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Enjoy chapter 25!

Kanan was a fool and a coward.

Hera had let them be so she could take off and begin their journey to the rendezvous. Kanan and Nara had simply curled up on their estrade, not even speaking through their bond. They were both overwhelmed, their minds churning with their own private chaotic thoughts.

There was a reason he refused to even think about his past. Because whenever his mind got anywhere near those memories, his body would seize, and he would white out. The only times he's been able to talk about it was in the wake of some of his worst nightmares. It was as if the panic and residual fear from the dreams created a temporary and protective barrier between himself and the memories he had just re-lived.

Some logical part of him knew it wasn't healthy, that he couldn't really move on or help Ezra and Tara properly if he couldn't even acknowledge his past without dissociating. But how was he supposed to process it and move on if he shut down every time his mind even broached the subject?

[Hera's not wrong] Nara finally said, the words soft in his mind.

[I know] he replied.

There was another stretch of silent contemplation. He could sense Nara's anxious hesitance, and he knew where this conversation was going to go.

[I… We love them. And we want what's best for them but… the thought of leaving them with Cal and Rida…]

It was agony. It felt as if it would literally cleave them in two again. Which was absurd. There might be a bond connecting them to the little ones, but it wasn't as if there was a tether tying them together. It wouldn't kill them.

But there was the bond to contend with. It had sparked to life before they had even met, just like it had with Master Billaba and Parth.

"It is the will of the Force that you are by our side."

Only death could break a bond between Force sensitives. The process of which was almost as painful as when their tether had been ripped apart. So even if Ezra and Tara went off with Kestis, they would always be able to have some sense of them. It would either be a blessing or a curse.

But there was no disputing that Cal and Rida were the kind of Jedi teachers that the little ones deserved.

It was time for Kanan to do what he does best: methodically think through and analyze every single detail and potential outcome of this scenario to death.

A low growl emanated from his throat as he tried to get all of the facts organized in his mind. The last couple of months have been overwhelming and life changing. While he always knew that the Inquisitors might catch whiff of him and Nara at some point, he would have never imagined it would be a child. One they had formed a bond with, who was angry and afraid.

Ezra and Tara have never had any semblance of a normal life. Even before the Inquisitors had taken them, their parents locked Tara away and forced Ezra into a life of isolation. He didn't talk much about his life with his parents, but there has never been even a hint that he had any friends or hobbies. He was either following his parents around or had long quiet conversations with his 'conscience'.

They were both so eager to please. No, not eager, desperate. After the years of abuse and torture, it was how they had managed to survive. Getting them to break out of that desire, to look inward and act for themselves was like pulling teeth.

Which… had been Hera's point about them.

But they were not completely deferential like the little ones. They had their relationship with Hera, the days of bonding with Sabine… They had carved out this life on the Ghost for themselves.

Ezra and Tara needed more. In the old days, it wouldn't have been so much of a problem. The Jedi Order had had mind healers and a whole host of Jedi who specialized in mindfulness. Now there was no one… Except him and Cal. And he was a wreck.

[We don't actually know how Cal and Rida have done] Nara pointed out. [If they're alone… their master was probably killed as well. And we don't know what they've been doing the last fifteen years.]

[We know they've been working for Fulcrum] Kanan pointed out.

[So have we, technically.] Nara wrapped her head more tightly around him. [I want to see them, I hope they've managed to do well and live as Jedi… But we just don't know, so maybe we shouldn't be so quick to make any plans. Maybe we should wait and see. Talking with them, see how Ezra and Tara do with them… and if things work out, then we can…] Nara shuddered. [...let them go.]

Kanan's eyes burned for a moment, his wrist twitching as he hit his thigh. He blinked the burning back, nestling more deeply against Nara's side. They probably had been too eager and quick in assuming Cal and Rida would be best suited to train the little ones. Who knows, maybe they wouldn't even want to train them.

