Do Not Seek Absolution

"Hey, check this out," Nora picked up a portable radio from the dumpster she was rooting around in.

Anna dropped the old shoe she was looking at and glanced over. "What is it?"

"An old radio."

"Woah, cool. Does it still work? Could be worth some credits."

"I don't know," Nora climbed out of the dumpster, then helped Anna climb out. "Let's see here," she started fiddling with the buttons and dials.

While she was doing that, Anna knelt down and inspected their haul of scrap. They each had two boxes that were now filled with spare parts, electronic components, and the like, useful for their resale value. To get them, they had been dumpster diving, along with searching around the piles of junk behind some buildings.

Satisfied with what they had gathered, Anna pulled out a handkerchief and wiped her hands clean of the grime. Her knuckles were purple and still bruised from a fist fight with another group of street kids a few days ago. Nora's own hands told the same story.

At this point, they were both ten years old, living on the streets of Los Angeles. Their mother was long dead, and they were evicted from the tiny apartment they shared with their father after he was killed two years ago over a gambling debt.

Nora furrowed her brows and continued playing around with the radio, slapping it occasionally, until soon enough, faint static could be heard. "Hey, it does it still work!" she said. "Wonder why anyone would throw it out?"

"Try and find a station," Anna said, standing next to Nora.

Nora adjusted the dials until the signal cleared and she settled on a radio station that played classic throwbacks from the 80s. The 1980s, not the 2080s. Music quietly played, so she turned up the volume. Instantly, they both recognized the song that was playing.

Oh, things that you say

Is it a life

Or just to play my worries away?

You're all the things I've got to remember

"Oh, I love this song!" Nora's face lit up in glee. "Come on, Anna!" she set down the radio and started to dance.

You're shying away

I'll be coming for your love anyway

Anna rolled her eyes and pretended to be unamused, but she was smiling goofily from Nora's unrestrained enthusiasm. Soon enough, she joined hands with her sister as they grooved to the music.

Take on me (take on me)

Take me on (take on me)

I'll be a gone

In a day

There they were, laughing and dancing and singing in an empty backlot, heedless of the broken world around them. For the rest of the song, there was nobody else and nothing else but them. Even in the dark future, vestiges of innocence and humanity yet remained.

When the song ended, they twirled around each other one last time and sighed in satisfaction. They laughed a little longer, and for a few moments, they caught their breaths.

"That was fun," Nora picked up the radio and put it in her box along with the other items she scavenged. "I think this should be enough."

"Mmhmm," Anna nodded and picked up her haul. "Let's head back."

Nora gestured with her head and started walking away with a little bounce in her step as she hummed the melody of the song. Anna lingered for only a moment, staring after Nora with a fond smile before she bounced along with her.

After walking for a few minutes, they returned to the corner convenience store which was their delivery point.

"Miss Gerda, we're back!" Anna walked in through the store's front door. "Miss Gerda?"

Nora came in next to her. "It's us!" she called out. "Your favorite scrap runners!"

"I'm in the back, dearies!" Gerda called out. "Come behind the counter. I'm just watching the telly."

Anna and Nora glanced at each other, and with a shrug of their shoulders, they went behind the counter and into the backroom of the store. Inside the backroom, they found Gerda, a woman in her sixties, sitting on a chair and watching old soap operas.

"You can just leave it here with me," Gerda pushed aside from random things on the coffee table in front of her and patted it. "I'll have one of my boys deal with it later."

Doing as they were told, Anna and Nora set down their delivery. Gerda leaned over and idly picked through the scrap the found, nodding in satisfaction.

"How did you get on today?" Gerda asked, smiling.

"Okay, I guess," Nora replied. "Found some decent stuff near the old pier."

Gerda's smile faded as her expression became sterner. "Did you go under the pier?"

"No," Nora quickly shook head.

"Good," Gerda's smile returned. "You two stay away from there. Full of addicts and vagrants and the like. Not safe for two young girls like you."

The pier she was referring to was the remains of the Santa Monica Pier. Anna and Nora had been hanging around the Venice Beach area of Los Angeles, collecting scrap, running errands, or carrying out other odd jobs that needed carrying out for the gang they worked for, the Steel Serpents.

