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Enjoy chapter 24!

They were going to bring Ezra to a rebel cell that was familiar with the Inquisitorious. They were going to talk to Ezra about what he knew, and help him recover from the horrors he had been forced to endure. The plan was to stay with them until they could all sort out how to move forward.

At least, that's what Hera had said to Sabine. She did not say they were going to a Jedi to leave Ezra behind. But seeing Ezra completely fall apart because he thought Kanan was sick of him…

Sabine could how much Ezra looked up to Kanan, how much he obviously craved Kanan's approval. For Kanan to just cast them aside ignited a fire in her very bones.

She was going to kill him.

They weren't in the loading dock, so Sabine turned directly into the cargo bay. Kanan and Hera were standing in the middle, with Nara standing right behind her Jedi and gazing at Hera. All three of them turned to her as she marched in, and Hera frowned. "Sabine? What's wro-?"

"What the hell are you thinking, Kanan?!" she spat at the towering man. "After everything he's been through, after pulling him back from the brink, you're just going to kick him off the ship?!"

Kanan's eyes were wide, leaning back away from her as she yelled at him. "Wait, what? What are you talking about?"

"Ezra," Sabine spat. "He says you're tired of him?! And that you're 'handing him off' to a Jedi? What Jedi?! What the haran'la is going on?!"

"What?" Kanan said incredulously. "I'm not tired of him! But Cal is much more suited for his needs…"

Sabine turned to Hera. "Wait, did you know about this?"

Hera at least had the wherewithal to look guilty. "I knew the leader of this cell was a Jedi. But all things considered, I wasn't going to bring it up unless I had to. It's dangerous being a Jedi in this galaxy."

Sabine literally could not care less about that. "No, are you just going to push Ezra off on a person he doesn't know?! After being trained by the Empire, his trust is going to be hanging by a thread…"

"Whoa whoa, what?" Hera looked shocked. "We're not pushing Ezra onto anyone. We're just meeting up with the Mantis crew so that they can evaluate Ezra and advise us."

Sabine gave a sarcastic huff. "Well Ezra seems pretty convinced that he's being abandoned to this crew. And that he's not welcome on this ship."

"What? Why would….?" Hera's voice trailed off and her expression contorted into annoyance as she looked at Kanan. "What did you say to him?"

Kanan looked alarmed, instinctively pressing himself against Nara's body as he stepped away from both Sabine and Hera. Instead, Nara responded. "Ezra and Tara want to be trained as fighters," she said earnestly. "And they deserve the chance to become Jedi… a chance we never got."

"What Ezra needs is a family!" Sabine hissed. "Do you have any idea what it would have done to me if you had dumped me onto some random osi'yaim?!"

Kanan suddenly paled, and Nara noticeably shrank in on herself despite her size. Sabine felt a satisfying thrill knowing that her words were hitting them squarely home. "Sabine…" Kanan said quietly, a hint of fear still in his eyes. "Ezra and Tara will be much better off with an actual Jedi…"

Sabine's chest constricted. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. "I do not give a kriff about the Jedi or the Force or whatever, Ezra has spent years being forced to obey the Empire. He doesn't need people telling him how to live, he needs to feel like he actually belongs somewhere!" It was with some humiliation that she realized that her eyes were beginning to burn. This wasn't about her, this was about Ezra.

It helped that Hera was looking at Kanan with the same level of contempt that she felt. "You told him that we were just transferring him to the Mantis?"

"No!" Kanan said. But then he looked sheepish again. "But… It would probably be for the best. Cal and Rida will be more suited to help and train him."

"That doesn't mean kicking him out!" Sabine scowled. "Ezra obviously understands you, trusts you… You're going to ruin all of that for the sake of a stranger?!"

Kanan and Nara didn't bother to respond. Kanan just let out one of his stress growls as they simply stood there and looked down at the ground in confusion and shame.

Something shifted in Hera, and she put a hand on Sabine's shoulder. "Go check in on Ezra and Tara, make sure they're settling in alright."

That was when Sabine realized that her breathing was shuddered and little ragged, her body trembling uncontrollably. She was even a little lightheaded, but the center of her chest was still aflame with anger.

Of course, considering the state she had left Ezra, her just storming off might not have helped matters. It was probably a good idea to check on him and maybe explain why she was so furious with Kanan. And seeing the glint in Hera's eye, Sabine knew she wasn't going to let Kanan off the hook.

"Alright," she said, taking a step back and shaking her arms out to get the tension out. "A-Alright…" She kept her gaze downward, unable to even conceive of looking at Kanan or Nara right now. It would just set her off again.

Instead, she left the cargo bay to make sure that Ezra understood that at least she welcomed him onto the ship.

Hera considered the both of them. "Do you really want to leave Ezra and Tara with Kestis?"

"It's not about want," Kanan said, sounding exhausted as he rubbed his temple. "This is for the best."

She loved Kanan, but he could be such a moron. "According to who? And who precisely is this the best for?"

Kanan's expression twisted in genuine confusion. "This is the best for them."

Hera let out a long belabored sigh. "It seems to me that you want to push them off. Wipe your hands of them."

