Author's Note: The characters may be of she who most not be named, but the story is mine! A cool trans human.
Trigger Warning: Anxiety, depression, self-hatred, body horror, physical and mental pain, food and starvation.
oOo
Remus woke up in…a comfy surface, that was not right, if Remus could recall he had fallen asleep in the floor next to the bed. Sirius was the one sleeping on the bed, because Sirius was living with Remus and he was innocent, right?
With shaky fingers the werewolf stretched his hands and look for the cards, the beautiful little bundles of kind words that people had written to him, he took out the one with the name of Snuffles and read it, a warm feeling set in his stomach when he read the word 'Moony'.
It hadn't been a dream, Remus reminded himself, it couldn't had been a dream, if it was then he would not have been able to afford the mattress he currently laid on. It was frayed and smell of old lady and cats, but it was one of the first purchases he had made after Hogwarts.
Sirius was innocent, but where was him? had he left? Did he finally saw the mess his old friend had become and decided that he didn't want to do anything with the werewolf? Terrified of this idea Remus stood up almost immediately: an all-consuming pain set in every joint of his body, making him fell back to the bed.
Today was the full moon.
Maybe Sirius did not want to participate in any of the activities that consist in caring for a poor old werewolf, maybe he had left but will come back after two or three days. Remus could not blame him, however he knew that if he had catch him leaving he would have beg him to stay, that he would have done anything for his friend to stay.
Slowly Remus forced his muscles to contract and for his body to sit upright. His head hung low in order to fight the nausea but also to have a penetrating gaze on his feet forcing them to carry his body weight.
He stood up an aimed for the door, a hand was placed on the wall, tracing it like a little child does, but for Remus it was to maintain balance.
The werewolf went to the kitchen, it actually wasn't that far from his bedroom he lived in a small shack but in the morning before and after the full moon it felt like miles. He forced his head to look up and sit upright, his eyes capture the figure of a skinny young man with black hair.
Sirius had not left.
The relief of this realization almost makes Remus' legs buckled down but his will and his stubbornness to not show weakness to his old but new friend kept them steady.
'Hullo Moony, you pratt. You know if you like sleeping on the floor you could have just tell me instead of making me feel guilty about it.'
'Sorry'
'Don't worry, I sleep on the sofa, it was comfy and didn't smell of old lady at all, maybe I would change it for the bed. Anyways, breakfast?'
'No hungry'
'Well more for me I guess, tea?'
'Please'
Remus wanted to tell Sirius to leave the rest of the breakfast for his lunch, the werewolf did not have much money, as it was, he had to cut to one meagre meal per two days in order to be able to feed his friend three dishes per day. Not that Remus complained, he would starve to death if that meant that Sirius would stay.
However, it was getting harder and harder to be able to provide for his friend.
Sirius set the tea on the wary, three legged and one conjured by magic, table. Remus sit down in the least comfortable chair out of the two he had and relish the smell of a recently made cup.
He drank the liquid giddily, while Sirius ate his breakfast. His friend didn't know that he was fasting, Remus did not want him to worry, that is if Sirius did care. He always made a point to eat what little he allowed himself in front of the animagus, too afraid to test his theory.
The sky bleed out, and the moon called for Remus, like an obedient dog he stood up from the sofa that lay on the living room and close his book. Before going to the cellar that sat outside the little shack, he went to see how his friend was.
Sirius was sleeping, in his dog form, nowadays that was the only shape he had when he gave himself to the realm of dreams. It kept him sane, he had said to Remus, a dog mind can only focus in one thing at a time.
Remus put a blanket on his canine friend, who was sleeping on the fraying rug left next to the only bed in the house. With slow movements the werewolf took off his garments living them neatly arrange in the coat rack, naked he step outside the shack and went to the small but strong trap door with a confidence he could only achieve by knowing that there was not another settlement of human beings in sight for at least another ten miles.
He went down to the pitch-black room and let the lycanthropic rage consume him.
When Sirius woke up at dawn, he put his paws forwards and stretched his hip, his snout catching the scent of his friend, assuming that Remus was in the house he left for his morning walk. Little did he knew that the smell that his snout catch was the one of his friend's clothes and not the man.
Blood, pain, nausea and a little bewilderment, the usual for a full moon. Remus took note of his maladies by moving slowly different fractions of his body, and tracing with his hand the shape of it.
