Happy Monday, Friends! Thank you all for your patience as I worked on this chapter. Hopefully 13,000 words makes it worth the wait. Opening is a little steamy… you've been warned :) As always, I appreciate your comments — so let me know what you think! XO, Reddixon
When Andy woke several hours later, she had a dull headache. The kind that sits in the middle of your head and comes after being in a hard, deep sleep. As she blinked her eyes and tried to get her wits about her, she took note of the fact that her and Robert had barely moved in their sleep. A sign of the exhaustion they'd both been feeling hours earlier.
Her back rested against his firm bare chest, his strong arm was wrapped loosely around her waist and they shared a pillow. Waking up, feeling Robert's warmth surrounding her like a cocoon, Andy couldn't help but think this was how it should be. She sighed long and deep enjoying the comfort but also wondering where things would go from here.
Feeling Robert stir a bit behind her she turned in his arms. "Hi," Andy whispered softly as Robert's eyes focused on her.
"Hi," he replied back, sleep still thick in his voice. His eyes were warm and soft. "How'd you sleep?"
"Like a rock." She said thinking of the small headache she'd woken with. "I hate how much better I sleep with you," Andy couldn't help the small yawn that fell from her lips.
"Me too," Robert returned, his voice low and his eyes remaining set on her.
Silence hung in the air for a moment before Andy spoke next. "Hard day..." she said as they held each other's gaze. Like a moth to a flame, she could feel herself being pulled into him.
"Yeah, but this helped..." Robert raised a hand, cupped her face and his thumb caressed her cheek.
"It did, didn't it..." Andy said, feeling their connection strong and being fairly certain he felt it too. Too tired to resist, she leaned in halfway not sure Robert would meet her. When he did, she sighed deeply and gave herself over to their kiss.
When Robert's lips found Andy's, heat rocketed through her body. After weeks of being at odds and feeling further apart than they ever had, she felt the familiar spark of their connection and this thrilled her. With each slow pass of her husband's tongue she opened to him and reveled in the feel of him. She let him control the cadence of the kiss and savored.
One hand tangled in Andy's hair, Robert held her in place, taking their kiss deeper and deeper. Like the first sip of water on a hot day, Robert consumed her greedily. In the back of his mind, he wondered if this would do more harm than good, but it didn't matter. He didn't have it in him to stamp down his desire, his fight was gone, he craved Andy and all he wanted now was to get lost in their embrace. "I've missed you, he murmured as he trailed kisses from her chin down the column of her throat. His statement was simple, but layered. Yes... he missed this, but really he missed her. He missed her essence. The parts of her that met him exactly where he needed. He missed her comfort.
As Robert's mouth worked over her neck she was greeted with the recurring knowledge that he could set her on fire like no other man before him. With one look, one caress, one kiss… Andy was lost to him and she knew it. But while her self control had been rendered useless, she couldn't help the nagging thought in the back of her mind that maybe this was a bad idea. The future of their relationship was still unclear and making love wouldn't do anything to change that. Would this make things worse?
Andy put a hand to Robert's naked chest. "Wait, is this a..." Her logical mind was trying to override the sensations flowing through her body, but even as she spoke she stared at her husband's lips.
His eyes smoldering, Robert said, "Probably not..." before capturing her lips again and rolling her onto her back. Bare legs tangled together, their bodies pressed tightly against each other's, he kissed his wife hard and deep. Enjoying the feel of her silky skin, one large hand slid from Andy's upper thigh to her abdomen, stopping only when his thumb found her peaked nipple. The edges of his lips curved upwards as he heard her gasp in response. He massaged in slow tortuous circles and felt her back arch as she leaned into him.
"Yes..." She breathed as Robert's lips found hers again and she moaned into the kiss, her mind protesting, but her body relenting and easily melting into their embrace. Andy squeezed her eyes tight and let her senses absorb the pleasure running through her body. Their time apart had done nothing to extinguish the fire of their chemistry. She knew between the two of them it was primal. They seemed to have an invisible current running under the surface that drew them together, seemingly outside of their control. It was an undeniable force that called them closer and closer until it was impossible to know where one ended and the other began.
Robert couldn't admit it aloud, couldn't say the words, if he did... his man card would for sure be revoked, but his thoughts... that was something different. He couldn't hide from his own mind. As he laid atop his wife, feeling her warm body underneath him, kissing her boldly, deeply, lovingly, he couldn't avoid his own truth. This woman undid him. Made him want to open up in ways he didn't even have words for. She soothed aches in him that he'd accepted would never go. She made him want to give her everything. And that terrified him. The battle raging internally now was with the uncertainty. Risk? Go all in? Lose it all?
Somewhere between kisses they made quick work of the few scraps of clothes they'd gone to sleep in. Boxer briefs, t-shirt, panties landing somewhere on the floor. Now fully naked, chest to chest, Andy had one fleeting thought of resistance, but looking into her husband's soft brown eyes, seeing the big, complicated love in them, she surrendered. She gave herself over to the agony and ecstasy that would be this moment. They would make earth shattering, mind-boggling, ridiculously amazing love and he would leave. It was a devastating truth, but for now, this would be enough. They'd both take what they needed from one another, find temporary comfort in another's arms, dull the ache they'd both felt after their last shift and leave questions about the future for tomorrow.
With fresh skin exposed, Robert touched, squeezed and caressed Andy everywhere he knew she liked. Her barely audible moans of pleasure assured him, his touch was driving her insane. Her core flooded with heat and clenched with need. With their lips still fused together, one of his strong hands slid between them and found her center. "Oh, God," he heard her whisper as he stroked through her wetness. She opened wider to him and gave the access they both craved. He circled the tight bundle of nerves, ramping up her desire and soon one finger slipped into her tight channel... then another.
Andy's hips moved involuntarily in time with Robert's movements. While she dramatically thought she could die from the sensations zipping through her body, she stifled back her cries of pleasure in hopes of maintaining some semblance of control. Knowing her body, Robert could tell she was near her boiling point, but she wasn't making any of the sounds he'd grown accustomed to hearing from her. Finding her eyes to make sure she was okay, huskily he asked, "You good?" Andy's gaze gave her away and he didn't wait for her answer. She was holding back on purpose. She had relented in so many ways that it shouldn't matter. He didn't need her validation, he was confident that she was being satisfied, but her defiance challenged his alpha and he decided he wanted to hear her.
His tongue trailed from her neck, down her breasts and over her abdomen before finally dipping between her folds. Andy's heart rate spiked and she whimpered slightly at the unfair game she knew he was playing. His tongue moved over her, first the tip circling her clit then delving inside. She swore under her breath in frustration as white hot bolts of need shot through her and she knew he'd win. Clenching the sheets next to her, she squirmed against his mouth, but he only held her more firmly in place. He nipped, licked and sucked, building the pressure in her body to an impossible level, her whole body shook and her climax raced towards her. Biting her lip Andy tried to hold in her moans, but it was useless. Robert continued his assault, pushing her higher and higher until she gave in. His name tumbled from her lips in a strangled cry as her orgasm rocketed through her. She didn't want to be so addicted to him, but she couldn't deny that she was.
Robert kissed his way back up her body and when their eyes finally met she shot him an annoyed glare. "Really?" Andy questioned in a hoarse voice, despite the buzz she still felt in her body.
"What can I say?" he teased with a cocky grin as his heated body laid atop her, "I love to hear you say my name."
