AN: Happy Thursday! Just the epilogue left after this. I've started the Eric POV story, however I'll need to get more written before that one starts to post. Please follow me, or check back soon for that one. I hope you enjoy!
After two weeks of exchanging pleasant daily texts, Christina and I finally decided to meet to talk face-to-face about the issues that have kept us apart for over ten years. Since she is heavily pregnant, I chose to once again make the trip to Dauntless, but this time to have lunch at the apartment she shares with Tobias and their children.
I'm in Dauntless early, since my morning appointment at the prison was cancelled last minute, I took the train here instead of all the way back to our office. I thought I'd have less time to kill, but I'm looking at over an hour before I'm supposed to arrive at Christina's, and I don't want to rush her.
Every time I return to Dauntless it brings up memories, some good, but some I'd rather leave behind. Being here in the faction today is drumming up anxiety that I am usually really good at dealing with head on, however today something just feels off. I'm making my way through the building when I see her in my peripheral. Long, multicolored dreadlocks on a thin framed female, and when she works her way towards me I find her almond shaped brown eyes narrowed at me.
Tori Wu, the same woman who carefully removed a bullet from my shoulder, and later removed an unknown disc from my arm, has not spoken to me since the day I left Candor.
"I thought that was you." She says in the form of a greeting.
"Hi Tori." I reply evenly.
"Why are you here?" She asks suspiciously.
"My purpose here doesn't involve you." I reply in a tone that is sharper than I meant.
"You haven't changed a bit," She chuckles, "If you're here for Four, he's in a meeting. Do you have a minute to catch up?"
"I'm actually here for lunch with Christina, but I ended up early because my morning appointment cancelled, and she hasn't answered my text yet so she may be resting still." I reply.
"Sounds like you may have some time on your hands then," She smiles.
I'm nervous, and trying my best to hide it. At least with Christina we've been texting back and forth for a couple of weeks, with Tori I'm going in blindly.
"I suppose I do." I agree.
"How about a coffee?" She asks.
"Lead the way."
Several minutes later, with one of the sweet dark chocolate mocha iced coffees in hand, I'm sitting across from Tori as she stirs her own iced coffee with her straw.
"I see you still love those things." She nods her head towards my glass.
"Yeah, the sweet tooth I picked up here has never gone away." I agree.
"I'm surprised to see you back here, you've avoided it like the plague since the war." She hedges, and for a moment I wonder if she could have passed for Candor.
"I had no reason to return."
"I saw you here a month or two ago with Four, but you disappeared before I could ever see you."
"I didn't think there was anyone else here who would want to see me." I reply carefully and she raises her eyebrows, "The general consensus here was I was the hated enemy, wearing my scarlet letter and all."
"Straight to the point, huh Tris?" She narrows her eyes at me.
"You hated me just like the rest of them, isn't that why I've not heard a damn word from you in ten years?"
"I never hated you." She says quietly.
"You hated Eric though." I retort and she sighs.
"That's true, I certainly blamed him for being involved with Jeanine. I thought Jeanine's group had killed my brother, and Amar, and I had no idea they had been taken underground with other divergents. Until his testimony, we all thought he was an active part of the war. Even you did."
I nod my head, "You're right, I did believe that. Four had convinced me of it, and it was easy to do since I'd seen and heard Jeanine and him talking. Eric and I had this strange connection when I was in initiation, but once I was warned that his interest in me was for my divergence I distanced myself."
"Until you decided to fuck him in Erudite, Tris." Tori says angrily.
"Why does everyone think I owe them some sort of explanation for that?" I ask in exasperation.
"You don't owe anyone shit, but I'm not going to pretend that you literally sleeping with the enemy didn't cause me, and mostly everyone else I know to write you off." She argues.
"You all heard his testimony. You heard Jeanine, Max, Harrison, Chaney… you heard everyone Tori. Ten years ago every single person in this faction who thought I had, as you said, literally slept with the enemy heard that he had no fucking idea he was helping HIS MOTHER start a war. You all heard that he sacrificed himself to save ME, and almost actually died in the process. Every single one of you heard that he lost enough blood that if he hadn't of been brought to the hospital the exact minute he was he would have died. Yet, not one person reached out to me when the dust settled."
