Chapter Thirty: Cryptkeeper Escape
It was only supposed to be a small raid. Just for the Doom Raiders to see what the Undead caravans were visiting the Golden Desert for. As far as they knew, no one came out here- unless they wanted Grave Clobber to end them, Wolfgang figured. These visitors couldn't be Skylanders, and the idea that anyone would want to come out here sent a combination of fear and excitement in his gut.
Mostly freedom, he decided after a while. It was just him and Pepper Jack, perhaps the only one who didn't mind his wild behavior. It was the thing that they'd taken him on for, but everyone except for the pepper man regretted the decision almost immediately after his demonstration of the raw fury instilled inside him. As they snuck toward the caravans, Wolfgang made it a point to be obnoxious, slashing the tires with the blade of his bone harp while simultaneously pulling chords on it.
"The boneheads won't know what they're missin' once we're done," Wolfgang beamed. "We'll bleed 'em dry, give nothin' up."
He noticed Pepper Jack become nervous as they came upon the center of the circle. "Could you calm down a minute, please?" he begged. "Something's wrong here."
"Nothin' to worry about. No one's around."
"That's exactly what I'm worried about. They're setting something up for us."
He pulled something out of his pocket and set it around his neck. The object looked like some kind of necklace with a skull piece on it- an Undead charm meant to protect against curses.
"Pretty," Wolfgang teased him.
"Precautionary- they could have weird curse bombs in the area, and between the two of us, I'd still like my own flesh," Pepper Jack argued. "Luckily I've got some pepper bombs to fight them off, and if they come after us, I hope you still have the mojo needed to take them on."
They snuck toward the largest of the caravans, right up behind it. Voices were heard in the driver's seat- the only ones they'd noticed. Wolfgang obliged to being quiet for Pepper Jack's sake, sliding the bone harp's blade under the lock and slicing the chain in one easy motion. The two of them quietly opened the back doors, hoping to slide away the treasures inside.
But nothing like treasure was found.
Just mindless ghouls standing in rows, eyes vacant, minds empty, all of them wearing the same kind of hospital gown. It unlocked a terrible memory in Wolfgang, and for the first time in a while he found himself scared.
"Wh..what is...?" he stammered, thoughts failing to form.
Pepper Jack took a step into the back, observing a tag on one of the ghouls. None of the tags had their individual names, just one detailing what they were and where they were from.
" 'Cryptkeeper Asylum Drones Service' ?" Pepper Jack noted. "That sound familiar to you, Wolfie?"
Wolfgang sat down, feeling lightheaded and short of breath. The memory enveloped him, and he could only feel figures shoving him around, prodding him, chaining him, sometimes beating him. Cryptkeeper was just an awful, awful place, one where he'd found himself when first turning Undead.
"...Cryptkeeper's the place he ought to be..," he muttered to himself, almost gasping for breath. "...No other place perfect for a beast..."
"Wolfgang?"
"~Paranoia, paranoia, ev'rybody's comin' to get me...~"
"Wolfgang, tell me what you're thinking."
"I'm just a beast, right Pepper Jack? Only reason you brought me on..."
An eruption of angry voices pulled Wolfgang out of his trance, though he wasn't yet in the right mindset to take off running. It had been Pepper Jack to yank him along in order to flee. Wolfgang didn't object- in fact, once he realized what was happening, he pushed himself to keep ahead of the angry ghosts tracking them down. In their haste, the two of them tumbled down a hill, hitting the bottom with some force. While they'd made some distance, their pursuers were not relenting.
"Ow! I think I hurt my leg!" Pepper Jack yelped.
Wolfgang scrambled to his feet, trying to help Pepper Jack onto his. They discovered that the pepper man's ankle had started to swell a bit, making their escape harder. Voices could be heard above the hill, searching for them. It would only be a matter of time before they were found.
"Wolfgang, I'm going to try and hold them off," Pepper Jack decided. "You just run back to the hideout and let the others know what's happened so they can help."
"And just leave you here?" Wolfgang stammered. "No, I'm not leavin' you here. I'll carry you if-"
"They can't be allowed to find the hideout. Those Cryptkeeper dudes will be too occupied with me to go after you. I'll be fine. Now go."
Wolfgang stood by for a second, then decided to take the pepper man's word and hurried off. He ran as fast as he could, not daring to look back. He swerved left past a half-buried statue, turning down a path hidden from the rest of the desert. Wolfgang tripped over a fallen stone, nearly colliding into the spirit Bad Juju as she floated by.
"What in the blazes has gotten into you?" she asked him.
