Robert took a deep breath as he stood in the mirror in the Captain's Bunk. Adjusting his collar and adding the bugles he'd missed so much. He didn't get nervous often, he was typically the definition of calm in the storm, but today felt a bit different. He didn't know exactly what he was facing, but using his wife's response as a gauge, he imagined a scenario where the rest of the team was also upset with him to some degree.
While he had no intention of apologizing for his actions, Robert could be sympathetic and understanding. Maya was one of them long before he was, he respected that. He just hoped they would see, he did what he thought was right. Months of forging relationships and becoming a part of the group had allowed him to experience friendship and camaraderie he hadn't felt in years. Robert knew he would have to say something to bring the group together. They'd had his back and his intention was to have theirs. He also knew something they didn't. The fight to keep the station open wasn't over. He checked his watch and headed out of the office, greeting the Chief just as he walked in.
"Chief McCallister," Robert said confidently. He shook the older gentleman's hand firmly and led him into the office.
Upstairs in the beanery...
"So much for team," Vic said as she filled her coffee mug, annoyance was evident in her voice.
"What's that supposed to mean," Travis questioned with curiosity from his place against the island.
"You saw them at the reception and they arrived separately today for the first time in months so clearly Sullivan did something. I mean how is it that Bishop gets demoted, Herrera gets passed over, again I might add, and he's got his old job back." Vic said matter of factly. "He's suddenly next man up when Herrera was next in line and he was still working his way back?" She was clearly upset and Travis was having a difficult time tracking her anger.
"Where's this all coming from," Travis asked a bit rhetorically. "None of us know what happened in those meetings. Bishop violated a direct order from the Chief, there was an investigation." He said.
"Exactly, none of us WERE in those meetings we just know that Sullivan somehow came out Captain and his wife is furious with him for it. Doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure out that he did something that..." Vic shook her head and didn't complete her thought.
"Okay, that may be true...but I think we can all agree his punishment was a bit harsh. I mean, Theo lost a firefighter on his watch and only got demoted to lieutenant." Travis said with a shrug of his shoulders.
"Seriously?" Vic said incredulously. "I thought we'd moved past that?"
"We have. Mostly..." Travis replied slightly chagrined. "But still...Sullivan didn't kill anyone."
"I second that." Dean said as he passed the fridge in the beanery and poured his own cup of coffee. Right away he knew what the topic of conversation was. "Look, we all know I was not Sullivan's biggest fan at the beginning of all this, but he's spent months making amends and we can all see that. He's also got the experience and a proven track record."
"Unbelievable," Vic said, frustration heavy in her voice. "What about 19 being a family? What about loyalty? Doesn't any of that matter?" She questioned.
"Doesn't what matter," Ben asked as he joined the group of three near the coffee pot. He looked around at the trio in front of him. "Ahhhh... let me guess. None of us are sure about Sullivan's actions and why if he did nothing wrong, his wife is mad at him?" Vic, Travis and Dean all gave Ben a surprised look. "What? I'm not clueless all the time." He said with a grin. "I say, we wait and see. Also, better him than an outsider."
"Morning..." Andy said as she entered the beanery. Taking one look at the group in front of her, she knew they were discussing her, Sullivan and whatever the hell was going to happen after today.
"Morning," the group responded a bit awkwardly, no one making eye contact.
Sensing the tension and seeing the shifty eyes, Andy took a deep breath and said, "Look, I know we're all a bit thrown for a loop with what's going on, but we all have a job to do. Sullivan has been our captain before, we all handled that fine. I'm sure this won't be much different." She tried to sound casual, but was failing miserably.
"Except you're married to the guy now," Jack said a bit obnoxiously as he brought up the rear. When he looked around at Vic and Dean's faces, he knew he'd said something he probably shouldn't.
"I don't anticipate any special treatment if that's what you're concerned about, Gibson." Andy said in his direction, rolling her eyes a bit. Just seeing him took her back to the unfortunate conversation they'd had outside the restaurant. She was going to have to address what she said, but that would have to wait.
Andy didn't normally wear make up on shift, but the puffiness and dark circles under her eyes required some help this morning. She didn't know exactly how long she'd stayed huddled on the floor in front of the door last night, but when she did get up, she skipped the search for dinner she'd been doing before Robert arrived and just collapsed into bed. Today, she was doing her best to keep herself focused on work, but her mind kept slipping to the man she knew now occupied the Captain's office.
The group was pulled from their conversation when they heard Robert's loud, "19" ring through the firehouse. It was time for line up.
Vic mumbled under her breath, "Here we go." And the group shuffled downstairs. To say they were surprised to see Chief McCallister would be an understatement, but they all did a decent job concealing it. After his lack of tact, with the announcement of Bishop being relieved of duty, they weren't expecting to see him face to face. He hadn't spent much time in their firehouse or with them on calls since Gregory had been in place, a big difference from the frequent visits both Dixon and Ripley made.
With no pretense, Chief McCallister jumped in. "As has already been announced, Captain Bishop has been relieved of her duties due to a grave error in judgment. In addition, she will be suspended for 30 days without pay and when she rejoins, will hold the rank of Lieutenant. For now she will remain at 19, however when a Lieutenant spot opens at another fire house she will be required to transfer. Is that understood?" McCallister asked rhetorically looking at each one.
A chorus of nods and yes, Sirs filled the barn quickly.