"You cheated on your husband, our friend…" She argues weakly.
"I cheated on HIM, not any of you. I was your friend too, and even though I did cheat on him, not one person was in that situation with me in Erudite. Not one of you reached out when you found out I was pregnant and alone. Or maybe when my best friend married my ex before the ink was even dry on our annulment papers. Even if none of those factored in to reaching out to a friend, maybe reach out to someone who had lost both of her parents, and was nearly tortured to death by her own brother while in custody in Erudite. No… let's just write Tris off because she fucked Eric." I growl. I don't realize how loud I'd gotten until I look around and see a few people staring at our table. "This was a mistake." I stand but Tori stands with me.
"Please don't leave, you're absolutely right Tris, I should have reached out. We all should have. Please don't leave like this, I'm sorry Tris. You didn't deserve that." Tori says.
I sit, but glare at Tori across the table, "I had no one, Tori. Not a single person in my life outside of Johanna and her husband. When I gave birth to my son, Johanna and Pedro were there. When I needed help to try to get Eric out of jail, it was Jack Kang of all people who helped me. The same person who was forced to sentence Eric since he refused to cooperate went above and beyond to try to get him out of jail. Not one of the people who also knew he was innocent, and who also knew he was the father of my son helped."
"You're right…"
I cut her off, "Besides Christina, you were my closest friend. I could at least understand Christina's pain, because she had to not only find out with certainty that her boyfriend had died during the war, she had to hear it was from my own gun. I didn't have the guts to tell her, it came out during my testimony. I understood her pain, I even found a way to understand when she married Tobias when he and I had our marriage annulled. I never understood why you, as close as we were, turned your back on me. You have your brother back, I've heard about the wife and children he has as well. I've even heard that you and Amar were married and you have a son who's only a year younger than my own. I've heard all of these things about you, but been able to share none of them with you because your anger at my choice of a sexual partner became more important than our friendship." I explain.
I can see that Tori has been intently listening to everything I've said, and she appears to be taking everything in. The silence is uncomfortable, but I refuse to break it.
"I have no excuse. Everything you just said is absolutely right. I was a coward, and I took the easy way out and decided to choose Four and Christina because they were here in front of me, and just scoffed when everyone said you had run away. You didn't cut us off because you wanted to, you did it because you had to." She says.
"I made a decision that none of you understood when I had sex with him in Erudite, and I'm under no obligation to make anyone understand it. The bottom line is we did, we have a beautiful son as a result, and Eric will always be a part of our life. I am in love with him, that will never change, and I will keep every damn person who I once cared about out of our lives if I think any one of them will hurt my family." I reply resolutely.
"I wouldn't expect anything less." Tori replies. "I am sorry, and I hope that one day you will be able to forgive me. I would love to be a part of your life again, and for us to be able to move forward."
"Even if Eric is a part of my life?" I challenge.
"Yes." She nods.
"Tori, he is important to me. He's Miles' father, and he and I are planning a future together. Anyone that I invite back into my life needs to treat him with respect as well."
"You have my word. I already know that he and Four are brothers, and I understand that working things out with him and Christina is your main priority to foster that relationship. I hope to be a part of that too, if you and Eric will allow me." She replies.
I may not have expected to be having this conversation with Tori today, but it was needed, and as we continue our impromptu coffee date, we share pictures of our sons and tidbits of our lives. We part with a promise to begin building a new friendship, one that includes the men in our lives.
I make my way to Christina and Tobias' apartment, and it is where I remembered the leader apartments were kept. From what I understood these were the largest apartments the faction had to offer, outfitted with the top of the line fittings and fixtures, and something I may have once seen had I only made the choice to give Eric a chance to explain himself back then.
I've always been a bit stubborn.
I shake my head as if the thoughts will just fall out of my head, and even chuckle at my ridiculousness. When the door opens, I see my former friend, and she looks so different and yet exactly the same as I remember.
Her dark hair is cut into a short pixie cut and has lighter highlights, her light brown eyes have the same sparkle that I remember and while at nine months pregnant she's obviously not the waif of a girl I remember, I can also tell she's grown into her body quite the same way I have. We're no longer children, and it still amazes me just how young we were when we were forced to stop a war.