While he gloated slightly and was reveling in his victory, Andy took the opportunity to turn the tables. Bending a knee and using the bed for leverage she caught Robert by surprise and forced him onto his back. If Robert could take what he wanted, so could she. Her body still firing off aftershocks, she wasted no time grinding against him. He was ready to be inside her, but she had every intention of torturing him a little before giving him what they both wanted.
Running her hands from his chiseled abs up over his chest, she cupped Robert's cheeks and pulled him into a demanding kiss. She took his bottom lip between her teeth and bit down gently before using her tongue to soothe the ache. Robert gasped into their kiss as she pinched and stroked, first one nipple then the other. She was driving him crazy and she knew it. "Andy..." he finally said in a low gravelly tone. His hands trailed down her back and landed on her hips hoping to guide her heated center to his length, but she rose up keeping her warmth just out of reach. Finding her husband's eyes, with a raised eyebrow and sassy smile she said, "Tell me what you want."
Robert stared up at the woman above him, mischief danced in her eyes, her skin was flushed and lips swollen from their kisses and he was completely enamored. Never taking his eyes off her, he replied simply, "I want you." Hearing what she wanted to hear, Andy reached for him, held him in place and lowered herself.
Their bodies moved perfectly together in the way only familiar lovers could and it wasn't long before they were both lost to the bliss of being connected again after weeks apart. Feeling his release near, Robert slipped his hand between their sweaty bodies and circled the tight bundle of nerves he knew would send his wife over the edge with him. Firey energy coursed through her and she clenched down hard, swiveling her hips. That was their undoing. Her movements milked Robert's climax and her name slipped from his lips as he let loose within her. Andy collapsed forward against his slightly damp, muscular chest. Their lips found each other in a slow, lazy kiss and she rolled to the side of him.
Stillness and quiet hovered over the couple as they caught their breath and returned to a normal state. The air around them began to cool and the reality of their current situation rose to the surface. Though their connection was as strong as ever, this hadn't solved anything for them. They hadn't talked about their issues or made any grand announcements, just needed comfort and found it in the only place they had at the moment. They both knew the deal. Determined to control her emotions, Andy reached over the side of the bed, grabbed the t-shirt she'd been asleep in before and slipped it over her head.
Robert watched her movements with curiosity, not sure himself, what to say or do at this point. As if they needed proof, today was just another example of how sex was never their problem.
Sitting on the edge of the bed, Andy tossed a quick glance over her shoulder. "I'm gonna shower..." she began, "if you're leaving again..." Her voice faltered a bit. "Can you just be gone when I get out?" Andy didn't wait for Robert to answer, just quickly made her way to the bathroom and shut the door behind her.
Robert punched the pillow next to him in frustration, knowing no matter how much he wanted to, he couldn't stay. Hearing the shower run, he slowly got up, redressed and made his way out of the house.
As the hot water poured over her, Andy let the tears she'd held in check moments ago, fall. She took her time washing and conditioning her hair... she knew he'd be gone when she got out. He hadn't made up his mind about her or them and she couldn't really be angry. They both needed each other today and gave each other what they had. Their relationship was still broken though. When she got out, she dried her hair, washed her face and brushed her teeth, steeling her resolve with each action. Taking a deep breath she opened the bedroom door and saw what she'd expected. He was gone. She dressed in leggings and tank before stripping the linens off the bed and throwing them in the wash. The scent of Robert and sex hung in the air but clean sheets was a good start.
THE NEXT DAY...
"I'm sorry," Andy said. "I thought I could do this. Just power through, but I can't. Please invoice me for the hour, but I'm going to need to reschedule."
"We absolutely can. I totally honor your requests, but before we hang up... I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't ask you if there was something you wanted to get off your chest." Trish said calmly.
Andy debated before speaking, but decided what the hell? She was pretty sure Trish already thought she was a mess anyway. "I slept with him."
The therapist showed a bit of confusion. "Robert? You slept with your husband?"
Andy replied quickly. "Of course it was Robert, who else would it be?" She couldn't hide the annoyance in her voice.
Trish ignored the last bit of Andy's statement and asked, "And why is that a problem for you? You're married. As long as it's what you wanted... it was safe and consensual, that's pretty par for the course." Trish had many thoughts, but wanted to see what was coming up for Andy.
"It just felt...I don't know. Not wrong, but..." Andy circled her brain trying to find the right words. "Like we were using each other."
"I'm not here to judge you and you don't have to make yourself wrong for being intimate with your partner, Andy." Trish said gently. "Here's what I will say... Sex when used as an act to express love and connect is one thing. Sex used to avoid, numb and forget is something else. Neither is wrong...they both have their place and only the two of you know what it was." She paused for a moment. "But I would definitely encourage you to ask yourself whether or not it was supportive of your long term relationship goals."
Andy shook her head slightly. "Why do I feel like I just got smacked in the face in the nicest way possible?" Andy asked rhetorically.
Trish chuckled. "Therapy isn't about right or wrong, good or bad. It's about understanding ourselves, knowing what is driving our behavior, processing, healing and learning to make decisions that really support the life we are trying to create." Seeing Andy warming up she asked. "So are you sure you want to end early?" She was hopeful that Andy would re-engage.
Grateful for an environment where it was safe to show up imperfectly and process what was going on internally, Andy took a deep breath and said, "I'm already here...I guess we should continue."
"Okay, so how did you do with last week's homework?" Trish asked.
Andy laughed nervously. "Well... I guess I should start with this. In our first session, I said, my mom died...and...well..." She found herself struggling to put the words together.
"Whatever it is, Andy. It's safe to share here. You can shoot it to me straight." Trish coaxed her warmly.
Andy shook her head and took a breath. "When I was nine my mom died or at least I thought she did. My dad told me she did, we had a funeral and everything… that's when he tried to send me to therapy and I wouldn't talk so he stopped making me go. Well, it turns out, she isn't really dead. She just left." Andy paused to see if Trish was still tracking with her or had any detectable response and when she didn't see one, she continued. "My mom... she just moved to New York and started her career over because she never wanted to be a mother. After my dad died all these secrets came out and I learned that he'd lied to me all those years. I reached out to my mom's sister and eventually she contacted me back. I saw my mom again for the first time in over twenty years, breathing, alive and well..." Andy was silent for a moment after releasing so much. "So yeah... that's what I looked at for the homework," she added casually, as if she hadn't just dropped a bit of a bomb in the middle of their session.
"Wow," Trish said, doing her best to show her amazement in the most neutral way. Years of practicing therapy, she'd found not showing her shock to be the best strategy, despite how in awe she was at some of the crazy things that came up in her sessions. "That's a lot to unpack, Andy."
Hearing Trish's response, Andy broke out into hysterical laughter. When she did come back to herself, she looked into the computer screen and said, "It's okay, Trish...it's a complete and utter shitshow." Nodding her head slightly, "We can be honest about that."
Trish laughed lightly and nodded her head in agreement. "Well, the good thing is, we can only eat an elephant one piece at a time. We won't dig into all of that today." She offered a gentle smile. "So, let me ask you this, when you came to me Andy, it was because you knew you had issues with trust that were negatively affecting how you showed up in your most important relationship. When you zoom out, like you did this past week...what about all of that do you feel like is affecting you the most right now?"
