"Come in", I say, immediately wiping my eyes.
"Hey it's just me", Nate opens my door and comes in.
"Hey", I straighten myself so I'm sitting on the bed.
"Dan went to bed, he has an early class tomorrow".
I nod.
"I'm really sorry about that, I know it wasn't easy", Nate says coming over to me and sitting down, the bed sinking on his side.
"It's okay, I just wish things with my mom were different but... they're just not", I say.
Nate gently puts his thumb across my cheek to wipe a stray tear.
"Her loss", he says quietly and I can't help the way my lips turn into a smile.
"Hard night though. I didn't want you to feel like everyone was attacking you", I say.
"No, no it's okay. I get it, I deserve a lot of it", Nate says, then switches gear and grins devilishly. "But I am in your room... alone with you, aren't I?".
"Hmm", I play along. "That is true. On my bed no less".
We laugh.
"I haven't been in your room before", Nate says and gets up.
I mentally pray I don't have anything embarrassing laying around. I don't want it to seem like a little kid's bedroom. It's not as lavish as Blair or Serena's.
Nate picks up a picture on my dresser.
"Oh my gosh", He cooes and I see he's looking at a picture of me when I was about 4 in a ballet outfit. "Awww".
"Stop!", I say playfully coming over to take the picture out of his hands.
"You're so cute", he laughs. "I didn't know you danced".
"Yeah it was short lived. I wasn't very good at it", I laugh. "Plus I was so shy, no one talked to me".
"I was shy too when I was young", Nate says.
"Yeah sure", I say sarcastically. "Everyone likes you Nate".
"Not everyone", Nate says, but I doubt it. Then Nate smiles. "Guess the kid will be quiet then... okay with me".
I smile.
"I've been wondering if it's a girl or a boy", I say looking down.
"Yeah, what do you think it is?", he asks and I lay down on my bed, him following.
"Hmm I don't know yet. I don't really have a preference", I say.
"Me too. Just want you guys to be healthy", he nods.
"I'm kind of scared for the first appointment", I confess.
"Why?", Nate asks.
"Well, they're gonna probably let me hear the heartbeat or see the tiny bean on the screen", I say, but Nate still looks confused. "It's like Lily said... if I hear it's heartbeat, I don't know how easily it will be to give him or her up".
I pause.
"I guess what I'm saying is I don't know whether to create a relationship with it in my mind or not... it might hurt more if I do", I sigh. I feel awkward getting it all out there, but it's been on my mind.
"I know what you mean. I can't imagine seeing our baby for the first time and then just giving it away. And for you, you're carrying it for 9 months, feeling it... I can't even imagine", Nate puts his hand on my leg. "It's totally normal to be scared. I'm scared".
"We'll just be scared together then", I say and he gives me a small smile and we lay there for a while.
"Jenny?", he asks after a while.
"Tonight when Dan didn't know how to refer to us to your mom...", he trails off.
"It's okay, you're not my boyfriend", I say. "I'm okay being whatever we are now".
"What do you want to be?", he asks.
Well, what do you wanna be? I think.
"Well maybe it's too much pressure to put on us right now... maybe right now we're just partners in having a baby", I say.
"You're right, I'm sorry. I definitely don't want to add any more stress to what's already going on", Nate says.
"You're not", I smile. "Seriously, you're doing just the opposite. I really appreciate everything, Nate".
"Of course. You're my... you know. You're important to me", he says.
We lay there for a while longer.
"Well maybe I should get going. Let you get to bed before school", Nate says and we sit up.
"Okay", I nod.
I wondered if Nate would ever stay the night. C'mon Jenny. I think. He doesn't want to be here any more than he has to.
He smiles and I remember the last time we spent the night together, the after part; the waking up in his arms part.
We walk to the front door and Nate grabs his book bag and sweater.
"I'll call you tomorrow? We can go to that gala if you want. Or stay home and eat pizza if you don't want to be around everyone", Nate says.
Oh yeah. Tomorrow's Friday night.
I laugh.
"I mean, we should probably make an appearance. Maybe everyone should know. I don't want to keep secrets", I say.
"Alright", Nate smiles and pulls me in for a hug.
We stay like that for a long time. Inhaling the scent of his cologne mixed with that Nate feel unique to him. But as soon as I feel that swirly feeling in my stomach, I pull away.
No use in making things complicated.
He smiles, before heading out the door.
I let out a breathe.
