Three days later, Driver and Zim prepared themselves to meet Mister Krassmann on Ghjitif 89-r.
After the human woke up, she spent about an hour packing clothes, tools, documents, weapons and other such things on her ship for the trip; Zim loaded, according to her instruction, his recently repaired Voot Cruiser inside her very ship, in a small cell where an emergency escape pod used to be kept. Then, they had a quick breakfast in the house's kitchen.
The human locked all the doors and the windows in the house and activated its security system. At this point they would have been good and ready to depart, but she decided to spend a full fifteen minutes giving her cat a heartfelt, tearful goodbye, much to Zim's annoyance: she had scooped the animal up in her arms and then proceeded to hug it, and kiss it and shower it with the corniest, mushiest, disgustingest words of affection, telling it how much she loved it and how much she would miss it, like it was her own baby-child that she was about to never seen again.
"If you'll miss it so much, why don't you just bring it along?" Zim asked. He wasn't enthusiastic about the prospect of sharing a space with that rude fur-ball, but it would have at least cut that pathetic display short.
"No way! The depths of space are too dangerous for such a cutie-patootie of a kitty! Aren't they? Aren't they?" she asked the cat as she rubbed her nose against its; the little beast purred loudly in agreement and licked its master's face.
Zim cringed. Why were earthlings so obsessed with touching and with tongues and with touching each other with their tongues?
"Hey, Zim! Why don't you pet him too? Just once? Pleeease?" the human pleaded as she lowered the cat on the floor in front of him.
Zim looked between her and the cat. Couldn't she see the obvious expression of sheer repugnance on his face? But he knew he had no choice but to play along: if he didn't, the human could have spent hours trying to convince him otherwise.
Zim stroked the cat's head three times as fast as he could, as hard as he could; the little animal, taken aback by the awesome strength of his movements, jerked its head back, ears lowered, and looked at him with a mix of confusion and discomfort.
"Haha! Animals aren't your strong suit, are they?" the human giggled.
"No, they are not. Now can we go?" he begged.
Thankfully, she nodded.
"Goodbye, Cat" she waved her hand to the animal.
Despite that, the cat followed them as they headed to the passage behind the pendulum clock in the living room; when they entered it, it sat down in front of it, looking at them with a somewhat longing expression. It had probably learned to tell when its master was simply going to hang in the basement and then come back later, from when she was leaving for a mission.
The pendulum clock slid back into place behind them, preventing it from following them further.
"Doesn't that little beast have a name? Humans usually name their pets" Zim noted as they climbed down the stairs.
"He's just 'Cat'" the human shrugged, "There aren't many other cats to mix him up with in space anyway".
Zim eyed her. Sometimes she would behave extra weird, even for a human. He wondered if the other humans had banished her because she didn't name her cat like the rest of them. Maybe keeping a book with a drawing of a naked woman in it was part of the reason too...
In any case, had it been up to him, he could have made that cat fit for space in no time: all it needed was a few small tweaks, just like he'd done with Peepi! Only in a less... destructive, uncontrollable, colossal way. Then, at the very least, they could have saved themselves those lamentable scenes each time they had to leave the house.
... except that didn't really matter, did it? He had his ship. He had a brand new shiny glove covering his right hand. Soon, he would have his monies. And, possibly, soon he would have the solution to the Earth situation: after this, he wasn't going to step into that house anymore.
Or see that human ever again.
Zim hadn't spent that much time with her or in her house, but for whatever reason, that thought appeared surreal to him, and stirred a vaguely unpleasant feeling inside of him.
But exactly because of its unpleasantness, he tried to suppress it: he was supposed to like the thought of leaving that stinky house and that horrid human behind once and for all to finally concentrate on his mission. And he was going to like it… whether he liked it or not.
They stepped into her ship, and then into its main control room, which was relatively spacious, measuring a good twenty steps in length, with two additional seats on each side of the pilot's.
The human sat in the middle, while Zim took the place to her left.
Then, she initiated the take-off procedure: she started the engines, and, by pressing a sequence of buttons, she opened the ceiling of the basement to the blue sky of her planet.
With the pull of a lever, the ship took off, emerging from the underground laboratory, hovering above the grass field in front of her house.
Finally, she launched it towards space, and they left the atmosphere of her small rented planet.
Zim looked down: it really looked like a mini version of the Earth. From up there, he could see the cows and the chickens and the other animals she had mentioned owning. He thanked the Universe that she wasn't as attached to those other beasts as she was to the cat: the thought of having to pet goodbye each and every one of those smelly monsters made him want to barf.
After leaving the solar system at hyper-speed, she settled the ship at a much slower, placid pace. He had to admit, she handled all the controls with the ease and expertise of a veteran space-traveler; she had even been nonchalantly humming a quiet tune the whole time. The only other human he'd seen displaying comparable skills was- but immediately he repressed that dreaded three-letter name in the darkest recesses of his psyche: this woman-human was awful enough to think about on her own.
The human put the ship on auto-pilot; then, she turned to him with an enthusiastic voice:
"Wow, Zim! The ship runs even better than it did before! It works like it did when it was brand new! How did you manage that?"
Zim shrugged, holding up his chin in a conceited pose.
"Were you expecting any less, human? I've fixed ships ten times more advanced than this one. After all, I have been officially declared the Most Incredible Irken Ever" he bragged.
The human let out a chuckle.
"After what you did on this ship, I don't have a hard time believing that".
Zim smiled smugly and puffed his chest: if there was one thing this human ever did right, was recognizing his superiority.
"Have you ever been to Ghjitif 89-r, Zim?" she asked.
"I have not" he replied. He'd never even been in that part of the universe at all. "What's it like?"
"Hmmm… it's kinda small. And crowded. Kinda loud and chaotic at times. I always meet there with the Boss before hempzin season and other missions. I personally think it's quite charming! There are lots of interesting people there. I think you'll like it".
Zim cocked an eyebrow at her.
"I doubt I'd ever like anything that you, oddly-opinionated woman, would define 'charming'" he scoffed.
The human turned to him, smirking:
"I do think you are pretty charming" she winked.
Zim felt his cheeks flaring up, and he turned his face away from her: he would never grow accustomed to that type of compliments. Especially from her.
"Yeah, yeah, whatever" he mumbled. "Anyway, how far is it?"
"Oh, we'll be there in about three hours, give or take".
Zim frowned uncomfortably. He should have insisted on flying his own Cruiser, but the human had pointed out that flying his clearly Irken vehicle in plain sight would be too suspicious after the bar accident. Back then, being stuck with her in an enclosed space with her for a few hours hadn't seemed like a big deal, but now that he was actually sitting next to her… he thought using his ship would have been a risk worth taking.
"Say, human. Why did you escape the Earth anyway?" he asked her.
"Well, I-"
The human abruptly stopped for a moment. Then, she continued in an unsure, vague tone:
"I didn't like it".
Zim raised his antennae, suddenly curious. Such a blunt, lacking answer for someone who liked to talk so much.
"You didn't like it" he repeated.
"Yeah? I thought I'd made it pretty clear, every time we talked about it"
"Yes, but why? Did the other humans drive you away? Were you weird?"
"Do I seem weird to you?" she cocked an eyebrow, seemingly amused.