Andy took a moment to think about her answer. "It's a bit of a toss up, I think. Either the fear of being left behind or finding out that the most important relationship I've ever had, next to my husband, my one constant in life, spent most of my life lying to me. I mean, he did it under the guise of protecting me and that's what has allowed me to find some way to move forward, but it was still thousands of lies over two decades. I still struggle to make sense of it and I have questions that I don't know I'll ever get the answers to."
"Let's dig in there," Trish said, directing the next portion of their session.
Andy and Trish continued talking for another 30 minutes about how she'd learned her parents epic love story wasn't really that at all, maybe in the beginning, but by the end… She'd talked about how her childhood memories were fuzzy and it was only after starting to look through old pictures when her dad died that she started to remember things and it was different than what she thought. She shared about feeling angry, hurt and betrayed by all the secrets and lies.
By the end she was in tears. It felt like someone poking right up against a nerve. Everything hurt, not just emotionally, but physically. She felt exhausted and worn out. Trish reassured her that it was a normal response to releasing trauma and gave her a new homework assignment. Write a letter to her dad and tell him how she felt.
A COUPLE DAYS LATER...
Richard and Robert were meeting for their weekly coffee meeting. Still observing COVID protocols, they made a habit out of meeting at the coffee cart outside the hospital and walking to a nearby park.
"I told you I wouldn't be worried until you reached the monthly hotel rate... Should I be worried?" Richard asked. Robert had mentioned that he still didn't have things sorted with Andy and based on Richards estimation, it had been about three weeks.
"I mean..." Robert struggled to explain. He wasn't home and despite weeks of "taking space" he hadn't resolved anything. "I guess...it's never been this hard before... I want to forgive and move on but I don't know a part of me just can't. It sounds ridiculous, I'm an adult I know how to forgive. I mean, hell I was married before. This just feels different."
"And why do you think that is, son?" Richard inquired. Robert gave him a look that said "if I knew I wouldn't be here at this moment talking to you about it", but Richard still remained silent.
Robert thought long and hard before finally speaking. "I think I feel disappointed... I mean maybe this is ego talking, but I just thought we were better than this. I obviously expected us to fight and have disagreements but I never thought we'd end up in a situation where we were both questioning whether or not we actually want to be together and I think beyond that..." Robert was quiet for a moment, not having admitted this out loud before. "I'm tired. It just feels like we've been fighting for our marriage since day one. We've barely had time to breathe. I can't help wondering if maybe that's just a sign that we just shouldn't be together."
Richard's heart pricked with empathy at the words Robert had just shared. He sounded frustrated and maybe even a little ashamed to feel the way he was feeling about his marriage and Richard knew from experience what that was like. He took a breath and spoke. "Your feelings aren't wrong, Robert. You've been through hell this past year and your relationship has been under pretty constant pressure for a long while now. It's not necessarily a sign that you aren't meant to be together, it's just life reminding you that it's not a fairytale."
Robert chuckled a bit disheartened. "Well, how do I tell the universe, I'm aware that life isn't a fairytale, but does it have to be hell? Does everything have to be so damn hard?" With everything he'd faced at this point in his life, Robert was under no illusion that life would be easy, breezy and complication free. And he wasn't weak, he could and did take a lot, but it was just starting to feel unfair. Didn't he and Andy deserve happiness?
"Does loving your wife feel hard," Richard questioned gently.
"No." Robert said, shaking his head a bit. "Loving her is as natural to me as breathing." The words slipped out before he could censor them. "It's just everything else..."
"It's normal to buckle under prolonged periods of stress, Robert. Even if we just look at your body for example... When you lift weights, the strain is creating microscopic tears in your muscle tissue. When you rest, cells in your body help heal the damaged tissues and that's actually when you grow stronger. With your relationship, you've not had much time at rest, to process everything you've been through together so that you can grow stronger."
Robert heard what Richard was saying, but wasn't sure what that meant in terms of actions. "I get what you're saying. That describes us, perfectly... But what do I do? We're farther apart then we ever have been, we try to talk it turns into a fight, things are chaos at the Station with the Chief watching our every move, I took time off when she was sick and we're still in a pandemic so it's not like we can take a vacation and just be together...I'm kind of at a loss here."
"Start small," Richard said plainly. "Find something you both enjoy doing, let your guard down and just talk." He shrugged his shoulders for emphasis. "I suspect that when you both relax, disconnect from the craziness of the world around you and create some space for just the two of you, there won't be as much distance as it seems."
MEANWHILE ACROSS TOWN...
"I've gotta admit, this feels a little weird." Maya said from her place at the bar in Robert and Andy's kitchen.
Andy scrunched her nose a little bit. "Which part?" She questioned. "Us drinking at my place instead of yours or my place also being our Captain's and former Battalion Chief's place?"
Maya and Andy shared a much needed laugh.
"Both!" Getting her wits about her Mays asked, "Do you remember after Ripley's memorial, you tried to act like nothing was going on with you two."
Andy smirked remembering that night well. She had totally played it off with Maya, but went home that night thinking hard about Robert and trying to rationalize away the feelings she knew were developing. "Well, technically, nothing was going on with us at that point," she said.
Maya rolled her eyes a bit, "Semantics." The two friends were quiet for a moment before Maya asked. "You hangin' in there?"
Andy took a long pull of beer and sighed deeply. "Barely." Shaking her head she added. "It just seems like it's one step forward, two steps back. It's like no matter what I do or say...it's not enough. I'm stuck in a holding pattern and all I can do is wait. I mean... I like to think that this is all for the best and eventually it will work out, but what if it doesn't?" Her question was largely rhetorical, but Maya answered anyway.
"You'll grieve, you'll drink, you'll probably sleep with someone inappropriate, you'll feel it and eventually...you'll move on." Maya said a bit uncertain at the advice she was giving her friend, but knowing it was the truth she needed to hear. The reality was, her marriage may actually be over and that wasn't lost on either of them.
Andy looked away briefly, "I don't want anyone else, Maya." She sighed deeply. "I just want him."
"I know," Maya said. She gave her friend an empathetic look. "And for the record, while yes, as your best friend, it is my job to tell you that if your relationship is over, you will get through it... I also believe you two can get past this like all the other hard stuff you've faced together. It's been rough, but you always seem to come out stronger."
"What if this time is different," Andy said, emotion thick in her voice. "I just feel like... I don't know. Like maybe it's too much. She shook her head, pulling herself back. "I'm tired of talking about me. How are you? How's married life and how are you feeling about returning to work in a few days?"
With that the two friends caught up on how Maya and Carina were adjusting, what had changed and how things were going with her mom, etc. They talked for a couple hours and just enjoyed each other's company before Maya headed back home. After she left, Andy stretched out on the couch and turned on a cooking show. She was pulled out of sleep by the ringing of her cell phone.
"Hey," Robert said into the phone when Andy answered. He released a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. He felt nervous, like asking a girl to winter formal or something instead of talking to the woman he was married to.
"You okay," Andy replied, sleeping in her voice, but skipping pleasantries. With the way things had been, hearing from Robert seemed a bit odd so she wanted to make sure there wasn't something wrong.
"Yeah," Robert said. "I'm fine. You sound like you were sleeping," He added, thinking it was too early for her to be in bed.
Rubbing the sleep out of her eyes a bit, Andy looked towards the window, the sun was setting, but it wasn't dark out yet. "I fell asleep on the couch watching a show." She was silent for a moment and Robert didn't rush to fill the void. "What's up?"
"I was wondering...Do you want to go on a hike tomorrow? I know you love Goldbar and I haven't been to Bridal Veil since I've been back to Seattle." he said casually. "We can talk."
