, restaurants, even the library. No one could say shit to Lainie, that dog was her child and she treated him as such." He laughs.
"The library, really?" I ask with a smile.
"Oh yeah. She would just walk us both right in, like we were both her grandkids or whatever. I don't think many in Erudite would have the balls to stand up to Lainie." He smiles at the memory, "Does Miles have a dog?"
I shake my head, "No. Apartment living keeps our options low for a suitable dog, that along with my work schedule being a bit unpredictable. He wants one, but I'm just waiting for the right time."
"Maybe that's something we can work on when I'm out of here?" He asks and I nod, "I can add it to the list of family stuff we're doing once I'm home." He grins at me and I can't help but smile back. I love this side of Eric, while we do have conversations that bring up a quite painful past for him, he's stopped shutting down and allowing himself to heal. He told me two months ago that he wanted to start feeling, and he's proven that every day since then, "We'd take day trips to the beaches on the lakes in the warm weather. Buster loved the water too." He reminisces, "I can't wait to take Miles there when I'm out."
"Lainie took good care of you," I smile and he smiles back.
"Yeah, she was very much grandmother-like. I can imagine it's a similar situation as Johanna and Pedro are to Miles. She was someone who stepped in when she didn't have to. Did you know that she tried to take me away from Jeanine?"
I nod my head, "I saw that in your records as well. Would you have wanted her to succeed?"
"As an adult, I can look back and say I should have wanted that, but as a kid I didn't. I loved Jeanine, you know that unconditional love that a kid feels for their parent, and all I wanted was to have the relationship that I had with Lainie with my mother. I even wished that maybe one day my father would swoop in and we'd be a family. I remember as a kid some official looking people interviewing me under the child dosage of truth serum about my relationship with my mother and I lied to them... I think that was the first time I figured out I could lie under truth serum," He trails off, then looks at me, "You've seen them, haven't you?"
I nod, "I have." I reply in a hoarse voice.
"I was a fucked up kid." He sighs.
"No, you were a good kid, being influenced by fucked up adults." I argue.
"You really believe that?" He asks.
"I do, and I am hopeful that one day you will believe it too." I reply.
"Can we talk about something else?" He asks and I nod.
"I'd not seen you the entire time I was in Erudite until that day in your apartment, what were you doing?" I ask.
"Building a tunnel," He grins, "Mapping an escape route."
"You'd mentioned before it was your way of escaping if things went wrong," I prod.
He nods, "That was definitely why I started it. I'd planned my own escape. I wanted out, and I wanted to bring Jeanine down for whatever she had planned. But, I also wanted as much information as I could get. My own mother didn't trust me, she even brought a factionless in to live with her and watch me. I was so pissed when I found that shit out Tris."
"Could you tell me why you were so angry?" I ask.
"She all of a sudden seemed to give a shit about someone other than herself. She gave him a room in her own apartment, food, clothes, he had a keycard to get all over the compound. She treated him like he was her own kid, and she just shit on me all the time."
"Did it make you mad that Edgar knew more than you did?" I ask. His grey eyes bore into me, and I can see anger pass through his features.
"How'd you know his name, Tris?" He asks in a low voice.
I pause, realizing my mistake. I let my guard down, and he caught it.
"Trial transcripts," I reply vaguely.
"Do not lie to me," Eric growls.
"Do not talk to me like that. You're not my leader anymore, you're my boyfriend," I reply angrily, and his eyebrows raise, making me realize what I said.
"Interesting," he murmurs.
"Eric." I warn. My eyes plead with him to just move on, we can't have this conversation, not right now, and definitely not while being monitored. He scoots towards me, and I try to move away but he nods towards the corner.
"Baby, relax. The camera is gone," He whispers softly in my ear, so that the digital audio recorder won't pick up on him. I look to where's he's gesturing. He's right, the camera has been completely removed from the room, leaving exposed wires, "Audio only," He says softly and I nod. He stays where he's at, so close I can feel his warm breath on my neck. When he turns towards me, he brushes my hair away from my face, and I feel myself leaning towards him.
