Thank you so much for all the love for this story and your patience waiting on the update! Dedicating this chapter to Tee who is working so hard to get us all an update for WWY! We can't wait to read it. Hope you enjoy the update! XO, Reddixon
It was before sunrise when Robert was pulled out of sleep. He was more comfortable than he wanted to admit with Andy's warm, naked body tucked up against his. Her back to his front, one leg between hers and his arm draped comfortably over her waist.
When she'd shown up on his doorstep a couple mornings ago, he felt like he was dreaming and the two days they'd spent in his apartment afterwards had been better than anything he'd imagined. Ridiculously amazing sex, easy conversation, take out and just reveling in the feelings of finally being together after so much time. He knew he'd had it bad before, but now there was no scenario he could picture where she wasn't in his life.
Because it was still so early and he was seemingly wide awake, he made a mental list of things he could get up and do. Go for a run, get some coffee and tackle the mass of emails he'd come to expect for Monday mornings, but for some reason he couldn't get himself to move. When her voice pierced the silence, he smiled immediately.
"Stop overthinking things," Andy said, sleep was thick in her voice.
"I'm not," Robert said honestly. He knew how they both felt and while they hadn't made many plans for the future that weekend, they had both agreed to do whatever it took to be together. "Just debating, I guess... get out of bed and go for a run or stay and savor..."
Andy grinned and pressed her ass up against his morning wood, teasing him. "I'd think savoring was the obvious choice." She took the hand of the arm resting across her waist and pressed it to her breast.
"You're bad." Robert whispered against her neck as he squeezed gently. Pushing her hair to the side, he placed kisses on the column of her neck.
Andy felt her body flush with heat in response to Robert's kisses. "You like it," she whispered as she turned her head ever so slightly and caught his bottom lip between her teeth before kissing him. His hand grazed her thigh with a firm pressure that sent electric pulses to her core. When he pulled her top leg up over his, she was completely open to him.
Robert groaned, feeling just how ready for him she already was as his fingers skated across her center. He teased her tight bud, pressed one finger inside her slick heat, then another. Feeling Andy's hips grind against him, he knew what she wanted. Gripping her thigh, he slid home. "Jesus, Andy." He breathed into her neck, their bodies barely moving as the feeling of her tightness overwhelmed him.
Andy shivered from the sensations Robert was creating in her body. With each stroke, he was sending her higher and higher. It wasn't long before they were a blend of heavy breaths, sweaty limbs and all-consuming desire. Andy's body went stiff and her back arched. "Robert," She moaned breathlessly as she came. Just as Robert was about to follow her off the cliff into an earth shattering climax...
Robert grumbled a string of curse words into his pillow and groaned in frustration. His mind drifting back to the dream he'd just been pulled out of, moments ago, by the buzzing of his alarm. Memory was more accurate, but either way...his morning semi was an official hard on, the bed next to him was empty and to say he was frustrated was an understatement. He knew taking some space was for the best, but dammit...this was torture. On a different morning, he might take care of himself, but not today. Today it would be another cold shower he thought to himself as he kicked back the covers on the hotel bed and made his way towards the bathroom.
MEANWHILE...
"Can't you just tell me what's wrong with me?" Andy questioned in front of her laptop. The idea of therapy was weird enough, but the fact that she was looking at a stranger through a screen and supposed to be opening up to her, felt even more awkward. Unfortunately, with COVID still a thing, virtual therapy was all that was available at this point. She took a deep breath and tried to move through the feelings of anxiety that were anchored deep in her gut. This felt like walking across hot coals...but also strikingly necessary.
Dr. Trish Graham smiled a bit at the woman in front of her. She'd come across Andy's type before. It wasn't surprising since she was a first responder. She was used to facing a crisis head on, running toward the fire, working the problem and getting to an outcome quickly. "That's not exactly how this works," Dr. Graham replied gently.
"I'm not trying to make this difficult, I just..." Andy's eyes watered a bit and her voice trailed off. She hadn't anticipated crying with a stranger, but she had shed more tears in the last two weeks than she probably had in her entire lifetime. "I love my husband and I know that if I can't make sense of what's going on with me, why no matter what he's done to show me I can trust his intentions, I still assume the worst... I'm going to lose him."
Dr. Graham nodded a bit listening to every word Andy said and hearing the emotion in her voice. "I appreciate your honesty and you are already on the right track. Trust is a complicated emotion, Andy and it's normal to be where you are. The first step to any resolution is acknowledging that there is something going on. So today, I'll ask you a few questions to get us peeling back the layers. And we'll take it from there. How does that sound?"
Andy rubbed her hands nervously along her jeans and nodded her head. "Like getting a root canal might be more fun." She shrugged a bit and waited for Dr. Graham to ask her next question.
Dr. Graham cracked a small smile before jumping in," So tell me, what specifically led to you making an appointment with me today?"
Andy looked out into her kitchen and shifted uncomfortably on her barstool. She wanted to get up and pace to help get rid of some of her nervous energy, but that meant leaving the "sight lines" of the camera, so she tapped her foot relentlessly instead. She thought back to her conversation with Miranda.
FLASHBACK…
Andy and Miranda sat comfortably at one of the outside tables in front of the hospital. Looking around everyone was appropriately distancing and masking when they needed to. After the past week with Robert, him still not returning home and her being at a loss for what to do next, Andy knew she needed help. The truth was, it felt uncomfortable to admit that her and Robert were struggling, especially to someone she didn't know that well, but Miranda had been a friend to her when she needed it after the wedding reception. Andy also knew her and Ben had weathered a separation, but they were annoyingly happy now and had been together a long time. They had clearly figured something out.
"Maybe we should have opted for something stronger than coffee," Miranda joked as Andy wrapped up her long explanation of what was going on with her and Robert. She went all the way back to how they'd gotten close when it was technically against the rules to be together, how they fought it, the promotion she was passed over for, how they ultimately got together and the craziness that had been their life since they got married.