"...Pepper Jack...Cryptkeeper...need help...," Wolfgang panted.
The other Doom Raiders were alerted to the situation and sent to help. But they returned too late. When Wolfgang tried to show them, only stained sand and broken wood was left to mark the struggle. Pepper Jack, as well as the caravans, was nowhere to be seen.
Only one brainwashed ghoul had been left behind, perhaps as a calling card. The Doom Raiders had ensured that there were no wires on him before bringing him into the Queen's throne room.
"Hm. I've never seen anything quite like this," Krankcase mused. "It's like there's nothing inside. A blank slate ready for molding."
Wolfgang stood by, silently watching this. A few days had gone by since the incident, and while the others had begun formulating a plan to find the pepper man, Wolfgang was unable to speak. Every time he tried to explain himself, his throat went dry. What could be said after this fiasco? How could he possibly forgive himself for what happened?
"Can these 'drones' do anything we tell them to?" the Golden Queen asked.
"Not sure. Doesn't seem like anything can go into his head."
"The Gulper seems that way, too. But with a bit of effort, you can tell him what you need."
They wouldn't be talking about that if they knew what had gone into that drone. The Doom Raiders were heinous villains, but there were lines that they were unable to cross.
"Would you say something, Wolfgang?" the Golden Queen suddenly shouted. "What happened wasn't your fault, so get over it already."
She was one to talk- she'd probably trade them all away for a grand fortune. Besides, it was his fault. He knew he should've tried to stay calm about their discovery. He could've bothered to act a bit more refined when coming in as well- he'd probably alerted the ghosts to their presence like Pepper Jack had feared. He'd acted like the beast he was, and that had ruined everything.
Wolfgang left the throne room and walked outside of their hideout. The desert heat pounded on his back, his fur feeling heavy- he suddenly remembered how much he hated the desert. He spotted a trashcan and thrust his rage upon it, pounding it and hitting it on the ground. His commotion scared a wandering Dreamcatcher back into the hideout with a scream, and his anger wasn't spent until he tossed the item far across the sands. Wolfgang suddenly thought of Pepper Jack coming up to him and making some kind of comment about the event. "Trashcan steal your wallet, or something?" he might say.
By the Ancients, he missed him.
The end of the month wasn't far away- that was when the asylum brainwashed their patients, new and old. That much Wolfgang cared to recall. He started walking away from the hideout, heading toward the place where the caravans had been. He had to bring Pepper Jack home, and he wouldn't return until he did so.
Wolfgang wandered the Underworld for a bit, suddenly realizing that he'd forgotten the path to the asylum. He'd sworn not to go back there once he'd escaped, and most other things from that experience had been blocked from his memory. Time was of the essence, and so he held up a small shop run by ghouls in order to get his information. He wanted nothing more than to mess around and tear things up in his search- but the beast's way would only get him in trouble again.
"So, ladies and gents," he sneered. "Cryptkeeper. Ever heard of it?"
The cashier nodded meekly.
"Know the way?"
"W-we've got some atlases up here at the counter," the cashier muttered. "Y-you're welcome to take a look...if you'd like..."
Wolfgang did, snatching one from its shelf. He flipped through the pages before finding one that had a path to Cryptkeeper Asylum. It said that the northern path was the quickest way, taking only a few days to get there. That sounded appealing to him- he needed to be fast.
"You got building plans?" he asked.
"W-well, as important a landmark as the asylum is, they might have a building map for-for tourists," the cashier muttered.
Lo and behold, there indeed was one on the next page. Wolfgang tore it out. He started heading out, giving the denizens another sneer. "Thank you for your cooperation," he said callously.
He started traveling north, keeping away from peering law enforcement that happened to scroll by. Certain landmarks became familiar to Wolfgang as he went- there was a crooked old tree on the outskirts of Darklight Crypt, the cobbled stones of Cadaverous Crypt, and a wide line of memorial statues left for soldiers in some Battle of the Graves from long before he'd been born. Memories of his frantic run down the other way returned- that's right, he had been this way before. And he'd no doubt have to hurry back once he found Pepper Jack.
He'd brought a bag down here in which he carried a few supplies. On one night, those supplies had dwindled down to nothing but his building plans. A hungry Wolfgang spotted another caravan one night, wording on the side of this one reading "Food Trade and Distribution." They probably came from the surface with those goods- and the air definitely carried a whiff of meat that came from the caravan. Wolfgang stopped the caravan in its path, snarling at the two ghouls driving it and forcing them out.