"You're going to get sick," I say lamely as I move away from him.
He takes a deep breath, then finishes eating his breakfast sandwich and takes a few sips of his coffee. His eyes never leave me, even when I look down at my own mostly uneaten food I can feel him watching me.
"You need to eat," He says quietly and I nod my head, "I'm sorry for getting angry. Was he one of your cases? I know he got approved for parole."
"You know I can't talk about my other cases, Eric," I reply, meeting his eyes. He stares at me for several seconds and somehow seems to get what I am trying to convey for the second time in this already tense conversation.
"His hands were dirtier than mine," He finally says, "But I get why he did the things he did. Being hungry and scared must be awful. Back when I was a leader, Johanna frustrated me with her inability to turn anyone away. I looked at everything as being so black and white, almost like Candor did with the law. I felt like people were factionless for a reason and they didn't deserve basic human decency. I was a fucked up person."
"Past tense," I say quietly before coughing hard, Eric puts his arm around me and pulls me to his chest. We stay like that for a while, Eric with an arm around me, and me relishing in the natural warmth of his body.
"Was I stupid for always believing my father would magically show up one day and actually want me?" He asks.
"No. You were a child who desperately wanted to know his father." I rasp.
"Just like Miles." He murmurs.
"Just like Miles. You're giving him the life you weren't able to have, you know? You should think of it that way."
I feel his nod, "Do you miss your parents, Tris?" He asks. He must feel my body tense, but he just holds me closer, "I know that was a stupid question. Your dad was a great man. He was smart, fair, and a genuinely kind person."
"Why didn't you ever try to warn him about the war?" I finally ask and Eric sighs, but says nothing, "Why, Eric? You had figured out what she was going to do, she testified that you had tried talking her out of it several days before she kicked off the program. Why?"
Eric lets me pull away from him this time, and I turn so I can look at him. His face is conflicted, and I'm familiar enough with him at this point in our sessions to know he's trying to avoid me.
"Tell me the truth. I deserve to know," I press.
"I did find out she planned on invading Abnegation, but there was no logical plan in my mind for how she was going to do it. I had no idea the serum was a mind controlling one, I was told they were trackers in case our soldiers were ever in a dire situation and needed backup. That explanation made perfect sense to me Tris, Dauntless had been working with Erudite to develop that type of device well before I had even made it into leadership. Chaney and I were even on the project team for that, we worked with Erudite to develop and test it. When I confronted Jeanine about the invasion plans, she explained it in a way that made sense to me. She didn't believe that one faction should control the government the way they did, and she told me she planned on forcing their hand a bit, and that the invasion plans were just a backup," He trails off.
"Forcing their hand how?" I ask.
"A vote, if all of Dauntless voted with her and she could swing Candor, it would force a review of the structure of the government. I knew Dauntless was a shoe in, and of course Erudite, and she convinced me that Jack's team was on board as well. It wasn't a coup, she told me it was going to be a fair process."
"You believed her?" I ask incredulously, "Even though you had found her invasion plans, you still believed her?"
"She said that was only the backup plan, and since logically there was absolutely no way she could have accomplished an invasion, I believed her," He admits quietly.
I suck in a breath and it causes me to go into another coughing spasm. Eric tries to put his arms around me and I push him away, stand and walk away from him. I pace around the room, trying to catch my breath while he watches me. He moves to stand and I gesture for him to stay away.
"You had this inside knowledge, that there was absolutely a backup plan in place to force cooperation if a peaceful solution couldn't be arranged, and you sat on it?" I finally ask.
"I never thought she could pull something like that off. How in the world was she going to get our entire faction to cooperate?" He asks.
"With the fucking serums you helped administer!" I shout, but my voice barely comes out, "You are one of the most brilliant people I've ever known, and you're going to tell me you never once put two and two together, Eric? You knew she had a backup plan to invade another faction if she didn't get her way and you didn't think that was important enough information to take to someone? To Jack? To my father?"
