Carter, known for his oftentimes too optimistic characteristics and overzealous enthusiasm towards all things even mildly explosive was stuck.
"Pop! Pop! Pop, you tay? Pop tay?" Andrew Carter, blinked refocusing on the present finding his 2 year old daughter's chubby little hands on his cheeks, her chocolate brown eyes starting to water over.
"Louise, hey baby girl, pop's ok, come 'ere," He engulfed her into a tight papa bear sized hug, an attempt at comforting himself as much as he was her.
He heard her sniffling and felt her rubbing her face in his flannel clad chest. This grounded him to the present. "Tay," the toddler whispered barely audible.
Andrew sighed. This was getting harder and harder. No one understood, no one could be told enough to even begin to understand. God, did Jamie try to understand, and damn it he loved her to death for it. But there was always this fear she'd get tired of him like Mary Jane had and she'd leave him. Even after 6 years of marriage, this was still a daily fear. 6 years and two beautiful children were still not enough to qualm his fears.
-HH-
"Carter my boy, I'd say this is your finest work yet!" Praised Colonel Hogan one particularly warm March afternoon. It was 1945 and the end of the war was practically tangible, they could smell the Sherman tanks approaching. It helped that they had connections keeping them updated on the progress of the Allied troops. Although in some regards, that just made the wait all that more difficult.
They were part of the end, part of what would bring the Third Reich to its knees.
Carter's bombs would be instrumental.
He'd never seen statistics.
He wished he'd never laid eyes on those papers.
"Gee! I can't wait to hear them go off!" He made a sound to mimic explosives detonating. "Boy, this is going to be so loud they'll hear it all the way in Berlin!" He blushed "I mean, thank you sir." He corrected himself awkwardly.
12,000 and that was just a rough estimation.
Colonel Hogan let out a small laugh. "They just might Carter,"
27,000 was the actual number. And that was just one night. One mission. 27,000. Fuck.
-HH-
"Mom! Pop's lost again!" Carter heard his 5 year old yelling out.
He looked up and saw his beautiful wife rounding the corner, her face deeply set with concern.
"Sorry," He whispered, voice cracking. He hated his family seeing him like this, but he had no control over this.
But he had control all those years ago. Had the ability to devastate so many lives.
-HH-
"No! No sir, I will not be responsible for that many deaths!" Carter wasn't one to stand up to authorities and stand his ground, but channeling the energy he used playing any number of German brass, he stuck to his guns.
Colonel Hogan rubbed his temple and sighed. "Look Carter, if it helps you sleep at night, you're under orders, so those deaths on me,"
"No!" His voice cracked. "I mean, I made the bombs, sir,"
"As you were ordered to. This is all part of bringing this evil to its knees Carter, did you just now realize innocent people are hurt in the process?"
"Evil can't be overcome by evil." Carter whispered.
"Carter, look at it this way, do you remember what we heard about Dachau? Remember the pictures?"
A lump froze in Carter's throat and he nodded his head.
"All these people stood by and did nothing while their neighbors were rounded up and sentenced to that hell."
Sighing, Carter nodded his head and left the Colonel's office. Suddenly the war felt a whole lot more real again.
-HH-
"Honey, what's the matter?" Jamie brushed a hand down Andrew's jaw as he came in late from the drugstore one evening. The man's tired eyes met hers and she could have sworn she saw wolves snapping their jaws in their reflection. He leaned into her cool touch wanting nothing more to just melt away into oblivion, his insides bouncing around like excited electrons begging to combust.
"Just tired," He whispered, barely succeeding in keeping his voice from cracking. He was a fraction away from breaking into a sob.
"I saved dinner for you," She kissed his cheek, knowing from 15 years of experience to let him battle his wolves his own way.
Carter smiled gratefully, placing a hand tenderly on her rounded abdomen.
"Peter called,"
"What'd he want?"
"Something about the gang, the general's promotion, and Vegas,"
"You tell him anything?"
"That you'd call him back,"
Carter sighed, "I'm not going,"
"I think it'd be good for you to get away,"
"I can't leave you and the kids and it's too long a drive for you now,"
"I'll be fine, go and have some fun, all you do is play with the kids, read, and work,"
"That's all I need Jamie, I'm a simple man,"
"And I love you for it Andy, but you're tired,"
"Seeing them won't help,"
"At least call him back," Jamie begged.
