The Foink is back baby!
Justrying out some new catch phrases. I try to insert them where logical into the story. Im excited to coninute this one. I actually had ideas for it and where to take it, and i did it naturally like i didnt even have to makem yself think abou tit, they just came to me through out the last few days. thats the ideal experience i guess not really kasdjfn.
Coqwabunga dude!
Thats original you cant quote me ill bleep it out in your head when ever you say it
Time had returnecd to its normal speed. Stump was still ankle high in dirt, be noticing that time was moving again he turned to face the crowrd in front of him.
"Het srory something weird just happened to me, hard to ecplain-"
"I thought yo usaid you could explain?"
"No no no this is spemthing different. You know conversations are complicated, the nuances of human communication."
"Whats that sposed to mean?" said the fatther character is a heavy thick southern accent
"Like i- i shouldnt have eben told you something weird just happened to me. ugh. lok. the only thing thats important right now is that i explaiun to you why i was mean to your kid"
"So you admit it!" shouted one of the bystanders
"Hey I never denied it! I might be imperfect as a person but i care about being honest!" shouted patrick right back at the crowd
The crowd broke out in whispers and hushed voices.
"Did he just respond?"
"I think he just responded"
"How is that possible? What magic is this?"
";lok, hes going to speak again"
"Hi Im Patrick Stump And im here to day to tell you about kreug cups. Ever tired of making your own coffee? This is a coffe add for those coffee things. Thank you for your patronizge."
"Bravo! Magnifico! Vula!" the group of villagers jumped up and down in reponse. they were so happy. nothing could have made them happier than to hear that right at this exact momment.
Then simultaneously every single villager stoped jumping and went dead silent.
This freaked stump out a bit.
"Where were we mr. stump?"
"Wait hod do you know my name?"
"It says it right here in the fanfiction, i read it."
" oh duh obvious lol"
"lol"
"Okay so the mean to kid thing."
"Yes"
"so i think its prety obvious im not from around here right?"
"that much is clear."
THe crowd exclaimed quietly, quiet conversations about this new information. he really was not from around hereh.
"so i dont know... lok this is going to sound crazy but im going to spit it out okay?"
The father raised a brow at the tree stump. His son grabbing at his lucky brand denim jeans, hiding behind his leg.
"I can't really remember the last thing I remember. Like I was doing something somewhere for some reason, ou know as you do,"
"ahahahahaha Yes! YES! I Do too dothings as such!" the man shouted, raising his pitchfork in excitment.
Patrick grimased (demetri martin joke) and was quite for a sec but then spoke up again
"anyway... I must have been doing something, but the next thing i know im facing a wall."
"im sory but i must ask my good sir, could yhou clarify in great detil what this wall was like? please be descriptive and take care in how you communicate it to me." the father said in a pompice voice but he meant it genuinely and was for some reason being really considerate all of a sudden.
"uhm. like it was a reddish brick wall. well i mean it looked like it was supposed to be reddish but like it was painted onto i think. but it sort of seems like the sun made the dye blur? fade? that the word? its about a mile or two down the hill i just came from."
"his story checks out so far." said the boy
"Thank you son for your contribution to the scene." said the father
"anytime dad MY SHOES ARE SHRINKING!"
"anyway, go on" the father ignored
"no thats really it. its just like a brick wall or whatever. at the top there was some bushes bleeding over from the other side, like i got the feeling that it was the time of wall that was a perimiter around a really nice house, thats how big it was for sure, but beyond that it just sort of stopped before the hil became too steep and thats all i know. about the... wall."
The father closed his eyes and placed the pitchfork into the boys hands. The boy tried to grab the tool but was then burdened by the weight so much that he comically fell to the floor, classic cartoon slapstick. the tv audience laughed. thank you rost.
I DO believe they were on a break and I DO think
I have to pee hold up
he has returned. he is shirtless. my name... is dave. dramatic music cue
"hey dude doyou remember what we were talking about before the break?" said the dad
'really i dont know. i dont know why that is, its only been like two minutes tops" said patrick
"well how about we cut this mobbing short amd call it a day huh?"
