Ghosts of the Past
The night was usually cold. Autumn in Europe was, itself, cold but not to him. Heero never got cold. Years of intense training in every environment imaginable left him virtually impervious to such weaknesses. Even still, there was a chill, and it seemed to follow him. No matter where he was or what he wore, there was a chill.
And nothing he did could get rid of it.
It started after he and Relena admitted their feelings. As their relationship continued to grow and develop, the chill continued to haunt him. But it became even worse the night when they first made love. It was sweet and tender. They had each taken time to get to know each other's bodies; to explore and pleasure one another. Being with her was the kind of thing no man like him could ever possibly deserve. And he knew it. He'd woken up in a cold sweat and was unable to return to sleep, no matter how she tried to soothe him.
The day they married was the happiest day of his life. After all they had seen and experienced; the pain and loss, they had a chance at a future together. A new start. A new life. Together. Even someone with his blood-soaked past could find a place in the peaceful world his new wife continued to fight for every day.
How many nights had he woken up in a fit? Unable to recognize past from present? Reality from the dream? He heard their cries in his mind. Saw the explosions. The blood. Only her arms and her love seemed to silence them and scare them away. That night in the bunker where he attempted to kill Marie Maia was the night most of them ceased to torment his waking hours. Relena soothed his soul in the dark. But even the warmth of her arms and her love couldn't chase it away anymore.
He and Relena had been married for five years with no nightmares. But they were back. And even her presence at his side, her warmth and her love, did not stop the chill. And the dreams began again. Dreams of losing her. Of her dying in his arms. Of him holding the gun that fired the bullet which ended her life. There was always a nagging feeling in the back of his mind. That his happiness was undeserved. That he really would lose her. His Relena. The only reason for his continued existence. And he feared he would be the cause of it. His nightmares were proof of that.
The chill of the night was stronger than ever. He looked at the sleeping wife next to him, trying to ascertain if she felt the chill too, but she seemed unaffected. Warm and peaceful. He kissed her shoulder and slowly made his way out from under the blankets of their bed. He needed to check the thermostat. Possibly even the heating system itself. But his first stop was the bathroom. He was never sick, but of the off chance that the chills came from a fever, he removed the thermometer from the bathroom cabinet and placed it under his tongue. The minutes ticked by slowly as he waited. The thermometer beeped. 37° C. Normal. He frowned. A cold sweat formed on his brow.
"What's wrong with me?" He wiped it away and splashed cold water on his face. But then there was something in the mirror. A flash of ghostly white. He turned around. No one was there. He went to the bedroom to check on Relena, but his wife was softly sleeping. The moonlight peeked through the clouds, briefly to shine its soft glow on the newly developing curve of her pregnant belly. He sighed and smiled, walking forward to place a kiss on her forehead. She stirred, eyes fluttering open.
"Heero?"
"Sh," he soothed. "Go back to sleep."
"Are you alright?" She stared at him and he felt her analyzing him. She knew. She always knew. But he had to reassure her. The added stress would be harmful for her and the baby. He couldn't have her worry.
"I'm fine." She stared at him a moment longer. She didn't believe him.
"If something were the matter, you'd tell me, wouldn't you?" He hated lying to her, but she needed her rest.
"Yes." He leaned in and pressed his forehead to hers. "Now, sleep." She still did not believe him, but he watched and waited until she settled back in and fell back to sleep.
"Are you lost?" The ghostly voice echoed through the room.
The chill hit him hard this time and he rose to his feet. The moon had disappeared. There was no light. And yet he saw something reflecting in the window. He stood and looked around the room. He could hear the trees rustling in the wind outside. Storms weren't in the forecast. Not this time of year. The chill returned. He left the room to look for whatever it was he had seen. He rounded the corner. A flash of lightning illuminated the room and he saw it: a battlefield. He could smell the smoke, the hot metal melted by plasma cannons and beam sabers. He could feel the heat off the fires of the ruined town.
