Cosima
"So what, you're… friends now?" Felix looks at her, he sits happily on the patio munching a ridiculous breakfast of some gourmet eggs benedict. Cosima shakes her head. Why had she agreed to meet Felix for brunch? Was it just because they'd started smoking pot together? The munchies were not to be ignored. Cosima figured that was a good enough excuse. She had to use her vacation time anyway.
"Yes." Aside from that weird moment a week or so back, Cosima admits to herself. She should have kissed her. Should have just said fuck it, and planted a kiss on Delphine's mouth. Maybe that was her one opportunity.
"Just friends?"
Cosima nods. "Yeah. Just friends. Dude, she just got divorced. She's got way too much going on emotionally to handle some sort of crisis of sexuality." And that is what she's making herself stick to, despite her desires. Despite that one moment where she knew she could have Delphine.
"Crisis of sexuality?" Felix scoffs. "Just do it. Give her a fun thrill."
"Yeah. If I seduced Delphine, and I think I probably could. She'd go into confused straight girl mode. Can't do that to her. So… we're friends." Cosima sums up. "And I am seeing another osteopath every few months. And while she's not Delphine… It works to keep the pain under control. Down to a dull roar anyway."
"And there's no problem?"
"Just one." Cosima sighs. "Me." The one problem? Cosima thinks is that she still looks at Delphine and has to suppress the desire to make love to her like some kind of maniac. She fantasizes about it. Delphine's thighs clenched around her ears, Delphine's taste in her mouth, Delphine's voice telling her she's a good girl.
"So you're in love with her? Lame."
"Yeah. I think I am." Cosima sighs. And the more she knows Delphine, the worse it gets.
"So make your move. It might actually be a good way around your problem. She's straight, she'd probably just let you do her and not reciprocate."
"Yeah… unfortunately she's started online dating." Cosima makes a face. "Started when her ex's kid was born." Or just after their weird almost. But she doesn't want to admit that right now. Not to Felix.
"Eww. Is she fucking him?" Felix is delighted by the drama, and Cosima has to sigh again. "Are you still going to go for it?"
"I hope not." Cosima answers, trying to sound uninvested. Delphine had been out with some guy, a software engineer, at least twice. In one week, which makes it so much worse.
"What are you going to do?"
"Nothing." Cosima insists. "She deserves a chance to date. I mean, after Simon… I don't think she has dated much. It's good." Maybe she could swing their girls' weekend into a romantic weekend. Use that to change Delphine's mind. Find some place with a very big bathtub and a fabulous bed to fuck in. She could try to turn up the romance. Assuming Delphine doesn't fall in love with that stupid software engineer. What was his name? Mike? Dave? Something like that.
"Except that you're fantasizing about strapping it on and taking his place." Felix states calmly.
"What? No I'm not!" Cosima lies. The thought had crossed her mind. But it's not like thinking about that once or twice was totally out there. She hadn't actually bought anything. So it was totally OK. At least that's what she tells herself.
"You totally are." Felix leans in. He seems like even more of an asshole without the mask. His smirk is undeniable.
"Fine. The thought has crossed my mind."
"So do it. Buy yourself a giant cock and get to it. Bonus points if you show up packing and she goes for it." Felix giggles into his mimosa.
"You're ridiculous, you know that?" Cosima scoffs, shaking her head while she laughs. She couldn't do that. Way too presumptuous, on many levels
"I know… but you'd do it, admit it."
"Not a giant one… But yes. I'd do it. But not like uninvited." Cosima shakes her head impatiently. She can reconsider that depending how things are going closer to their weekend away. "But I am not 21 years old anymore, and… Delphine is not even a year younger than me. I can't just show up and expect her to want to have sex."
"You could try it." Felix laughs. "Works for me. No accessories needed for me though."
"Yeah well… men are different. " Cosima shakes her head.
"Oooh are you hitting me with biological determinism?!" Felix pretends to be scandalized. "Cosima… we cannot make those judgments in public. Or private. Depending."
"No… I am saying gay men's social...rituals are different. That is all." Cosima sighs. "I am supposed to make an effort to seduce." Plus there's the whole love complication.
"It's still seduction."
"Maybe. Maybe it doesn't have to go anywhere." Cosima tries the words out but it doesn't fit. Doesn't feel right.
"Hey Delphine!" Cosima surprises Delphine outside the clinic. Delphine's mid-text and drops her purse in surprise when she sees her. Several things fall out over the stone steps and Cosima drops to help scoop them back up.