Andy cracked a smile. "You're tellin' me." Shaking her head a bit, she had to admit though, that just getting it all off her chest did make her feel a little better.
"So, I think it's important to be kind to yourself, it's been a helluva year for you and for Robert. Nothing about what you've been through the past 6 months is normal and on top of it all, we're in a global pandemic, where you're both first responders." Miranda said gently. "For people like us, the ones used to handling things, the ones who bring calm to chaos and solutions to problems...we tend to be hard on ourselves when something in our life goes a bit off the rails."
Andy nodded in agreement. "You know...when I was a kid, I used to love the monkey bars." Andy said. "It took a while before I could figure out how to pull my weight from one to another so I would just hold on like my life depended on it. I feel like...like that's what I've been doing for a while." Her voice faltered a bit as she listened to herself explain how she's been feeling. "Just hanging on. Hoping that whatever comes next doesn't break me."
"I can relate," Miranda said. "When life is dealing you blow after blow, you have no control over any of it and all you can do is hang on...it is beyond frustrating." She offered a knowing smile.
"Yes!" Andy exclaimed. "Is it too much to ask, to just be able to get a handle on things. To have a moment to breathe and get my wits about me?" She paused before continuing. "Through a lot of it, Robert has supported me, you know. He's strong. He's grounded me."
"I get that sense," Miranda said and when Andy gave her a confused look, she added. "Ben had him over for dinner a few nights ago. We got a chance to talk. He actually reminds me a lot of myself."
Andy smiled softly and was glad to hear that Ben had checked in with Robert. After Ripley, she knew he didn't have another guy he felt close to. Even if they didn't talk about it, she knew that connecting with the team and starting to build real relationships outside of her or the station was something he was grateful for. "I mean, I think we've done our best to take care of each other in the midst of all the crazy, it's been hard though and it seems like no matter what we do, life just keeps happening. I mean don't you ever just get tired. Tired of working so hard?" Andy said with exasperation evident in her voice.
"Absolutely." Miranda said. "Between patients, being Chief of Surgery, Tuck & Ben, then taking in Joey, losing my mom...not to mention just being a doctor in a pandemic...I can't tell you how exhausted I've been. It was harder when I was quarantining at a hotel and away from Ben & the boys. Your people help. That's what, for me anyway, gets me through the hard days. And it sounds like that's been the same for you."
"Yeah," Andy said, taking a sip of her coffee. "I guess right now, I just don't understand how it's possible to love someone so much, rely on them and trust them in so many ways, but have one area that makes you doubt..."
"We're human." Miranda replied plainly. "And we're complicated. And, your concern isn't totally off base. He's put his career ahead of your relationship before."
Hearing the truth but also feeling a bit defensive of her husband, Andy replied quickly. "But I know how hard he's worked to make amends." There had been multiple times over these past few months where he had a choice to do something to save himself or advance himself and he hadn't, even when he'd thought about it or really wanted to. "It seems like that should be enough. Like I should be able to see his efforts and trust that he's changed. I want to. I just..." Andy shook her head as she tried to find words.
"You're entitled to your feelings, Andy. They aren't right or wrong. They just are and you don't have to judge yourself harshly for them." Miranda said.
"That's a nice sentiment, Bailey" Andy said, "but my feelings are what landed me here. This place where my husband hasn't been home in over a week and he'll only talk to me about work." She ran a hand through her long wavy hair and breathed through the frustration.
"Was it really the feelings themselves that got you here or something else?" Bailey said, her voice holding a bit of mischief. She saw confusion wash over Andy's face and continued. She was going somewhere. "Feelings themselves are just data. They're telling you something is going on under the surface." She shrugged her shoulders a bit and continued. "And usually, problems in your life arise not because of the feelings themselves, but because of the actions you do or don't take because of how you feel. Make sense?"
"No," Andy said with a bit of a grin. She was a smart woman, but was not tracking here.
"Okay," Miranda said, sitting up taller in her seat. She was the leader of one of the best surgical training programs in the country. It was time to put her teacher hat on. "When everything happened with Robert, Maya & the Chief how did you feel?"
Andy thought for a moment. "Angry. Betrayed. Hurt. Like I couldn't trust the one person that I should be able to." Andy paused for a moment before continuing. "Frustrated that it seemed like I was getting passed over again and my career wasn't moving forward."
"Okay, so let's set all that aside. What are the facts?" Miranda asked.
"Maya violated a direct order from the Chief. There was an investigation. It turns out, she'd been on his radar for a while...and not in a good way. He considered shutting down 19, letting some of us go and transferring the rest. Robert made a case to keep us open and he was made Captain again, with conditions. We're still not technically out of the woods." Andy said without taking a breath. When she finished she was starting to see where Miranda was going.
"So the question for you becomes, why did what happened make you feel the way you did about Robert?" Miranda's question was borderline rhetorical. She was pretty sure the reason the two of them were sitting together talking right now, was because Andy didn't know and the not knowing was the problem.
Andy didn't need a moment to answer. She didn't have one and she knew it. "I don't know. I want to trust him completely. He's tried to show me that he's changed, but something in me won't let me move on from what happened before."
Miranda offered Andy an empathetic smile. She'd been there before, knowing something was going on but not knowing how to fix it or even where to start really. "When Ben and I were separated, my mentor helped me see that if I was going to save my marriage, I needed to get some help. I needed to work on myself. So, very reluctantly, I started seeing a therapist. It was in those sessions that I realized there was stuff going on internally with me that had nothing to do with Ben. And when I got a better understanding of what was going on with me, I was able to show up differently and communicate better."
"So you're telling me I need help?" Andy joked despite the mess of emotions she felt whirling about within.
Miranda reached over and patted Andy's hand. "Look, I don't know your whole life story, but clearly something happened in the past that has made fully trusting, even someone you love, difficult." Miranda held Andy's gaze and took a breath. "Your trauma isn't your fault, Andy, but healing yourself so that you can have the life you deserve with the man you love, is your responsibility."