They insisted that the only thing in the caravan was a bread delivery, though the caravan itself was too big for something like that. Trying his best to remain civil, Wolfgang demanded the key from them. They obliged, and Wolfgang opened the back. He found packaged meat lining the walls, and the scent wafted toward his nose. His stomach growled from the discovery, reigniting his anger. Even when these two were frightened, they still had the audacity to be defiant. He slammed the back doors and faced the ghouls once again.
"And here I was, thinkin' I might let you run off with your limbs intact!" he yelled. "You know who I am, but now you'll actually get to see what happens to those who hide things from me!"
Wolfgang prepared to slam his bone harp on them, but a sound alerted his attention to a faraway mountain. It was like some kind of roaring sound, and it sent shivers down his spine- the asylum workers were preparing their brainwashing machine, and he was running out of time. Wolfgang contented himself with stealing the caravan and driving off, leaving the ghouls behind.
The caravan hit a bump as he reached the side of a cliff. It lost a wheel and then slid into the wall. Wolfgang climbed out and observed his fine work. The back had opened up, spilling the meat out. The vehicle itself looked dilapidated. He'd completely lost it again- the caravan would still be okay if he'd stayed calm.
He hid the evidence of a caravan with a fire, before hiding off in a cave with some of the meat he'd managed to save. It was a perfect place for a beast like himself to stay. Wolfgang began devouring some sugar-cured ham, and noticed something step inside the cave. It was some kind of skeletal ostrich, meek in stature, carrying a ruddy bag in its beak- Wolfgang's ruddy bag! In his haste, he'd completely forgotten about it. Wolfgang stepped closer to the bird, taking the bag back. He took the plans out of it, making sure that they hadn't been ruined.
"...Ruddy old thing, huh? The plans are all I need, anyway," Wolfgang muttered. He settled back in, tearing a chunk of meat off and tossing it to the bird. Wolfgang studied the plans with a sigh, wondering how much time he'd wasted in this recent fiasco. If he managed to save Pepper Jack, he was sure that the pepper man would be mad at him.
The bird didn't go away as soon as Wolfgang had thought it would. It nervously crept up to him, poking its beak at the lettering on the page. He tried shooing it away, but it wouldn't relent. For a bird, it seemed rather intelligent and determined.
"Why don't you go back home now?" Wolfgang asked it. "You look like you could be someone's pet. I certainly can't have another mouth to worry about feedin', especially if they're goin' to be moochin' off me."
But the bird crept back up, pointing at the paper again. It seemed to want to know something about the asylum. Wolfgang remembered how the asylum workers would pick recently-cursed people off the road, turning them into drones. They wanted conformity, and even the smallest of imperfections were purged there. Might as well make a profit from it, huh?
"Has your owner recently been cursed?"
The bird nodded.
Ah, so they were on the same boat. They both had friends trapped in that horrible place. Wolfgang just began talking to the bird, telling him his woes. Once, he lied and said that Pepper Jack had sent him messages- saying the truth out loud would make it feel too real- but his feelings came out nonetheless. The bird seemed to understand what he said, and suddenly became more adamant in staying. Wolfgang didn't want to rope anyone else along in his mission, but he struck a deal with the bird that allowed him to come. The bird would be his pack mule, helping him keep track of the items he needed- though he currently didn't have anything else at the moment, it was a good deal nonetheless.
Wolfgang remembered how the asylum yard was always busy with activity from the workers. Caravans always seemed to be coming in and out, bringing new patients into their midst. Often they were recently cursed beings, much like he had been. He always watched as they were brought in screaming, having seen the sights of the broken and battered patients on their way up. A few patients, himself included, had tried scrambling out of the handlers' way in a futile attempt at escape, but they were always put back in place. For the life of him, he couldn't figure out how he'd gotten out before, if the asylum was as secure as he found himself recalling.
These thoughts came to mind when he and the bird found the spiraling towers of Cryptkeeper Asylum. Unlike most days, the yard was empty- everyone was working in the basement where they made the drones. Smoke piled out of the chimneys, telling them that the workers had been busy long before their arrival. They didn't have much time if they wanted to save their friends.
Bone harp in hand, Wolfgang made a move to sprint out there. However, the bird nipped him on the leg before he could do so. He nearly snapped into a fit of rage, but he quickly realized the bird's purpose. The workers surely outnumbered them- how was a beast and a pile of bones supposed to take them all on? Great, even an animal had more common sense than him.