In the early twenty-first century, the Venice neighborhood of Los Angeles was a tourist hotspot with a prevalent homeless problem. Now, it was a sprawling shanty town with an endemic homeless problem.

The quaint shops and restaurants that lined the boardwalk all the way up to the pier had been turned into a gritty, grimy slum. People resided in ramshackle huts and makeshift lean-tos, and the area was notorious for a high crime rate. The beach itself was filled with garbage and all manner of junk, while the ocean was choked with the same detritus. Foamy waves broke on the shore, stinking with foul rot and decay.

Afternoon had passed and the evening was slowly encroaching. By sunset, the area would become too dangerous to linger in, so Anna and Nora had to finish up their delivery quick if they wanted to make it home safe and sound.

"We also have another package for you, Miss Gerda," Anna pointed to one of their boxes which held a concealed parcel. "Mister Oak wanted us to pass it on."

Oak was the boss of the Steel Serpents and the person who they took jobs from. Anna and Nora had fallen into his employ not long after their father died. For a gang boss, Oak was rather fair and even-handed. He took sympathy on the girls by providing them with work after he learned they were orphaned because their father's gambling debt was owed to him.

Conversely, Gerda, for as innocent as she appeared, was one of Oak's regular business partners. She ran a convenience store, which itself was a front for some of the shadier operational elements of the Steel Serpents.

"Oh, for the love of god, again?" Gerda scowled.

"He's had a big shipment come in," Anna said. "Needs help offloading the-"

"I don't care about the fizz," Gerda referred to the parcel of illicit drugs. "I told that man, I didn't want to see either of you doing this kind of work anymore. You two should be making an honest living."

"That's why we wanted to be scrap runners for you," Nora smiled. "We know you're honest."

"And after an honest day's work..." Anna rubbed her thumb and forefinger together.

"Hmph," Gerda chuckled and shook her head. "You're lucky I enjoy your company," she got up and went over to a nearby cabinet, reaching in to retrieve a metal box and opening it.

Inside was a bunch of credit chips, easily worth over a few thousand in total. While the physical medium of exchange for credits was a bit outdated at this point, chips were still acceptable and were often better for under-the-table transactions.

Gerda fished out a chip, put away the box, then returned to Anna and Nora. "Here's your pay, dearies," she sat back down in her chair and turned her attention back to the holo-television. "Run along now. Get home before it gets dark."

"Thanks, Miss Gerda," Nora waved goodbye. "See you later."

"Bye, Miss Gerda," Anna waved goodbye as well.

They left the store, heading out into the fading day. The Los Angeles skyline was awash with colors of sickly orange and purple, and the horizon was blurred with smog and pollution. On top of that, it had been stickily humid all day, but at least a cool breeze was coming in now with the onset of nightfall.

A few gunshots echoed out down the boardwalk, followed shortly after by a blaring car alarm. Not an unusual occurrence but one that was enough to warrant a greater sense of urgency.

Now that they were paid and finished work for the day, Anna and Nora hurried home. After walking a city block, they boarded a public transit shuttle and made their way through the urban metropolis. On the outskirts of the most densely populated city center area, they got off the shuttle and walked another block.

Along the way, they passed by a large sinkhole cordoned off with barriers and caution signs. Several meters down at the partially flooded bottom, there was the collapsed ruins of half an apartment building along with a few wrecked cars. Sinkholes like that regularly appeared throughout the city as it slowly crumbled into the ocean.

In the distance, they could see the broken remnants of the Hollywood sign, surrounded by the cauterized landscape left behind by the wildfires. Once upon a time, famous celebrities and the upper-class elite resided in lavish mansions all over the hills. Now, the empty ruins only provided flickering afterimages into America's excessive, hedonistic idylls. Relics of an age long passed and long forgotten.

Anna and Nora skirted the edges of the sinkhole, and after a little bit further, they crossed into a packed night market. There were shops and kiosks, food stands and eateries, all filled with civilians and vendors. To settle their stomachs for the night, they went up a to fast-food burger joint and ordered the cheapest meal on the menu. Then, they found a table they could eat at and posted up.

"Oh, finally," Anna's stomach rumbled loudly just as she began tearing into her greasy synth-beef burger and fries. "I'm starving," she ate and drank quickly with the pace of someone who was perpetually uncertain of when her next meal would be.