McCallister continued. "The truth of the matter is, she's lucky to still have a job as are all of you. With COVID the city's budget was reduced by almost 60% this year and every department has been tasked with budget cuts. 19 was at the top of my list to shut down, let some of you go..." He eyed the group. "And ship the rest of you off to other stations." There was a small collective gasp as he spoke but they regained their composure quickly. "I'd tackle a few problems in one fell swoop." McCallister eyed Miller contemptuously.
Andy stood in line with the rest of her team listening to Chief Mcallister's words. She saw him and heard him, but felt like she was in a daze. A sinking feeling filled her gut as he confirmed everything Robert told her. The Chief was planning to disband 19 and send them all to different stations. He could cut the budget and add experienced members to other firehouses which would make them stronger. 19 had been spared for now, but they weren't out of the woods yet. McCallister said he'd be re-evaluating his decision to keep the firehouse open in 90 days and any mis-step could result in a closure.
Things had been bad before, but she was sure they'd just gotten worse. Andy came out of her daze just as the Chief said, "You should be thanking Sullivan. If he hadn't made a case for keeping this place open, you'd be done." Everything Robert said was true. It had played out just like he said and she didn't believe him. She tried to find his eyes, but he wouldn't look at her. How could she have been so off base and so easily mistrusted him?
"You've got 90 days to prove me wrong and prove him right. I'll be monitoring everything closely and just know that if at any point over the 90 days something gets out of hand, something goes off the rails the first order of business will be terminations, transfers and a closure. Have I made myself clear?" Seeing that he had everyone's attention, McCallister excused himself leaving Sullivan with the floor.
Robert looked around to each person on the team, even made eye contact with Andy, but didn't linger. Back straight, eyes focused, confident and comfortable, he launched into the words he'd mulled over. "I know this might feel a bit awkward at first, it may take a little time to adjust, but I trust the transition will be smooth. It's been my honor to be a team mate of yours these past few months and it will be my honor to lead this fire house again as your Captain." He paused for a moment before continuing. "We have a big hill to climb, a big challenge in front of us, but I'm certain we will rise to the occasion and there is no group of people I'd rather be in this fight with than all of you. So, with that being said, Miller & Hughes, you're on vehicle maintenance... the rest of you, morning chores. Let's get this day started." After the group was dismissed, each person began milling about to start morning chores. As Robert headed back to the office he said, "Gibson. Herrera. I'd like to see you in my office, please."
As soon as Jack and Andy made it to the Captain's office, Robert began. "You heard Chief McCallister. He's looking for any reason to shut us down, but I'm determined to give him a long list of reasons to keep us open. With that in mind, I'm assigning each of you a special evaluation and analysis project. I want you each to review the last 90 days of incident reports, response times, our COVID response plan, inventory levels, maintenance, etc and look for any opportunities for operational improvement or increased efficiencies. We'll come back together in a few days and review our findings then come up with our course of action together. Understood?" He questioned avoiding eye contact with his wife. Standing behind his desk, with their height difference at play, it wasn't difficult.
"Understood," Andy and Jack replied in unison.
Jack on the outer edge of the office made his way to the door and exited while Andy remained standing in the office looking across to her husband. When Robert looked up from the file he'd just picked up, he realized she hadn't left. "Did you need something else, Lieutenant?" Robert said coolly. He did his best to remain neutral despite the ocean of emotion just under the surface.
Seeing Robert's composed display and feeling a definite chill, Andy decided against saying any of the things she wanted to... like I'm sorry, I miss you, when can we talk, please come home. This was clearly not the time. She didn't think it would have been possible to feel more deflated now than when she'd started the day, yet there she was knowing Robert had told her the truth and she didn't believe him. What did that say about the future of their relationship if they didn't have trust? And worse yet, it felt like Robert was looking at her, but not actually seeing her. He was so distant. "No, sir." She replied quickly before turning on her heels, Robert's eyes following her out the door.
McCallister had backed him this morning and though Robert had already decided not to apologize any further for his actions, he couldn't help the feelings of validation he had. At the end of the day though, disappointment still ran deep because the one person who he wanted to trust in him and believe in him, didn't. He avoided Andy's eyes as McCallister spoke, but he knew her. She'd realized pretty quickly that she'd misread things. Robert took some slight comfort in that, but it didn't change much. He shook his head a bit to refocus on the task in front of him, but was quickly interrupted by a call. "Engine 19, Ladder 19, Aid Car 19" Dispatch called out.
It was after 2am and Robert knew he should be trying to sleep. They could get a call at any moment so rest was precious. That knowledge didn't change the fact that he couldn't get his mind to calm down, so there he was thinking and staring out into the dark Seattle sky. It had been a relatively smooth first shift. Jumping into making the calls required no transition period. He slid right back into his role as leader, easily. The team seemed okay with how things went, him joining them at dinner seemed to surprise them, but it was enjoyable. Some things would change, but others wouldn't. He wasn't the same guy who used to sneak into the beanery for snacks and avoid meal time with his crew. He was reminded of this when Warren checked in on him earlier in the shift.
Flashback...
"So how's it feel?" Ben asked Robert as he entered the Captain's office.
Robert dropped the file he was looking at and leaned up against the desk before replying honestly. "Bittersweet."
Ben didn't need Robert to tell him that whatever was going on with Andy and the fact that 19 wasn't really out of the woods yet, was taking the joy out of his career being back on track. He knew Andy was driven and had been pushing to make Captain for almost as long as he'd been with 19 and even if it was the Chief's decision to ultimately put Robert back in charge, it had to be hard on her. He also knew Robert had spent a lot of time trying to make inroads with the team, so he had to feel some concern about how everything would shake out. "She'll come around and 19 always comes together...no matter what." Ben said wisely. It was a simple, but powerful statement.