BACK TO PRESENT…
"Well...a friend of mine helped me realize... I needed help." Andy started. She then proceeded to share, with yet another person, the details of her life, marriage and the situation at work. At this point it was starting to feel like maybe she needed a powerpoint she could direct people too.
After listening intently to Andy give a synopsis of her and Robert's situation, Dr. Graham spoke. "Thank you for sharing all of that with me. From what I heard you have a few different things to explore. The concept of trust itself and what in your past has happened that makes trust difficult for you, how those past experiences, traumatic or otherwise are influencing your behavior now and how you can rebuild the trust that was broken with Robert as it relates to your career."
"Okay," Andy replied as she absorbed Dr. Graham's words. "So we can fix this in what, 2 to 3 sessions?" She joked lightly.
Dr. Graham smiled at her humor. "We'll need at least 4." Andy laughed lightly and some of her anxiousness seemed to ease. "Before we get too far into our session, let me ask this...have you been to therapy or counseling before?"
Andy's unease was evident and it seemed fairly obvious that talking about her feelings wasn't something she felt comfortable with. "A few times...always mandated by the department. And..." She seemed hesitant to continue, but Dr. Graham didn't rush her. "And my dad tried to make me go as a kid, after my mom died, but I refused to talk so he stopped making me go." As she finished, Andy looked down into her hands briefly, before focusing back on the computer screen.
"I'm very sorry for your loss," Dr. Graham said sincerely. "How old were you when she died?"
"Nine," Andy said quickly. "But I had a great childhood." She didn't know why she felt the need to say that, but she did.
Dr. Graham made a quick note on a pad of paper to her side and continued. She knew they would come back to that. "Let's start here...what does trust mean to you?" She asked.
Andy thought for a moment. "I think it's about certainty. It's about knowing you can count on someone or rely on something. It's being confident...you know, knowing what you can expect."
With that Andy and Dr. Graham filled the remaining time in her first session unpacking ideas around trust. They discussed how we are wired from birth to be trusting and over time only begin to struggle after certain experiences, violations or traumas. Dr. Graham shared how people with trust issues have a tendency to be suspicious of their partners and jump to negative conclusions about their partners motivations.
The kicker for Andy had been when Dr. Graham said that because lack of trust is often a trauma response fueled by fear, someone might become irrational, accusatory or attacking. At the end of their session Andy was encouraged to practice self-compassion, commended on the courage it took to seek help and given homework. She was tasked with looking back to prior experiences in her life both as a child and an adult where trust was broken and how she handled that in the past.
When Andy shut her laptop, she felt like she'd been put through the mental and emotional ringer. She wasn't sure whether she needed a nap or drink and while Dr. Graham had told her to practice "self-compassion", feelings of judgement and shame washed over her. As they dug into how lack of trust can shape behavior, she couldn't help but think about how she acted towards Robert after the call that started everything and through the wedding. She'd attacked him, nothing he said was good enough for her to believe him and she accused him of some pretty awful things.
Pulling a beer from the fridge, she took a long pull and collapsed onto the couch. Maybe beer, mind numbing TV then a nap. At this point anything to give herself a break from the mental gymnastics she was currently doing. Despite the whirl of uncomfortable emotions circulating within, she felt slightly hopeful. After one hour, she had learned things about herself that she'd never even remotely considered before. Things that were affecting her life more than she realized. For the first time in two weeks she felt like she was actually taking action to fix things and not just waiting around...hoping.
NEXT SHIFT...
"Herrera's sick?" Travis asked. "I don't think she's taken a sick day in 5 years.
"Six, I think..." Jack corrected as his voice trailed off. They were pulling up to the call.
"Her COVID test came back negative, but she must feel pretty awful to not make it in." Vic continued. "I'll check in with her after shift." Her voice quieted as she realized this could be awkward. At this point it was common knowledge that Robert wasn't staying at home right now.
Overhearing their dialogue, Robert felt badly. When he thought back, he could tell Andy wasn't herself the past two shifts especially. She'd seemed tired and rundown, but he'd chalked it up to what was going on with the two of them. He hadn't been sleeping that well either. Logically, he knew she could have picked up a bug or something anywhere, but it didn't seem like a coincidence that they'd be on the outs and she'd run herself so ragged, she had to take her first sick day in six years. Mentally he berated himself. Hopping out of the engine he knew, no matter how weird things were between them, he wanted her to be taken care of.
"Gibson & Miller, search and rescue." Robert yelled. "Montgomery, Hughes, up on that roof. We need it vented stat..." He barked out orders and focused on the structure fire they were responding to, thoughts of his wife drifting to the back of his mind.
Robert opened the door to their apartment several hours later and inhaled the familiar scent. It was just after 7am and the lower level was quiet. Dropping his go bag by the door he slipped off his jacket and tossed it on the back of the couch. When he made it upstairs to the doorway of the master suite, he ignored the mess, pausing only to look at his wife. She wasn't sleeping on her side of the bed, but on his. All that was visible was her hair...a wild curly mess and a navy blue hoodie, probably one of his. That seemed to be her thing. As he got closer, he saw a mug of tea and mass of tissues on the bedside table. Gingerly he sat on the side of the bed and this startled her awake.
Confusion furrowed deep in her brow. "What are you doing here?" Andy asked, holding her husband's gaze. Her voice was scratchy and tired. It was clear she was wiped out.
Robert held his hand up to Andy's forehead and replied simply. "You're sick."
"I'm okay," Andy breathed as she clutched the blanket to her, barely keeping her eyes open.
"You're burning up," Robert said gently. He didn't need to take her temp to know she was feverish. On top of her very warm forehead, she donned an oversized zip-up hoodie and was still shivering a bit under the covers. He got up from the edge of their king sized bed and walked the short distance to the bathroom, returning with a thermometer in hand. Scanning her forehead quickly, he said. "101.8. Have you taken anything?"
Andy shook her head slightly, "No...I planned to..." Her voice trailed off a bit. What she didn't say was that she felt like death and wasn't sure she trusted herself to make it from the bedroom, downstairs to the medicine cabinet in the kitchen because she felt weak.