"Cosima… Is … it's not Thursday." Delphine shakes her head nervously. "Did we… Did we have plans? I am so sorry. I must have forgotten."
"Uhh nope. It's Tuesday. Definitely Tuesday." Cosima shakes her head. "Sorry. I was in the neighbourhood and thought I'd swing by. I know you usually finish around now."
"Uh yes. I'm done for the day." Delphine confirms. "I was just texting Tom."
"Right. How is that going?" Cosima forces politeness. Tom. The dude's name was Tom. She should really try to remember that.
"I just… dropped my purse. You surprised me." Delphine looks spooked and Cosima chooses to leave it alone.
"Oh shit, here I'll help." Cosima gathers objects, fingers closing around two latex condoms. She holds the small metallic packages in her hand stunned. She knows what this means. The Durex logo haunts her with thoughts of a large faceless man giving it to Delphine. Thank god she hadn't had to meet the man, yet. With her luck she'd probably just caught Delphine sexting. She chooses not to look at Delphine's phone. A dick pic from Delphine's new boyfriend is not something she wants to see.
"Merci." Delphine thanks her, quickly grabbing the condoms from her hand and tucking them back into her purse. "Don't want to lose those."
"No… absolutely not. Safety first." Cosima attempts to joke but it falls flat. It reminds her this is a friendship, and nothing more. At least Delphine wasn't going to have unprotected sex, Cosima reasons to herself. Her romantic weekend plan could still work out. Maybe it didn't have to matter who else had Delphine between now and then. Unless she is like falling in love with the dude.
"Are you alright, Cosima?" Delphine turns to her, intently observing before she goes.
"No… I mean, yes. I am fine. So fine." Cosima repeats the words. "Totally fine. So when's your next date?"
"Oh… Saturday." Delphine brushes her off. "I've been seeing Tom for almost two weeks now, so… just in case I need to be prepared." Delphine is so calm about it, and it unnerves her more.
"In case he's not." Cosima adds. Two weeks is not enough, Cosima thinks. Why would Delphine want to move so quickly? Of course, demanding Delphine slow down would make her look like a control freak and a hypocrite.
"Exactly."
"So you haven't…?" Cosima tries to stop the hope from crawling into her voice.
"Haven't what?" Delphine laughs. "Had sex? Cosima, I've only been out with him twice." Delphine trails off with a laugh. "But we have a big date for Saturday. He's very excited."
"Right. Forget I asked. I am too gay for this." Cosima makes a face, trying to infuse humour into this. She cannot start fake or real gagging at the thought. She doesn't want to picture that either. Why straight women would say they didn't like a man enough to have sex with him but then decide to suck on his genitals as some kind of recompense she'll never understand.
Delphine laughs again, but her smile doesn't quite reach her eyes. "I was texting him. I wasn't expecting to see you today. Just details for our date."
"No, I get it. I surprised you. I can just go home." Cosima looks at Delphine who has begun biting her lip. "Do you love him?"
Delphine doesn't answer for a few long moments, her eyes wide. "Non. I mean, we just met… I don't even know him that well. Maybe I will someday. Maybe I won't… you're the one who said I should date." Delphine shrugs. "I… I am lonely, Cosima. And I should try to move on."
"Ages ago… before…" Cosima shakes her head. "Nevermind."
"He's pleasant. We… have fun." Delphine shrugs. "It's… not serious. And we have our spa date next weekend. So… going out with Tom this Saturday won't interfere. Next weekend, I am all yours."
"OK. I've booked us an Air BnB. We'll have fun." Cosima nods again, trying not to let herself marinate in jealousy too long. Next weekend, Cosima thinks, might be too late.
The next two days pass painfully as she contemplates her options. Making a move versus staying silent. She cannot stand it any longer, Cosima decides. And she's not one to chicken out. She knows Delphine doesn't work late on Fridays, few clients would want to book then anyways. So, the timing is easy enough to figure out. Before her date with Tom - just in case Delphine does decide she wants to fuck him.
She shaves her legs and armpits in the shower, opting last minute to leave any pubic grooming to the minimum. Removing everything, especially if Delphine doesn't, isn't something she wants to do. She wants to look good for her. Cosima thinks as she lotions her legs. She examines herself in the mirror before starting on her make-up. She keeps it simple, she lines her eyes as usual. Applies a muted lipstick. She looks herself over in the mirror, she doesn't look sick, and that is a huge advantage. If Delphine were anyone else, she'd never have to know about the endo until later. And maybe she could get Delphine to forget just enough.