I fear things are already complicated, there's probably no way to stop it. But I'm not about to come clean to Nate about my real feelings for him. I don't want it to get confused with the fact that he sort of has to be here for the baby.
If there was no baby, he'd probably be with someone he met at Columbia right now. Or Serena. Or even Vanessa for that matter.
I go to sleep fast that night, my mind and body tired. My ballet picture sitting on my bedside table where Nate left it.
/ / NEXT DAY / /
Dan has already left for school when I wake up.
As I put on my school uniform I think about the gala tonight.
I comb through my closet to see if I have a dress. I always found it hard to wear something that measures up to Blair and Serena's designer gowns. But for an end of school present last year Lily had so sweetly gifted me a couple of dresses, saying I would need them if I was going to attend the Van Der Woodsen- Bass- Humphrey parties she regularly holds and attends.
I go to the back of my closet and pull out a short sequinned deep lilac dress that has a draping one shoulder effect. It was Elie Saab, something I could have only have dreamed to afford. I wasn't going to deny it, there were parts of the Upper East Side life that were enticing.
I leave the dress out on my bed for when I get home.
I grab a protein bar and manage not to throw up this morning, only feeling mildly nauseas as I carry my to-go mug of ginger tea.
While I'm walking to the bus my phone buzzes.
N: Have a good day at school!
I smile. Then my phone buzzes again.
N: Also if you're already on your way and only have one of those granola bars you like, you should eat something else too. Like a breakfast sandwich or a smoothie.
I roll my eyes, but not out of annoyance.
J: Good morning to you too. Alright, I'll stop somewhere on the way. Have a good day.
N: Good. See? I'm a good influence.
I laugh.
J: Oh, of course.
I do stop by a smoothie bar I often go too, getting a strawberry cream smoothie. And then I'm on my way into class.
Friday's are always more relaxed here luckily. I had a couple quizzes I could've been more prepared for but overall the day goes well.
At lunch I walk over to St. Judes to see Eric and Jonathan.
"Hey!", I say excitedly, seeing them. Sometimes I eat alone so they can have time to themselves, but selfishly I always spend Friday lunches with them.
"Hey mama!", Eric says jokingly.
I give him a glare.
"Did you tell Jonathan?", I ask.
"Yeah he did. I'm sorry Jenny, I badgered it out of him", Jonathan smiles.
"You know I can't lie!", Eric protests.
"No it's okay. I was gonna tell you today anyway Jonathan. But now you know!", I shrug and we go to sit on a picnic table just outside the courtyard of St. Judes.
"I didn't even know you and Nate were a thing", Jonathan says. "I feel kind of behind on the gossip since I was in Prague the whole summer. But Nate huh? Nice catch".
"Oh we're not really a thing", I shrug.
Eric rolls his eyes good naturedly.
"Okay Jenny", he says and him and Jonathan share a glance and then a laugh.
"Guys! C'mon. Yes we hooked up, but no we're not boyfriend and girlfriend", I say matter of fact.
"Yeah you're just having his baby", Eric says.
"Yes. It's a very mature arrangement. We're friends, and going to whatever is best to bring the baby into the world", I say.
"Well I commend you, Jenny. I'm sure it's scary", Jonathan says.
"Thanks. Yeah... it is. I'm still getting used to it. At first I just couldn't stop thinking about how there's something in me... like growing every day", I say.
"Yeah imagine something growing in your belly", Eric shudders.
"Eric it's in my uterus, not my belly", I laugh.
"Yeah, I don't understand female anatomy", Eric cringes and we laugh.
"Well if I keep the baby and don't give it up for adoption, you guys can be it's designated babysitters", I say excitedly.
"Eh... maybe. As long as it doesn't throw up on me", Eric says.
"Yeah or needs a diaper change", Jonathan says.
"Some help you guys are", I laugh.
"I will frame a picture of its first sonogram though", Eric says and we smile.
"I'm gonna tell everyone tonight, I think. Even if it creates drama", I say. "I know there's a chance I could lose it, but people are going to spread it around soon enough".
"Drama tonight?", Eric laughs. "Me and Jonathan are in".
"At least it's not on gossip girl yet", Jonathan notes and we nod.
I've known Dan is gossip girl for some time now and am happy to at least have the gossip girl rumour mill on my side, even though Dan doesn't do much but just send out what other people send in.
"Might be after tonight", I sigh. "But people will find out soon enough when I start to look different".