Robert pressed his lips together in a straight line, knowing she felt significantly worse than she was letting on. "Okay." He replied quietly. "Be right back." He started heading towards the door.
Before Andy could stop them, she blurted the words out. "But you're mad at me."
Robert turned around, leaned over her and ran his thumb down the side of her cheek. "Mad at you, fighting with you, not sure where we stand...you're still the woman I love, Andy. You're still the woman I love."
"Robert, I..." Andy tried to squeak out.
Robert shushed her. "Get some rest. I'll be here."
Robert headed down to the kitchen for the meds. Noticing how empty the fridge was when he opened it. Andy could cook when she wanted to, but was always a fan of his cooking, which he didn't mind or take out to make things easy. Seeing the remnants of canned soup in a pot on the stove, he made a mental note to go to the store while she was sleeping. Making his way back up to their bedroom, he waited for Andy to sit up before he handed her the meds and glass of water.
"When did you eat last?" he asked knowing it had probably been too long.
"Well..." Andy said slowly, knowing she hadn't been doing the best job taking care of herself in that department, her appetite had been low lately anyway and she'd slept most of yesterday. She'd hoped that maybe this was a 24-hour bug that she could get rid of with some rest, but that didn't seem to be the case. She was miserable. Her body ached, her fever kept coming and going, with any sudden movements or bright lights, her head was pounding and while she didn't have a cough, her throat was on fire.
Robert's eyes were warm and concerned. "New question...how do you really feel? " He asked. When they'd gotten back to the station he'd pulled her personnel file and saw that it had definitely been a little over six years since she'd taken a sick day. "And don't tell me you're just tired. You haven't taken a sick day in over six years."
Andy looked up at her husband and willed herself not to cry. His eyes were soft, but his forehead was creased with worry. He was clearly frustrated, with her maybe, with himself? She wasn't sure. Either way, he was here, taking care of her and she was left feeling like she wasn't sure she deserved it. "You checked my records?" Andy asked, attempting to deflect.
"Yes." Robert said plainly as he watched her lean back onto her pillow. "You didn't answer." He stated, knowing his wife. She didn't want to be taken care of and for sure didn't want to tell him how bad she really felt.
Andy closed her eyes for a moment realizing she was not going to get out of sharing how she felt. "I feel amazing, ready to fight a 5 alarm...fever, chills, body aches, weak, head feels like there's a jackhammer in there and so tired. Like, can't remember being this exhausted in my life, tired." Sarcasm laced her words.
Robert wanted to ask her why she hadn't called him or texted and said she needed something, but he knew why. He had spent the last two weeks pushing her away and avoiding most conversation that wasn't work related. Why would she think to call him? "You should get some rest. I'm gonna go to the store while you nap and will make soup when I get back. You need to eat something." How weak and tired she was pulled on Robert's heartstrings. It was tempting to lean down and kiss her forehead as she mumbled an "mmmk". It actually felt unnatural not to, but he resisted. Taking one more look, he headed towards the door.
Robert texted the A-shift and let them know he was home and Andy probably just had a bad case of the flu or something. She was mostly sleeping and not near her phone. His phone quickly chimed back with messages from the team. Ben said he would check in with him later and mentioned Andy's needs for fluids. Robert went to the store and got meds, OJ, things to make soup and other groceries. When he got back he popped in his earbuds, cleaned the kitchen and made soup. The day passed uneventfully, Andy mostly sleeping, him tidying up around the house and working on his laptop. She'd eaten, but he was concerned that she wasn't drinking enough and her fever seemed to keep spiking. It was down for now but he felt like he had to watch it closely.
"Do you need anything else tonight?" Robert asked as he helped Andy get settled back in bed later that evening. She had mustered up enough energy to shower, but it had taken a lot out of her to spend that much time on her feet.
"No, I think I'm good." she replied. "You changed the sheets." Andy commented, pulling the covers up. She loved slipping into bed with fresh linens. Who didn't? Tonight she was back on her side of the bed, hopeful that Robert would sleep on his.
"You always feel better in a freshly made bed." Robert replied with a gentle smile.
It had been a weird day. He had taken care of Andy much like she imagined he would if she was ever sick. Robert was attentive and gentle, giving her space, but also letting her know he was there if she needed anything. He'd cooked soup (the real kind), cleaned up and just generally been there for her today. Despite how normal it all felt, they hadn't talked about anything going on between them and Andy really wanted to know where things stood.
Before Robert could head downstairs, Andy spoke up. "Don't sleep on the couch. We both know it's fine for a nap, but not great over night. You've been burning the candle at both ends and you're exhausted." Robert might not have been sick like she was, but she knew her husband and he was definitely tired. He seemed to have the weight of the world on his shoulders.
"I shouldn't," Robert replied reluctantly. He already felt conflicted about the day. He knew they still needed to talk and he wasn't totally sure how he felt. And climbing into bed with his wife didn't seem like something that was going to help him get clarity, even if it was just to sleep.
Andy rolled her eyes slightly at his stubbornness. "I promise not to make any moves on you...unless you want me to." This got a laugh from him, both of them knowing she was too sick to make any moves.
Robert cut the overhead light, leaving the bedroom dark and illuminated only by the street lamps. He slipped into his side of the bed and relished in the familiar feeling. He expected sleep at the station to be a bit broken, at any moment you could get a call so even when you were resting, it was a light sleep. The bed at the hotel was comfortable, but there was just something about being home. Robert sighed long and deep, knowing it wouldn't take long for sleep to find him. His wife's voice pulled him from his thoughts.
"Thank you for today," Andy said quietly.
"You don't have to thank me," Robert replied, his voice also quiet. "I wanted to be here."
Silence hung in the air between them for some time before Andy decided to take a leap off the deep end. She could tell by Robert's breathing that he wasn't asleep yet and she didn't know when the next opportunity may present itself. Something about the softness he'd shown towards her today and the cover of darkness, just made broaching the conversation easier.