"As a human? Yes, very. I've never seen one who hated their planet this much" Zim replied. And then, thinking of the Earth thing the human had complained the most about, he guessed: "Was it skool?"
"Uhhh… skool played a big part, yes. Whyyy?" her tone changed on that last note, getting all cheeky and teasing, "Are you curious about me?"
And just like that, his curiosity vanished into thin air.
"No" he decisively crossed his arms on his chest, "Not at all. I just don't get why you'd act so suspiciously secretive about it"
"Suspiciously? I'm just saying, isn't the present much more interesting?" she argued back (ironically, doubling down on the suspicious secretiveness). "How many humans can say they have their own self-sustaining planet-"
"Full of unintelligent, smelly animals" he butted in.
"Or that they have enjoyed the company of a rare, exotic alien beauty?" she flashed that suave grin again, causing him another heart-sting.
She really knew how to strike where it hurt, didn't she?
"Ugh" he gagged, disgusted. "Give me a break. I'm going to throw up"
"My point was, Zim… that it's kinda personal" she answered more honestly.
She still had no intention of elaborating further on the argument, because she continued with a very unsubtle, derailing:
"Anyhoo! This is gonna get boring real fast if we get caught up in a dead-end argument! Can't we just enjoy each other's company, with no extra-thoughts?"
"No. No, we can't" he flatly replied. Or at least, he certainly couldn't.
The human was right, though: that conversation was growing stale. She hadn't even addressed half of his points. Maybe it was never interesting to begin with: the human had probably only acted so reserved to catch his attention.
"Say, what do you usually do when you're on a trip in your ship?" she asked.
"I, eh... listen to music and play videogames…?" he replied. Usually, he also had to deal with Gir's shenanigans, but this time he was careful not to mention him. "Sometimes I shoot the passing ships, too"
"See, me too! Another thing we have in common!"
"'Another'?"
"That's three things we can easily work from to make the trip more bearable! See, Zim? I am normal"
"You're as far as one can possibly be from normal, woman. And not just as a human" Zim corrected her: as a matter of fact, she was one of the least normal people he'd ever met.
"Hahaha!" the human simply chuckled, nodding in agreement.
And then, as if to own up to her abnormality, she posed him a totally unrelated, unexpected question:
"Hey, Zim? What are you going to do after Mister Krassmann answers your question?"
Zim blinked, surprised at the sudden change of subject.
"Eh... I'm going to focus on my next mission, of course!"
"Uhm. Sure. But, uh... what if... he can't answer it?"
Zim looked at her, puzzled. He had, of course, considered that possibility, and he absolutely dreaded that he might have to aimlessly wander through space again, looking for a solution.
But where was the human going with this?
"What about it?" he asked her back.
"I... guess I'm just saying that... well, I am ninety percent sure he knows how to solve your problem, but... just in case he doesn't... just know that..." the human stammered in an unusually unsure, awkward fashion. It was as though she was struggling to pick the right words: she was always so, so careful with the way she conveyed her speech when it came to sensitive topics.
In the end, she took a deep breath, and summed up her thoughts in a very simple, short, and yet effective sentence:
"Just know that I'll be there to help you".
Normally, the support of a human would have meant less than nothing to him; and realistically speaking, he doubted she could do anything to help him, if that possibility were to become real. And yet, knowing that he would have someone to rely on in that eventuality was... relieving. At the very least, he wouldn't have to feel as lonely as he had during that first couple of weeks of space-roaming.
Another notable detail was, that no one before had ever offered to help him in such a pressing, difficult issue without an ulterior motive or without being subordinate to him: in Irken society, if one was unable to complete their mission, those around them normally scorned them, or took the opportunity to hijack said mission and look good in front of the Tallest.
That human, instead, had come to his assistance every single time he'd been in distress, whether he'd requested it or not, and without asking for anything in return.
Sure, he could write that off as mere human-typical sappiness and ingenuity, but he couldn't really deny how comforting it was. Especially now, that he'd do everything he could to escape the threat of loneliness. And she had such a sweet, yet pragmatic way to go at it too: in those moments, she'd look so infinitely wise and trustworthy.
He looked down to his feet, at once embarrassed and reassured by her words, nervously tugging at the edge of his tunic.
"Hm. Yeah. Hm. Thanks" he murmured, hoping that she wouldn't actually hear him.
An awkward silence fell between them.
Zim wasn't looking at the human, but he could practically feel the weight of her body on the seat next to him.
Soon, he felt the weight of her gaze on himself, too.
And sure enough, after a short while, the human called his attention again:
"Uhm… hey…" that soft, quiet voice preluded on its own what was about to happen, even in its apparent hesitance.
Oh-uh.
He already knew what was coming.
In the corner of his eye, her hand slowly reached for the right armrest of his seat.
Zim dared to turn and look at her, and just as he'd guessed, she had that familiar, nauseating, desirous expression on her face.
"I know you said that last time would be the last one, but... if you do find your answers, we might not see each other for a long time. Sooo…"
Her index finger tickled his arm, making him shiver.
Zim gulped.
He had, in fact, said that last time would be the last one. And he'd stated that with the utmost, sincerest, staunchest conviction.
But now that he was looking at her, he felt his resolve waver under her stare: the desire she felt for him transpired through her eyes. It was practically squashing him.
And, most embarrassing thing of all, he could feel a similar type of desire arise within him, directed back at her.
Zim sat still, paralyzed by his conflicting emotions.
Just say no. Just refuse her repulsive advances. How hard can it be?!, he tried to reprimand himself, yet deep down he knew that refusing was, in fact, pretty hard.
Painfully pretty hard.
...
... well...
After all, he had already compromised himself pretty badly, so... what difference would one more time make at that point?
Right?
Besides, this was definitely destined to be the last time. After that, whether the Krass-man knew the answer to his problem or not, he would have flown off into space to never see her again, anyway.
Maybe just... ONE… ONE last time before I quit for good, a sniveling voice pleaded inside of him.
Oh, how he hated that voice, the voice of… of… temptation. It sounded so weak and pathetic, yet its pleas were so impossibly persuasive. And the sensation that would accompany it! He could distinctly feel it creeping inside his mind, his brain, his body, like a venomous serpent whose skin was soaked with an irritating poison, that made everything it touched inflamed and... itchy.
Oh, how he utterly hated this human, that was the source of it all...
"Alright, FINE!" he finally gave in with a defeated, frustrated growl. He sharply stood up on his seat, turned to her.
The human immediately turned her seat towards him, smiling with eager enthusiasm. Ew.
"BUT, you're going to keep your slithering, grabby hands behind your back!" he ordered, pointing at the pair of wretched appendages.
The human giggled. Still, she obeyed, slowly moving her arms behind her back.
"At your orders, chief" she said in a seducing voice.
Zim felt his heart skip a beat at that. Even when she was doing what he wanted, even without touching him, her voice alone was enough to make him feel as though she'd just punched him right in the squeedily spooch. Maybe she was using ultrasounds...
"You have no idea what a chief is, do you?"
"Of course I do, corporal"
"Alright, enough".
The human once again obeyed and kept quiet, a faint smile lingering on her lips.
He really, really wished she didn't have a face: this would have made what he was about to do so much easier.