Back to the present...
Robert was startled from his thoughts when he heard the door behind him open. It was late, so no one else should be up here, but when he turned around he was greeted by the one person he'd been avoiding talking to all day. Yes, they exchanged brief statements about work, commands for calls, etc. but nothing more.
When Andy opened the door to the rooftop, she thanked her lucky stars. She'd gotten up because she too couldn't sleep, but had no idea the person haunting her thoughts would be in the one place she felt drawn too. She knew she had to give him space...but this seemed like an opportunity too good to pass up. If he didn't leave...maybe, just maybe they could talk.
When Robert saw his wife approaching he had a quick thought to head back downstairs but something kept him in place. He turned back to the dark city view and breathed. He was tired and he didn't want to fight. He loved her, he was certain of that, but knowing that she was unsure about their love and unable to trust him fully made him ache at the core of his being. Andy stood next to him and looked out at the view. She was close enough to breathe in the smell of him and feel his warmth, but she didn't touch him. Remembering their fight outside Vic's parent's restaurant, she couldn't bear to reach for him and have him pull away like he did before. Silence hung in the air between them both for a long time.
"You were great today." Andy finally said. Thinking work talk was the safest route. "Decisive, confident, focused." Robert didn't say anything, but did nod as he leaned on his forearms against the cement ledge. Taking a deep breath, she added. "We'll fight and have your back. That's who we are."
"And you?" Robert asked quietly, giving Andy a subtle clue about one of his greatest concerns. "Will you have my back?" He kept his gaze straight ahead as he spoke.
Andy debated how to respond. She hated that it was even a question Robert felt he had to ask. "Robert, of course." She knew it was certain and declarative. Andy wanted him to feel confident that what she was saying was true. What she didn't account for was his response.
"Of course?" Robert asked in disbelief as he moved away from the ledge and put distance between them. Her words triggered him instantly. "You say that like I should just know it. Like you didn't just spend the last three days telling me I was selfish, disloyal and too ambitious."
"I never said you were selfish or disloyal, Robert." Andy defended as she crossed her arms over her chest and rubbed them for warmth against the chill. She knew she'd said some awful things over the past few days, but those weren't on the list.
"And you think it counts that you didn't actually say the words? You may not have said them, but you sure as hell meant it." Robert replied back quickly.
"What do you want me to say? I was wrong. I know that." Andy sighed in frustration.
"Yeah... just took you hearing from a third party that I was being straight with you. That I didn't do something underhanded or sell Bishop out." He looked away and shook his head. "It feels so good to know that in order for my wife to believe me, to trust me, she needed someone else to confirm it." Robert said.
"I do trust you." Andy said, trying to convince him.
"To run into a burning building after you, to take care of you while you're grieving, to cook for you, to make you laugh...to generally be your person day to day, but apparently not to prioritize you above my career." Robert ran a frustrated hand across his eyes and looked away. He hadn't planned for this and it was escalating quickly.
"Well, excuse me for thinking it's a little hard to see how the man who said he "would claw his way back to where he belongs" is thinking about little old me in meetings with the Chief." Andy responded quickly.
"Fighting to rebuild my career and throwing my wife under the bus for a title are two completely different things, Andy. How can you of all people not see the difference?" Robert asked in anger.
"You are the same person who said we couldn't be together because it would mess with our promotions and then passed me over for that same promotion. " Andy said, her own anger about the past bubbling up to the surface.
"Is that what this is about?" Robert didn't wait for a reply before continuing. "You've said time and time again that you've made peace with what happened and we both know, that wasn't totally on me." Robert alluded to Pruitt's role in his decision not to promote her.
"No!" Andy exclaimed. "That's not what this is about, but I don't understand why you can't see how frustrating this must be for me. This job, this firehouse has been my everything for years. I was running hoses in the barn at 7," she yelled as she pointed in the direction of the barn, "reviewing maintenance requests and filing incident reports by high school. I spent years helping my dad run this place and not getting any credit for it. And every single time I've thought, I'm so close to having the thing I want, I'm told to stand back, sit tight, that my turn will come, but not right now. And here I am getting passed over AGAIN and this time the person doing it is my husband!" So much for talking, making progress or de-escalating Andy thought as she finished her statement. She wasn't sorry though, what she said was long overdue.
"I'm not a mind reader, Andy. If all this time, this is how you felt. You should have said something." Robert said in a calm tone that infuriated his wife further.
"Don't put this all on me. The last time I wanted to talk about work stuff and our careers. You shut it down because you didn't want to fight." Andy said angrily. She had definitely made mistakes, but some of her anger was justified. She knew that. Looking at him she wondered briefly how it was possible to be so angry and yet ache for him so deeply at the same time?
Robert knew she was right. Weeks ago she'd said they needed to figure out the work stuff and he didn't want to. He figured stepping back, letting her have the limelight and following her orders was enough. He didn't realize all the other things that were still going on under the surface. "That may be true, but our situation is still the same. No matter what I've done to show you I've changed, you still see me as the guy willing to put my career above everything else."
"That's not fair." Andy said in an exasperated tone. This hadn't gone anything like what she'd hoped may happen if they could just talk.
"It sure as hell isn't." With that Robert turned fully and headed towards the door. Looking back he added, "And for the record, I'm not that same guy."
