Well, happy late fourth of July, I guess. I've been told that (at least) some stores don't exactly do the whole " you break it, you buy it" thing the way I thought they did. But, for the sake of the story, this is how it works in this piece.
"Make sure to get another box of the special edition, cinnamon coated Lickety-splits." Dag held up an empty box.
I nodded while typing that into the grocery list saved onto my phone. "You sure you don't wanna come along?" I asked.
I was trying to be nice. After what happened at the mall almost a week ago, I was iffy about ever letting him go anywhere with me, at least for a little while.
"I'm sure. The Classic Movie Channel is finally running 'Curse of the Mummy's Curse'." He replied. "I need to see the ending."
That should keep him busy until I get home. It worries me leaving him to his own devices sometimes.
"Okay, then. I'll be home soon." I stuffed my phone into my mini backpack.
I grabbed my keys and headed for the door.
"Wait a minute." He said.
Spoot. Something told me to run for the door.
"We have a DVR. We can watch it later and have Lickety-splits to snack on." He continued.
"Okay, but don't go psycho on anybody today." I replied.
Dag bounded out the door without answering me.
I looked up at the beautiful, sunny sky while thinking that it was just my luck that the weather was a bit too warm for him to sit in the car today.
Once inside the grocery store, Dag made sure he got to pick out the shopping cart.
He picked one with three wheels (again) and struggled to push it over to me.
I slapped my hand over my face. "You have got to be-"
"Oooh!" He ran for the gumball machine, then skidded to a stop. "You got a quarter?"
"Don't you already have gum?" I asked.
"I don't want gum. I want that high bounce ball that looks like an eyeball." He answered.
I dug around in my pocket and found one quarter. "Here."
He snatched it out of my hand and hurried over to the machine before some little kid could reach it first.
I quickly replaced the cart for a better one while he wasn't looking.
When I turned around, I saw Dag chasing the runaway ball across the front of the store.
He finally got it and quickly caught up with me; he didn't even notice the cart was different.
"Why can't I push the cart?" He whined.
"'Cause you crashed it into a freezer last time." I answered.
"Ah, come on, the wheel was messed up. You can't say that was all my fault." He folded his arms.
"You picked it out and were running around with it, so it is all your fault." I replied.
"Go pick out a watermelon. They're too heavy for me." I motioned in the direction of the display while I looked over the bananas.
Daggy walked off, muttering under his breath.
I get the feeling that this was a bad idea. I hope I'm being paranoid. The store isn't crowded, so what could possibly go wrong?
I looked up in time to see Dag frantically trying to prevent an avalanche of watermelons.
Before I could reach him, all but the one melon he was holding in his hands hit the floor; chunks of watermelon and seeds splattered all over him.
I suddenly remembered the advice Norb gave me about situations like this: walk away and pretend you don't know him. That would save me the trouble, but this is my brother and I couldn't just bail on him. Besides, he had already spotted me; even if I wanted to follow that advice, we do kinda look alike.
"What did you do?" I glanced at the display stand, already getting an idea of what happened.
"They were sitting up there loose." Dag replied.
"Did you-" I could feel the presence of somebody looming over me.
Sure enough, one of the employees was standing behind me.
I grinned sheepishly. "Uhm.. I'll pay for those. We're really sorry."
Before Daggy could say a word, I slapped my hand over his mouth.
To my surprise, I was allowed to keep shopping after I paid for my brother's mistake.
"Why'd you do that?" Dag questioned. "We shouldn't have to pay for the spooty way those were set up there."
"Let me ask you this: did you grab the bottom melon?" I picked up a loaf of bread.
"Yeah? So what?" He shrugged.
"If you move the bottom one, the top ones have nothing to sit on. So, they fall." I explained.
"Oh." He mumbled.
"Remember to pay me back later." I continued down the aisle.
Dag got right beside me like he was trying to figure out how to ease me out of the way. "I guess it's a bad time to tell you I'm broke, huh?"
I stopped so fast that Daggy walked right into the handlebar; he grunted and rubbed at his slightly sore chest.
"You're broke again?" I nearly shrieked. "What did you spend your money on this time?"
"Hmm... Let's see..." Dag leaned on the cart. "I had to renew my prescription for the Muscular Beaver comics."