"You once told me that opening up to me was...easy." Andy said apprehensively. "I know it hasn't been lately...but maybe tonight, in the dark, with neither of us going anywhere... we could just pretend that it's still easy. That we can still talk to each other about anything." The cover of night hid the tears pooling in her eyes, but her voice cracked. There was no hiding the emotion there. "I just..I need something, Robert. Tell me..."
He cut her off, "Do you remember when I came to your bunk after Vasquez got injured..." Robert began.
"Yeah, I was still upset with you and my dad..." Andy shook her head remembering how he'd come to her and she'd literally shut the door in his face after he poured his heart out.
"I told you I was failing at loving you..." Robert paused, his nerves and own fear of vulnerability sending off warning signals in his mind that said, this isn't safe. He debated exactly what to say and how much to say, but knew deep down, he had to start facing things. He couldn't hide out and avoid this conversation forever.
Andy was tempted to fill the gap, but really did want to hear from him. To get some sort of insight into what was going on in his head and his heart. She knew their issues were layered, but really believed that just like they had weathered so many other storms they could get through this one too. Reaching between them, she pulled Robert's hand into her own and interlaced their fingers. His thumb ran up and down the side of her small hand involuntarily. It all felt so normal. Robert didn't speak for a while, but she knew there was something he was wrestling with so she waited.
"I loved you then, but I was failing you. I was making poor decisions, doing things and you got caught in the crossfire." He took a breath. "But I've changed. I've spent months trying to be better. Show you that you really are what matters and I guess..." His voice trailed off.
"You guess what?" Andy questioned gently.
"If after all this time, you still don't trust me to choose you over a title, to put you first, that means I'm still failing at loving you. Despite the work I've done, my vows... the ways I've tried to show you that you are the most important thing...maybe it will just never be enough. Maybe there is something about me that will never be all of what you need."
"Robert..." Andy breathed, then stopped herself. She knew from the past few conversations they'd had, bold declarations, no matter how heartfelt, weren't what he needed right now. She hated feeling like she was walking on eggshells with the one she loved, hated that someone it was usually so easy talking to... just wasn't. She took a deep breath and tried to pace herself. "I want so badly to try and reassure you, but that didn't work well the last time we talked. So, maybe you can tell me what you need. You opened up, what do you want to hear from me?" She braced herself mentally for his response.
"When did it change? When did I stop being the safest place you had?" Robert asked softly. The vulnerability in his voice was unmistakable. He'd replayed so many aspects of their relationship over and over in his head and what he couldn't understand is where things went wrong. If he was her safe place, how could she not trust him?
Andy released a breath she didn't realize she'd been holding. This isn't what she expected him to say or ask. To be honest, she didn't know what to expect, but it definitely wasn't this. "It didn't change, Robert. Being sick and having you here...when I least expected it and maybe don't deserve it has shown me so many things. Being with you is still the safest I ever feel in this world. You still feel like home." She paused before continuing deciding not to share about therapy quite yet. "I've done a lot of thinking lately about myself and why I am the way I am...I've realized that outside of my dad, there is no one I've ever trusted fully. And even with him, as I got older I struggled sometimes because he would go behind my back and do things to control my life."
"You think I want to control you?" Robert heard what she was saying about not fully trusting anyone, but couldn't help feeling a bit confused.
"No," Andy answered quickly. "I don't think you want to control me... Can I be honest and say, I don't have all the answers yet?" she sighed in frustration, knowing she wasn't explaining this as well as she wanted to. "I trust you with just about everything and I hate to say it...I don't want it to be true..."
"But you have a hard time when it comes to work stuff." Robert finished for her.
"I don't know exactly why it triggers me the way it does, but I'm trying to figure it out. And I think it has more to do with me and my feelings than it does your actions. I know you've tried to show me I matter more than the job." Andy said honestly.
Robert was trying to hear her. Listening to the tone of her voice, the emotion he felt coming from her, it rang true. He could sense she felt frustrated for not knowing exactly what was going on and he could relate to that. Life experiences had a way of shaping you in ways you couldn't always see. "I know what you mean about trust," he said cautiously. "Despite my parents being workaholics, my dad especially, they were my people. And it wasn't really until Claire that I fully trusted someone else after they died...and even with her it took time." As he spoke the words, he softened acknowledging his own issues. When Andy didn't respond, Robert looked over and in the dim light saw that her eyes had closed. "You should sleep," he said.
"I'm awake, I promise." she yawned, her voice heavy. He was talking, finally talking and everything in her wanted to keep going, but her body was having none of it.
"Rest," Robert insisted. Hands still loosely connected, they drifted off to sleep. After many restless nights for the both of them, they easily sunk into a deep slumber.
Robert wasn't exactly sure what time it was when he woke, it was barely light outside, so he knew it was early. He and Andy hadn't fallen asleep in each other's arms like they normally would, but at some point in the night, they found each other. One of his arms was wrapped tightly around her petite frame. Her head was resting comfortably against his chest with an arm slung across his middle and their legs were intertwined. Her body fit perfectly against his and it was painfully familiar. Compared to him, Andy was a tiny thing. Strong, but curved and feminine in the places that mattered. Resisting her was torture and being pressed up against her was doing nothing for his resolve. Ugh, he had to get up.
Leaning down, his nose brushed the top of her head and he tried his best to untangle himself from their embrace without waking her. He grabbed his workout clothes and slipped in the bathroom to brush his teeth and change before taking a run. He needed to clear his head, get a handle on the whirl of thoughts and emotions he woke up with after their conversation last night. Clicking the bathroom light off, he tiptoed toward the bedroom door.
"You don't have to sneak out of your own house." Andy's sleepy voice pierced the silence. She'd felt Robert unravel himself and wasn't sure what to expect this morning after their talk the night before.
