Hurt Locker

Chapter Five- The Brady Bunch

Mac and Bozer were at the grocery store, Bozer was mansplaining the subtle details of marbling on steak. Mac was listening to the tirade he already knew but he couldn't help but look down at his phone every few seconds.

"Stop that, she's fine." Bozer said pointedly, "and we're five minutes away."

Mac nodded with a wary smile. He was going to have a hard time going back to work and leaving Riley. He was only five minutes away and he had the all-consuming urge to run home just to be near her.

He followed Bozer to the chip aisle where he spent an extra ten minutes debating what chips to get. Somewhere between El Paso and Tostitos a truck load of anxiety rammed into Mac. He couldn't hear his friend speaking anymore, the grocery lights began to feel blinding. And it was getting hard to breathe. He pulled at his crewneck t-shirt and Bozer realized what was happening. All he could think was Mason going after Riley alone at home.

In a daze of movement and distorted voices, Bozer led him outside the sliding glass doors of the grocery store. Hunched over gripping his knees, Mac took deep breaths until the wave of panic passed.

Five minutes later Bozer sat down next to Mac on the sidewalk with the bags of groceries.

"Panic attack?" Bozer said.

Mac nodded slowly. "Seems like it, yeah."

A moment passed before Bozer said, "Because of Riley?"

"Yeah, most likely that's it."

Bozer gave Mac room to mull over his thoughts and didn't press him to talk which gave Mac the breathing room to sort his thoughts into words.

"She barely comes out of her room…She avoids me like I'm a plague. I don't know what to do. She won't talk to me, she won't eat."

"Why didn't you say anything?" Bozer said.

"Embarrassed I guess, I'm supposed to be takin care of her…maybe she just realized how badly I messed up. Maybe she remembered how she fell. I deserve it. I don't deserve forgiveness."

"You're being crazy." Bozer said sternly. "This is Riley we're talking about,"

Mac shook his head, "she was fine for a while. Even after Aubrey's visit." He thought about the new information he'd gotten from Aubrey and shook it away. That wasn't important. Not right now.

"Then things changed. I just wish I could see into her head so I'd know how to help her."

"I know she doesn't remember us but she's still Riley. I don't doubt something's going on, but not that. Come on," Bozer said. "Let's get to the bottom of this." Bozer got up from the side walk with the groceries. "Let's go."

Mac was hesitant, despite Bozer's words…he knew differently. He felt differently.

Curled into a fetal position on her bed, Riley was comforted by the silence. The stillness that made her feel like she could breathe a little. Only a little though. Memories paralyzed her. Sucked the life out of her. She didn't know why she wanted to remember so badly. If she knew what they would feel like she would take ignorant bliss any day.

She was having a tough times. It was like only traumatic memories wanted to come back.

She had thought they were nightmares at first, but then again you had to sleep to have nightmares. Every time she closed her eyes and began to succumb to sleep it came. It came in flashes. The dark room. The struggle. The high steaks adrenaline. The fear. The terror. The piercing sound of the shot. She had killed a man. She was a killer.

Is that what they really did at the Phoenix?

The memory made her spiral again into darkness. Was this who she was now? Maybe she didn't want to become that girl again.

She was afraid to sleep. Scared she would feel the lifeless body on her, or the warm blood trickling down. It made her skin crawl just thinking about it.

She couldn't eat. Nausea was always lingering in the pit of her stomach.

She knew she looked like a ghost of her self. Sunken, red eyes, surrounded by dark spots. She wanted to get better but she didn't know how. What was the remedy for memories?

She groaned into her pillow when she heard an interference in the silence. A minute later there was a rapping on her bedroom door. She considered not answering but the knocks became increasingly annoying and persistent.

Mac had left her be, why had he had a change of heart?

She swung the door open with a brave face, ready to feign her way out of a talk. But it was Bozer. And she couldn't hold up the pretense with him. Or more she sensed she didn't have to. He opened his arms and she felt her self-gravitating to his arms before she had the chance to ask herself if this was something she usually did.

"You're okay," he said while rubbing her back. And she wanted to believe him. "It's good to see you." he said.

Was it? She looked like the grim reaper. She pulled the big flannel shirt from her arm to shoulder to hide the weight loss. "You too. Really." she said truthfully. "I'd invite you in but my room is a mess."

"You can keep me company while I put on these steaks." He held up the brown bags. Riley looked back at her bed trying to find an excuse to crawl back into the covers.

"Mac went to pick up some food. It's just us." Bozer said, like he knew exactly why she was reluctant.

"Just for a little bit," she said, following him out to the grill.

"I take my meats very seriously." Bozer said prepping the grill.

"I see that," she smiled. It was nice to be outside for a bit. "Once I don't have to listen to the Christmas Pastrami story again." she said.

Bozer froze, "you remembered?"

She guessed she did? "It's weird, I'm beginning to know things I shouldn't or didn't before…I don't really know. My head is a mess to be honest Bozer. I don't know…"

Bozer's eyes were sympathetic. Just like Mac's. But they couldn't understand what she was going through exactly. It was extremely isolating.