"It's a gundam!" someone yelled. He looked behind him. Around him.
Another flash of lightning and the vision was gone.
Heero ran a hand through his bangs. The chill returned. He saw the same flash of white.
"I said: are you lost?" He heard again.
"That girl… that little girl…" the sound of a puppy barking echoed down the hall. Heero didn't believe in ghosts. There had to be someone in the mansion. Someone trying to mess with him. Possibly hurt Relena. But even if there was an intruder, it did not answer the real question:
How did they know about the girl and her dog?
He took off down the hall as another flash of lightning blinded him. He saw a man standing with Dr. J. And a little boy strapped to a metal slab. Him. And it was Dekim Barton. Dekim Barton was with Dr. J. He could feel the leather if the straps biting into his skin. The cold metal on his back. He could smell the sterile scents if rubbing alcohol and bleach burning his nose...
"This is WAR! It is no big deal sacrificing the general public! Got it?! Not retrain him at once! The humane feeling of 'kindness' is unnecessary for our weapon."
Another flash of lightning and the vision was gone. Heero felt his head begin to throb. He was dizzy. He leaned against the wall, suddenly finding it hard to breathe. He raised his hand to hold his head. But they were red. Red with blood. He blinked. The blood was gone.
"The hell?" Did someone poison him? Spike his drink? He made his way to the courtyard. He needed some air. Some time to think. But the wind was howling through the trees. The moon cast eerie shadows as the strong wind blew raked the clouds across the sky like ghostly fingers. His heart was racing. His chest tight. Heero learned how to deal with these things. Breathing was key. He closed his eyes. He needed to focus. To calm himself down. Relena's eyes came to his mind. Her face. She was smiling. Smiling at him. The howling of the wind seemed to disappear with that smile. For a minute at least.
But he saw her. Cradling her belly. Heavy with his child.
The chill returned.
"I said: are you lost?" The specter repeated.
He opened his eyes and saw her standing there. White sundress. Sun hat. Hair in a ponytail. Her dog Mary on the leash by her feet. The little girl and her dog. She was looking at him expectantly. Head cocked to the side as if waiting for her answer.
"I've been lost since the day I was born." She frowned.
"That's so sad." She responded. "You still feel lost even after all this time."
This was different. This wasn't how she responded before.
"What do you mean?" He took a step toward her.
"You still feel lost. And you don't understand why I still find that sad? You're a strange adult." She put her hands behind her back and rocked back and forth on her heels. "Grownups are supposed to have those things figured out."
She was a child. She couldn't understand. Would never be able to. Because- a flash of lightning blinded him.
"Because you killed her." The little girl was gone. The old, scratchy voice of his trainer. The metal of his clawed hand clanked. "You succeeded in your mission. You did what was required."
"But I killed her! I miscalculated!"
"And you never forgave yourself." J responded. "You still haven't." Another flash of lightning.
"You were weak. Even then you were a disappointment." That loud, nasally voice of Dekim Barton cut through the night. "You were the perfect soldier. And you still failed." Lightning flashed again.
"You had what it took kid. To survive. Just like I taught you." Odin. He'd never forget that voice. His first partner. His first father figure.
"You taught him to kill." J argued.
"I never wanted that life for him." Odin yelled back.
"What does it matter? He became a killer. An efficient and effective war machine, just as I always planned." Dekim smiled. Heero could feel the sick pride radiating off the old dictator's ghost. "The blood on his hands alone could drown an entire nation."
"Stop." Heero heard himself say. But they seemed to be looking through him.
"Is the truth hard for you to hear?" Dekim continued.
"He was following orders. Collateral damage of war cannot be pinned on the boy." J refuted.
"The boy did what he had to do. There's no shame in that."