"Alright," Kanan whispered aloud, his hands digging into the fur of Nara's neck. "We'll wait and see." It was as good a plan as any.

Ezra shifted from foot to foot as he stared at the cargo bay door. Tara was rubbing up against his leg anxiously. [They probably won't mind...]

[Right, that's why they put us away in a separate cabin.] Ezra huffed, wringing his hands together. This was stupid. They should go back up to the cabin and continue on hiding.

It's only been a day since they had reboarded the Ghost, and they were already so desperately lonely that they couldn't even meditate properly. Hera was an unknown entity. Sabine was friendly enough, but she couldn't help them with anything Force related. And… after weeks of living with Kanan and Nara on Denova, they couldn't help but feel a little abandoned. They hadn't made any effort to see them outside of meals. It only served to fuel their hypothesis that Kanan and Nara were sick of their problems that were constantly cropping up.

And despite their earlier resolve to not bother them any more than they had to… Ezra had spent the last couple hours pacing his cabin anxiously while Tara laid next to the door and mournfully. They both just missed them.

So now they were here, on the precipice of a decision. Do they keep themselves locked away like how everyone wanted…. or did they give into their desires and seek out Kanan and Nara's company?

Ezra sighed, his shoulders drooping at his weakness as he raised his hand and knocked on the door.

"Come in," was the immediate response. Ezra let out a nervous exhale at that. Kanan must have sensed him, so the quick reply was a little reassuring.

He opened the door and saw Kanan and Nara as they usually were on this ship: curled up together on their raised platform. At this point, he understood why they spent most of their time like that. They might be able to be apart at any distance, but they were just as desperate to be together as he and Tara. Maybe even more so with their shredded tether. And there was no way Nara could get up to the upper level of the Ghost for them to sleep in a cabin together. Hell, Nara probably couldn't fit on a bunk.

Kanan gave him a small smile and leaned forward slightly, causing a little bit more tension to drain from Ezra's shoulders. "What is it, kid?"

"I…" His voice suddenly got stuck in his throat, and his body stiffened in panic. His brain oscillated violently between backing out now before he became even more of a nuisance or accepting that he and Tara needed this if he had any hope of trying to meditate.

Tara looked between her jemma and Kanan before taking a small step forward. "C-Can we… meditate with you?" she asked timidly, her voice small as her anxiety echoed with his own.

"Of course," Nara said, the both of them getting up from their platform. Ezra noted that Kanan was keeping his eyes averted as he walked to the center of the cargo back and knelt down. He waved a hand in front of him in a silent invitation.

Ezra let out a shuddered exhale as he stepped forward and knelt down. He hoped his trembling wasn't noticeable.

Their daiima both laid down, their sides just barely brushing against their jemma. Kanan smacked the side of his thigh twice before running his hand over Nara's back. "Obviously the living Force is not going to be as strong here as it was on Denova," Kanan said quietly, his gaze focused on Nara. "But the Force is everywhere, even in deep space. Find your center and reach out."

Ezra sighed and nodded as he closed his eyes, already feeling more at ease as Kanan spoke. It was nice to fall back into a familiar routine. He sought out the center between himself and Tara, trying to let it expand and encompass him like it would when they meditated on Denova.

But it wasn't happening. His center was there, but it was shuddering and slippery. Ezra bit his lip, digging his fingers into his thighs as panic began to take hold again. He mentally began to hit himself mentally. Don't, don't, don't… Kanan was being nice enough to do this for him even though he didn't have to, and…

"You're not focusing."

Ezra flinched and opened his eyes to see Kanan looking straight at him, his brow furrowed slightly. Fear shot down Ezra's spine, and his body was squirming and trembling uncontrollably. "S-Sorry…" he managed to murmur.

"You're obviously distracted," Kanan said. "What's on your mind?"

