In retrospect, it had been rather foolish of Jasnah to agree to this idea.
"Was it entirely necessary to insult his mother?" she asked, leading Veil through the halls of Urithiru towards her apartment. Or...was it Shallan's apartment? A question for another day.
One when Jasnah's head wasn't pounding so much.
The dark haired, darkeyed spymaster was wobbly on her feet, having drank enough Horneater white to kill a chasmfiend. "He insulted you first, Jas."
The nickname was one that Shallan would never have used, but...well, if Jasnah had doubted that Veil and Shallan were different people, then those doubts had evaporated after this little excursion.
It was simple: Jasnah mentioned, in private, that she wondered what evenings spent in a bar were like for Shallan, Adolin, and Kaladin Stormblessed. It wasn't as if she'd ever be able to know. Even before becoming Queen of Alethkar, the persona she'd worked tirelessly to build for herself had made such a place of relaxation out of the question.
Which was when Veil surprised her by taking over and proposing an idea: Lightweaving Jasnah and taking her out for a night of social experimentation.
It had been too novel an idea to turn down.
As should have been obvious ahead of time, a night out at the bar was not something Jasnah had any interest in trying again. Too loud, full of idiots, and drinking was not a pleasurable experience.
Still, it was interesting to see more of Veil, who tended to avoid Jasnah more often than not. She didn't entirely understand what was going on with her ex-ward, but their dynamic seemed to be working, and...it did make Jasnah happy to see Veil being relaxed. It was becoming rare to see Shallan like that.
"Veil, you are no longer my ward. There is no need to cause violence on my behalf, especially when I am fully capable of protecting myself." There was little chiding in Jasnah's tone, despite her words.
Still, Veil sounded like she was sulking when she replied, "Yeah, but...I love you..."
Blinking, Jasnah found a warm smile making an appearance on her face. "That...is good to hear. I care for you as well."
"No!" The sudden shout surprised Jasnah, as did the sudden jerk as Veil pulled out of Jasnah's grasp, turning to look at her with tears in her eyes. "How can you not get it? Shallan and I...we love you."
Jasnah froze, looking at the Lightweaver as her hair changed colors, lightening into the bright red Jasnah was more familiar with. Shallan took over and steadied herself a deep breath, sucking in the Stormlight from nearby lanterns. She's clearing her head, healing the intoxicating effects of the alcohol, Jasnah noted absently, her thoughts strangely sluggish.
Without a word, Shallan turned and ran down the hall.
Still feeling off-footed, Jasnah didn't move, and just watched her go.
It took three days of considering the issue, researching relevant subjects, and deliberating just how to proceed before Jasnah decided to talk to Shallan about what Veil had said.
This was not the first time a lighteyed lady had expressed such affection for Jasnah. In fact, Jasnah could still remember the first time one of them confessed. The first time she was informed that she gave many the impression that she "preferred the fairer sex". The first time she'd had to explain that sex of any kind didn't have much appeal to her.
Never before had such an event required this much study, but...well, it was different. Not only was Jasnah now the queen, but none of those other women were as close to her as Shallan was.
Nearly a week went by before a discussion with Shallan actually took place.
Any time Jasnah attempted to start the conversation, the girl would find some excuse to leave, or worse, just dart off without a word.
It gave the queen a strange feeling, like her digestive system was wrestling with itself. There were not many people that Jasnah felt comfortable being anything resembling open with. Losing one of them...losing Shallan was not acceptable.
The secret to pinning her down was Adolin. After informing him of the situation (which he seemed to already be well aware of already), he agreed to apply pressure. Enough to make Shallan seek out Jasnah herself.
"Let's get this over with." Shallan stood at Jasnah's apartment entrance, eyes on the floor, voice full of...defeat. She shuffled in, and Jasnah closed the door behind her.
"Before we get any further, I would like to ask a clarifying question." That opening move, so reminiscent of their days together in Kharbranth, put a ghost of a smile on Shallan's lips, and that felt like progress. "When Veil told me that you were both in love with me, was that meant in a romantic or platonic sense?"
Shallan actually looked directly at Jasnah, absolute bewilderment in her expression, before her hair and eyes darkened, and Veil stepped up to take over.
"Are you serious? What is it going to take for you to understand this? You're supposed to be smart! Do I need to tell you about the sexual fantasies I've had about you? Show you the sketches Shallan drew of you and her in wedding gowns? Ash's eyes, Jasnah, did you never notice how we look at you? The only one of us who isn't constantly staring at your tits is Radiant, and that's because she's as asexual as you are!"
Now it was Jasnah's turn to look at the floor. It was best to be honest. "I had no inkling of this. As you are well aware, interpersonal communication is an area where I struggle to even reach adequacy. It would be wonderful if I was able to see things such as this more quickly than I do, if at all. If it came naturally to me at all."
With no ambiguity left to obfuscate things, Jasnah was left to still come to terms with this information. Shallan...loved her?
"That was rude of Veil to say. I'm sorry Jasnah, it's...difficult to face this head-on." Looking up, and seeing her red hair had returned, Jasnah gave a small nod. "But yes, I love you. Romantically. Veil...well, it's mostly sexual for her, I think, but there's more attachment there than she'd want me to admit. Storms, I don't know if I can pick out exactly when my feelings for you first developed."
Something came to Jasnah, eliciting a rare blush from the monarch. "As a ward, you helped me with my bathing. Did that...had you already...?"
Cheeks as red as her hair, Shallan gave a jerk of a nod. "I would prefer if we didn't talk about that, if it's all the same to you."
While Jasnah still found sexual desire a confusing concept, considering she didn't experience it herself, she could still have some idea of how it would be, to interact with someone she longed for while that person was unclothed.
Remembering what this meeting had been meant to accomplish, Jasnah cleared her throat and did her best to look comforting, though firm. "I cannot return your feelings, nor pursue a relationship with you, at this time. My position as Queen is politically precarious, and a same sex relationship with a woman who is already married, to my cousin no less, could make my rule untenable, even during a Desolation."
Adolin wouldn't mind, of course. They were a polyamorous couple, and Stormblessed may as well have been a third partner in their marriage. But just because the open-hearted boy wouldn't mind Shallan dating Jasnah wouldn't suddenly make Alethi nobility comfortable with alternate relationships.
To Jasnah's surprise, the forthright and blunt words didn't seem to knock Shallan into tears. No...instead they galvanized something. Shallan's expression hardened. "Jasnah. I understand your reasoning." She took a deep breath, then continued. "At the same time, it's absolute cremling shit. If you were interested in exploring a relationship with me, if you wanted to give it a try, you'd do it anyway, highprinces be damned."
"There's more to it than that. You were my ward. This would make any relationship between us ethically compromised, as much as that between a superior officer and their subordinate."
"Jasnah." It was rare to hear such...fire, in Shallan's voice. "Don't hide behind logic right now. Am I someone you would ever be interested in courting, or not?"
"..." That was the real question, wasn't it? Jasnah has spent so much time investigating exactly how a possible relationship would be seen, looking into what pros and cons such an arrangement would have, while avoiding answering that very question.
Perhaps, she realized, this wasn't something that could be thought out in that way. Clearing away all the other factors, Jasnah considered how she felt. Something she rarely did.
She gave her answer.
"I'm not interested in pursuing a relationship with you...with either of you."
Shallan nodded her head...and then crumpled.
After debating calling in Adolin, Jasnah forced herself to help Shallan through the heartbreak she'd just caused. Things like hugging and comforting words didn't come naturally to her, but for Shallan, she would do her best.
Jasnah would not lose what they had together. She might not have been in love with Shallan, but she did love her.