Zim swallowed hard, and having gathered all his courage he cupped her cheeks with his hands and kissed her, keeping his eyes closed shut.
He felt her lips part under his push, smooth, and soft, and moist, and his whole body quivered at the sensation, feeling even hotter and itchier than before.
The human was kissing him back, but Zim tried his hardest to forget there was even another living being in that ship with him, he pretended instead to be touching a robot, or (even better) a totally unconscious object.
Back when she had kissed him in front of her vegetable-emergence grounds, he had sworn he would have never allowed it to happen to him again.
However, the next day the same horrible scene had played out, this time when she'd come down into his lab to check on him.
And then again, on the next day, this time twice, first at noon, then after dinner.
And on the day after this one, and even on the day after that one.
Each time, he would swear to never be swept again into such disgusting acts, but then there would be one fatal moment, a mere fraction of second wherein their eyes would meet or their bodies would touch, and an awkward silence would fall between them. And after that, it would be only a matter of time before they inevitably started (he shuddered, thinking that stupid, revolting word) making out again.
And why did he keep falling for it?
Well, the only logical explanation, as he had already established, was that it was merely an illusion created by his malfunctioning PAK. An illusion that made mushing mouths together with that human feel... good.
That was the point. It felt so thoroughly, viscerally, crushingly good.
He couldn't pinpoint exactly what kind of 'good' it was. Truth to be told, he'd never experienced anything quite like it. The closest comparable sensations were maybe the sense of relief one felt when they satiated their appetite after a long, excruciating fast, or the thrilling, ecstatic feeling one would get during a triumphant, explosion-filled victory against their worst enemy.
Not only that, every time he kissed her he felt so confident and secure about himself, like nothing could ever go wrong, as if all of his worries and problems were being flushed away, and all he could feel was a sense of content lightness and burning excitement mixed together.
He realized now, though regrettably too late, that the initial idea of staying away from the human wasn't necessary to keep her away from him. Rather, the contrary.
He should have never, never, broken that promise to himself in the first place.
But, of course, this attraction wasn't real. This wasn't him. This was, in fact, everything that he fundamentally loathed and wasn't: gross, and soft, and sweet, and vulgar, and intimate, and... animal-like.
And he needed to constantly remind himself of that, lest he'd forget it.
Luckily, he'd found a way to make these 'making-out sesshes' slightly less humiliating for him, his only oasis of solace among an ocean of shame: he'd managed to convince the human to keep her hands away from him.
This way, he felt like he was at least a little bit more in control: he had his hands on her, but she couldn't.
It also made the whole thing less pleasant, and therefore more manageable.
Indeed this was a highly valuable victory for him, despite its apparent minuscule size.
Now, as he kissed her, Zim pressed his hands firmly into her face. From an outside perspective, it might have looked like he was trying to contain her.
He probed and tasted at her lips with his own, and all of his problems slowly faded into the back of his mind, numbed down, even the profanity of the act itself did.
Occasionally, when she got a little too exuberant or teethy (he still hadn't quite recovered from the biting incident from a few days back) with her own kisses, he would press down on her cheeks in a sign of reproach, and usually she would settle down. This appeared to be one of such cases.
Now feeling more confident, Zim slid his tongue inside her mouth, imitating the same movements she'd previously used on him: he felt her shivering, overwhelmed for a few moments, before she settled down and matched his movements accordingly.
He should've felt elated, he supposed, knowing that she could be manipulated in the same way that he was by her: she, too, was being strung along by her desire for him. But at the end of the day, it was her game that he was playing: he had already lost on principle, hadn't he?
Everything went relatively smoothly for a while, but just as Zim was getting comfortable in his faux-controlling position (as comfortable as he could feel in such a situation), he felt a pair of unwelcome, human hands moving on his chest.
Immediately he broke their kiss, drawing his body back from her touch and holding her face away by the cheeks:
"Hey, I said no hands!" he shouted, outraged that she would break their pre-established deal.
"S-sorry, I forgot" she panted.
That apology didn't seem that honest though, because she immediately switched her tone:
"Come onnn" she whined, her voice muffled by his hands squishing her cheeks, "Just this once! This might be the last time, right? So..."
She tried to reach him again, but he swiftly grabbed her wrists and pushed her arms away.
"I said no hands! Your mouth is gross enough on its own!"
The human briefly stared at him with a neutral, somewhat bored look. Then, all of a sudden, her expression changed into a smirking one:
"No hands, uh?" she grabbed the edge of his tunic, and pulled it up to expose his shirt under it.
"Does that mean I can kiss your belly, as long as it's only my mouth?" she asked.
"NO YOU CAN'T KISS MY BELLY!" Zim screamed as he slapped her disgusting, grabby hand off his tunic.
"That's it, you've ruined it! No more make-outs!" he declared in a literally pain-filled voice: the image of her mouth kissing his torso was now ingrained in his brain, and he felt like it would give him an aneurysm at any moment.
"Alright, geez! I was only joking!" the human pouted. And then she added, in a softer, calmer voice: "Come on, let's start from the top like nothing happened-"
She put her hands behind her back again, and leaned towards him.
"I said we're done here, dirt-ape" Zim hissed.
He turned and let himself sink back into the safety of his seat, arms crossed in a disgruntled pose.
The human stared at him for a moment, then threw her hands in the air in a gesture of pure disbelief.
"What?! Just like that?! You're leaving me hanging like this?!" she protested.
"That's what you get for breaking your promises, you disloyal earth-worm!" Zim spat back.
The human grumbled, disappointed. She turned back to the ship's wheel in a slow, surrendered motion.
"You know, Zim, demeaning people like you do is quite cruel" she reproached him, eyes focused on the open space in front of them. She really did seem a bit offended. "What would happen if you did that to someone less patient and courteous than me? There's no need to be so harsh to someone who's only trying to make things more pleasant-"
"This is NOT pleasant! There's NO way I would ever find this pleasant! YOU are the depraved one here!" Zim shouted back.
The human didn't bother turning or responding to him. She did giggle when he uttered the word 'depraved', though.
Zim narrowed his eyes on her. He continued with his angry speech, hoping he would eventually be able to get under her skin and get back at her for her betrayal:
"And by the way, this REALLY was the LAST time!"
"Yeah, sure it was" the human said. Her tone overflowed with sarcasm.
"I am SERIOUS!"
"You sure are"
"And I hated every second of it!"
"It sure shows".
Lying wasn't going to work with her. She was too good at seeing through it. The truth then, maybe...
"Well, and I SURE can't wait to open my PAK and erase all the horrible memories I have of you" he finally growled at her.
But in spite of his intentions, the human's smug smile persisted on her face. Instead, she simply replied:
"We'll see about that" she simply replied, in a way that distinctly sounded confrontational.
"And another thing, human. Listen carefully..." he growled, a finger threateningly pointed at her. "Once we board off your ship, you're NOT going to tell ANYTHING about us doing... THAT THING to the Krass-man, nor to any other living soul! Or else!"
"Oooh" she cooed "A secret relationship. I've always wanted one! I feel like I'm living the forbidden love story I never could as a teenager…" she sighed all dreamily.
Zim was about to protest that there was not a single relationship and much less a ROMANCE going on between them, when the human continued in a more serious tone:
"Of course I won't say anything, Zim. I don't like sharing that kind of private stuff. Especially with the Boss. I told you already, right? Your secret is safe with me".