"Me too," Nora took a sip of her cola and began tucking into her own food. "Ugh, gross," she frowned at the taste of the meat. "Think mine came with extra roach shells."

"It kind of adds a little crunch, but still nasty."

"Better than being hungry, I guess."

"Yeah. We did good today, right?"

"Uh huh."

Anna swung her legs back and forth and sighed whimsically as a faraway look settled on her face. "We're a little bit closer to getting out of here."

"Uh huh," Nora nodded, smiling her dimpled smile. "Just need to keep saving."

They were both big dreamers with their sights on a better life. Leaving Los Angeles and moving to New York was still a long way off, but with each day that passed, they steadily worked towards their goal. As such, they were living quite frugally, not that they were living a life anything close to extravagant in the first place.

Anna paused eating for a moment and regarded her sister. Nora had the same faraway look on her face and her ocean blue eyes were bright with hope and innocence. As she looked at her sister, a fond smile settled on her face.

Anna loved Nora.

And Nora loved Anna.

Life for them was far from easy and up to that point, it had been seemingly one hardship endured after the next after the next. Still, they had each other and that was enough.

The day hadn't yet come when they would no longer have each other.

Nora eventually returned to reality and she looked back at Anna, noticing that she had been staring. "What?" she giggled. "What are you looking at, doofus?"

"You, you doofus," Anna replied. "You got something on your face."

"What? No, I don't."

Anna dipped her finger in a bit of ketchup and smeared it right on Nora's nose. "Now you do."

"Ugh, Anna!" Nora laughed and recoiled. "You doofus!"

"You're the doofus with ketchup on their nose, doofus!" Anna started laughing as well.

"No, you're the doofus, doofus!" Nora wiped her nose clean and tried to smear Anna in retaliation. "I'm gonna get you back for that!"

"Nuh uh, doofus, we can't waste it," Anna held her sister at bay.

The pair struggled against each other until both their faces were stained in a bit of ketchup. They had caught a few curious glances from onlookers, but they paid them no mind. When their giggle fits had died down and the both relaxed, they cleaned off the ketchup and ate it since they were both skinny as a rail and really couldn't afford to waste the calories.

When they finished their meal, Anna burped loudly and sighed in satisfaction. "That's the fullest I've been in days," she got up. "Ready to head home? It's getting late."

"Yeah," Nora said, cleaning up their trash. "We should go now."

"Okay, I'm just gonna try and steal more ketchup packets from the front before we leave. Could be our breakfast tomorrow."

"I'll throw these out then."

They went off in opposite directions. Anna headed towards the condiment stand to steal some more ketchup packets, and she stuffed her pockets until they were full. Meanwhile, Nora went towards a trashcan closer to the densely packed night market to dispose of their waste.

Her back was only turned for a few moments, but when Anna finished up, she looked around and saw that Nora was nowhere in sight. Walking towards the night market, Anna searched for her sister, thinking she may have just been playing another game.

"Nora?" Anna called out. "Where'd you go? Nora?"

No reply came. Around Anna, pedestrians passed her by with barely a glance.

"Nora!" Anna called out again, getting a little impatient. "Come on, we gotta go home! Hey, where are you!"

Again, no reply came. Anna walked around in circles, now starting to get a little worried. She searched all around the burger joint and didn't find her, so she pressed deeper into the night market. All the while, she called out Nora's name as she weaved her way through the stalls and the crowds.

"Nora! Nora?!" Anna looked everywhere. "Damn it. Nora!"

She reached the edge of the night market close to some buildings after having made a full round of the entire place. Anna was verging on the edge of panic now, and when she passed by the entrance to a narrow alleyway, she heard a scuffle of noise that caught her ear.

"Nora?" Anna looked into the stinking, filthy alleyway. "Is that you? Come on, I'm not playing games with you," she went in.

As she walked further in, the silence and the stillness of her surroundings made her uneasy. In her head, alarm bells were ringing and she knew that at her age, this was no place for her to be. Still, she had to find her sister.

Another scuffle of noise echoed down the alleyway, followed by some voices.

"Heh, looks like I caught me a little street rat."

"Get away from me!"

Anna recognized Nora's voice immediately, so she took off running and rounded the next corner. There, she found her sister, backed up against a wall, while a drifter was hovering over her with sinister intent.

