WARNING MENTIONS OF SELF HARM, AND SUICIDE. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

Chapter 15: I'm..Alone

I cried ugly for a very long time. I don't know how much time has passed, but I cried until my face was all hot, eyes burning, and my throat sore from crying loudly. It got to the point that my head starting to pound strongly, and yet, I felt numb to the pain. I just didn't care even if Imma regret it in the morning.

I'm just tired.

Am I ever gonna get home?

Home…

Has time passed by over there?

Has time stopped since I arrived here?

Am I dead in my actual timeline?

I miss my friends from high school and from college. I miss the times that we had goofing off. Going out 11pm in the night to drink coffee at a 24 hours Starbucks as we rushed to submit our research papers in college. The times that we go on a random adventure to the local target during finals week because we got sick of staying on campus and tired of seeing the same people in college. The times that we didn't know the hell we were doing as we look through Youtube videos on how to make food. The times that we shoved each other at the front door of our professor to go ask our professor about our class assignment.

I miss their craziness and love. When I first had my eye surgery, they were willing to cook for me for a month and walk me to class every day for a whole month because I was walking around with shades and couldn't even use my prescribed glasses yet. When my home was too toxic to be at but I didn't have car, I miss it when they would randomly show up to my house

When my own family wasn't family and wasn't safe to be around with, I found my own family through the friends that I met in high school and in college. My friends' families took me as their own and showed me what it is like to have a decently functioning family. What is like to eat dinner together as family without demeaning and putting each other down. When I was finally able to live my life freely from the control of my family, it all came crashing down the moment that lightning strike us in the middle of the freeway.

I remember the times that when I was so depressed. I had slept over 16 hours without showering and eating, they would drag me out of my bed. They would throw some clothes on me, drag me out of my dorm to go off campus and get some ice cream because my depression got so bad.

The times that I had throw out of my step-father because he was about to attack me, and I was having a meltdown on the phone with my friends. Crying and unsure whether I did the right thing because my mother was gaslighting me, confusing me whether I made the right decision or not.

Even though my life was filled with many sorrowful things, I experienced many good things too. Blessed with these type of friends that are hard to find in this present time.

But…I cant see them anymore.

I'm alone.

I'm truly alone.

There is no one like me here, so who can I turn to?

I wouldn't be able to go back to my life

All of struggles to get my bachelor and master, find a job, get certified as a behavior technician, get a car and finally move into an apartment that I can proudly call my home, was it all for naught? Was it all useless since I am here now?

I don't know how long I was there, with my thinking getting darker and darker by the minute. The old urge to cut myself for relief came to mind, and that had brought me out of my dark thinking.

No ..no no no no no no !

I can't go back to that path again, it took me a year to not have the urge, and I won't fall back. I can't stay here. I can't trust myself being on my own.

Scared, I got up, and I threw the front door open. Lo and behold, Paul was standing there in his wolf form. His eyes were blazing silver, staring sadly at me. He whined he saw me staring.

Oh… he has been here listening this whole time. Gosh, I feel embarrassed.

Even though I was feeling embarrassed, I was also happy to see him there. I said, "Paul.. I..I'm still upset with you and I know I messed up too, but can you come inside, please. I..dont trust myself being alone."

The next moment, he was in front of me and at that point, I didn't care of his nudity. I reached my arms toward him for a hug, he let me embrace him, and I just sobbed even more. He was rubbing my back trying to soothe me, and I just let myself become vulnerable in front of me. All the walls that I created because I didn't want to get attached to this world out of self-defense and desperation of wanting to go back home, it all fell down.

He swooped me off from my feet, he carried me in one arm as he closed the door by kicking it backward with his leg. He cradled me as I was calming myself by listening to his steady heartbeat.

He asked gently, "What's wrong?"

I buried my face to chest, and I said quietly, "I…just got tired of pushing through, you know?..everything finally catched up to me, and I couldn't handle it anymore…"

I trailed off, unsure what else to say. But, Paul, he just waited for me to continue without pressuring me. He was being very sweet, and that got me teary again because it was, I needed at the moment. I felt I didn't deserve his support and love, so I cried again. He rubbed my back soothingly in circles until I said, "Sorry..I know I'm being too clingy at the moment."

Then, he gently pushed my chin upward to see him. I was hesitant because I didn't want him to see me with all puffy eyes.

With his silver eyes still dimming lightly around the rims of his pupils, I saw that he had a small frown in his forehead. He said in a soft stern, "Don't be, whatever it is. I'm here for you, Okay?"

Ah. It was what I wanted to hear. That reassurance and confidence that I don't need to beg for comfort, and my needs can be satisfied for once. As someone who tends to help others many times and being there for others, I tend to neglect myself. Then with my background, it is difficult for me to ask for help and to be afraid to ask for affection. Even with therapy, it is still a hard challenge for me to do, so I said with tears running down in my face, "I feel really alone, Paul. I miss my home, my friends, my life before I came here and there isn't anything I can do about it because I am placed here as the peacemaker. The chance that I may never return home is what hurting me, and the pressure of fulfilling my role, is overwhelming Paul I..I am not saying that I'm not happy to be with you. You're..being more sweet to me than I asked for."

