Where Is My Mind?
It was only a dream. Nothing more.
Elsa opened her eyes and woke up from her sleep. Her head was feeling oddly fuzzy and it ached slightly. Almost as if someone had been poking around in it the night before. Still, routine and muscle memory guided her actions, so she swung her legs out of bed and sat up with her back straight, already expecting her guest.
A minute later, at exactly eight o'clock, the door to her room opened and in walked a scientist wearing a lab coat.
"Please get ready," the scientist said, looking at a datapad as he walked towards a desk near Elsa's bed. "Testing will begin shortly."
Though he wore a set of tech goggles and a mask over his face, Elsa identified the scientist easily enough by the nametag on the breast pocket of his lab coat. He was Doctor Ishtar, Matilda's head scientist.
"My head hurts," Elsa said quietly. "May I have some water, please?"
"We must complete a series of tests first," Ishtar said, setting down his datapad as he sat on the chair. "Do not hinder or delay."
Elsa rubbed her temples, alleviating some of the tension headache there. She didn't know it, but her memory had been reset again last night following one lengthy session of FMR therapy. Elsa was now sixteen, and the past four years since her resurrection had been spent in captivity at VanirCorp, being routinely poked and prodded for study.
Ishtar handed Elsa a wooden puzzle cube that held three by three grid of colored squares on each face. "Cognitive function test," he said. "Solve the cube, Elsa."
Elsa shut her eyes for a second and shook her head, feeling her headache ease off somewhat. Picking up the puzzle cube, she manipulated the sections, turning each one on its axis until the colored squares matched with each other on all the faces. She didn't know how or why she had been able to solve it so easily, for she had no memory of such a thing. Then again, she was being subconsciously guided by some repetitive pattern she wasn't quite aware of yet.
"That'll do" Ishtar took back the puzzle cube when Elsa finished solving it. "Moving on to higher order representation formation. Initiating test."
"What are these tests for?" Elsa asked politely.
"I'm going to say a set of keywords," Ishtar ignored her and pressed on. "Respond to them with your initial association. No thinking, just the first thing that comes to your mind."
Elsa nodded and felt a dull throb somewhere in the back of her mind. As quickly as it came, the discomfort passed.
"Journey," Ishtar started.
"Odyssey," Elsa replied with her immediate association as instructed.
"Home," Ishtar continued, writing down notes on his datapad as they spoke.
"VanirCorp."
"Mother."
"Matilda."
Ishtar glanced up at Elsa for a moment and then resumed typing. "Flower."
Elsa hesitated, and in her mind, she saw flashes of a flower in full bloom. Its yellow petals were luminescent in the light, but they were also stained with blood. Soon enough, the premonition disappeared.
"Flower," Ishtar prompted again.
"Pretty," Elsa cleared her throat, examining the scar on her left hand.
Ishtar nodded. "You're in a cornfield," he said. "Tall green plants as far as the eye can see. The sun is in your eyes, bright, blinding. The stalks of corn part as you walk forward. You come across a clearing left by an automated combine its wake."
Elsa frowned and looked up. "What type of test is this?"
"An empathy test," Ishtar replied. "The heat has made your mouth dry and sticky. You spot a rodent's nest at your feet. The machine has torn through the soft soil. You spot blind, newborn field mice around their mother. The machine has left her sliced in two."
Elsa frowned more deeply. She never encountered field mice before in her life, given that the entirety of it was spent at VanirCorp tower. Still, she felt uncomfortable and uneasy with the scenario being laid out.
"They lie in perfect symmetry, a tiny rodent rosette," Ishtar continued. "Your mouth begins to water. A shadow gradually falls over the ground. The first raincloud of the year."
"This sounds horrible," Elsa said, making her discomfort clear. "Can we move onto another test?"
"Hmm, yes," Ishtar made some more notes on his datapad. "Measurements complete. Now we'll test your motor functions and hand-eye coordination. Come with me, Elsa," he got up and gestured out of the room.
Glad to be done with that unsavory round of tests, Elsa did as she was told and went along with Ishtar. Together, they departed the room and made their way through the warrens of offices, testing chambers, hallways, and corridors of VanirCorp's topmost executive floors. The whole time, Elsa was being carefully watched on the dozens of security cameras or by the armed android guards patrolling around.
Once they made it to a simulator room, Elsa was sealed inside while Ishtar went towards a separate viewing area. He met up with a team of other scientists, one of whom Elsa recognized to be Matilda Rosenthal, her mother.
"Testing will begin shortly," Ishtar said through a speaker system. "Prepare yourself."
In the center of the simulator room, a small podium appeared. On top of it sat a pistol and a sword. Instinct guided her hands towards the items. She picked up the pistol, removed the magazine and found that it was fully loaded, and then she snapped it back in and racked the slide. Next, she picked up the sword in her other hand, examining the reflection of her eyes in the blade.
Seconds later, numerous holographic targets appeared, and Elsa reacted immediately. She shot one target after the next in rapid succession, and soon enough, some of the targets turned into holograms of simulated foes. They returned fire at Elsa, forcing her to run, dodge, duck, weave, and roll here and there as she carried out the combat drills.
