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Enjoy chapter 20!

What did it mean to be sentient? To be a person?

It had been hard enough to understand existing. She wasn't just part of Ezra's consciousness, a voice in his head. She was this… thing, separate from him. Nothing had ever felt so right as that first time Ezra held her to his chest. For a brief time, nothing else mattered.

Then they were sent to Arkanis. It had been immediately obvious that she was different. The other animals shifted forms with ease. They spoke with each other and the other 'Inquisitorial Candidates'. Meanwhile, she just stayed curled up in Ezra's hands, the two of them only speaking silently to each other in Ezra's mind.

And then their training began.

She had learned very quickly that she had to obey every single order the Inquisitors gave, else Ezra would be severely punished. It was a decision made curled up in the medbay after one of the troopers had scorched his hands just for picking her up. They had forced him to suffer the full pain of recovery without bacta. Hearing him above her, writhing in pain, feeling it keenly pulsating through her own body... it was an easy decision. She would submit herself to any and all forms of torment and humiliation so long as it kept Ezra safe.

She was an Asset, a tool for Ezra to wield.

The only thing she was not able to fully relinquish was Ezra's name. Their new master on Nur may have tried to strip away everything that made Ezra Ezra, but she refused to let him disappear for good. Even if he couldn't hold onto it himself, she would keep it buried deep inside of her, hoping for the day where they would finally be free.

She didn't care that he had been angry at her for telling Nara. She didn't care that he hit her. She was just happy she had been able to give that back to him. Especially since it had been a breaking point that led to them being able to just be together again.

But apparently that wasn't enough. Nara and Kanan were still upset with them. Or… at least Ezra. Which made her feel sick and awful. Why were Nara and Kanan treating her so softly and kindly while chastising Ezra for things he doesn't know better about?

It was the morning after she and Nara had had their one-on-one. She and Ezra were seeing to their survival duties. She was in spider monkey form as she picked berries while Ezra was gathering and chopping up wood.

In the limit of their tether, she picked the bushes clean. At least, the ones that had edible berries. The container was half full, she carried it over to Ezra. They would need to go to a different area if they wanted to get more.

Ezra paused mid chopping. "What?"

She decided to actually speak aloud. It was what Nara wanted and apparently what she needed to do. "I-I… I picked all the berries…" She murmured.

Ezra raised an eyebrow, obviously surprised by her speaking. "Okay, and…?"

She looked down at the small bucket. They needed to move to a different area to get enough berries to fill it. She wanted to do a good job. [Can we move? So I can get more berries…]

"Once I'm done with this wood," Ezra said curtly, turning back to resume his sawing.

What could she do except set the container aside and sit on the ground nearby Ezra? Was there any way she could help him out with this task? Was there a form she could take that could perhaps speed up this process?

Ezra paused in his sawing, his gaze suddenly going unfocused and his fingers twitching on the edges of the saw. He was starting to space out. This wasn't the first time something like this had happened. She wasn't sure what to think of these... incidents. Nothing seemed to trigger them, and they didn't seem bad per se. It wasn't like he was panicking or having a flashback, but they have been happening more often lately. Ever since they got to Denova, Ezra would just… 'leave' for no reason.

[Ezra] she probed gently.

He didn't respond, his eyes wandering unseeingly.

She swallowed hesitantly as she stepped closer and put a clawed hand against his leg. There was no reaction. He didn't say anything or push her away… his breathing didn't even hitch or shudder.

"E… Ezra…?" she said out loud, pushing against him more insistently. She really didn't like this, and she almost wished he was panicking because then Kanan could come over and calm him down.

There was… something else she could try. Their bond. While the stalwart wall that Ezra had erected between them years ago had crumbled on Nar Shaddaa, they still rarely used it except to speak to one another. It still wasn't like the early years hadn't been perfect, when she really was always there, a part of his consciousness. Feeling, hearing, and experiencing everything he did with perfect clarity.

But the last time they had been able to communicate like that was eight years, huddled together in that cell on Arkanis. So much had changed...

A conflicting storm brewed in her mind. It's not like Ezra was in pain or endangering himself or even really suffering. He was just… spaced out. So reaching across to try and snap him out of it might make him even worse.