"Ok," Which was more than he had conceded in 7 years regarding his old war gang.
"The school is looking for a chemistry teacher again." She carried on without skipping a beat, or let him know how pleased she was. It was better that way, it always was.
-HH-
"What do you plan on doing now that the war is over?" Another recently released POW who Carter had learned had been in Stalag 5 asked as they sat in an English pub, a few pints in.
"Find a good girl, work at the drugstore, and raise a family," Carter had lost his usual spunk in the past few months. He was still Carter, just not as exuberant. Newkirk hadn't liked that.
"That's not much," The New Yorker laughed.
"It's all I need. What's your plans?"
"Go to college and do something with engineering. Hey, do you think there's anything to those stories about Papa Bear?"
"Nah, I doubt it, I mean you were a POW too, do you honestly think anyone could pull half that off under the German's noses?" Carter had been sworn to never tell until their mission was unclassified.
The other man shuddered and took another deep sip from his beer. "Nah!" He wiped mouth on his sleeve, then started laughing. "No way in hell!"
-HH-
"Hello Peter?"
"Andrew, mate! I didn't think you would call me back!" Peter sounded very excited.
"Jamie talked me into it,"
"I always did like that bird!"
Andrew smiled, it was good to hear Peter Newkirk's voice again. Maybe that's why it hurt so much to talk to him. It reminded him that he'd in an odd way enjoyed being a part of Papa Bear's inner gang. It had been the first place he'd really felt like he'd belonged. "How's life been treating you?"
"Running the pub and theater keeps me on me toes, but I love it!"
"Sorry I haven't called back before now,"
"No worries Andrew, I understand, it's hard," Newkirk understood, really understood, why had he put that distance between them?
"God, but it's been 7 years, fuck, 7 fucking years," And his voice started cracking, he felt like his insides were finally being ripped to shreds by the wolves that were always lurking in the corners of his soul.
"Andrew, no need to be using such profanities now," Peter's voice wasn't condescending, but his words were like a comforting blanket, like shelter from a storm.
Andrew had to smile through the pain. "I missed you,"
"Come out to Vegas, I'm coming all the way from England, I am, you might as well make the trek from whatever hole in the ground you call home."
"Peter, could you fly into Indianapolis? I'll pick you up from the airport and we can drive the rest of the way?"
"And be locked up in a vehicle with you for what 10 hours?" Peter scoffed.
"More like a day and a half drive probably,"
"I'll book the flight now, and Andrew?"
"Yeah?"
"Give Jamie a kiss for me eh?"
Andrew laughed, somehow feeling lighter than he had in years.
-HH-
"You're quieter than you used to be mate," Peter snorted, 5 hours into their drive.
"I get lost in my mind a lot, I'm hardly the boy I was back then,"
"I'd say not, 5 kids, you're practically a rabbit!"
Andrew rolled his eyes. "They are my only sunshine, them and Jamie,"
"What am I then?"
"A pain in the ass."
Peter laughed heartily.
Andrew smiled and they sat in silence for another while.
"Do you remember that time you brought that girl back to camp who was Gestapo?" Andrew broke the silence somewhere near Springfield Missouri. It was the first time he'd brought up anything about their mission since leaving Stalag 13.
Newkirk groaned, "That's what's on that bloody mind a yours Andrew?" His tone was a teasing one and Andrew had to smile.
"I was so mad at you,"
"You and all the rest a them,"
"I never understood why you could do such a thing. Until I met Jamie that is. I would have brought her back without a second thought if I thought she was in danger, Gestapo or not. So I should let you know I forgive you."
"Wow, what a huge heart you have," Peter mocked, smiling nonetheless.
"You don't wanna know how many times I've just wanted to bare my soul to her, but I just weep instead because I can't say a word of why I feel like shit inside,"
Peter sighed, he knew the feeling.
Every bathroom and or gas stop they made, Andrew used a payphone to call home and Peter gave him shit about it, but it was nice.
