TheNoodleMaster14 - Thank you. I have never written a crack story before, so this is quite fun.

Guest - Considering that your review seems to indicate that you haven't realized this is intentionally ridiculous because it's parodying bad fanfiction and fanon tropes, I won't be losing any sleep if you read my work or not. I'm sorry that you didn't notice the summary mentioning bad fanfiction, or that the story is labeled under parody and humor. I wish I could help you with your lack of intelligence.

Chapter 3: Magical Cores, Bloodlines, and Marriage, Oh My!

Five minutes went by before the door opened. A goblin wearing a black muggle suit walked in, prompting Harry to stand up. As with most goblins, his face and hands were wrinkled and rough looking, though he had a full head of black hair neatly combed and slick with gel. A small stack of scrolls and parchment were tightly tucked under his left arm, while an ink well was held in his right hand. After putting everything on the ornate table in the center of the room, the goblin approached Harry and waved at his goods.

"Good morning Mr. Potter. My name is Lugknut, and I'm the lawyer assigned to your accounts. Have you been told anything about the situation you find yourself in?" Lugknut asked, sitting in the chair at the table's end.

"Not really. The letter I got said that I had to speak with someone about being emancipated, but it didn't go into the details of what that would mean for me. And it said I have an inheritance and a… marriage contract," Harry answered, stomach already feeling queasy at the idea of being forced to marry someone. If it were true, that is.

"Hm, I see," Lugknut muttered, motioning for Harry to sit down. "We'll go over everything and get this settled as fast as possible. Before we start, do you have any questions?"

Harry had many questions after the day he'd been having, but he wanted to finish this as quickly as possible. "No. I'd like to get right into it."

Lugknut nodded, then unrolled the first scroll in his stack. "To ensure that you are who you proclaim, we'll start by having you place a few drops of blood on this piece of parchment. That will identify your bloodline so that we can proceed further."

Harry eyed the parchment for a moment, then looked at Lugknut again. "Is this really necessary? The letter was sent directly to my house. I can show it to you if you want."

"It's fanon tradition, Mr. Potter. We must verify you through a blood test," Lugknut replied, pulling out a small knife from his suit pocket and holding it out. "Now, please place your blood on the parchment."

Taking the knife with a sigh, Harry sliced his thumb, smearing his blood over the blank page. For a few moments, nothing happened. Then the blood started to sink into the paper and spread out in lines of some unknown lettering. The letters glowed a neon green color before disappearing. A green aura covered the parchment, suddenly shining so brightly that Harry had to look away. When the glow faded, Harry turned back to see that several lines of text now littered the page, each glowing with that neon green coloration.

Harrison Jameson Potter

Son of James Tiberius Potter and Lily Justicia Potter (née Evans)

Heir to the following families:

Ancient And Noble House Of Gryffindor

Ancient And Noble House Of Hufflepuff

Ancient And Noble House Of Ravenclaw

Ancient And Noble House Of Slytherin

*By rite of armed conquest

Ancient And Noble House Of Black

Ancient And Noble House Of Le Fay

Ancient And Noble House Of Atem

Ancient And Noble House Of Gargamel

Contemporary And Ignoble House Of Mouse

Harry's mind went blank as he finished reading all the text listing the families he was the 'Heir' of. This… this was…

"No. No, I… I'm not dealing with this. I've got enough problems already." Harry got up and headed for the door, intent on leaving the bank and writing that letter to Dumbledore. He only managed a few feet before a gust of wind somehow appeared inside the room and slammed the door shut. When Harry grabbed the brass handle and tried to yank it open, the door didn't budge an inch. Bracing his foot against the frame, he tried again, but it still held fast.

"Mr. Potter."

Harry turned around to confront the goblin that he believed was responsible for locking him in. Only to lose his nerve at the sight of the goblin's eyes having gone totally red like hellfire.

"You will sit down immediately so that we may continue with your emancipation." Lugknut's voice sounded like it was coming from the very walls around them. Like a stereo sound system amped up beyond reason.

"This isn't real! I have to be dreaming, I have to," Harry yelled, hand going to the door once more.

"There are multiple documents we must go over, some of which may have dire consequences if you refuse," Lugknut continued, ignoring Harry's distress. "If you will sit down, we can finish this in less than an hour, at most."

Harry kept tugging on the door for another minute, desperation fueling his refusal to listen to what Lugknut was saying. Yet, it accomplished nothing. The door stayed shut with no sign of moving any time soon. The option to use his wand was tempting, oh how it was. But, Harry knew that would likely result in something disastrous happening to him. Who knows what kind of enchantments and charms were built into the walls of this building. Hopelessly giving one last pull on the handle, Harry finally turned around and silently walked back to his seat.

Lugknut's eyes went back to their normal state, a ghastly smile stretching his lips. "Thank you for seeing reason, Mr. Potter. Now," Lugknut paused to hold up the glowing parchment. "As this test shows, you are indeed Harrison Potter, so we can move on to the actual emancipation process. After that, we'll discuss your inheritance and the marriage contracts drawn up by your parents."