Andy's eyes lit up at his suggestion. All she wanted to do was talk and he was right, she loved Goldbar. "I would love that."
"Good." Robert sighed in relief, "We should probably get on the road by 8:30a to hit the trail by 10a."
"That sounds perfect." Andy said. "I'll pack lunch." Grateful she actually had groceries in the house for sandwiches. She'd been trying to do better about eating real meals and taking care of herself since being sick.
"Sounds good," Robert said. "I'll see you in the morning then."
"I'll see you in the morning," Andy said with a smile on her face. They hung up the phone and she felt genuinely happy for the first time in a long time.
That next morning they made great time getting up north. With traffic going the opposite direction and a good playlist of music on to distract them, they spent most of the drive in companionable silence. Neither rushing to dive into the issues on the table. After parking, using the bathroom and making it to the trailhead they set out for the climb.
When she couldn't take their silence anymore, Andy asked, "So, how do you think things are going with McCallister?" She knew they had to start somewhere and work was the obvious choice.
"Good, I think," Robert said following along the narrow part of the trail behind Andy, "We've made great budgetary adjustments to reduce costs and maintain efficiency, response times are down, call times down, patient saves are good. I don't want to get my hopes up, but I'm thinking he'll be pleased. We'll have a better idea next week when he sends over his 4 week eval. During the 90 day probation, we're on 4-week evaluations of the team stats instead of 6."
"Well, that's positive," Andy said, unsure where to take their conversation next. When Robert piped up, she breathed a little easier.
He was nervous about the way the day would go, whether or not they could make any sort of progress and just how to even go about talking about some of the issues that had come up over the past few weeks. He also knew that Andy had tried multiple times to initiate conversations and today it was on him. He had to be the one to go first. "I'm not totally sure where to start here," he said a bit awkwardly, "but I know that I hate that you and I were ever potentially in line for the same job."
Andy stopped walking and turned around causing Robert to nearly bump into her. "What?" She was taken for a loop by what Robert had just said.
After reaching out to make sure Andy didn't fall, Robert put his hands on his hips and looked away. When he turned back and found Andy's eyes, he said, "In NA we spend a lot of time looking at regrets and working through them... one of my biggest regrets is that my actions on the job made it so that we were somehow competing for the same promotion opportunities. I just keep thinking if I'd never been bumped back to grunt and desperate for a promotion, we never would have ended up here."
Andy and Robert moved further off to the side and let a group of hikers pass them. "You got injured on the job and got sick, Robert. Addiction is a disease that's out of your control." Andy insisted as she defended him, to him. "That's not your fault."
"I know that's true, but it still doesn't change the fact that if I had kept my job as Battalion Chief our career trajectories would never have overlapped and we wouldn't have found ourselves in a position where you had to wonder if I was doing something to undermine you."
"Okay yes, but I also could have just trusted you," Andy said plainly. It was easy for her to see her responsibility there despite understanding more than ever, since starting therapy, just why she had the trust issues that she did.
"You and I both know that's easier said than done," Robert said honestly and while it still pricked at him that Andy struggled to trust him fully in this area he did have some understanding of why. "Look, I guess I just want you to know that I'm not interested in changing you." He thought back to what he'd heard her tell Jack. "I love your drive and your ambition. You challenge me to up my game and I want you to have all the success you deserve. I want to help you and support you." Robert watched Andy's expression soften and her eyes brighten. He wasn't totally sure what her response meant, but he continued. "And I definitely, definitely don't want to compete with you."
Warmth filled Andy's stomach as she listened to Robert's words, really listened. He wasn't angry or frustrated, he wasn't trying to defend his actions and strangely she wasn't letting frustration cloud her ability to hear him clearly. They were just talking and listening to each other in a way they hadn't done in longer than she wanted to admit. She wished with everything in her that they'd done this sooner. They were nuts to think all their avoiding and putting off important conversations wouldn't eventually come back and bite them in the ass. In her mind, she knew why they did it. Life had been so crazy for them and their time to just enjoy each other had been so limited. She thought back to her finally coming back home after the separation. So much hot sex. They could barely keep their hands off of one another and rightfully so. Between spending months fighting their attraction, the drama unfolding as they finally got to be together and the separation they took in service of Robert's sobriety. All they wanted to do was enjoy each other.
As she thought about how to respond, Andy's head dropped back and she looked up through the trees and towards the sky momentarily. "God, I wish we'd done this sooner." Rubbing a hand over her eyes in frustration she settled back on Robert's face. "I hate it too. I don't want to be at odds with you." She took a breath. "C'mon let's keep walking."
Robert fell back in step with his wife as they continued walking the rocky trail. "So what do we do?" Robert asked and he wasn't sure if it was rhetorical or not. He didn't really have a solve for their current situation. "We're here now?"
Tongue in cheek, Andy replied. "Well, it'd be great if you'd just get your old job back, become Battalion Chief again, you can promote me and all will be right with the world." She spoke casually and with a slight grin in an effort to lighten the mood some. When Robert gave her a sideways glance, she couldn't hold back her laughter anymore. Ahhhh... she thought to herself, "this feels good...us being us..."
"I'll get right on that," Robert quipped back with humor in his voice. They walked further in comfortable silence before Robert added, "Why was this so hard before?" He wasn't sure why this time was different than the other times but he was grateful that it was.
"I wish I knew," Andy said genuinely.
They heard the waterfall before they could see it and this pushed them to keep going, despite the steep incline, narrow stairs and rocky terrain. Taking short breaks when they needed to, they finally made it to the stunning 100 foot waterfall and were not disappointed. Hues of white, grey and blue danced in the sunlight against the broad streams of water from Lake Serene that poured over the 100 foot rock face.
"This is incredible," Robert said as he and Andy stood side by side taking in the waterfall. "It's better than I remembered."
"Totally makes the hike worth the workout," Andy replied back easily.
After snapping some pictures they scouted an out of the way spot to eat their packed lunch and relax a bit. Seated on a large rock, they ate and had easy dialogue about how beautiful the Pacific Northwest was. There was some space between them from where the backpack had acted as a makeshift lunch table. With leftovers and their garbage tucked away, the backpack off to the side, the space was empty now and Robert considered filling it.
Staring out at the horizon, the massive waterfall off to their right, flowing down towards the Skykomish Valley with Mt. Index resting just beyond it, Robert thought about sliding down the large rock and closing the distance, wrapping an arm around his wife and pulling her into him, but he resisted. They'd started opening up on the hike up and things were feeling good, but something in him didn't want to risk the seemingly delicate peace they'd created.
Letting his mind wander, he thought about how crazy it was to have these kinds of views available to them just 90 minutes from home and wondered why it had taken so long for him to get back here . Glancing back over to his wife, he smiled softly. She wore black yoga pants that made her ass look great, a burgundy cropped tank that wasn't supposed to be sexy, but definitely was. Her lean, sculpted abs were on display and the cut of the top showed just enough cleavage to remind him of the supple breasts just below. She'd started the hike with her hair down in loose waves, but pulled it up into a messy topknot as it got hotter. Loose tendrils grazed the sides of her slightly damp neck and couldn't help but think about how her pulse often jumped when he kissed that spot just under her ear.