"Yeah... Jenny fat? I can't really picture it", Eric says and we laugh.
Finally I have to say goodbye and go back to Constance. I hate that I can't have classes with my only two friends here.
The end of the day rolls around as my teacher lets us go for the day half an hour early.
I get a text from Eric.
E: Hey, meet at my place at 4? We can get ready to go to this gala.
I reply.
J: Sounds good! Just gotta grab my dress and stuff!
I take the bus back to Brooklyn and pack up a duffel bag with the purple Elie Saab dress, a pair of nude heels, and my makeup bag.
I choose minimal accessories with just a heart necklace my dad gave me for my last birthday and some rings.
Just as I'm about to leave, Dan's on his way in.
"Hey Jenny", he says, coming in with his book bag.
"Hey! No Georgina today?", I joke.
"Ha-ha, very funny", Dan smirks. "But yeah in all honesty, I don't know what I was thinking. I can't get her to stop texting me now".
Dan groans.
"Kinda your own fault for willingly accepting Satan into your life", I joke.
"Thanks Jenny, very helpful".
I smile devilishly.
"Are you going to the gala tonight?", I ask.
"Yeah Serena asked if we wanted to go as friends. Apparently Carter finally left town. She's trying to be single right now", Dan explains.
Dan pauses.
"You're going with Nate?".
"Well yeah as friends I guess", I shrug.
"Jenny you don't have to pretend not to like him. You obviously care about him, right", Dan asks.
"Yeah I mean, he's the only guy I've ever even kissed let alone-", I say before Dan cuts me off.
"No-No! Don't need to know. Seriously", Dan protests closing his eyes and walking away.
"Sorry", I sing walking out the door to Eric's.
When I get to Eric's he and Jonathan are waiting for me.
I get dressed in the bathroom and start doing my makeup.
10 minutes and I'm ready. My lips a berry shade and my hair slightly wavy from earlier in the day.
I walk out to see Jonathan and Eric still mulling over suits.
"Okay guys how come I'm already ready? All you guys have to do is put on a suit and a tie", I laugh.
"Jenny a lot goes into choosing the right suit, it can't be rushed", Eric says and we laugh.
"When's the baby daddy getting here?", Jonathan jokes and I roll my eyes.
"I don't know, I've been texting him, so sometime soon", I say.
"You know Jenny, if you think about it, this is sort of your first date", Eric notes.
"Not really", I shrug. "We've hung out lots of times".
"Not in New York City social scene public", Jonathan laughs slightly and now I'm worried.
"Oh no, don't be worried Jenny. It's gonna be a great night", Jonathan says, sensing my response and I nod.
Then we hear Vanya come in.
"Miss Jennifer, Visitor for you", Vanya says smiling, bringing Nate in.
"Vanya, you know Nate", I laugh.
"Of course, me and Nathaniel go way back", Vanya jokes. "I'm just being mysterious for your special Cinderella night".
I laugh.
"Well here's Cinderella herself then", Nate says gesturing to my dress with a laugh. "Wow, you look amazing".
"Thanks!", I blush and joke. "You look very dapper, the usual Nate Archibald charm".
Nate smirks. "I try".
"And here are her fairy godmothers!", Eric jokes and greets Nate. "Hey man!".
"Hey guys, what's up?", Nate smiles.
"Not much...", Jonathan pauses. "Okay we know! Eric told me earlier. We're happy for you guys! No matter what you're gonna do".
"Thanks guys, yeah me and Jenny are still adjusting to it", Nate pulls me in to him. "We're gonna tell everyone else tonight".
"Yeah, I'm kind of nervous", I say.
"Everyone will be supportive, I promise", Eric insists.
We head off to the gala, as me and Nate get into his town car.
My dad and Lily are already at the event, as Lily was on the honourees board.
We finally reach the hotel the event is taking place at.
"We're here", Nate says.
I continue to sit, and let out a sigh.
"Don't worry Jenny, it's gonna be fine. We're not going to tell anyone until after anyways. Besides I'm gonna be by your side all night", Nate holds my hand.
"I know, I just feel like people are gonna judge", I say quietly.
"They always will, no matter what. So we may as well do what we want", Nate says. "And right now I want you at my side in there".
I smile.
Nate gets out and lends his hand to help me out of the car.
There's photographers taking pictures as we walk inside.
I spot Dan and Serena just though the entrance and am immediately relived.
Plus Nate's firm grip on my waist helps.
Here we go.