"Hey, Kirishima?" Izuku asked when he and his quirk-sparring partner sat down to take a breather.
"Hm?" Kirishima hummed, absorbed in examining his ab muscles while he flexed them, pulling his shirt up to see.
"You have any idea why Kacchan's been ignoring me?"
It had been a week since Izuku lost Kacchan's requested match. The next day, when Izuku was waiting for him outside of the classroom, his green head blew right past him, muttering something about needing a break from training. That on its own would be no big deal. Kacchan had been doing a lot lately, keeping up with his normal schoolwork while learning Izuku's quirk from scratch, and seemed kind of unsettled the last day they met. But he also blew off any attempt Izuku made to talk, even if it was just to ask about homework or how to keep from setting off his palms in the middle of the night.
Kirishima coughed, dropping his shirt and looking off to the side. "He's been ignoring you?"
"Yeah," Izuku said, dejected. "He's been blowing me off since the last time we were all at the field and I don't know what's going on. I really thought… I don't know. It just felt like we were getting along finally. Like, mutually. And now… I don't know, did I do something? He talks to you, right? Did he say anything? I don't wanna pry but… I really don't want to go back to how we were." Izuku raised his eyes to see Kirishima still looking away, now with a conflicted look on his face.
"Uh, well…" Kirsihima started and then glanced to Izuku's worried, forlorn face. He sighed and rubbed his red face with both hands, frustrated. "Look, I… I've had an inkling of a thing for a while now and I kind of, um… overheard some things through my wall that almost super definitely mean that I was right and that's why he's been weird but it is really, really not my place to say anything to you so, I don't know, dude. I'd just keep trying to talk to him. I don't think you did anything wrong."
"You heard something… through your walls?" Izuku asked, confused.
Kirishima's face lit up and he looked to the sky, trying to see anything but Izuku. "Yes, but please, please don't say anything to Bakugou. I'm not ready to die, Midoriya."
"Y-yeah, no problem, Kirishima."
They resumed their sparring after a lengthy silence, Izuku more confused and worried than he had been before speaking to Kirishima. He couldn't help but wonder what Kacchan had been doing that could both be heard through walls and explain why he was ignoring Izuku. But… if it had been loud…
"Hey, Jirou?" Izuku asked his classmate as they all headed to the cafeteria for lunch.
"Nope. Nope. I'm not dying today, Midoriya. Talk to him yourself," she responded curtly, not even turning to look at him.
Izuku frowned but moved on to his other option.
"Shouji, um, did you-"
HIs massive classmate plugged his ears and kept walking.
Izuku stopped in his tracks, letting people accidentally knock into him as he tried to conjure up any idea of what Kacchan had been doing that made everyone think he would murder them if they told Izuku. Knowing Kacchan, that didn't really narrow things down much. He sighed then felt a tug at the hem of his jacket. Uraraka was looking at him with a straightforward gaze.
"Everything alright?" she asked.
"... Can we talk?" Izuku asked back.
Uraraka smiled happily. "Of course. C'mon let's go grab food and talk in the cafeteria. I'm starving." She grabbed Izuku's hand and led him to the lunch room.
They lined up with all of the other students and got their food, heading to an empty table in a corner of the rambunctious room. They sat down across from each other and Izuku picked at his food, trying to think of how to start. It had been a few weeks since he'd last complained to Uraraka about Kacchan. Lately, they'd just talked about normal things together and he felt kind of bad bringing their conversations back to his personal problems that were probably never going to end. She'd already taken the brunt of his anxieties when he'd forced himself to ignore Kacchan for three weeks in an attempt to force some sort of change in their relationship, whatever that change may be. So Izuku kept poking his rice with his chopsticks.
Uraraka sighed. "So Bakugou's been weird lately, huh?"
"Right?!" Izuku said louder than he meant to. He looked to his food and lowered his voice. "Right? I don't think he's ever really ignored me before. Normally he seems to enjoy shutting me down with insults or whatever so I at least get some sort of interaction but this is weird."
"Deku…" Uraraka started, disappointed and accusing.
