I do not own Star Wars in any capacity.
Enjoy chapter 19!
Nara and Kanan had no idea what they were doing.
Their motivation to bring Ezra and the Little One to Denova was twofold: they needed a safe place to hide after Nar Shaddaa, but more importantly, they assumed that this planet would help Ezra and the Little One heal in the same way it had enabled them to heal all those years ago.
However, it quickly became clear that their recovery was much different than the kind that Ezra and his daiima needed. For Nara and Kanan, it had been about survival. Not only did they have to survive in the wilderness with virtually zero supplies, but they had to stave off infection, some how treat the fresh wound that had scorched her jemma's face and ruined his eye. It had been weeks of agony. And even after it had healed, it took quite some time for Kanan to adjust to the sudden lack of depth perception. All the while, Nara had to get used to her new form. Neither of them had anticipated that she would settle into this giant wolf.
Then… it had been a matter of overcoming their fear. At least, overcoming it enough to actually leave the planet. In the end, there was only so long they could stand the isolation. Their need to be with other sentients, even at arms length, eventually overrode that fear.
But Ezra had no injury to recovery from. The Little One hadn't settled yet. Nothing was keeping them here except Nara and Kanan. Their problems were… deeper. They might not have been ripped apart like Nara and Kanan had been, but they might as well have. In their entire lives, they had never had the opportunity to establish any sort of foundation to build a relationship, to nurture their bond. It was becoming increasingly clear that neither Nara nor Kanan knew how to help them build that foundation.
It was a sobering realization. Not to mention demoralizing.
At first they stalled for time. The first week was spent teaching Ezra and the Little One all the survival skills they knew. Even basic stuff, like tying knots and building fires. Days later, Nara was confident that they could survive on their own on Denova if they had to.
But after that… Nara and Kanan were still struggling to come up with a plan of action.
Ezra's relationship with the Little One was tenuous at best. Maybe he was no longer afraid to show her physical affection, but he still had a tendency to treat her more like a pet than a partner. And he had snapped at her on more than one occasion.
Nara had a sinking suspicion that the Little One was still going to be the key to their recovery. As long as she simply accepted her jemma's treatment, resigning herself to being not much more than an animal, they weren't going to be able to move forward.
In a twist of irony… Nara needed to speak with the Little One alone, away from both of their jemma.
[And how do you propose we do that?] Kanan asked.
[I don't know… Maybe you and Ezra just hang out in his tent?]
Kanan outwardly sighed. [You won't be able to go that far… Not without hurting them.]
[I know] she said indignantly. She remembered the limits of an intact tether. [But you can distract him. It shouldn't be hard to keep his attention off her for a bit. It's not like he's particularly attuned to her.]
Kanan's understanding and sadness hummed over their bond. [You really think this will work?]
[It's worth a try… It can't hurt.] Although the moment she said it, she felt doubt rise up in her. She honestly couldn't imagine how this could cause any issues, but the Little One's relationship with her jemma was so damaged, it was hard to predict.
Kanan dug his hand into the dense fur of her neck. [Alright… Let's give this a go.]
Thankfully, it was easy to set up this arrangement. Depressingly, Ezra and the Little One were quite receptive to direct requests. Particularly if they could be misconstrued as orders. They hated it, but it did made it easier at times.
"We want to work with you more one on one," Kanan explained to them. "So Ezra, you and I will go over some specific meditation techniques in the tent for some privacy. And then your daiima and Nara can speak with one another beyond the clearing."
Ezra nodded as the Little One inched closer to Nara in her Loth-cat form. "Okay."
Nara sat by the firepit with the Little One at her side as Kanan and Ezra crawled into the tent. While she was mildly curious about what they would be going over, she had her own job to focus on. She lowered her snout to nudge her. "Come, Little One."
She followed Nara without resistance, her body slinking lower with apprehensive fear.
"We're not punishing you. Either of you," Nara assured. "I just thought this would be a good opportunity to speak together without our jemma."
Nara could sense her confusion, so she went on. "We might be parts of our jemma's souls… but we're still sentient. We're not just tools or assets." She sat down and turned, knowing they were at the edge of their tether without it becoming painful. "I know you can speak." There was a spike of panic. "I'm not going to force you to talk aloud," she assured. "But… Little One…" Nara laid down low on her belly to meet her eyes directly. "You deserve more than this."
The Little One stepped back, her ears pulled back and her bond radiating distress and uncertainty.
"Like I said, you don't have to speak if you don't want to… But you did tell us your jemma's name. We want you to know that it's okay and safe to talk to us, or talk to me at the very least." She leaned forward and licked the side of the Little One's head. "You're not just an animal…"
The Little One's claws digging into the dirt, looking back at the tent before looking back at Nara. "If…" She stopped, as if the word choked her.
Nara licked her again. "Take your time…"
"If… I wasn't…" She gave a small whimper. She was so obviously unaccustomed to speaking. "I make him hurt…" she whispered.
"No you don't," Nara said insistently.
But she wasn't swayed. She pressed her belly to the ground, her ears completely flat against her head. Her guilt was resonanting so strongly that Nara almost physically recoiled. There were sounds in Nara's head. Well, they weren't sounds. It was more like an intense feeling. Either way, Nara could easily understand it.
If… If I didn't exist…
"No," Nara said harshly. Perhaps too harshly, because the Little One flinched into the ground. Nara stepped back and reigned in her emotions. She needed to be in control of her own emotions before she could meaningfully connect with her. "I don't want to scare you," she said evenly. "But one thing you need to understand is that just existing doesn't implicate you."
There was a beat. I-Implicate…?
"The Empire didn't hurt Ezra because of you," Nara stressed. "Your jemma is Force sensitive. He would have suffered no matter what… It's not your fault."