Cosima dresses, matching lace underwear. Pulls her dreads back into a bun and tosses on a black slip. She wants to be feminine, decidedly feminine. Even if that's not the best technique to work on Delphine. She throws on a skirt and a sleeveless blouse. And examines the effect in the mirror. Good enough, Cosima thinks. She shoves a sundress, a toothbrush, and a clean pair of underwear inside her larger purse, just in case.
She moves quickly. She takes a bus part of the way to Delphine's and then walks the rest of the way to Delphine's building. She catches the door as one of Delphine's neighbours wrangles a grumpy toddler into the building. The dad and child are far too irritated with each other to pay much attention to Cosima. She slips in behind them, unnoticed.
Cosima quickly takes the elevator to the third floor and knocks on Delphine's apartment. The large white door looking more intimidating than usual. It only takes a couple minutes for the door to swing open for her.
"Cosima… what are you doing here?" Delphine cannot contain her surprise but she opens her door. Delphine stands in front of her in pinstripe pyjamas of all things. "How did you get into the building?"
"I just… I need to be with you." Cosima throws out pleadingly. She needs to get a grip. This isn't the tact she planned. She cannot start begging Delphine, that won't get them anywhere good. And it isn't sexy.
"We see each other all the time." Delphine responds evenly. "Wait… did we plan something? You're all dressed up? Did I forget something? I am so sorry."
"No… I just want to be with you." Cosima tries again. "I need to be with you , Delphine." She tries to make her voice low, pleading… sensual.
"What… what do you mean, Cosima?" Delphine shakes her head, but her eyes look at her intently.
"Delphine, we're already essentially dating. You realize this, right?" Cosima tries to slow herself down a little.
Delphine looks back at her eyes wide. "What?"
Cosima gestures her arms and hands into something resembling a shrug. "All the texting and talking, we see each other at least twice a week. We're always planning something together. And… that moment… the one where you almost kissed me."
Delphine shakes her head, mouth opening and closing wordlessly. "I… I… I didn't. It was just…"
"You leaned nearly all the way in and stroked my face and my lips." Cosima reminds her. She approaches slowly, cautiously. "You put your arms around me. I think… It should have gone something like this." Cosima mimics the motion, leaning in and Delphine doesn't move back. She gently presses their lips together, once and then again. Delphine's lip part under her own, softly kissing back.
"Oh." A tiny noise emerges from Delphine's mouth. Cosima pulls back to look at her face. Delphine is surprised, but doesn't seem bothered. Instead she flushes, looking back at her.
"Is that what you wanted?" Cosima asks, keeping her voice soft. "Is that what you wanted to do then? Do you want it now?"
Delphine looks surprised for a moment or two. Her fingers draw up to her mouth before she speaks again. "Cosima… I… I care about you deeply. And… it is complicated now. We've… complicated things a lot."
"Let it get complicated. Do you like me?"
"Of course I like you." Delphine is firm about it. "You… you are lovely! I love your humour. Your intellect… You are a good friend to me."
"Just a friend?" Cosima prompts.
"I have… I have never done this before." Delphine waves a hand between them. "I don't know what to do… I don't even know if I'll… if it will… I know I like you, Cosima. Is that enough?"
"Kiss me… Kiss me again." Cosima begs against her mouth. "Let me… let me show you what this can be like."
Delphine looks at her for a moment, eyes flickering down to her lips and back up. She leans in and kisses her back, and Cosima pulls her in. Delphine's tongue darts out a few moments into the kiss, and she opens her lips, letting Delphine explore, letting her deepen the kiss. When Delphine's tongue strokes softly against her own she moans into Delphine's mouth. She feels the française shudder in response.
"Like that… yeah." Cosima smirks a little.
"I never… kissed a woman before." Delphine admits softly. "It's different… you taste… sweeter."
Cosima laughs a little under her breath. "You can have me." Cosima invites, she unbuttons her blouse halfway. The bra under, carefully chosen, is black and made of fine lace. It will be soft to the touch. For Delphine. All for Delphine.
"What?" Delphine's eyes drop to lace and soft breasts, displayed for her enjoyment.
Cosima drops her voice low. "Try it. Have me. Please don't have him. Have me instead."
"You know… I've never, not with a woman." Delphine looks intimidated for a moment. But it isn't a no, Cosima thinks.
"I know… I know… you're not gay . But… we have a connection, Delphine. Sexuality isn't a black and white thing for most people. It's allowed to be grey, it's allowed to shift. Be fluid." Cosima reaches out to stroke her face. "We can have this."