"You look good, Tris." Christina remarks as she leads me into their apartment. It's tastefully decorated, and while pieces are still a bit dark and broody the way Dauntless once was, you can also see Christina's touches throughout. There are tons of family pictures adorning the walls, kids toys stored in fabric bins scattered throughout, along with their artwork hanging on the fridge.
"So do you, I can't believe you are nine months pregnant." I remark and she grins.
"I can, my feet feel like they've grown sixteen sizes." Christina replies, "Sorry that lunch is a bit late, the restaurant is sending up sandwiches and pasta salad, but they're running a bit behind."
"No worries. I can't believe how big this apartment is." I remark as I look around.
"Oh, this is two former leadership apartments merged together. Tob and I needed space, so we turned two apartments into one. We even turned the loft into our own bedroom and bathroom, just to give us some separation from the kids. We have five other bedrooms, three other bathrooms, and as you can see this huge kitchen, dining and living area. It feels like old Dauntless, but it totally isn't. You saw all the railings they've installed on your way up here, didn't you?"
"Oh yeah, I did notice there's actual safety features installed now." I reply with a laugh.
"Weird, right?" She asks and I nod.
She gives me a quick tour of their home and we're interrupted by lunch arriving, which I help her to set out on the kitchen island before we both dig in.
"Sorry, pregnancy makes me want to eat constantly." She says as she grabs her second half of sandwich.
"I remember those days." I smile and she quirks an eyebrow at me.
"Should we go ahead and address the elephant in the room?" She asks in her usual blunt way.
"I suppose we should." I reply and she takes a deep breath before continuing.
"It started as just revenge. I was so angry at you about what happened with Will, Tobias was angry at you for Eric. We were drinking, venting, and in a pretty crowded bar. We knew people would see us making out, and it would get back to you. We were just gonna leave it at the public make out sesh we had at the bar, but I invited him home and we talked for hours. After that first night, we spent every day together, and would spend hours just talking to each other, about all the shit we had been through with the war, his mom, Will, you, just everything. We started falling for each other, and we wanted to be together. I know it makes no sense at all, but we love each other, and ten years and four kids haven't changed that love at all, it's made it deeper. I can't apologize for who I love, but I can apologize for the callous way I treated our friendship after the war. You had a lot of shit pile up on you, and us turning on you was completely unfair. I'm sorry, Tris."
"I'm sorry too," I begin and she grabs one of my hands across the table, "I'm sorry about Will. I live with that, every day."
"You did what you had to do. I didn't want to hear it or understand it back then, but I know you did exactly what you were trained to do when you were in that situation. I killed people too, Tris. I can't even remember it, but I know I did," She squeezes my hand briefly before pulling hers away, "When Tobias and I first got together, like that first week or so, it was definitely bonding over bashing you. I won't try to sugarcoat it, but in listening to each other we both realized that we were both wrong. I'm not letting you off the hook, because you absolutely did cheat on him, but I realized he wasn't in love with you, and he began to realize it too."
"You're right, I did cheat on him…"
"You don't have to discuss your relationship with him." Christina says, "I mean, I'll listen to it for sure, but you don't have to talk about anything that's not about you and me."
"I appreciate that, but to talk about the elephant we have to talk about it all. I did cheat on Tobias, and I got pregnant. I didn't know that Eric was his brother back then, but Tobias did and I can imagine that made it so much worse in his eyes. Tobias and I would have fallen apart with or without the cheating. I married him when I was basically in shock from everything that had happened. I watched my mom die right in front of me, and I had to kill him to save myself." I don't realize I am crying until Christina is next to me, wiping the tears with a napkin, "Will just wasn't there. His eyes were just vacant, and I begged him Chris. I begged him to just know me, to recognize me, and he didn't. He shot at me and missed, and I shot him. I couldn't even check on him because I could hear other people running towards me. I just ran, and he didn't…" I sob and she pulls me against her.
"You did what you had to do." She whispers and when I pull away from her I can see tears in her eyes too, "I didn't want to hear it ten years ago, but after talking to Tobias I realized you did exactly what I would have done in the same situation. We all wish it could have been different, but as soon as Jeanine set that sim off we were all as good as dead."
"I'm so sorry. I never wanted to hurt him, and I didn't want you to hear about it from my testimony. I owed you more than that."