She whimpered, squirming in her spot. Several minutes had passed, and Ezra had barely moved. She hated this, she hated this, she hated this…

On an insane impulse, she closed her eyes and pressed her head to Ezra's leg. With just a bit of concentration, she probed her end of their bond before diving through to the other side.

Seeing and yet not seeing anything. Every inch of him was numb, but it only penetrated skin deep. The rest of his being was burning, the fiery heat threatening to reduce him to ash. Except it didn't. It just continued to burn and shred him into oblivion. It was simultaneously painless and agonizing.

She was swept up in the waves of horrible chaos. They threatened to drown her, just like they were drowning Ezra. She panicked, desperate to snap them both out of this before she was completely lost. [Ezra? Ezra?! EZRA…!]

Ezra suddenly coughed and gasped, staggering back from the chopping block and leaping to his feet. He automatically took an offensive stance, the one that had been drilled into his head by the Inquisitors. His chest was heaving as his eyes erratically scanned his surroundings.

She was still in his mind, experiencing his explosive panic as he tried to regain his bearings. The best way to calm him down would be from within their bond, but she had to retreat slightly to keep from falling into her own useless panic. Forcing herself to breathe evenly, she ignored her erratic heartbeat and tried to pull Ezra down to a calmer state. It was like digging fingers through sand, Ezra's mind was all over the place with no coherent thoughts.

[Ezra, we're on Denova, we're safe…]

The chaos began to coalesce into awareness. Ezra could actually see his surroundings, feeling the cool breeze on his skin. Unconsciously, his Force signature shimmied up alongside hers, seeking out the same comfort he used to get from her when he was a child. The lonely nights when his parents made sure he had dinner before leaving him on his own for long hours to work on their broadcasts… Her voice had been all that he had.

His eyes shifted to look over at where she was kneeling, his Force signature rippling with unease. He frowned slightly. "What…?" [What are you doing?]

[... You went catatonic. And when I realized what was happening, I wanted to knock you out of it.]

Ezra cleared his throat, relaxing slightly as he stood at ease. "Yeah you know…. It happens," he grumbled.

[And it's been happening more and more lately.]

He sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. "Yeah… makes no damned sense. Kanan and Nara have never hurt us, nothing on this planet is trying to hurt us… Everything is fine and my stupid brain decides to just stop working properly."

His frustration hummed through their bond, and it echoed with her own frustrations that have been dogging her so long. Her inability to help Ezra properly, to function as the daiima Nara wanted her to be… the daiima she should be…

Abruptly, Ezra sat down next to her, his back to the stump. He crossed his legs, and she took the silent invitation, shifting into her Loth-cat form and stepping into his lap. Once she was sitting, he wrapped his arms around her, sighing as he pressed his face into her fur. [What are we doing wrong?]

She nuzzled her face up against his shoulder. If only she knew. But at least Ezra wasn't pushing her away, physically or mentally.

For a while, they just sat there in silence. This was all she really wanted. Ezra seemed to waffle back and forth on it. Sometimes he seemed desperate to hold her, other times the thought seemed to repulse him. She tried not to take it personally. How many times had they been punished for even the slightest gentle touch…?

She shivered and whimpered as the Seventh Sister ran a hand down her spine, digging her fingers into her muscles. It was unnatural, horrible, revolting... As awful as when their master 'rewarded' Ezra.

"You are property of the Empire, and you serve me. Even your Asset is mine before it is your …"

Ezra suddenly squeezed her more tightly, his body shivering. "Stop," he murmured into her fur. "Please…"

[S-Sorry…] Stars, what was she doing? She was making things even worse because she couldn't get her stupid brain to work properly.

It was with a small jolt that she realized how her self-loathing and recrimination were mirroring Ezra's. They were stuck in a cycle.

Nara's voice echoed in her mind. You can't just be a passive player. Talk to him, focus on nurturing your bond…

[Can… Can we talk…?]

Ezra stiffened, although his grip on her didn't become too crushing. [About what?] Even through their bond, the question was curt.