"yeah man that sounds great, thank you do much."
"sure thing." the man turned around, his boy letting go of his pants while he was crushed by the weight of his giant shoe and admantium pitchfork. "its safe now! We call all go home and fisnish watching everypne loves raymond!"
THe crowd didnt ereally know if it was satisfied with how things turned out, but they quikcly all dropped their tools and torches and began to go back to whatever they were doing.
"hey, so whats you name man?"
"oh uh, its stump."
"stump huh? yo u look familair. do I know you from somewhere?"
"ahaha yeah the previous paragraph actually..."
"oh my god! youre! youre the guy from the previous paragraph!"
Patrick Stump smiled shylly like a fuckboi
"yyeeaahhh... thats me.. ;)"
"oh my god i ve been a hufge fan of your for like whole minutes!"
"wow cool man want me to autograph something for you?"
"how fucking dare you. i cant believe this. you were the guy from the last paragraph. the stump himself. But npw it turns out youre just a sflfish asshole being who offers their AUTOGRAPH? God im so tired of people like you. So much for giving you me lake cabin to rest in and watch ELR on the big OLDED TV." the dfather man said is great disgust
"no! No please! You have to understand! you just seemed so happy to see me! I thought mauybe i could give you an autograph and make your day even better!"
"you assume you can touch me? Well ive seen Cars and Ive seen Ford vs Ferarri A ND Ive seen Cars 3!
back in the atic babbeeee
"oh my god.. i... i didnt know..." muttered patrick
"yeah. so fuck off dude."
The father grabbed his flattened son by his one free hand. He walked away from stump as he dragged his boy across the dirt. The dirt print was floating slightly above the ground because the texture wasnt aligned correctly to the collision mapping. i know thats a really hard thing to pull off in games, i assume that becausei see it so ofte, but it bugs me. anyway they were gone now.
Stump came to and realized he had no idea what was going on. Even less so than just a moment before. Why wre things so strange? As though his focus would ocme into and go out of at any moment? Was this what being in a cartoon is really like?
Wanda and cozmo appeared for a breif seccond "anime" and then they vanished
"Really what its like to be in an anime?" stump corrected his 2d self (hes still 2d rn)
"Well... I guess I better get myself out of this dirt mound thing and start asking around."
he unferlled his claws and started scratching against the dirt where his feet were below. he tohught to himself, what was he going to ask people? how was he supposed to do stuff? did he remember the plot of his own story? is the author projecting? no. it couldnt be. He assured himself that he would remember the moment he walked into the bar to his left.
He finished clawing his way out of his foot hole. He stood up straight and rolled his shoulders, relieving some of the pain from working at the dirt.
"guess nows a better time than ever."
Stump fell flat on his face. He had cut up his feet so bad when he was clawwing that he bassic OMHG HE HAD STUMPS! HAHAHA THIS IS THE BEAURY OF STREAM OF CONCIOUSNNESS MY FRIENDS!~!
"aw man, i didnt see that coming." stump said examining his stumps. "good thing i learned how to walk on my nubs from back in nam."
Patrick god tupiugn hurtslasdijf
{Patrick got up one leg at a time, raising his arms to either side to find his balance. He was succesfully walking on the bottom of his legs no.w
"also good thing my blood and skin clotts and heals instantaneously. (from all that velevrity power) (that they dont show on tv)'
Finaly fully abled again, minus the feet, he walked over confidently to the bar. He swung open the saloon doors. The camera moved inside the bar looking out, just like a western movie. Then the camera cut the facesa of all of the poeple inside the bar who were now quiet and looking at him. Thry glared at his face, squniting their eyes. All of them seemed to be upset after seeing Fall Out Boys lead singer enter the building.
Patrick took a seat at the bar closest to the bartender. This is of no relevance to the story but the bartender was a grasshopper from Ants.
"What cen i geet fur ya boi?"
"ill have whatever hes having."
The grasshoper bartender looked aroudn and gestured widely.
"whooo thiii fuckkkk r yooo tolkin bout?"
"oh yeah i forgot to point at who i was thinking of"
Patrick pointed to a picture of a woman holding beer mugs on the wall.