When some of her foes entered melee distance, Elsa flourished the sword around in her grip as she sliced them apart. Here and there, she would jump and vault, performing acrobatic maneuvers to maintain her agile momentum as she defeated one foe after the next.
After all was said and done, no more targets appeared and the test was complete. Elsa returned her weapons to the podium, then looked up to the viewing area. She expected to be addressed by Ishtar, but someone else spoke to her instead.
"Excellent work, Elsa," Matilda said, staring down at her daughter. "Testing is done for the day. You may return to your room. Come and see me later this evening."
"Yes, mother," Elsa dipped her head politely. "Thank you."
With that, the room was unsealed and Elsa was free to leave. She promptly returned to her room where she found a pitcher of water along with a glass already waiting for her. Pouring herself a tall drink, Elsa downed the water, then had two more glassfuls before satiating her thirst.
Now that she had some free time on her hands, she went over to her bookshelf, randomly selected one of the dozens she had already read, then settled into bed.
When the midday rolled around, Elsa received her standard meal of sustenance paste through the door. When the afternoon rolled around, Elsa had already read her book cover to cover several times. When the evening rolled around, Elsa was finally summoned up to Matilda's penthouse suite.
There, she found Matilda sitting on a fainting chair, casually smoking a cigarette while she sipped on a glass of wine. "Elsa, darling, come in," she smiled and waved. "Come, come, have a seat," she pointed to the easy chair in front of her.
Elsa did as she was told and when she was settled in, she gave Matilda a polite and expectant smile.
"How was your day, dear?" Matilda asked, taking a drag from her cigarette.
"Pleasant enough," Elsa replied. "I had a bit of a headache this morning when Doctor Ishtar was conducting his tests."
Matilda released a puff of smoke and nodded. "I'm sorry about that, but these tests are important," she said. "Doctor Ishtar is only looking out for your best, Elea-" she paused and cleared her throat. "Elsa. I'll have him increase the dosage of your medication. That should help with your headaches."
Elsa perked up as a question came to her. "Mother, may I ask you something?"
"Of course, anything, dear."
"What are these tests for?"
"Oh, yes. Well, you are very special. You are uniquely talented, but you're still growing and we want to make sure you can do that in a safe environment. We do all these tests because we need very precise data and we want to find out what makes you so special. Do you understand?"
Elsa considered that explanation for a moment and then nodded. "I do," she said. "It is just..."
"Just what?" Matilda leaned forward as her expression dropped ever so slightly.
Elsa turned her gaze out the window just in time to see white arcs of lightning unfurl across the rainy New York skyline. It was dark and stormy, and sheets of rain pelted the windows. Of all the things that Elsa yearned to feel, it was the rain on her skin.
Something real. Not something highly manufactured, curated, simulated, or replicated.
"I stay inside all the time," Elsa said quietly. "I would like to see what the world is like outside."
Matilda blinked and her expression returned to normal. "Elsa, we've talked about this," she said. "The outside world is a dangerous place, especially for someone like you. You're safe here and you have me and you have everything you need. Isn't that enough?"
Elsa sighed quietly and relented. "Yes, I am sorry, mother," she said. "I was reading again. That is why I asked."
"Don't ever apologize to me for sharpening your mind," Matilda smiled as she extinguished her cigarette. "But, as long as we're talking about reading, and as long as you're willing to suffer an old woman's company, I'd like to read you something."
"Of course," Elsa nodded politely, straightening up in her seat as she turned her full attention to Matilda.
"It's something from our old friend, Plato," Matilda picked up a well-worn book and thumbed through it until she reached a dogeared page. "The Myth of Er."
She started to read aloud, and as she did, Elsa listened with intent focus and rapt attention. When Matilda reached a certain passage, it came as striking to Elsa.
And it was a sight to behold, he said, how a soul would choose its life. Sometimes pitiable, sometimes laughable, at times wonderful and strange. For in most cases, the souls made their choice according to the habits of a former life.
Why that passage stood out to Elsa, she didn't know yet. She didn't understand the meaning of it until many years had passed, after her splintered memories deepened the fissures in her mind, and she felt the echoes of a life already lived, now dead, forgotten, and soon to be resurrected.
Elsa was only sixteen then, but her second life started at the age of twelve. She didn't flee VanirCorp until she was twenty-five.
Thirteen long years she spent alone, lost in a fever dream, torn between two identities, with only the ghost of a girl with red hair, teal eyes, and freckles to guide her through her fugue state.
Days turned to weeks, turned to months, turned to years, all of which passed by in a blur.
Tests upon tests upon tests all the while. All the while, her memory was repeatedly reset and she had to restart all over again.
… … …
Cognitive function test. Solve the cube, Elsa.
Yes.
Higher order representation formation test. Respond to the keywords with your initial association, Elsa.
I understand.
The present.
Here.
The future.
Here.
Elsa.
Me.
Death.
End.