Zim stared at her, his anger caught up in his throat. She did seem much more honest now. And she had repeated that promise every time the subject was brought up: he seemed to be safe on that front, at least.
"Lemme give you a warning, too" she continued. "Remember to control that temper of yours around the Boss: he isn't as patient as I am".
And then, out of nowhere, before he could even process what she'd just said, she asked him:
"Hey, wanna listen to some music?"
She pressed a button on the control panel and the ship's radio turned on, playing an anonymous, generic pop song from a planet unknown.
Zim looked between the human and the radio. He was about to protest her arrogance further, but then he realized he wanted to continue that conversation even less than her: arguing with that stubborn human was exhausting. It was even worse than arguing with that other three-letter-named Earthling.
Besides, sitting still while listening to music for the rest of the trip would be way better than kissing.
Zim sighed.
"Yeah, why not" he conceded, his voice now calm and much quieter. "This is kind of... catchy".
The human smiled. She tapped her finger on the control panel to the beat of the song, as the ship soared deeper and deeper into outer space.
After three hours of travel, the planet Ghjitif 89-r finally came into sight: it started out as a small, bright dot which slowly developed in what was essentially a big dark ball sprinkled with tiny red lights.
The closer they got, the more peculiar that planet looked: one half looked like the standard civilized planet, with night lights shining over a few isolated areas of its surface, while the other was occupied by three huge, magma-filled volcanic craters. They must have been the biggest volcanoes Zim had ever seen, and he had visited dozens of volcanic planets over the course of his life.
Another weird detail was that the entire planet was covered in darkness, save for the aforementioned craters and city lights. Zim looked around, and sure enough, there was no sun in sight for the planet to orbit. But usually, the only habitable sunless planets were artificial: how else would they produce the light and heat necessary for life to survive? So maybe those big red circles weren't magma at all?
"Human? Are those volcanoes?" he asked.
"Yep! Cool, aren't they?"
"So it's not an artificial planet?"
"No, it's all natural! The light and heat come directly from within the planet, from its core. There's even an ocean between the big volcanoes and the cities, but it's all boiling-hot water…" she sighed with a weird sort of regret in her voice.
Zim was genuinely impressed. That was a very unusual planet, to say the least. And it looked pretty dangerous to live on, too: just what kind of place was the human bringing him to?
It surprised him even more, as they got closer to the planet's orbit, that a considerable amount of space vehicles were coming and leaving the planet; so the possibility of the whole appointment story being an excuse to drag him there and chuck him into one of the volcanoes thinned, at least a little.
The human's ship broke into Ghjitif 89-r's atmosphere, and she set course up north until they reached a little town overlooking the boiling sea. She picked a big, messy, overcrowded parking lot on its outskirts to park in: the vehicles were disorderly lined up in irregular rows over a wide, flat space enclosed in a cheap-looking, unreliable metal fence. It took her quite a while to find a good spot to leave the ship at a proper distance from all the other occupants.
After they boarded off and while they were going for the exit, that's when Zim's alert was raised again, as he saw some very suspicious individuals: the first were a couple of alien guys, different species, who were babbling incoherently and were precariously waddling around while hugging each other; they walked past him and the human, and he could smell that they reeked of alcohol. He wondered if there was a possibility that they'd find their ships and mess with them, since they were heading that direction.
The second suspicious guy was even more disturbing, even though he only had a few seconds to look at him: he was leaning against a ship, hidden in a narrow row of spacecrafts that the surrounding lampposts struggled to illuminate, and he had a huge, hunched figure; Zim accidentally met his eyes and the stranger glared at him all threateningly with his bright, yellow eyes. He had a big, horrible scar carved in his face.
Zim immediately turned his gaze away and luckily he didn't follow them.
He was immensely relieved when they finally left that much-too-quiet, badly lit parking lot. There was a whole line of short, black buildings lining the metal fence, and the human guided him down a narrow alleyway between them. She walked confidently and swiftly through what looked to him like a maze of near identical dark buildings. Red lamps built in the same style as the lampposts shed a bright, yet ominous light on their way from their walls. A similarly creepy light came, bizarrely enough, from every manhole Zim saw in those alleys, shining through their tiny bars.
Does… someone live under there? Where on Irk am I?!
They were seemingly heading towards a confused buzz of voices, presumably coming from the main road of the town. The more they walked, the louder they became. Too loud, in fact. And they were mixed with what sounded like gunshots.
The first word that popped into Zim's mind when they stepped out of the final narrow alleyway was: chaos. Complete, unadulterated chaos.
It was an assault on all senses: there were dozens, maybe hundreds of people moving frantically in all directions throughout that long, wide street. There were so many, the floor was barely visible. They were of all kinds of alien species, many of which Zim couldn't identify, dressed and styled in starchily different colors and manners. If he could've snapped a photo of the scene, it would have looked like one of those ugly Earth paintings made up of random strokes of paints carefully selected to appear as ugly and as migraine-inducing as possible.
The noise they made was even worse: a cacophonous choir drumming in his ears, they shouted, they laughed, they argued, they screamed, it was impossible to rule out what any of them were saying, or what language exactly they were speaking. Zim was also sure now that those he'd heard were, indeed, gunshots: he could see the bullets and lasers, shooting up into the air above the crowd in a variety of colors against the dark sky.
The air was dense with the strong mixed smell of gunpowder, smoke, alcohol, and food.
Zim stood petrified on the alley's exit for a few moments: he was convinced there must be some kind of violent riot going on, and that they better escape before the local armed forces intervened, possibly preventing them from leaving.
The human however stepped into the crowd with the same nonchalance she'd shown when she was walking through the empty, quiet alleyways. When she noticed he wasn't following her, she turned around to call him:
"Come on, Zim!" she shouted, her hand signaling him to go on and follow her. Maybe his impressions about the riot were wrong?
Zim drew out his PAK legs and walked into the street on them: if he'd tried to walk among that crowd with his small stature, he would have probably been trampled to death.
The buildings there were different, as they seemed to reflect the multicultural nature of the crowd: some looked well kept and kind of fancy, others looked old and ruined; they were built in very different styles, too, like whoever built them came from different planets, and the signs written in different alphabets supported that. The one common characteristic between all of them was their small height, at least for the average space town. The lighting too wasn't the best: it looked much more like the lamppost system on Earth. Pretty lackluster for a planet without sun.
What struck Zim the most about the architectural aspect of the place, though, was the pavement: a bright light shone through the gaps between the cobblestones below, and it was then that he realized where the light in the manholes in the alleyways must come from: the core of the planet, irradiating its heat and energy from within, just like the human had said.
Going back to the people, they indeed didn't seem to be dangerous, but they did look… concerning. This wasn't the standard overcrowded interspecies planet like, say, Foodcortia was. Everything that was going on there seemed… eh… what was the word…
To his right, a group of insect-like aliens, each smoking a huge cigar, each wearing a long dark coat, congregated around a small store, threw a furtive look past their shoulder, like they were making sure they weren't being followed, and sneaked past the door; to his left, two tall, humanoid aliens walked past them, snickering, and holding a big treasure chest by each handle. Their upper half was covered in tattoos, they both wore necklaces made of tiny skulls, and they were carrying two huge laser cannons on their backs. A chubby, very anxious-looking guy carried a heavy bag over to a window facing the street; he knocked on the glass, and when the owner opened it he poured the contents of the bag inside: they were all small devices, like watches, cellphones, game consoles, mixed with the odd wallet. A woman with two serpentine heads was cooking and selling food on the street, mainly skewers with what looked like roasted rats on them. The majority of the crowd seemed to be smoking, drinking, or both. And absolutely everyone, even the street vendors, had at least one firearm on them.