'sir that iss a fotoggraaaphe"
"oh..."
Of course. He wasnt used to seeing things in 2d. The way 2d works inside of its own universe is concpetually diffucult to graps for the 3d and living. andy serkis gets it though, he got it instantly.
"so uh... shaaale I get uuuu beeer?"
"yes yes beer is fine."
The bartneder resisted the urge to insert the image of an animal getting its uders squeezed and having deer come out into the cups. You see the author realized he needs to hold back sometimes.
"Here you go. I got theeeese from below the tablee."
"Thanks batrtender man."
"any time swine."
Patrick took a big ass sip of his drink and his face was covered with foam. He was looking around the building now and felt really small. Then he realized that the town had grown a bit since he first saw it so thats probably why he felt so small.
"HEy! Youy!"
Patrick turned around, foam dripping off his chin
"... yes?"
"You were the one who started the commotion a few moments ago right?"
"uh yeahh.. that was me"
"awesome dide i love moving the plot forward"
"oh... okay."
"here let me help ypu out man. theres a witch who lives just outside the other way of the village. she lives in a swamp filled with mountain dew, you cant miss it. follow the clumps of gunk that float on the water and youll find her house. its beaten up and old but shell be waiting for you in there. shel help ypou out for sure." said the gigantic man who was just acosting patrick a moment ago.
"ohh... thanks... um/. who are you?"
"Im dave."
"okay."
That was the end of the scene.
Patrick put his pocket lint and coins on the bar table to pay for his drink. The bartender looked at him as thought he was stupid, a theme for patrick, and said
"if youre trying to pass that off as moneyyy sry i forogtt i talk like thisss iff your traaainn to pass off datt asssh moneeee youu bess t be off urr coookker"
PAtrick broke out into a heavy sweat. He forogt he was using real world money. So much of his behavior was dependent on his attatchment to the real world. Who knows how things like money would translate into the ninja world?
"oh uhhhh... sorry!" he paniced
"ayy dont let me friend her caz ya no harm. ill geet his tob" said the giant guy who now also rembereed he had an accent, but not recently like when he woke up in the morning and then a few hours later he lost it and now its backasidfu what am i doing! PLTO!
"oh damn, thanks man! dave was? it?"
"ye" he said in 3d
"nice to meet you dave, you really savwed my butt here."
"no problem mate. hav a good day. make sure you dont bring up any green in the conversation with the old witch yright?"
"oh..." and like that the salloon doors closed behind him. somehow he got outside but he wasnt going to question it.
"Well... guess ive got to mee this witch. i dont have any other leads." he thought
Patrick looked around. He saw the hill he came from, he saw the bar, and to his left he wsaw the main road where he had his mob face off. He was sure it was the main road as it was pretty big compared to all the other gaps between buildings, just like a western (again).
He began to walk down the road. He kept his eyes peeled the entire time. Examiming the world, noticing how wood panels loked so different in anime than it did in real life. Everything that was moving was in solid colors with black outlines, but everyhting that was stationary was faded in a way, as though it was water color.
"strnge."
Speaking of strange, the boy who was previously crished under the weight of the shoe and pitch fork had somewhow freed himself and ran up behind patrick. he kicked him right in the balls.
"AAaaHhh!" patrick wailed in pain
"thast what you get for being mean to me! and also somehow diverting attention from the scene and engaing in conversations elsewhere that seems to have had to reprecussions from previous engangements!" the boy shouted and ran off into the distant. patrick turned back as best he could, still in pain, to watch the boy leavce.
He could see in teh distan ce the boy was crawling under the shoe, which was even bigger now, and then promptly lifting the pitchfork and dropping it on his face.
A normal day in normalsville. Patch trick thought.
Once the pain had subscided, patrick shook his head and took some deep breathes. He got on his hands and knees and got himself up.
"where was i? right. walking. to the mountain deew swamp with a withc in it. of course. how could i forget..." he said sarcasstically to himself
He was walking for about hald an hour wondering when hed get to the other side of the village. To him it semed big enough for it to be cosnidered a city. anime is weird, he thoguht. he walked omse more, nand then walked some more.