Watching the door close behind Robert, Andy growled lightly and clenched her fists in frustration. "Nice job, Andy. Nice job." She said, angry at herself. For a brief moment she thought maybe they might find some common ground but she was wrong. She was going to have to take a different approach, because it was clear they were both angry and hurt for different reasons. All of which made talking feel impossible.
A few days later, the A-shift, minus Robert, gathered for brunch at Maya and Carina's...
"Okay, so before we eat..." Maya cleared her throat and began.
"Not a speech...seriously." The group lightheartedly complained a bit.
"If you want the French Toast made by my hot Italian WIFE," Maya said with a huge grin, "you'll let me get this out." The group hummed and hawed a little before settling down. "So two things: First and most importantly, a huge thank you from both of us." Maya said and Carina joined from the kitchen yelling a thank you. "You guys went above and beyond to pull off an amazing wedding day for us and we couldn't be more grateful. It was perfect, it really was."
"We love you," Vic said with a smile, "And we're so happy for you and Carina."
"It was about time we had a firehouse wedding!" Dean exclaimed the rest of the group chiming in with their words of support.
When they finally calmed down, Maya continued. "Second, I want to apologize for how caught off guard you were by Chief McCallister's email. I thought he would wait a day to notify everyone," She rolled her eyes slightly. "I knew what was coming guys. I had been on his radar for some time and not for the reasons you wanna be...I didn't want anything to take my focus off the wedding so I didn't bring it up and I'm, sorry."
"It's so unfair," Travis said in a frustrated voice.
"Yeah, I mean can he really get away with benching you for saving a boy's life?" Dean asked. It was a bit rhetorical, but he couldn't help saying it out loud.
"Among other things..." Maya said ominously, "Look, I'm not gonna be a Debbie Downer here. I'm really grateful to still be with 19 for now. I have a few more weeks off then I'll be back. Fighting to keep the station open, right alongside all of you. I have no doubt Sullivan will get the job done and after these 90 days are up, 19 will be safe."
The group looked around a bit at the mention of Robert. Andy, noticing the awkwardness, got annoyed immediately. "Can you all please, please stop looking at me like that," she said, slamming her beer onto the coffee table harder than she needed to. She was tired of them looking at her funny, being nicer than usual, asking her how she was doing and the conversations that ended in hushed tones when she came into the room. All of it was making her feel suffocated.
"Relax, Andy. We're just worried about you." Jack offered with sincerity.
"We want to be there for you," Ben added in his typical dad voice.
"Look guys, I appreciate the concern, but I don't need it. I don't need your pity or sympathetic looks. I don't need you asking me how I'm doing or watching my every move." Andy stood up from her place on the sofa and continued. "And you know what, I don't need this." With that she picked up her cellphone and headed towards the door leaving a stunned group behind.
When Maya could finally pick up her jaw from the floor, she asked, "What was that about?"
"Her and Sullivan are in some sort of fight," Vic said, a bit confused about how Maya, who was her best friend, didn't know.
"They have been since the wedding," Jack added.
"It's bad," Dean and Travis said in unison. While Ben sat back a little stunned. He'd seen Andy emotional, it wasn't often, but he'd seen it. However, he'd not seen that before. Something told him that whatever was going on was bigger than just a standard disagreement. He made a mental note to check in on Robert.
As Maya made sense of the words they were saying, she instantly started putting the pieces together. She ran over to the door and just before hightailing it after her friend yelled, "Start without me!" And motioned towards the amazing looking food Carina had prepared for brunch. With her track skills in full effect, it didn't take her long to catch up with Andy as she walked down the street to her car. She hadn't made it too far outside the apartment building. "Wait up." Maya called out.
Andy turned briefly to her and answered. "Go back home Maya. I just want to be alone."
Maya reached out for Andy's arm, stopping her in her tracks. She looked at her friend and saw Andy was barely keeping it together. "Andy." She said, her tone softer and gentler than usual. "Talk to me."
"And say what?" Andy yelled. "That while you were telling me how inspired you were by my marriage, I was busy blowing it up? Or maybe you want to hear about how I accused my husband of throwing you and me under the bus to advance his career, only to find out he really did take action that saved our entire Firehouse." Rubbing her hand across her forehead in frustration. "And that's not even the worst of it...the cherry on top, the icing on the cake was when that same husband, overhead me confiding in my ex about how I wasn't sure I knew the man that I loved and that maybe it wasn't even love at all." Andy couldn't hold back the tears at this point.
Maya and Andy weren't huggers... that just isn't how their friendship usually worked, but at a moment like this, that was the only thing Maya could think to do. Wordlessly she pulled her best friend into an embrace and let her cry. She felt Andy's fragility, sadness and grief as sobs wracked her body. "It's gonna be okay," She whispered. "We're going to figure this out." When her tears subsided, Andy wiped her cheeks and swallowed back the lingering emotion. The two friends sat on a large stack of rocks lining one of the manicured lawns in the neighborhood. Maya remained silent for a moment, not sure how to relieve some of the tension of the moment. After a while she opted for humor. "Ugh, we need a pact… it's time to stop making bad decisions with Jack," She said remembering her own mistake.
Andy couldn't help the slight chuckle that poured from lips. "He's always there though...just like waiting in the wings or something."
"Well look, next time we're in a crisis... I call you, you call me... we call Vic. Something." Maya said with a light tone.