Once to Las Vegas, Andrew whistled low and slow, "It's so special,"
"Is that sarcasm, Little Deer Who Runs Swift and Sure Through Forest?"
"I have a daughter, I'm learning,"
They both laughed.
Meeting up with the rest of the gang was filled with hugs, laughter, and more noise than that lobby had probably seen in a while.
It was good for Andrew's heart to see them all again, but a sick tightness was clenching his throat and the world started going silent and he felt lost.
Suddenly he was back wiring the tunnels underneath Stalag 13 and the memory of the explosion that had killed thousands of what he knew to be innocent civilians coursed through his mind. His tears mixed with the dirt as he wandered the labyrinth, wondering if he'd ever be the same again. Someone was calling his name and shaking him, but it didn't fit with the memory.
"Andrew! Carter, snap out of it!" He blinked to find himself curled up in a corner with Colonel, no General Hogan crouched down next to him, concern shining in his eyes.
"I'm sorry sir," Andrew whispered, feeling almost as ashamed as when his kids found him in such a state.
"Are you ok?"
"As I can be sir,"
"Enough with the sir nonsense, what's on your mind Andrew?" The man plopped down onto the ground next to Andrew and he groaned. "Not as young as I used to be,"
Andrew had to smile at that, the Colonel, no General, definitely was more salt than pepper these days, but he guessed being governor of the American zone of Germany would do that to a guy.
"Carter, please don't tell me you're still agonizing over that last mission,"
Andrew sighed, "That's the worst of it. But I spoke my piece to you about it back then,"
"You're a great man Andrew, better than most."
Those words, from a man he saw as a father, really choked Andrew up. "Thank you sir."
"I'm going to let you know before I tell everyone else, but the mission is now unclassified,"
Andrew blinked oddly at his old commanding officer. "Are you serious?"
"Yes, I've been trying to work on that for years, and just managed to get my way,"
"You always do in the end," Andrew's response as well as his emotions were bittersweet. On one hand now he could explain to Jamie why he was such a disaster, but on the other hand, now she would know all that he'd done. Would she still want to be with him? Would she still be able to love a mass murderer?
General Hogan patted Andrew on the shoulder and smiled. "Could you help an old man up?"
The rest of the time in Vegas seemed like a blur. All Andrew could think of was how the hell he was supposed to tell Jamie everything once he got back? He desperately wanted to unburden his weary soul, but was that fair to her? Was it going to destroy their marriage? He hadn't felt so lost in a while and that was saying something.
The ride back to Indiana seemed like a lifetime and yet like it wasn't near long enough. Peter was going to be staying with the Carters for about a week before he headed back to London, so there was that.
The older of the two Carter children were more than thrilled to see 'uncle' Peter again and they had dragged him off to do their bidding within moments of the pair entering the house.
-HH-
"You seem tense, more tense than usual," Jamie sighed caressing her husband's jaw as he snuggled into bed next to her after all the kids had been settled away to bed and they'd left Peter with a beer on the living room couch in front of the television.
"Love you," Andrew smiled, taking her hand into his and kissing it tenderly.
"And I love you, more than anything," She smiled sadly. "I wish I could take some of the burden off of your heart Andy,"
"Would you ever leave me if I did something bad enough?"
Her brow furrowed. "My love, what are you talking about, I promised to be yours for better or for worse, and I take that vow before God very seriously,"
"I've killed too many people Jamie," And the dam broke within him and he started sobbing more bitterly than he had ever cried before.
Jamie started crying with him as she held his quivering body to hers and she sat there with him caressing his face and weaving her fingers through his hair attempting to offer what little comfort she could as he laid the entirety of his story at her feet, waiting for her to pass judgement on him.
It took hours, but when his story was completed, he found himself locked in a passionate kiss from the woman he now knew more than ever he didn't deserve.
"Now I can help you keep the wolves away, my love," He heard her whisper as they both faded off to sleep and Andrew slept better than he had in close to 20 years.
-HH-
I had this idea and have been working on it for awhile, I've been taking care of some veterans with PTSD lately and so, this is dedicated to all those left with emotional wounds from war.
P.S. Please keep my sister in your prayers, she is at boot camp and is asking for prayers! Thank you!