"You could buy the ebooks, y'know. It's much cheaper." I gripped the handlebar tighter. "And it's a subscription, not a prescription."
"I ordered something else." Dag continued. "I can't remember what it was. It might've been for that howler leech repellent that I never got. Or it could've been for..."
I could feel a headache coming on and started rubbing my head in a pitiful attempt to make it go away. I can't believe he's still ordering junk from that spooty comic company after I told him several times he was being scammed.
And now, we'll have to go through every single thing he owns to see what's new and how much it should've cost. So much for getting any artwork done this afternoon.
"We've been over this. You need to keep track of what you're spending." I forced myself to speak calmly. "Write it down in a notebook, something."
"I did." He grabbed a bag of chips. "But I forgot where I put the notebook."
Before he could drop the bag into the cart, I grabbed it.
"No junk food." I said.
"They're made from potatoes." He sneered. "How is it junk food?"
"It's the way they're made and all the other stuff in it that makes it junk." I replied. "Here. Get these instead." I grabbed a bag of baked quinoa chips and handed it to him.
"Ah, those taste like cardboard." He waved them away with a queasy look on his face.
And this is coming from someone who once ate a candy wrapper because he was really hungry and too impatient to tear it open.
"You could get whatever junk food you want if you were paying for it. But you're not, so put it back." I said.
While he did that, I looked through our grocery list to make sure I wasn't forgetting anything. Honestly, I wouldn't have cared if he'd gotten one, little bag of chips, but I don't have much money right now and I'm not wasting it on junk.
I heard the sound of a bag being ripped open and turned to see Dag eating potato chips.
"Are you crazy?" I asked. "We didn't pay for those."
"We have to now." Dag smirked.
This isn't my day. I struggled to fight the urge to wipe that smug look off his face.
"If you get arrested, I'm not bailing you out." I said through gritted teeth.
"Relax. I've done this before." Dag replied. "As long as you pay for it, they're fine with it."
"Whatever. Don't eat the bag." I tossed the bag of quinoa chips back on the shelf.
In a way, I guess I brought this on myself. I should've known better after what happened in the produce section.
On the next aisle, a woman had left her cart in the middle of the aisle while she stood further down one side of the aisle. She was too busy on her phone to notice us, so I carefully moved her cart to the side and kept going.
Dag was giggling to himself.
"If I'd done that, you'd get ticked off." He said. "You're such a... uh... hippopotamus."
"The word is hypocrite." I corrected. "And I wasn't rude or breaking stuff. That's a big difference there, amigo." I caught him trying to eat the chip bag. "Give me that." I snatched it from him and stuck it in the cart.
I was going to save going down the jelly aisle for last, but a couple of people were blocking the next aisle and the employees stocking the shelves were blocking the way to any of the others.
I knew it would be a bad idea since I hadn't calmed down enough to handle any more of Dag's mishaps. I couldn't wait all day either, so we headed down the aisle.
"Whatever you do, don't touch anything." I instructed.
"Hey, I'm your older brother. I should be telling you what to do." He sulked.
"And, by that logic, you should be setting a good example for me." I retorted. "And, so far, you've epically failed."
I rolled my eyes when I caught him mocking me when he thought I had my back turned.
"You have to pick your battles with him." I whispered to myself.
I could see him standing there with his arms folded out of the corner of my eye.
So what if he's mad at me right now? He's behaving himself at the moment.
I cringed as glass shattered; the sound echoing down the aisle.
I whipped around and my jaw nearly hit the floor.
Dag had knocked three huge jars of jalapenos off the shelf.
"Oops." He stared at the pieces of glass and jalapenos.
"Daggett!" I yelled.
"What?!" He snapped. "That could've happened to anybody!"
"I told you not to touch anything!" I clenched my fists. "And now, look what you've-" I felt someone tap my shoulder.
By the look on Dag's face, I knew we were busted before I could turn around.
Once again, I had to pay for Daggy's mistakes and get a lecture that should've been for him.
Walking back to him gave me enough time to calm down a little. I found him at the end of the aisle we had been on; he was leaning on the cart, looking at his phone.