His voice wasn't admonishing, but it still lanced Ezra straight through the center of his chest, making it impossible to breathe. He opened his mouth to try and say something, anything, but it only came out as a garbled choke. Oh stars, he was having an episode in the middle of the day cycle…

"Hey hey," Kanan unfolded from his kneeling position and began to crawl towards him. "It's okay…"

Ezra recoiled, scrambling back a little. Tara suddenly got up with him, shifting into a serpent to coil around his torso. It was comforting, but not enough. "I-I'm sorry," he blurted, suddenly finding his voice. "I can do this, I-I promise…!" This was a mistake, he was doing everything he promised himself he wouldn't do.

Kanan stopped in his approach, worry and confusion beginning to radiate from him. "Ezra, I'm not mad at you," he said firmly and quickly. "You're not in trouble. I just want to understand what's going on."

"I'm just trying to do things right!" Ezra insisted. "You've given up and done so much for help us and… We just keep screwing up and - " Ezra's voice broke, and he suddenly found himself voiceless again. Which only fueled his panic even further. There was probably no way to convince Kanan and Nara that they were worth keeping around at this point, but the idea of screwing up again was paralyzing. Why could they just never do things right?

"You have not been screwing up," Nara growled, her teeth baring slightly. "The progress you two have made has been remarkable. Do you have any idea how long it took us to work past our training in the Dark Side? To build ourselves past what our…. master wanted us to be?"

"But you did. And you're here, and…" Ezra hung his head. "You're a person. And we're just nothing."

A long stretch of silence expanded between them. Ezra kept his head hung as he shrunk into himself, anticipating the worst: an affirmation of all their fears and insecurities.

Then Kanan started laughing.

A full body flinch rocked through Ezra as he looked up at Kanan with wide eyes. He could only gape at the man as he laughed with genuine mirth. Had he gone insane? "K-Kanan…?"

He finally caught his breath, still smiling and chuckling. "Ezra… You have no idea how similar we are."

There was a deep rumble from Nara, and it took a moment for him to realize that she was also laughing as well. Ezra could just stare at him, his mouth open and closing wordlessly. This time it was stupefaction not panic that had stolen his voice. His brain had short circuited as well at Kanan's statement. He and Kanan… similar?

Kanan sighed as his expression mellowed out to something more wistful, rubbing the back of his neck. "We… care about you," he said quietly, looking off to the side. "We want what's best for you. We want you to have the opportunities we never had. That's why we want you to train with Cal and Rida. If we had somehow run into a Jedi after…"

Kanan paused, like he always did when the conversation got even close to whatever past they desperately tried to hide. Ezra was constantly intrigued by his past. Obviously Kanan had been trained in ways similar to the Inquisitors, similar to him. But if he hadn't been an Inquisitor… what was he?

Then Ezra remembered when he asked the same question over a month ago, when they were fleeing Nar Shaddaa.

Kanan gave a half smile. "I'm nothing, Ezra."

… Maybe they weren't so different.

"We're not going to force you to stay with Kestis," Nara said. "We were never going to. But we believe you two would be better served learning about the Force and how to fight from him rather than us."

"Why?" Ezra asked exasperatedly. "Just because they're Jedi? But I don't want to be a Jedi!"

The silence that followed was deafening. Only the hum of the hyperdrive filled the space of the cargo bay. Ezra searched Kanan's expression and prodded his mood tentatively in the Force. His eyes had widened slightly, his mouth slightly agape. Thankfully, there was no anger, but there were conflicting emotions of confusion, understanding, disbelief. There were also soft whispers in the Force. Indistinct, but portraying a silent conversation.

Then Kanan licked his lips as he sat back, nodding slowly. "Then what do you want?"

Ezra stiffened. That damned question again. Why did these people keep asking him this? He just shrugged. "I don't know," he murmured. "I just want to stop screwing up."

"And in what ways do you think you've been screwing up?" Kanan asked, sounding a little annoyed. "We've told you over and over that the progress you've made is years ahead of where Nara and I were. The progress you two have made is remarkable. You must… want something."

