Cosima

Cosima sighs, she'd gone across town to go to this French language bookstore. Oddly called a ' librarie '. She'd managed to locate both a book Delphine kept talking about and a couple movies she thinks they both might enjoy. The clerk assured her, without laughing at her rough and broken French, that both had subtitles. She might as well have been wearing a shirt saying 't rying to impress a girl '.

Cosima stops at a café near by, deciding that the comparably temperate weather means she can try to sit outside.. Though she's still bundled up in her red coat clutching her mug of tea, the March weather is finally letting up. How was it almost April already? Where the hell had the time gone?

Cosima runs through the last few weeks. Wondering just how she ended up here, when she catches sight of a familiar set of eyes and a scarf she thinks she once owned.

"Felix is that you?" Cosima leans out on the sidewalk, but his face is half-obscured with a purple mask. But the rest of the face seems undeniably familiar.

Felix turns to her, surprised to see her. "Cosima? So you are a hard woman to get a hold of lately. So what happened with you and the French osteopath?"

"That's a long story." Cosima laughs. "Do you want to sit down?"

"Sure." Felix sits. "I was seeing a friend not far from here... and … well total waste of my time. So… what happened?"

"We're like… pseudo-dating." Cosima admits a little awkwardly. There's nothing else to call it. The dinners. The lunches. The coffee dates. The frequent talking and texting of it all.

"Pseudo-dating?"

"Yeah. We go to dinner, movies, went snowboarding… like all kinds of things. We haven't gone for a girl's weekend away yet. But I am sure it is coming." Cosima collapses into her hands. She is in trouble. She is in so much trouble.

"And your birthday? How'd that go?"

"Uh dude, that was weeks ago. And Delphine figured it out and ordered me six custom mini cupcakes from a bakery." Cosima adds, keeping her face hidden. It had been adorable, romantic even, when Delphine had surprised her at her apartment with a box of cupcakes, having brought both a candle and a lighter to light it.

"Well you couldn't have a party anyway." Felix shrugs. "Well I mean you could, but with God-knows-whatever-variant circulating a lot of people won't show."

"Yeah… Yeah." Cosima nods. She'd spent her 33rd birthday a lot happier than her 32nd. Shoulder to shoulder with Delphine on her couch, laughing and watching a silly movie. They'd ordered in and had dinner. It had been perfect. But Cosima remembers trying to force down the longing she felt looking at Delphine grinning madly at her. The night had ended with Delphine giving her a kiss on the cheek and calling an Uber home.

"So did you try?"

"Try what?" Cosima counters. She was careful about queer content. Even in movies, she was breaking that rule with her new purchases.

A few months had largely made Delphine's presence in her life feel… normal. Cosima mused. And she was adjusting. Other than her intense attraction to Delphine becoming… more. And more and more difficult to ignore at that.

"So?"

"If Delphine were openly queer… I would have tried to get into bed with her. 100%." Cosima looks up, she regards Felix openly. But he only laughs at her.

"Yeah I Facebook creeped her. I bet you would." Felix nods. "So is she divorced yet?"

"She's waiting on processing." Cosima sighs. "But her ex isn't bothering her too much." That was an improvement, Cosima knew. After the house was settled. And they'd managed to divide investments in mediation… it seemed Simon was content enough to leave Delphine alone.

"So… why not try?"

"Because if I try and she says no… that's it. Bye bye friendship." Cosima wonders if she'd made a mistake not trying sooner. But it didn't seem right. Not after Delphine had ended a marriage. She'd always been more impulsive than this, leaping in, going to bed as quickly as possible and dealing with the consequences later. She'd never had this before. At least not exactly.

"So… you're saying you're acting like a queer teenage girl in love with her best friend." Felix looks her over and rolls his eyes.

"Hey…" Cosima shouts before quieting. He isn't wrong. That isn't so far off from where she's stuck.

"So you fell in love like an idiot?"

"I am such an idiot." Cosima admits taking a sip of tea. "And I don't know the way out of this one."

"Wine." Felix suggests. "Drink some wine together, and kiss her. You remember how to do the rest." And with that Felix swans off down the street.

Love wasn't easily fixed, or forgotten. Cosima knew. And she was already in a bit deeper than she'd like. But maybe she could deny it. That could work. For a while.

Cosima quickly tidies up her apartment. The one bedroom apartment ran her more a month than she really wanted to admit, but she wasn't going to settle.

A soft knock at the door, has her jumping up and jogging to the door. She quickly glances herself over. She's dressed fine for the evening. They were actually going out. Delphine had gotten them tickets for a play, and it was safe enough. Cosima figured. Even though they'd have to wear masks.

"You're… late?"

"Kind of always late…" Cosima begins the phrase.

"Yes. Kind of always sorry." Delphine nods, finishing it. "You look really nice."

"Thanks." Cosima grins, the dress is new. And chosen to display her assets well. She wants to look good for Delphine. Wants Delphine to look at her. Delphine wears black dress pants and a nice blouse. Cosima tries not to imagine removing the garments. Tries desperately not to conjure the image of Delphine hovering above her.