"I know, I know! I can't help it," he whined, resting his chin on his hand. "At least when he's shitting on me he's acknowledging me. Things were actually going well for a few weeks and now he completely shuts down. I don't know what's going on." Izuku took a thoughtful bite of his food.
"You didn't… say anything to him?"
"No!" Izuku assured. "I only figured it out myself like two months ago, do you really think I'm so sure of myself that I'd tell Kacchan without protective gear? Besides, I feel like if he knew… he'd want to switch back. I'd be the same as Mineta was in Ashido's eyes. And everything's been going well. I don't want to go back to square one."
"I don't know, Deku. You get kind of desperate when it comes to him. I wouldn't put it past you. Plus, like you said, things were going well, right? You could've thought it was a good time to shoot your shot." Uraraka shrugged.
Izuku laughed. "I wish I was as confident as you think I am. Maybe getting shot down would help me end whatever this is. This…"
"Obsession?" Uraraka finished for him.
Izuku frowned. "I'd prefer… infatuation?"
"Right, infatuation with the guy that has done nothing but shit on you since you were kids. An infatuation you realized after he shit on you extra hard. Super healthy. Definitely not at all related to Stockholm syndrome."
Groaning, Izuku laid his head on the lunch table. "He was just… so angry. After I calmed down all I could think about was how I wished he were in his own body at that time so I could see that anger in his eyes. I know it's warped and messed up but so is he and I looked up to him, I don't know. Some wires got crossed somewhere or something." He looked up to Uraraka with a pout and big eyes, hoping she'd take pity on him like she usually did.
The girl sighed. "What about that thing with Mei?" she asked.
"What d'you mean?"
"She was making something for you right? Something for Bakugou. Lure him back with that?"
Izuku quirked his head in thought. "That's… a good idea." He smiled sheepishly. "Sorry. I get so worked up and word vomit all over you and then you point out something that should've been obvious. I feel bad."
Uraraka smiled. "It's fine, but you owe me. Take me someplace sometime?"
"Like where?"
"Movies?"
"Deal." It was easily worth it for how much she'd helped him sort out in the past two months. He'd probably still be trying to fight his feelings if he hadn't had someone to bounce them off of.
They discussed what kind of movie they should go see for the rest of the lunch period, deciding on a documentary about hero Mirko, and then returned to class with the rest of the students. Izuku spent the next few days restlessly awaiting news from Mei about the gear he'd requested, all the way biting his tongue around Kacchan, deciding he'd have a better chance if he stopped trying to bother him for a bit. Finally, Mei, sweaty and covered in grime, appeared in front of him in the cafeteria.
"It's ready and it works and I only blew the workshop up twice," she spoke with a proud smile, handing Deku a piece of paper and a tangled mess of straps and black tubing leading to various nodes and a pair of gloves.
Deku carefully took the mass into his hands. "You're the best, Mei."
"Tell your friends!" She beamed.
Izuku untangled the tubing and wrapped it neatly around his forearm, sliding it off and placing it in his bag. He waited patiently through lunch and the rest of his classes, and stood in front of Kacchan's desk once they were finally dismissed for the day. He received no acknowledgement.
"Meet me at the field in half an hour," he said.
"I have stuff to do," Kacchan responded, not looking up from his notes.
"No you don't."
Kacchan looked at him with anger. "What the fu-"
"Just come, okay? You can go back to ignoring me after. I won't bother you anymore. But I think- I know you'll want to see this. Thirty minutes." Izuku knocked his knuckles on Kacchan's desk and then left.
He hurried back to his dorm room to change and prepare everything. He read through the instructions Mei provided quickly, hurrying to decipher Mei's chicken scratch, and then left for the field. Izuku couldn't contain his smile when he saw Kacchan sitting in the grass, staring at him with a bored expression.
"Hurry the fuck up, Deku. I told you I have shit to do." Kacchan grumbled, looking at Izuku but not in his eyes.
"And you know I know you don't, Kacchan."
Green eyes scowled at Izuku. "What's with the gloves? You finally decide to strangle me to death?"