Ah, yes. Illegal.
Zim scurried closer to the human, who had so far been walking with the same serenity as if she was taking a stroll down a park.
"Human, what IS this place?!" he whispered into her ear.
"Hmm? Oh, it's the Main Street of Portenta-"
"NO, I mean, I- I think we're in danger! Everyone looks so… shady!"
"Shady? Danger?" the human looked around, seemingly confused. "What are you talking about? Everyone's just minding their business".
A glass shattered above them, falling all over the unsuspecting passers-by, and was quickly followed by a guy who violently thudded to the ground.
"AAAAH! MY ARM! MY AAAAARM!" he screamed in agony.
Zim looked up, appalled, at the broken window he'd just been defenestrated from. He seemed to be alone in his shock, though: everyone else casually wiped the glass off their clothes and walked around him, like he was a puddle on the floor.
"Why is no one doing anything?! Where are the authorities?!" Zim tugged on the human's sleeve, panicked.
"Pfff, HA! Authorities? Here?" the human scoffed, incredulous.
It was then that it all added up.
All the smoking, and drinking, and face scars, and long cloaks. The suspicious amount of gold and firearms that everyone carried around. Their violence and their trigger-happiness. Everyone...
"Everyone here is a criminal!" Zim exclaimed, horrified.
"Zim! That's rude!" the human jokingly reprimanded him, "We prefer the term 'high-risk entrepreneurs'".
"I can't believe you'd bring me to a place like this! Are you crazy, human?! Don't you know how valuable PAKs and Irken technology are?!" Zim warily looked around him, fearing that anyone around him could jump him at any moment: he'd heard many scary stories of alien criminals trying to get their filthy hands on Irken technology to resell or reuse it, taking advantage of isolated Irkens.
"Relax. No one is gonna steal from you. There's a ban on theft, murder, and assault. And dire consequences for everyone who doesn't conform. If anything, this is supposed to be a peaceful haven for people like us who want to rest from crime!"
Another glass shattered, this time at ground level, and two snarling guys rolled on the public street, engaged in a furious fist fight. A small crowd soon gathered around them cheering them on and placing bets.
"That's peaceful?!" Zim squeaked, his hands digging into the human's sleeve.
"It's just some friendly parring! Works wonders on stress. Believe me, the whole universe should be like Ghjitif. It's the freest of all worlds!" the human smiled.
Zim couldn't believe it. He couldn't believe her. This world didn't fit her at all, not from what he'd seen so far anyway: the planet she'd built for herself was so calm and quiet and flowery. And yet she was so at ease there, on that planet which was probably the closest thing in the universe to the Earth concept of hell!
"What? You look so tense. You don't like it? I thought you'd fit here" the human said, looking disappointed.
"How?!" he exclaimed, "This place is so not me! Irkens are civilized! It's a disgrace in itself that I'm here! It's not a place a proper person like me should be in!"
"Zim. You're a professional genocider"
"That's a perfectly respectable job" Zim pouted, crossing his arms.
"Hmm. Pretty sure it's universally classified as a crime against Life itself"
"There are no laws in war"
"Well, whatever, you don't have to worry, Zim. It's totally safe here, I promise. It's kinda like a second home for me!" the human reassured him. "That all criminals are evil is just a common misconception. People do what they can to survive. Besides, what's a crime in one place is a regular occurrence in another! Think of diamond-forging, ritual cannibalism, interbreeding..."
She went on with more examples of reprehensible behaviors, and Zim refused to listen after that third one: he refused to be implicitly accused of such a gross act.
They walked through Main Street for a while. Without the criminal crowd, it would have looked like a normal little town: shops, restaurants, offices. Once you grew accustomed to the screams, the excessive swear words, and the gunshots, it wasn't too bad, but Zim would have gladly done without the strong odor of food, alcohol and burnt things mixed together.
The human, despite the dissonance between the town and her mellow demeanor, looked very much in her element. She even greeted a couple people on the way. After a while though, she took a stark turn to the left and guided him down another series of narrow alleyways.
Zim was all in all very relieved to be away from all that illegal chaos, and he was finally able to use his real legs again. The new maze of alleys lead them to a neighborhood much more similar to the first one they'd traversed, with the buildings made of the same dark stone as the pavement, and the red lamps.
"Are these the houses of the natives?" he asked.
"Yep! You guessed right!"
"What are they like?"
"They're... hmm... you'll see when we get to the tavern".
Oh, right: they were supposed to meet the Krass-man at a tavern and have lunch with him. Now that he was so close to meeting him, he realized he didn't feel at all like meeting that... freak. He really, really wished they could have talked to him through a video call instead. Or maybe via mail. Well, there was no turning back at this point, was there?
They walked down this much smaller, less crowded street until they reached a big door with two burning torches on each side; a big stone block was set across the entrance and blocking it. A sign hung above the door: he couldn't read the alphabet it was written in, but it had a serpentine dragon painted under the letters, with small puffs of smoke coming out its nostrils.
"Here, this is the place! The Fuming Dragon! I know, it's weird. Very Medieval Europe"
"What's a Europe? No, I was gonna say stupid"
"Very charming, Zim" she frowned at him.
Then, she turned the door and lightly knocked on the stone block.
"Hello, sir! We have a table booked here!"
Zim didn't understand at first who she was talking to, until the wall all around the door started moving: chunks of stone were detaching from the rest, forming a long, serpentine body- the stone block in front of the door, too, was part of it – it was a snake! No… a dragon! Just like the one on the sign! It stretched its long neck towards them, its skin covered in stone-like scales, and suddenly its eyes shot open to stare at them: they looked themselves like two small volcanic craters, bright, burning, of a near-white yellow. Two horns stood on the top of its reptilian head. A quiet growl came from its throat as it breathed.
"Hi" the human smiled politely at the terrifying monster. "Our business partner should already be inside. Table for three. Probably under the name 'Krassmann'".
The dragon puffed two clouds of thick smoke out of its nostrils. Then, it slowly moved its serpentine body up, until the 'block' stood above the door like a stone arc instead of across it.
"Thank you" the human bowed her head; she opened the door and entered. Zim apprehensively followed behind; when the dragon's head turned at him, he bowed his head too in a sign of respect.
The tavern's aesthetic was in line with the volcanic, draconic style of the planet and its inhabitants: high walls of dark stone, fire torches to light the room up, banners featuring dragons and serpents hanging on the walls. The clientele there seemed much calmer than the crowd in Main Street: they were still shady and brash and loud, but at least they weren't trying to kill each other. Most of them were orderly sitting at their tables, eating food and drinking from their big, fuming mugs; strangely enough, both the smoke and the content had bright, extravagant colors, from hot pink, to neon blue.