"I married your ex-husband, as a teenager hell bent on revenge. It doesn't matter that I was falling fast for him, the actual reason I married him so quickly was because I wanted you to hurt." She says before she sits back down next to me, "I ended up going to therapy on my own, and then Tobias and I went together, and we both healed a lot. I've wanted to talk to you for a long time, but I was scared. Even though I had come to an understanding of why you did what you did during the war, I didn't know if you would ever forgive me for marrying him." Her brown eyes meet mine.
"It took me a long time to get to where I am right now. Could I have forgiven you ten years ago? No, but at that point I also hadn't forgiven myself. At this point I don't feel like I need to forgive you for anything, Chris. You fell in love with Tobias, you all married, and you've created a beautiful life and family. Why do I need to forgive you for that? You shouldn't ever have to feel any type of shame for the way your story began."
Her face softens and I can see her dabbing at her eyes with a napkin, "Just like I shouldn't need to forgive you for protecting yourself from the person who killed your mother in front of you." She says quietly. "We've missed ten years of each other's lives over things we needed to come to terms with."
"We needed to forgive ourselves. We needed to love ourselves." I agree.
"Therapy did wonders for me." Christina says with a smile.
"It worked for me too, and it became my own passion as well."
"From what I understand, you're damn good at what you do. Tob told me that Eric wouldn't work with anyone until you came along." She says before taking another bite of her sandwich.
"That's true. I think Eric and I healed each other." I reply.
"It's still hard for me to separate the Eric that's my husband's brother from the Eric we knew from Dauntless." She says quietly.
"He's the only Eric I've ever known." I reply and Christina's brow wrinkles, "I guess I got to know a slightly different version of Eric back in Dauntless. He was much more anxious, and angry, but he and I did have a connection when we were back in Dauntless. He kissed me, on the day of the knife throwing incident, and that obviously made things a little strange between us. We argued a lot, and got on each other's nerves, but he was still Eric."
"Why didn't you end up with him back then?" She asks bluntly.
"Because I pushed him away. I thought he was working with Jeanine willingly to hurt people like me. I ended up with Tobias…" I trail off.
"But you wanted Eric." She finishes and I nod.
"I made the safer choice. I cared for Tobias and still do, but we never loved each other."
"He wanted to be the hero back then." Christina sighs, "He's so much different now, but back then he wanted to fix everyone and everything."
"Except himself." I reply.
"Except himself." She agrees. "You and Eric would have stayed together had he not been attacked, right?"
"Yes. We were heading to Amity, and there's no way I would have left him unless he had wanted me to." I reply.
"Tob was happy when he came home from the trip from El Paso. He's known Eric's his brother for a long time, and he had written him off as a lost cause when he became so violent and hateful in prison. He said that Eric is a completely different person than the one we saw during training." She explains.
"Seeing them together was amazing. They made it through some incredibly difficult conversations without losing focus on the bigger picture." I reply, "I'm glad you and I are able to sit down and talk things out too. If you and I remained at odds, I can imagine it would be difficult for them to move forward in their relationship."
"I'm glad we're here too. I'm happy for you, Tris. I know it was a long path to get Eric back into your life and into your son's life, but from what I hear he seems very happy to be there." She says with a warm smile.
"You may not believe it, but I'm glad you and Tobias ended up together too. You are perfect for each other." I grin and she shakes her head.
"Opposites attract huh?" She giggles and I join her.
"I'd say so."
"Are you in touch with anyone else from Dauntless?" She asks.
"Ironically, I ran into Tori before I came here. She and I had a coffee, and an extremely difficult conversation, but I believe we will be able to move forward now. Shauna and I have texted and even had lunch a couple of times. Her brother Hector was actually a guard in the prison and he worked with Eric a lot, so he put Shauna and I back in touch. Eric was friends with Lauren and Lynn from his time in Indianapolis. I've not talked to anyone else. You and Tori were my best friends, so talking to you both today gives me hope." I shrug.
"I turned everyone against you." Christina says. I shake my head but she continues, "I did. Tobias too. When everyone found out you were pregnant, it was such a scandal, and we poured fuel on the fire and then fanned the flames for sure. We may not have understood the choices you made, but it wasn't our place to bad mouth you and pass judgment. The fact that you're willing to sit here in my apartment and have lunch with me is huge."