"So… do you want my good news?"

"Absolutely." Cosima grabs her jacket and follows along after Delphine. She cannot keep her waiting any longer.

"My divorce is final." Delphine announces. "The paperwork has been processed. I am a free woman."

"Congratulations." Cosima turns to Delphine. She wonders absently if she could get away with kissing her. What would happen if she leaned forward towards Delphine's mouth. Would Delphine close the gap between them? Would she stare cluelessly and wonder what she's trying to do? Does it matter?

"Thank you." Delphine smiles. She's at peace with it, Cosima reasons. A good step. And maybe… maybe she has a chance in hell.

She barely remembers the play, all she can think of, or focus on is Delphine. Watching Delphine watch the play, observing Delphine's enjoyment. It is good to get out, obviously. And she hasn't seen a play in who knows how long, but it's artsy and fine… and in English. More than she could really ask for.

"Did you like it?"

Cosima tries desperately to remember more than a synopsis of the play. She is so screwed, Cosima thinks looking across the table at Delphine. She's falling for her.

"Yeah it was good. Very… human."

"It was… very flawed characters but.. Beautiful." Delphine clearly had no problems paying attention.

"Yeah. Obvs. Thanks for inviting me." Cosima opts for pleasantries rather than admit she'd spent most of the play watching Delphine instead.

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah. Of course." Cosima nods.

They stop at Delphine's for something on the way back and she's curious. She hasn't spent much time here.

"Apartment?"

"Yes. Condo style." Delphine waves her in and Cosima follows. The walls are all painted a soft grey.

"You rent this?" Cosima takes in the kitchenette. It's small, smaller than she expected. But clearly it met Delphine's needs well enough.

"Yes. I'll be buying when my lease is up." Delphine nods. "I've started looking but the housing prices are still a little ridiculous."

"Tell me about it. Rent is robbery too." Cosima agrees pleasantly. "Nice location though."

"Oh the location is excellent. Very convenient." Delphine agrees. "Do you want a glass of wine?"

"Yeah. Sure." Cosima agrees and she watches Delphine flit about the kitchen, finding a bottle opener, two glasses and a bottle of wine in succession.

Delphine hands her a glass and she takes a long swig.

"Thanks."

"So… tell me. Where are you tonight?" Delphine sits beside her, they sit shoulder to shoulder.

"Just thinking about everything."

"I know that feeling." Delphine sips her wine before setting her glass on a cork coaster on the small glass table.

"You do?"

"Yes. I do… Hopefully you had a good time anyway."

"Absolutely." Cosima is quick to nod and gesture her agreement. "I like hanging out with you Delphine. A lot actually.

"Kept me from thinking about my divorce. It's a relief, yes. But… all day I kept thinking how on every document I fill out from now on I need to circle the box for divorced. I'll… I'll never get away from it."

"We can't get away from ourselves." Cosima is quick to sigh.

"No. We cannot. For good or bad. I thought coming to Canada would lessen my pain. I have a cousin here, did you know that?"

"No I didn't."

"Mmhmmm. He came for university. Fell in love with a québecoise… and he has never left." Delphine sighs.

"Lucky."

"Seems that way from the outside. But … Olivier and Annie… they are a normal couple. They argue over things. They parent their child.. They… manage such normality. And our family… they were so angry he went and married Annie. It was… so fast. But… they made it work. And… Simon and I could not."

"Luck. Maybe. Or… work. Probably both." Cosima sighs. "I couldn't make my last serious relationship last either. Despite trying. She… she got married to her girlfriend last year."

"What was her name?"

"Kaitlyn." Cosima offers. "Her wife is Melissa. They're… happy I presume."

"Are you friends with them?"

Cosima yawns. "Not really. Just… friends of friends now. They live around Toronto so I don't have to see them anymore. But we share mutual friends. No way around it."

"I left. I found a way around it. Some of my friends thought I'd gone crazy leaving Simon. Others… were more sympathetic. And I… I just needed to leave. To get as far away as possible."

"I think you managed that." Cosima cannot keep the amusement out of her voice. Putting an ocean between yourself and an ex seemed sufficient.

"I did." Delphine sighs. "Tell me something. Anything."

Cosima sags back against the couch, feeling warm and a little sleepy. "What do you know about sacred geometry?" She holds up her wrist, her nautilus tattoo.

"Tell me about it. I love listening to you talk."

Cosima wakes to the soft gray fabric of Delphine's couch. The blinds are drawn closed and it's early morning. A blanket had been thrown over her sometime during the night. A familiar pain radiating through her lower back and down her legs lets her know she's miscalculated again.

"Fuck." Cosima groans. She's fairly certain she shoved her menstrual cup into her purse. But she was expecting three more days before her next period. She'd even cleared her schedule for it. Instead it was starting now.

"Ça va?" Delphine walks over to her, clad in a light pink nightgown and a silk robe that Cosima quickly closes her eyes . She doesn't want that mental image. It would too quickly make its way into her fantasies.