He shook his head lightly to himself as he thought of her. She hadn't just turned his world upside down, she'd turned it diagonal, side-ways and quite literally brought a tornado of joy and happiness he didn't realize he'd been missing. He couldn't really explain it, despite being opposites in so many ways, they just seemed to fit. He was neat and she was messy, he was early and she skated in at the last minute, he was an early riser, but she loved to sleep in, the list went on... He remembered standing in the doorway of his bedroom one morning before she'd officially moved in when he knew he could love her forever if she let him.
FLASHBACK
They hadn't had a night apart, except work shifts, since she'd come to his doorstep a couple weeks ago. Shirtless, donning grey joggers and carrying two cups of coffee in his hand Robert looked at his bedroom and smiled. Andy was still asleep in bed, the top sheet and duvet a slept in mess, there were clothes strewn about on the chair and floor at the bottom of the bed. It looked a bit like the Tasmanian devil had run through the room, but Robert-Compulsively-Neat-Sullivan didn't care. He just knew if she kept loving him and looking at him the way she did, he'd happily accept her messiness. He sat on the edge of the bed and put his cup of coffee down on the bedside table before stroking her cheek softly.
Andy's eyes fluttered open and she offered him a sleepy smile of appreciation. "Aren't you a vision?" It was more of a statement than a question.
"Me or the coffee," Robert teased a little.
Andy grinned as she sat up in bed and ran a hand through her mess of curls. "Both." Accepting the cup of coffee and sighing in delight at her first sip. She peered over at Robert from behind her mug. "I love my coffee first thing, but waking up to you definitely doesn't suck." They both laughed and leaned in to share a sweet kiss.
"Good Morning," Robert said, his deep baritone voice low. Their foreheads rested against one another's just lightly.
"Morning," Andy returned his gaze with a sleepy smile.
"How'd you sleep?" Robert asked with genuine concern as he picked up his own coffee from the bedside table and took a sip.
"Good," Andy replied simply. "Although, I'm starting to wonder if my actual bed and the rest of my things are getting jealous."
"Well I'm nothing if not hospitable," Robert replied coolly. It was quick and he knew it, but if he had his way, she'd pack up her things, move in and never leave. He'd wait for the right time and eventually he'd ask her. He'd already given her a key, everything else just seemed inevitable.
"That you are..." Andy replied, taking another sip of her coffee before setting the mug down on the nightstand. "You cook, make delicious smoothies and a perfect cup of coffee...seems like I should be keeping you around." Her eyes gleamed as she flirted.
"Well, I do have other skills, you know..." Robert sat his mug on the coffee nightstand and leaned forward.
"Is that so?" Andy questioned with a shameless grin. "You should probably share them with me." She added just before her hands cupped his cheek and she captured his lips."
They'd made love that morning, like they did many mornings. They showered, got ready and made their way out of his apartment and showed up to the station in separate cars. Then spent the day both missing each other and trying not to do or say anything that would 'out' them.
BACK TO PRESENT…
Andy snuck a glance over at her husband and wondered to herself, why did he have to be so damn attractive. That firm, chiseled jaw, bronze skin, piercing chestnut eyes, those broad shoulders and muscular chest that everything he wore clung to perfectly... ugh there was never a moment he didn't take her breath away. Eventually she focused herself, pierced the silence and pulled Robert out of his thoughts. "What are you thinking about?"
Robert smiled softly, "Nothing really..."
Andy gave him a look, "Your face disagrees with you." The look on his face was happy and wistful...she wondered what he was remembering.
"Just a random morning we had...when things were still simple," Robert said. "I mean...I don't know if anything with us has ever been simple, but..."
"I know what you mean," Andy finished for him. "Those early days when it was still new, just us in the apartment, no one knew. Lots of late nights...coffee in bed...morning sex...it was definitely easier." She shrugged her shoulders a bit. "I miss those days sometimes...but even if it doesn't seem like it, I think we're better now."
Robert held Andy's gaze, but the look in her eyes was unreadable. Some mix between being hopeful and worried. He took a breath before he spoke, "I keep wondering if we were just dating, if maybe something like this would end us. Be the thing that breaks us apart. I don't want to stay together for a piece of paper, Andy. Or because we've relied on one another through a lot of hard stuff and we're afraid to not be together."
Andy gave Robert a sideways glance. "Robert... we're so much more than that and deep down, I think you know it..." When he didn't reply, she didn't make it mean anything negative and just let them sit in silence. The wheels in his head were turning and she knew he was processing. After some time had passed, Andy decided to shift gears. She had some things she felt ready to share and now seemed like maybe a good time. "I started therapy a couple weeks ago." She said casually and picked invisible lint from her black cropped yoga pants.
"Really?" Robert said with a surprised look on his face.
Glancing over, Andy said. "I know." She shook her head a little, still not fully believing it herself. "But something about blowing up your life a little and not really knowing why... kind of makes you think it's time to talk to someone. Well that and Bailey of course."
"You talked to Bailey?" Robert asked curiously. It seemed she and Ben were working overtime to help their marriage get back on track.
"Yeah, we've been talking." Andy replied, intrigued by Robert's reply. Of all the things he paid attention to, it was that?
"Hhmmh..." Robert mused with a slight nod. He was definitely surprised by her omission. They were a lot alike when it came to the whole talking about feelings. It wasn't a strong suit for either of them.
Watching Robert's odd reaction, Andy questioned, "What?"
"Just thinking we're going to have to get her and Ben something really nice for Christmas," Robert joked. They both laughed. "How's it going?" he inquired, a bit nervous to hear her response.
"Mmmmm..." Andy sighed long and deep. "I don't totally know. It's been...enlightening...and hard." She thought for another moment. "It's like if you cut yourself and and it scabs over then you come back later and pick at the scab, it starts bleeding again. That's kind of how it feels. Like I'm digging around in old wounds."
"I get it..." Robert said thinking of himself, NA and Richard. "Sometimes my meetings and talks with Richard feel like that. Facing the past is hard, but bypassing your stuff never leads anywhere good. I learned that the hard way." He thought about how he'd ended up dependent on fentanyl as he spoke. He struggled to face the surgery he knew he needed because it might not work and if it didn't...what would he have left? His career had been everything for years. So he kept running and hiding, the pain kept getting worse and he had to do something to numb. It was a short time in his life, but he'd learned endless amounts of lessons from it.
"What's crazy is how you can see things so clearly for other people but not yourself." Andy said thoughtfully. "The whole thing has made me think about Ryan. His dad wasn't great… he was absent a lot and just wasn't someone Ryan could count on. I could see clearly how his issues with his dad made it hard for him to trust people, push them away, keep them at a distance… but I never really considered that for myself."
"What do you mean?" Robert's voice was low and gentle as he asked his question.
Taking a breath, Andy opened up further. "Well…for twenty years I thought my mom died and the fear of being abandoned or left behind again made me keep people at a distance, made it hard to trust. And even though my dad was someone I could count on and I really do believe he made the choices he did to "protect me", but he lied to me for years and repeatedly went behind my back to undermine me. I know he loved me...but everything else... I don't know what's true and I don't know what's a lie and he's gone. I can't ask him any of the hard questions I have."
"That is a lot to contend with and sort out" Robert said with a sad expression on his face. He hated to hear how she was hurting. "It's also courageous and brave." He reached for her hand and squeezed it. When she looked in his direction, he held her gaze.
"That may be true, but right now it just seems like I should have come with a warning label." Andy motioned to her forehead. "Damaged goods. Buy at your own risk."
