Amanda raced into the squad room, heart pounding so hard it was surely heard through the entire department, not caring at all that the other detectives saw the tears streaking down her cheeks, not caring that her coffee was spilling out as she ran. "What happened?" She threw open the door to the Deputy Chief's office. "Charles..What happened? Where is she? Where is my sister?"
"Sit down Amanda. Here...easy..sit down sit down." She melted into his arms, as she felt her legs give out under her, and she was sobbing. "SHhh...Amanda...Hey..Mandy..Shhhh..." He held her, his big hand strong on her trembling back, and for what must be the millionth time, she was thankful for his support. if ever she needed a father it was now.
"What did she do? What did Kim do?" Amanda asked, between sobs, her hands clutching desperately at the fabric of his suit. "Charles...what did she do?"
"Your sister went into a convenience store, and attempted to pay for a six pack of beer and a full tank of gas with a fraudulent check. Upon closer inspection, it seems that she had done the very same thing on another twelve occasions, each time spending more than a hundred dollars."
"NO." Amanda breathed, feeling her heart break into tiny little pieces. "No. that's ...that's twenty to life.." Her mind was reeling. "I'm...I can't lose her...She's the only family I have..." Amanda looked at him, and saw steady strength in his kind eyes. "Chief..Can I see her?"
"Amanda. As a cop we all have to make difficult choices. Years ago, my oldest son worked under me and someday, I imagined, he would be Chief in my place. He was an amazing cop, you remind me of him in many ways, which is why I think we are so close, if I may be so bold as to assume that we are close. Joey was my pride and joy Amanda. He was easily the best cop, and he excelled at everything he did. He turned in more drug collars than Any other on the force, and I turned a blind eye to what I knew was the truth. He was pocketing the evidence. One Christmas afternoon, after our family dinner, I caught him shooting heroin in the downstairs bathroom. I had no choice Amanda. Nothing ever hurt me more than turning him in, taking him out to my squad car. Cuffing my own son, it was a knife in my own heart. Yet, I knew that I had to uphold the law. No amount of love can change what we swore to do, no matter how much we want it to. A cop, Amanda, can not ever put his or her own interests above that of the law. A cop can never break the law." Patton's voice had become hard, and Amanda heard an edge to it that she hadn't heard before.
"Can I just see her? Please Chief? " Amanda's voice broke and she stood, her legs shaking. "Can you..can you go with me?" She needed him, needed his strength, needed the feeling of having a father beside her in this, her hardest moment she'd ever lived. Telling her sister goodbye.
"Come on Darlin' " Patton braced her, walking beside her as they made their way to the basement of the building. Amanda felt all eyes on her as she followed the Chief, saw everyone stand in respect, not for Patton, but for her. They knew she was taking the long walk, the walk that everyone in law enforcement dreads, the walk to say goodbye to a family member before they head off to a life behind bars. Amanda choked back a sob as she stepped into the elevator, the temperature in the building falling as she made her way to the basement. She shivered , and wrapped her arms around herself. "Here." She felt the warmth of a coat pulled around her shoulders, and the scent of expensive cologne hit her like wind on a summer's day. Why it comforted her so much she didn't know, but it reminded her of the times she would sneak into the attic and curl up in her dad's bathrobe and read one of her favorite books aloud, pretending he was reading her a bedtime story. This was decidedly different, but she knew, she knew Patton would make everything ok. That's what fathers do. They make everything better.
"Kim!" Amanda's heart broke as she fumbled with the door of the holding cell, finally getting it open, holding her sister close to her when Kim launched herself into Amanda's arms. "Kimmy..what the hell did you do? Why the hell did you do it?"
"Sissy. I can explain..I really didn't..Manda, it's a trap..I didn't do anything. Seriously. Your Chief...he forged everything, he took me in..he arrested me..he...He wants you." Kim's voice was desperate, her eyes had taken on the look of a fox in a trap and her accusations ignited a fury in Amanda like nothing else every had.
"PATTON DID NOT DO THIS. WHY THE HELL CAN YOU NEVER ADMIT THAT YOU ARE WRONG? WHY MUST YOU ALWAYS BLAME YOUR SHIT ON OTHER PEOPLE?" Amanda shoved her sister away from her, fire in her eyes. "YOU FUCKED UP. ADMIT IT.!" She snarled. "I want to help you. I do, but I can't. Not when you try to blame my boss for your own shit. " She was breathing heavily. Her mind whirled. Where did Kim even come up with this stuff? "Tell me the truth, and I'll see what I can do?"
"I am telling you the truth Amanda. Really. You need to listen to me. Get out while you can. Please Sissy.. don't try to help me. That's what he wants." Amanda was struck by the urgency in her sister's voice but decided it was just another ploy. Another way to try to make her believe this stupid cock-and-bull story and gain her trust. But it wasn't going to work. Not on her.
"Save it for the Judge!" Amanda snarled, internally cursing herself for the cliche line, but it was all that came to her mind at this point in time. Her heart breaking, she turned and stalked out of the holding cell, slamming the door behind her with a loud clang.
"I'm sorry Amanda." Patton's hand on the small of her back steadied her. She turned to him, her eyes a stormy blue.
"She blamed YOU." Amanda snarled. "She blamed YOU. Said you were doing this to get at me. The very idea that you would do something like this!"