"Christina, it's in the past." I begin but she interrupts.
"I owe you an apology, even if it's ten years too late. I did make a conscious effort to turn people against you, because I didn't want their focus to be on me – the one who actively decided to get her revenge by stealing your husband. I was immature. I am sorry."
"Apology accepted." I reply and her eyes widen.
"That was quick."
"As my boyfriend reminds me daily, life is entirely too short to be angry over this shit any longer. We are now family, and we've lost ten years. Maybe it was the heavy conversation with Tori earlier, but I'm ready to leave it all behind." I explain.
"That boyfriend of yours has the right attitude." She smiles, "Tob said the two of you seemed really good, like a good solid relationship, and he said that Miles was absolutely adorable."
"Miles has already invited you all to his birthday in August, Callem too." I reply with a grin and she laughs.
"We will be there with bells on! I am really hopeful that we can get the kids together before then. Jayde and Kendall can't stop talking about it, and when we told Micah there's another boy in the family he was ecstatic. He can't wait for Callem to be here. Less than three weeks."
"We can definitely make that happen, Miles is already excited to meet his cousins. I know Eric mentioned this to Tobias, but if you're interested he and Johanna have gotten the girls and boys club up and running over in our office building. It's going to be operating as before and after school care, but during school breaks it's just a normal place for kids to come and blow off steam. Miles goes there every day, and he's already made friends there. It might be nice to have your kids there sometime too." I hedge and her eyes light up.
"That would be wonderful. I'd heard that he's taking in kids from the system as well, that is just outstanding."
"He's got a real soft spot for kids who don't have a good environment to go home to. Or those who have no home to actually go to. They've gotten kids who have been in the foster care system their entire lives. He's doing great work already." I smile.
"Tris, you seem really good. You look so happy." Christina says as I gather up the trash from our lunch.
"I am. Miles has his father, and I have the love of my life." I blush as I rush to throw everything away.
"When's the wedding?" Christina jokes and I shake my head.
"Eventually, I suppose. Eric says he wants to be able to buy the ring himself, and that he wants to be able to be an equal contributor to our household. He accepts the fact that I received part of the hero fund, but I think it also bothers him at times too. He still blames himself for so much." I sigh.
"Their parents really fucked them over." She replies with a sigh of her own. "There are people who had a hard time separating him from Jeanine's war, myself included. Tobias helped me understand him a little better, but other people have taken longer. News of his pardon hit Dauntless a little differently I guess."
"How so?" I query.
"Even though there are no longer factions, there are still old-timers who live here who want everything the way it was before. There are others who viewed him as a traitor, and believe in some conspiracy theory that he orchestrated the whole thing himself. People didn't like him…"
"They didn't know him." I argue.
"True, and I don't excuse their behavior. When he was released, some people were pissed"
"He tried to stop Jeanine, but it was too late by the time he started figuring it out. I'm so tired of people blaming him. They can blame me then too, or even Tobias. We had both seen those same plans about an invasion of Abnegation and neither of us could figure out how they could possibly pull it off…"
"It doesn't matter anymore." Christina interrupts, "He didn't know. He punished himself for almost ten years of his life for crimes he didn't commit. He beat himself up, repeatedly, for not suspecting his own mother of becoming a monster. They're all dead now, all of the people who hurt the men we love are gone. Marcus, Evelyn, Jeanine, Max, Harrison…. Dead. Tris, I was the leader of the pack when it came to bashing him, but not anymore and not ever again. I'm committed to moving forward with our family."
"Thank you." I say with sincerity and she smiles at me.
When I leave to go back to work it's with a long hug, and a promise that we will continue to move forward. I feel light, and almost free. Not only are bridges being rebuilt between the friends I lost so many years ago, but a bridge for our children to finally know each other as cousins is finally in place. Just like Eric had expressed in the past, I'm tired of being angry at people. We all went through a traumatic event years ago, and if we've learned and grown from that event, we can rebuild.
I'm ready for the next chapter of my life to begin, one that includes Eric, Miles, our future children, our extended family, and our old friends. Life is too short for anything other than happiness.