Izuku pulled the black gloves further up his wrists, the fit a little loose. He grabbed the hem of his shirt and pulled it over his head.
"What the fuck are you… what the hell is that?" Kacchan questioned.
Izuku twisted his arms, examining the black tubes running down the back of them and to the two nodes stuck on his shoulder blades. The tubes continued down his back and legs, all the way to his feet. He kicked off his sandals to show the nodes on the pads of his feet.
"It's just a prototype," he explained. "I asked Mei for it once I started getting used to your quirk more. Yours is so much fun. So powerful and reckless. But I missed the flexibility of mine. I can use mine on any part of my body whereas yours is limited to your hands. Then I thought about the mechanism of your gauntlets and thought something like this could be fun." Izuku smiled over his shoulder to Kacchan.
"... how does it work?" Kacchan asked, losing out to curiosity.
"The palms of the gloves have absorptive properties that soak up your sweat, which then travels through the tubes through capillary action—it helps to squeeze the gloves, though. Then there are switches. In the gloves. Depending on which ones are pressed at the same time, different nodes activate. Let's see… index and ring should do the backs," - he pressed those fingers into his palms and lurched forward when two explosions went off at his shoulder blades; he took hopping steps to keep from falling on his face. He laughed, incredibly happy at how responsive the gear was. "And ring and pinky do the feet." Izuku raised his right foot and pressed down the ring and pinky fingers on his right hand. The force of the blast from his soles knocked him backward. He stumbled and landed on his back with a grunt. A snicker crackled through the air.
"Oh yeah, Deku, so flexible. I can't wait to get knocked on my ass in the middle of a fight."
Izuku laughed, embarrassed. "C'mon, I've never used them before. I think they could be really helpful if you get used to them." He sat up. "Normally, if someone were coming at you from the back you would need to get your hand around to stop them, but now you can just press your fingers and blast them. And then I imagine the foot ones could help a lot with changing direction in the air and obviously blasting people when you kick them or, like, rocketing your leg forward if your foot's pointed for the kick. Plus I had Mei make it so the strength of the blast was dependent on how hard you press, so you might even be able to use them to sort of fly or float or something. I don't know if that would work at all but it was kind of fun to think about and…" Izuku paused, realizing he was rambling. He glanced to Kacchan and heat flooded his cheeks when he saw his laid-back smile. Kacchan quietly fell back into his usual scowl when he noticed Izuku looking.
"Why the fuck would I ever need to float?"
"I-I don't know, what if there's a harmful substance on the ground or… or-"
"Or what? Someone just fucking mopped?"
Izuku blushed. "Who cares why? I just thought it would be cool."
"Show me."
Izuku's eyes widened. "What?"
"Show me," Kacchan repeated, standing and walking towards Izuku. He grabbed his wrists. His hands were hot. "I'll keep you from fucking killing me. Try it out, I wanna see if it works."
Izuku looked into the eyes still avoiding his own and then down to the hands on his wrists. "O-okay." As lightly as he could with blistering nerves, Izuku pressed down the ring and pinky fingers on both of his hands until he felt pressure forming under his feet. Smoke pillowed as the grass beneath him burned and he rose into the air, wobbling as he tried to even out the blasts beneath his feet. A laugh rang out from slightly below him.
"You look like a fucking idiot," Kacchan said with a mean smile.
Izuku's heart tightened in his chest and he threw his right foot forward, pressing his fingers down hard and blasting Kacchan in the sternum.
Both boys flew backward and hit the field. Kacchan began tamping down the fire raging on his shirt.
"What the fuck, Deku?" he yelled.
"Why were you ignoring me?" Izuku shouted from the ground, picking himself up.
Kacchan flinched at the question and looked to the ground.
Izuku started walking towards him. "I thought I did something but you're obviously not mad at me, so what is it?" Kacchan had smiled. Twice. And one of them wasn't even patronizing. He wasn't mad.
"I…" Kacchan knit his brow and then lazily fell backward onto the grass. "I was confused about something. Or, I guess I wasn't but wished I were. Whatever, I just needed some fucking time to think."