Well… there was one thing that Ezra had wanted until Kanan and Nara had dismissed it. "I… want to learn to fight like you," he said quietly.

Kanan sighed, closing his eyes and leaning his head back in exasperation. He had a hand on his forehead as he opened his eyes back up and blinked at the ceiling. "I can… teach you a few things."

That was unexpected, but it sparked excitement in Ezra's chest. "Really?!"

"But I want to make one thing very clear," Kanan said, fixing Ezra with a hard stare. "If I get the impression at any point that things are going too far… I reserve my right to refuse to train you any further."

It wasn't technically a threat, but it certainly felt like one. It made Ezra a little nervous. "What does 'too far' mean…?"

"We're not Inquisitors. And we're not…" Kanan paused, seeming to choke on the next word. "We're not Sith. So we're not going to fight like them. It's not just for you, it's… It's also for us." He glanced at Nara as he growled. "I don't want things getting too far."

Ezra's frown deepened. "W-What's a Sith?"

Kanan and Nara just stared at him for a moment. Then they shared a glance with one another before Kanan spoke. "They're the ancient enemy of the Jedi," he said carefully. "They're… more powerful than Inquisitors. And their intentions and lust for power are far greater reaching." He sighed, rubbing a finger to his temple. "Emperor Palpatine is a Sith Lord. His true name is Darth Sidious."

The sound of that name sent a shiver down Ezra's spine, a heavy and ice cold lump forming in his stomach as memories of mechanical breathing echoed in the back of his head. Ezra had only encountered Darth Vader a couple of times, but each one was branded in his mind. He was a brutal and terrifying monster matched only by his Asset, a winged reptilian beast that could shred through another being in seconds.

Ezra had always had the impressions that Vader was something different than the Inquisitors. Even his master was afraid of him. And now he had a word for what sort of entity Darth Vader was.

"Ezra?"

His eyes snapped back up, and he realized that he had zoned out again. "S-Sorry…"

"It's alright," Kanan said, looking Ezra over with a hint of curiosity. "You okay?"

Ezra nodded. "Y-Yeah, I just realized that there was this guy… In the Inquisitorious, he outranked everyone and he was…" Horrible. "... His name was Darth Vader."

Kanan's eyes widened slightly before he gave a single nod. "The rule of two."

"The… what?"

Kanan sighed. "So I don't really want to get into a whole history lesson, but over a thousand years ago, there used to be millions of Sith. But they all kept constantly fighting amongst one another until the Rule of Two was implemented. Basically, there would never be more than two Sith; a master and an apprentice. This way they could assure they wouldn't fall into extinction with in-fighting. So… Emperor Palpatine must be the Master while Darth Vader is the Apprentice."

"Oh." It was difficult imagining Darth Vader as an apprentice to anyone, but then again… he had never met the Emperor. "Well I'm okay not being a Sith," Ezra said bluntly. Yes, he wanted to be strong and powerful, but Vader was something else entirely. He didn't want to be a monster. "Like I said, I just wanna fight like you."

A growl escaped Kanan's throat as he pressed his lips together in a thin line. Nara just sighed, rubbing her snout against Kanan's arm. "And like Kanan said, there are a few things we can teach you."

She and Kanan stood in tandem, and Ezra just frowned for a moment, regarding Kanan with more care. "You… don't want us to fight like the two of you can?"

"Not like on Nar Shaddaa," Nara said. "We… fell back on old training."

Kanan scoffed. "Not old enough…"

Ezra shook his head in confusion. Why did Kanan and Nara always talk like this? It was so confusing and aggravating. He stood up and squared his shoulders at them. "Well, you are still going to teach us, right?"

Kanan huffed, but he had a half-smile. "Yeah yeah…" He started to stretch his limbs. "I have a basic idea of what forms the Inquisitors teach and how they fight. So how about a quick spar, and we'll go from there?"

Ezra was grinning from ear to ear as he shook out his limbs and got into a ready position. Finally, they were going to learn something.

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