Their provenience was quickly explained when Zim saw an alien walking up to the bar's counter with an empty mug: a five-headed dragon behind it, very similar to the one at the door, listened to the alien's order; one of its scaled, clawed hands filled the mug with some kind of beverage; then one of its heads breathed on the mug, blowing a big puff of neon green smoke into the beverage.
Zim recoiled behind the human. This place was possibly even less for him, somehow.
The human, meanwhile, was scanning the room for their table. Finally, she pointed to a place in the furthest right corner.
"There, there he is!"
Zim's eyes followed her pointed finger and he spotted him, too: the shape-shifting Krass-man monster, cloaked in his human man form. He was sitting alone at the table, one leg rested over the other, intent on reading the menu.
Zim couldn't help but feel a shudder down his spine: that 'guy' had to be one of the creepiest creatures he'd ever encountered, even from the distance that separated them. Even more than the fire-breathing dragons and the criminals. No one else in the room probably knew he wasn't actually what he seemed...
The human was instead enthusiastic to meet him: she headed to his table, and when she came close enough to his eye range, the Krass-man lifted his head up and his serious face lightened up in a welcoming smile, which possibly crept Zim even more.
The monster stood up and grabbed the human's hand with a vigorous shake. For one moment, Zim believed he was going to rip it away from its wrist.
"Hello, my dear! What a pleasure to see you again!"
"I'm glad to see you too! Alive and well!" the human smiled back at him, and then, they proceeded to kiss each other's cheeks.
Zim was a bit taken aback by that exchange. He'd never seen the human kiss anyone else before (if he didn't count the cat).
He wasn't able to pinpoint the exact sentiment he felt at that sight, but it was a distinctly unpleasant one. Maybe he should've expected something like that from a human, because human beings kissed all the time, but still... she was kissing a literal, dangerous monster! Between that and the kind of places she hung out at, the human was looking more and more inconsiderate by the minute.
After that, the Krass-man dreadfully turned his smile and hand to him.
Zim looked apprehensively at the human: he had no intention whatsoever to touch him. But, seeing her calm smile gave him the courage to shake the monster's hand anyway.
"Nice to meet you as well, Zim" the Krass-man greeted him.
Since Zim couldn't really reciprocate the sentiment, he simply smiled and nodded at him. At first, he thought with the utmost terror that the Krass-man would want to kiss him on the cheek too. But eventually he let go of his hand, took a step back and invited them to sit at his table with a
"Please, sit!"
Zim and the human took seats in front of him. He wondered if talking to him from the adjacent table would have been considered rude.
"So! How were your last weeks?" the Krass-man asked them.
"Oh, pretty normal, I guess" the human replied. "Everything's fine at home. The usual routine. Oh! I have redacted all the commissioned birth and death certificates! I've got them all loaded on the ship, ready to be shipped".
"Most excellent! I expected no less from you!" he complimented her.
Zim blinked in surprise; that was probably the 'work' she would occasionally mention having to do back at home. She was always so secretive about her job at home, yet now that the Krass-man was present she'd been so able to declare it...
"You… are a State functionary?" Zim asked her.
"Hahaha, oh, no, no!" the human laughed. "They aren't exactly… authentic documents"
"I think you'd make a splendid state functionary" the Krass-man joked.
"I would, wouldn't I? I certainly would be more honest than most of them…"
The human and the Krass-mann giggled at the joke, and Zim forced himself to smile.
"How about you, Zim? How did your first job work out for you?" the Krass-man then turned to him.
"Oh! Er... perfectly, of course!" Zim stated with as much confidence as he could muster.
"Perfectly indeed. The ship is as good as new, if not better!" the human echoed. "Blazingly so, if I might say".
Zim shot a hostile look at her for that terrible, distasteful pun. The Krass-man didn't catch on that, however, and praised him with the same polite passion he'd exhibited with the human:
"Fantastic! I knew I could count on you!"
"Yes, yes, I know, I'm the best" Zim waved his hand dismissively. "Now, where are my monies?"
The human side-eyed him in concern and reprimand; maybe she'd thought he'd sounded rude, but even if so, he didn't really care: he wanted to cut that whole encounter as short as possible.
The Krass-man was impassible in front of his remark:
"Oh, most assuredly. I have them right here" the Krass-man bent down to pick something from under the table; he came back up holding a brown, old-fashioned suitcase that he handed over to him.
"As per our deal. It was a pleasure doing business with you" he smiled.
Zim unlocked the suitcase and suspiciously peeked inside: he would have to count it more closely, but there were indeed monies inside and they did look like they were a lot, all in 500 banknotes, as far as he could see.
"Uh… these are 20,000 monies? In cash?" he'd never seen so many monies in cash all together before, though maybe in the criminal sphere it was something quite normal. Wary of the other clients of the tavern, he sneaked the suitcase under the table, directly in front of his hanging legs.
"Oh, wow!" the human commented, impressed, "I'm guessing your time on Egexol was fruitful".
"Indeed! Everything went smoothly!"
"Uhm... isn't planet Egexol in a war zone right now?" Zim asked.
"It sure is!" the human confirmed.
"It has been for fifty Getts years this year!" the Krass-man nodded with.
"Which is, like, about ten Earth years. Not that impressive when you put it that way" the human clarified.
"Still, I miss smuggling parts of nuclear reactors from one side to the other..." the human then recalled with a voice full of nostalgia.
"That was one of our first missions together, wasn't it?" the Krass-man remembered. "Unfortunately, they have switched to neurotoxic gas and bioweapons of mass destruction now"
"Yeah, but I've heard the market demand for nuclear weapons will rise back up again in the following years!"
"I really hope so, my dear. I really hope so" the Krass-man said with a grave voice.
Zim looked from one to the other and back, incredulous: he had lived way many more years than those two had known each other, and yet the number of their experiences seemed to be comparable to his own.
The human and the Monster Krass-man surely had history together. They looked like they got along pretty well. Maybe they could even be described as friends. What an unlikely pair: a primate, and a terrifying shape-shifting abomination. Or maybe, not so unlikely: neither seemed to have a home planet to call their home. Maybe that's why they'd teamed up as criminals. Maybe, in the unlikely circumstance that he became an outcast, he too might grow desperate enough to seek companionship from different lifeforms.
Might.
And sure, the Krass-man was a horrifying monster that might have killed her at any moment, but he could see why the human wouldn't mind his company: he had the outward appearance of a human; he was polite, just like she was. He was a good listener, like she was. And they were... sitting at a table, smiling at each other, making each other laugh, recalling their shared adventures...
...uh.
He didn't know exactly why, but when those thoughts passed through his mind, he found himself to hate that Krass-monster's guts even more.
Consequently, he was happy when a serpentine waitress, of the same species as that rat-skewer seller he'd seen in Main Street, came to ask for their orders and interrupted their amiable conversation:
"May I take your order?" she asked, her forked tongue slithering between her lips.
The Krass-man invited the human to order first with a polite gesture of his hand and a smile. Oooh, how pretentious. Letting someone order first wasn't that big of a favor! The food was going to arrive at the same time for everyone anyway!
The human turned to the waitress:
"I'll take a-"
"I'M going to take whatever THIS human is taking!" Zim talked over her, raising and waving his arm to attract the waitress' attention.
The human looked at him, puzzled.