"Marcus was on her side, I'd seen him in the building enough to know they were working together. She insinuated that Jack and she were in negotiations too, he was a brand new young leader back then so I thought it was plausible. I had no idea who was working with her Tris. What would have happened if I went to someone like Marcus, believing he would want to stop any efforts of a coup attempt on his faction, and he went back to her?"
"You protected yourself," I accuse, "But you couldn't protect the actual faction who was the target of Jeanine's ire?"
"I had already made enough ripples that she started the fucking program early!" He shouts. The guard comes into the room and looks at me.
"We're fine," I say and he leaves the room.
"Tris, I have replayed those few days over and over repeatedly ever since everything happened. I've thought of every scenario, and beat myself up for years. I didn't know who, if anyone, I could trust. It wasn't a matter of protecting myself, I also wanted to protect my faction. I was eighteen years old, trying to talk my own mother out of becoming a monster. I did begin to see her crack, I knew she had the backup plan, and I did suspect she was going to do something incredibly drastic to get what she wanted. I put two and two together when it was entirely too late."
"My parents died…" I choke out, "They died because their own son worked against them, and because there were so many others in that faction who decided that power was more important than people, and so many others who just shut up and did whatever they were told," I can't stop the tears from flowing and Eric does stand, he reaches for me and pulls me back to the table, where he wraps me in his strong arms, "These sessions are for you, I need to…" I croak out, sobs overtaking me.
"You need to let it out. These sessions are for both of us," He says quietly, "I'm sorry I didn't figure it out sooner…"
"No," I interrupt, "I shouldn't have accused you..."
"I wasn't a good man back then. I wasn't even a man. I was a kid, trying way too hard to be a respected adult, and looking to the wrong people for approval. I would make completely different decisions now." He presses a kiss to my head, and for a moment it feels like the train to Amity, to an unknown future for the two of us, "I should have said something, but I just did whatever I was told."
"Tobias and I had the same issue. He had hacked into the leadership server and pieced together information from those same plans. Neither of us could figure out any way she could have pulled off an invasion using Dauntless. There's no way in hell our people would have done that, willingly. I shouldn't have gotten angry at you for not going to my father or Jack, because we didn't either. We saw a serum delivery one day and it clicked, but it was already too late." I admit.
"He's a lot smarter than I give him credit for," Eric admits quietly, "I wish he and I could have been on the same team back then."
"You have a chance to be on the same one now, if you wanted that."
"I don't know how any of that will work. Besides, it's a decision we will need to make together." He replies.
"Eric, I don't need to be involved..."
"Yes, you absolutely do need to be involved. You are the mother of my son, and you are also part of any decision I make moving forward, Tris. The history you have with him has a definite bearing on any relationship I may try to build with him, or any relationship he has with our son." Eric explains.
"No, I shouldn't be a part of this. The relationship you build with him should be separate from me, I don't want to hold you back." I argue and begin to cough again. He holds me closer until it subsides.
"I'm holding me back, Tris. You and Miles are what's important in my life, not him. We will talk about it once you're feeling better, and make the decision together." He says and I nod against him.
We sit like this for several minutes in silence, and even when the guard looks in on us and sees us wrapped around each other, he just looks away. It seems as if some sort of truce has been made on their end as well, to allow Eric and me the type of therapy we need to make the necessary progress to get him out of prison, as long as we don't cross any professional lines. Eric keeps his arms around me, and I shiver involuntarily, I'm just so damn cold. I don't realize I'd fallen asleep until that same guard is in the room with us, and quietly speaking to Eric, who is trying not to wake me.
"What's going on?" I rasp.
"I had him call Johanna, she's on her way to pick you up," Eric says once I'm awake.
"Thank you, I'm so sorry," I try to move away from Eric, but feel lightheaded, and he pulls me closer.
"It's ok Miss Prior, you can stay here until Mrs. Reyes gets here. He can stay with you," He replies with a smile before leaving the room.
"I've got you Tris, you can rest now, you're not alone anymore, I'll be here, always," Eric says before pressing his lips to the top of my head.
I shouldn't be doing this, but I somehow can't pull myself away from him. I can't fight my drooping eyelids, and the warmth and protection from his strong arms lulls me back to sleep.