So they quietly snuck toward the back of the building instead, keeping away from workers that happened to be out. They watched as mindless ghouls were hauled into caravans, probably off for a sale. Who were they going to go to? Moneybone? Hektore? The Golden Queen- if that's how she planned on getting Pepper Jack home? Wolfgang became nervous by the thought. The song he'd muttered to the pepper man when they'd found the drones came back to mind, and he played it over in his head to distract from his fear.
When no more workers came out, Wolfgang took the chance and zipped into the building, halting in front of a few brainwashed ghouls. Lines and lines of them could be seen, all with blank expressions, all in the same kind of garbs, as if they were some kind of military unit. The bird was close behind him, and he squawked loudly in an attempt to get the ghouls to respond.
"Quiet! You'll get us caught!" Wolfgang whispered.
The bird gave him a somber chirp, lowering his head in shame. His innocence was easily read through that body language.
"I'm sorry. They can't hear you. Their minds are gone."
Wolfgang feared that the same would happen to Pepper Jack if he didn't hurry. It was noticed that the ghouls had their nametags on- with actual names instead of an advertisement. He read one off- "Orson," it said. The workers went in alphabetical order as they brainwashed their patients- maybe they were already working on Pepper Jack. Wolfgang took his things from the bird, bidding him ado before following the line down.
He snuck down the staircase that led to the basement. Wolfgang read off nametags in order to ensure that he wasn't too late, humming the song as his fears grew. Ozzy...Parker...Patrick...Pearson...oh, it just kept getting worse and worse. Wolfgang made it to the bottom of the staircase, right at the end of the line. A skeleton worker stood guard at the door to a room bathed in green light that streamed from the window. Screaming was heard from inside- Wolfgang recognized the voice as Pepper Jack's!
Fear taking hold, Wolfgang dropped everything aside from his bone harp, launching himself at the skeleton. The two of them tussled for a bit, Wolfgang trying to keep the action quiet while the skeleton tried to put him down. His opponent carried a syringe containing a strange sedative in it, attempting to jab it into the beast's body. Wolfgang managed to wrestle it away from him, inserting the sedative into the skeleton's arm and watching him go limp. As he took the skeleton into the back corner, the screaming from the room stopped. Wolfgang's heart dropped to his chest- no, don't let it be true! He snuck toward the door to take a peek inside, wondering what had happened.
Several workers scrambled about, attending to the large machine on the back wall. Pepper Jack was seen tied to a chair, trying to squirm away from the workers trying to keep him still. Wolfgang sighed with relief as he saw that- good, he wasn't too late. The workers talked amongst themselves, commenting on something being wrong before they all headed into a back room. Wolfgang waited another moment before heading in, sneaking up close to Pepper Jack.
"Wolfgang, is that you?" Pepper Jack gasped.
"Yeah, it's me. Just...just me- couldn't stand it if the others came."
"Oh great."
"How are you feelin'?"
"Augh...my head aches. They've set me in front of that thing for half an hour. It's off right now, but..."
Wolfgang's eyes noticed that the charm Pepper Jack had put on days ago was still there. "The boneheads didn't bother takin' that thing off?" he asked.
"Suppose they had something special in mind for a Doom Raider."
"I guess it's that thing keepin' you safe from the machine. I've seen it scramble the brains of some strong-willed fellows, but none of them had charms like that."
"You mean you really have been here before?"
He wasn't sure where Pepper Jack had found that out. Wolfgang didn't reply.
The two of them directed their attention at the machine itself. It was shaped like that of a gargoyle, with a giant gaping maw that the workers stuffed the patients' faces in front of. There was some kind of ancient stone in there, and when the machine was turned on, the stone's energy was pointed right into the patients' faces and into their brains. Wolfgang gripped his bone harp tightly. He wanted to see that thing go, stone and all. For once, he didn't want to see anyone else suffer, especially in this dark place.
"Hey Pepper Jack, I'm goin' to do somethin' rash," Wolfgang muttered. "Everyone will probably come down here to see what happened, and they'll probably swamp us- but I hope they'll be more worried about the machine."
"Then go ahead and do it," Pepper Jack insisted. "I'd rather have something rash than nothing at all."
"I'll free you from that chair before settin' off to work. And...and I'd like you to follow the song I have in mind- it'll distract you from everythin' goin' on."
Wolfgang broke the ropes that restrained Pepper Jack. He directed his rage at the machine, smashing it into bits. The stone fell out of the metal maw, and he smashed that into powder as well. Alarms began blaring ahead of them, and it would only be a matter of time before the workers came back.
"Aah, my head!" Pepper Jack cried. "What do you expect me to do!?"