As soon as he saw me, he quickly put his phone away. I guess he thought I'd take it from him or break it again. He still has his doubts that it really was an accident when we were fighting over it about two weeks ago.
"Alright. We were given one more chance. Please, bro, behave this time." I begged with my hands clasped. "Or I'm strapping you into that baby seat thingy." I held up the little lap belt.
Dag shrugged. "I'm okay with that."
"I said that without thinking it wouldn't embarrass you." I admitted.
"So, can I push the cart now?" He grabbed the handlebar.
"No, you... wait. Has all of this been you acting out until you get your way?" I asked.
"Eeh?" He cocked his head.
"Never mind." I replied. "If you promise me that you won't run it into anything or anybody; or touch anything on the shelves, I'll let you push it."
"I promise." He said.
Before he could take off, I grabbed the side of the cart.
"Give me your super secret solemn beaver promise on this one." I ordered.
"Why?" He asked.
"Because you'll make sure to keep it so you won't be banished to the highest mountain and forced to wear an itchy sweater for the rest of your life." I replied.
"Good point." Dag said. "Okay, okay, I promise. Are ya happy now?"
"I'll be happy when we get back home." I let go of the cart.
Dag led the way, a beaver obsessed with being careful not to damage anything else.
Why couldn't he have done this earlier? I have to wonder if he really was doing all that stuff on purpose.
You can never tell with him. One minute, he says something that sounds incredibly smart; the next minute, he's barricading the house for a howler leech invasion he read about in a comic book.
We were almost done when Dag either tripped over his own feet or he slipped, sending the cart into a display of ramen noodles.
Most of those packs exploded the second they hit the floor; noodles scattered all over the floor.
"T-t-that was an accident, I swear!" Dag stammered. "I kept my promise."
"Yes, you did." I helped him up.
Dag darted over to get the cart; he slipped in noodles, but quickly got back up and grabbed the cart's handle.
"You two again?" An employee asked.
I rubbed the back of my head. "I-I can-"
"Let me handle it." Dag put his hand on my shoulder and eased me behind him. "You see, noodle packs explode all the time, so-"
And the next thing I knew, we were being escorted out the door after I used what little money I had left to pay for the noodles and our groceries.
On the way out, we were told we could never shop there again.
By this time, it was blazing hot outside. A perfect day to forget where I parked the car.
"We should sue them." Dag seethed. "We shouldn't be banned for something that happens every day."
"Crashing a cart into a ramen noodle display happens everyday?" I unlocked my car doors.
"Yeah. Isn't that what the Internet means by a 'noodle incident'?" Dag asked as he helped me load the groceries into the backseat of the car.
"That's the name of a writer's trope." I answered. "It isn't always about noodles."
"That's stupid." Dag mumbled.
I pushed the cart into one of those corral thingies and walked back to the car.
I started the car and headed for home.
"Look at the bright side: we did get the eyeball… ball." Dag held up the toy.
"I didn't want it." I said. "And why do you want that anyway?"
"Because it's cool and mom thought it was too morbid and wouldn't let me get one when I was a kid." Dag gently tossed it up and caught it in his hand.
"You showed her, didn't you?" I replied.
"Not yet. I still have to send her a picture of it." He said.
I'm so glad things worked out for him. Like he deserves to be rewarded for what happened.
I caught a glimpse of my watch and wondered when exactly that movie was supposed to come on.
"By the way, you did set the DVR for your movie, didn't you?" I asked.
Dag dropped the ball on the floor. "I was supposed to set it?"
"Well, duh, it's not a mind reader." I said.
"Spoot!" He flopped back against the seat hard. "I've waited years to see the ending!"
I would feel sorry for him if I wasn't forced to pay over a hundred dollars for his mistakes. Right now, I'm feeling a little bad about enjoying his disappointment as much as I am.
I have at least one more chapter for this collection,but it'll probably be a little while as I'm a bit stuck. Also, it will likely be the last one for this story collection. It'll be about Dag and Chelsea on a vacation. I hope you all have enjoyed this chapter as much as I did. If not, I'm sorry. I admit I don't write much comedy stuff. These stories are the most light-hearted of anything I've ever written as I mostly write darker (as in serious, not evil) subject matter.