Andy pursed her lips and replied with a slight laugh. "Deal." She stared out into the street, unsure what to say next. It was mid morning on a weekday and there wasn't much traffic, but people were watering lawns, walking dogs and checking their mail. Taking a deep breath she said, "He hasn't been home in a week, Maya. He barely looks at me and won't talk to me unless it's about work. I know I messed up, but I don't know how to fix this."
Shifting gears a bit, Maya said thoughtfully, "You know, I think out of all the crazy things we've seen in this job, the big calls we've faced, the overturned tanker with the blue fire is still one of my favorite saves."
"Yeah," Andy replied back. "It was one helluva night." She shook her head a bit remembering how they almost didn't make it out with Warren, Hughes & the victim. The call that night was still one of her proudest saves as a leader. It had looked pretty bleak there for a minute, but they kept fighting and found a way.
"The average person, hell the average firefighter might have frozen. Might have looked at that nearly impossible situation and not known what to do, but you didn't freeze. You pushed and pushed, exhausting every single one of your options until you found the solution." Maya said with a smile and a look resembling pride.
"I see what you're trying to do here, Maya and I appreciate it...but I can't fix this with strategic thinking and fire knowledge." Andy said with a bit of hopelessness. "I was so quick to jump to conclusions about what happened, to mistrust him." She added.
"Do you know why?" Maya questioned gently. Andy looked at her with confusion not totally following the question so Maya continued. "Do you know why you were so quick to mistrust him?"
Andy thought for a moment before answering. "That's the question I keep asking myself over and over again. I know, better than anyone, that Robert's changed... I know he's worked so hard to become a better man, but there is still a part of me that worries he will always choose his career over me. Even saying that out loud..." Andy shook her head in frustration. "I don't know why I can't move past it."
"So, maybe it's good then, that things happened the way they did?" Maya posed. "Maybe you guys needed this to deal with whatever is going on under the surface?"
"Maybe," Andy considered thoughtfully. "I just... I miss him so much my body aches. I know I hurt him and there's so much I want to say, but when I try... we just end up arguing."
"Look, when Carina's visa was expiring and I was freaking out. You told me that we would be good through all of it. So I'm telling you, you'll be okay through this too. I know it probably doesn't seem like it right now, but you guys have already weathered so many storms and not given up on each other. We all say things and do things we don't mean when we're angry and when we're hurt...but you both love each other. It might take time, but you'll work through it. I'm sure of it."
"Maya, the relationship expert, returns." Andy joked as Maya wrapped an arm around her shoulder and pulled her into a side hug.
"You're also one of the most pushy, determined people I know. You never quit. So fight for what you want. Tell him you're sorry. Let him know how much you love him and that you're not giving up on you two." Maya said with a small grin.
"Thank you," Andy said genuinely. Their friendship had never quite been the same after Jack and the whole Captain thing, but over the past few months they were rebuilding and Andy was grateful for that. Getting up, from the place they were sitting. "Let the team know I'm okay, but I'm still gonna take off. I know they are concerned...there's just something I need to do." She added.
The drive from Maya's to the station was a short one. Knowing how much Robert had been working these days, it wasn't a stretch to expect him to be there. When she left, she didn't know exactly what she would say, but she knew she had to try. The last few times they had talked had gone nowhere quickly and as frustrating as all that felt, what Maya said was right. She couldn't give up.
Andy pulled open the station doors and was stopped in her tracks at the sight in front of her. She never got tired of looking at him. The blinds to the captain's office were open, so she could easily check out Robert's perfect form while he was focused on the work in front of him. Sitting behind the desk, her view was slightly limited, but she could see his well defined biceps in the button down of his uniform. Andy could also tell by the crease lines under his eyes, he was exhausted. Like her, he clearly wasn't sleeping that well and he'd been burning the candle at both ends.
She chuckled to herself thinking she was glad that he hadn't reverted to stealing snacks from the beanery and hiding out in his office again. At least she knew he was eating. Off shift, she'd had more take out in the past week than she'd had in longer than she could remember. Since COVID and everyone being encouraged to stay home unless your activities were essential, Andy and Robert had gotten in a routine of making most meals together. It was those small day to day moments that made her miss him even more. She'd found so much unexpected joy in their just being together. It was simple pleasures like how he was often up earlier than her and would bring her coffee in bed, how he didn't give her a hard time about being messy even though he was a total neat freak, how he would pull her into a hug or kiss her forehead when they were just milling about the house or their spontaneous dance parties in the kitchen.
Standing there she couldn't help but think of the first time she'd barged into his office and the conversation that followed. They'd acknowledged their friendship, admitted that opening up to people wasn't something easy for either of them, but with one another it had been. She brought him food and forced him to share a meal with her. Their conversation had been easy, comfortable and just felt right. Robert had caught her off guard by putting some of his cards on the table.
Flashback...
"Kat told me she wanted to join Seattle FD because of what she saw all of us do in the skyscraper fire. I feel like she's kind of the one bright spot that came out of that whole thing." Andy said with an optimistic smile as she ate her spaghetti.
"There's other bright spots," Robert said, cutting into a meatball. "You made it out alive. I think that qualifies." He added in a logical, confident tone.
"Mmm...that night also ruined my prospects as Captain of 19, but that's another conversation." Andy said lightly and dismissively, but it was evident she was still bothered by it.
Looking downward, in the neighborhood of nervousness, Robert said, "That's also how you got me." At his words, Andy looked up and searched for his gaze. As he continued, their eyes found each other and he added, "Could that be a bright spot too?" In that moment, staring into one another's eyes, they both knew something had shifted between them. It wasn't long after this that Andy knew she felt more than just friendship for Robert despite it being against the rules.