"And now?" Izuku asked, leaning over his friend.
Green met red. "I'm tired of thinking."
"Good." A tan arm reached out and a scarred hand grabbed on, Kacchan pulling himself up. "So what d'you think?" Izuku put out his arms and spun slowly, showing off the prototype.
Kacchan sighed. "Honestly… it's pretty fucking sweet."
"Right?! Mei seriously came through. Oh wait, wait, there's something I really wanted to try with it, hold on." Izuku paced backward and then took a centering breath in and out. In one swift movement, he ducked forward, kicked off, and used a poorly timed explosion to send himself face first into the hard ground. He clutched his face, swearing, as Kacchan snorted.
"I can see why you were excited," Kacchan remarked sarcastically.
"Hold on, hold on, I can do it." Izuku wiped the blood from under his nose and readied himself again, repeating the movements and this time slamming his face into the ground even harder.
"FUCK," he grunted, pressing his forehead into the ground and scrunching his face up in pain. At this point Kacchan was having trouble breathing from laughing so hard.
"Deku, seriously, you gotta stop. I'm gonna piss myself," he said while stifling his laughter and wiping tears from his eyes.
Izuku pouted but readied himself again. "One more time. I just… I can see it so clearly in my mind. Hold on." He puffed out a breath and leaned forward, kicking off of the ground again, this time waiting an extra beat before firing off his back nodes and then immediately the one on his trailing leg, causing him to quickly flip twice in the air before he landed clumsily on his bare feet. He steadied himself and then looked to Kacchan hesitantly.
"... Okay, that was pretty sick," he admitted.
Izuku beamed. "See? I really think you'll have a lot of fun with this."
"Then let me try."
"Well, yeah, once we switch back it's all yours," Izuku explained.
"Yeah, so let me try."
Izuku tilted his head. "Like I said, when we… Oh." Realization set in as he saw the calm determination in Kacchan's expression. Fear gurgled in his stomach. They weren't supposed to switch back for another two weeks so he had avoided thinking about it but he was afraid of what would happen when they did. The only reason they had become so close, so civil, was because Izuku could teach Kacchan how to use his quirk. Why did Kacchan want to switch back all of a sudden? Over the past week had Kacchan been ignoring him because he was thinking about switching back and returning to how they were before? Izuku didn't want that. He really didn't want that.
But it would be selfish to keep Kacchan from his own body if he was ready to take it back.
Izuku wrung his fingers. "Can… can I use your quirk a little more before we do it? I'm gonna miss it." It was true. He was biding time, but he also really loved playing around and exploding the air with Kacchan's violent quirk. He hadn't had so much fun in a long time.
Kacchan looked at him with a slight quirk of his eyebrows that showed something more than his normal set scowl—a barely-there trace of disappointment. "Go for it." He sat down on the grass and put his chin in his hands. "I'll be here."
Izuku smiled, grateful, and then ran a ways away from his friend, trying to give himself enough room to go wild for the last time. Explosions rang through the air so wildly throughout the next ten minutes that Izuku started to feel guilty for the damage he was likely causing to Kacchan's ears. He performed all of the actions he had practiced over the past two months, punching, kicking, and flipping through the air, everything accentuated with blasts from his hands and, when he felt confident, from his shoulders and feet. The cool air felt amazing on his skin as he flew through it, holding back tears at the thought of everything ending. He continued until his arms were heavy with fatigue, Kacchan's muscles glistening with sweat and spattered with ash. Breathing heavily, he returned to his friend's side and sat down in front of him.
"Okay, I'm done," he panted. "You sure about this?"
"Definitely. Besides, at this point I'm pretty sure Aizawa never planned on even trying to find another way. Fucking dick."