A nauseating series of memories suddenly flashed across Nara's foremind.
She shifted desperately, anything to just hang onto Ezra… but it was hopeless. They pulled her away, and that's when they beat Ezra, pinning his hands to the platform…
Foreign hands, hands that weren't him, stroking her body and massaging her legs. She felt horrid and dirty. She would rather be skinned alive than touched like this.
Each blow was a deeply bruising injury, but she just laid there and took it. He needed this to pass. And she would take anything to make sure he did well.
"It's not your fault," Nara said earnestly. "I… I know what it's like to be used against your own jemma but…" She hesitated. All of a suddenly, she realized she did have experiences that could be relatable. But to lay them out in clear color, without consulting Kanan first…
The Little One whimpered, practically burrowing herself into the dirt. Her claws continued to dig into the ground, making it soft as she pushed her face into it.
"After Cal-... I mean Kanan…" Nara sighed, berating herself to keep it together. "After we were ripped apart, I was sealed away in this box," Nara said bluntly. "It was a prison. And our… He would bang on it, torture me through it, just to make... Kanan… obey him," Nara shifted her shoulders slightly, her ears twitching back as she tucked her head down. "I was used to control him," she murmured. "And I hate myself for it."
The Little One paused in her burrowing, her ears not quite as flat against her head. It was with a painful tug in her chest that Nara saw that she was right; the Little One's own experiences were being echoed in Nara's grim account.
But Nara didn't want either of them to focus too much on the past. If they weren't careful, they would get lost in it. "What they did to us isn't our fault. What they did to our jemma isn't our fault." She gently licked the side of the Little One's face again. "You couldn't have stopped the Inquisitors."
Her ears twitched slightly as she continued to stare down into the dirt. "I… I s-screwed up…" she murmured. "I k- kept screwing up…"
Nara couldn't help the growl that emanated from her throat. "They put us in an impossible position," she said, unconsciously baring her teeth. "No matter what we did, we did it wrong, and that'd be fine if it was just us that suffered. But when it's our jemma being tortured and mutilated…"
She was starting to spiral which was unusual for her. Normally she was able to keep it together, stay grounded. Maybe it was because they were back on this planet. Old memories surfacing for the first time in years. Those long days and weeks, trying in vain to reduce Caleb's suffering, curled around him helplessly as he tried to claw his way back to sanity… That old helplessness was echoing with her need to get through to the Little One. To help her.
Nara dragged a paw through the dirt, looking away ashamed. "You have to forgive yourself," she finally said. "Maybe you don't deserve it. Maybe you don't want it. But you have to. Ezra's not going to be able to heal, really heal, until you do."
The Little One quivered before she slowly raised her head to look up at Nara. "H-How?"
That was an excellent question, and Nara's chest ached when she realized that she didn't have the answer. How had she forgiven herself? How had she helped push Caleb through his?
"Our jemma deserve better than to carry our burdens," Nara said slowly. "I knew that forgiving myself meant that Kanan would actually have a chance at living some sort of normal life… so that's what motivated me. I forced myself to accept that I couldn't have done any different. That no matter what, my jemma would have suffered, with or without me…" It was nauseating, but it was the truth. She couldn't have done any better. What was most important was helping Kanan move on. To help him live among other sentients again.
The Little One whimpered. "But… But...!"
"But nothing." Nara licked her again. "You could have been the perfect 'Asset', and they still would have found some reason to hurt him. But you are a part of Ezra. And an important part of that is recognizing that your suffering and your self-hate are not just your own. It feeds back into your jemma, and it'll harm both of you in the long run."
The Little One shivered and whimpered, oozing uncertainty.
Nara nuzzled her snout against her head, chuffing against her neck. "If you can't do it for yourself, do it for Ezra."
Of course just saying that was easy, but Nara needed to give more explicit advice. She thought back, trying to parse out what precisely she did to forgive herself.
[How is it going?] Kanan asked.
[Just… give me a little more time.]
"W-What… c-can I d-do…?" the Little One asked hesitantly, rubbing her head back up against Nara's muzzle. Their bond hummed with warmth, Nara stoking it with sympathy and understanding. This was the most open and relaxed their bond has ever been, despite the conflict plaguing the young daiima.
"It's about not stewing in our guilt. We can't help our jemma if we're focused on our own pain. You need to stand up for yourself. You need to call Ezra out when he's being self-destructive or starts falling in a toxic spiral… If our jemma aren't going to take care of themselves, if they're going to dive head first into darkness… it's up to us to hold them back."
The Little One rolled her shoulders slightly, processing Nara's words. "I… I do w-wanna help him…"
Nara's let out a small content groan. "I know you do," she said softly. "But you can't just be a passive player. Talk to him, focus on nurturing your bond…"
She gave a slow and small nod. "W-What if he gets mad at me?"
That was a distinct possibility given what they have seen of their relationship the last couple of weeks. "You're not alone," Nara said. "Kanan and I are going to be right here, helping you both. And… if need be…" Nara hesitated, but it needed to be said. "We'll protect you if Ezra lashes out."
The Little One relaxed a little at that, and Nara felt a little sick. That was one thing Nara would never understand. The idea of Kanan ever being angry at her - angry enough to hurt her - was incomprehensible. Of course they had the occasional argument or would get frustrated with one another, but the way Ezra treated her at times was horrifying.
Nara didn't know if Ezra's abuse was some twisted form of coping - a way to hurt himself and try to process all the torture he had suffered - or if it had been explicitly encouraged by the Inquisitors. Either way, it was no excuse. Ezra had made some progress, but he still struggled to really see his daiima as a proper sentient.
That was going to have to be their next priority. Only then would they be able to discover her name together.
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