"My period started. Early." Cosima grumbles, grabs her purse from next to the door and closes herself in the bathroom.

"Do you want tea?"

"Please." Cosima groans through the door. She manages to clean up enough to insert the cup, but her underwear are done for. The pale purple lace she'd chosen just in case things got romantic with Delphine were no match for her cycles. She leans over the sink and moans.

"Do you want to take a shower? Does that help?" Delphine suggests. "I can loan you clothes."

"Right OK." Cosima nods. She opens the door enough for Delphine to hand her a fluffy white towel. Well, that could go wrong. Cosima thinks. She showers and spends far too long on her hands and knees letting the water blast her back turned up too hot to really be comfortable.

She emerges to Delphine having made her breakfast and tea. She puts on a tank, and underwear that no doubt belong to Delphine, and they fit. Well enough anyway.

"I don't know if I can eat right now." Cosima admits. "I don't particularly want to throw up in front of you." Her diet changes had helped, anything that reduces inflammation helped. Ditching dairy and wheat had sucked a lot though. And she wasn't good at being consistent.

"Lay on my couch. Or my bed…" Delphine suggests. "I can try… try to do a quick adjustment. See if I can help you."

Cosima shakes her head without thinking. "Don't you have any patients to torture?" She cannot let Delphine do that. Delphine isn't even wearing a mask. She'll be able to see her face during the whole process. It will be worse.

"Cosima, it's Sunday." Delphine reminds her. "And I am sorry what I do for you… did for you is painful. But some of my patients, it's not. Concussions for example, most of those patients fall asleep on my table."

"Seriously?" Cosima looks up at her. Delphine is still in her damned robe.

"Let me see if I can help you." Delphine offers. "Just a half hour."

"You're offering me a freebie?" Cosima squints up at Delphine.

"If you want. If you don't… I won't touch you." Delphine shrugs. "It would just be to increase movement for your organs. Try to mitigate some of the pain."

"OK." Cosima agrees, and lays against the couch.

"The couch is a little soft… but I'll do my best." Delphine tells her, and begins probing at her organs through her skin. "It's worse on the left." Delphine comments after a good ten minutes of trying to manipulate her organs through her flesh.

"Yeah. Yeah. I can tell." Cosima gets out, breathing. It's familiar and awful. And as Delphine pushes her fingers deeply into her lower belly, she cannot help thinking about other places she'd like to have those fingers. How much she'd love to feel Delphine inside her. Cosima closes her eyes and tries to shut out the fantasy.

"Can you flip around? Sorry." Delphine asks, and then works the other side. "Leg up please. Yes thank you. That's good. Good girl."

Cosima tries not to shudder. Tries not to go there. Not with her friend who really shouldn't be doing this anyway.

"What if I did this to you… it would only be fair." Cosima grunts when Delphine guides her knee up and tries to press her fingers into her pelvic diaphragm. It hurts. As much as she remembers. She wonders if this will actually help, or if Delphine is just feeling sorry for her and figuring she should try.

"I hate to tell you this, but if you tried to do this to me, it wouldn't hurt." Delphine winces at her and keeps working.

"Fuck… seriously?"

"I don't have endometriosis. I don't have menstrual or sexual pain. If an osteopath did this to me… I'd be fine." Delphine tries to look sympathetic. "I don't have these problems."

"Well it sucks to be me."

"Non. I think you're pretty wonderful. You just… have some bad luck." Delphine keeps working and the pain is terrible. She releases her fingers. Cosima lets out a breath. It was too much.

"All done."

"Yes. You were really good. I hope it helps. I... I have some massage therapy training, I could massage you a little if you like." Delphine tells her. And it's too much. Cosima closes her eyes again, laid out on the couch. She cannot let Delphine do that. Not now. With her luck Delphine would call her a good girl again and she'd orgasm on cue.

"I need to go home." Cosima shakes her head.

"OK. I understand, you're not feeling well." Delphine says. "I'll call you an Uber."

"Thanks." Cosima sighs.

"I have Tylenol?" Delphine offers. "I could make you a different breakfast?"

"I'll take it. No food thanks.." Cosima takes two extra strength capsules with a glass of water and hopes it takes the edge off enough to get home. It's better at any rate. She can move around. As terrible as she feels.

"I'm sorry, Cosima."

"Why?" Cosima sits up. "Just hand me some clothes and I'll be going."

"I meant that it hurts." Delphine sits with her. "It likely will get worse as you age."

"Yeah torture until hysterectomy or menopause. I know." Cosima shakes her head.

"I can recommend a really good naturopath?" Delphine offers. "Or a good RMT? You're quite tense, Cosima. Massothérapie may help."

"Yeah OK." Cosima needs to leave. Needs to leave now before she surrenders to her deeper urges and kisses Delphine or something else stupid.

"Here. Let me help you." Delphine goes to her bedroom and comes back with a shirt.. "Wear this. Your own pants will have to do. Mine are way too long."

"Thanks." Cosima nods. She will go home smelling like Delphine and there's nothing she can do about it.