Robert turned and looked back to find Andy, snuggled into bed, eyes still closed. "Not sneaking out," he lied. "Just going for a run." Andy didn't say anything else. She knew he was lying. She'd felt the familiar feeling of being wrapped in his arms over night and the delicate way he tried to untangle himself this morning. Robert headed downstairs, grabbing some water and his headphones he left for his run.
Music blaring, he found his stride and replayed last night's conversation over in his head. Listening to Andy tell him that she trusted him with everything, but work had stung a bit, but at least he knew she was being honest. She was owning it and not denying how things were, for some strange reason that felt like progress. Hearing her say that he still was her safest place, despite their issues, had also been a salve on the wound he felt like he'd been walking around with for nearly two weeks.
He didn't have a fragile male ego, this wasn't about him needing validation or approval, but about being able to take care of the woman he loved. And he did love her. If he couldn't do that, give her what she needed, he had no business being her husband. Beyond all that though, while her words rang true and he knew he could move past the things she said to Jack while she was angry, he had this gnawing feeling deep in his gut.
After Claire he did everything he could to protect himself, to make sure he could never be as devastated as he was after she died. He closed off and made sure he was safe. With Andy, all those carefully erected walls had come crashing down and he was open, he felt vulnerable and only to himself could he admit that he was terrified. If he walked away now, he could move on. His heart would be broken and it would be hard, but he knew he would be okay eventually. In 5 months or 5 years he'd love her more, he'd be more attached. If she broke his heart then, decided she didn't love him or couldn't actually trust him...that, that just might be something he couldn't recover from. Maybe it would be better to hedge his bets and walk away now?
Robert pushed through the rest of his run, not making any decisions, just considering everything on the table. When he got back home he made himself coffee, checked his email and eventually headed back upstairs to shower and change. Again, he quietly made his way through the bedroom. This time not concerned about sneaking so much as just trying not to wake his wife who was still sleeping soundly. With his head in the clouds, so to speak, he showered and only realized afterwards that he hadn't grabbed a change of clothes. With a damp bare upper body and towel wrapped snuggling at his hips, he headed back into the bedroom. As soon as he emerged, he was met with Andy's gaze. She was awake.
"Morning." she said, barely making eye contact. She was busy giving his almost naked body the once over.
"How'd you sleep?" Robert inquired as he took in the sight of her. She still looked worse for wear, but her eyes showed that at least she'd gotten some rest.
"Better than I have in a while," Andy said honestly. She'd gotten used to sleeping next to Robert and the last several days without him had been miserable. "You?" She questioned.
"Good," Robert replied and offered a nod. He knew how she felt even without her saying it.
"How are you feeling?" He questioned.
"I think the fever is back." Andy replied, her tone showing the annoyance she felt. That was actually what woke her. The strange combination of chills and sweating. This was day three and she fully expected whatever bug she had to have run its course by now. At this rate, there was no way she could return to work tomorrow.
"I'll get the thermometer," Robert said, making his way to the dresser and pulling out some comfortable clothes for another day at home. "Do you feel up for some breakfast?" He asked, trying to ignore the look he saw in her eyes.
Andy's eyes heated as she watched Robert's nearly naked body move across the room. Yes she physically felt awful, but there was nothing wrong with her mind or memory and seeing his strong arms, bare chest and ripped abs...she couldn't help but bite her lip in appreciation.
"Did you hear me?" Robert asked again when Andy didn't answer.
"What?" she said with a slight grin. She looked up to find his eyes. "Oh, right, breakfast... still no appetite, but I should probably try something."
"Maybe a smoothie," Robert said, a light smile creeping onto his face. She still teased him about taking his smoothies so seriously. Andy returned his smile and he caught her eyes. She wasn't thinking about smoothies and he knew exactly what was on her mind. "Stop looking at me like that."
"Like what?" She asked innocently. When Robert said nothing, only returned her gaze with a 'seriously' look, Andy replied. "I'm sick, Robert, not dead." With that he headed into the bathroom, clothes in hand.
HOURS LATER...
"Warren, what are you doing in my bedroom?" Andy asked with a sleep laden voice.
As Andy had suspected that morning, her fever had returned and the meds hadn't been working as well as they had the prior two days. She slept most of the day and Robert ended up working for a while from the office down the hall or watching her closely from the chair near their bed with a show on his Ipad. He'd been debating all afternoon about whether or not to call Ben and just make sure there wasn't anything to be concerned about, when Ben had texted him to check in. When he offered to stop by, Robert eagerly agreed knowing Andy wouldn't be thrilled.
"Your husband was concerned about your fever spikes." Ben said in his 'dad' voice. Robert stood near the door not wanting to hover. He knew Andy wouldn't be happy, but he'd asked Ben to come over anyway. None of her symptoms were serious enough to go to urgent care, especially now with COVID, but having a former surgeon on speed dial definitely had its privileges. "I want to check your lungs. Can you sit up on your own?" Andy shifted in the bed, but shot Robert some serious side eye. This seemed like overkill.
After placing the stethoscope, Ben said,"Deep breaths." He followed this same routine a few different times. "Breath sounds are normal, so that's good. I think all you can do is what you're doing to treat the fever and keep resting. If you get too uncomfortable you could take a tepid shower or an ice bath," This garnered a roll of the eyes from Andy. It was clear that neither of those things was on her list of things to do. "Let me know if it gets worse and since it sounds like your appetite is still pretty low, I'm concerned about dehydration. So, we should run a bag of fluids."
"You've got to be kidding me." Andy said. "I really don't think that's necessary."
"Only one of us has a medical degree," Ben said, not moved at all by her response. "You are on day three of not eating very much or drinking a normal amount. If you're gonna get better, you need fluids. It will also help with the fever."
Ben got Andy set up and headed downstairs with Robert to chat while she rested and the fluids ran their course. He set a timer on his phone to go back and check on her later.
"Beer?" Robert asked, motioning to the fridge.
Looking at his watch to check the time, Ben replied. "Why not." They chatted for a bit about work, Tuck & Joey and sports before Ben finally asked the question he'd been itching to, since texting with Robert earlier. "So you're back home?"