"Zim, are you sure? You-"
"Mind your business and order!" Zim hissed.
"Ooo… kay then. Make it two roasted Kass-yi-dors, then"
"Make it three, please!" the Krass-man smiled, raising up three fingers. "And, I'll also be adding three steins of Fuming Red and a bottle of water!"
Zim shot a cautious, yet vicious look at him. Did he just copy them in a pathetic attempt at feeling included? Was he… jealous, maybe that he and his 'beloved human associate' had spent the last two weeks together without him?
"The Kass-yi-dor is certainly their strong dish this year. Excellent choice" the Krass-man commented.
ExCeLlEnT cHoIcE'. Puah! It's just FOOD! Why don't you order your OWN food, demon!, Zim thought with scorn.
"Oh, I don't know" the human giggled, "I only took it because it's the least greasy thing on the menu!"
"Oh, I HATE grease!" Zim declared, his finger raised to the ceiling. "And knowing of our MUTUAL distaste for grease that WE" Zim gestured between the human and himself "SHARE, I decided to entrust upon her my food-ordering!"
The human looked at him with that same puzzled look on her face. The Krass-man, however, had an enragingly agreeable expression on him.
"I greatly dislike grease myself" he agreed.
Oh, of course he would.
Zim really, really wished he could slap his face consequence-freely.
"I'm happy to see you two on much better terms. I get you must have settled your differences and shared a pleasurable time together as colleagues in the past couple of weeks" he continued.
"Ehhh. It was okay" the human answered laconically.
Zim turned to her, incredulous and indignant. 'Ehhh'? 'Okay'? It's true that she had to hide their nefarious misdeeds, but… she didn't have to do it that well! She didn't merely feel 'okay' about his kissing prowess, that's for sure!
Suddenly, the same waitress returned to their table and brought them a bottle of water and three, huge, fuming mugs full of burning red liquor.
Zim looked at the drinks, realizing that he couldn't drink either of them: plain water tasted awful to him, and nothing in the entire universe would have ever compelled him to drink alcohol ever again.
I bet he ordered these on purpose, he thought, full of resentment.
"Your favorite, right?" the Krass-man asked as he lifted up his mug.
"Oh, yes. How I've missed it" the human eagerly picked her own mug up.
Judging from the motions of their arms, they were about to touch mugs and have a toast. As Zim realized that, he determined that he couldn't have stood to be excluded any further from their table activities.
Against his better judgment, he raised the third giant mug above his head.
"ZIM is in it too!" he raised his voice.
"Of course! To a job well done, and to our first time working all together! May this be the sign of more fruitful collaborations to come!" the Krass-man smiled as their three mugs clinked together.
The human turned to him, concerned:
"Zim, are you sure? You don't have to drink that, you know. We can send it back. I'm pretty sure they serve other stuff that you might like. Alcohol-free! Like schmoot-"
"ZiM does NOT drink such infantile drinks!" he protested.
"Oh, I sure do love alcohol!" he declared as he brought the fuming mug to his mouth and chugged down a good third of its content in one go.
That turned out to be a very, very bad idea.
The smoke went up his unreadily open nostrils, burning its way right up till his frontal lobe.
The liquor itself wasn't fuzzy nor sweet at all, like the one he'd tasted at the Blob's bar: this one tasted dry, and bitter, but above all, it was so burningly hot it hurt his esophagus in its entire length, making his eyes water.
He slammed his mug on the table, and tried to appear enthusiastic as much as he could of what had to be the most disgusting beverage he'd ever subjected himself to.
"Cough! Del -cough!- deli-cough!- DELICIOUS! COUGH! COUGH, COUGH!"
The human looked worriedly between him and the Krass-man. She patted lightly on his back, trying to provide him with at least some kind of emotional support.
"Not bad" the Krass-man commented. "Not bad for your first Fumeè, really. Especially for your small frame"
"Th-cough! T-thank you- cough!- S-so good..." Zim lied.
He put one hand in front of his mouth, trying to suffocate his coughing. Hopefully there wouldn't be any more toasts: he felt like the next time he'd try that cursed beverage, he'd die. Why couldn't they have toasted with the water? It tasted horrible, but still better than that disgusting fume-thing! At least that wouldn't have sent him in a coughing fit! Was that part of the Krass-man's plan too?!
"Ah, speaking of which!" the human remembered. "Zim here wanted to ask you a question, Mister Krassmann"
"… E-eh? What? I did?" Zim confusedly asked, his voice still weak from all the coughing.
"The, uhm… hypothesis about losing track of a planet into pure nothingness, Zim?" the human reminded him.
"Oh. Oh, yeah, right!" the monster had infuriated him so much, he'd forgotten the reason why he'd agreed to dine with those two in the first place: to ask the monster for… help.
If he wasn't keen on that idea before, he sure as all heck wasn't now.
"By all means, go ahead! I only hope I'll be able to provide an answer!" the Krass-man invited him to speak with a kind smile. Zim could practically feel the condescension behind it.
That monster's jealousy towards the human was simply laughable. Pure – absolute- comedy! But he couldn't let his pride keep him from advancing the mission: it had to take the absolute priority.
Still, swallowing his pride wasn't exactly something Zim could do on a whim.
He gave a sneaky, quick look at the human next to him. She smiled at him and tilted her head a little bit in an encouraging gesture.
Zim felt reassured at that, although he would have felt much better if maybe he was one little bit physically closer to her. Or maybe, if he could tug at her jacket. Or even, who knows, hold her hand, just to throw an example out there. Or. Something.
In any case, Zim drew a deep breath and started telling the Krass-man everything that'd happened with the Earth: how it had collapsed on itself and disappeared into thin air as a result of a change in its gravitational poles. Only, of course, he framed it as a hypothetical scenario, leaving out the Earth's name entirely, just like he'd done with the human.
The Krass-man listened to him with the utmost interest (at least so it seemed), hands intertwined on the table, his head occasionally nodding in understanding.
After Zim finished, the Krass-man stayed silent for a few unnerving seconds, seemingly pondering on the whole ordeal.
Caressing his fake white mustache, he quietly asked:
"The planet-like object collapses on itself, correct?"
"Yes"
"And it disappears somewhere that is untraceable by space-scanning maps?"
"Er... yes?" why was he asking that again? Had he even listened to him?
The Krass-man reclined on his chair. He crossed his legs again. And then finally spoke in a very solemn tone:
"Believe it or not, I've already witnessed the same phenomenon once in my life".
Both Zim and the human looked at him with flabbergasted expressions, eyes wide and mouths agape:
"WHAT?!" they exclaimed in unison (though Zim did so in a considerably louder voice).
"Are you joking?" the human asked.
"Yeah, no way!" Zim remarked, "ZiM's feats are one of a kind!"
"I'm telling the truth" the Krass-man reassured them. "It happened a couple of millennia ago. I was there to witness it"
"Well? Speak! Where did the planet go?!" Zim urged him, putting his hands on the table and stretching to get closer to his face (but not too close, of course).
"Somewhere where space-scanning maps can't track, of course" he rather cryptically replied.
"So, like, in another dimension?" the human guessed.
"No, no!" Zim corrected her, "It's the Florpuses that lead to other dimensions! They're totally easily-manageable stuff! Nothing to be compared to this!"