He had not broken any bones, which was a blessing, but he was bleeding. A big claw had part his eyebrow in two and sharp teeth had torn apart the skin on his left calf. Breathing in and out, closing his eyes he was able to gather enough strength in order to look for his wand. Keep safely in a silver box and buried to a particularly tricky part of the room he dogged it out, crawling of course to the place.
He pointed to his calf and with the steadiness he could muster said 'Ferula'. Bandages appear to be wrapped around the injurie.
The walk back to his shack was scrupulous but he was already used to it, he stumbled through the kitchen door, his shoulder looking for the support of the wall and he drag himself to the bedroom with the hard-earned mattress.
He dressed, his gown giving soft touches to his ankles, then lay down on the bed.
It was only when the realm of dreams started reclaiming him, that he realized that Sirius now slept on the bed.
Sirius went back from his morning walk with the body of a man only to return to a bleeding Remus. Yesterday have been the full moon! and he: the useless piece of shit he was had not realize, and of course Moony being the self-sacrificing prick he was had not feel the need to share this information, but that was enough chastising, MOONY WAS BLEEDING.
Well actually it was only the eyebrow that was bleeding, however Sirius had not seen his friend bleed since...well since the second half of fifth year. What did one do when someone was bleeding? Right, put pressure and bandages and what else.
Shit! He did not know where Remus put the bandages, and he did not know what pieces of cloth were important and which weren't. Ahh, well physical health was before financial health, and he could buy Moony whatever he tarnished on the process. There was a towel on the kitchen sink!
Sprinting Sirius went back and forth and put what he thought was enough pressure in the injury, when the bleeding stop, he look for another clean rag to clean what he could of the wound then he make a makeshift bandage with it.
He checked for any other hurts his friend may have been facing, but thankfully find no more than a bandaged calf. Was this what Moony had to face all these years? And why was he so thin, he was eating right, the animagus could swear that he had seen his friend eating.
Self-loathing took Sirius by the force of a tsunami; a single but piercing thought was echoing all thought the house.
YOUR FAULT YOUR FAULT YOUR FAULT YOUR FAULT YOUR FAULT YOUR FAULT YOUR FAULT YOUR FAULT YOUR FAULT YOUR FAULT YOUR FAULT YOURS YOURS YOURS YOUR FAULT
He selfishly wanted to wake up Remus and for him to be able to shut up that voice like he had done the day before. He wanted Remus to soothe him, like he did in the middle of the night because even though he slept on his dog form sometimes, he still got nightmares, and voices, and cold fingers and manic laughs that he could not decipher if they were his or of the other Azkaban inmates.
But he would not, because today Remus needed him, today it was his turn to look after, and so that was what he was going to do, be useful for one fucking time in his life.
What did Remus always ask for after a moon? He will himself into remembering... Water! and Chocolate! or sugar in general, he also like honey for his abused throat but this house didn't have that. Tea he liked tea, the smell of it always soothed his nerves.
Sirius remember one time, when they were still boyfriends that he had begged Euphemia for a tea-scented shampoo so that Remus could smell it every time they cuddle.
Yes, he would make tea, and look for chocolate, maybe steal a candy from the townspeople, thought they would not give a dog chocolate.
With fierce determination Sirius set the worn-out kettle, investigated the tin of Earl gray tea, and searched for Remus favorite cup, which was still the same from when he was twenty.
He took the water from the sink, so far away from civilization the house did not have running water, but there was a small river a few meters nearby though this river was currently taken by a fugitive hippogriff. He made the tea by magic, he did not know how to do it like the muggle way even though Remus and Evans (not going into that path, come on you can Sirius) had try.
He was as hopeless with muggle cooking as his werewolf friend was with potions.
When the tea was finished, he set a temperature preservative charm and start looking for sweets like a child on Halloween (again keep focus, for Remus, come on for Remus).
There were no candies in the kitchen, he went to the living room, he searched in the shelf that display all the books his friend currently had, he looked in the folds of the couch and in the black hole that was the space between the floor and this fitment.
There was nothing but discomfort, really do not put your hand in there.
He also looked behind the oil painting of Hogwarts he had made at seventeen and given to Remus. Did he had always hung the painting? Even when he was in Azkaban? He did not dare to know the answer, he simply did not know how he would react to it.
Well in the living room there wasn't, that only left the shower, which was outside the house, next to it, actually they even shared a wall but it would still be consider the outside and Remus was very protective of his sweetly goods so he would not leave it outside. So, the bedroom.