"Shh, shh, shh," the drifter pressed a finger to his lips. "You don't want to make a ruckus. Just be a good little girl and don't make a sound. I won't hurt you," he reached behind his back for something.

"Fuck off!" Nora shouted, swinging out with her fist and punching the drifter in the face as hard as she could manage.

"Oh," the drifter rubbed his jaw and grabbed Nora, pinning her against the wall by the shoulder. "Now you're in for it."

At the sight of her sister alone and vulnerable, Anna flew into a protective, frenzied rage. Whatever the drifter had been reaching for, he didn't get a chance to pull it out when she leapt into action.

Rushing ahead, Anna grabbed a lead pipe out of a trash can and closed the distance. "Leave her alone!" she swung it out with all the strength she could muster in her juvenile arms.

The drifter only just turned around when he caught the pipe to the side of his head. A brutal, wet, and crunchy squelch followed when it made contact. He barely uttered a grunt as he fell over.

Anna stood above him, seething with rage. A puddle of blood was forming around the drifter's head where he lay, and he twitched and groaned quietly. To make sure that he was down, Anna struck him thrice more in the head. By the time she was done, only an unrecognizable mess of pulpy gore was left.

"Fuck! Fucking bastard!" Anna threw the pipe to the side and panted heavily.

All at once, the visceral sight, the coppery scent of the blood, the stench of the alley, and the gut churning horror of her actions struck her. Anna felt a wave of nausea crash into her senses, overwhelming her until she could stand it no more. Turning to the side, she coughed, gagged, and threw up her supper onto some trash.

Meanwhile, Nora had shrunken into a ball and was shielding her face, covering her eyes with her hands. She was trembling all over and weeping softly.

Anna wiped her mouth and nose clean, coughing a few more times until her adrenaline rush passed.

Nora sniffled and peeked out from behind her fingers. "Anna?" she asked. "Is that you?"

"It's me," Anna said, tearing her gaze away from the corpse of the drifter she just killed and kneeling by Nora.

"Is it over?" Nora took a few shuddering breaths until her eyes refocused and she settled her gaze on Anna.

"I think so," Anna pulled out a handkerchief from her pocket, cleaned her hands and face, then tossed it away. "I hit him... I hit him pretty hard."

A fresh round of tears spilled from Nora's eyes as she fell into Anna's embrace. "He- he- he tried to-"

"Oh, Nora," Anna hugged her tight, squeezing her eyes shut in both relief and heartbreak. "Shh, it's okay now. You're okay."

"Anna," Nora sobbed as she held on as tightly as she could.

The pair stayed like that for a little while, holding onto each other for support after their heinous encounter. Eventually, Anna pulled away first so she could Nora in the eye.

"It's over," Anna said. "You're safe now. It's gonna be okay. I won't ever let anybody hurt you. Ever. I swear."

Nora blinked a few times and nodded.

"Come on," Anna grabbed Nora's hand and helped her to her feet. "Let's get out of here."

The pair left that awful place behind, but some part of themselves remained there in a way that they could never take back. Their innocence was lost that day, just one of the many things already taken from them.

Later that night, after washing up in a public bathroom and when they returned home to the dry culvert beneath an underpass where they had been sleeping for a while, Anna was sitting upright and Nora was laying down in her lap. Neither of them had really said much. Neither of them really knew what to say.

Anna studied her hands which were shaking uncontrollably. The blood and filth were no longer there, but the memory of the horrific event was now permanently etched into the skin. To settle them, she reached down and grabbed both of Nora's hands, squeezing tight.

"It was my fault," Nora muttered, her voice trembling as she broke her traumatized silence.

"What?" Anna looked at Nora and frowned. "No, that wasn't your fault. He's the one who-"

"I- I- I thought he needed help," Nora whimpered. "He said he was hurt. I thought... I thought he just needed... I didn't-"

Anna shut her eyes and released a heavy sigh. It was just like Nora to go out of her way to help someone she didn't know, and it was just like the evil people of the world they lived in to try and take advantage of that. Still, she couldn't fault Nora for her good heart. After all, that was what she loved most about her sister.

But good people never stayed that way for long in this cruel world. One way or another, it took things which could never be put back. Never be made right again. In that stinking, filthy alleyway on that awful night, Anna and Nora had been changed forever.