"Guess that makes two of us." Robert replied knowing all of his own baggage. " And for the record, I didn't fall in love with your perfection, Andy." With a thumb running over her hand gently he took a breath and continued… reminding her and himself what it was that drew them together in the first place. "I fell in love with your heart...with your passion, with your drive...with how easy it was to open up to you and how you make me laugh. And we work or at least I thought we did... because we're both imperfect people, choosing to love each other anyway." Robert said.
Andy's heart swelled at his words. She tilted her head slightly and threw a little sass his way. "We still work Robert and I think today's proof that when we both get out of our own way, drop our guards and just talk...the things that make us, us are all still there." When he returned her smile, it did things to her insides. Their spark was still there...buried under some hurt and heartache...clouded by distance and a little time, it was still there.
"A few weeks of therapy and you've got it all figured out, huh?" Robert joked and returned her sass.
"What can I say, I've always been a quick study." Andy teased. "But I think if I'm being honest, I don't wanna fix us. What we had was good in a lot of ways but what if it could be better? What if we could love each other more? Understand each other better? Trust each other more deeply? What if this thing that almost broke us was something that brought us closer together?" Her hope for the future was evident in her voice.
"I hear you, I do... but aren't you tired?" Robert questioned sincerely. Surely, he couldn't be the only one feeling it. "It's been six months of one thing after another with enough drama for a Netflix Series. I mean...maybe it's a sign?" Andy laughed at Robert's description and this caused him to laugh too. "Cmon, I'm serious." He tried to say but couldn't hold back his own grin.
Andy's eyes lit up as they laughed together and acknowledged how crazy life had been. "I'm tired too. Who would have thought that when we finally decided to stop fighting being together all hell would break loose?"
"It feels unfair," Robert said honestly. It had taken him years to open up and love, really love someone again. To let someone in, trust them, think about a future outside of his career. And knowing Andy's past and hearing her open up more today... it just all felt like too much. Like there were forces outside of their control making things harder than they should be... what was the point of letting two people who weren't looking for love, fall hard for each other, if being together was gonna be a constant battle?
Andy looked over to Robert and took a small risk. She shifted from her place on the large rock, moved next to her husband and rested her cheek against his bicep. They stayed that way for a moment before Robert lifted his arm and pulled Andy into his chest. Holding her tightly, he sighed deeply and brushed a kiss over her forehead. Relishing in their closeness, Andy closed her eyes and softly said. "It does feel unfair...it feels like the universe giving us the proverbial finger. It's also what makes me hopeful that we'll make it through this too. We don't just know the good stuff. We know the bad, ugly, awful stuff and we still love each other." She felt Robert's head nod without looking up to see him. If she was sure about anything today it was that they really did both want the same thing. To just be….two people in love.
After sitting together for some time, they made their way down the trail. The steep incline they'd faced going up, was all down hill now and that presented its own set of challenges. Small streams, rocky terrain and steep stairs greeted them, but they took them all in stride. Feeling lighter and more adventurous on the way down, Andy took a couple slight detours and found herself wet from stream water, but she didn't care. She was happy. Her and Robert had finally turned a corner.
Just as they reached the end of the trail and the parking lot was in view she glanced over at Robert and yelled. "Race you to the car," Her eyes were wide in delight as she took off in the direction of Robert's SUV.
When he realized what was going on, Robert kicked it into high gear, the small hiking backpack on his shoulders doing nothing to slow him down. His long legs and wide stride made catching up to his wife a breeze. He passed her with a victorious smile. Seeing she was about to get beat, Andy yelped loudly enough to get Robert's attention and leaned over to clutch her ankle. When Robert heard Andy and saw her bending over, his gate slowed and he jogged back in her direction. Kneeling down to inspect her ankle he asked, "You okay?"
Andy laughed gleefully, "Sucker!" She yelled as she took off once again, certain her antics would delay her husband and she could win. She was steps from the car when Robert's strong arms hoisted her up.
"Cheater!" He said through laughter, enjoying the feel of his wife's body pressed up against his. Lowering her to the ground slowly, he whispered, "I think we'll call this one a tie."
Andy's breath hitched and her heart beat erratically out of her chest as Robert held her. For a moment, she tried to rationalize it as a result of her run, but she was barely winded. Pulled to him in a way she still couldn't explain, she held her husband's gaze and felt the air between them heat. A shiver raced through her in anticipation of what she hoped was coming. Robert's hand's cupped her cheeks and tilted her face up towards him causing her breath to catch in her throat. And when his lips finally took hers after what felt like a million years, she sighed in sweet relief.
Robert didn't hold back. His senses were immediately intoxicated by the feel of Andy's soft lips against his. Sliding his tongue into her mouth, he encountered no resistance as he explored. She melted against him, opened and invited him deeper. He felt her hands skate around his muscular back as she returned his kiss with equal fire. Desperate to get closer, he anchored her against the side of his crossover and leaned in. Lips locked, his muscular body flush against her curves, Robert groaned slightly into their fierce embrace.
Completely caught up in one another, it was only the loud voice of a passerby that pulled them out of their kiss . "Get a room!" They yelled.
Breaking apart, they shared an easy laugh. Neither embarrassed that they'd just been making out against a car like a pair of horny teenagers. The hike, their talk, the familiar connection had unlocked something in both of them. Robert brushed a kiss against Andy's forehead and for a long moment they just stood there. "Let's get out of here," he eventually said.
With that, they slid into the car and headed towards home. Hands resting comfortably in one another's, music from their shared playlist in the background, Robert guiding them down the I-5 corridor with ease. They didn't talk about the kiss, they didn't need to. There were no mixed signals and while they didn't have everything figured out, it seemed clear that they both loved one another deeply and wanted to be together no matter how hard things had been over the past few weeks. The only question was... would that love be enough?
"Ugh," Andy said as she and Robert walked through the front door. "I need a shower in the worst way." She stripped out of her sneakers and socks in the entryway. They were damp from her run through the stream and would need to go in the wash.
"Well, it might not be so bad, if you hadn't splashed through that stream." Robert teased, smiling at her.
"What can I say... I love adventure." Andy shrugged and returned his easy smile with one of her own. The day had been perfect. Despite some rough moments in their conversation, for the first time in weeks she felt like she could see a light at the end of the tunnel. It felt like finally, they were getting back on track. She wasn't ready for their time together to end. "You aren't in a rush are you?" She looked down briefly, taking a breath, then finding her husband's eyes.
Robert felt the best he had in weeks. Like they were seeing each other, communicating and connecting in a way they hadn't in some time. He hadn't made any grand announcements, but he had a certainty that he didn't have before. Maybe it was time to come home for good? He missed his wife, he believed she was sorry, he knew he'd made mistakes too and while they still had work to do...moving forward felt possible. "No..." he said slowly. "No rush."
Andy couldn't help the happy look on her face as she spoke. "Okay...I'll be quick," she said before giving him one last look, turning on her heels and heading upstairs to shower.
Robert took a few minutes to unpack the small backpack they'd taken hiking. He needed to do something, anything to distract him from what he really wanted to do. Andy had been upstairs about 10 minutes and the visual of her in the shower kept playing over and over in his mind. With every look, every skin graze, every omission and admittance...he'd felt his walls coming down. The more they talked, shared and were just them together, the harder it was to resist the deep longing he felt for her. Yes, they had chemistry...yes he knew they satisfied each other in bed...but this was different and more importantly, it was irresistible.