Back to the present...
Andy remembered leaving that day with feelings that she couldn't name, but eventually would grow into love. Rubbing a hand over her eyes, she turned on her heels and quickly exited the foyer. Hoping that Robert hadn't seen her there. She wasn't ready. Hurrying back to her car, she realized she still didn't have the words to say what she wanted. And to be honest, she felt too emotionally raw and exhausted to fight. She hopped in her car and headed towards their empty apartment.
Robert looked up and saw Andy's small frame just as she was making her quick exit through the station doors. He wondered briefly what she was doing there, A-Shift had left hours ago at that point. He'd been staring at an open file for who knows how long, not absorbing the information, just re-reading it. His focus was shot. Between what was going on with Andy, not sleeping enough and working more OT than he had in years, he knew he was tired.
He longed for the routine of the past couple months. Get off shift, go home with his wife, make love, nap, cook some sort of meal... He missed her. He also still couldn't make sense of how something like this could happen to them after everything they'd been through so far. He trusted her completely, how was it that she didn't? He was certain of his love for her, but she wasn't? He knew he had questions and the problem was, she was the only one who had the answers. Maybe it was time to hear her out? To get over himself a bit and just listen to where she was coming from. He wasn't blind, he could see just how much this was affecting her. Despite her attempts to put on a strong front, she was clearly having a hard time, just as he was. Robert sighed, closed the file in front of him and got up from the desk. It was time to call it. He needed to get a real meal and some quality shut eye.
That next evening...
Robert and Ben sat on the patio in the Bailey-Warren backyard. After Andy's meltdown after shift at brunch, Ben had texted Robert to check in. Maya and Vic were keeping an eye on Andy and he wanted to do the same for Robert. They hadn't officially discussed things and Ben knew from first hand experience sometimes you needed a friend to push you to open up. Travis and Dean had done that for him. Ben insisted Robert come over for dinner the following night. It was the perfect summer evening in Seattle; low-seventies with a breeze. They shot some hoops with Tucker and Joey, Ben threw steaks on the grill and they relaxed. Miranda had prepped the sides and joined them for dinner out back, but knowing a little of what was going on, wanted Ben & Robert to have a chance to talk so she'd gone inside to relax a bit and enjoy the quiet while her boys were occupied.
"You have a beautiful family, Warren." Robert said with a wistful smile on his face.
"Thank you," Ben said with pride. He was silent for a moment before deciding it was time to go for it. They needed to talk and the night wasn't getting any younger. "So...when are you going to pull your head out of your ass and go home."
Robert choked on the pull of beer he'd just taken. "I'm sorry, what?" He said.
"You're working OT, working out a ton and sleeping at the station. Been there. Easy pattern to spot." Ben said, taking a swig of his own beer and looking over at his friend. They were an unlikely pair. With Robert's actions due to addiction costing Ben the PRT it would seem they were destined to be at odds, but things had changed. "You wanna tell me what's going on?"
Robert was quiet as he scratched the side of his face and took another drink. He hadn't expected Ben to be so direct, but he'd suspected that maybe he wanted to talk. He was very insistent on dinner. "It's complicated." He finally admitted.
"Relationships always are." Ben replied back plainly.
"I've worked hard to make amends to rebuild trust, but when everything happened with the Chief, Andy was still quick to assume I sold out Maya and even her to get the Captain's job back." Robert said. "We fought about it...both said things we can't take back and now...now I don't know where we stand." Robert said with a shrug of the shoulders.
"But you love her. That hasn't changed." Ben replied back a little confused.
Robert went silent for a moment as he thought about just how transparent he wanted to be. He didn't do the whole feelings thing very well. With NA and Richard, he was better at it, but it often still felt as uncomfortable as a root canal. He looked over at Ben briefly, then back out into the yard where Tucker and Joey were still shooting hoops. "Of course I love her. But what if things have changed for her?" He said mostly rhetorically. He didn't actually expect Ben to have an answer.
Ben didn't respond right away. He heard what Robert wasn't saying. The fear and the concern he had that maybe something had broken them beyond repair. He didn't need the details to know that whatever happened, the man sitting next to him was seriously worried that his marriage wouldn't recover. Cautiously, Ben began. "Well...I think if something had really changed for Andy...if whatever was said during this fight was true, she wouldn't be quite so miserable." He rubbed a hand over his cheek and added. "She's sad and doing her best to be normal, but she's not okay. We can all see it."
"I guess that makes two of us." Robert said, acknowledging Ben's words. Two people who didn't care so deeply for another another wouldn't be so unhappy and upset at the prospect of not being apart.
A short while later, Miranda rejoined them on the back patio with a glass of red wine in hand. "Robert, I made up the guest room for you." She said casually.
Robert looked a bit taken aback, "Oh, no, I couldn't..." He said.
Miranda cut him off. " You can and you will. I insist." She gave him the classic Bailey look that said don't argue with me.
"It's not worth fighting it. She'll win," Ben said with a laugh and with that he got up from his lounge chair and pulled two fresh beers out of the cooler. The three of them continued light conversation and watched the boys a while longer before heading in and winding down for bed.
The next morning...
Robert did his best to take his large 6'4 frame down the stairs and out the door as quietly as possible. It was barely 5:30am and the house was still quiet. Just as he reached the front door, he heard a voice behind him.