Wolfgang gripped the pepper man's arm, dragging him out of the room. "~I'm not sick, but I'm not well!~" he hollered as they hurried along. "C'mon, altogether! ~I'm not sick, but I'm not well!~"
"Alright, fine! ~I'm not sick, but I'm not well!~"
"Yeah, there you go! Now just repeat after me!"
Wolfgang rushed them out of the building, swerving past the brainwashed ghouls and trying to keep ahead of the workers spilling out of the basement. He and Pepper Jack belted out the song as loud as they could, drowning out the sound of the alarms. As they got outside, the workers by the caravans saw them and tried to attack- Wolfgang blew them away with a strum from his harp, his evil music knocking them back. The two of them hurried along, making distance from the awful asylum.
Pepper Jack didn't fully recover until the day they made it back to the Golden Desert, and Wolfgang had to carefully lead him around until then. Once he felt better, Pepper Jack spent much of his time complaining about the experience. Wolfgang allowed him this. He knew he had a lot to get off his chest. And Wolfgang found himself unable to really talk about it.
"...Days I spent chained to that wall, unable to move an inch!" Pepper Jack spat. "They insisted it was part of their therapy process, but it's something I've never heard of."
"Did they prod you?" Wolfgang muttered.
"Yeah, with a long, pointy stick that scratched the skin. It's also the same stick they used to give us water and feed us a single type of food a day. Know what it was?"
"Aspic."
"Three times a day! That's not something a man can live on!"
The pepper man blathered on, though Wolfgang lost his attention on the words as his own thoughts came up. His memories of that time came back to him after their escape, each of them as horrible as they'd felt before. However, he had no desire to try and suppress them this time. If Cryptkeeper somehow recovered from the blow he dealt them and decided to come back, he'd need to remember how he escaped so he could go back and help. And it had been the promise he'd made to himself upon his initial escape that fueled his work in the Doom Raiders.
He wouldn't let anyone treat him like garbage ever again. They'd have to suffer his wrath before that happened.
And he tried to tell himself that he didn't mind being a beast that his pack disliked. He wouldn't care if Pepper Jack began to dislike his fury. That was their issue. It wasn't in his place to care.
Wolfgang felt Pepper Jack grab his shoulder in warning. He'd nearly walked into the half-buried statue. Wolfgang noticed the pepper man's stance and decided that it reminded him of some kind of guardian. He knew how he acted- if Pepper Jack had felt ill will toward him, he would've just allowed him to walk into the statue as an act of revenge. But he wasn't mad. A flood of emotion welled up inside Wolfgang- he couldn't believe that Pepper Jack wasn't mad.
"You know, those asylum workers were pretty steamed when you got away from them," Pepper Jack began. "That's how I figured you were there before. So you dealt with the same stuff."
"Yeah, but I think they were rougher with me," Wolfgang said quietly. "I was just another beast when I was there."
"Are you okay about it? It must've been hard to go back there after everything you've been through."
"I'm alright. Just tired, I s'pose. It's been a long few weeks."
"I hear you. I think the two of us have earned a big meal and long nap when we get back. I'm sure Goldy will understand that...hey, what's up with you?"
Tears had begun falling down Wolfgang's face. He was trying his hardest not to cry at this point, but he was failing spectacularly in that regard. "S-S'pose they turned your mind to mush before I got there," he pouted. "You'd never cook another meal, or tell another joke, or have another chat with us ever again. You'd be next to dead, and it would be my fault for not controlling myself around those caravans."
Pepper Jack took him into a hug. Wolfgang stood there, taking in the pepper man's spicy scent. His pouts turned into big blubbery sobs. He just couldn't imagine what he'd do if the worst had happened.
"Deep breaths, there you go," Pepper Jack said. "You're fine. What happened wasn't your fault. It could've happened to anybody. And hey, if you do so want to talk about Cryptkeeper, you finally have someone to relate to!"
"...That doesn't help," Wolfgang choked out.
"I'm okay, you know. We're both alright. No damage done. No need to be so worried."
Pepper Jack released Wolfgang as he started calming down, motioning his fingers as if he was trying to take a picture. "I don't know about those asylum guys, but I just see a regular old werewolf here," he noted.
"One covered in tears and snot?" Wolfgang wondered pathetically.
"Apples and oranges. Now let's get back to the hideout- won't they be surprised to see the two of us?"
Wolfgang wiped his tears away. "I've really missed you, you know."
"I've missed you guys, too, Wolfie. Glad to be back."
Lyrics come from Lit's "I'm not sick but I'm not well".