"No!" Nara said immediately. "It's nothing like that. We love them, of course we do! That's why we want them to have the chance to learn how to truly be a Jedi."

If Hera wasn't worried before, she was most definitely worried now. Threads of desperation had been making themselves known as Kanan and Nara spoke. They were exuding a restrained sort of excitement but it was overwhelmed by melancholy. She was getting the distinct impression that they were starting to fall apart. "And Ezra said he wants to be a Jedi?" Hera asked gently.

"He wants to be trained," Kanan said, leaning heavily against Nara. "We were in the process of trying to figure out how exactly to do that when you called… and… this is the perfect opportunity."

"Kanan…" Hera stepped forward and reached up to place a hand against his cheek, angling his face so he was looking down at her. "You are a wonderful and thoughtful man, but you're going too far."

Kanan frowned, his eyes twitching back and forth as he searched her face. "Excuse me?"

Hera sighed, rubbing a thumb over his cheek. "Something's changed ever since Empire Day, since we ended up with Ezra," she said softly. "And… I think it's been for the better. I know it hasn't been easy, but I don't think I've really ever seen you and Nara so open and exposed."

"What?" Nara responded, looking at Hera incredulously. "We've told you about - " She suddenly choked on her words, and Hera instantly knew what she was talking about. Or who she was talking about. "We've told you so much, much more than we have Ezra…"

"Okay," Hera admitted. "Maybe it's a different sort of exposed. But the way you are with those two… I've never seen it before. Not with me. Not with Sabine. You were both immediately taken with them, protecting and nurturing them in a way I've never seen from you before. You took them away to Denova to protect them… You love them."

Nara bowed her head down, and Kanan's eyes went unfocused. She was right, and it was something they were both trying to deny. They were terrified of their feelings, and so their solution was to run away and put as much distance between themselves and the little ones as they could. They really wanted the best for them, but…

"I understand your reservations, but Sabine is right. I don't think you're seeing the effect your decisions are having on Ezra and Tara."

Kanan blinked, coming back to the present. He stepped back slightly, and Hera took her hand away. "How can you possibly tell? We just got here."

"I watched them walk onto the ship. I saw the way they looked at you when Sabine took them to their room. They looked like they were walking to the gallows. I think Sabine is right. They think you're abandoning them."

Kanan was trembling slightly, his expression unchanged. Nara stepped closer to him to press her head to his arm. "They don't understand," Kanan said softly. "But this is for the best."

They kept saying that, and it was starting to really irk Hera. "Have you tried explaining that to them, or do you just talk at them and assume they understand?"

"Of course we explained this to him," Nara said, sounding a little offended.

"Not just why we're meeting Kestis, why you think he'll be better off with Kestis than with us, with you…"

"I-I…" Kanan's face contorted between expressions as he sputtered, his hand smacking the side of his thigh over and over again. He and Nara were trembling in tandem. "You're joking right?" he finally said, his voice squeaking. "I-I can't tell them about… about…"

"About what?" Hera asked, exasperated. This was it. He and Nara needed a push. They needed to move on. "That you were forced to be trained by a Dark Side user? Just like he was? That you were forced to kill people like he was? Kanan, Nara… You have this insane notion that you don't deserve anything because of what you - as a child - were literally tortured to do."

"I wasn't - "

"You were fourteen when he took you!" Hera yelled. "And you were Sabine's age when you finally managed to get out! You crawled and clawed your way to not just survive but to turn into this amazing, kind, good man." She stepped forward and ignored their flinch as she reached up and cradled Kanan's face with both hands. "There's a reason I invited you two onboard, there's a reason I'm with you… I want you to see what I see. What everyone sees."

Kanan was still hitting his thigh, his eyes shiny as he stared down at Hera. A tear fell down from his good eye, and he closed his eyes in response. He leaned into her touch. "I… I'm a mess…" he breathed, barely audible. "Nara is better…"

Nara growled as Hera kept herself from slapping Kanan. "You are a part of one another. You told me that. Together, you are what Ezra and Tara need. Please, I'm begging you, stop punishing yourself. Let them in."

She ran a thumb over his scar, and it elicited a shiver from him. "I… I don't…"

Hera sighed. "Tell me this: forget about Jedi ideals or what you think is 'best' for them… Do you want them to stay with us?"

Kanan bit his lip. "I…"

"Yes," Nara replied. "More than anything, I want them to stay with us."

From the look in Kanan's eyes, he wasn't quite in agreement with Nara. No, it wasn't that. He did want them to stay just as much as his daiima, but he was still scared. He still believed that he would somehow do them more harm than good.

But if Nara was willing to express it, then Kanan would be able to as well. He just needed some time and perhaps a little pressure.

Hera leaned up and kissed him softly. "Please," she whispered, her lips brushing up against his. "Let yourself have this. Let Ezra and Tara in."

Kanan was trembling against her. He didn't give a response, and she didn't expect one. He just wrapped his arms tightly around Hera, his face pressed into her neck. They needed a little time to compose themselves. Then hopefully they would go have a real conversation with Ezra and Tara.

"You look like a lost tooka cat."