At the age of ten, Anna had killed for the very first time and she had done so to protect her sister. As she sat there, staring into nothing, holding Nora in her arms, she knew she would do it again and again if she had to.

"I'm sorry," Nora whispered.

"It was never your fault," Anna replied.

"If I knew better..."

"It's okay, Nora, it's okay. You're safe now. That's all that matters."

Nora wiped her eyes and sniffed. "Because we'll always stick together."

"Yeah," Anna leaned back and shut her eyes. "We'll always stick together."

… … …

"They were fresh out of medi-gel, but I found the next best thing," K approached Anna and handed her a dark brown bottle. "A little bit of anesthesia."

Anna examined her reflection in the cracked mirror. Her nose was broken and bloodied, and one of her eyes was swollen from a bruise. She was sitting outside of a bodega in New York, tending to her wounds as best as she could.

Six years later, Anna's life had gone from miserable to downright bleak and hopeless. She was sixteen now and had recently been evicted from the orphanage she was staying at with K. Four years ago, she lost Nora, and since then she had been starving and struggling, same as always for her.

"Better than nothing," Anna took the bottle and unscrewed the cap, smelling the strong scent of cheap whiskey even through her broken nose.

Taking a long swig to numb the pain, she handed it back to K and then re-examined her reflection. With a deep breath, she reached up with both hands and quickly reset her broken nose, snapping it back into place with a crunch.

"Agh, motherfucker!" Anna squeezed her eyes shut, but the worst of the pain had now passed. "Gimme that," she took the whiskey back from K and swallowed down another swig.

"You good now?" K sat down next to Anna, inspecting her injuries and finding nothing else serious. "You gonna tell me what happened?"

"Some bastard tried to mug me," Anna rubbed her mouth clean and winced as she examined her bruised knuckles. "I handled it," she passed the bottle back to K.

Recently, Anna had picked up a drinking habit, something which would make life tolerable for the foreseeable future. It numbed the pain and it numbed the grief that was still raw and bleeding in her heart. She figured that if her life wasn't going to get any better, then she may as well embrace whatever small comforts she could get.

There was never the intention to slip into an alcoholic depression nor had Anna ever planned to follow in the footsteps of her father, but that was what ended up happening.

K swished the liquid inside of the bottle around and chuckled dryly. "Gotta love New York City, huh?" he took a sip and passed the bottle back to Anna. "Welcome to the rest of your life in the city of tomorrow."

"Here's to you, New York," Anna raised the bottle as a toast. "The absolute worst fucking shithole to live in."

… … …

Anna opened her eyes and shot up from bed, clutching her chest and panting heavily. Her skin was matted with sweat and she felt a dull throb of pain in her right shoulder where she had been shot with a flechette all those years ago. In a daze, she looked around, seeing that the bedroom was dark and quiet.

She wasn't back in Los Angeles, she wasn't back in New York, but parts of her mind yet lingered in those places. Trapped. Unable to escape from the past that haunted her. In all the places she lived, Anna lost pieces of herself. For years, she sunk herself into bouts of violence and suffering, broken up only by depressive episodes of alcohol abuse and self-loathing.

Next to her, Elsa roused from her sleep and she sat up in bed, holding Anna by her waist. "Anna? What's wrong?" she asked in a sleepy voice. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, fine, I'm... I'm fine," Anna rubbed the old scar on her shoulder until the ache subsided. "I just had a... really intense dream."

"Oh," Elsa's face became downcast as she placed a few gentle kisses on the back of Anna's neck. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Anna rubbed her eyes as she considered that for a moment. "Uh, no, not really," she said, almost reflexively. "Actually, maybe. I don't know. Sorry for waking you. It's okay, we can just go back to sleep."

"No, no, it's okay," Elsa shook her head and shuffled closer to Anna. "We can talk."

Anna nodded and sighed. She took a minute to gather her scattered thoughts and pull back together the dream of her old life. Meanwhile, Elsa waited quietly and patiently, rubbing Anna's shoulders gently which had a soothing, grounding effect to help her return to reality.

"I- I don't really know how to start," Anna muttered. "But I guess... I guess it was about me and Nora."

Elsa's eyes flickered for a moment in recognition of her former self, but she remained silent as she waited for Anna to continue.