"Can I ask where that happened exactly, Mister Krassmann?" the human inquired.
"Forget about that!" Zim interrupted her, "What's important is, how did you trace back that planet?!"
"Oh, I didn't trace it back. I've never seen that planet ever since".
Already disappointment was settling in Zim, but the Krass-man continued, in a quieter voice:
"However" and he leaned towards them, "if my guess is correct, if we were to exclude alternate dimensions and universes, there is only one place where it could have gone. And that is, an intra-spacial sack"
"What's that-" the human started, but Zim shouted over her:
"OF COURSE! AN INTRA-SPACIAL SACK! Why didn't I think about it?! But still! That doesn't tell me how I could get there-"
"Intra-spacial sacks are, as the names suggests, sacks of spaces situated at once between and out of the space we ourselves navigate in. Not exactly in another dimension, but rather on another plane of existence than our own. They are trickier to reach than other dimensions or universes, which are accessible through Florpuses and wormholes respectively" the Krass-man explained to her.
"Traveling to an intra-spacial sack is rare and is usually an accident, as it was in my case. However, though such a phenomenon isn't the first one in an absolute sense, you, Zim, are to my knowledge the first person to ever directly cause one. And as such, you have proven that this is a phenomenon that can be potentially recreated on a will. Meaning that..." the Krass-man clapped his hands together and concluded his speech as if what he was saying was the most obvious thing in the world:
"... all you need to do to reach said intra-spacial sack, is to harness the phenomenon that led to the planet's disappearance in the first place"
"You traveled in one of these sacks?" the human asked. "What was it like-"
"HEY WAIT A SECOND! I think I got it! I already had the solution all along! I'll just REPLICATE the rift!" Zim excitedly exclaimed at this new realization, "I only need it to be less destructive! Less uncontrollable! Less colossal! Just like Peepi!"
"Wait a second, Zim!" the human interjected, "Are you saying you're going to make another planet vanish to track back yours?"
"Of course not! I'll just build a machine that does that!"
"How will you replicate the gravitational pull of a whole, giant planet in one, small machine?"
"Simple! I'll put a small pocket dimension at the center of the machine and build a tiny replica of a planet inside of it, complete with its own gravitational pull!"
"But wouldn't a tiny rock only hold a very, very, very infinitesimal magnetic field?" the human noted.
"Ah! Silly human!" Zim giggled at her naivete, "The rock is only tiny because you are looking at it! From the perspective of, let's say, a subatomic particle, it'll be massive! Massive like a planet! That's why it'll have the magnetic pull of one!"
The human looked at him in complete and utter confusion and disorientation.
"Zim, that... that doesn't make any sense! At all! Physics doesn't work that way!"
"YES IT DOES, you disbelieving woman!"
"Indeed, it does!" the Krass-man remarked, nodding energetically. "Haven't you ever seen the finale of Men in Black?"
"The- What? What?! You've seen that movie?! But how-"
"It's perfect! PERFEEECT!" Zim shouted.
He jumped on his seat, fists up. He hadn't felt so euphoric in months.
"And after I've learnt how to move between different planes of existence, the spacial scanners will be able to trace the Ear- I MEAN, no! The hypothetical planet!"
The human, who'd been doubting his plan all the while, finally seemed to come to her senses, and reflected upon the implications of it all:
"No one has that kind of technology... so... no one will be able to follow us..."
"Exactly! We'll be as untraceable as the lost planet" the Krass-man added.
"... able to disappear at any time, into thin air...2 the human mumbled to herself, an excited smile starting to form on her face. "And if we manage to hop from one sack to the other, we might save ourselves miles and miles of travel, and run off from any pursuer!"
"Not to mention! If the ancient legends are to be trusted, innumerable treasures still lie hidden in the intra-spacial sacks!"
Zim hadn't quite paid attention to what exactly the other two were saying, but he could still hear the excitement in their voices, and he joined in:
"Yes, yes, yes! It's all coming together! All I need now is the materials for the construction and a suitable laboratory..."
"I'll help provide them!" the Krass-man enthusiastically volunteered.
"Me too! We will both help you, Zim! Oh, this is crazy, guys!" the human exulted with an ecstatic voice.
"YES! I WILL TAKE MY MISSION BACK! INVADER! ZIM! IS! BACK! BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Zim laughed maniacally, as loud as he could, his triumphant fists shaking up to the ceiling. He couldn't really see it, but below him, the human and the Krass-mann exchanged two complicit, wicked grins, that only really differed from his own in volume.
As his laugh protracted, more voices added to his cheers, they laughed along with him, they praised him, they whistled and clapped, yes, those were the voices of his people, the voices of Irk singing in unison to his victory!
Actually, no. As he soon realized when he reopened his eyes, the voices and cheers he'd heard came from the rest of the clients all around him: they were all turned to him, smiling, laughing, and clapping for him.
"Booyah!"
"You go, little man!"
"Woooh!"
Zim looked around from the top of the table, confused but flattered.
"Er… thank you?" he smiled, waving a hand at them.
The serpentine waitress came back to the table, this time carrying their three dishes.
"Sounds like someone has just come up with a nice evil plan!" she complimented him, her terrifying fangs showing in what must have been the reptile version of a smile. "This round of drinks is on the house! Please, though, don't stand on the table"
"E-eh, sure! Thank you!" he jumped down and sat back on his chair.
Most of the clients had come back to their own food and drinks, but that cheerful air still lingered all around him. How nice of them! Most people looked with confusion and even scorn at him whenever he publicly made an evil laugh! It was nice to be among other evil people for once.
"I knew you'd fit right in, Zim!" the human patted on his shoulder.
"Very impressive evil laugh, Zim!" the Krass-man complimented him.
"Yeah! I didn't know you had such a beautiful evil laugh, Zim" the human remarked in a suave voice.
"Heh, I know! I've been perfecting it for years. Ahem" he cleared his throat: he hadn't laughed evilly in a very long time, and his throat had grown unused to it. Oh, how liberating it felt! To be able to laugh so freely and wickedly! Finally, things were going the right way! He had gone from having no clue what to do to fix his mistake, to knowing exactly what the solution was so quickly, he could barely believe it! He was so happy he could have burst!
Zim happily picked up his fork and knife and started digging into his lunch. He didn't know exactly what it was, but it was pretty good and savory. Probably some kind of roasted alien meat. Even if it hadn't been good, he didn't believe anything could have spoiled that moment for him anyway!
The human and the Krass-man, too, started eating. And while the latter was quietly focused on his meal, the woman took the chance to quietly whisper to Zim:
"You know, I was very happy to hear you laugh that openly again".
Zim cocked an eyebrow at that odd statement.
"What's it to you if I laugh?" he asked.
The human threw a furtive look at the Krass-man, as if to check that he wasn't looking. Then, she bent over to him, whispering straight into his ear:
"Hearing you laugh makes me wanna kiss you even more".
Those words, combined with her breath tickling his inner ear, set his whole body on fire way more than that red fuming liquor could have ever done.
He looked down, hoping that no one would notice his darkened cheeks.
"Can you please not do that while I'm eating?" he hissed as quietly as possible.
The human let out a soft, cute chuckle, and she whispered back to him:
"Alright, partner in crime".