Ezra flinched slightly as he looked up. Sabine was standing in the doorway with a half smile. At least she didn't seem as angry as she had been when she stomped off earlier. He glanced back down at his lap where Tara was curled up. "She is in her Loth cat form," he murmured.

Sabine snorted, rolling her eyes as she stepped in. "I meant you."

"Oh." He wasn't sure what she was talking about, but she didn't seem to mean anything by it. "Okay." He smoothed a hand over Tara's head, wondering what Sabine had been doing for her brief absence.

"You know, Kanan's an idiot."

Ezra started, both he and Tara staring at her incredulously. "W-What?"

"I don't know what he's told you exactly, but as far as I'm concerned, you're a part of this ship. I'm not going to watch you get left behind with a stranger without seriously grilling him. I don't care if he's a Jedi, we have no way of knowing what his sentiments are going to be with ex-Imperials."

"I…" Ezra's voice got stuck in his throat. What was she saying? She was probably the lowest ranking member of this crew with the exception of maybe the droid. There was no way she had any say in their actual fate. But she was oozing sharp confidence with an underlying fierce anger. Strangely, the anger wasn't frightening. Just baffling.

"Kanan doesn't control your life. You're allowed to make your own decisions. If you want to stay here, you can."

"You're not in charge…" Ezra pointed out carefully.

"This isn't the Imperial Navy," Sabine said curtly. "Or your Inquisitorious. We don't have ranks, you don't have to follow anyone's orders blindly. Do you even want to talk to this Kestis?"

His brain short circuited. "I…" He clung to the only way he's ever functioned. "I don't want to be in the way. I want to be… w-whatever Kanan wants me to be."

Sabine was staring at him so hard that he had to duck his head down. She might not have the Force but her gaze was piercing, and it felt as though she were probing him. He very hesitantly reached out to gauge her emotional state in the Force. There wasn't any clear singular emotion. Hesitancy was fighting against anger, annoyance, and… fear?

She leaned against the wall, lowering her gaze slightly as she crossed her arms. "I know Kanan," she said. "Not as well as Hera obviously, but I've lived on this ship for almost two years now. If Kanan wants anything from you, it's for you to be you."

Ezra hated that. That idea of him being him. What even was he? Nothing. Never in his life has he felt anything in particular. Growing up, he just always felt trapped. It was also probably because Tara - his conscious, his other half - was literally locked away in a small box for the first seven years of his life.

Really, they've never been anything. They just had to fill the mold of whoever was taking care of them.

Sabine sighed. "I know the Empire does everything in its power to stamp away who you are. Turn you into a perfect drone for whatever they need you for. And I know because I'm a defector too."

Ezra frowned, glancing up at her. "W-What do you mean?"

"I was an Imperial cadet," she said flatly, avoiding his gaze. "And it took me… too long to realize that the Empire was turning me into something that wasn't me. And I… My actions caused so much pain and horror…" Her voice was strained, becoming more high pitched, but then she shifted physically and her expression hardened as she huffed and met his gaze. "I understand. I know what the Empire does to those it forces into its service. You feel lost and guilty, but it's not your fault. It's the Empire's fault."

Lost, yes. Ezra certainly understood that. Guilty or 'irredeemable'... He had regrets, but he didn't necessarily feel guilty. He had done what he had needed to to adapt and survive.

"But you can't let the Empire hang over you forever," Sabine went on. "Even after years of being forced to be a faceless nobody, a cog in their machine with no personality, they can't completely strip you of who you are. You can always go back."

Go back. Go back to what? What did Sabine want from him exactly? He was good at following others and doing whatever he had to to keep them happy or pleased. Don't get in the way, do as you're told, and everything would be okay.

"Kanan said there is no going back," Ezra said quietly. "That you can only move forward and… try to build yourself up into something else."

Sabine gazed at him silently, seemingly contemplating the notion. "I guess he's not wrong," she admitted with a slight rolling of her eyes. "But when you're building anything, you have to start from somewhere. And I would much rather start from who I was before than from what the Empire tried to make me into."

Ezra sighed, unsure how he could convince her that he hasn't really ever been anything.

They both started as the engine to the ship began to warm up. They were about to take off. Sabine gave a slight frown as she glanced in the direction of the cockpit. "I'm gonna chat with Hera." She looked back at Ezra and Tara. "It's gonna take a few days to rendezvous with this guy. I think you should think hard and long about what you want. Then I think you need to tell Kanan and Hera."

Ezra's stomach clenched tightly, his hands tightening around Tara's body. It was an unthinkable notion. Just the thought of trying to parse out his own feelings and desires sent threads of panic shooting through his body.

"Or…" Sabine amended quickly. "You can just tell me. But seriously, you need to straighten your head out and start thinking for yourself again."

Ezra just swallowed and nodded, wanting very much for this conversation to end.

Thankfully, the door hissed open, Sabine leaving them alone in their new cabin. A bit of the tension drained from his shoulders as they drooped. He hadn't even done anything today, and he was exhausted. With a small sigh, he shifted so he could lay on his side, curled up around Tara as she tucked her face into his armpit. Closing his eyes, he focused on his daiima's presence so he didn't have to think about anything else.

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