"Shhh...You are a very fierce wild cat." Patton chuckled, and inwardly Amanda wondered how he could be so unscathed by the whole thing, so calm. "I heard you defending me Amanda. And I thankyou for that, but Sweetheart- who are they going to believe? A respected police officer or a woman who was caught in a fraud charge? Honestly, she is quite stupid. I mean no offense to YOUR intelligence though my dear. None at all." He paused for a moment. "Let me treat you to dinner tonight. What with all the stress you've had today, we'll order in, I have some work to catch up on, and I think you might like to spend some time with me. I know we haven't had any father-daughter time since we went to that conference last month. Anywhere you like. My treat."
TRIGGER WARNING FROM HERE TO THE END. DO NOT READ IF DEPICTIONS OF SEXUAL ASSAULT ARE TRIGGERING FOR YOU.
"Thanks." Amanda smiled, sitting back in her chair in Patton's office, tossing the Chinese take-out container into the trash can that sat by the door. "Ha! Made it!"
"I'll say! Good job Kiddo!" Patton grinned at her, a smile dancing at the corners of his eyes. He straightened up, and looked Amanda in the eyes. "I know a way to save your sister."
"No." Amanda's eyes hardened. "She got what she deserved. You said so yourself. A cop has to uphold the law. I am not doing anything shady to save her, though I don't want her to suffer. I know what happens to women in jail and what the male guards do to them. i DON'T want that to happen to her." Amanda shuddered. Patton's eyes had taken on a dark look, like a wolf hunting his prey. She stood up, her legs shaking. "I think I'm going to go home now.
"Like HELL you are." Patton stood, reaching the door in two long strides, blocking off her only means of escape. "You will NOT leave. And you will NOT scream. If you do, I will make sure your sister ends up with the most Handsy, sex deprived guards. If you cooperate, I will make sure the evidence goes missing."
Amanda didn't cry out as the gun was placed on her temple, didn't cry out as Patton pulled off her uniform, didn't cry out as he entered her. She took herself, in her mind, to another place, to a place that was warm against the winter's chill, a place where the snow fell, a place where a Lioness stood between her and Patton. A lioness she was no longer worthy to stand beside.
"Dear Olivia.
Today was the worst day of my entire existence. I hope we never do meet again, and I am sure we will not. I have disgraced you. Dishonored you and myself. I allowed myself, a trained SVU detective, to be taken advantage of . I don't deserve to live. Tonight I am going to take my life. I have nothing to live for anyway, and even if I did, I can't bear the shame that I feel right now. I couldn't see what was right in front of me. Anyways, I am going to go. I love you Olivia. I always will."
Your Amanda.
Amanda picked up the phone with shaking hands, calling the number she never wanted to call. She had to hear the soft voice for one last time before she ate her gun. She had to hear the voice of her hero once more.
"Good evening. Svu. This is Olivia Benson." Amanda heard screaming. A long, loud wail that was coming from somewhere she couldn't place. She clutched the phone, burying her face in the fur of her dog.
"Hey...Hello...Sweetheart. Shhhhh...Hey...what's the matter...Honey? Are you there? Are you hurt?" Olivia's voice was so calm, so kind, so comforting, so warm that she felt soothed, and like she actually mattered to someone. "Shhh..can you tell me what's wrong? Honey? Where are you? The Area code is Alabama. Are you in New York?"
"Olivia...I...I got raped. I'm going to kill myself." Amanda said softly. "I can't go on. Not..Not now. I'm a cop. I..I..please don't trace this call, ok? Please." Amanda fought the desperation in her voice. "Olivia-"
"Yes Sweetheart. I'm here. I'm here. Don't hang up ok? I'm having a sucky day and I'm glad you called to talk to me. Do you think you want to talk about what happened or should we talk about my day?" Amanda could just picture Olivia sitting there at her desk, the thought strengthening her .
"Can we talk about your day?" Amanda asked, sniffling as she ruffled her dog's ears. "Please? I want something to focus on beside the gun in my hand."
"Of course." Amanda detected a catch in Olivia's voice. "But would you mind putting the gun down? Please? I really don't want to think about guns tonight. I..I lost someone today..she..she got shot. She died...I don't want to lose anyone else...I don't want to think about you sitting there with your gun..please put it down." Amanda's heart broke as she heard the choking sobs on the other end of the line.
"Ok. It's on the dresser. I put it down. I'm sitting on the bed with my dog, Banjo. Can you tell me about her?" Amanda asked, sighing as she closed her eyes.
"Her name was Alex Cabot. She was our ADA and my best friend, more even. I loved her. We were walking to the car from a night at the bar and a shooter drove by and she went down. I...I wasn't even able to say goodbye. Oh...I should've done something-" Amanda heard her sobs, and all she wanted to do was pull her into her arms and hold her.
"There was nothing you could've done. You couldn't have known. There's no way you could've prevented it. Olivia, there's nothing you could've done. You're amazing, yeah, but you're not superwoman. " Amanda scrunched up her eyebrows.
"There's nothing you could've done either, but you're going to kill yourself after this phone call. Because of something that happened to you. If you do that, -" Amanda heard a sound like someone punching a desk.
"Hey..Olivia, I..I'm not ..Hey...shhhh...I'm right here. I'm right here. It's going to be ok." Amanda desperately tried to comfort the other woman.
"Can I call you tomorrow? I..I'd like to talk to you..after the debriefing..It's going to be hard to face it on my own. I hope you'll answer the phone." Olivia's voice had take non a hopeful, begging tone.
"Yeah. I'll answer. I promise." Amanda smiled. They talked for a long time more, and when she finally went to be, she had a renewed sense of hope, everything would be okay, so long as she could be there for Olivia. In a way, she guessed, Olivia knew she would stay alive for her. And that's what she would do. She'd live for Olivia.