"No you are not going to slip out of my house like a thief in the night or a man doing the walk of shame," Miranda said with a hand on her hip.
Robert caught sight of Miranda, petite in stature, but no less a force to be reckoned with. Her hair was pinned up and she donned a fuzzy robe with slippers, but that didn't change the fact that she was a boss, used to giving orders and having people respond. He had so much respect for that. "Oh...I...Well..." Robert stammered a bit trying to explain that he was just going to get into the Station early, but was a bit tongue tied.
Miranda smiled to herself as she watched Robert squirm. Taking pity on him she said, "Coffee?" Not waiting for his response, she pivoted and headed back toward the kitchen with Robert in tow.
"Thank you," Robert said as he accepted the steaming cup of coffee and took a seat at the island across from Miranda. "Early riser?" He questioned.
Miranda leaned against the counter and looked across at Robert. Taking a sip of her coffee, she answered. "The boys are...ah...rowdy." Chuckling a bit, she added. "It's one of the only times the house is quiet."
Robert nodded remembering their energy from the night before. "You've done great with them." The look on his face was hard to name, longing maybe.
"Mmmm...thank you. I couldn't do it without Ben though. He makes this family work." Miranda said thoughtfully. "Maybe you'll have some of your own one day?"
"Maybe..." Robert said as he took another sip. He was clearly in thought.
"You know, Robert. I like you...and I don't say that to a lot of people." Miranda said. "You remind me of...me." She smiled inwardly.
"Is that so?" Robert replied back slightly amused.
"You're focused, driven, straight shooter, big heart. You care a lot even when it doesn't seem like it, but you're also stubborn and have a hard time asking for help which I can relate to as well." Miranda said plainly.
"You're good at reading people." Robert said directly, acknowledging the accuracy of her words. He liked Miranda and felt comfortable with her. Perhaps, because they were similar in many ways.
"We're kindred spirits..." She said, "That's also why I think I can shoot it to you straight."
Robert gave her a curious look, unsure of where she was going, but said, "Okay."
"Being stubborn helps us in our jobs. As a surgeon in an operating room I have to be relentlessly focused and unreasonably determined because I am literally holding someone's life in my hands. And in a split second, if something goes wrong, that person is counting on me to save them. It's the same for you when you're running into fires and putting them out. Sometimes it takes being stubborn as hell and not giving up even when it looks impossible. The problem is that stubbornness doesn't always serve us quite so well in our personal lives." Miranda looked across at Robert to see if he was tracking with her and he was. "Eventually you get into a situation where in order to move forward, someone has to concede. And when you feel wronged or valid in your anger it can be hard to move past all that." Miranda said.
"So you think I'm stubborn, huh?" Robert said a bit amused that not only had Miranda assessed him correctly, she actually had the guts to tell him. Not many people did that.
"You sleeping in my guest room instead of at home with your wife kind of gave you up." Miranda said gently. When Robert didn't reply right away, she added. "No judgement. I've been married for a long time. It's beautiful and amazing...it's also messy, frustrating and hard."
"So what's your secret? You and Warren seem to have it figured out?" Robert inquired genuinely.
Miranda laughed and when she finally got her wits about her said. "There's no secret, Robert. Ben & I argue and fight just like every other married couple out there. We also love each other a lot, we keep talking even when it's hard, we tell each other the truth, we commit to working on ourselves and we just don't give up." She nodded her head a bit as she spoke.
"Easier said than done," Robert said with a heaviness.
"Relationships aren't easy, but when you find the one, the person you love more than anything, the person you can't imagine doing life without...the work is always worth it." Miranda said in a warm, encouraging tone.
A day later…
They had just wrapped another 24 hour shift and Robert had thought a lot about what both Ben and Miranda said. He knew he could be stubborn, especially when he was hurt or felt like he was right, but he also knew he was going to have to let it go if he and Andy were ever going to get back on the same page. It was obvious they both had reasons to be hurt and angry. From their most recent conversations, it was evident that there were some cracks in the foundation of their relationship that allowed them to end up where they were at. And if he was being honest, he could admit that he was scared. What if they talked and really couldn't get past where they were? The thought of losing the woman he loved, the prospect of a future without her in it, felt impossible to face.
Andy intentionally took her time showering and changing into her civies after shift. She wanted to wait out the rest of the crew and finally do the thing she hadn't had the words or courage to do a few days before. Making her way down the station stairs, she didn't stop to take a breath or pause, she wouldn't give herself any potential out. Seeing Robert leaning against the standing desk through his office blinds, she put her hand on the door handle and barged in. "It's fine if you don't want to talk to me right now. That's okay, but you do have to listen." She said in a voice that trembled slightly, her nerves obvious.
Robert gave her a look that said, "Oh really", but he didn't protest. Instead he dropped the file he'd been holding onto the desk and moved to a full stand while slipping his hands in his pockets.
Andy continued, "You get to be mad at me, I know I hurt you and I am so sorry. I don't know why I have such a hard time trusting when it comes to work stuff...that's for me to figure out, but I do know you've worked hard to do things differently." Shaking her head a bit in frustration. "I also know that facing the reality of losing you, of losing us, makes me ache in a way I never have before. I know that I can't imagine a future without you in it and when I see you, I see forever." She took a deep breath and returned Robert's gaze. He still hadn't said anything and though she knew he was a master at hiding his emotions, it was throwing her for a loop that she couldn't tell exactly what he was thinking at that moment. But it also made her feel a bit defiant. Andy squared her shoulders, tilted her head a bit and put her hand on her hip. "So here's the deal... I'll give you the time and space you want, but just know, you're not getting rid of me. You're not pushing me away. I won't give up, because I do love you. And you might not want to hear that, but it's the truth. I'm your person and you're mine. I can't lose you. I won't and I will do whatever it takes to fix this."