It took every thread of courage to not just shrink back and forget this entire endeavor, but this was what Nara wanted… and this was something Ezra needed. [About… us? About everything?]

Ezra snorted, running a hand over one of her ears. [That's specific…]

Don't get discouraged, don't get discouraged… [Kanan and Nara want us to 'connect' more] she said desperately. [We can't do that unless we talk.]

"And what are we supposed to talk about?" Ezra said aloud. "It's not like either doesn't know what happened, we were both there."

He wasn't wrong. Honestly, she had no idea what they could talk about. She wasn't even sure what kind of connection she was looking for. All she knew was that she wanted what Kanan and Nara had: an unconditional and open bond, an ability to just be together with ease.

Part of the problem were her own fears. Questions that have lingered deep inside of her for years. They might have both been there, but Ezra had put a barrier up between them years ago. It was the only way they could survive, to put the necessary distance between one another so he could wield her properly as a tool. Even now, she struggled to sense what Ezra was thinking.

But getting answers to these burning questions might very well do her in. If her worst fears were realized, it would shatter what little self she had.

Maybe… Maybe it was better to pull the bandage off quickly. After years of languishing… what good would waiting any longer do other than extend her anguish?

[Did… Did you ever blame me? For not protecting you?]

At first Ezra didn't react. After nearly a minute passed, she began to think she hadn't projected the thought at all to him.

Then Ezra sighed. "No," he murmured. "What could you have done anyway? It's not like you didn't try, remember? The first time you ever shifted, you turned into a great big Loth-wolf…"

She did remember. That Purge Trooper had begun to beat Ezra for some infraction she couldn't recall. While she had knocked the trooper back, she only had seconds to revel in her victory before an invisible force lifted her in the air and slammed her against a far wall, stunning them both.

That was the first time they had been put into the Boxes: sealed off in a pitch black container and separated to the very limit of their tether.

So maybe there was no reasonable way she could have protected him. Not directly. But even so, she could have done more. As Ezra succumbed to his training, she kept hold of his identity, took what little resistance was left and tried to preserve it. Tried to keep 'Ezra' as she knew him alive. And that got them into trouble many times.

Really, there were a lot of regrets and mistakes. And it all culminated around a very simple fact.

[Do… Do you ever wish I didn't exist?]

Ezra's entire body froze, and she immediately regretted asking the question. Internally she was hitting herself, insisting that this was for the best. Now she would know for certain, and act accordingly. Make herself and small and unobtrusive as possible, do everything in her power to let Ezra lead a normal life…

Then Ezra's shoulders slowly relaxed and lowered, still holding her in a loose embrace. "I've never thought about it," he whispered. "Sometimes I wished you had never been a voice. That you really were just a dumb animal…"

And she had tried. For all these years, she has tried so hard to be just an Asset. A tool to be wielded. But no matter how hard she tried, it had never been enough.

"I… can't imagine a life without you. You've always been with me, even if I didn't know it."

[... that's not an answer.]

Ezra sighed, his arms tightening around her. [No] he said firmly, genuine honesty ringing through their bond. [If you had never existed… I would have just been executed with mom and dad. Or I'd just be an orphan, completely and utterly alone.] He squeezed her tightly. [If it wasn't for you, I really would be nothing.]

She was trembling against his chest, hardly believing what she was hearing, what she was feeling. His sincerity, the visceral need to have her with him was undeniable. The rejection - even the slightest semblance of it - that she had assumed had been brewing in Ezra's mind for years was simply not there.

There was a beckoning in her mind from Ezra's side of the bond. Like an arm sweeping her up in an embrace, she was pulled into their bond. It was reminiscent of their brief time together before their training had forced them apart, when they were free to really get to know one another as separate beings. Not just a boy and a voice in his head.

Now, their minds were finally free to intertwine and mix. A flood of their emotions and memories ebbed and flowed between them. It wasn't just their current emotional state and senses, it was everything they had kept from each other for years. All at once, they finally understood everything that had guided both of their actions.

They were the same person, and now they could see that their attempts to act any other way had been futile. And they resolved to never forget that fact ever again.

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