You're in a cornfield. Tall green plants as far as the eye can see. The sun is in your eyes, bright, blinding. The stalks of corn part as you walk forward. You come across a clearing left by an automated combine in its wake...
The heat has made your mouth dry and sticky. You spot a rodent's nest at your feet...
… … …
When all the tests were performed over and over ad nauseum, they blended together to the point that it all felt the same after a while. Of course, Elsa never felt that way for long, because she never remembered the repetition for long. She existed in a limbo of sorts, never fully waking up.
That was until one day, one particular test stood out.
… … …
"Beautiful creature, isn't it?" Matilda asked as she sat next to Elsa.
Elsa didn't reply straight away, for she was busy playing with the soft and fluffy rabbit she cradled in her arms. "She is," she looked at Matilda and smiled innocently. "Does she have a name?"
"Hmm. I never thought to give it one. Why don't you name it?"
"A name," Elsa mulled it over for a long time.
In the meanwhile, she gently stroked the rabbit's delicate and immaculate fur. It was pleasantly warm, and Elsa could feel the steady beating of its heart within. In her arms, she held life, pure and innocent and simple.
Rabbits were practically extinct in the world. Matilda had clearly gone to great lengths to surprise Elsa with a gift for her eighteenth birthday.
"Snowball," Elsa smiled when she thought of a fitting name. "Snowball could be her name. What do you think, mother?"
"Hmm," Matilda smiled fondly brushed a stray lock of Elsa's white hair behind her ear. "It's a beautiful name."
"She's so pretty. Thank you, mother," Elsa regarded the rabbit once more and smiled brightly and unabashedly. "Hello. Hello, Snowball. Hello, you," she cooed.
"I'm glad you like your gift," Matilda's expression hardened. "Now kill it."
Elsa immediately snapped up as she gazed in shock at Matilda, her earlier joy now vanished. "W- what?" she stammered. "I don't understand."
"Kill the rabbit, Elsa."
"But w- why?" Elsa shook her head in disbelief as her eyes started to water. "Why are you making me do this?"
She looked at the soft rabbit cuddled up in her arms. Snowball had no idea what was happening.
"Because I asked you too," Matilda said firmly. "Now do as you're told. You don't want to upset your mother, do you?"
Elsa started to tremble from head to toe. Her hands started to shake. Her vision turned blurry thanks to the tears that were pooling in her eyes.
"Elsa," Matilda pressed. "Break that sweet rabbit's neck, would you kindly?"
"No, no," Elsa whimpered and held the rabbit more closely to her chest. "Please, I can't."
"Of course, you can. For me, it would take as much effort as lifting this glass of wine. For you, it would take barely a fraction of that."
"Is this because I did something wrong? Please, I- I- I'm sorry! Take it back if you must, but I can't-"
"I won't ask you again."
Elsa felt a dull throb of pain in her neck. She didn't understand what was happening. She didn't know why Matilda was making her do such an awful thing. She only knew that disobedience would result in excruciating pain.
With shaking hands, Elsa shut her eyes and gripped the rabbit's body and head. Then, with a shuddering, sobbing whimper, she easily snapped the rabbit's neck, killing it instantly.
"Very good," Matilda nodded approvingly, then took a long sip from her wine.
… … …
Cognitive function test. Solve the cube, Elsa.
Very well.
Higher order representation formation test. Respond to the keywords with your initial association, Elsa.
Understood.
I, me.
Empty.
Freedom.
Cage.
The city.
Stranger.
Memory.
Loss.
The machine has torn through the soft soil. You spot blind, newborn field mice around their mother. The machine has left her sliced in two. They lie in perfect symmetry, a tiny rodent rosette. Your mouth begins to water...
A shadow gradually falls over the ground. The first raincloud of the year.
… … …
Elsa opened her eyes and woke up from her sleep. Her head was feeling oddly fuzzy and it ached slightly. Almost as if someone had been poking around in it the night before.
She blinked hard several times and took in her surroundings slowly.
It was dark and still in the early hours of the morning. Outside, the Arcadian night sky was a tapestry of stars, awash with cosmic colors that sparkled and danced.
A loud snore caught Elsa's ear. Guided by routine and muscle memory, she reached out towards the sleeping body lying next to her.
Anna was facing Elsa. She was deep asleep, but muttering incoherently as per her usual habit. Elsa smiled as she brushed a stray lock of Anna's crimson hair off her face, then let her palm rest over Anna's cheek as she stroked it softly with her thumb.
"Hmm, Elsa," Anna smiled and nudged closer in her sleep. "That tickles."
It took a long while, but Elsa settled down when she eventually realized that she was nowhere near Earth, nowhere near New York, and nowhere near VanirCorp.
Matilda Rosenthal was dead and gone. Her ghost had no power over Elsa here.
Quick as those old fears and anxieties rose up again, they vanished along with the dream, already forgotten in its remembrance.
Elsa laid back down in bed and cuddled up with Anna, shutting her eyes once more as she listened to her steady snoring.
It was only a dream. Nothing more.