Robert's eyes softened at her words, but he managed to keep any sort of smile from forming on his lips. He could tell her apology was genuine and he wasn't surprised by her defiant attitude - it was one of the things he loved most about her. That determined look she got on her face when she was going after something. All that in mind though, it still didn't change where they were. She admitted that she didn't trust him in some ways and despite her declarations that she did in fact love him, he couldn't help but replay her conversation with Jack over and over in his head. He didn't know how to move past all that. "I don't know what the solution is, Andy." He said honestly. "I don't know how to unhear what I heard or what to do with the fact that you don't trust me to put you first. I don't know how to fix that."
Seeing Robert's defenses come down made Andy feel hopeful. This was the first time in days she'd seen him look at her with an expression other than pained. Maybe they were making progress? Maybe they could finally talk and not fight. "Then come home. Let's figure this out together." She said holding back the desperation she felt from her voice. Yes, she'd said she would give him space...if that's what he wanted, but she knew it would be impossible for them to work through the problems in their relationship apart from one another.
Robert saw the longing in Andy's eyes and it mirrored what he felt on the inside. He wanted to go home. He wanted them to just move beyond what was going on, he also knew that in the past it hadn't worked. He was certain that if he just came home, they would fall back into old patterns, things would be fine for a while and eventually something else would come up. "I can't..." He said, hating the look on her face as he said it. "You and I both know, if I do that nothing will change. I'm sorry, I..."
"I miss you." Andy said tiredly, interrupting him. "So much, I can't breathe sometimes."
Robert was silent for a moment as he took in the sight of his wife. He knew how she felt. He missed her too. "I don't want to be away from you, Andy. I go to sleep every night thinking about you, I wake up thinking about you." His voice was low and you could hear his exhaustion. "I see you on shift and it takes every bit of self control I have not to grab you and kiss you and just be done with this all." He shook his head a bit in defeat.
"So do it, then." Andy dared. "Kiss me and let's make up." She added earnestly. When Robert didn't move, she took matters into her own hands and closed the distance. Reaching up, Andy's hands framed Robert's face and she pulled him into an all-consuming kiss. Instinctively, his arms dropped to her waist and he couldn't resist melting into her embrace. It had been just over a week, but it felt like a lifetime since they'd last been in each other's arms.
Andy nibbled the corners of Robert's mouth and urged his lips apart. Sliding her hands behind his head to hold him in place, she kissed deeper, melding her tongue with his. With each pass she grew more desperate to memorize the taste of him and feel of his lips on hers. Something deep within her said this would amount to nothing. They'd always had heat, always had passion, always wanted each other. This was a pause, a time out, a way to hit the pressure release valve and remind each other of the intimate connection that was undaunting between them even in the most turbulent moments in their relationship. This knowledge, though upsetting, didn't stop her. Andy kissed her husband with reckless abandon, opening to him, offering herself up as a gift and letting him take what he wanted.
The frostiness of Robert's demeanor thawed quickly and he grew more and more intoxicated with each brush of Andy's lips on his. Longing for her swelled in his belly and he let himself get lost in the feeling of their lips being pressed together after so much time apart. He returned her kisses with equal fire and desire. The heat from her soft pliable body drilled into him. His senses were overwhelmed and all rational thought was left behind. Before he knew it, his hand snaked under Andy's light sweater and he stroked the skin of her bare back. When Robert's hand connected with her skin, every nerve in her body fired with electricity. Eyes shut tight, an involuntary moan escaped Andy's lips as she breathed, "Yes," in between kisses.
They kissed until they couldn't breathe, both savoring the moment. Robert, gathering everything ounce of will power he possessed, pulled away and rested his forehead against hers. When Andy's eyes finally opened and found her husband's she knew the words he would speak before he couldn't even get them out. Moving out of his grasp, she heard him say, "Andy, I..."
Throwing a quick look at him as she reached the door, Andy finished his thought "...still need more time..." Refusing to let her emotions get the best of her right now, Andy hastily exited the Captain's office just as quickly as she'd barged in.
Preview for the next chapter…
"You have a fever," Robert said gently. He didn't need to take her temp to know she was feverish. On top of her very warm forehead, from what he could see, Andy donned one of his oversized zip-up hoodies and was still shivering a bit under the covers. He got up from the edge of their king sized bed and walked the short distance to the bathroom, returning with a thermometer in hand. Scanning her forehead quickly, he said. "101.8. Have you taken any Tylenol?"
Andy shook her head slightly, "No...I planned to..." Her voice trailed off a bit. What she didn't say was that she felt like death and wasn't sure she trusted herself to make it from the bedroom, downstairs to the medicine cabinet in the kitchen because she felt weak.
Robert pressed his lips together in a straight line, knowing she felt significantly worse than she was letting on. "Okay." He replied quietly. "Be right back." He started heading towards the door.
Before Andy could stop them, she blurted the words out. "But you're mad at me."
Robert turned around, offered a gentle smile and ran his thumb down the side of her cheek. "Mad at you, fighting with you, not sure where we stand...you're still the woman I love, Andy. You're still the woman I love."