"Maybe talking about it will help. Me and Mac…we're always here." Bozer offered. She tried not to flinch. Being around Mac made everything more confusing. He jumbled her thoughts and scrambled her insides when he looked at her.

"It's tough. Very tiring. Experiencing strong emotions all over again…" she said, and that was the most he was going to get out of her. But what made it worst, not knowing the context of the memories sometimes. Like she remembers herself being held by Mac but…why?

Why did she kill that guy? She could ask but wouldn't they just spoon feed her something to not upset her?

"You don't have to do it alone." Bozer said.

"Don't I? I appreciate the support Bozer but you can't experience the emotions for me. It's confusing like starting a movie from the end."

"What can I do?"

"Give me my space." She got up to leave. There was a commotion in the hallway where she found Mac, and Desi, and Matty and Russ. The opposite of what she needed right now.

"We have guests. They wanted to see how you were doing." Mac said in a controlled tone. She wasn't being ambushed on purpose, Mac clearly wasn't expecting them either. Riley was overwhelmed, everyone was suddenly there. Fucking perfect. The whole merry band of killers.

Dinner was tense to say the least. Riley felt like a teenager being forced to participate at dinner when extended family visited. She hated everything about it. Not to mention she was sitting opposite from Desi who wouldn't stop glancing at Mac throughout the meal. She didn't need her memories to know they had something going on. It was pretty obvious.

She toyed with the steak on her plate. She had watched Bozer slather the meat with seasonings but it tasted like rubber in her mouth. She couldn't bare to eat. With nothing else to do, she shrunk into herself. Only thing that could be heard were forks scraping against plates.

Was this the work family everyone was telling her about? Was it too late to want out?

Everyone had mostly finished and she was left with a plate full of food and a sour disposition. Russ was the first leave. Matty had taken Mac outside to talk. Judging from his tense shoulders and tightly clenched jaw, he wasn't liking what she had to say. Bozer cleared the table and began doing the dishes. She wanted to go and help so she wouldn't be left at the table with Desi.

"So, how are you doing?" Desi said.

If another person asked her that she was going to find the nearest cliff and jump off. Desi seemed harmless enough but Riley didn't feel the same familiarity around her.

"Mostly better." Riley said, still looking down at her plate full of food.

"And your memories?" Desi said.

Riley shrugged, "there're coming back in pieces." She looked up and saw the relief on Desi's face. Was she being to rude to someone who cared about her?

"That's good," Desi said. She looked deep in thought. Riley could tell she wanted to say more but couldn't work up the nerve to say it.

"If you have time during the week…maybe we can get coffee or something. It'll be good to get out of the house."

"Is that safe for me?" Riley said.

Desi forced a smile, "Nothing will happen to you on my watch." she said

It came to Riley like a headache. Flashes of Desi kicking ass. Like really kicking. She alternated between rubbing her temples and pinching the bridge of her nose until the flashes passed. She was some kind of one woman army. And all Riley had was her laptop. She thought of Mac, she could definitely see the appeal of Desi. Gorgeous and badass, how was that fair?

Desi looked back at Matty and Mac finishing their talk and dragged her chair back to leave.

"We'll talk then," Desi said, suddenly in a hurry to leave. "My number should be in your phone. Call me when you're ready to get out." She rushed out just as Mac came back to the table. He looked angry. She wondered what Matty had told him. Matty had to take a call and said her goodbyes to Riley before taking her leave.

Mac looked down at her full plate of food with a strained expression.

"No appetite right now." she said, trying to sound casual and nonchalant. He nodded solemnly. It was the excuse she had been giving him for the past week.

He was already upset and she was making it worst. She tried another piece of steak but her throat closed up. She couldn't. She coughed until it was out of her throat.

"Stop,'' Mac said softly, "Don't force yourself." He sounded so broken, he almost broke her. She dropped her fork and slowly looked up at him, scared of what she might see.

"I'm sorry." she whispered.

"What are you sorry for?" he said. His tone gentle and sincere.

She shook her head, "I don't know...Everything." She watched him lift his hand to touch her arm but he changed his mind mid air and fisted them at his side instead.

Mac left her at the table to help Bozer with the dishes. They were chatting about something in low voices. Probably what Matty had told him that he was so pissed at. She was curious what had upset him as well but she couldn't deal right now. She couldn't cope with her own emotions much less someone else's.

The full plate of food taunted her on the table. She didn't know where the rage came from, maybe a cumulation of the last few days. With strength she didn't know she could muster, she smashed her fist onto the plate and it split down the middle. It made an awful noise and she knew she startled the guys.

"Riley?" She heard their voices behind her. What was she doing? She couldn't stop herself. She pushed away from the table but the guys were standing behind her with worried expressions, waiting for an explanation but she really didn't have one. When she looked up at them she realized they were looking down at her hand. She followed their eyes to her own hand. Blood dripped down the sides of her. hand dropped to the floor. There was a long gash on along her palm extending to her pinky finger. She must have cut it when she broke the plate. The scary part. She hadn't even felt it.

A/N: Long live angst! 7/7