Without hesitation, Robert replied. "She's sick." He spoke like it was obvious he'd be there, but leaving again once she was recovered.
Ben didn't hide his confusion or slight annoyance. "Okay."
"Say, what you wanna say, Warren." Robert said, recognizing the look on Ben's face.
"You being here isn't sending her mixed signals?" He questioned honestly.
"You mean to tell me that while you and Miranda were separated you didn't go back home at all, for any reason, to make sure she and Tuck were okay?" Robert questioned trying to prove a point. He didn't want to be away from his wife to begin with, he just felt like he needed distance to figure out how to handle the situation they were in. Andy getting sick hadn't changed the core issues they were having in their marriage.
Ben smiled a little as Robert made his point. He wasn't wrong. The windstorm and Tuck were both reasons he went back home from time to time, despite he and Miranda still being on a 'break'. "You may have a point, but we were separated for four months and I definitely wasn't staying the night..."
Leaning up against the kitchen counter, facing Ben who was seated at the bar, Robert shrugged his shoulders a bit and took a sip of his beer. "What am I supposed to do?" He motioned towards the stairs. "She's on day three of this. She can't be alone. I mean... what would you do if it was Miranda?" He'd already notified the Chief, made arrangements for Ruiz to join 19 tomorrow with Gibson as acting Captain and texted the team about his absence. They sent well wishes to Andy and knew to call him for anything above a 2 alarm.
Ben returned the shoulder shrug. "Look, I get it. I'm just wondering what you're waiting for. She obviously wants you here, you seem to want to be here, so why are you still holding out?" Ben said plainly, holding his friend's gaze.
Robert couldn't answer that question right away because he wasn't sure what to say. Pausing he finally said, "Honestly, I don't totally know. What I do know is that I can't make a decision about the rest of my life on someone else's timeline...even if that someone is my wife. I have to figure out if it's possible to move past all this and what it will take. I need time for that."
Ben looked at the man across from him and read between the lines. He heard the things Robert wasn't saying because he'd been there. He was still hurt and despite loving his wife, Robert had to figure out for himself a way to forgive and move past it all or walk away. "I'm gonna give you some unsolicited advice...then shut up." Robert nodded in response so Ben continued. "When Miranda and I separated and she was finally ready to fix things, I almost didn't go back home. We'd spent months apart at her request and I was still hurt and angry. Not my proudest moment, but a part of me wanted her to suffer with the uncertainty the way I had." Ben was quiet for a moment before adding. "Forgiveness is hard, Robert...but it's worth it."
Robert nodded, absorbing the advice from a friend who's marriage he respected and who had been where he was. While he was trying to conjure up a reply, the timer on Ben's phone rang. Andy's bag was probably just about done. They finished their beers and headed upstairs to check on her.
Ben had left hours ago and though she didn't want to admit it, Andy had felt better after the bag of fluids. So much so that she found the energy for both a shower and to have some soup at the table with Robert versus upstairs in bed. She was still not feeling amazing, but had to get out of the bed she had largely spent the last few days in. Andy did her best to just be present in the moment, just enjoying the normalcy of it all. They had talked casually, mostly about work stuff and the calls from the shift she missed.
After eating she made her way upstairs, slipped into the shower and washed her hair for the first time in days. She felt almost human again. Robert had peaked in, to make sure she was still okay, because it all took much longer than normal at the pace she was going. But after everything, her energy was gone. Dressing in shorts and a tank, she collapsed into bed.
Sometime later, Robert joined her and this time there was no preamble or discussion about it. He just pulled back the covers and got into his side of the bed. "Checked the DVR...you've watched most of our shows without me." he said casually in the dark room.
"I said I'd give you time," Andy replied in a playful tone. "I never promised not to watch our shows...besides I left your boring ones," she joked. In addition to sports, Robert was a sucker for a good history documentary and most things on national geographic.
"Rude." Robert replied back in a teasing tone. "I don't make fun of your trashy reality TV or Dancing With the Stars."
"What are you talking about? You love Dancing With the Stars," Andy countered, enjoying their easy banter. This was one of the shows she easily got him to watch with little protest.
"You could have at least left me something with action," Robert pretended to sound annoyed.
"Cry me a river...pretty sure everything you wanna watch is available OnDemand." Andy quipped.
Robert laughed lightly. "Touche."
They were silent for a few moments before Andy spoke again. Her tone was apprehensive despite the comfortable conversation they'd been having. "Robert..."she said, "How much time are you taking?"
Robert paused before answering, "Honestly, I don't know." He didn't want to hurt her feelings or say anything brash, but he needed to be honest. "I don't have a timeline for this. I don't know how long it will take to..." His voice trailed off and he was quiet for a moment because he didn't know what words to use. "I just don't know."
"Okay," Andy replied, appreciating his honesty. Turning onto her side, she whispered, "Good Night." It took everything she had not to say I love you, but she held her ground and resisted.
"Good Night," Robert returned with a yawn. They both drifted off into a comfortable sleep.
Andy woke first the next morning. This time they weren't tangled up in each other's arms, but still laid close nonetheless. Throwing a quick glance over her shoulder, she saw Robert was asleep on his stomach, arms clutching his pillow comfortably. She couldn't help the warmth that filled her belly at the sight of him doing something so normal. This is how it should be, she thought. Reaching for her phone, she saw the time instantly and nudged her husband.
"You're late," Andy said as she rubbed a hand up and down Robert's muscular back. When he didn't respond right away, she shook him a little. "Robert, it's after 7. You're late."
Sleep thick in his voice, Robert rolled over in her direction as he spoke. "I'm not going in today. You're still sick."
Worry creeped in within seconds. "You can't do that," Andy exclaimed. "With everything going on and McCallister looking for reasons to shut us down."
"It's already handled," Robert said with a sigh, finally opening his eyes. He looked over to his wife, saw the creases in her forehead and heard the worry in her voice. Seeing this, he pulled himself into a more awake state to explain. "I told him my wife was sick and I didn't feel comfortable leaving her at home. If he shuts us down over this, that was always his plan anyway."