"We do." Delphine agrees. "I enjoy your company very much Cosima… And you are beautiful. I noticed. I have.. I have thought about this."
"So… why not? Give it a try. Try it with me."
"I have only had three lovers, Cosima. The first, I was a teenager and … he hurt me. The second I dated for a few months and the third was Simon. I haven't had sex with Tom yet. I… I don't know if I will."
"I can please you." Cosima states simply, unable to deny she's pleased by that news. "If you let me… I can give you what you want."
"What do I want?" Delphine looks back at her, seemingly almost hopeful. Cosima looks down at Delphine's pyjamas… and thinks her answer is good enough. It is honest at any rate.
"You want… you want to make love." Cosima theorizes. "You want a real connection. Real love. I can give you that, Delphine. I love you. I love you already."
Delphine is slow to respond, she looks at her, her face unreadable for the moment. "You love me?"
"I've fallen in love with you." Cosima tries to not tear up and fails miserably. "I want to be with you… I can give you what you need. I can please you."
Delphine looks down for a moment. "I care for you so much. I… I crave your company. But sex… sex is…"
"Sex is what?" She suspects reluctance is due to her body, and she hopes that Delphine might be open to trying. But knows it could go either way.
"Maybe I want to make love." Delphine tells her and Cosima finds herself rushing at her in her excitement. She kisses her, strokes her face. She wants this to mean something.
Delphine kisses her back, her arms fumble before settling against her hips and Cosima smiles into their kiss. She wants, and she guides Delphine backwards to the soft grey couch. Delphine sits and she clambers to straddle her lap. She puts her glasses behind her on the coffee table, and is pleased she chose to forgo wearing rings tonight. She rubs her whole body down against Delphine during the next kiss, trying to tempt, trying to tease.
"Oh…"
"Nice and slow, baby." Cosima whispers, she kisses Delphine's ears, her neck, her collar bones - but always drifting back to Delphine's mouth. When she whimpers, Delphine moans and grips her harder.
"Cosima…" Delphine murmurs her name and holds her closely. Kissing, it seems, was easy enough.
"How do I feel?" Cosima asks, her voice low and tempting.
"So good." Delphine looks back up at her. The attraction is mutual, Cosima thinks. Even if Delphine doesn't love her yet. It's enough. Enough for now.
"I can't get enough of you." Cosima murmurs. "You smell so good." Thin cotton bunches under her hands as she lets them roam, just tentatively on Delphine's body.
Delphine laughs into her next breath and brings their mouths back together. She's kissing Delphine senseless, who grabs back at her eagerly. And she smiles. She unbuttons Delphine's pyjama top, and watches Delphine squirm against the couch as she touches her lips to every exposed inch of skin.
Delphine tosses the pyjama shirt off and sits there reclined, her breasts exposed. Cosima cannot help leaning in, to caress, to kiss. She sucks at one perfect nipple and then the other. She tries to get an idea of exactly what Delphine wants by watching her face, her movements. But Delphine just stares at her with dark hazel eyes.
"J'ai envie de toi." Delphine tells her simply, arms around her. "I want you."
Cosima makes a small sound in her throat, and drops off the couch, wiggling out of Delphine's arms.
She wrestles off Delphine's pants and throws them aside, there's no need for them now. There's nothing underneath. Cosima grins at the sight of Delphine's sex, surrounded by light brown curls. Perfect, Cosima thinks, leaning in to kiss a thigh for a moment before Delphine is tugging her back up. The scent overwhelms her for a moment and she knows instantly what she wants to do.
"Oh… It's so… I feel so…" Delphine moans a little and kisses her again and Cosima knows she's ready now. She kisses Delphine once more, a scorching kiss that she feels down to her toes.
"Here...let me. Just lean back. Be comfortable." Cosima invites, dropping to her knees on the floor. "Do you want me like this? Do you want me on my knees?'
Delphine's eyes widen rapidly. "Cosima...You do not have to."
She kisses at a soft pale thigh, approaching Delphine's sex, already drunk on the smell of her.
"I want to." Cosima tastes and moans, she flicks her tongue playfully before moving to stiffen it and slide it inside Delphine. I love you. I love you, Cosima thinks. She plays with her softly, tenderly. This has to be perfect.
"Your… your tongue." Delphine gasps as Cosima tongue-thrusts happily. She cannot sustain this, but she'll do it as long as she can. Delphine's arousal coats her tongue, her mouth, her chin, her nose. And it's never going to be enough, Cosima thinks. She'll be a craven addict.
