Delphine
She doesn't want to go. Delphine thinks, sitting on the couch. She's been sorting through real estate ads, trying to figure out her next move literally. And then this. A stupid text message picture has her wanting to scream and cry. It isn't right. It doesn't make any sense.
Her phone buzzes again. Thankfully a quick glance tells her that it's Cosima. She quickly uses her landline to buzz Cosima into the building. It's enough. She'll have to get ready. Delphine looks down at herself. She's still wearing her yoga pants from work. She isn't dressed to go out. She doesn't even want to go out.
"Delphine?" Cosima's voice calls from beyond the door. The elevator must have been sitting in the lobby, this was much faster than usual.
"I'm here." Delphine unlatches the door and lets it swing open to reveal Cosima.
"So are you ready?" Cosima hovers by the door. "What do you want to do tonight? I thought you wanted to go get charcuterie at that restaurant downtown."
"I did… but…"
"What happened?" Cosima looks over her face. She pays attention, Delphine thinks. She can tell something is wrong.
"The baby is born." Delphine tells her. "Simon sent me a photo." She supposed he meant it as courtesy. It stung terribly. More than she expected it would. At least she had her divorce now. The only words had been a name, Maxime and the child's weight, 2.9 kg. At least Simon hadn't really wanted to talk.
"Is he cute?" Cosima asks.
"He looks like Simon." Delphine deadpans. She shows Cosima a photo of her ex-husband holding up the baby with a stupid smile plastered on his face. The baby will be attractive, there's no way around it with Simon and Julie as parents. Right now, he looks like a red wrinkled newborn in a blue hat. But that will change, Delphine suspects.
Cosima's eyes widen. She knows why. Simon is attractive, very attractive. He looks like he could be an underwear model. Between that and his money, she knows why Simon landed Julie. His perfect wavy dark hair, his blue eyes. His chiseled jaw-line. He was a handsome man. Everyone had said so when they were together. Delphine knew that much was true.
"Wow Delphine… you could have at least picked someone a bit good looking." Cosima jokes but Delphine can tell Cosima is...shaken by this. But she cannot be threatened by it, Delphine reasons to herself. That doesn't make sense. They are friends .
"Do you want to come in?" Delphine asks. "I'm not much up to going out."
"I brought wine." Cosima holds up a bottle of Ontario VQA. "It's good stuff, I promise. We'll order UberEats and stay in. That was my plan given… well we thought this would happen soon."
"Let's drink it." Delphine states.
She lets Cosima into the condo, and shows her around briefly. She hangs her jacket in the small front closet.
"I'll get us glasses." Delphine offers, busying herself with getting to the kitchen. She stops short at pouring the wine. She looks to her phone again. Why the hell Simon would think it was appropriate to try to get a congratulations out of her she'll never know.
"What do you want for supper?" Cosima asks, scrolling her phone.
"Surprise me." Delphine demands.
Cosima pokes at her phone for several minutes more. "I ordered us some food from that noodle house. I got you seafood, and I went for vegetarian. With zero gluten or dairy." Cosima adds the last words in exasperation.
"As usual." Delphine agrees. Admittedly, she's pleased that Cosima is trying to keep to the endo diet. She's seen good results before, and hopes it helps reduce pain.
"I'll meet the delivery driver downstairs when it comes." Cosima assures her. "What do you need?"
"Maybe just to talk about it?" Delphine shrugs. "I… I am so irritated that he is happy."
"Are you happy?"
"NON!" Delphine shakes her head. "I… I didn't want this ! I mean.. My life is good. But… four years ago? I wouldn't have wanted this."
"What did you want?" Cosima is calm, so calm that Delphine tries to quiet her own voice.
"I wanted… I wanted things to work. For so long. And then I just wanted out. He was never going to grow up." Delphine shakes her head. "I thought… I thought he could never give me what I wanted. He was unwilling. But…"
"But what?"
"He is such an asshole." Delphine rants, deciding Cosima can deal. "I don't know why I wanted him at all. I was a stupid spoiled girl when I started dating him and an idiot the day I agreed to marry him."
"He is. Total asshole. You were right to leave him. Even if he is really hot." Cosima is quick to affirm her.
"Here…" Delphine hands her two glasses and lets Cosima pour. The glasses are large and that seems sufficient for dealing with such an event.
"Santé." Cosima clinks their glasses together briefly, but Delphine cannot make herself return the pleasantries. She takes an enthusiastic sip of wine before she continues.
"He went and made a baby with a 24 year old girl!" Delphine rages. "He has no business being a father, he cannot take care of his own dog. He should have gotten a vasectomy. I suggested it once, just once and he just about lost his mind."
Cosima giggles a bit at this. "He totally should have. Would have saved you money on birth control."
"Money. Time. I like being off of it… I know I shouldn't." Delphine shoots her a small smile. "I stopped taking it a few months after I left. More natural. Feels… feels good."