Izuku smiled sadly. "Okay." He closed his eyes and stuck out his tongue, breathing hard through his nose, still catching his breath from his prior movements. Embarrassment tingled in his stomach when he heard Kacchan laugh, but he didn't move. He flinched when he felt pressure on the end of his tongue. Suddenly, his heart was pounding in his jittering chest, arms and legs resisting the urge to get up and fight. It was a feeling he'd had many times in the midst of battle when his or someone else's life was on the line. He wondered why his body was so incredibly full of adrenaline when he opened his eyes to see Kacchan's face in front of him for the first time in over two months. Izuku suddenly regretted going so wild with his quirk, having left Kacchan sweaty, shirtless and breathless.
Izuku blushed and looked to his hands, big and scarred and his. A feeling of comfort set in that quickly disappeared when he looked back up to Kacchan who hadn't moved his face from its position inches from Izuku's.
"W-welcome back," Izuku stammered, looking into fiery red eyes.
"Mm," Kacchan murmured, the deep, gravelly sound dancing down Izuku's neck.
Izuku had trouble processing what was happening as Kacchan lent closer in, closing his eyes. His hot breath warmed Izuku's face and their lips met. Breathing heavily through his nose, heart pounding in his chest, Izuku closed his eyes and melted against the soft affection. He refrained from letting loose a hummed complaint when Kacchan ended the kiss, pulling back to look Izuku in the eyes. They held each other's gazes and Izuku felt his face burn hotter and hotter, Kacchan's sharp eyes boring into him with a tired, half-lidded glare. Izuku loved those eyes.
"Is, uh-" Izuku took a breath and tried to calm himself enough to speak - "Is this what you 'weren't' confused about?" He asked genuinely, so very confused himself. He fought every instinct he never knew he had to prevent himself from grabbing the back of Kacchan's head and pulling him in.
"Basically." There was a pause as they continued to study each other's eyes, Izuku thrilled to see Kacchan's expressions back on their rightful face. "I… kind of freaked out when I realized," Kacchan said, scrunching his forehead.
"Realized what?" Izuku was so sure that this couldn't mean what he wanted it to.
The wrinkles on Kacchan's forehead grew deeper. "You're gonna fucking make me say it?"
"K-Kacchan, you… going by previous experience, at any point in time, there's a ninety-five percent chance that when you're talking to me, you're making fun of me. You've hurt me so many times. This would be a really good way to hurt me. I-I… you have to understand that when you say 'you're gonna make me say it?' I don't know if you mean saying that you like me or saying that it would be absolutely impossible for someone like you to be remotely interested in some loser like me." Izuku's vision began to blur, tears welling in his eyes. "We just spent two months in each other's bodies because you would rather lose everything than do something intimate-adjacent with me. You get why I need some sort of legitimate confirmation, right?" Tears fell freely and Izuku's breath hitched as he wiped them from his cheeks. His eyes were hot. He flinched at the fingers that wrapped around his own.
Kacchan grabbed Izuku's hand and removed it from his face before letting go. His long fingers found their way back to Izuku's cheek. Gently, they brushed the tears from his skin, causing more to fall. Kacchan's scowl grew deeper and deeper as Izuku's gentle crying turned into sobs.
"God, shut the fuck up," he said, bringing his other hand to Izuku's face just before they were both batted away.
"Kacchan, please," Izuku choked, "don't tease me like this. Please, just leave me alo-"
"I jerked off to you," Kacchan said as he quickly brought his hands back to Izuku's face, holding it firmly between them.
"Wha-" Izuku stammered, looking into Kacchan's eyes and then immediately looking away after connecting with an unwavering gaze. He felt light-headed. He tried to pull the hands from his cheeks but they just gripped tighter. Izuku brought his knees to his chest and tucked his elbows to his sides, trying to shield himself from Kacchan's honest presence.
Kacchan spoke smoothly with his deep voice. "I felt fucking crazy last time and tried to jerk off to calm the fuck down but I accidentally spoke and it was your voice, Deku. I didn't even think about what I was doing. I just kept saying shit and saying shit and I was touching you which, fuck, I know that's fucked up and I'm just like those fuckers that Kasuya switched those women with but, seriously, I wasn't fucking thinking about anything other than touching you. I came. I came and it freaked me the fuck out and I couldn't fucking look at you afterward 'cause of course fucking not and I probably would've ignored you for the rest of my goddamn life but you told me to see you today and I… I wanted to see you. I wanted to talk to you and spar with you and touch you and so I came but that wasn't fucking enough and so I asked you to switch back and here we fucking are and if that's not 'legitimate confirmation' then you're shit out of goddamn luck."