"I would have been fine on my own." Andy tried to argue.
Robert was having none of it. "You required a bag of fluids last night because you haven't been eating or drinking enough and your fever was not responding well to meds and while yes you may be feeling better right now, you're still weak and get tired from the few times you've been on the stairs. Shall I go on?" Robert questioned rhetorically in a way that he knew would get under her skin. When Andy said nothing, he continued giving her the details he knew she wanted. "Gibson will take the lead, Ruiz is helping out and they will call me for anything over a 2 alarm." Robert added.
"Ok," Andy grumbled, accepting the information, but still not thrilled and definitely worried that this wouldn't go over well with the Chief.
As if he could read her mind, Robert added. "Don't worry about it, I think it's fine." He said with a large yawn. "Try and get some more sleep."
Andy turned back over to her side of the bed and heard Robert's breathing slow. He had drifted back off, but she was painfully awake and ruminating on both their conversation last night and the brief events of that morning. The wheels in her head were turning and her internal frustration was growing. Why was he here, being sweet and caring, now taking time off work, if his intention was to just walk away. All of this was hard, but she was starting to wonder if his silence was better, if being a part would have been easier. At least then, the lines wouldn't be so blurred. Right now, she had absolutely no clue where they stood and it was grated on every nerve she had.
A COUPLE DAYS LATER...
They pulled into the barn just after 6am after battling one of the worst 5 alarms Robert had seen since being back in Seattle. It was an apartment building that seemed to be combusting everywhere. 19 had been put on search and rescue when they arrived at the scene. Since there was still no Battalion Chief in place, McCallister was running the call. No one was focused on that as added pressure, they just wanted to get people out of that building and get the fire out. Unfortunately, despite their best efforts, despite staying til the last minute, there were several people that hadn't made it. When they had been relieved of duty the death count was at 12 adults and 4 children, with many others being sent to Grey Sloane for life threatening injuries, burns, treatment for smoke inhalation. They all knew more people wouldn't make it and this would just be one of those calls that stuck with you.
Robert debated what to say or do as he hopped out of the engine. Saying nothing was tempting, but he was trying to do things differently. Not only had they lost several victims, but multiple firefighters had also been injured and rushed to Grey Sloane. Standing in the middle of the barn, he felt the heaviness of the shift weighing on each person. Watching each one begin the process of unloading the rigs and restocking he called for everyone's attention and when they turned to face him he began. "I don't have any inspirational words for you...just the truth." Robert shook his head a bit as he spoke. "Everyday we face impossible situations and we overcome them...but inevitably there are calls where you do everything right and still have incredible losses. Today was one of those days. But we did our best. We stayed safe. We saved every person we could and fought until we couldn't anymore...and I am very proud of that. So, thank you, all of you, for facing what you did today." With that he nodded and looked around to catch the eyes of each one before heading towards the turnout closet.
It was common practice after a big fire to head to Joe's and drink. Make inappropriate jokes, have a good time as a team, blow off steam...but Joe's was still closed thanks to COVID and while everyone was happy to have made it out alive, with so many losses there didn't feel like much to celebrate. Everyone headed home to their respective places and Robert stayed behind in his office to catch up on paperwork he'd missed on the last shift.
When Andy got home, she sighed deeply, saddened by how empty it felt again. With no energy, she kicked off her shoes and dropped her bag right in the entryway. She'd come back for them. She wasn't expecting Robert. As they were heading out the previous day, she'd asked him if he'd be back after shift. He didn't answer, only said they should get going so they weren't late. Now that she was better and back to work, it seemed things were going back to how they had been before she got sick.
Climbing the stairs, she stripped down and changed into one of his oversized t-shirts before snuggling into his side of the bed. She breathed into his pillow deeply, inhaling the scent of him. She hated this. After the past 24 hours all she wanted was to fall asleep in his arms, feel safe and forget. Exhausted and still not feeling 100% she succumbed to sleep quickly.
Robert wasn't sure how he ended up back at home instead of his hotel, but on auto pilot he arrived there after leaving the station. Today, he didn't have it in him to pull a double. He stayed in the office a couple hours after everyone left and made sure to catch up on what he missed while he was out, but that was it. He was mentally and emotionally exhausted.
Normally tidy, he dropped his jacket and go-bag at the bottom of the stairs before making his way up, noting his wife had done the same. His steps were slow and labored, the heaviness of the past 24 hours sinking in deeper. When he reached the master bedroom, as suspected Andy was sound asleep. It was just after 10am and while she was back to work, he knew she wasn't 100%. If that shift had drained him, he knew she felt worse. Again, she donned one of his t-shirts and was snuggled into his side of the bed. He kicked his shoes off, stripped down to his boxer briefs and crawled under the covers.
They were still in a weird place... talking, but not making any decisions about what would come next. That didn't matter right now. All he wanted to do was hold her, breathe in the scent of her, be reminded that they were both okay, then sleep. She'd told him that he was the safest place she had and it was true for him too. He couldn't explain it or put it into words exactly, but he just knew that after the things he saw on shift last night, this is what he needed.
"You're here," Andy said, feeling movement in the bed. Her voice was laced with sleep and she was barely awake, but it wasn't lost on her that Robert was back after she was pretty certain he didn't plan to be. His arm was wrapped around her tightly and not because they'd found one another in the middle of the night. For the first time in three weeks, his mood wasn't about her or them. "You wanna talk to me about it?" She asked, her voice scratchy. Robert was good at compartmentalizing and had two decades of tough calls, so it was unusual for him to be thrown for a loop even after last night. But his words to the team after they returned to the station let her know that this one had hit him hard.
Robert didn't say anything in response to Andy's question, only pulled her more snuggly against his hard body. He just wanted to hold onto her. It was irrational and didn't make sense but it was comforting. Interpreting his silent response, Andy took his hand in hers and melted into him. It wasn't long before they both drifted off, leaving the emotions of a rough day behind.