It was a known fact that his werewolf friend was a deep sleeper, actually so deep that he had just arrived in the nick of time to his first class, or that was what he told Sirius. So, making a maraudish disaster would not wake him up.
Sirius try the best on doing a maraudish disaster, creating a great mess with the little belongings his friend had, which meant that he had looked in Remus cloak's pockets and then not put it back on the coat rack. Sirius was almost ready to turn into a dog and literally steal candy from a baby when he lay eyes on the bedside table that, as anything on this house, was second quality.
There were two photos on top of it, one of Remus as a toddler with his parents, the werewolf loved his parents Sirius never understood it but respected it. The other one had been recently put down by the chocolate detective in question, it was a group photo of himself, Remus, James and Lily, Dorcas and Marlen, Mary. And the ugly little rat, granted the rat was only shown for one second because trying to get that quantity of teenagers to kept still had been a task even a person as stern as Dorcas Meadows could not accomplished. They all had gotten the photo as a birthday present from the stern sorcerer.
Where was his? Sirius could not remember.
In the bedside table there was also a drawer, our candy detective opened it with the hopes to find the sweet item. What he actually found was something that give him another little peak onto the man his friend had become.
There where twelve letters in total (coincidence? have your pick) five of them were from Remus students: A Dean Thomas, a Luna Lovegood, a Neville Longbottom, an Antony Goldstein, and a Ginny Weasley. Two of them were from Harry, another one was of Poppy Pomphrey and McGonagall, another one was from a man Sirius did not know it seem the oldest also, and the last two were from himself.
They were neatly folded an arranged in alphabetical order. Sirius felt a wave of jealousy, Remus had all this people and he only had the werewolf in question and Harry. The animagus then felt a pang of haughtiness, Harry had written more letters to him than Remus and he had also seen the boy at Hogsmeade: the former professor not, after that he felt guilty Remus had the right. God even if you did not have to earn this: he had, he had earned the right to have people that care about him if anything he needed them. That was the logical part of his brain however his heart was still poison by envy.
But he was not going to be useless, he would not let this very contradicting feelings get in the way of his all-mighty quest. Find chocolate! or candy.
Sirius looked further in the drawer, his hand exploring every inch of the box, it came across a wrapper, the hand slowly took it outside the light. It was a chocolate bar from Honeydukes, it had been open and break into small pieces, very small pieces of one inch each, it had (by all means) made to last.
Sirius was having none of that, he would see that Remus ate all the rest of the chocolate bar this moon, and then he would make sure that Moony had a chocolate bar waiting for him the next ones to come.
As dumb as it was Sirius had found now his vocation: chocolate giver.
When Remus woke up, he was thirsty, shortly after a glass of water find its way to his lips. He was not bleeding he noticed, but he still wanted a tiny piece of chocolate, he opened the drawer and search for the Honeydukes bar, his last purchase in Hogsmeade before his retirement.
He found nothing, had he eaten it all and not notice? Had he been that foolish? Chocolate was hard to acquire as it was, and now with having his lycanthropy published by the prophet wizarding chocolate was more like a fever dream.
'Moony relax, eat, it will make you feel better.'
A hand was offering a chocolate bar, his chocolate bar, with two fingers he took a little piece and bring it to his mouth.
'More you self-sacrificing pratt.'
Remus looked up to find the face of Padfoot boring the smile he always had when he had an idea for a prank, the werewolf liked how that sound.
'I command you to eat another piece my friend.'
The friend obliged reluctantly and afraid, he did not want to spend more chocolate, but he also did not want to face the marauder that was Mr. Padfoot.
'Eat all you want 'cause shortly Mr. Moony you will have all the chocolate your wolfish heart ever wanted. But make space for a least at sip of tea.'
'What do you mean?'
'I make tea! With magic of course, here.'
Remus clumsy wrapped his fingers around the cup and relished the scent of earl gray tea.
'I mean chocolate.'
'Mr. Moony in this last month I have had the privilege to be a guest in your house, and I had seen that you make a pretty decent roommate. Mr. padfoot would like to invite Mr. Moony to live in his house which now will become the order headquarters, Mr. Padfoot however must warn you that the house is the gloomiest place in Britain but hopes that Mr. Moony would make it a little brighter.
So Moony would you like to live with me?'
'Yes please, I would like that'.