Finally he reached a stopping point. He was too tired and ghunryt to go any further. He didnt have any other plans besides the witch, it was his only lead. desparetae, patrick screamed out "Wanda! Wanda come Out! I need a hint!"
Wanda and cozmo appear out of thin air just has he finished saying the words.
"howdy neighbor"
"hey..."
Wanda may have been in a good mod when she pioopped in, but it was apparent that patrick wasnt doing to hot for himself.
"damn patrick, you okay?"
"yes.. no... no? Im hungry and im tired and i need to sleep."
"ah the save point"
"savrep point? is there a save point around here?"
"oh no sorry i was playing kingdom hearts on my invisible google glass, i wasnt talking to you"
"oh... didnt they disband that research project?"
"yep, dont know why they didm they were making some good progress. I love this dev kit one im using, got 24kilobytes of magic installed and ive been playing through all the square enix games i can get my hands on. its great"
"okay..."
grasshopers making that sound
"did you meet the bartender?" wanda asked
"oh ahaha because of the cricketing right?"
"haha yeah okay you did, was he nice?"
"um yeah as far as i could tell, he didnt like that i tried to pay him in dimes but other than that seemed like anice enough fellow."
"you see. his wife died in a car accident. it was one that he caused. he inadvertantly killed his own wife patrick."
"oh um-"
"he killed his own wife patrick. do you understand? thjis isnt a laughing matter. he usually went to the store after work and drove home. but one day he just drove home and decided he wanted to waklk to the store instead."
"does this-"
" he walked to the store, got all of his food in a brown bag. it was raining. he put on his yellow rain coat, no umbrella. he was walking home [atrick. he was walking... home. he was careless. He went to cross the street, but stupidly he didnt look both ways. a car and its headlights balared at him. the car swerved out of the ay trying to not hit the poor hopper. he survived, and so did that driver. but you know hwo didnt?"
"the w-"
"the wofe patrick. his wife. you see she was in her own car coming from the pther way. she saw the man swerve to avoid hitting the man in the yuellow jacket and tryied to predict where he was going. sshe turned to her right, the other driver turned to his left, the driver t boned her car. he hit her hard, but not so hard that either of them should have died. instead, he had hit her car at the exact angle that would push her car off into a black pit of nothingingess, which happened to be shapred like a slightly bigger taxi than he cars size was. she died. because of the grasshopper bartender man. do you understand this patrick?"
"i dont know what that says"
"i dont oknow what to say so i just put blank spaces to communicate that i was qued to say something but i didnt nknow what to say so i was silent"
"okay. so what do you need help withj?"
"were just gonna-were going to ig- Right now im loking for some food and a place top sleep. im filthy rich so the thought sleeping amongst theese peasants makes me sick. and that sickness only makes me hungrier. you gotta tell me whats what."
Patrick was miming all this with his hands, pretending to poor tears from his eyes and rubbing his belly, hoping that wanda would get the message.
"dude. theres literally a motel right there to yoiur left man."
he loked to his left. she was right. it had really big lit up letters and signs. how the fuck did he miss it.
"oh... do you think they have food there?"
"fuck i dont know you go ask them! what are you a child?"
"hey man im going thorugh a lot lately-"
"shut it! dont want to hear it. wanda out."
Thats a spicey meataball! catchphrase insert to make good on my promises
"man what a bitch..." patrick got up off the floor (he was on the floor when he stopped wlaking a second ago becuase he was tired and hungry dont know if i mentieodn that so here it is)
Back on his nubbins he walked to the motel, steppin g onto the porch and then through the front door. little bells rang.
"ill be with you in a second!" said a ovice from behind the podium
"yeah yeah-"
"hi im here how can i help you" the woman sudden;y appeared in front of patrick, with either arm on his sides. she really did mean with him and in a seoncd.
"oh uh, little close for comfort there..." said patrick nervously. patrick had never touched a girl before besides when his moms bathes him after a concert.