"Hell..." He muttered under his breath and headed towards the stairs. Taking them two by two, he made it upstairs in no time. He smiled slightly entering the master bedroom, everything was perfectly neat, which he wasn't expecting. He surmised, Andy must have been feeling nervous, because she cleaned when she needed to occupy herself. The door to the master bath was cracked. He saw her perfectly formed silhouette behind the steamy glass doors. Stripping out of his clothes, with a determined stride he opened the glass door and stepped into the shower.
When she'd gone up, Andy toyed with the idea of Robert joining her in the shower. Today had far exceeded her expectations...which if she was being honest, were pretty low. The fact of the matter was, she'd attempted multiple conversations with her husband over the course of a couple weeks and pretty much all of them had ended in an argument of some sort. While she hadn't expected them to be in a full scale yelling match on the trail, she suspected there could be some weird energy and awkward silence. What had caught her pleasantly by surprise was just how easy it had been to talk once they relaxed and were just sharing from the heart.
Neither of them were defensive, but just open and trying to communicate as honestly as possible while understanding the other person. The longer they were together, the more open they both were, the easier it was to lean into the familiar feelings of desire. With every glance, every touch, every open-hearted share, Andy felt herself aching for their connection. By the time they'd had that kiss at the car, she was ready to strip down right there.
Having just rinsed the shampoo out of her hair, Andy turned to face the shower spray and squeezed her body wash into her loofah. Just before she could lather herself up, she felt a cool gush of air as the shower door opened. Her husband stood behind her and pulled her slick body up against him. Leaning down, Robert nipped at her neck and sucked just underneath her ear...a move he knew was often her undoing. "I thought you might need help washing your back." His low baritone voice tickled the side of her ear.
Sighing deeply and leaning into Robert's firm chest, Andy whispered. "It took you long enough."
Taking the soapy loofah from his wife's hands, Robert proceeded to draw lazy circles across her back, stomach and over her breasts. When he had sufficiently lathered her up, she reached for his cedar scented body wash and loofah, returning the favor. Standing under the spray of the shower, they rinsed off and it wasn't long before Andy felt her back pressed into the cool marble tile as her husband's lips plundered her.
The emotions from the day all being unleashed into their embrace, Robert lifted her up and in one smooth motion, pushed between her thighs. Andy's legs tight around his waist, he rolled his hips, rocked forward and was enveloped into her warmth. He kissed her hard before angling her back so he could suck on her neck. Andy's arms circled her husband and she held on tightly letting him both give her what she wanted and take what he needed.
Pleasure cascaded over her body like a tidal wave as she felt each powerful stroke. She let herself get lost in the feelings being stirred up in her body and when their lips found each other again she felt overwhelmed by how much she craved this man. "God, you feel good," she breathed and felt him increase the pace. "Come with me," Robert groaned against her lips. Andy gave herself over to the tension that had been coiling deep in her belly as he rocked hard within her, she came undone. They kissed again and again coming down from their orgasimic high before slipping back under the now lukewarm water.
Exhausted from their hike, the emotions of the day and their lovemaking in the shower, Robert and Andy fell into bed. It was evening when they woke and after ordering take out they relaxed on the couch to watch a movie. Enough big conversations had been had that day, while there was more to discuss, it seemed clear they were both ready to put the past few weeks behind them. They both wanted to enjoy the bubble of happy the day had brought them. While they didn't discuss Robert moving back home, he had every intention of checking out of his hotel after shift and they'd already made plans to spend their next few days off just focused on them. At bedtime, Robert laid on his side of the bed and Andy found herself back in her favorite place to be.
THE NEXT NIGHT…
Andy smiled to herself as she walked into the beanery from her bunk. She should be annoyed at how she'd been tossing and turning in bed, but nothing had wiped the grin off her face today. While she and Robert had driven to the station separately that morning, they had agreed to spend the day together again when they were off. She was on cloud nine and anxious for their shift to be over. Going to the beanery to make some tea, she saw a light on in the lounge and poked her head in to see who else couldn't sleep.
"We should both be in bed...what's got you up at this hour?" Andy asked Jack as he stared into his phone.
Jack got up from his place on the couch and held his phone up. On it was a picture of Inara in a sun hat and bikini with Marcus tucked into her hip. They were smiling brightly up against the backdrop of a perfectly blue Pacific Ocean. "Inara sent me this tonight," he replied. "I told her to go and be happy, we wished each other well, but I can't help but feel like I'm seeing my family move on without me.
"Well, what's the worst that could happen if you go after her? Maybe you weren't ready for marriage, but maybe there is still enough love there to give yourself the time to figure it out." Andy said thoughtfully.
"This is certainly a change?" Jack said observing her demeanor and advice. She wasn't the angry woman outside her best friend's wedding reception, nor was she the heartbroken wife from the past few weeks. Something was clearly different.
Andy smiled unabashedly, she didn't think she could have stopped it if she tried. "Robert and I are finally getting back on track, I think. I mean, I don't want to jinx it, but we're getting there." Jack held her gaze and nodded. "You know, I owe you an apology, actually." she added.
Confusion marred Jack's face. "For?"
"For making you my comfy blanket." Andy said drly with a laugh. She thought of Ryan as she spoke the words. "I'm realizing a lot of things right now, how my patterns affect other people and it occurred to me that almost anytime I'm upset with my husband, I complain to you about it." Andy looked over at Jack who was silent and waited for his response.
In the dim lights of the fire station lounge, Jack chuckled lightly seeing her point. He hadn't really thought of things that way, but was seeing her point. "We always were friends first, Andy." He finally said.
"That may be true, but it's still not really fair to do that to the man who's marriage proposal you turned down." She replied. "And I'm sorry."
"Apology accepted," Jack said easily. "I guess if we're being honest here, there was definitely a time after we broke up that I wondered if we might find ourselves back together. But therapy helped me see that we never would have worked out. Not in the long run. And honestly... I know no matter how upset you get, you do love him. You were never this broken up over me." He said jokingly, doing his best to keep his tone light and playfully. The current of truth running underneath was unmistakable though.
Not totally sure what to say, Andy reached out a hand and patted Jack's cheek. "You're a good friend, Jack. And I hope you find a love that makes you as crazy as Robert makes me sometimes. If that's Inara for you, then she's worth fighting for." They stood there for a moment exchanging a meaningful look before hearing a noise coming from the beanery.
Both Jack and Andy looked up and saw Robert shutting the refrigerator door harder than it needed to be closed. Andy's eyes connected with Robert's and though she'd done nothing wrong, she felt like a deer in headlights. Robert took his bottle of water and quickly headed back towards the hallway leading downstairs. Seeing his facial expression, Andy darted out of the lounge after him, not giving Jack a second look. "Robert, wait!" She said in some combination of a whisper and a yell. It was technically the middle of the night and most everyone in the station was sleeping.
Robert ignored her pleas at first, before eventually turning around. "For what? For you to say it's not what it looks like?" Anger and the unfamiliar sensation of jealousy coursed through his veins. He wasn't totally sure what he'd seen, but he knew he didn't like it. He knew this was the second time in under a month that he'd found his wife in an intimate exchange with her ex and while the last time it was just words... those words had literally tortured him day and night for weeks.
Utterly confused and quickly feeling her temperature rise, Andy tried to counter. "It's not wh..."
Not wanting to hear it, Robert cut her off. He'd seen what he needed to see. "Your hand was on his cheek, Andy. You were staring into each other's eyes, what was going to happen next?" Robert bit back.