"My name is Harry! And contracts? The letter said it was just one!" Harry protested, getting more upset by the second.

"Several more were found within your file after that letter was sent. Now, unless there will be any other interruptions?" Lugknut asked with a raised brow.

"If I hadn't shown up within two days to talk with you, would you really have sent someone to get me?" Harry barked back, scowling at the feeling of helplessness that surged through him.

"We keep Dog the Bounty Hunter on retainer," Lugknut revealed. "I gave your file a quick look over, and the emancipation itself is rather simple. Since the Triwizard Tournament was altered to only allow those aged seventeen or older to participate, you are technically an adult in the legal sense. And as any lawyer will tell you: Technicalities are fantastic when they benefit you or your client."

Harry absently nodded along, trying his best to keep calm(sane). "Okay, so what does that mean for me? Since I'm an adult, am I no longer going to be enrolled at Hogwarts?"

"Hell no. You're still going to school. Otherwise, we wouldn't have a story. Anyway, as an adult that is Head of your House, and Heir to multiple bloodlines, you'll be in charge of the decisions affecting those estates. That includes seats on the Wizengamont. Legal dealings involving other magical families. Property or investments taken under any of the estates, whether they be muggle or magical, and the bank accounts owned by those lines." Lugknut explained, reading off a list written on a small notepad. "Of course, this also means you'll be responsible for paying taxes. Settling any lawsuits or other pertinent litigation. And handling any obligations made by previous Heads, regardless of how ludicrous those obligations may be. I don't have the time to go over every single item this adulthood grants you, but this book will help you immensely."

Lugknut pulled a thick book from his suit pocket and handed it to Harry. It looked roughly three hundred or so pages. It had a shiny yellow cover featuring a smiling black and white figure with a triangular head and glasses.

Activating God Mode For Dummies

Learn About:

-Ancient Runes and how they'll make you piss excellence

-Warding your home to survive Skynet, the Death Star, the Homeowners' Association, and your neighbor's loud ass dog

-Spells and Curses that will AO3 your sex life

Written by I. B. Trowling

Harry stared at the cover for what felt like an eternity, his mind trying its best to process what he was seeing. In the end, he gave up. The sound of the book hitting the desk resonated throughout the room, followed by the heavy sigh from the teen's lips. His lips tried to form words for a full minute, with a few unintelligible syllables being cut off as soon as they started. Eventually, Harry tiredly waved for Lugknut to continue with his work.

"As you're now recognized as an adult, the full inheritance from your parents shall be transferred over," Lugknut said. He pulled open one of the scrolls and showing off an itemization of everything Harry would be getting. "From the main Potter estate, you have received a total of 500,000 Galleons, to be available immediately upon signing of the documents. You also now own a summer cottage in Godric's Hollow, located in West Country, England. Historical significance aside, the current worth of the cottage is 20,000 Galleons. And it, unfortunately, continues to depreciate yearly from lack of upkeep."

Harry had never once heard of such a place. But, if it was coming directly from the Potter family… "Who owned it before?"

"The home was purchased by James and Lily Potter in 1978. Ownership after their death was placed with Gringotts until you came of age." Lugknut waited to see if Harry was going to speak again. When the teen stayed silent, he resumed reading, "You now have ownership of Potter Manor and the surrounding grounds, located near Loch Ness, Scotland. The property is approximately 1.88 acres, and the manor itself is 12,000 sq. ft. Current worth is 88 million Galleons."

So he owned a mansion just like what he imagined Malfoy's family had? That was the kind of thing he didn't want. Regardless of how much it was worth.

"Other assets under the Potter name include 85% shareholder ownership of the muggle car company Aston Martin. The value of Aston Martin in the current market is £210 million," Lugknut paused to look at Harry. "Do you have any questions about this?"

He… he owned the car company made famous by James Bond?

"No, none at all," Harry managed to say. Okay, so maybe he'd take that. Lugknut nodded and crossed a few items off his paper. The goblin was about to move on when Harry held up a hand. "Could I just… can you just let me look over all that myself, later? I want to get to the… the marriage stuff."

Lugknut nodded, rolling the scroll back up and handing it over. "Very well. Your contracts were drawn up after you were born, with the stipulation that you would not have to finalize them until your fifteenth birthday."

"But that's still a month away," Harry pointed out.

"That is true. However, your emancipation had circumvented that issue. Technicalities and all that," Lugknut countered, smiling in a way that made Harry grit his teeth. He then handed over a thinner scroll tied with a red string, motioning Harry to open it. "Read this, then we'll go through your engagements."

Warily, Harry undid the string and flattened the scroll out so he could read it. To our dearest little Harrison, it read.

Nothing else around him mattered at that moment. Even though his name wasn't Harrison, the only people Harry believed would ever refer to him as 'our dearest' were his parents. His chest felt tight. He squeezed his eyes shut and rubbed them roughly with his arm. The teenager had only made it one line, but that line was enough to send his already frantic emotions back up.