"oh? should i be even closer?" the woman went into a full hug and overwhelemd patricks little boy brain
"eegad!" said patricks concious. he fainted. when he awake he was still int eh arms of the woman. she had kept holding onto him evne when he fainted
"how long was i out?"
"huh? i dont know you only came inside a while ago"
"no i mean i fainted how long was i unconciious?"
"uncnocsncous? i dontk know how to spell that. weve just been sitting here this hhole 45 minutes talking about different brands of bird seed. were you not wakwae this hole time?"
"miss please let go of me" patrick said sadly
he was both uncomfortable with her touching him but he also liked it because he had never been hugged before outsode of the time a fat woman form a circus fell on him
" so what can i do ya for?" the lady person front desk worker podium attnetnednant saaid buubbily
"i need a room and i need to eat. tou guys got food here?"
"we dont have a restaraunt but we have complimnetary rtoast and jam in the mornings for breaksfast asns we had a delivery service that can bring you up an assortment of items at any time of the day!" she said wihtout efeort
"aightl. tfine this is good enough. i need a room. just for tonight. and ill need ammenu."
"of course sir. and how will you be paying for tonights stay."
oh fuck h fuck i did it again! i dont have money in this world! my vintage collection of out of circulation dimes isnt going to cut it! patrick thought hurridely
"ive got it mame" said a voice from beinhd stump
"its you!" patrick explaimed
it was the big big guy from the bar that covered his tab
"i can pay for im. let me doet forya" said the dave? large man
"whatare you doing here?" asked patrick
"i was following you. wanted to make sure you were safe. you bein new an oll." dave replied
"oh... thats... i dont know how i feel about that." said patrick uncomfortablly
"itss fine mate ill leev ya be for nah, ay lady desk woman! make sure e con av anyhin form the menu! Ill leave yoa me card and u kno im guud for et" dave said with his accent slowly beocoming stronger with each word
"of course dave! sir im ready to take you to your room any time youre ready." said bubbly lady to feetless man.
too much? to much.
"ait c u latar maite av a guud on" said dave as he pushed open the fornt door, the bells ringimg becausei can remember my own details chekc me out hitler got nothing on me
i dont like that i put a hitler joke in ehre but thats the cost of stream of conciopisunesss wriitng "wait!" patrick exclaimed, reached to the giants back in hopes of stopping him Giant Dave turned back at stump, one hand stil pushing open tjhe door.
"qwwhen... when will i see you again?" patrick said romatically
"babeh. u kno im note lik dat. iv a famli. this is the last ull be sein of meh." dave said with a sad smile on his face "i kno u an i coul hav luved... haved chidlren maybeh. but is to lat fur dat mate. this is good by..."
Patrick screamed "no!" and lunged at the giant man. but in the blink of an euye the giant man was gone. already outside of the other side of the door. there was no way patrick could catch up to him now.
"sir..." the bubbly lady said with genuine concern in her voice.
"its fine. Im.. fine. just take me to myy room." patrick said with tears streaming down his face
"yes sir right away."
The lady picked up a laminated menu, and a card key. She said "this way" and walked up the tiny twirling stair case that was in the far right of the room. ptraick folwoed.
a few moments later:
"here is your room, 1211, please enjoy your stay. you can dial any number on the phone to reach me at the front desk. the phone only calls to the front desk so dont get any ideas mr wise guy." lady said "oh.. thank you." patrick said softly
Patrick watched as lady opened the door making way for him to come in. as he walked passed her and into the room, she handed him the menu and key. he grabbed them and said "thanks..."
"good night dir and enjoy your stay," she let the door close, slowly with that metal thing at the top.
when the door shut a ,mild clap came out as the room was sealed. like the doorway and the door were so perfectly fit together there was a suction sound when it closed, you know what im tlaking aobut? fffffpt. whatever
patrick looked at the bed. yese. he could confirm. it was a bed.
In his absolute misery he dropped the key and menu from either hand and broke out into tears again. he blindly stumbled to the bed diagonally. he was now face first on the bed. that was the end of this somber somber night. tomorow would only bring him more pain.
The End
of this chapter
gnight frens
11:02pm 8/28/21