Hands on her hips, unable to hold back her anger any longer, Andy was in complete disbelief. "What is wrong with you?" She knew she hadn't done anything wrong and yet here she was being treated as if she'd been caught naked with her ex.
"It doesn't matter. I was foolish to think this was actually gonna work. You can do whatever you want." With that Robert took a few more steps and began to head down the stairs.
"No," Andy exclaimed, louder than she intended, but too upset to care at this point. "You don't get to..." And before she could add anything to her diatribe or Robert could reply. The alarm rang. "Engine 19. Ladder 19. Aid Car 19." They both gave one another one last angry look before running to the barn.
When they returned to the station from the call, Andy waited a few moments in the engine letting the rest of the team get to the turnout closet before her. She needed a moment. When 19 arrived on scene, it was a house fire spreading quickly. She had been on search & rescue with Ben and just as she had crossed the entry way into the kitchen, the ceiling collapsed leaving her separated and trapped. It had taken a moment for her to gather her bearings once the smoke and dust cleared. She remembered hearing Ben yelling through debris, "Your husband will kill me, if I let something happen to you" and Robert's voice yelling for her to check in over comms.
For one quick second she paused and a flash of bad calls passed before her eyes, but it wasn't long before she hopped into action and pulled her axe. The door was likely a fiberglass mix, but the wall next to it would be sheetrock and wood. Moving to the side she began pummeling the wall. By the time she started to see small glimmers of light on the outside from the damage she had done to the wall, she heard Robert's voice yelling for her to stand back. With the chainsaw, he'd be through the woodframe of the house in no time. She'd be lying if she said she hadn't felt a small sliver of relief, despite knowing she had basically saved herself and would have finished the job if he hadn't been there.
Robert followed her into the turnout closet, but kept a safe distance. "You okay," he asked cautiously, watching Andy angrily throw her turnout gear into her station. She'd said she was fine after the call and to the average observer, it would look like it, but he knew her better than that.
"I'm fine," Andy said quickly, not turning around. She felt anything but fine, the call hadn't been her worst by far, but it had been months since she felt her heart pound in her chest during a call like she did today. Not to mention the fight she and Robert had just before. Her emotions had been put through the ringer, it was an hour past the time their shift would normally end and all she wanted to do was get out of there.
"It wasn't your fault. We had no way of knowing the roof was so unstable." Robert said as he took a few more steps in her direction. "This isn't one of those times where you have to be hard on yourself."
Andy finally turned around to face her husband, who had closed the distance. "Hard on myself? Don't act like you know what's going on in my head Robert, you don't." She was pissed and despite the deep breaths she couldn't seem to get her emotions under control. "And for the record, I didn't need you coming in after me." she added, holding his gaze defiantly.
"If my wife is trapped in a burning building, I think we've established... I'm coming in after her." Robert said dryly. He knew she was angry both at him and the call, but that didn't stop him from saying something he knew would probably make the situation worse.
Andy rolled her eyes at Robert's statement. "Your wife? Are you kidding me?" She growled in frustration. "Minutes before responding to that call you were pissed at me for nothing. One misinterpreted interaction with Jack and you tell me I can do whatever I want, throw all our progress from the day before down the drain." Her voice raised as her anger spilled over. "And then, because I get into a tricky situation doing my job, I'm supposed to believe that you care. How?"
To himself, Robert could admit that maybe his quick temper had gotten the better of him. When he saw Andy pat the side of Jack's cheek in the lounge, though it looked innocent enough, he had a flash of her back in that burgundy dress, leaning up against that brick wall, spilling her guts about how unhappy she was in her marriage and wasn't sure she even loved him. "What are you talking about?" Robert asked, confused at her statements. "Of course I love you, Andy. My love for you isn't on trial here. I've done nothing to make you doubt it."
"Except forgive me." Andy yelled loudly. Emotion welled up in her throat, but she swallowed it down and continued. "Except give me the one thing I actually need." She stepped back from him and put distance between them. "When you really love someone you forgive them. When you make a vow to someone for better or worse, you forgive them. When you tell someone you want to live a long, long life and love them every minute of it, don't you expect that at some point you will have to forgive them." Tears pooled in her eyes, but she didn't let them fall. She wasn't just hurt now, she was angry. "And you're right, I didn't doubt your love for me until I realized that you're never going to get over this. I've apologized and done everything I can to make this right, but no matter what I say or what I do, you're still punishing me. It's one step forward, two steps back. You keep finding reasons to be mad at me."
"That's not fair," Robert said. "I'm trying to figure this out. I am trying so damn hard to forgive and get past this. To not completely shut down, to lean in, to open up when everything in me says run. You have no idea..." He tried to continue, but was interrupted. Putting his hands on his hips in frustration, his gaze drilled into his wife.
Andy shook her head and spoke over him. She knew where he was going and on a different day she might let it slide, but not today. Not after how she'd shared with him yesterday and not after the work she'd been doing in therapy. "No, you don't get to do that. You don't get to stand there and act like we both don't have messy, complicated pasts that make trusting someone and being in a relationship with them hard. We both have stuff, Robert."
"So not only should I be on your timeline, I'm also not entitled to acknowledge why I'm having a hard time moving past this?" His question was largely rhetorical but Andy had an answer.
"I know this is hard for you, it's hard for me too. I have reasons why I did what I did and you have reasons why you can't seem to move forward...but I guess the real issue is how long. How much longer are you gonna be mad at me? How much longer should I wait? 3 more weeks? 3 months? 3 years? How much more time do you need to decide I'm still the woman you want to be with?" Andy yelled.
Robert was stunned by her honesty and left speechless. She was right to be angry. He'd said for weeks now that he needed time and she gave it to him. She'd let him have the space he said he needed and yesterday he was sure that they were on the right track. He thought he'd check out of the hotel today and go back home, but seeing her and Jack together looking cozier than he was comfortable with pulled a reaction out of him that he'd not had before. "Of course you're the woman I want to be with…" He finally said.
"I think you want that to be true and I want that to be true, but I just don't believe that anymore." Andy said.
It was so crazy because after yesterday nothing could have convinced her they weren't going to be fine. It had been everything she'd been hoping for after a hellish month apart, but in a matter of minutes it all seemed to be undone. After they had both poured their hearts out, after incredible lovemaking, after committing to refocus on just being them...one small thing had set Robert off and he was pushing her away again. She couldn't take it anymore. Her heart literally couldn't take it.
"What are you saying?" Robert's brow furrowed as he listened to her words.
She felt sick to her stomach knowing she had to get off the rollercoaster. "You need to make up your mind, Robert. Are we moving past this together or are we moving on apart?" Andy said. "I love you, but I have spent weeks laying myself bare for you, turning myself inside out... I can't stay in this holding pattern anymore and at this point I shouldn't have to."
Robert wasn't sure what to say at this point. He wanted to tell her she was right and he was sorry for being so stubborn, that he believed her and trusted her, but he couldn't seem to find the words. He sighed and looked away briefly, when he turned back he tried to reason with her. "Andy, I..."
She could hear it in his tone, he wasn't going to tell her what she wanted to hear. Interrupting his hesitant words Andy said, "You stood in this very room and told me I was the only good thing in your life." Shrugging her shoulders. "Clearly that was a lie if you're willing to let me go." Andy headed toward the door of the turnout closet, looking back she shook her head and added. "I'm gonna make all this easier on you. I'm done. I'll be out of the apartment next week."