"Do you remember what we used to do?" Anna asked, looking up and seeing both Elsa and Nora sitting before her. "When we were kids?"

Elsa glanced to the side until the recollection came to her and she nodded. "I do," she said. "I remember being on the streets. With you."

Anna hesitated before speaking. "Do you remember what happened that day?" she asked quietly. "In that alley?"

Again, Elsa had to pause to remember. "I... do," she said as her expression became gloomier. "You saved Nora."

"We weren't the same after that. That was the first time I ever had to kill anyone," Anna looked down and noticed that her right hand was shaking. "I can still see it. Hear it. Smell it. I still remember that like it was yesterday."

Her metal left hand was completely still. The arm she lost and the arm she gained, on top of every scar she carried on her body, served as a constant reminder that she was a damaged person. Trauma and grief and heartbreak had changed her on all levels, physical and psychological, so much so that she wasn't sure if there was anything left of the original Anna. She was now literally part machine, something which had fundamentally transformed her view of the world.

Elsa said nothing, but she held onto Anna's hands, steadying them.

"We were just kids, Elsa," Anna sighed. "Look at what we had to do just to survive. No kid should ever have to do the things that we did. That I did."

"You didn't have a choice," Elsa said.

"That's what I kept telling myself," Anna looked away, feeling guilt and regret well up all at once out of nowhere. "For a long time. That's all it was. I don't even know how many people I've killed now. I lost count after a while," she chuckled darkly at her self.

Elsa tried to say something, but she couldn't think of anything.

"When Nora was gone and I was alone, I... I did a lot worse," Anna shook her head. "I did horrible things. Helped bad people to get by. I've hurt people. I've killed people. And I'm still here," she looked at Elsa, eyes wide with emotion. "What kind of person does that make me?"

During her career as a private detective back in New York, Anna had taken on work that was morally questionable at best and ethically damnable at worst. Her clientele mainly involved shady types looking to get ahead by leveraging sensitive information. She was just the information broker. What her clients did with it was none of her business.

Yet the fact was, at the end of the day, some of the people in those transactions ended up as victims of exploitation or violence. In one way or another, Anna was contributing to a system that was built on harm and sustained by harm. Her hands were far from clean, even if she did distance herself as much as possible from the impacts of her decisions.

That was just the aspects of her career. Personally, whenever her life was put in danger, and it was often put in danger due to the nature of her work, she was forced to defend herself. Defending oneself required harm to be done to another person, and in that, Anna had no qualms doing so.

Some of her victims deserved it. Some of them, perhaps not.

Only now, after living in Arcadia for some time, a place where she was trying to be a normal person, did she realize just how much harm she had done throughout her life. Only now, with idle hands did her actions weigh heavy on her conscience.

"It makes you a survivor," Elsa said. "You did what you had to do. That's all. And it's in the past now. You're not that person anymore."

"I struggled for a long time with surviving," Anna said. "That's all I am. A fighter. A killer. Just a... crazy person."

"No, you're not. You're a good person. You've just been put into bad situations. You protected Nora, and you protected me. Doesn't that mean something?"

"A few good deeds don't just wash away everything I've done. It's still there, all of it. And I can't change that. Things don't get fixed. They don't balance out. You don't come back, not all of you."

Elsa bit her lip and frowned slightly, looking lost for words.

"Doesn't matter why I did it, I still did it," Anna said, wearing a tired and resigned expression. "It was still me."

"Yes," Elsa sighed. "It was, and the past can't be changed. You can't change what happened to you and I can't change what happened to me. But... we can change who we are now. We can move on and try. Try to be better people."

Anna sniffed, wiped her eyes, and looked away.

"Look," Elsa gently turned Anna's face back so they could see each other. "We're together now. We got our fresh start. We can change. I'll help you, just like you helped me."

"You really think I'm worth it?" Anna asked, her voice quiet and trembling. "After everything?"

"You are worth it," Elsa said adamantly, rubbing Anna's cheek softly with her thumb. "We aren't those people anymore. That was our old lives and that's finished. I promise."

Anna wanted to believe Elsa. She truly did. But trying to change to be a better person meant accepting her past and confronting everything she ever did. Every person she ever hurt and every life she ever took. She wasn't sure she had to fortitude to deal with that, but with Elsa, she thought she could try.

"Okay," Anna whispered.