"Higher drive or just… side effects?"
"Both. I just feel better." Delphine shrugs. "More energy. Like… these are my natural hormones and I spent years in some sort of other state. It's an interesting experience."
"There was a study done once… strippers not on hormonal birth control make higher tips." Cosima volunteers. "Sorry that was weird. You can tell I'm drinking."
"Did they really?"
"Yes. All around higher tips, and higher still at ovulation. Human pheromones are definitely a thing." Cosima informs her between long sensual sips of red wine. "So there's that."
"It makes sense. From a biological perspective, a deep subconscious part of their brain is aware of fertility and responds to it. I wonder how it works for lesbians." Delphine contemplates this, sipping her wine thoughtfully.
Cosima begins to giggle. "Well… the attraction part is all there. The fertility is a moot point. But… you… I mean, women generally smell good to me."
"Like perfume and soap?" Delphine laughs. She preferred working on women for various reasons. Generally better personal hygiene made the list. Women's health being neglected by the medical system was another. She made a difference there.
"Like… they smell like women ." Cosima tells her bluntly. "I hate dude-smell. It's super gross."
"Dude smell?" Delphine repeats, wrinkling her nose. Her phone goes off. "I'll get the food."
Cosima vanishes and Delphine is left to contemplate that. Cosima is likely talking about the smell of sweaty men. She's not sure any woman really enjoys that. Particularly old sweat.
"Food." Cosima announces, putting a compostable container and chopsticks in front of her.
They begin to eat. But Delphine finds she isn't very hungry. She eats two shrimp and picks at her noodles and vegetables before asking again. "What did you mean dude smell?"
Cosima makes a face and laughs. She's eaten fairly quickly and takes another long swig of wine. "You know, did you ever live in campus in university?"
"Non… I didn't. But I did date men." Delphine reaches for the wine bottle, refilling both of their glasses. "I am rather… accustomed to them."
"A mix of man sweat, beer and semen. Yuck." Cosima makes a face. "Very gross. At least to me."
"I suppose…" Delphine giggles. "It is not a pleasant smell. But… I don't mind it I guess." She remembers days when Simon was too sweaty, or she'd persuaded him to bathe before bed. He was usually pretty good about showering when asked, and she'd usually offered sex as an incentive.
Cosima drinks another few mouthfuls of wine. "Did you like letting him…?"
"Letting him what?"
"Come inside you. Or on you." Cosima makes a face again, and Delphine is reminded how very different their experiences are. Cosima's never been with a man, or at least Delphine assumes she hasn't. Who is to say what her experiences were. Surely not every woman got through her adolescence fully certain of her sexual identity.
Delphine is taken back by the question. "I… it was just part of it, Cosima. He orgasmed. He ejaculated. It ...it's natural." She'd never thought much about it, she vaguely remembers being disgusted as a young girl the first few times. But… she got used to it.
"Right…" Cosima looks away. "Forget what I asked."
"My concern was not getting pregnant." Delphine laughs. "He wanted no more condoms. That meant birth control. And when I learned he never wanted to be a father, I once suggested sterilization. Big mistake."
Cosima nods sympathetically. "Makes sense. Unwanted pregnancies are a drag."
"I've never been pregnant. I was… very responsible." Delphine laughs.
"And lucky." Cosima adds. And she's not wrong.
"Yes. There's luck there too… but with my job. I don't think I could have a baby. I don't qualify for maternity leave here. I thought about it, but the most I could take off would be 4-6 months. And I wouldn't get paid. Which in France, is standard, except I'd be paid. But here… here mothers, educated, well-employed mothers… take a year. I'd need a nanny. It would get expensive. Difficult." Delphine had thought this all through when she'd first left her marriage. She'd considered it, briefly. But it didn't seem attainable.
"Yeah. Some of my friends have kids. I don't know anyone who did it on their own. Is that… is that something you want?"
"It's not feasible." Delphine shakes her head. "I'd need a partner to make it all work I think. I don't know when that will happen." Or if , Delphine adds to herself. But at least she doesn't have to deal with Simon anymore.
"So you help women get pregnant but you can't do it yourself."
"I help increase blood flow and movement, increase health which… promotes fertility." Delphine smiles. "I also work on pregnant women, to alleviate pain. It's.. common enough part of the job. I like it."
"Would you have done that for me?"
"Of course. In France, you had to be married to access assisted reproductive technologies. Here… I know from my clients that you don't." Delphine looks softly back at her. "If that is what you wanted from me as your osteopath… I would have. I would have helped you make it work. Elsa still could, if you want."
"But I wanted less pain." Cosima points out. "Just less pain."
"And… I hope I helped. Elsa too, of course." Delphine acknowledges. She wants to bring it up again, to remind Cosima that her adhesions and scarring will worsen with time, that if she wants to have a child that she should consider doing so while she can. But not wanting to overstep, Delphine says nothing. Perhaps it's not something Cosima wants at all.