Harry started again, determined to get through whatever was written. To our dearest little Harrison. If you're reading this, it means that we aren't there with you anymore. Whenever and however we had to leave you, please know that we love you more than life itself. The day you were born was the happiest day of both our lives. And we want to share that happiness with you, which is why we've arranged for several marriage contracts to be drawn up. It's such an old-fashioned thing, of course. But we don't want to take the chance that you'll be a complete dullard when it comes to romancing some wonderful lady(or gent!) and not having a loving family of your own. You're only lonely when you're alone, after all. No matter which one you end up with, do your best to be happy. Love, Your Parents

Emotional couldn't begin to describe how Harry felt right now. On the one hand, he felt utter joy hearing his parents refer to his birth in such a way. It helped soothe the part of him that wished they were still alive. Growing up in the Dursley household had cultivated the idea that Lily and James Potter were worthless and that his existence was a bad thing. Due to his Aunt and Uncle's constant lies and emotional abuse. Learning at age eleven that his parents were good people was one of the best moments of his young life. Every reaffirmation of that fact since brought him nothing but warmth.

On the other… a marriage contract. A marriage contract! How could they do this to him!? And thinking he might turn out to be bad a romance? That… okay, so he'd been complete shite at asking a girl to be his date for the Yule Ball. His terrible time with Parvati only reinforced the harsh reality that he wasn't exactly an ace with the opposite sex. A faulty dating ability aside, he didn't want to marry some girl when he hadn't even turned fifteen yet!

He made his opinion on the subject known to Lugknut.

Lugknut shook his head. "Mr. Potter, if you choose not to fulfill the requirements of a marriage contract, you will lose your magic."

"What!?" Harry shouted. He barely noticed that he'd shot to his feet, knocking his chair to the floor in the process. "How can I lose my magic!?"

"I'm not entirely sure of the specifics. But basically, your magical core would be permanently sealed away by the oath of the contract. Then, the Aurors will wipe your memory of ever having been a wizard in the first place," Lugknut explained. He held up the still-glowing parchment that had revealed his family lines. "Speaking of magical cores, our detection spells are showing there is a block of some kind on yours. Unfortunately, it isn't able to identify the type of block or who put it on you. You'll have to be examined by someone that specializes in the subject to have it taken care of."

Harry's head felt like it was about to explode. More crap he had to deal with? "What the hell is a 'magical core'?"

"It's the well of magic within your soul. A magical core allows a person to use magic, and how powerful you are depends on the size of said core," Lugknut elaborated. "With yours having a block restricting it, the strength of your spells would be severely weaker and cost more willpower than normal."

"If that's true, then why hasn't Madam Pomfrey ever mentioned this to me?" Harry demanded, not understanding how something that was such a big deal would never be discussed. He'd been to the Hospital Wing of Hogwarts enough times that this should've been brought up.

"Well, that's because the author just made this shit up, of course," Lugknut chirped, smiling like he was offering Harry free samples of cheese.

"I… sure. Whatever you say," Harry growled, unable to come up with any kind of response to the insane statement.

"Excellent. Remember, next chapter, you need to see someone about that block," Lugknut reiterated, then focused on another stack of scrolls in his pile of paperwork. "Now, onto the actual contracts."

Harry watched with apprehension as Lugknut spread out six scrolls before him, each tied with a gold string and a numbered wax seal. Wondering if he should grab one or not, the dread he felt grew colder when the goblin then held out a red die. Hesitantly, Harry accepted the item, brows nearly merging with his hair.

"What's this for?" Harry asked, lightly rolling it around his palm.

"That is a Chance Cube. While you would qualify for the Clan Restoration Act made famous by Naruto Uzumaki, you're only allowed to accept one contract instead of all six. The Wizarding World doesn't allow polygamy any longer, I'm afraid," Lugknut stated, nodding to the die. "So, you'll roll that die, and whatever number you get is the wife you'll be partnered with. It's fair and allows all of your potential wives an equal chance to become the next Mrs. Potter."

Harry was just about to start screaming and possibly send Lugknut into the wall with a Bombarda. Then he sneezed. His entire body rocked from the force of the sneeze, and Harry felt the die fall out of his sudden loose grip. Through squinted eyes, he watched in horror as the cube hit the table and bounced twice. Rolling twice and seeming to stop on one of its edges, it ended its journey with six white dots staring at Harry's face.

"Ah, number six. Let's take a look at which lucky lady is the winner." Lugknut excitedly snapped his fingers, grabbing the scroll with the corresponding number. Pulling the string free and rolling the parchment flat, the goblin positioned it before Harry so he could see the words at the top.

Marriage contract to be fulfilled between Harrison Jameson Potter and Pansy Ophelia Parkinson

"No… " Harry's voice actually cracked, barely noticing the tears that flooded his eyes.

Next chapter: Rune Me Up, Before You Go Go