Sigh. When I am supposed to ask for comfort, I am already trying to comfort him instead, so I paused a bit. People who had to gain affection from their loved ones tend to react in this way because we weren't reassured when we were young that whether we make mistakes or be complain, we are loved. We were taught that we were loved when we do good, so people like us tend to have high expectations of ourselves and struggle tremendously with our self-image. Unfortunately, we made our self-image based on what people said we are, and it took 3 long years to focus my self-image to be focused on how I personally see myself not others. Even though I slip here and there with going back to seeking validation from others, I still have my sense of self. Not as strong as I wanted, but strong enough to function and help others without being pulled down by their trauma. I guess that is why I was able to relate to Jacob so well because I had a similar experience.

Huh, is that why I was chosen?

I didn't get to finish that thought because Paul then said surprisingly, "I..we can't replace what you lost in your other life, but.. I promise that I..we will love you to fill that void, and you deserve every much to be loved as anyone here. You are sweet" He caressed my check "kind, thoughtful, compassionate "He chuckled "firm when you needed to be. I love you for you even when you have flaws because I definitely have some. And…My wolf spirit and I are happy that you still accept us regardless".

Oh, he just threw the love bomb on me. I was not expecting that at all, and I..I am not ready to say it back to him because I literally just met him a day and half ago. I don't want to say it just because said it, and also not when I am emotionally wrecked either. He deserves better than that. Anyone deserves better than that. Knowing that it was due to the imprinting, I realized that he already loves me but getting to know me the past day and a half, he was able to see why the wolf spirit adores me. That is why, he was able to embrace me more than just an imprint, but as me now. I was able to see the other side of Paul and many others who liked him from the series and fanfics, and it just makes me happy to witness it firsthand.

I said sadly, "Oh Paul, I do appreciate that you want to fill that void for me...but you can't. Not saying you aren't enough but, its something I have to do on my own. You can't do it for me." It wont be healthy at all, and it would become codependency and that is the last thing that I wanted. With the bunch of red flags of codependency in Bella's relationship with Edward, I really want to avoid going through that route.

I leaned forward and gave Paul a peck on the cheek, and I said, "But thank you". His face light up like a child who received a toy for Christmas, so it brought a light smile to my face. It wasn't even a moment later when he looked down sadly. Sensing that there was something serious he wanted, I hold onto him later as he walked to our bedroom. He sat down at the edge of the bed as I waited patiently for him to speak again.

He said, "I'm sorry. I let my wolf spirit's emotions and needs influence me. I let him surface more than I should've. Because of my insecurity with Jake, it allowed my wolf spirit to come forward more and hurt you. Being in my wolf form, I was able to calm down. I took the time to go grab your stuff at the Cullens. Edward read my mind, so he saw that Jacob left and how I treated you. Rosalie and Alice screeched over my ear drums, until Doctor Cullen's wife came with your luggage."

I was honestly surprised that he actually went to the Cullens house. Not only that, he referred all of them by their names too. Aw, he is making efforts. I appreciated that, but I also am concerned how Bella is going to react when she finds off that Jacob ran off. I frowned on that thought.

I responded, "I'm sorry too. I..overreacted and it wasn't because I felt scared of you. ..When you held me a bit too tightly for my liking, I. ..was reminded of something in my past, so what I was reacting to was that memory not you. You didn't deserve that Paul and I'm sorry...My mom..she was abused by my step-father, and they would fight a lot. He would grab her in the arms that would leave bruises and I would stand there frozen in terror, so..yeah..But thanks for picking up my stuff at their place..that means a lot that you're making effort to not be so antagonistic toward them."

Paul was quiet for a while. Probably not sure how to respond to that or was too tired to say anything else.

He said, "Okay, Let's talk more later. I am beat."

I said slurred with sleepiness, "Yeah."

He laid me down on the bed as he crawled to my right side. He was staring intently at me before he closed his eyes and whispered, "Good night". I cuddled closer to him. I also closed my eyes and said, "Good night, Paul. Sweet dreams" when the feeling of fatigue overtook me, fell asleep in his arms wrapping softly around my waist.

Author's Note:

Yas, we stan for a man who knows how to apologize, and take responsibility for his actions. Don't worry, he isn't off the hooks just yet. They gonna talk more in the next chapter. More relationship building hehe.

I know this chapter was pretty heavy. . Except the fanfic Body of Water and Bones, I haven't seen a transmigrated OC really struggle to adapt to the world of Twilight. Not saying the other ones were bad, but it just rare to see a fanfic to really go into details regarding that, so I wanted to show it.

How do you guys like Paul telling her he loves her? Too soon?

As always, reviews are appreciated.