Izuku's sobs grew louder and he yelped in pain when Kacchan's fingers pinched his cheeks hard.
"Goddamn it, seriously, Deku, shut the fuck up. I'm not fucking bullying you. Stop crying like an idiot."
Izuku sniffled and took deep, hitching breaths. He grabbed the edge of his sleeve and wiped the snot from under his nose. Weakly, he took Kacchan's hands into his own and brought them to chest level. He pressed his eyes into the backs of tan hands, hot with feeling.
"I love you." Izuku said, refusing to lift his head to look at the person receiving his confession. "I've probably loved you for a really long time… When… when we first switched, I felt so guilty... I felt so guilty. I thought it was because I could control your body and was scared that just living in it would be violating you, but really I think I knew that it was because I wanted to do those things. I wanted to see you naked. I wanted to jerk you off. I wanted to be able to look in the mirror and see you staring back with love in your eyes. When Aizawa listed off the things we weren't supposed to do… I would never do those things. I hadn't even thought of them… but when he mentioned taking pictures or videos… recording your voice… part of me wanted that. I wanted to keep a piece of that control over you forever. I-I didn't do anything, I promise," he added quickly, pressing his eyes harder into Kacchan's hands. "But you've been so unattainable to me my entire life. And all of a sudden I had you. I acted like I was above what everyone else was doing when they asked me to say things as you but I understood them completely. And then things shattered for me a little the night you broke my arm. You screamed at me. Like, really went off. At first I was mad. I was so worried about you and you pushed me away harder than ever. I asked Uraraka over because I wanted to vent about what happened with someone who saw it. But eventually I realized how badly I wanted you back in your body. I realized how useless it was for me to have your body when you weren't in it. I realized how much I love you." Izuku squeezed Kacchan's hands before letting them go. He lifted his head and looked into fiery red eyes. "I love you, Kacchan."
They stared into each other's eyes, both displaying their own resolve.
"And you realized that after I blew up on you?" Kacchan asked.
"... Yes," Izuku responded.
"... You're fucked up, Deku," Kacchan said, brushing his fingers down a freckled cheek.
Izuku leaned into the touch. "Yeah, well, you fucked me up, so deal with it."
"I plan on it," Kacchan muttered as he leaned in again, this time Izuku meeting him in the middle.
They kissed in the middle of the field, neither complaining when the affection deepened. Izuku felt Kacchan's long fingers on the back of his scalp, nails grazing his skin. He reached a hand forward tentatively and found Kacchan's stomach and gently traced the prominent muscles on his abdomen, damp with sweat. He'd touched them absently many times in the past two months, but the way they twitched unpredictably under his soft pressing caused the desire inside of him to well. He wanted to feel that twitching on his tongue. They detached, pressing their foreheads together, gentle pants passing through the air.
"Wanna go to my room?" Kacchan asked.
Izuku's eyes widened. He pushed his curly hair behind his ear. "Shouldn't we tell Sensei that we switched back?"
"We can do that later."
"I mean, I guess, but, um…" Izuku stammered.
"Relax," Kacchan breathed. "I just don't want anyone to see us. Fuckers will have a field day."
Izuku thought back to all the things his classmates had him say as Kacchan - all the times they wished he would act more 'cute' sometimes. Izuku looked to the blonde boy across from him. His normal scowl had softened slightly into what was almost a pout and his tan cheeks had a hint of color to them. He looked at Izuku with something he'd never seen in those red eyes.
"You're right. Let's get out of here before Ashido somehow senses you being cute." Izuku stood and Kacchan followed suit.
"Who the fuck are you calling cute?"
