Quick one-shot.

Audrey deals with what it means to offer a job to Mateo.

Don't read if you haven't seen season 5 episode 1.

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"You know, we have been down on one attending for over a year," Audrey told Mateo, still craving his presence and embrace.

Neil had left a void behind him. A void, which she had refused to fill for over a year. As if he was going to come back, take his job back.

It had begun with her postponing for as long as she could removing the letters on his office wall. She had put it as low on her to-do list as she had been able to. It had gotten to a point when a whole year had passed and the empty office was still his. She even surprised herself walking in it sometimes. His family had removed all of his personal belongings but the furniture and books still remained. She would pretend to need to borrow one of his books to spend some time in the office, sitting on the couch where they had argued so much.

But it wasn't just about the office.

She couldn't in her head, fathom the idea of replacing him. She couldn't hire someone else. Someone who would take his office and fill it. She wanted him to come back.

Every single room in the hospital reminded her of him. Walking in an OR, she always hoped to come across him. Maybe they would be scrubbing in together. He just couldn't be gone. He just couldn't have died.

Some days she even caught herself whispering his name.

"Neil."

And thinking of him over and over again. Recalling their time together. A blessed time. A time when both of them could fathom a future together after spending years thinking of each other, yet putting their professional success before their relationship. Competing against each other though all they wanted was to be with one another.

She had hoped that the void would grow smaller with time. They said time heals, but after months, the pain was still intense, almost impossible to bear. It was mixed with her own guilt and had been emphasized with Covid. For a moment, she had hit rock bottom, trying to drown her pain in alcohol and video games.

And then she had accepted the help. Even if her pride wouldn't accept it, she had finally listened to reason. It was a long road ahead of her. A painful one. But she had proven many times how resilient she was. This situation was just another moment when she needed to showcase her resilience.

She worked as hard as she could towards feeling better. Yet the void was still there and the wound Neil had left behind him wouldn't seem to heal. It was gaping. Summer was approaching and his name was still written in silver letters on the glass wall of his former office. She couldn't let him go. Every clue he had left behind, she was holding onto, as if her life depended on it. It felt like she couldn't breathe without him around.

And then she had left for Guatemala. And with Mateo, she had been able to let her guard down. Open up a bit and let her pain out. She had caught sight of the light at the end of the tunnel. And it felt good. She wanted more of it. More light, more running towards things than running away from them.

When she had come back from Guatemala, someone had taken care of removing the silver letters. Neil was definitely gone. The wound was still there but slowly beginning to heal. It would leave a scar behind, as a reminder of their story. But rather than being sorry for their story to have come to an end, she felt grateful that it had just happened.

Moving on from him was also something she was working on. For months she had shut herself down, refusing to let any feeling for anyone come out of her heart. But Mateo was challenging everything. She liked him. Maybe because he reminded her of Neil. Or maybe because she simply was allowed to move on, to love again, and to feel alive.

And a relationship with him was easy. He was far away and there was little chance he would be able to stay in the States for a very long time. No commitment was required. The relationship suited her perfectly. It was like a one-night stand but with the same person. Or just a convenient sex-based relationship. It was easy.

But again, her plans had been turned upside down by Mateo surprising her and letting her know he had found a job. In San Francisco. He was way closer than he had ever been, way closer than she had envisioned. Her fear of commitment kicked in hard. For a few days, she felt the weight of her fears telling her to run away from this relationship, while a voice in her heart was telling her to give this relationship a chance.

But what if she betrayed Neil by doing so? What if she was unable to handle both her job and a relationship? What if he wanted to go further than she was ready to?

And then the tension had been relieved when he had told her SF General had pulled back their offer. She had felt unburdened by the fact that he would have to look for a job somewhere else, somewhere further where things could go back to what they were before he had knocked on her door.

She let Shaun and Lea's engagement party happen and didn't say a thing again. She let the news sink in and spent the night thinking about it.

"I'm going to offer you a job."

It had taken her an entire night to remember that she had stated she wanted to run towards things rather than away from them. And maybe that was it. Maybe offering Mateo a job at Saint Bonaventure was the solution. This way he would be closer to her. Yes, she would be his boss, yes, she would be spending her days and nights with him, but wasn't it all she needed?

As the words came out of her mouth, she felt in her heart that no, she wasn't betraying Neil. She was simply moving on. She was running towards things. She was accepting that the void Neil had left behind would always be there. But she was also accepting that she was allowed to walk on the road to happiness, that maybe healing from her PTSD also meant allowing herself to be happy. By offering him a job, she was running towards happiness. And there was nothing wrong with it.