After that infamous night, things were not the same for Amanda Rollins. Her heart was broken, everyone seemed to notice that the once confident and proud Chief's assistant was now a shell of herself, and for what they didn't understand. She came to work, went through the motions, shying at everything. Tavers had become an unlikely ally, and for that Amanda was grateful. She didn't understand what had caused the sudden change in his behavior, why he had gone from sexist clone of his god forsaken uncle to something akin to a gentleman, miracle of miracles.
Through it all, Amanda had the worn newspaper clipping of Olivia in her wallet, and it helped her to keep something in the area of sanity. She bought a locket at a jewelry store, a beautiful golden thing with an ivy design that Amanda thought looked like the letter 'O' and she cut out a picture of Olivia and kept it around her neck, and often, throughout the day, she caught herself clutching it for comfort after Patton had brushed her behind with his hand, or when she had to go out of town to conferences with him, and be alone with him for hours at a time in a car. It was rough, she realized, but not the end of the world, not for her. She was a fighter, she was strong. She was a good person, not a tramp, not a worthless bitch, not any of the awful names she called herself when she sat alone in the hotel bathroom during a police conference, an old pocket knife at her wrists or her thighs. No, when she wore the locket, Amanda was strong, was someone she could be proud of. The cutting hadn't lasted long, it had been a brief romance, her and her blade. The last conference she'd been on, she had escaped early to her hotel room, because she hadn't wanted to spend a moment longer with her boss, and had taken a bath, setting her locket on the side of the tub. When she lifted her blade to her wrist, marveling at the way the silver metal shone in the light of the vanity, she knocked the locket onto the ground, and it had fallen open. She knew it was her imagination, but she saw sadness in the beautiful brown eyes, and shame had filled her heart. From that day forward, she never cut again. That was the first of many times that the thought of Olivia had helped her to overcome her demons. It shocked her how completely and irrecoverably she was in love with the beautiful woman, and each night, she still wished on the first star she saw that they would meet again and work together some day.
"Amanda." Rollins kept walking, her feet racing to her car as she expertly avoided the voice that called her name. "Rollins wait. You're going to want to hear what I have to say. You really will. "
"Leave me alone Patton." Amanda cried out when she felt a strong hand on her arm. She felt her heart beat faster but she refused to give in to fear. Not today. Not this time.
"Here." Patton's eyes were filled with regret. "I'm sorry. I thought this might help. I know I can never undo what I did, but Amanda, I know you've wanted this ever since you started working here, and well, Here." She jerked it away from him, stepping backwards as she ripped open the large manila envelope, her heart pounding in her chest.
"You think getting me a transfer to New York is going to fix this? God, Patton. It's been nearly a year, and I STILL can't stand to look at you. Do you realize what you DID? No amount of Sorry could EVER fix it! Nothing! Absolutely NOTHING could ever fix what you did! You RAPED me Charles Patton. I'll take the transfer. At least I'll be away from you." Amanda was shaking as she climbed behind the wheel of her car, tears falling as she flew out of the parking lot. She pulled out her phone, almost unable to see through the tears in her eyes, as she drove into her parking lot. How the hell did He think that getting her a transfer would possibly fix anything? It wouldn't. No way. Not in a million years.
"Banjo?" Amanda called out, turning the key in her lock, stumbling blindly into her house. "Banjo? Hey, come here boy! Banjo! We're going to New York!" That was odd, normally he greeted her at the door, tail wagging, tongue licking her face excited to see his mom after she was gone for a long day. Sighing, she opened the door to her bedroom and turned on the lights.
"Banjo?!" Amanda shouted, crossing the room to her bed in two long strides, falling beside the still dog. Her heart broke as she buried her face in the cold fur of her faithful friend. She sobbed into his fur, holding him close in her arms for the last time. Everything was wrong. She had lost everything that meant anything to her. Why now? Why did she have to lose the dog she had had at her side since she was fifteen years old?
"Banjo...Baby..Thank you, for being there when I needed you, for being a listening ear when no one else was there, and when I had no one but you. I love you Banjo. I love you. Thank you Sweetheart. You're a good boy. A very good boy. My best boy. My best boy." For hours, Amanda sat there, sobbing as she held her beloved dog in her arms, her heart shattering into a million pieces for the millionth time.
By the Dawn's early light, Amanda Rollins made the decision to seal off her heart, so that not even Benson would be able to enter it. She decided she had enough heartbreak to last her a thousand lifetimes.