"You did. Delphine, it is better. Much better." Cosima assures her, and this brings her comfort. At least a little.
"Good." Delphine nods. She takes comfort in that. She may have lost a lot. But she has a good friend. And she's managed to help her. She has her work. She will buy a new home. Delphine takes a deep breath.
"So… what do you want to do this weekend?" Cosima tosses out, abruptly changing the subject. "I thought we should book an B and B… take a chill weekend out of the city. Or we could go to that Nordik spa. It's May. It's warm enough."
"I like that." Delphine nods. Cosima was excellent company, and she knew that would be fun.
"Great. I'll send you some listings. Or I could surprise you. Make it happen. There could be wine tastings." Cosima grins at her.
"And spa treatments?"
"And wine." Cosima grins. "We'll have a blast. Just relax."
It's finally happened, Delphine thinks. Canada has begun to feel like home. So much so that going away for the weekend excites her. And it's… it's so much because of Cosima. Because of their friendship.
"I don't know what I'd do without you, Cosima." Delphine looks over at her, and she smiles at the sight of Cosima next to her.
"I'm here when you need me." Cosima tells her. And she looks at her so intensely, that for a moment Delphine needs to look away.
"You have a lot of time."
"For you? Always. Just not while I am on my cycle cramping up and puking on the floor." Cosima tells her. And Delphine knows that's true. Cosima disappears every 32 days or so for several days before resurfacing. Maybe she should do more to help her. If she cannot treat her, maybe she could drop off food those days? Or something. She knows trying to help more directly results in Cosima becoming rather agitated with her. But there must be something.
"You're not dating anyone?" Delphine asks, trying to change the subject.
"No. I'm not." Cosima responds softly. And something in her gaze makes Delphine's stomach do flip-flops. This part of their connection she's done her best to ignore. Mostly because it doesn't make sense. Partially because she isn't sure what to do about it, if anything.
"Is it because of pain?"
"Mostly. Yeah." Cosima nods. "It gets complicated because of it, even though I am willing to work around it. And some women would be fine with it, others… not being able to penetrate me would be a dealbreaker."
Sex hurts Cosima. Delphine remembers and she feels sad for a moment. She hopes Elsa's treatment is making a difference but they don't talk about it. If it's this debilitating for Cosima's social life, her relationships… then that is sad.
"How long has it been?" Delphine suspects it has been at least several months. Maybe she could encourage Cosima to try again. Maybe there would be improvement.
"A while." Cosima is noncommittal.
"Do you miss sex?"
"Do you?" Cosima counters.
"Non. After the first year I stopped missing it." Delphine is honest about that. It doesn't cross her mind too often.
"Fair." Cosima sighs. "I miss it sometimes. But… I miss the way it was in my early 20s before I had as much pain. Now it just… a lot of it hurts. Things I used to like aren't exactly easy anymore."
Delphine looks at Cosima for a moment. She knows Cosima is attractive, and that Cosima is a lesbian. She wonders what that might be like, to want another woman like that. What they'd even do together. How it might feel to kiss her, a soft kiss, no doubt.
"Where are you?" Cosima laughs at her.
"Nowhere important."
"You were looking at me like…" Cosima looks back, and for a moment Delphine worries Cosima can tell what she's thinking. Which is, of course, impossible.
"Like what?" Delphine asks softly, leaning in over the kitchen island.
Cosima swallows, her gaze flickers down to her mouth and then back. "Like… you like what you see."
"I do like you." Delphine takes another long sip of wine. She needs to put a little distance between them. What is she doing? Is she this lonely?
"OK… I think we have to cut you off." Cosima takes the glass from her hand and downs the rest of the wine herself.
"So now you'll be drunk? How is that any better?" She cannot resist laughing at this solution. What did it matter if they got a bit drunk? Surely nothing too terrible would happen.
Cosima sighs. "I am a very courteous drunk. I'll even call my own cab home."
"You could stay." Delphine is quick to offer. "I have vegan ice cream bars in my freezer." There's no reason to cut this evening short. And Cosima's stayed on her couch before, if only once. And it was fine.
"No… I can't." Cosima shakes her head sadly at her. And Delphine feels it, there's still something there for Cosima. Something kept suppressed down. Something she needs to respect and give space to.
She isn't sure why she does it, but she leans forward, enfolding Cosima in her long arms. Cosima lets out a little sigh, and settles in against her.
It reaches her, Delphine thinks, the warmth of Cosima in her arms. Her presence. But what to do about it?
Delphine pulls back, letting one hand stroke Cosima's cheek slowly, her thumb just grazing a full lip. She leans in just a little. Maybe… maybe...
"Delphine…" Cosima's voice is low, wavering. And it gets to her. What is she doing!?
"I think you should go home, Cosima." Delphine speaks softly. Whatever this is. It cannot happen tonight, if ever.