Izuku smiled and grabbed Kacchan's hand. "You." He laughed at the deep scowl he caused. He kept a smile on his face, trying to hide the intense feelings of dumbfounded confusion and disbelief raging in him. There was a good and legitimate chance that he was dreaming all of this up. He'd had similar dreams frequently in the past few weeks, and nothing that Kacchan had ever done before had foreshadowed this turn of events in any way. He just randomly came to like him? After hating him for so long? Just two months ago, he had refused to switch back because of his distaste for Izuku. How could his opinion on him change so drastically so quickly?
Kacchan elbowed him, probably noticing the feelings swirling behind his eyes. "Hey," he said softly, too softly for Kacchan to be speaking the words. "I wanna clear something up, just so you don't fucking stew over it forever until you blow up. Doing something… 'intimate adjacent' with you wasn't why I was so adamant. I mean, I guess it kind of was? But it's different now and I'm fucking over it so I swear to fuck if you say sorry at all after I tell you I'm going to fucking dropkick you."
Izuku had never even considered the idea that he wasn't the reason. What else could there be? "Uh, um, okay, Kacchan. Yeah."
Kacchan looked at him warily and took a deep breath before speaking. Izuku had never seen him so openly uncomfortable before. It made him feel a weird sense of kinship with him, seeing that Kacchan could be just as nervous as himself.
"Aizawa's the only other person that knows because I needed someone to know that I wasn't just being a complete stubborn asshole, so don't fuckin' tell anyone. All Might, Kirishima, my mom - anyone." He paused to stare Izuku down into submission, which wasn't difficult at that moment. "It's irrational and I get that. It doesn't make sense and it's not that big a deal and it's fucking stupid but I just-" his lips curled in disgust. He closed his eyes and took a breath, calming himself. He resumed speaking, voice nearly a whisper. "There have been three times now in my life when I've felt helpless. The sludge villain, Kasuya, and when I had the panic attack. The sludge villain drowned me. I'll never fucking forget that feeling. Tasting thick bile going into my mouth and down my throat, pumping into my lungs. It was fucking agony and it popped into my mind when Kasuya stuck his dirty fucking finger into my mouth. Couldn't move, couldn't crush it between my teeth, could only taste it as a... primal fear in me went fucking wild. Fear that I'd die, fear that he'd fuck with you, fear that I'd be drowned again. I was so fucking out of it that half of the things I thought of didn't make any sense but still. Whatever the fuck was going to happen, I wouldn't be able fight it. That fucking strangling feeling is what took over me that day when I was out with Kirishima and it's what kept me from entertaining the idea of switching with you. Yeah, there was a part of me that also probably didn't want you to fucking save me again. But that took a backseat. Again, I know it's not fucking rational and that it's fucking stupid but the idea of being forced again to have someone touching my fucking mouth made me want to vomit 'til I died. That's why I didn't switch back. Not because I hated you so much that I wouldn't but because I was fucking weak and confused."
Izuku held back tears and the urge to apologize. "Thank you for telling me that," he said, restrained. "Were… were you okay? When we switched back? And then… um…"
"I'm fine. At some point it stopped being a thing with you. Probably 'cause I have reasons to want it. I don't fucking know, but don't worry about it anymore. I'm not going to."
"...I'm-" he so desperately wanted to apologize. Not because he thought it was his fault but because he knew how hard it must've been for Kacchan of all people to deal with feelings like that all alone. Maybe if Izuku hadn't been so upset with him at the start and had instead been more patient with trying to talk to him some of this could have been avoided. Maybe things wouldn't have built up so much that Kacchan ended up passing out in the middle of town. But he didn't want to make a big deal out of it if Kacchan didn't want him to. So he wouldn't cry and he wouldn't apologize. Instead he said the only other thing floating in his mind.
"I love you."
Izuku stared lovingly into Kacchan's anxious eyes until they softened. Kacchan's fingers laced into his own and squeezed before retreating back to his side.
"Thank you."
Izuku resisted the urge to engulf the person he loved most in a suffocating hug as they continued walking to their dorm, close enough that their hands brushed by each other the whole way, scars rubbing against tan skin. Izuku looked at them, smiling, unsure whose was whose.