"But there us shame in hiding from the truth." Dekim said. "Tell me, boy, how does a nameless, blood-stained murderer have any right to marry the princess of peace and start a family?" Dekim smiled. "You don't know who you are and run from what you are. Are you afraid? Afraid that your princess will leave you if she found out the truth?" Dekim grinned.
"She knows." Heero choked out. "She knows me better than I do. She doesn't care."
"Are you certain? Then tell her. Tell her how you killed that girl and her dog. See what she thinks then." Relena would understand. He knew she would.
"It was an accident. I never meant to hurt the girl…"
"But you did! And she's dead! And so are countless innocent others because of you! You're a murderer. A nameless, faceless, pastless failure with nothing to offer to her. Or your child. What will it think of its father when it learns you're a killer?" Suddenly, Dekim was behind him.
"How long before the pendulum swings and she turns on you? Before the whole world decides that the hero is actually a villain?" Heero felt his heart clenching in his chest. His lungs refused to respond. His shoulders slumped as he fell to his knees. "The boy without a name becomes the killer without a prayer."
Dekim was right. He was a killer. There was innocent blood on his hands. The hands of a nameless killer. He couldn't think. Couldn't remember why he should try. He felt the icy hands of death on his throat… Dekim's evil grin filled his mind. The screams... the blood. He couldn't breathe. The hands squeezed tighter… Thunder cracked through the silence of the night. Silence. Deafening silence. His ears buzzed painfully as his vision began to go black.
"But you have a name." He felt the hands release. His lungs begin to move. His heart loosen.
"I… don't." He gasped.
"Then what does she call you?" The little girl was calling to him. Asking him to think. To feel. His vision cleared.
"She?" He looked at the girl. The girl nodded.
"Didn't you say she knows who you are?"
"What do you mean?" He tried to get to his feet. He fell. Tried again.
"She knows who you are. Isn't that enough?" The little girl frowned at him.
"I don't understand."
"I was told that kind of love was something only grownups could understand."
Love?
Of course.
Relena loved him. She never cared about his past. Never asked. Just accepted him. Blood and all.
"She forgave you. Even though you can't forgive yourself."
"Relena…" he said her name and felt the air returning to his lungs. He pictured her face and his heart continued beat stronger and stronger.
"Forgive yourself, Heero." The girl smiled. "I have." Another Flash of lightning. A crack of Thunder. The chill was gone.
The girl was right. He needed to forgive himself. Relena loved him. Not for who he was then, but in spite of it. Not for what he could be, but for who he was now. She accepted him for and with everything. Anything else didn't matter. Heero stood and looked at the girl's ghost.
"I'm sorry." She smiled; a pure, real smile that chased the last of his chill away.
"I know that, silly. Now I have to take Mary out for her walk." The puppy barked and ran off. "Wait for me, Mary!" And the girl vanished into the night just as the clouds cut loose. Heero stood there in the cold rain and let the downpour drench him. He felt truly at peace for the first time. He smiled. That smile turned into a laugh. As the rain continued to fall, he made his way back to their room, water dripping from his clothes and hair. He knelt next to the bed, brushed the hair from her face and leaned in to place a kiss on her lips.
Her eyes opened and she gave him a sleepy smile. But her brow furrowed, and she looked at him.
"Heero?" He smiled at her.
"Go back to sleep."
"You're soaking wet!" He caressed her cheek.
"I had a nightmare… but it's over now." He leaned in and touched his forehead to hers.
"Come back to bed?"
"Yeah. Let me get dried off." He kissed her softly, then stripped out of his wet clothes. He took a hot shower and slipped on a pair of sweats. Crawling into bed, he pulled her close under the covers and allowed himself to get lost in her. She was his world, and soon, their child would be too. She was his everything and he owed her everything. Kissing her neck softly.
"Thank you." He whispered. She hummed, still barely awake.
"For what?" She uttered in a sleepy voice.
"Everything." She hummed again and sighed and drifted back to sleep. He hugged her closer and kissed her neck once more letting her love be the peace that allowed him to rest.