"Mmmmm?" Cosima hums her question.
"Your tongue is inside me." Delphine closes her eyes and breathes slowly. Her breath catches and she moans softly.
Delphine is sensitive, Cosima realizes. She will have to be very gentle. At least until Delphine adjusts… and maybe she'll need more stimulation before they're done. Cosima feels inner muscles beginning to twitch and clutch at her tongue, which makes her moan deeply. She cannot get enough. Delphine's taste, Delphine's pleasure. She wonders if Delphine likes what she sees. If seeing her on her knees pleases her.
Cosima continues and then switches to gentle sucking and flicking when her tongue has had enough. She cannot get enough and Delphine just lets her, watching her. A trembling hand clutches at her dreads, tentatively and she moans loudly into Delphine's sex in response.
"Oh…" Delphine whines in response on the couch, legs splayed and hips rolling and it's hot. So hot.
This is lovemaking, Cosima thinks. Exactly this. She enters her with her tongue again, probing as deeply as she can. She wonders if Delphine could come like this… If she'd start contracting greedily against her tongue but several moments pass and Cosima thinks she should go for a more solid bet.
She focuses her attention on Delphine's clitoris, feeling that Delphine cannot quite get there otherwise. She works the swollen bud in her mouth and Delphine begins to shake and whimper. Yes, Cosima thinks, yes yes yes.
Delphine climaxes, and Cosima finds this captivating too. The way her jaw hangs slack while the rest of her tightens and then releases. It's as sexy as she'd imagined. Worth it, Cosima thinks, licking softly for another moment or two.
"Oh Delphine." Cosima sighs afterwards. She leans down, resting her head on a soft thigh, breathing heavily. She is more aroused than she's been in years and for once, she thinks this might just all work.
"Ah!" Delphine is staring down at her for a moment. "Cosima… You…"
"Yes?" Cosima's response is teasing, her tongue resting between her teeth.
"You are… very good at that." Delphine looks down at her with an amused expression.
"I hope so." Cosima smiles back. She kisses soft skin. Enjoying this moment. "Do you… want more?"
"More?!" Delphine looks at her like she's lost her mind.
"Yeah… we can totally do that again like… right now." Cosima wanders her mouth back down, eager for a second taste. She wonders if it will be different, if Delphine will be super sensitive and shy or if she'll start bucking into her mouth.
"But…"
"Delphine - I like this." Cosima spells it out. "This does it for me. Like… incredibly."
Delphine shakes her head in concern. "But you're on your knees on the floor…"
"Delphine. I want to be on my knees for you." Cosima tries to clarify this. "You've got to have done this before."
"I mean, Simon did it… twice ever maybe? And not in a long time. And he… wasn't good at it. So I never really asked. It was not enjoyable." Delphine spells it out. "I would… go down on him though."
"So a few licks to get you wet and then he'd penetrate you?"
Delphine shakes her head. "Mostly… he'd stimulate me with his hands. But I could… I mean, I can orgasm during intercourse so…"
Cosima catches the drift easily. "He got lazy."
"Yes."
"I won't get lazy." Cosima promises, and slips back off the couch onto her knees. "I'll never get lazy, Delphine."
She presses her mouth back to Delphine hungrily, desperately. She is cautious of sensitivity, but she has so much want to satisfy. Cosima intends to convince Delphine that cunnilingus is a must-have, and she certainly feels like she's making progress.
"You're so good at this." Delphine groans again and Cosima finds herself increasingly aroused by Delphine's words. She keeps going, sucking and flicking her tongue trying to find a soft enough rhythm to sustain for a while.
"Cosima… Cosima…" Delphine whines, and it's breathy and desperate and perfect. And then she comes, and Cosima feels like her heart might burst. Delphine gushes into her mouth and she's content to lap it up. A good surprise, Cosima thinks. She wonders how easy it is to get Delphine to keep doing that.
"Ohh… ohhh… Cosima…" Delphine sighs, fingers just twitching on top of dreads. She sags back on the couch as if boneless.
"Tell me I'm a good girl." Cosima asks, barely audibly, as she kisses up Delphine's belly. The française is clearly spent, and Cosima wants nothing more than to cuddle up in her arms. This can be enough. Just this. She doesn't need more, no matter how her body feels.
"What?"
"Delphine… tell me I'm a good girl." Cosima repeats a little louder. She knows Delphine can, that Delphine will. She wants to hear it again. Hear it now, like this.
And then the spell is broken, just like that. Delphine begins to laugh.